Estrangement Grief

In this episode we are discussing the disorienting truth behind estrangement grief, a form of loss that rarely gets casseroles, sympathy cards, or even a patient listener.

 I talk about why this pain feels so sharp and lonely, especially when people try to “help” with comments like “at least there’s still hope” or “at least they’re alive,” as if your heart should snap back into place on command.

We walk through what estrangement can really be: not always a lack of love, but a collision of hurt, self-protection, anger, confusion, and miscommunication that builds until one or both people decide they can’t be in each other’s lives. That choice, whether it’s yours or theirs, creates a very real mourning process. You grieve what you hoped would be, what you wanted to fix, and the relationship you thought you’d have.

Most importantly, I offer permission. No one gets to tell you what counts as grief, how long you’re allowed to feel it, or what “moving on” is supposed to look like. I share a steadier frame for healing: grief reflects love, and life is full of endings we learn to carry, not erase.

 If you’re navigating family estrangement, relationship loss, or complicated grief, this conversation is here to help you feel less alone.

 If it resonates, subscribe, share it with someone who needs support and leave a review with the words you wish people would say to you.

Sign up for my newsletter, ask questions, and get responses via Email: thecaringdeathdoula@gmail.com

Follow on FB The Caring Death Doula

https://www.facebook.com/share/1CUfH9Kek6/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Join the private FB group for “behind the podcast” and advance notification The Caring Death Doula Podcast. A safe place to ask questions and to learn more. 

IG The_Caring_Death_Doula https://www.instagram.com/the_caring_death_doula?igsh=MXdjOTF3MWo2a3RpYw%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

Welcome To An Unseen Grief

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Thank you for joining me today. The grief that I want to talk about in this episode is one that, in a way, is new. It's new to the conversation. It's new new to us. It's a grief that we still don't talk about. And it just leaves us feeling awkward, alone. All the same feelings that any grief brings, but it's not a grief that anyone brings a casserole to. It's in that category. And in this grief, you're gonna hear things like, well, at least there's still hope, or at least your loved one is still alive. And there may be other things that people will say to you. The grief I'm talking about is when you're estranged from someone. When, whether it's your choice or their choice, for some reason something has happened. And one of you have made the decision that you can't be in each other's lives. And so you grieve. You grieve what you had hoped would be, what you wished could be, you grieve what's not there. Because it's not an issue of

What Estrangement Really Means

SPEAKER_00 2:16

love. When we, and I know this is going to sound twisted, but when we estrange ourselves from somebody, or somebody estranges themselves from us, it's not an issue of not loving each other. It's just we can't get along together, and we don't know what to do about that, or we react in anger or confusion or hurt, especially hurt, and we let that develop into miscommunication. And you know, when you're hurt, you withdraw and you protect yourself. And so this is not a grief, this is not an issue of no love. This is just an issue of miscommunication, of perhaps in some ways, because of the hurt, you want to protect yourself so you love yourself more than the other person, or they love themselves more than they love you, or they're just they're just confused. There's just there's so much wrapped up in this kind of grief. But I wanted to encourage you that even though it's it's not grief that's talked about, it's not even something like I said, no casseroles come, no cards come, no, I'm thinking of you, I'm praying for you, I'm here for you. No one comes and sits with you, no one often wants to even hear. Even if you could get the strength to even share, feel safe to share about it. No one wants to listen. No one wants to understand. So if you need permission today, permission to grieve for this situation, permission to see it as true grief, then you're getting that here. No one, and I mean absolutely no one, has the right to tell you what is or is not grief to you. No one has the right to tell you that you're grieving too much, too long. It's time to move on, it's time to get

Permission To Grieve Without Shame

SPEAKER_00 4:51

a life, it's time to just forget about them and live your life. No one has the right to tell you that there's a timeline, that there are rules, or that you're grieving the wrong way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is your love. Grief reflects love. Grief is love that we carry, that we learn to live with. And yes, there's anger and sadness and regret and confusion and pain in grief. But we're just learning, we're just learning how to carry that. Because as I've said many times, grief is intertwined with life. There is no way you can live a life with no grief, with no pain.

Grief As Love You Carry

SPEAKER_00 5:46

Life is not all happy, it is all, it is not all good. There's the not so good, there's the sad. Because life has death. We see it every year in the seasons. We see it when we're driving somewhere, which is a usually a good thing. You're driving to be with someone, you're driving to work, you're driving to go get something for your loved ones. But yet you can hit a bunch of bugs on your windshield. And I know this is trivial, and I hope you'll stick with me in this. But that's death. We see it all around us. We see it in nature, we see it in the seasons. Life cannot exist without death. There is a beginning and there's an end in everything. I cannot think of anything that does not have an ending. Good times come to an end. Life comes to an end. Your career will come to an end. Going to school comes to an end. So I just want to encourage you today. If you're grieving this unseen grief, the the grief that no one really acknowledges. I just want you to know that I I see you and I'm here for you.

Why Life Always Includes Endings

SPEAKER_00 7:21

This is the caring death, doula.