Episode 22: From Stuck to Strong: Overcome Marriage Blahs by Reigniting Your Marriage with Intention

Feeling stuck in the “marriage blahs”? You’re not alone—and it doesn’t have to stay that way. This episode is all about getting intentional with your relationship and rediscovering what truly works for you as a couple.

We’ll explore how to break out of autopilot, identify your unique “marriage formula,” and make small, meaningful shifts that bring connection, energy, and purpose back into your relationship. Because a thriving marriage isn’t one-size-fits-all—it’s built on understanding, intention, and choosing each other every day.

If you’re ready to move from routine to renewed, this conversation will give you the insight and encouragement to start.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Mindful Marriage and Family Podcast with Dr. Tamra Fackerell and Jake Fackerell. Welcome to Podcast 22.

SPEAKER_01 0:14

Wow. 22 is fun, exciting, good job.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Yeah, but we're gonna talk about just the opposite, Jake, today. The marriage blah.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

The marriage blah. What's a what's a marriage blah to find that?

SPEAKER_00 0:26

I get there sometimes, and I'm like, you know, something's just like off in the marriage. And a lot of times it happens when we get into seasons of a lot of busyness where we're not giving that intentional effort into our marriage.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Undivided attention.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Just going day by day, and there has hasn't anything special planned for a while. It's just headed down and you're like, oomph.

SPEAKER_01 0:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Sometimes you just don't feel that spark. And so the question is, is like, how do we re-spark? How do we reconnect? How do we get into a passion cycle of just so much love and so much connection? And so we're gonna give five ideas in this podcast about what you can do to get over the marriage boss. So the first thing that we want to talk about is breaking the autopilot. You get into these modes of autopilot where you're not giving any specific intention inside your marriage space. We want you to break through this and create the mindful marriage that Jake and I are always talking about. If we go several weeks in a row where we're skipping our marriage date, that can be something that can put us in our marriage blause. We want to be putting in that specific intentional effort into the marriage. So it's not just like, oh, autopilot. No, I'm doing some special things for you, Jake.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Yeah, and when it gets into autopilot, it's not that, you know, the spark died. It's that just that it got replaced with like a grocery list or mowing the lawn or any other of these everyday tasks and chores that we kind of find ourselves getting into this mundane activity. So we want to find recreate that spark. Go back and do those things that you do to to generate the spark in your marriage.

SPEAKER_00 2:20

Yeah, and I think it's so important because just that connection that can come from being so mindful. And hey, I like to try to give Jake a Herculean effort once a month. Where like I'm gonna give you a lot of really great undivided attention on a monthly basis. At least one time a month, it's gonna be something where I'm putting it a few hours, you know, to really connecting. And this month I chose to do that. Jake did a bike race, and it was a 50-mile, true grit, epic bike race that was so hard. Only 52% of the people that started the race finished, and Jake was a finisher. But I got up at 6:30 in the morning to take him and Sterling my son to the race. And then I came to the checkpoint there to support him, take pictures, be there with him. I helped him get all the fueling that he needed. And then at the end, like I was there, we gathered all the people, we were cheering you on.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

That was super exciting, and you know, something I didn't ask for, and you just did it. You just realized that that was going to be a tough race, and it would be great to have that support. And I was so appreciative halfway through the race when you were at the checkpoint with all the support, all the water and the Gatorade and the food and everything that I needed to be able to finish off the second half of that race, it was super helpful.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Yeah, so one way we can give a Herculean effort is through supporting them in an event or something they're doing. But there's a lot of ways we can connect on activities that we're doing together. There's a lot of ways that we can work together to give this Herculean effort inside of our marriage. So to break the autopilot, we want to have marital intention. We want to ask our spouse, hey Jake, if I could do three things for you this month, what would it be? Let him decode it too. Like let him give the list, and then you do those things to kind of get that credit for doing the things that you love.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

It's kind of like what we talked about in an earlier podcast of the 10-minute miracle. Like make sure that you're communicating with each other, break things up a little bit, let your spouse know when there's something that you can that can be done to create a lot of just joy and contentment in your marriage in that moment.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

Yeah, and the marriage blaz aren't a crisis. It's just a signal that, hey, maybe we shouldn't do home date night and sit home and watch a TV episode together. Maybe we should go out to the movie theater, like we went out to the theater recently, and you know, maybe we should get the luxury chairs and have a movie together and have a connection that way.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Yeah, we don't do that very often, and so when there's a movie that comes out that we both, huh, we kind of want to go see that, it's fun to both go and enjoy that together.

SPEAKER_00 5:06

So just remember that energy creates bonding. We can laugh together, we could go on walks together, we can have fun, we can do recreation, and that bonding is one thing that's needed to help fix the marriage blazz. So plan a date, figure out what your spouse wants to do, and do something wonderful together.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Aaron Powell Yeah, do something newish, right? Because the problem isn't love, the problem is lack of newness, right? We just get into the m mundane every day. So do something fun, creative, new uh every once in a while, just give that your marriage a little spark. Do the new. I like that.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Yeah, it's something that can be so fun. And Jake and I try to do little new things together. And we went to the Titanic exhibit when it was visiting in our hometown. And we just try to like make the most out of what's available to us at the moment. And so just keep your eye on things that you know your spouse might like and do those things. The next one to combat the blazz is to rebuild curiosity in one another as a couple. And a lot of this can be done through building love map. In my mindful marriage book, also the marriage journals that we have, and also 365 questions, um, those are all about love map building. So just take the time to ask some questions, be curious. What was your favorite dessert that you had as a child?

SPEAKER_01 6:34

I remember chocolate pudding. I loved a lot of desserts, but my mom would make chocolate pudding and I would eat it with a tiny spoon with tiny bites so I could save her every last little bite of the chocolate pudding. It was so good.

SPEAKER_00 6:49

I love that. And Jake's actually really particular about his spoon size. What he eats requires different spoon sizes. And for myself, I never thought about spoon sizes like a spoon's a spoon. So this is one thing, like it's a curious thing. So it l taught me about Jake, even now when we have pudding of some type. I usually make a mousse or something. I'll sometimes just give him a tiny little spoon. So if you're curious about your spouse, you learn these stories, then you can do these small adjustments to let them know, hey, you're my number one.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

Yeah, and even though you've been we've been married for over 30 years now, um, there's still things we don't know about each other. And so it's always fun and curious to ask about different things. And we were the other day just doing some genealogy. We were just at the cemetery in uh our favorite town, and a lot of uh Tamara's ancestors are there, and it was curious just to ask Tamara, okay, how how exactly are we related to this person? And just to go through that kind of family history. And so that was something fun and something new that and curious that I hadn't didn't know before.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

Yeah, that was fun. And truth to our listeners, I did. I have I had a cry at the cemetery. My sister's buried there. She died when I was 14 years old in a car accident, and she was six months pregnant, and I just sat by her gravestone and I just had a cry for her because I love her. It's been so many years, like so many years since she passed away. But sometimes I just get this wave of grief. And Jake was so good about it. He just like let me have my minute. Are you okay? You know, gave me some soft touch and a hug, and it just worked out wonderful. He was curious also about like what I was feeling, how what he could do, asked what can I do to be helpful. And so I just love that we can be there for each other no matter what's going on inside the marriage.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

Well, when we talk we talk about doing something new, it doesn't have to be brand new. In other words, we've been to that cemetery before, but it's been a while. And so bring back the new. Like maybe you've already done this, but maybe it's been a little while. So it's okay to go back and repeat and do things that you haven't done in a while. It doesn't have to be brand new, just bring back the new that that will create curiousness and create joy and happiness in your marriage.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

So number three is hit their bullseye. Like do something that's on their bullseye list that's known. And last one podcast in podcast 21, we talked about the VAC, the visual auditory, and kinesthetic. So try to weave in, you know, if they're auditory, maybe write that appreciation note. If they're kinesthetic, maybe get some touch involved with what you're doing, but really like know what they need and make a plan to do those things. It's literally that simple. Get your go back to our podcast on the bullseyes, get your bullseyes list going. If you don't have a plan and you don't know the formula about how your marriage works best, it's because you haven't taken the time to develop it. Go through all of the podcasts we have here and do the work. Sit down and think it through, figure out how it applies to your marriage, because my marriage with Jake isn't gonna be the same as your marriage. You've got to do the work to develop the things that work for you, express it. And I a lot of times I'll sit down and I'll help couples. I'll say, Well, what are some things that you've done with your spouse that you've really enjoyed? Go ahead, Jake. I'm gonna do a little exercise with you.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:13

So, what are some things you've done with your spouse that you've really enjoyed in the history of your marriage?

SPEAKER_01 10:17

Well, we love to travel together. And even when our kids were little, you know, we would just travel around Utah and go to the national parks. I thought that was those are some of the most fun vacations we ever we ever did with our little kids and just traveling together and experiencing our own backyard. And a lot of people, a lot of people never experience their own backyard. And so it's it, you know, just something fun and simple like that. It doesn't cost a lot of money, and we can just get up and we can go and spend a weekend in our own backyard in Utah, you know, where we are in the national parks and the state parks, and just have a great time.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

Great. And so once you learn, okay, so travel something for you, then I would tell the person, well, how many times a year would you want to ch travel with me to like what what would satisfy you best? How many times would we go on a trip?

SPEAKER_01 11:11

Well, in in the in the best case scenario, we'd go like every week to a different place. We'd love to travel, but reasonably we love to go do something quarterly. And we just plan some kind of a a big trip every quarter, and it's usually it's just one one-on-one, just each other, and we can go there and we do our marriage retreats at the same time. We kill two birds of one stone. Get to visit a really cool place. Sometimes we'll extend it a little bit, a few days. So we do our our off-site for two days, and then the rest of the time we're just experiencing the location where we're at.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Yeah. And when you think about that, Jake, like in episode 20, we talked about the praise test, and that really goes to one of your highs, which is recreation, right? And so I love how it's like, look, we're hitting all of these angles. If praised isn't working for you, you've got VAC. If we if the VAC doesn't work for you, then we've got the communication styles of the lion and the turtle and the swan and all of those things. There's so many ways to like cut through this, and you've just got to find the one that you really attach with. But you want to put things on the schedule that work well. And we have done some scheduling, and some of the items just didn't work out. We actually had a funeral that we went to attend, so we gave our tickets away to something. And so you also have to plan for that flexibility that has to come when you plan something in advance, and then of course, unexpected things sometimes happen. So you want to have that flexibility, but you want to get a plan and make it work, and that can really help with the marriage blazz. Number four is to add energy to your marriage, not just time. Just more time together, us shopping at Costco together, me going to the car wash with you doesn't add a lot for me because I'm not like the devoted time person. I know one person said the most exciting date we do right now is we go to the car wash together. We love it.

SPEAKER_01 13:09

And that's beautiful. I mean, it's whatever works for who you can do. Like I I take my grandkids through the car wash and we love it. It's super fun. So that could be a fun, a fun date. I can see that. Um I I just love to um, you know, sometimes we'll just go drive somewhere and we'll just look at the stars and we'll stargaze together. And it's that's super romantic and super fun. But but it's high energy, right? So we want to we want to make sure that we're excited when we go out. We don't want to be the tired spouse, like, oh, okay, I'm so tired, I can't wait to get home and go to bed, you know. When be intentional. When you're out with your spouse on a date, have the energy level to support that, like to just have so much fun and just so your spouse knows, okay, you you've get you're giving it your all on this date, which is always awesome when that happens.

SPEAKER_00 14:00

Yeah, and we want to give energy to each other as well, so that when we're on a date, we're not, you know, picking up calls from other people, we're not having the kids interrupt it unless the house is burning down. We are really giving that intentional, carved out time. I'm gonna give you all the energy, I have all the undivided attention right at you. And then I want to find, and I would say to you, hey Jake, I kind of feel like things are blah. Like, let's go back to the always list, which is on episode one, and see where are we gapping there? What is it that we're missing? What could we pick back up? And let's put energy into it. The good thing about the ebb is that it creates the flow. Like, hey, we're blah, something's off. It means we need to do more conscientious things to make our marriage work better. And finally, number five, address your mini disconnects. So if you are feeling blah, sit down and think about why. And a lot of times when I feel blah, I find out it's something about myself. I'm like, hey, Jake, I need to go get my hair done, I need to go get my toes done, I need to get some self-care that I'm taking care of Tamara, because I take care of so many people all day, every day. I need some self-care. So many disconnects. First, I want to make sure my self-care is good. I'm I'm exercising, I'm doing the work, I'm listening to my good books, I'm doing my things, right? And then it's like, and there's one thing that you can do for me, Jake, that would make a big difference.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

Yeah, and then it's important for your spouse to to do that because it's reciprocal. At times you're gonna I'm gonna ask you to do something for me. And we want to be able to just take care, take care of each other. I think too often, you know, we just we get frustrated with each other, and we just need to remember that we love each other, just be patient with each other, and your spouse is your aid number one priority, period.

unknown 15:53

Uh uh.

SPEAKER_01 15:53

You know, full stop. That that's it. So if your spouse is in need of something, drop whatever whatever it is you're doing and just do it. She's she your spouse is yours forever. Like she should be your aid number one.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

Yeah. And so I think giving feedback instead of just presenting the problem, I want to present the solution to you. This is what you can do. And if Jake's not doing it, I remind him. And I'm like, hey, remember, we were gonna do dishes together every day after dinner for 10 minutes so that you're not watching TV and I'm doing dishes, like we're gonna do them together. And then it's like if something happens, like, hey, we need to do our 10 minutes of dishes together or whatever it is, and you're just setting the system and then you're reminding and then you're thanking and appreciating after you do it, and you can solve those disconnects, and you can give that mindful, wonderful marriage. So the difference between a good and great marriage is a mindful one. It's the attention. And we hope you guys will tune in next time. We're gonna be doing a podcast on different things that can make marriage good to great. So we're really excited about that. And we hope that you guys can stretch through your marriage blossoms. Everybody has them, everybody gets off track. It's okay, but you want to just turn towards each other, get those bids for connection going, plan things in advance, have the curiosity, and make a wonderful, mindful marriage.

SPEAKER_01 17:24

Hey everybody, and just remember to subscribe and like this podcast, this episode. If you subscribe, we would absolutely love it. So don't do it right now while you're driving. But when you're not driving, like and subscribe, please.

SPEAKER_00 17:40

We hope that your week is filled with so much love and so much energy towards good marriage, and the blahs are gone for a very long time. Mindful, happy marriage.