The Unseen Hours: Elite Habits That Build Champions with Alan Stein Jr.

What separates good athletes from legendary ones?

If you're serious about becoming elite...this episode is a must listen.

In this episode of the Pressure Proof Podcast, I sit down with Alan Stein Jr., who has worked with some of the best players in the world, including Stephen Curry, Kevin Durant, and Kobe Bryant.

We break down the Next Play mindset, the power of the Unseen Hours, and the habits that truly build elite performers.

This conversation goes beyond sports...into coaching, parenting, and how to develop resilience in high-pressure moments.

One concept that stood out: Accept it or correct it.

If you're an athlete, coach, or parent this episode will change how you approach performance, mistakes, and growth.

In this episode:

• The Next Play Mindset
• The Unseen Hours
• What Separates Good from Legendary
• Coaching & Parenting: Accept It or Correct It

Follow/Subscribe for more episodes on building stronger minds and stronger athletes.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Hey everybody, welcome back to the Pressure Proof Podcast, the show where we explore the mindset, discipline, and character that it takes to grow through pressure instead of breaking under it. Before we get started, this episode is sponsored by Curly Wealth Management out of Oneana, New York. Their support makes these conversations possible, and we're grateful to have them helping us bring these stories and lessons to athletes, coaches, parents, and leaders everywhere. Today's guest is someone who spent decades studying what separates good from great, not just in sports, but in life. Alan Stein Jr. is a world-renowned performance coach, author, keynote speaker who has worked with some of the best basketball players in the world. Today he works with teams, organizations, and leaders across the globe, teaching the mindset, discipline, and habits required to perform at the highest level. Alan, we're gonna jump right into it. You've been around some of the best players in the world, guys like Kobe, Steph, KD. Can you remember a specific day, a specific workout, or maybe an interaction where you saw something and thought, this is what separates them?

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Certainly. You know, the the one that I'm most known for, I tell a signature story on stage about meeting Kobe Bryant for the first time and watching one of his really early morning workouts. But for this, I'm actually going to go in a slightly different direction. Um, I I had the privilege of meeting Kevin Durant when he was 15 years old. Uh I live just north of Washington, D.C. And uh so Kevin and I are from roughly the same area. Um and uh I could see very quickly that he had the potential to be a really great player. Now, I certainly didn't have the foresight to know he would be as good as he turned out. I mean, arguably one of the best scores the game has ever seen, certainly a Hall of Famer. Um, but but I knew that he had potential to be a really good player. Um so I offered to his mom Wanda to start taking Kevin in before school to do some strength workouts because that was the one area of his game that was obvious to everyone that he needed to improve. What was his strength and his explosiveness and his durability? And um I would drive uh halfway around the beltway here in the DC area, uh, really early in the morning to pick him up and take him to the local YMCA before school. And there was one morning that that it was a cold morning. I want to say it was maybe February, so just dark, dreary, cold DC morning, super early. And, you know, one thing that unites most teenagers and most high school age players, they don't love working out at five in the morning, understandably. So, you know, Kevin was a little quiet that morning, he had his hood on, and I took him into the YMCA and it was dark, and there was an older woman working the front desk. I didn't ask to see her license, but I'm guessing she was mid-70s at the time. And we walked in, and as we walked by the desk, she said, good morning. And Kevin didn't say anything, he just kept walking. And she said, Excuse me, young man, I said good morning. And for this moment, there was, I had like this this pause, almost an out-of-body experience, because I said, This is gonna go one of two ways. And you're talking about uh, you know, a sleep-deprived, ornery teenager. Uh, how is he gonna respond to that? And Kevin took his hood off, turned around, and said, I'm sorry, ma'am, good morning. And I knew in that more, I knew in that moment that this young man had the character to support his on court talent and all of his other abilities. It was in that moment that I knew this kid's gonna be a good decision maker in life and he's gonna maximize whatever talent that he has. And I just remember that moment being kind of a going from wow, this kid's gonna be a great basketball player to this kid's a great basketball player and a great human being. And that just made me love him even more.

SPEAKER_01 3:55

Yeah, that's an awesome story. Is there anything about that that's teachable, or is it is it you're just born with it and that's who you are?

SPEAKER_00 4:02

Well, well, I think what's teachable is that we should never be held to a standard of perfection. We're all allowed to make mistakes, we're allowed to disappoint people, we're allowed to have low moments and have bad moods, but it's how we respond to those things that's the real test of our character. So I don't I don't judge Kevin on the fact that he didn't say good morning the first time. Uh I'm just very proud that when given an opportunity to correct his mistake, he took it. Because I know plenty of teenagers, much less like alpha male future NBA superstars, that, you know, would have just kept walking, would have turned around and said, F you, like, who are you to say that to me? Like, there's so many other ways that someone could have gone and he took the high road and the high route. And I, you know, what's funny is I bet if you asked him about that, he probably has no recollection of it. Like it's probably not even on his radar, but it was just that simple act of of kindness and coarse correction that he did that that just made me really admire him.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Yeah, for a 17-year-old kid to get up at five in the morning and go work out. I mean, very easily could have just kept going and and just ignored it. But he right says a lot about his character, I think. So let's talk about you for a little bit. What originally pulled you towards working with elite athletes? And when did you realize that the mental side of performance was the real separator?

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Well, well, basketball's been my driving passion since I was five years old. And I I turned 50 a couple months ago. So for 45 years, yeah, 45 years, basketball has been kind of at the epicenter of what I'm most passionate about. And certainly for the first third of my life, I was a very dedicated basketball player and you know, had a decent public school, high school career here in the DC area. Uh, was fortunate enough to play at Elon University down in North Carolina. Um, and while I was at Elon, and I realized that my formal playing days were going to end when uh my college days were over, that I certainly didn't have what it would take to play professionally, um, I started to develop an equal love and affinity for what we then called strength and conditioning, um, for improving explosiveness and durability and conditioning levels and agility and flexibility and power and really fell in love with that aspect of the game. So when I graduated from Elon, I figured what could be better than marrying my original love of the game of basketball with this newfound love of strength and conditioning. So I just anointed myself a basketball strength and conditioning coach. And I moved back to the DC area and started working out high school kids like KD and got to work at a couple of really good programs, high school programs here in the DC area, um, and and was really starting to carve a niche in working with elite-level middle school and high school age players. And that got me some opportunities to do some work with Nike and Jordan Brandt and USA basketball, which then put me in rooms and on court with guys like Kobe Bryant and LeBron James and Kyrie Irving and Stephen Curry. So I was able to kind of be in the right place at the right time. Um, the initial goal was never to work with elite athletes. It was just to work with any basketball player that was willing and able and wanted to improve their on you know on court performance. And um that matriculated up to some of these upper other opportunities that I'm I'm very grateful for. And it was right in the middle of that that I started to realize as important as the body was, the mind was the real unlock that you can get someone's you know physical capabilities to a certain level, but if they didn't match that or mirror that with their mindset, then they were never going to be able to really maximize what they were capable of doing. So then I started to veer off from the physical side and was much more intrigued by mindset and mental performance.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

So when you were around those players every day, those kids, even those college athletes, what separated the good ones from the great ones, the guys that got it versus the guys that didn't?

SPEAKER_00 8:07

Well, one aspect, you know, I said this word earlier, and and I don't know that we necessarily talk about it enough when it comes to high performance, but that's passion. Like you have to love what you're doing, because the only way you'll put in the hours and put in the requisite reps that are required to be good is if you love it. And as obvious as that may sound, you have to understand, especially at the middle school and high school level, lots of kids are kind of forced to play sports because they're tall or because they're fast, or maybe because they had a parent that played. And it's like they they don't really love basketball, but they're playing it because they're naturally pretty good at it. And anytime I would notice that, I would notice, you know, there's there's a definite ceiling on how good this kid's gonna be because they gotta love it. You know, we've been talking about KD, so we'll go ahead and use him as the example. I don't know that I've ever met someone that loves the game of basketball as much as he does. Like he always just played with this unbridled joy. You know, I still assert that today, even though, you know, KD is makes millions and millions of dollars and is famous and will be in the Hall of Fame. If you took all of that away from him today, you could probably find him at a park playing outside somewhere tomorrow because he just loves the game of basketball. And, you know, so the passion for the game is important, but you also have to have a passion for improvement, you know, and with that passion comes a competitiveness, like not necessarily against other people, although in basketball that's probably important, but a competitiveness with yourself. Like, how good can I get? How much can I work on my shot? How can I work on these moves? And and to me, those that have a passion and a competitiveness, that's really the foundation to which everything else is built. And there's certainly additional traits that make for great players, but if you don't have the passion or the competitiveness or the desire or thirst to improve, then you're gonna be very limited.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

I hear it a lot from kids all the time. We we go over the basics over and over and over and over again. And some kids you can tell they're bored after doing it the fifth or sixth time, and other kids can't get enough. How important do you think it is? I know you've talked about it in the past, but how important do you think it is to fall in love with the process and and really practice the basics over and over and over again?

SPEAKER_00 10:26

I mean, it's it's vital, and it's probably the next level up if we were building that pyramid. Once you have the foundation of passion and competitiveness and desire to improve, then you have to have the relentlessness to focus on the basics, to focus on the fundamentals, um, to not try to skip steps, to not try to make the highlight real play or the sexy play, but learn how to play the game the right way. You know, the the game of basketball is predicated on five primary skill sets shooting, passing, rebounding, defending, and handling the ball. And your desire to improve in each of those areas, even if you're really elite in one or two of them, but you still try to improve in all of those areas, really makes up the foundation of your game. And being process centered is so, so important. You know, the game of basketball is inherently an outcome-based game. I mean, let's be honest, the team that has the most points on the scoreboard when the buzzer goes off is the winner. So we understand the importance of the outcome and the result. And every time you shoot the ball, the goal is for it to go in the basket, and that's the preferred outcome. But there's a process that increases the chances of those things happening. And it's those that learn how to love the process that will eventually outlast everyone else. And then when you start combining, you know, a lot of different characteristics, that's when you get to really elite-level players. I mean, certainly to play this game at a super high level, there are some physical prerequisites that are helpful. You know, I mean, we can count on one hand how many current players in the NBA are under six feet tall. So it's it's helpful to be tall and have longer limbs. Uh, it's also helpful to be fast and explosive uh and have the ability to decelerate and change direction. So you you've got the physical bucket that's certainly important. Then you have to have the skills, which we just mentioned, which is working on them during the unseen hours and getting in reps, working on your shot, working on your handle, working on your passing. Um, then the next bucket is your IQ. Do you understand how to play the game? You know, do you understand how to work with four other players on offense and work with four other players on defense? You know, it's one thing to physically be able to make a bounce pass, but do you know when to make a bounce pass or what angle to make a bounce pass or when is bounce pass the appropriate pass to make and when is it not? So you have to have an understanding of the game. So that's that's the basketball IQ. And then really the fourth bucket is just your your motor, your desire, your competitiveness. It's the things I mentioned earlier. And really, it's the combination of all of those things together that will determine what level you'll eventually be able to play. And and none of it can be taken for granted. I mean, there have been some elite level players who have all of the physical characteristics, they're super skilled and they have a super high IQ, but maybe the competitiveness or desire is not there, or maybe they don't make good decisions off the court, and that hamstrings their ability to play on the court. So it's, you know, it's a combination of all of these things. And you got to take the combination of all of those things, and then add time and discipline and the process, and that's where you end up with somebody like a Kevin Durant that checks every single one of those boxes. Incredible natural talent, unbelievable skills, relentless work ethic, very coachable, high IQ. Like he checks every single box, and that's why he's a Hall of Famer.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

Right. Yeah, nobody said it was gonna be easy. You you talked about not skipping steps. I think a lot of kids try to skip steps secretly and think that nobody's gonna notice. Uh, you also talked about building the pyramid. What's at the top of that pyramid for you?

SPEAKER_00 14:15

The the top of that pyramid would simply be the the I guess we would just call it the the motor. It's the it's the the desire to improve and get better. I mean, at the bottom you have to have the passion of what you love. And then up from that, you have to have the the ability to focus on the basics and the skill sets. And then you've got those four kind of components that I just mentioned that go into being a basketball player, you know, but at the top of that, you simply have to want it. You gotta absolutely love the game. I mean, we could probably come up with a list of players in the NBA who are elite-level players, but you can tell they just they don't love the game. You know, they they like it, they like the lifestyle that it affords. It's a job for them, it's a way for them to provide for their family. And I don't say any of that in a demeaning way. There's nothing wrong with you looking at basketball as your job and you happen to be really good at it, but but there is something that separates that player from the guys that just love the game. I I remember uh Kobe said something one time that that I thought was very insightful. Uh, someone asked him about like all of the sacrifices that he's made to be a great player. And he said, I I haven't made any sacrifices. A sacrifice means you give up something you want in order to do something else. He's like, There's no place I'd rather be than be in the gym. Like that is my that's my safe space. That's where I love to be. I want to be in the gym. So going to the gym, I'm not making a sacrifice. If I stopped going to the gym to do something else, that would be a sacrifice, but that's where I want to be. And that just speaks to how much he loved the game and and how much he loved the ability to improve. And uh, you know, I I have a slightly different take on sacrifice, but to his point, that's exactly where he wanted to be, and he loved that. You know, there was a um uh a friend of mine was an NBA scout, and he he used this, he would call it the ball rack test. And he just said, here's how I can tell if a player loves the game or not. Can they walk by the ball rack without picking up a ball and dribbling it or shooting it? Like, can you just walk by a basketball and not even touch it? And if the answer is yes, then you probably don't love the game. But if you see a basketball and you literally have to pick it up and start bouncing it or shoot it, that just means you absolutely love the game. So he would all he would call that the ball rack test. And he would say to me when he was evaluating a player, he'd be like, Would he walk by the ball rack and pick one up or not? And I just thought that was kind of a cool way to define whether you love it.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

Yeah. So how can a 15 or 16-year-old athlete loves the game start building those habits?

SPEAKER_00 16:51

Well, well, slowly but surely. You know, my recommendation would be it's okay to have players that you admire and that you you idolize and that you want to be like, but don't study what they do now. Study what they would have done when they were your age. That's one of the big mistakes that I think we make. You know, a young player sees Stephen Curry, you know, dribble between his legs twice and shoot a 40-footer, and they think, well, I want to do that.

SPEAKER_01 17:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:19

Yeah, and I get it, and I understand that. Yeah, but what you're missing is everything that Stephen Curry has done since he was 15 years old to earn the ability to do that. So that to me, that, and that's true in any profession. I mean, I'm I'm a professional keynote speaker. When I first got into this business, there were keynote speakers that I really admired and respected and borderline idolized and wanted to emulate. And when I was building my business, I had to constantly remind myself, Alan, you can't do what they're doing now. You have to do what they did 10 years ago. And then hopefully you can build yourself to a point where maybe you are emulating what they're doing, you know, and and that's what's most important. We often, that's where I think we unconsciously as a society often skip steps, is we try to jump to somebody's chapter 28 when we're only on chapter one, and we forget that at some point they were only in chapter one, and that's where that's where we need to get to.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

Um, one thing I love about your message, just one of several, is your next play mindset. I tell that to all of the teams that I coach. Can you explain a little bit about the philosophy behind that, the next play mindset?

SPEAKER_00 18:31

Sure. The at the epicenter of the next play mindset is to stop worrying about what just happened and focus on what's happening right now. Probably more accurate is to stop worrying about what you wished happened and focus on the reality of what actually happened. The best way to summarize it is stop focusing and worrying about what was and focus on what is. And, you know, with that broad description, it applies to every single area of our life. It applies on the court, it applies off the court, it applies to small things, it applies to big things, it applies professionally, it applies personally. And now there's some nuance to that. Um, I do believe there are plenty of opportunities for us to look back and learn lessons from the past. It's the reason that teams and coaches watch film. You know, you play a game and then the next day you go back and you watch film to see areas where you can improve. And I do believe in that. Uh, I also believe in looking forward to a presumed future so that you can prepare accordingly. So I there's nothing wrong with looking back and looking forward, but the overwhelming majority of our faculties should be in the present moment. It should be on what's happening right now. And that's ultimately what next play is. It's a framework for focusing on the present moment. That the turnover you made two seconds ago is now over and it's in the past. You got to focus on what's in front of you right now. You know, the three missed shots on the last three possessions, you can't worry about that anymore. Those are over. Those shots are done. You have to focus on the next shot that you're going to take. And to me, that is is a very powerful reframe and recalibration tool that I use in every area of my life. I mean, to no exaggeration, I say next play to myself two dozen times a day. Um, you know, I still play basketball at the ripe age of 50, and and I played in a game this morning. I play every Tuesday and Thursday morning at 6 a.m. And to be quite honest, this morning, I I was just off, just wasn't feeling it. My shot was was pretty bad this morning, and I had to keep dialing into the next play. And, you know, uh I found other ways to contribute and help my team and you know, you know, I still play as hard as I can and box out and do those things, but my shot just wasn't just wasn't feeling it this morning. And that's okay. That's a part of being an athlete, that's a part of playing the game of basketball. And I really had to have that next play mentality on the court this morning for sure.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

Uh so how do we teach kids that mindset? A lot of kids they they miss a shot and suddenly they're the worst basketball players ever. They miss a free throw. I can't shoot free throws, I can't they can't shoot threes. How do we change that mindset to let it go and focus on the present moment?

SPEAKER_00 21:12

Well, the number one thing we do, and this is leadership 101, coaching 101, is we model the behavior we want to see in others. If we want our players to have a next play mentality, then we as adults and as coaches have to have a next play mentality in everything we do. You know, if if if you're telling your players to wipe the slate clean and don't worry about the last missed shot, and yet you're still yelling at the referee for a call they missed three possessions ago, then you're actually modeling the exact opposite that you want to see in your players. So, first and foremost, we have to have a next play mentality. Now, with that said, no one should be held to the ideal of perfection. You know, I'm sure during one of my misses this morning, for a you know, two seconds, I might have had bad body language or pallid or been disappointed that I missed the shot. So it's not about Perfection, but it is about generally speaking, model that behavior. And then, second, it needs to be something that you talk about, you reinforce, and you emphasize every single day with your players. You talk about it before practice, during practice, hour after practice, during film session, after, during like it can't be something that you only talk about once in a while. A next plate mentality has to be done all of the time. And I'm a big believer in the mindset as coaches. Um, either you correct it or you accept it. Those are the only two options. There's nothing in between. So when you're during a practice or even doing a shooting drill, if you shoot it and you miss it and I see you hang your head or curse or have bad body language, well, I'm either going to accept that that's how you're gonna behave, or I'm gonna correct it. And in that case, I'm gonna say, hey, you know, Parker, don't worry about it, man. We move to the next play, next shot, and just reinforce it and talk about it. You know, if something's important, you talk about it every day. So this is not something where, you know, you you gather a middle school team together and you think by the first Tuesday of the season, everyone will have a next play mentality. Doesn't work that way. You just have to make sure that you are using that terminology, you explain it conceptually to them, you tell them that this is the standard I'm gonna hold you to, and this is what we're all gonna hold ourselves to. And then you every single day you're coaching or correcting their ability to do that. And then over time, you will see improvement. And then hopefully, after a few months or towards the end of the season, then most players, most of the time, have a next play mentality, and that's that's the goal. So it's a slow, it's a slow build-up and a slow burn.

SPEAKER_01 23:39

I love that. Accept it or correct it. Correct it, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:43

Those are the only two options, and like I even use that in my my parenting. I mean, I have three teenage children, and every single thing they say or do is either something that I accept and am proud of and encourage them to do, or it's something that I need to course-correct or or explain to them that this might not be the best way to approach it. And and even though most of our lives we live in the gray, not everything is black and white. In this regard, I actually think it's a helpful frame to make it intentionally binary. That every, you know, and I do that in most of the things in my life. Like, you know, most of the decisions I make in my life, I choose to look at through the binary lens of is making this decision going to take me closer to the man I'm trying to become, or is it going to take me further away? And when you make it that binary, it sharpens your ability to make better decisions. So my goal every day is to make as many decisions as I can that are in alignment with the man I'm trying to be. Once again, I'm not aiming for perfection. Trust me, I'm not batting a thousand, I don't have straight A's. Every day of my life, I'll make some decisions that are probably not in alignment with who I'm trying to be, but I give myself the grace and space to be less than perfect. But overall, that's I'm trying to make those decisions. And you know, one of the reframing tools I use at night before I go to bed is on some level, I just ask myself, I say, Alan, you just traded 24 hours of your life for the progress you made today. Are you happy with that trade? And if the answer is yes, if most of the decisions I made today inched me a little closer to the man I'm trying to become, then today was a good day. Rare occasion where the answer is no. I made some really foolish decisions. I made some boneheaded mistakes. I said and did a few things today that are not a representation of my best self. I give myself the grace and space to be less than perfect. I forgive myself, and I still try to get a good night's sleep because I know tomorrow's an opportunity to make better decisions.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

I think that's huge. You acknowledge it first of all, don't just pretend it didn't exist. Give yourself the grace to say, okay, it we can we can fix this, and then go about it the next day, like the same exact thing with the next play mindset. I think that's huge. A lot of kids get stuck in this negative sort of loop, um, and it's tough to get out of. You touched a little bit about your kids. I have four of my own, um, which is crazy. But uh what do you I see parents that that mean well and do a lot of things that inadvertently hurt their kids. Is there anything you think that you do differently as a father than than most do?

SPEAKER_00 26:22

You know, parenting is an interesting one because you know it's it's they're very personal decisions, you know, everybody has a different perspective and and belief system, not that dissimilar to coaching. I mean, you could take five Hall of Fame coaches and ask all of them for their offensive and defensive philosophy, and you might get some very different answers. Now, at the end of the day, every single one of them is predicated on taking high percentage shots on offense and making the defense or on defense, making your opponent take low percentage shots. Like that would be the thread that unites them all. But how you do that, there are very different styles of play. And I think the same thing with parenting. I believe at its core, every parent wants their child to grow up to be a fulfilled, well-adjusted contributor to the world. Like, you know, if we're gonna be paint it with a very broad stroke, like that's the red thread that probably ties most of us together. Now, how do you get there and how do you raise those kids is completely up to interpretation. Uh, I know for me, my parenting style has always been one where I want to make sure my kids know that I love them unconditionally, that my love for them is not predicated on performance or grades or making the team like I love them no matter what. They don't have to do anything to earn my love. Um, but part of that love comes with a high level of accountability. And I hold my children to a high standard and I hold myself to a high standard. And I've always given my kids a lot of autonomy. Um, I don't micromanage them, I don't tell them what to do. What I try to do is model a way of living that I hope on some level they emulate. And the way that I live my life, I try and be a kind and thoughtful person. I try and be a good listener. I try to leave every place better than I found it. You know, I try to pour my heart and soul into the things, into the people that are meaningful to me. You know, I put a very high precedent on my own physical, mental, and emotional well-being. You know, so that that's how I choose to live my life, but I never force my kids to make the same decisions. I just model that behavior, and if they want to pick up some of those things, that's great. But I give them a lot of autonomy. But the number one thing I do with my kids is let them know that you are free to make the choices that you want to make, but you are not free from the consequences of those choices. That will be on you. You can choose to not do your homework. I don't care if you do your homework. Like I'm out of school, I'm done with that. I don't have to do it. Not my grade. Yeah, but there will be a consequence to not doing your homework, and you're gonna have to pay whatever that consequence is. Right. Um, and I'm not gonna bail you out. So, what I think a lot of parents do is they let kids make decisions and then they bail them out, and the kid doesn't actually learn the lesson. You know, one one of these, you know, a perfect example, you know, I my I have twin sons that'll be turning 16 uh next week, actually. And, you know, my one son, they've all retired from basketball. I've got a son that's now playing, uh, decided to try lacrosse. And if he called me and said, hey dad, I I forgot my lacrosse stick, can you go get it for me? The answer is no, I'm not going to get your lacrosse stick. You forgot your lacrosse stick, and you're gonna pay the consequence of whatever that is. And I'm not doing that out of apathy. I'm not doing it because I'm lazy. I'm not doing it because I'm a dick. I'm doing it because I want him to have the understanding that it's his responsibility to be fully prepared for whatever he's going to do. And if he messes that up, then he's the one that has to suffer that consequence. And it's been my experience that in this hypothetical, if if he either can't practice that day because he doesn't have his lacrosse stick, or he has to go home and get it and he's late for practice and the coach makes him run, like whatever that is, is such a powerful teaching moment. He probably won't ever forget his lacrosse stick again.

SPEAKER_01 30:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

But if I stop what I'm doing and I drive to go pick it up and take it to him, there's a good chance he'll forget it a few more times because he knows dad will bail him out. And, you know, that that that's that's an example of something with some low-level stakes. Um, but generally speaking, I give my kids a lot of autonomy. I want them to make their own decisions, but I want them to know that they're not free from the consequence of those. And that that probably best sums up my approach to parenting. But here's the other thing about parenting. I know that every parent is for the most part doing the best they can with the tools they have and the level of awareness they have. But but we can all acknowledge with a huge smile, there is no handbook, that there's no guide on how to parent, you know, even you, you have four children. I promise you, you can't parent all four children the exact same way. Like each of your children has a slightly different nuance. Now you can hold them all to the same standard and you can love them all and respect them all, but but one of your kids might need a little more of your attention than another, and it's okay to give that to them. Um so to me, the the other part about parenting is we won't really know how we've done as parents until our kids are grown. Like that's the that's the finished product.

SPEAKER_01 31:28

That's the scary part.

SPEAKER_00 31:29

You know, of course. I mean, right now, I feel like I'm doing an okay job as a father, but uh I don't I don't know that. You know, call me in 15 years when my kids are 30 and possibly married and possibly have their own kids at that time, and let's see what type of human beings they are then. That will be much more of a a tell on how I did as a parent now.

SPEAKER_01 31:50

Yeah, I I see it all the time from parents. A kid fails and they can't get there fast enough to pick them up and fix the problem for them, which I think is a huge dis and I'm I'm guilty of it too. My daughter forgets her shorts for a volleyball game. I'll run home on my lunch and grab them so she can play. I do it, I get it. But I think it it goes beyond sports and into life, right? Mistakes are inevitable, they happen. We forget things, things slip through the cracks. Uh, but elite performers tend to learn from them and move on and reset faster than everybody else, I think. How do they do that?

SPEAKER_00 32:26

Well, and and one point that I want to make, you know, I I'm not lacing any of this with an ounce of judgment. There's nothing wrong with you going home and getting your daughter's shorts. All of these are personal preferences. It's the same as saying, you know, when Tony Bennett was at Virginia, he played a very slow, methodical uh game, you know, where they're only scoring in the 50s, and then you have Nate Oates over at Alabama who's trying to score 100 points each time. I couldn't say that one way is the right way to play basketball because both of them are unbelievably successful at what they do, and both of them have produced great teams and great players. So for me, what's most important as parents is developing a philosophy, is creating boundaries and understanding like this is how I believe I can parent best for my kids, and this is what I want. I want to have consistency in how we do that. You know, if if my son Jack said, Hey, dad, I forgot my lacrosse stick and I said, sorry, dude, tough luck. And then, you know, the next day my daughter says, Hey, dad, I forgot my cleats, and I go get her cleats. Well, now I'm I'm being somewhat hypocritical because I'm not consistent in what I'm preaching and teaching. So to me, what's most important is deciding what type of children or what type of adults you want your children to grow into, and then coming up with a philosophy and boundaries and accountability systems that you believe, and it's only preference, there is no right answer, will get them there. And then that's what you have to live. And of course, with all of this, don't grip anything too tightly. Like be prepared and stay open and curious to change ways of doing things. I mean, there's certainly philosophies I had as a parent several years ago that I've I've changed my mind on, and we should all be allowed to change our mind. I think that's a sign of growth and development. You know, to me, some of the most important traits we can develop as human beings, and this definitely speaks to high performance, is open-mindedness and curiosity. I think when you lack those two things, your your ability to grow and develop is is is limited. So, you know, I don't claim to have all of the answers. Um, as a father, I try to do the best I can with what I have wherever I am. I get some things right, I get some things wrong. When I get things right, I try to do more of it. When I get things wrong, I try to learn a lesson from it, make amends if needed, and move to the next play. And I'm constantly in a state of recalibration.

SPEAKER_01 34:50

If you were to walk into a room full of 17, 18-year-old athletes, what lesson would you want to make sure that they leave with?

SPEAKER_00 35:00

There'd be three, and I would tie them together. Number one, don't get bored with the basics. That figure out what whatever area of your life you're aiming for excellence in, uh, figure out what are the basic building blocks to being excellent in that area and work on those building blocks relentlessly. So never get bored with the basics, would be number one. Uh, number two would be earn your confidence through demonstrated performance and getting in reps during the unseen hours, but always remain humble. Uh and in this context, when I say humble, I mean stay open to coaching, stay open to feedback, stay open to the fact that no matter how good you get, just know that you can still get better. Yes, you might be the best player on your team, but that doesn't mean you're as good as you can be. And you might be the best player in your school, best player in your state, best player in the country, but that still doesn't mean that you're as good as you're capable of. So don't worry about playing the comparison game. Worry about having the humility to continue to get better. And I found that those that blend earned confidence with humility, that's a very, very powerful elixir. And then the third, which is one that you teed up earlier, is to stay process focused. It's okay to have goals, it's okay to have preferred outcomes and desired results, but stay focused on the process. You know, even in the game of basketball, we don't actually control whether or not the ball goes in the basket. If we did, then we'd all shoot 100% because obviously none of us want to miss a shot. So we don't control whether the ball goes in the basket, but there are a series of process steps that we can take to greatly increase the chance that the ball is going to go in, like having good shooting form, being on balance, being in rhythm, being in range, like practicing during the unseen hours. You do all of those things consistently and you take good shots, and you will tend to make more than not. So um, if you can focus on the basics, blend confidence with humility, and stay focused on the process, that would be my advice, not only to 17 and 18-year-old athletes, but to any human being walking the earth.

SPEAKER_01 37:09

I love it. We talked a lot about loving the process. Um, it even from when I was in school, it seems like kids now have distractions everywhere. They got their phone, they got social media, they got TV, they got distractions everywhere. How do young athletes stay focused in a world that constantly rewards attention instead of improvement?

SPEAKER_00 37:32

Well, what's most important uh to any area we're trying to improve is our environment. Um, and in this case, we can actually talk about our physical environment. I mean, there are steps that we can take to decrease these distractions. You know, right now, my goal is to give you and your audience my undivided attention and to be solely focused on this conversation, which means my phone is off. Uh, I don't have any other uh programs or apps running on my computer, I don't have the TV on. I don't have, I'm not trying to fold laundry while I'm talking to you. I have nothing in the world going on except for trying to have a meaningful and memorable conversation with you. So I've created a physical environment that that will limit distractions. You know, for anyone watching this, you can I'm not doing this at my local Starbucks. I'm not in a public place, I'm in an office, a quality control office where there aren't going to be any distractions. So, you know, to me, we can create a physical environment that that helps. You know, if if you don't want to be distracted by your phone when you're having family dinner, well then don't have your phones at the table. You know, and I don't say that to sound condescending. You know, I say that because I'm human just like everyone else. If I have my phone on me and it's buzzing and beeping, I'm gonna feel the need to check it. And then every time I check it, I'm not going to be focused on the person that I'm with. So we can create physical environments that mirror the outcome that we're looking for. You know, if your goal is to get into better shape and to eat a better diet, well, your physical environment is going to be your refrigerator and your pantry and your cupboards. Well, if you only have healthy foods in those three areas, you have greatly increased the chance that you will eat a healthy diet. Um, so we can we can arrange our physical environments to be aligned or misaligned with what we're trying to achieve. And that will help with that for sure.

SPEAKER_01 39:24

Yeah, I think a lot of that comes down to discipline, right? We know what we're supposed to do. We know that this probably isn't the best environment for me going out on a Friday night when I have to get up early. Um, do I have the discipline to do the things I'm supposed to do or or not? I think that's that's a huge thing for kids that struggle to take the next step. They're just not always as disciplined as they need to be.

SPEAKER_00 39:48

Yes. And what I want those athletes to hear is that discipline is a decision. Motivation is a feeling, and we don't have control over that. We don't necessarily control how motivated we feel at any given moment. Now, once again, there are steps we can take. We can do things to our physical environment that increase the chance that we will feel some motivation, but but motivation as a long-term source is very unreliable. Discipline, however, is the decision in the moment. And every single one of us is capable of making a disciplined decision anytime there's that fork in the road. Now, whether we do or not is a completely different discussion, but we have the opportunity to do it. And the way I define discipline, a disciplined decision is the decision in the moment that most aligns with the goal you've set, or it's the decision in the moment that most aligns with the person you're trying to be. So if my goal is to be a physically fit 50-year-old and it's time for me to order lunch, if I order, you know, uh uh roasted salmon with salad, then that's a disciplined decision because that's going to take me closer to being physically fit. Now, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with getting a burger and fries, but just know that in that moment I'm picking, uh I'm making a choice that is not in alignment with the person I'm trying to become. So I would say in that regard, that would be an undisciplined decision. Now, again, no judgment for me. If someone wants to eat burger and fries, have at it. And I do that occasionally as well. But I know for me personally, most of the decisions I make most of the time in most areas of my life are aiming towards the person I'm trying to become. And therefore, I identify as a very disciplined person.

SPEAKER_01 41:31

Yeah, that's huge. Uh, what what do you think? What do you believe about success that you think most people would disagree with?

SPEAKER_00 41:41

Well, I don't know about disagree with, but I think what most people get wrong is that they allow other people to define success for them. And most of society tends to be very outcome-based and results-based when they define success. They define success on the basketball court, uh, you know, wins versus losses. How many points did you score? Are you on the all-state team? Did you make the all-star team? Did you get a college scholarship? And there's nothing wrong with any of those outcomes. Uh, you know, the pursuing them, there's nothing wrong. But if that's your only metric for success, well, that's, you know, that's that's limited to very few. I mean, at the time of this recording, uh, tonight we officially start March Madness. 68 teams are alive and well at present. In three weeks, it'll be down to one team. There'll only be one team crowned national champion. Well, does that mean the other 360 teams in men's division one basketball didn't have successful seasons? To some people, yeah, but not by my definition. I believe success is something we should all define for ourselves. You know, what tends to happen just again, societally, is you know, how much money do you make? What is your job title? How many Instagram followers do you have? You know, how big is your house? What kind of car do you drive? What does your watch look like? What does your spouse look like? You know, what college are your kids going to go to? Those teams are all very outcome-based metrics that that people you and someone that can check all of those boxes, most people would say, wow, that person is very successful. Well, what if that person had deals with a tremendous amount of depression or anxiety or doesn't like who they are or has an estranged relationship with their children or their spouse? You know, if they're not checking those boxes, I don't know that I would necessarily call them a success. So to me, the most important part about success is that each of us can define it however we want, you know, and you have to use whatever metrics are most important to you. For me, the number one North Star uh for my own success is fulfillment. You know, do I am I enjoying and feeling fulfillment from the people I'm with and the things that I do? And if the answer to That is yes, that I'm living a successful life. It has nothing to do with bank account or stages or followers, you know, and those things are fine and they're vanity metrics. And of course, do I want the ability to earn more money and to be on bigger stages and to grow my following? Absolutely. But I don't let those things define my success. Those things, I don't let those define my self-worth and my self-confidence. So to me, that's what's most important. Success needs to come from the inside out.

SPEAKER_01 44:30

I love that. I love that. Uh to finish up here, we're going to do some rapid fire questions. You just say the first thing that comes to mind, no thinking about it. Who's going to win the NCAA tournament this year? Duke. Shot clock or no shot clock?

SPEAKER_00 44:44

Shot clock at every level for everyone.

SPEAKER_01 44:46

Thank you. I agree. One habit every young athlete should build today.

SPEAKER_00 44:52

Make their bed.

SPEAKER_01 44:54

I love that. Tell my daughters that, would you?

SPEAKER_00 44:57

I will. And my three children don't make their bed, just for the record, but and I say this with a wink and a smile, and this is not hyperbole. I have made my bed every single day for the last 40 years and have not missed a day. Doesn't matter if I'm at home, doesn't matter if I'm traveling, if I'm in a hotel, I've made my day, bet made my bed every day for 40 years and haven't missed a day.

SPEAKER_01 45:21

There's some research behind that that shows that making your bed starts your day off uh more disciplined and more focused. Uh do you think there's any truth to that?

SPEAKER_00 45:31

A hundred percent, yes. But going back to everything, I mean, this is a nice red bow tie on everything we've talked about. My children know I make my bed every single day. My three children don't make their bed, and I don't force them to, I don't guilt them, I don't shame them, like I don't go in and make it for them. Like that's their decision, but I have modeled that for their entire lives. And maybe one day it'll click, maybe they'll try and do it, but that's completely up to them.

SPEAKER_01 45:56

Maybe they like a messy bed. I don't know. That's what they say, anyways. Uh, one trait every elite performer shares. Passion. One mindset shift that changes everything.

SPEAKER_00 46:10

Next play.

SPEAKER_01 46:12

One book that every athlete should read.

SPEAKER_00 46:16

Leading with the Heart by Coach K.

SPEAKER_01 46:19

I like that. If any young athlete listening to this wants to maximize their potential, not just in sports, but in school, in life, what advice would you give to them?

SPEAKER_00 46:30

Do the best you can with what you have wherever you are, and do not blame, complain, or make excuses.

SPEAKER_01 46:36

Love it. Alan, this has been incredible. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to share your perspective and experience with me today. There's a lot of noise out there in the world of performance, leadership, and success, but I I think you you do it better than anybody else. Conversations like this cut through all of it and get to what actually matters: the discipline, the mindset, and the daily choices that shape who we become. For everyone listening, if something Alan said today resonated with you, just don't let it be motivation for the next hour. Turn it into action. Do something every single day. Take steps every single day because growth doesn't happen when it's convenient. It happens when we decide to do the work, anyways. If you enjoyed this episode of the Pressure Proof Podcast, make sure to share it with someone who's carrying pressure in their life right now. Could be an athlete, a coach, parent, a leader. Um, and before we go, this episode was sponsored by Curly Wealth Management out of Oneana, New York. We appreciate their support in helping us bring these conversations to life. Thanks again for listening. And remember the goal isn't to avoid pressure, the goal is to become the kind of person who grows stronger because of it.