Return to Chapter 2 Part 2: Tournament of The Ages

Our travellers have followed the breadcrumbs right to the elusive plothole. Are they cunning enough to survive their biggest trial to date?

Starring

Tyler Wood as Ayahee

Grant Janik as The DM

Mark Brady as John Lick

Shane Smith as Ranger "Always In" Danger

with Lisa Corrao as The Narrator (@LisaCorrao)

Intro and outro music provided by Tim White @DDSluggers

Follow us on social media @ComedyNDice

Patreon.com/ComedyNDice

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

You are listening to Comedy and Dice, the number seven rated DD podcast amongst our friends and significant others. Please enjoy. Welcome to the next episode of Comedy and Dice. I've spent so long, I forgot how big it is. Wow, wee. My name is Tyler Wood. I play AIE, who is an Aracakra barbarian, newly minted father of one beautiful child, and he is on an adventure with his two friends. And to my left, not a friend, a foe in this setting. It is our DM Gran Janik. Hello, my name is Gran. I'm the DM. DM, of course, stands for drama mean. I think I haven't done that one yet. That's pretty good. We've only done like 12. I know, but uh, I only wrote 12, so we're gonna have to repeat soon. Also, I'm the world, and I am excited to be foes with all of you, but to my left is one of Tyler's friends. Can you can you bump the table on every intro? Yeah, uh give me one to my left. Motherfucker, I'm gonna get out and knock you. Knock my table. Uh to my left, one of Tyler's friends is I'm Mark Brady.

SPEAKER_06 1:17

I am John Lick in the story.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

I am a druid dog man. Nice. And uh you should know this by now.

unknown 1:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

And if you yeah, what's wrong with you all?

SPEAKER_04 1:30

Why don't you remember this? Mark's saying it to himself. He's like, I should know this by now. Why are you starting with this episode?

SPEAKER_01 1:36

I'm reading my own notes, going, I got it. Now I know. Yeah, yeah. And to my left is also one of Tyler's friends and one of my friends. Oh boy. Shane Smith.

SPEAKER_04 1:45

Hello. Uh I'm Shane Smith. I'm playing Ranger Danger, uh, you know, a thrill-seeking half-elf that likes to party and have a good time, you know, in terms of character development. I'm pretty stagnant, but we're here. I'm doing it. That's really your choice. I know.

SPEAKER_09 1:59

I know.

SPEAKER_04 2:00

Uh Tyler, I'm almost 50 years old and I've not set a goal my entire life. You think I'm gonna change for a podcast? No, but this isn't you. This is who you could be. This guy could be five foot one. Yeah. You're right. And to my left is Tyler Wood. Hey guys, I play AI the barbarian Eric Cochra, newly minted father. Uh okay, Grant. Um, where did we leave off? We we've um we were thoroughly confused about plot holes, but I think since then we've kind of clarified a few things. Big episode, big, big episode lap happened last time. Big confusion. Yes. So to help clarify plot holes for anybody that's still just a little bit confused, uh, what you guys would understand about the story is when the narrator, not narrator, excuse me, I'll take that again. When the author Edgar Allan Pooh wrote this fucking silly spray. I don't want to do a lot of editing. Oh, damn. I bet you could do less editing if you just had an open flame candle here and that next to it. You're like, I'm gonna fuck up. So when we last left off, you guys have discovered the story of the author, Edgar Allan Pooh, where he created this magical notebook, and when casting this spell, uh, some side effects happened that created these plot holes, which are physical manifestations within each story. If you tear them enough, the story falls apart and the chapter falls out of the book. So your goal now is to travel into each chapter and find its plot hole. Giving you this information is your new friend, the bookworm. Oh, yeah, who has been teaching you and he's accompanying along you. He's hanging out in, I believe, AI's shirt pocket currently. Also he's yep. It's been a month and a half since we recorded. Let's get this combat going. Also newly minted is your child you. You named your child you. I did. Uh gender switches from girl and boy all the time. So uh it's it's a cloaker, man. It's uh fluid. The main thing, though, that you guys are going to discover is you are back in chapter two, which was famously the trial of Boone Randley, but you have diverted from that because you learned that the plot hole is located in the ant hill of the ants that you discovered in the jail cell. So you put on the headband and you have walking to the ant hill. Uh and as we pick up, I just need you, John, to make a constitution saving throw.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Ooh, right out of the gate.

SPEAKER_04 4:51

Right out of the gate. 12. As you approach closer and closer to this anthill, you see little specks of red start to grow and grow and grow higher and higher until you see almost this mountain, this giant anthill. Not for ants, but for your size. It is literally if you scaled up an anthill to be your size. What is this? An anthill for people? I know. I was about to make the exact same joke. That's amazing. Good zoolander rather. Yeah, for sure. So as you walk closer, you all start to feel physical manifestations and power of this otherworldly force start to affect you. And you, John, feel these waves start to trickle into you, and all of a sudden you feel your body start to compress and change. Your fur starts to change colors, and you start to shrink and shrink until you are now on all fours still. You grow a little bit more of a mustache. You have changed from a golden retriever to a Scottish Terrier. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_06 6:06

Boys, I think we got a problem.

SPEAKER_04 6:11

What'd you do? What did you eat? What happened? What did you get into?

SPEAKER_06 6:15

I don't know. I think I was in looking at all these ants down here, and then the next thing I knew, um Me! I'm looking at me!

SPEAKER_04 6:23

I ICA, you've you've shrunk. You're not the cool golden retriever that we were before. You still got a nice smart suit on.

SPEAKER_06 6:31

I I like the nice red in my hair, but unfortunately, now I'm a whole different dog.

SPEAKER_04 6:37

So the it the bookworm inches out of your pocket and goes, I was afraid this might happen. You see. Afraid of wolf. No, don't give him I hate it when people do that. Oh, I hate it when they pause and they go, they just want the conversation. Tell us, tell us iPods were dramatic. Like, I'm not gonna tell. Oh, it's back into your pocket, motherfucker. No, I I was afraid that this would happen. You see what? You sound like me. Uh as you approach closer to the plot hole, you're gonna run into various traps and mind games. The author doesn't want you to find this, so he's gonna put as many obstacles as he can to make you divert from his path. So I clearly think we're on the right way if this is happening. Wait, does that mean we're gonna change too?

SPEAKER_00 7:30

I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 7:31

Oh man.

SPEAKER_00 7:32

All I know is that wild magic should come, and I am very scared for what's on the inside of this anthill.

SPEAKER_04 7:40

It might be the most repulsive or just regurgitated ickiness in that anthill. I want us to be prepared for what we might find. Oh man, I wish you were the author. You you have such a way with words. You say the same thing over and over in basically the same way, and I just love it. I'd love to read a book of it. It's like writing a college essay, but you have to hit a word count. Wait, wait, this podcast is just for word count? Gotta hit an hour. Gotta hit an hour. It's gonna hit the algorithm, boys.

SPEAKER_05 8:13

Uh I really, really, really don't want to go down that hole. I don't want to why should we why should we need to do oh no, I'm turning this someone else here?

SPEAKER_04 8:24

Or it's an Arnold Schwarzenegger Terrier. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_06 8:31

I mean, I mean, what why are we going down the hole? Why can't we just get her back?

SPEAKER_04 8:37

You need to get the plot hole to escape the book. We gotta goatsey the plot hole. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so we just gotta go up this mountain, then we just gotta stretch the top open. This is not gonna be a clip that I edit because I am not gonna put a goatsy picture on a TikTok. You don't know what it is, dude. I don't know. Google it real quick. Go ahead, Google. Oh, open, open put it on private mode. Yeah, put it on private mode. Also, be prepared to do something too soon. This will make a clip. Oh man. Oh, you're seeing, yeah. Oh, you're oh, you're seeing all the fine ones. Yeah. I get the idea. No, you don't. My phone is too pre pure. Prim proper. I have a phone. You know what? Let's continue. When I find a good picture of it, I'm just gonna show it. I'm just gonna scroll. Great open assholes for you. So you you see the ants start to approach the entrance to this ant hill, and it looks like a giant cave leading into this tower, Tower of Babylon, constructed of mini like grains of red sand. It looks like a red ant hill. Okay. But it is huge. And they just walk straight in. So you guys are at the precipice of the entrance to it. So But it's not like a volcano, that's like a cave. It's a it's an ant hill. It's a true ant hill. So are you c climbing up the to the top of this thing looking down? Not the top. No. There's a little cave at the bottom. So man, I don't think you've ever seen an ant hill. There's multiple ways to do an ant hill. No, I don't think there are. Let's Google it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 10:11

Ant hill goat seat. I'm pretty sure there's only one way in, and one way out is a hole. Fire anthill. There looks like there's some down the bottom.

SPEAKER_04 10:24

You never said it was fire ants, though. Fire well, the red, I think. Infers. That the red. Alright, anyway, there's a hole going in it. Yeah, there's a bunch of holes. Okay, but we're not going from the top. You're not going from the top. Bottom. From the base. Okay. From the yaw of the hilt. Yeah. Oh my fucking lights.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 10:46

I'm sorry you I've seen it. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

I thought it was going to be a cartoon.

SPEAKER_04 10:51

Oh my god. Oh. That's what I was looking at in middle school. Oh, really? That's been out for a while. Oh, dude, it's old. It's been out for a while. So was that guy? Wow. Yeah. Next episode, we're going to meet a character named Mr. Hands. Oh no. Guy got fucked by a horse to death. I'm so sorry to derail this. I did know Mr. Hands. Yeah. Personally. I didn't know Mr. Hands either. It's bad stuff. I really gotta look up some new stuff. No, no, you know. I'll give you a list. We're in the anthill. So you are at the entrance to the ant hill, and the inchworm comes on out and he says, I just want us all to be prepared for whatever's going to be inside here. Because it could be very, very scary. It he slinks back into the pocket. Thinks I'm scared. I ain't scared. Yeah, I'm not scared. I ain't scared. I like that. My name's Ranger Danger. I like it. Yeah, you share needles. Yeah, I do. I'll fucking pay me one now. You guys got one? No, I'm all out on needles. Okay, I was gonna say, because we could have gotten that Yeti down a lot faster if we had a needle. Yeah, but I don't want to go in first. I'll go in first. I ain't a pussy. You know where I'm from? Everything's better there. Where are we from, father? I'm from the burrow. The burrow? Yeah, we're burrowing birds. One of those five burrows. Oh, I see. One of the five burrows outside the tree. They stick their head in the sand. Yeah, and then it's followed by the whole body because we're burrowing underground. Other birds that do that? Yeah, ostriches. I guess they do that, they do the head thing. But yeah, I'm sure they're like groundbound birds. Groundbound birds. Or ground birds? Yeah, ground birds, yeah. Yeah, like penguins. Like a kiwi. Or a kiwi. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 12:30

Yeah, but not underground.

SPEAKER_04 12:32

No what? What are you right now? I'm all squatish. You are a talking dog. I believe my father in everything that he says. That's what I'm talking about. I need a yes man. I need a yes man on this theme. Yes person. Tweet, tweet, bitch. Let's go. All right, I'll take middle. Okay. So uh you guys end up. I'll take the goatsy. Yes, several bird species burrow or nest underground to protect their young from predators and maintain a stable climate. So not one of these uh small birds, their children, have ever been taken by Jeffrey Epstein. Oh, well that's exciting. Look at that. That's exciting. It's good news. He didn't get all. Yes. Alright, so I uh I want to puff out my my feathers and appear bigger than I am. Uh Father, are you attracting a mate right now? No, no, not not right now. Uh uh well, I guess it depends on if there's any anybody in there, but not not at the moment. You know, I just do my thing. All right. As you enter in, your chest puffed out. It's dark first as you enter, so sight does not hit you first. The smell hits you first. It is the most repugnant and putrid smell as it enters your nostrils. Oh, Jesus Christ. And then you see a light slowly start to get brighter and brighter until you enter out of the mouth of this cave and you are standing in a big chasm where you see giant ants about the size of I'd say a cow standing against one or standing in front of one another, two or one by one. What? Single file. Okay. Not single file. There is two there's like guards going down a they're facing each other. They're facing each other. So there's two ants and they're looking at each other, and that's happening over and over and over again. Okay. And each of the two pairs of ants there's a bunch of pairs of ants. That's the best way to do it. So it's like a processional down the center.

SPEAKER_06 14:38

I think we're in honey, I shrunk the kids.

SPEAKER_04 14:42

You see.

SPEAKER_06 14:43

So we can ride them.

SPEAKER_04 14:44

We can. Uh as you get closer, you see that they are doing something in the middle. Uh each pair is doing something in the middle. They are actively engaging in. Coitus. Well, not really. Oh. Uh as you get closer and closer, you see. You smell bleach. You see these little cards that like little squares. And uh they're each facing half of the cards are facing one ant, and half of the cards are facing the other ant. And they are. No, they're doing the opposite of coitus. They're playing guess who. They're virgins. You see that they have little pictures of creatures on them, and there's different colors in them. And so I was right. There's some getting like really into the game, and you hear like a loud rumbling of I attack you, and it's gonna cost three damage as you go through. Holy shit, guys. T T R P G ants. Oh god. Who's wearing this headset thing? Um, it's whoever wants to right now. You guys could pass it along, so it's whoever wants it. Oh, I didn't I don't need to talk to him. I know they loses. Yeah.

unknown 15:54

No.

SPEAKER_04 15:55

Uh I put it on. Okay. Uh what is this let it lets me a talk to him or a controller? I can't remember. It lets you control the smaller ants. Oh, but not the big ones. Not the bigger ones. Uh does it allow me to use language there and have them talk to the speaking English, so all of three of you understand. Well, some of them are are speaking Japanese every once in a while. Yeah, but it's not the ones you want at some day. Yeah, it's not. Oh, yeah. Okay, well then I don't need this hat. Because it's apparently I can talk to these ants anyway. What do you guys want to do? You guys let's just do it. There's big ones and then small ones. There's small ones that small ones and regular ones. Yeah, I don't I was gonna I was just gonna see what was up, but I can I don't hey, hey, uh, hey, the ants. Little guys. The The little guys.

SPEAKER_07 16:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:42

Yo, what what are they playing?

SPEAKER_07 16:45

I don't really know. They don't let us play because they're bigger than us, but it's something to do with like battling, and it is like all it's basically the precipice of our entire society here. If you're good at the game, then you are the best in that.

SPEAKER_04 16:58

It's the edge of their entire society, the precipice.

SPEAKER_07 17:03

The queen is the one that's actually the best at the game, so uh that's how she got in power.

SPEAKER_04 17:08

Hold on, there's no way a woman's playing those.

SPEAKER_06 17:13

We'll be back right after this commercial war again.

SPEAKER_07 17:17

We're not allowed to play because we're too small and like the cards are about four times as big as us.

SPEAKER_08 17:24

Okay, okay. I get it.

SPEAKER_07 17:25

Yeah, it has cool art and they do like different kinds of damage. There's like lightning damage and fire damage and psychic damage and water damage and legal.

SPEAKER_05 17:33

Okay, okay, yeah, yeah. Uh let me ask you this. Um, lassic, great movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that dog.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

Um everywhere.

SPEAKER_05 17:45

Um you guys play the card game. Do you do any real life battle?

SPEAKER_07 17:53

This is it. This is the real life battle. Is when you're ready to battle your battle with the cards.

SPEAKER_04 17:58

Uh no, I don't think they they they don't fight.

SPEAKER_07 18:02

The only way to get anywhere in this society is to get good at the game. We can show you.

SPEAKER_04 18:07

Uh we gotta leave.

SPEAKER_07 18:08

Okay. Well, why'd you have us come to the thing?

SPEAKER_04 18:12

Because we gotta we gotta find a thing and rip it open and go through it.

SPEAKER_05 18:15

We gotta take us to your hole.

SPEAKER_04 18:17

Yeah, and remember we don't know what I'm talking like you now.

SPEAKER_07 18:20

Oh, oh, you want to see the queen? Take us to you.

SPEAKER_04 18:22

No, we want to see a plot hole. That's problematic. Don't call the queen the plot hole. That's here.

SPEAKER_07 18:28

Follow us, follow us.

SPEAKER_04 18:30

And here we go. They lead you past this game area into another room. How does it smell? That's why it smells good.

SPEAKER_09 18:37

Okay, I got you. Yeah, I gotcha.

SPEAKER_04 18:40

So they lead you past this game area into the back room, and you walk in to see a giant just a labyrinth of hallways. Yeah, yeah. Back rooms. We can never it's all limital space. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 18:53

They all got holes in them.

SPEAKER_04 18:56

You see uh they take you along these tunnels, and the ants clearly know where they're going. And do you still have the head? Yeah, I do. So you are able to instinctively know where all of the tunnels are. So you can get to just about anywhere in the you know every location in this ant where you two, John and AI, are walking blind. You're just following to follow. They got a theater over there, guys. Oh, no shit. Yeah, they watch movies. Like a full screen? Yeah, they watched ants and then the uh bug's life. That's all they got. Oh, just on repeat? Yeah, yeah. That's all they got.

SPEAKER_07 19:28

We also have the ant bully, but it's done.

SPEAKER_04 19:31

Okay, fair enough. What about that one? Uh that's that's the casino. The casino. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Penny slapped, I bet. Oh, that's all they got. Yeah, yeah. And then over there, that's the massage room. That's all I know. What goes on in there? You don't want to know.

SPEAKER_08 19:45

That's where the smell's coming from.

SPEAKER_04 19:47

There's so many legs, you don't want to know. This is gross. So they walk you into this giant throne room, and you see this gigantic red fire ant sitting atop this throne, and in her crown, she has a crown of crested jewels, and the center jewel you recognize to be the shimmer of the plot hole. Oh. And as you approach, all the ants bow and the little ants motion for you guys to do the same thing, to bow.

SPEAKER_06 20:19

I go, I'm gonna need that crown there, sweetheart.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

Just go ahead and give it over. And I start walking towards her and try to.

SPEAKER_04 20:26

As you start walking towards her, you hear her go, Holt! And you see these thick, burly bullet ants step in front of you, standing on their hind legs, holding giant spears, and these are like 16 feet tall bullet ants. 16 feet? 16 feet tall as a bullet ants. Bullet ants. Really should have seen those. Yes. Uh bullet ants, famously the number one, like oh, painful sting. Number one most painful sting. Yeah. Uh they all step in front of you like her guards and block your path. And she goes, I am Queen Antoinette. Oh, oh, yeah. Why do you need my crown?

SPEAKER_05 21:08

You don't want to start this. Yeah, I um my dying wife. Uh, I need a precious jewel. It's the only way it'll save a life. And I uh need that thing off your head there. Uh, just the middle one. You can keep all the rest around it, just knock it out, give it to me, and I can give you some uh, you know, some of my hair. You know. You know, like a Rapunzel thing. You can take my hair and I get the jewel and I save a life. Roll is that how that story goes?

SPEAKER_04 21:42

Roll either deception or persuasion. Um, I'm gonna do persuasion. Uh eleven. With an eleven she eleven. Eleven she goes, You are challenging me for my divine right to rule. This crown makes me queen. The only way you I think your voice does.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

Come on, high five then.

SPEAKER_04 22:07

The bullet ants stick up all like uh four of them because we're standing on two and they high five, yeah. The only way you will ever have access to this crown is if you win it from me in a game of cards. Oh yeah, can we all play? Are you directly challenging me? Absolutely. Well, you must earn your right to challenge me. Are you entering upon the tournament then? Oh shit. Oh man. We should have learned how to play back then. Yes, yes, of course. Well, if you so dare challenge me, then I shall be gracious enough to present you your starting deck. And she reaches into her bag and hands you. Oh, Grant's reaching into his bag. Oh shit. I'm gonna hand you as I pull out this Pokemon card pack that I bought at Walmart. I'm like, I'm handing this over to Mark. We're gonna video this open, man. What if he gets Wow?

SPEAKER_05 23:10

Am I really opening this? Yes, you're gonna cry on the podcast.

SPEAKER_04 23:13

The way we're gonna do this is uh you need to find uh she's gonna pipe up again, and she goes, Now clearly you're new here, so you've never learned how to play. And so I must assign you a coach. And she claps and in scuttles this little carpenter ant.

SPEAKER_02 23:36

Uh, and he goes, Hello, hello there. Oh shit, I don't like this. Hello, right.

SPEAKER_05 23:44

You're like a public defendant.

SPEAKER_02 23:46

I I guess. I mean, I'm here to teach you the game, but uh my name, my name's Antonio, and I'm here to teach you the game.

SPEAKER_05 23:56

I get it very funny.

SPEAKER_02 23:57

Yeah, we all got ant punts, so you're only gonna meet through I'm Kermit. You're only You've done Kermit before. I know, I gotta think of a different.

SPEAKER_04 24:06

Uh what's it's hard to keep one. I know that. I got a di I got a different voice for him. Well, hey there. Uh nope, done that before. Uh think of one of your loser friends and just imitate them. No, because it's not Oh, he's doing me. Uh oh fuck. What is it? Oh fuck.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

Well, well, well, hi there. Hi. Um, nice to You're doing my old voice. Just just wait. Nice, nice to meet you. This is great. I'm so excited to teach you this game. You see, my son is big into it. I don't know much about it, but I'm I'm eager and ready to ready to get in there and help you win. Great. Yes, uh, my name's Antonio. So we're gonna we're gonna teach you this game. Uh which is called Pookemon.

SPEAKER_04 24:57

Pokemon. Is that how you say it? Pookie Man. Pookie Man.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

So if you follow me into the training quarters, I will teach you how to play the game.

SPEAKER_06 25:09

Great. Let's uh let's go into training. Um also like the can my friends join, or is it you know, can we do it as well?

SPEAKER_00 25:17

They'll come with you, but you are the one signed up in the tournament.

SPEAKER_03 25:21

So it falls upon you.

SPEAKER_04 25:23

It's all on your shoulders. Good thing you got a new accent. I want a new accent now.

SPEAKER_06 25:32

He's a little funner than my other one. I gotta I think even if I go back, I'm gonna keep it. Great. So I'm gonna go ahead and open.

SPEAKER_04 25:41

Yes. So what I need you to do is uh go ahead and open it. First, Mark, do you have you ever played Pokemon before? Never. Perfect. I want you to. I'm so glad you got this, uh, to describe the best of your ability each thing that you're opening up for me. Oh, great, okay. What kind of jank assessment? Oh, this is this is a reselled resold pack. Alright, so this isn't it's not good. No, no, these are people that buy packs and then repackage them to look like oh. They take they take the shitty packs, like the shitty cards, and then repackage them and sell them again. Okay. Yeah. That's fucked up. So you want me to channel your best inner ash catch them.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

Yeah. Yeah. So you want me to describe the card and the name of it. Yeah. We're going through all 50 of these.

SPEAKER_04 26:28

Don't read the description. Just be like, the name is this and it looks like this.

SPEAKER_01 26:32

Okay. Uh it's a Trumbek and it looks like Tyler.

SPEAKER_04 26:38

Let me see what that looks like. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 26:40

All right.

SPEAKER_04 26:41

I thought he meant me IRL. It just it looks a bird. It's a bird. That's all. Yeah. Okay. Now we have a uh we have a great ball. Oh. Which I've heard is better than others. That's the best one. The Mongolians tried to take it down and they couldn't. I thought this was Grant's uh great ball. Uh we have a nest ball, which is not as good. My people love it. Can you pretend like you're reading to the class? And like tell.

SPEAKER_01 27:14

We have an electric generator, which looks like a pencil sharpener that's shooting out. Uh that's a pencil sharpener from the 90s. You go over and crank it out.

SPEAKER_04 27:24

Yeah. Uh we have a rusted shield. You just say go over there and crank it out. Yeah. Yeah. This is back when you had to crank them. I gotta send you a video of uh my wife cranking on a pencil sharpener. Uh she went to my friend's house for a party and she's like, You got a pencil sharpener? She lost her fucking mind and it about pulled the thing off the wall. He had to tighten it after he left. Oh shit. You guys party. We do. We know how to party.

SPEAKER_01 27:47

Uh oh, we have fire energy. Ooh. Think about that. Yep. Uh Corfish, which is uh is a lobster.

SPEAKER_04 27:55

What is he just a lobster or what does he have going on there? He's a rock lobster.

SPEAKER_01 27:59

He was on the beach. Yeah, I think a rock lobster, yeah, sure. Tangle Tang Tangelia. Tangle, goddamn.

SPEAKER_04 28:08

Tangela, oh, I'm sorry. Tangela, that's original. Well, you picked 151. Yeah, so that one's probably worth a dollar.

SPEAKER_01 28:15

Yeah, you're probably you're probably asking the wrong guy to read.

SPEAKER_04 28:18

No, we're asking the perfect brain.

SPEAKER_01 28:20

And it looks like uh a brain with eyeballs, but uh a brain around a face. Uh Sand Shrew, everyone loves Sand Shrew. Sand Shrew looks like a little uh uh Armadillo after COVID just gained 20 pounds. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Solrock, which is uh it's like a beam. It looks like uh almost like a high sun. Okay, yeah. Shuckle. Shuckle is a uh a turtle that has a turtle neck on, it looks like. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:56

What do you think that back hole is for? Uh it's for shooting out energy. Oh, yeah. Is that right? Uh yeah, goatsey energy. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would say it's very defensive. So you know all these characters. I do. Okay. All these characters. You know all these fellows, huh?

SPEAKER_01 29:14

Good friends. This isn't how it's pronounced, but I think this is Tyrone.

SPEAKER_04 29:19

What is this? What is this? It's a Tyrue. Tyrue. Tyrue, yeah. Wait, Tyrone, really?

SPEAKER_01 29:28

Amazing. That's the best card so far. Tyrrogue is uh looks like uh a guy hanging out in an alley, and he likes doing chin-ups on near air conditioning vents. Alrighty. All right, 24 cards left to get. Yeah, let's speed it up. Sobel. Sobel surprise has a surprise attack, and it added being too cute. Oh, look at how cute he is. Boneeri.

SPEAKER_04 29:54

Oh. Baneery is a uh bunny. It's a pillow. I was just gonna say that. It sounds like somebody you take a shot for or pill. Yeah. A lot of people want to fuck what that evolves into. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. What does it evolve into? A sexier rabbit Pokemon. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, I get it. Yeah. I've never seen that card. All right, you ever seen Zootopia? Yep. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Or uh what's the I have. I don't want to fuck anything in it. What is wrong with you? Fuck you, Mark. You didn't see how sexy that sloth was. Yeah. You think Judy Hop's attractive? Okay, yeah. Yeah, there you go. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:30

Oh, guess who's back?

SPEAKER_04 30:34

Well, it's a different angle. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:37

There you go. Yeah, it looks different. It looks like um both these cards kind of look like different Jim Carries. Like you have the one that's recently been a clone and the other one that looks more like it.

SPEAKER_04 30:47

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 30:47

Is that the whole thing? Yeah, and there's no foil.

SPEAKER_04 30:50

I'll call the uh the fucking FTC.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

Yeah, we have it live. We opened it live.

SPEAKER_04 30:54

All right. Uh how you know what? Trimbeak was the first one. Wait, there's a little bit of shiny too. A little shiny. Yeah. Okay. How Mark just explained everything is how Antonio the Nerd Dad just explained to you guys how to play the game. Word for word. Jesus. Yeah, that guy doesn't know shit about those games. Alright, but but how do we use the energy?

SPEAKER_00 31:17

Oh, um it you got one that's fire and one that's an eyeball. So you use them.

SPEAKER_04 31:24

Yeah to what? Uh win. Okay. Um, so say, uh, let's have a little mock. Uh you want to have a uh uh Mr. Terrier, you want to have a little mock battle right now?

SPEAKER_01 31:35

Uh yeah, let me uh let me see here. Do I uh do I put them face down? Do I keep them all?

SPEAKER_00 31:43

From what I remember, I see I see my son start out with them face down.

SPEAKER_04 31:51

In a pile? Yeah, in a pile. They sh they shuffle it up.

SPEAKER_00 31:54

Okay, and then uh you draw a card uh off the top.

SPEAKER_04 32:01

Just one?

SPEAKER_00 32:02

Just one, yeah. And you have to say why your card is better than the other card. And if you do that, you win the game.

SPEAKER_05 32:11

Alright. Oh, this seems Wait a minute, wait a minute. So this is like war.

SPEAKER_04 32:16

Kind of, but it's war with politics, so it's like actual war. Oh, real war. Yeah. That's what I mean.

SPEAKER_06 32:23

And I just have to make you believe my my card. Card is better. Yes. Interesting. So let's play.

SPEAKER_04 32:31

What what are you?

SPEAKER_06 32:35

To my friend. Yeah, pull off in front of me.

SPEAKER_04 32:38

So I only I only draw one. You only draw one, that's right. Do I get to look at it, or do I get to it? You look at it as you draw. Okay, and then you show it. I I got Prinpulp. The penguin. Oh yeah. Well, I got uh Kremgle. Oh. So I'm gonna say why it's better?

SPEAKER_00 33:00

Yeah, you each say why yours is better. You have uh 20 seconds to do so, and then you'd both come to an agreement.

SPEAKER_04 33:07

Alright, Prinpulp, uh, he's got uh he's got an HP of 90, so he's pretty healthy. Uh his one attack is peck, he's a pecker, uh, and he's a good peck, he's a real big pecker, and he's got 30 pecks. And uh how many pecs you got? Just two. I see him the real veiny, and he can beat the shit out of that little thing. What's it made? A paper mache?

SPEAKER_05 33:26

This this right here is uh it's got a uh weakness of two, which is like nothing.

SPEAKER_04 33:33

So it's a it doesn't even have a weakness.

SPEAKER_05 33:35

That's well, that's the problem. It's the weaknesses it's not even showing. So that's the problem. And so this then this one is uh it's able to fly, and yours is a bird that which happens to be grounded, so it's like the worst kind of bird.

SPEAKER_04 33:47

Yeah, but it can't be caught by Jeffrey Epstein.

SPEAKER_06 33:51

And uh yeah, it's got a clear tone and a hang down. Mine hangs down, you can't even get up in this.

SPEAKER_04 33:58

Yeah, but mine's got a pecker. Yours got a hang down, mine's got a pecker. I feel like that's similar. Well, how about this? Mine is two foot seven inches tall and it weighs 50 pounds. Okay, mine That's fucking thick.

SPEAKER_06 34:10

This is but the goal isn't to be thick, right? The goal is to be uh light and nimble, like two and two point two pounds with a height of two. Two what? Two two feet, two feet, and it's two point two pounds, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 34:30

Alright, so we gotta come to an agreement?

SPEAKER_00 34:33

Yes. And time. So who won?

SPEAKER_05 34:37

I think I won. I mean I think I don't even why why we see it. What do you think? Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I'm allowed to tie break.

SPEAKER_00 34:45

I think well, this this often happens in the game. We then get a judge to come on over. So a judge that patrols, he's not playing any gays, will come over. So in this case, we'll have it be you. Okay. And you'll say who wins.

SPEAKER_04 35:00

Okay. Um well this what is it, a chimico? I mean, it it looks cooler. Cooler than a penguin? Yeah. I think it just wins on looks alone. I don't even think he had to like argue. I think you collect the cards. Oh, this seems really arbitrary.

SPEAKER_00 35:17

It does seem arbitrary. John, you're a natural.

SPEAKER_04 35:20

That's the game. Yeah, you just picked the cooler card. Great. Great, I love it. All right.

SPEAKER_00 35:25

That's how you play. Any questions?

SPEAKER_04 35:28

That's this makes about as much sense as everything else in the podcast. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 35:32

Well, I I don't know much about the game. I just pick up what my son does.

SPEAKER_04 35:38

Well, that's good that you're a supportive father. Maybe I can learn a thing or two from you. I have a newly minted bird over there. Say hello.

SPEAKER_00 35:44

Hello. Hello.

SPEAKER_04 35:47

As you can see, he's probably gonna be playing a lot of this game.

SPEAKER_00 35:50

Oh, that's fine. Just make sure you ask if they're winning.

SPEAKER_04 35:54

I will. I will. I am so eager to play this game. Dad, can I have some cards? Why don't you give him a few cards? Alright. Yeah. Just like three. He's gonna eat them.

SPEAKER_00 36:03

Three? Alright. So now you go out there and you fight. You have to win a game against the reigning champion to even earn a spot to reign against the queen. Oh, I can't go straight for the queen. No, no. You have to earn your right to fight the queen. And uh the reigning son is Anthony, my son. So he's the reigning son.

SPEAKER_04 36:29

Anthony.

SPEAKER_00 36:31

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 36:31

Yep. All right.

SPEAKER_00 36:33

I couldn't think of any other ant name. So these are the only three NPCs that are named in this ant hill.

SPEAKER_05 36:39

What I'm gonna need you to do is have your son take a dive. Oh. Yeah. Oh just go ahead. Roll persuasion. And I'll give you another card.

SPEAKER_04 36:49

Oh. Well, he he hasn't got it. I'm the dad, so. Yeah, you give him the mic in. Yes, thank you so much for the cards. A tw fuck. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 36:59

You need my son to take a dive?

SPEAKER_04 37:02

Sure, I'll see what I can do. And he scuttles away. Yeah, hold it. If uh if it uh I have a shuckle if he's interested in that.

SPEAKER_00 37:11

That's uh the shuckle is I'll tell you what. Give me what you believe is the worst card. Oh, right. Nest ball. Okay, I will take nest ball and I will make him stack the deck so that he draws nest ball. So any card that you play in that deck should technically beat the nestball. Great, great, I love it, thank you. Okay. You have five minutes to prepare before you're ready to fight. All right. I'll be on the floor. Bye. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 37:52

He scuttles away. Alright. I I I got an idea of how you can prepare. Okay. All right. Uh what we're gonna do is I'm gonna have a little a little timer here. Uh uh you're gonna slap down a card, I'm gonna start the timer, and you got 10 seconds to tell me why it's good. All right? Completely blind pole. All right. All right, here we go. Hold on. Hold on.

SPEAKER_09 38:14

I'm gonna shuffle first.

SPEAKER_05 38:16

I'm shuffling, so it's uh it's true. True bleu. True. Go. This is a core fish. God damn it. I wish this wasn't the first one. I mean, this is a piece of shit right here.

SPEAKER_06 38:28

Uh, and it's it's the best because it's underwater. Time. Damn it. Oh my god. Next.

SPEAKER_01 38:34

All right, go.

SPEAKER_06 38:34

Sobble. Oh, I guess I mean, is it cluck clu clock fucking?

SPEAKER_08 38:39

It's not even saying the words.

SPEAKER_06 38:42

Sobble. Time. Shit.

SPEAKER_05 38:44

Oh, solo rock. It's uh can go anywhere and it's really hot. It's got a cosmic beam, it can burn all your britches off every which way.

SPEAKER_04 38:52

Okay, now we're cooking.

SPEAKER_06 38:54

This is a oh, the thrum beak. And that's the uh because it's uh all shiny and new. It's got a oh, it's got like a beaker to can kiss you to and um fuck that was a great uh ooh, electric generator.

SPEAKER_01 39:06

Oh, this can sharpen all your pencil and it's got a beam and can blast you and give you energy at the same time.

SPEAKER_04 39:14

You know what, John? I think you're ready. All right, let's do it. He scuttles back in. The timer for the event has gone off. Your match is about to start. And he leads you out to you see this circle of smelly ants all crowded around one, and you see this one ant with glasses sitting in the middle, shuffling his deck, and everybody make a perception check. 14, 11, 18. All of you notice this because you see it happen. He is shuffling the deck in a way where the top card never changes. He sets his deck down and he goes, challenge me if you dare.

SPEAKER_00 39:58

I do. Well then.

SPEAKER_05 40:00

Why are you rubbing your nipples?

SPEAKER_00 40:02

All six of them. I think adds have six nipples.

SPEAKER_04 40:06

I have nipples. They have no nipples. What are nipples for, Grant? Don't you fucking look it up. Don't you Google it? Look at me. Look at me, look at me. Ants don't milk. They come out of fucking eggs.

SPEAKER_05 40:18

Well, whatever that's going on, I don't like it.

SPEAKER_04 40:21

It's even worse if he's just rubbing where nipples would be.

SPEAKER_05 40:23

Yeah, you like things.

SPEAKER_04 40:25

I don't like that. I've seen stuff like this in the movies. I've seen it in ants, a bug's life in the ant mole.

SPEAKER_05 40:35

All right. Well, I just saw something way worse. It's called Gertzy.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

Draw your last pathetic card so we could end this, John. I hate what your lips are doing. I hate it all so much, but it's so fucking funny. You fist. One, two, three. I draw the nest ball, a trader item. Search my deck for a basic Pokemon and put it onto your bench, then shuffle my deck. Guess what? This ball is green. Just like envy. The power inside is what you need to use to discover this one. It also is a traitor card, so it would help you get better at the game.

SPEAKER_04 41:21

Time. Oh my god. I think we discovered Grant's favorite character. I think Grant's just letting himself be. I know, he's just being himself. That's how he plays magic. The worst part is it's an audio podcast, so they can't see every time this character talks, I am rubbing my nipple up. Oh hey, you know, that's just for you. This is Grant as Buffalo Bill.

SPEAKER_01 41:43

Fuck me.

SPEAKER_04 41:46

Oh, Garner Grant.

SPEAKER_01 41:49

We got a sock. It's uh it's it's a it's a water creature that's also uh a black belt, so it can kick anybody's ass, especially in this bowl. And it can sweep the leg and it's hot, baby. It's got 30 hit points, and you can't beat that.

SPEAKER_00 42:07

Oh no! That does defeat the nest ball in my draw step. I think I have to concede.

SPEAKER_04 42:24

Do you concede or come? Yeah, I'm not sure which it was.

SPEAKER_00 42:29

I could do two things at once. Stop and go at the same time. Multitask, you defeated me. Dad, I need a ride home. You're calling out to a character we're not. We're too busy laughing.

SPEAKER_04 42:47

Oh my god. Okay, son, let's get your home.

SPEAKER_00 42:51

Okay, done.

SPEAKER_05 42:54

All right, so uh I could have guessed you couldn't have drove yourself, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_00 42:59

No, I don't have my license. I'm working on my permit.

SPEAKER_04 43:04

That's okay. You're only 25.

SPEAKER_00 43:06

Yep. And I live in my parents' basement.

SPEAKER_04 43:09

So and you're wearing headphones with no music playing in them. I started doing that recently, and life's gotten a lot better. People are bothering me a lot less. It's real good. All right. So uh wait, before you go, uh Antoine?

SPEAKER_00 43:23

My name is Anthony.

SPEAKER_04 43:25

No, what's your dad's name?

SPEAKER_00 43:26

Oh, Antonio. Antonio.

SPEAKER_04 43:29

Yeah, and Antonio. So uh now that we we beat your son, what's next? Oh, you go and you get the formal right to challenge the queen. That's how a tournament works. Yes. It's one round and then you just challenge the champion. That's pretty good. Oh, yeah. This was the best player out here. So very lucky that. How many rounds of buys did we get? 12. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Lucky us. How did you not name one of the characters Grant? Ooh. I didn't need to. I think we can all figure out which character's a self-insert here. Yeah, I think you're right. Alright, hand it he's handing him a random card. Don't let him see. You walk in to challenge the queen, yes? That's right. Well, I see that you are able to defeat the reigning champion of the smelly pit. But can you fight against me? Naturally, the challenger goes first.

SPEAKER_06 44:32

Proceed. Here we go. Oh, we got Electric. This is uh there's a dinosaur mixed with a lightning McQueen and it's got a cool racing stripe, and it's got a thunder drop, which is like 30, which is means and he's got 70 hit points.

SPEAKER_05 44:46

He's full of electricity and power, and you can't stop that because you don't even know what it is in this hole. Hmm.

SPEAKER_04 44:53

Good play, good play. I, however, draw Gorefish the most powerful card. You see, he is also 70, and he has a water gun attack at 10 and Crab Hammer at 50. What uh what what type is your electric? Probably electric. Is it electric? No, Gorefish actually has a weakness times two to electric! No, I cannot defeat your electric. My rule! My rule! You are now king of the ants! Thank you very much.

SPEAKER_06 45:37

I just need the middle one though.

SPEAKER_04 45:39

Uh the queen hands you their crown, bestows it upon your head, and you see all the ants come out and start bowing down to you, going, All hell, King John, all hell King John, all hail King John, all hell King John.

SPEAKER_06 45:58

Well, uh first of all, I'd like to thank my trainer for teaching me how to play. I couldn't have done it without him.

SPEAKER_04 46:05

Oh, you just went out there and had fun. That's all you need to do.

SPEAKER_06 46:09

Also, you can all leave, you can get up, get off uh get off the ground and get off your six knees. Yeah. It's it's weird. You know, I I just uh played a game and you're all bowing, so I just need this. You're all can uh peruse the hole for the rest of your life and uh have a good one. We gotta go.

SPEAKER_04 46:30

Set them free.

SPEAKER_06 46:31

That's right.

SPEAKER_04 46:33

No, he didn't set them free. He just made them walk aimlessly around the animal forever.

SPEAKER_06 46:39

No more chores today. Take the day off, enjoy it. Oh, great. I never do my chores anyway. And uh, you know what, actually, every everyone go ahead and start rubbing your where your nipples might be.

SPEAKER_04 46:55

Everyone doing it in unison and and see what's so they all start rubbing their nipples and start chanting.

SPEAKER_00 47:01

Oh, this feels nice. Oh, this feels nice. Good luck, and it is part of this feels nice.

SPEAKER_05 47:10

Alright, that's enough.

SPEAKER_06 47:11

That's uh this is too much power. Enjoy it. You're all free. Oh, we enjoy it plenty.

unknown 47:17

Alright.

SPEAKER_04 47:18

Let's get the hell out of here, boys. Quick, grip it and rip it. Whoa! The stone. What the fuck were you playing for? Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_05 47:29

I kind of like to just maybe stay here for the rest of the time as No, don't your owner.

SPEAKER_04 47:34

He he's he's trapped in the other part of the cell. Don't forget, you still gotta throw it!

SPEAKER_05 47:39

All right, let's go. Let's uh I I've ripped my hole.

SPEAKER_04 47:42

So you reach into the gym and stretch out the hole to where it causes the entire fabric of reality to rip. Yeah. And yeah.

SPEAKER_05 47:53

I'm gonna need some stitches for this one.

SPEAKER_04 47:56

You goatsee the crown to where it shatters, and you end up back in that white void to where the portal comes back of pages and it sucks you guys up again, and you exit out of the book, and as you open it again, you see chapter two rip from the book and slowly fall down to the ground. And you look around, you see their cell is empty as the itchworm pops out of the pocket, and he goes. Okay, I just want to say this. That ant does not speak for all bugs, okay? We're not all like that. And with that, we end our session. Wow. Well, there you go. It's another one. All right.

SPEAKER_09 48:48

It's another one.

SPEAKER_04 48:50

That is another episode of Comedy and Dice in the Books. Thank you so much for being a listener. That means the world to us. If you would like to support directly, please check out our Patreon. It is patreon.com slash comedy and dice. That is patreon.com slash comedy, the letter in dice. If you want to see a live show, we have one coming up very soon. It is Saturday, March 28th at the Raleigh Comedy Festival. Please check out the Raleigh Comedy Festival website for more information on that. I believe it is 6 p.m. at the Hippo wine shop. We look forward to seeing you there, and we are very appreciative to be a part of that festival. If you want a special treat from this episode, we do have Grant getting fully into character as that young Pokemon playing ant or Pokemon playing ant. You can check that out over on our Patreon. I think we'll put it we'll put it up for free if you want to check that out. We appreciate everybody that is supporting us in any way that you can, whether that is Patreon, listening to an episode, or just telling a friend. And hey, we appreciate our cast as well. I've been Tyler Wood playing AIE. We have Grant Janick as our DM, Mark Brady as John Lick, Scottish now, John Mick Lick, who knows? And Shane Smith as Ranger, always in danger. We have Lisa Correo as the narrator, as well as Tim White, aka DD Sluggers, who helps us out with this intro and outro music every week that you are listening to at this very moment. Rate, subscribe, let us know what you do and don't like. We really appreciate it. Any feedback is good feedback. Any news is good news, and we really appreciate all of you for listening. Be on the lookout for our next episode release, and that is April 1st, April Fool's Day. Very appropriate for this podcast. And we will talk to you then. Goodbye. I was a bit sleeping. I've been at 5 a.m. drinking. Oh, I was 11. I was hoping you'd be 12.

SPEAKER_01 50:55

What do I have to be up for? What do I have to Yeah, but why but why are you? If you like also, like, why stay up that late? What's happening?

SPEAKER_04 51:03

I mean, when when you it doesn't matter what you're doing, stay up so that the Vietnamese kids on Fortnite can come home from school and he plays in their times. Yeah, really uh sharpening iron at that hour. Yeah.