Return to Chapter 3 Part 2: Fighting With Yourself

Our three adventurers solve puzzles and come face to face with their greatest enemies of all: themselves.

Starring

Tyler Wood as Ayahee

Grant Janik as The DM

Mark Brady as John Lick

Shane Smith as Ranger "Always In" Danger

with Lisa Corrao as The Narrator (@LisaCorrao)

Intro and outro music provided by Tim White @DDSluggers

Follow us on social media @ComedyNDice

Patreon.com/ComedyNDice

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:13

No, I'm I'm seriously asking. Anyway, if you get this message, please call me back. I'm lonely.

unknown 0:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Bye.

SPEAKER_03 0:32

Hello everyone and welcome to the next episode of Comedy and Dice. We're back. They didn't get us. We beat the allegations. We're back for another episode, and we're allegations. Yeah, people are alleging that we're not good, Shane, but hey, we're we're beating them. We we've been asked to come back and produce another episode for the network. And uh my name is Tyler Wood, and I play AIE. I am a barbarian era cochra most of the time, but I've been body swapped. I've been freaky Friday into a cute little uh little Scottish terrier. Uh the body of John Lick, but the mind of AIE. And uh to my left is Hi, my name is Grant Janik.

SPEAKER_02 1:13

I am your DM. DM, of course, stands for Demerror or uh Dungeon Master.

SPEAKER_10 1:20

Uh I am the world. I am so excited to get into this dungeon with you guys.

SPEAKER_03 1:26

Dun Dumgin. Dumgin.

SPEAKER_10 1:28

Dumgen Master.

SPEAKER_02 1:29

Yes, I'm the Dumgin Mirror Master. It's very, very exciting. And to my left, we also have I am Mark Brady.

SPEAKER_04 1:37

I play Ranger Danger that is outside of the mind of You're not playing Ranger Danger.

SPEAKER_09 1:44

You play John Lick.

SPEAKER_04 1:45

I play John Lick, and then my outer body is uh Ranger Danger.

SPEAKER_02 1:51

Yes. Yes. Um and he's just a half elf and creepy little freak. Oh man.

SPEAKER_10 2:00

My left is that creepy little freak.

SPEAKER_11 2:06

I haven't been called that since uh my mom was in there. What elegation do you tell me? No. Uh I'm Shane. Uh I play Ranger Danger, but I have also body swapped with uh an Eric Cocker that we all know and uh hang out with. I was gonna say love, but do we love anything with no actual butthole? No.

SPEAKER_03 2:28

Would you love me if I hosted trivia?

SPEAKER_11 2:29

Yes. Yes, I would. Only if you made enough money. But yeah, so uh I'll be uh attempting accents, and we all know I'm great at that. So here we go.

SPEAKER_03 2:43

And to my left, hey Grant, it's me again. Hey, I'm coming to you. Uh, do you have any advice for us for this this episode? Because we we had some trouble when when you embody these accents, they're very strong. Correct. You you have a hard time not becoming what that character is.

SPEAKER_08 3:00

But I'm I'm AI, I still have this personality, I just I I have a different body.

SPEAKER_02 3:05

Yes. I would say the advice that I would have is to think back to last time that you guys had entered into this dungeon, there was a lot of interpersonal feelings that you were able to discover. For instance, AI's parents came alive, and if we go back to last episode, it was revealed that the author does know that you are now searching for the plot holes. So this dungeon is new, meaning that there is probably gonna be some backstory or some creepy stuff in that dungeon. What's just like, hey guys, heads up, stories happening. No, there's so the advice that I would honestly give is lean into your backstory, lean into those choices, lean into those character movements because stay true to who you are, just live your truth.

SPEAKER_03 3:57

Okay. Well, I've changed as a person. I'm the one character I think that has progressed a little bit.

SPEAKER_11 4:02

Yeah, but that's because you're good at it. What? Like I'm playing myself, and I'm having gone anywhere in my life.

SPEAKER_09 4:09

You're Ranger Danger, you're who you could be.

SPEAKER_11 4:11

Yeah, but that's not how I play video games. All my characters and MMORPGs are fucking bald and short.

SPEAKER_10 4:18

You can have hair in between.

SPEAKER_11 4:20

I know, but I'm like, that's not me.

SPEAKER_02 4:22

What do you do when they don't have a bald option? There always is a bald option. Really? Yeah. It's the number one after hair. It is. It's like regular amount of hair, like that. It's a binary option. It's zero. They never have this one. No. They never have like it looks okay, but then like, uh oh.

SPEAKER_10 4:38

Oh, yeah. To paint a picture of what uh Tyler just did. He said they have regular hair and pointed to Mark, and then they said they have bald and pointed to Shane. And they said they never have this, and he pointed to himself.

SPEAKER_11 4:52

A lot of them have Vitiligo, but they don't have male pattern baldness, which I think is uh we need to work on that.

SPEAKER_08 4:57

No.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

This is the ugliest hair. You know, they do have your hairstyle. It's called hat. Oh, yes, flesh-colored hat. The last time that you guys were in the book, you had a couple of new characters appear as well. Most importantly, Rihanna Kieves, the owner of John Lick, has appeared. Uh, out of the blue, he gave you guys some pressing information saying, hey, the author, Edgar Allen Pooh, knows that you guys are searching for the plot holes. I bet. So things are going to start getting a lot more tough. A lot more tough. Harder, in fact. Yes. More difficult. A lot more tough. I those Fords.

SPEAKER_09 5:40

They've improved. They're they're built more tough. That was not easy, even.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

Built more tough. And when you came to the door of Eternal Flare, instead of seeing in the writing of purple Eternal Flare, it instead said, Come and get it, fuckers.

SPEAKER_03 6:00

Yes. And we know that he's the author.

SPEAKER_10 6:03

Yes. You know for like this story. I'm glad I could remind you.

SPEAKER_03 6:08

You're giggling about. He's just thinking about four trucks.

SPEAKER_10 6:12

That one really tickled it. You are red as a tomato right now. Just wait till he hears your bid on camera.

SPEAKER_04 6:25

Took me a long time to get over.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

Alright. So with that, I will also say that another piece of information you know is that the author is a character in every chapter.

SPEAKER_03 6:37

Ooh, good to know, good to know. I like this. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 6:40

So with that in mind, you are at the precipice of the piss a press of the cave that says, Come and get it, fuckers. You have the bookworm, you, Timmy, Rihanna Keeves, and the three of you at this door.

SPEAKER_03 7:00

And everyone is swapped voices, and it's gonna be a fucking pain in the ass.

SPEAKER_10 7:07

Rihanna Keeves is still Rihanna Keeves. He's fine.

SPEAKER_11 7:10

Do we need to address something that happened last time? Yep.

SPEAKER_02 7:17

Yes, that is another key. Did you want to say you're sorry? Yeah, but I can't take these back, can I? No. No, Shane, you can't take words back. This is an important thing.

SPEAKER_11 7:28

Yeah, if there's anything that Pearl Jam taught me, is uh once spoken, words can't be taken back. Nothing, man. Nothing, man. Here goes my daughter.

SPEAKER_04 7:37

My daughter. My better murder.

SPEAKER_11 7:41

That's a good Eddie Better impression.

SPEAKER_09 7:43

I got a bird in my jail store. Mark's Lawn one tonight.

SPEAKER_11 7:50

I like this. He's like, one time a month I get to take a gun. That was today.

SPEAKER_03 7:56

Hey, alright, get this. To start things off, I'm gonna I'm gonna go, you know what? I'm just not feeling myself. And I'm gonna use wild shape to shift into an aerokocra.

SPEAKER_10 8:06

Okay. You cannot shift into an arocokra. You could shift into a bird.

SPEAKER_03 8:12

I'm gonna be I wanna be a six-foot pigeon.

SPEAKER_10 8:16

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 8:17

Alright. Is there a conservation of mass? Ooh. Let's see. Let me make a roll. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 8:24

Okay. Alright. So I am a six-foot pigeon. Do I get to change my voice? Can we roll for it?

SPEAKER_02 8:29

Hmm.

SPEAKER_03 8:30

I don't like Scottish accents.

SPEAKER_13 8:34

Nope, you don't.

SPEAKER_03 8:36

Alright, I'm good.

SPEAKER_02 8:38

Uh bark. I mean, hey. Whoa, that's my word. Hey.

SPEAKER_11 8:43

Hey, you guys, you guys, listen, I feel real bad about what happened, okay? I said I wish you all would die. I said I don't feel so good about that. Can I say that? I feel like I took on a little bit of your personality when I got in your body. I just want to say I'm sorry. I feel bad about it. I don't want to I don't want to kill you guys. I know the wish has already been given, so it's gonna happen. I'm sorry I wished for his honor to be here.

SPEAKER_03 9:05

I feel like he's really weighing us down. I think we need to put the fuck. Well, I mean sorry, sorry, sorry, it's not a polite way to put that. I should say I'm I'm sorry that I put him in the uh in harm's way and uh that uh you know that's somebody that you hold near and dear. And uh we came to an understanding in the last episode, and I I feel like I uh I apologize.

SPEAKER_04 9:23

Yeah, well uh that's I'm sorry that uh you've we're stuck like this. Okay. I wish I wish a lot of wishes we could take back.

SPEAKER_03 9:32

Hey, shit shit in one hand, apologize in the other, see which one fills up faster. Let's get this fucking dungeon done.

SPEAKER_12 9:36

Yeah, I'm ready to go, guys. Alright, the bookworm is ready. Nope, that's Teddy.

SPEAKER_10 9:43

I'm here too.

SPEAKER_02 9:45

Grant's made himself four people. I know, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_10 9:48

Well, no, yeah, you just took all of them.

SPEAKER_12 9:52

We need to leave a few. Well, yeah, we think we should uh leave.

SPEAKER_03 9:54

Well, I'm here in the well already, so we need to keep this in mind for next time. It's take a penny, leave a penny, but we need to leave a lot more pennies than we're taking. Because Grant's got three voices spread across four characters.

SPEAKER_12 10:03

I mean, who do you want? It's either me, Tibby, or it's me, you, who's in the body of the worm.

SPEAKER_02 10:11

Or it is me, the worm, who is in the body of you, your son.

SPEAKER_07 10:16

Or it's me, it's it's Rihanna keeps. I I had to listen to the episodes multiple times to get all of them. There we go.

SPEAKER_04 10:25

That's impressive.

SPEAKER_07 10:26

Thank you, and I'm out of water, so this is gonna be tough.

SPEAKER_03 10:30

Alright, uh, let's go. Do I knock on the door?

SPEAKER_10 10:34

There is no door, it's just a cave.

SPEAKER_03 10:36

Wow, look at that.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

So as you walk into the cave, you feel a magical presence as you walk through, almost as if you're pushing through a floor.

SPEAKER_04 10:48

I was gonna say I want to detect magic, but never mind. I feel like you can.

SPEAKER_02 10:52

Well, I think it's there. You feel magic. You're able to detect without casting a spell that there's magic.

SPEAKER_03 11:00

Hell, I think even I can feel it. Yes. Uh wait, can you detect magic? Do you do you have spells? Shane?

SPEAKER_11 11:07

So do I I have his spells, right? Yes, yeah. You have what he can do.

SPEAKER_03 11:10

What are my you would have had what I can do. And I don't have detect magic. So you couldn't.

SPEAKER_10 11:15

No, he has what you have.

SPEAKER_03 11:16

Okay. Oh, I forgot.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

This is a awful for an audio podcast. Oh, absolutely. There's a lot of finger points going on. Yeah, yeah. Hold on, I'm looking at it. It's like the Spider-Man meme, just yeah. So as you walk through this magical force, you take a look around in the tunnel, and you realize that these are not the same puzzles or the same rooms that you were in before. You try to go back to remembering the room of fire, the room with AI's parents, the room with all the gemstones, none of that is here. Instead, I need all of you to make a wisdom saving throw, please.

SPEAKER_10 11:57

So what did everybody get?

SPEAKER_02 11:58

13, 16, 5. You, AI, who is in the body of John Lick, and you, Ranger, who is in the body of AI, start to feel this mental cloudiness envelop your mind, but you're able to shake it off to where you start to see dimming slowly approach your vision, but you're able to fight against it and push it back. Oh, like when you about to pass out and you're like, Yes, yeah, that's up. Every day when I stand up from the toilet, I'm afraid of the shower, and I was like, shouldn't have been on my phone for 30 minutes. You, John, who is in the body of Ranger, you feel this deep pulsing darkness, and your vision slowly starts to go black, and then you fight against it as much as you can, and you're pushing against it, but it you're completely blind for one moment, and you do one final push and you push against it, and it goes away. Whoa.

unknown 12:57

What happened?

SPEAKER_04 12:58

Did you guys feel that? I yeah, I almost uh I lost my vision. Oh yeah, it's like it was like darkness, and then I had to fight this and now I can see. But did you guys oh yeah?

SPEAKER_13 13:12

I know what I was feeling. Singing ahead.

SPEAKER_11 13:14

I can I can are you feeling now I can see. Yeah, I was feeling a little bit of that, but then I was like, oh maybe it's just long COVID. Yeah, oh yeah. The brain fog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:25

Fought it off.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

Yeah. Hey guys, over here. And you look to the center of the room. Uh, you see Timmy holding a piece of paper that wasn't there before. He's like, hey guys, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. Give me that. I snatch it away from him. I read it. What do I see? Yes. It reads In the morning, I am a waking giant. I stretch my arms and legs. By noon I am a frightened child. Beneath your feet, I beg. At dusk, I stretch out. It is a shadow.

SPEAKER_11 13:55

You guys, it's a shadow. This is one of those fucking easy ones. I got I I did that in uh fucking third grade. I heard that one. Yeah. A shadow? Where? Graham.

SPEAKER_03 14:03

Graham's making the most white guy smile.

SPEAKER_11 14:06

And again, I'm just saying this because I knew it would bother you. I don't think it was that easy, but uh no, I I think it was pretty easy.

SPEAKER_09 14:12

I'm not good at riddles. Oh, it's a shadow. I thought it was pretty hard.

SPEAKER_03 14:16

Oh, yeah. Did you Google it and did it come up on a web page? Yeah, but in your first three clicks?

SPEAKER_11 14:22

It was on page two. Let's try another one. Let's try another one. Okay. Easy. I mean, that was one of three. Yeah, yeah, that was easy. Like, come on.

SPEAKER_03 14:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 14:29

Like, what can I Are you doing another one?

SPEAKER_03 14:33

He's not click-clacking for nothing. Oh, are you panting again?

SPEAKER_11 14:38

So I feel like I was a little bit of an asshole then. Again, I feel like I'm taking on some of your personality traits. I don't mean to, it's just, you know, when you talk like this. What do you think? I'm an asshole. No, no, I'm not saying that. I just, you know, I don't I don't know why I'm saying these things. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03 14:51

How do you lick your ass in this body? Hey, uh, do that again. How do you lick your ass in this body? Fanting, the panting.

SPEAKER_08 14:59

Hey, low mama, let me whisper in you.

SPEAKER_06 15:02

What do you say?

SPEAKER_09 15:03

Hey, low mama let me whisper in you.

SPEAKER_02 15:06

I don't know the rest of the song. I don't even know that song.

SPEAKER_04 15:08

You don't know that song?

SPEAKER_02 15:09

Is it Harry Styles? No. Who is it? Yin Yang Twins. There you go. I didn't know. I just heard it. Okay. What did you say? Ying twins? Yeah, I don't listen to it. It's a rap duo. Yeah. Okay. No, when I worked in bars, it was like the only thing that would come on. Oh, you worked there forever ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 15:30

You say shadow and you feel the room start to shake, and then you flip over the paper and see that there is another riddle written on the back of it.

SPEAKER_11 15:41

Oh, geez, another one's probably gotta be just as easy that first piece of shit riddle. We must unlock the real one.

SPEAKER_02 15:46

Definitely. Okay. And it says often held but never touched. Penis. Penis.

SPEAKER_11 15:54

You ask more like a married penis. Just held. Like cubbed.

SPEAKER_03 16:00

It's okay, baby. I got it. Yeah, don't stroke it. I'll come. Quick, Shane, think about your jokes.

SPEAKER_11 16:08

I didn't think that you had this in the pod. Take this out. Please delete this. And I was like, oh, the best way to not. And we got a good laugh about that, and it didn't come. Anyway.

SPEAKER_09 16:26

Can I leave the reference that I had in? Yes. And then just like bleep out what you said?

SPEAKER_02 16:31

Yes. Okay, alright, perfect. Often held, but never touched. Always wet, but never rusts. Often bites, but seldom bit. To use me well, you must have wit. It's a brain. Often, often held. Never stroked. What was it again? Often held, but never touched. Holding the thing. Sounds like a memory. Always wet. Oh. A wet memory.

SPEAKER_06 17:08

Dream dream.

SPEAKER_02 17:09

Brain's always wet. It's gotta be wet to use it.

SPEAKER_11 17:13

Uh never rust, though, never rust. It's got it's gotta be a metal thing, right? Never rusts.

SPEAKER_03 17:20

I go over to the body of my child and I punch it in the face. What's the answer? Excuse me.

SPEAKER_11 17:28

Oh, oh. Hey, don't copy my voice. You making fun of me?

SPEAKER_12 17:31

What's the answer? Uh I don't. No. I'm just here.

SPEAKER_02 17:37

Wait, hold on. Uh fuck. I don't know. I'm just here. I don't thank you.

SPEAKER_10 17:45

I don't know. I'm just here with you guys.

unknown 17:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 17:48

Alright. Say it again. What is it? Often held but never touched. Always wet but never rusts. Often bites, but seldom bit. To use me well, you must have wit. Pen? Pencil? Oh, is it ink? Is it ink in a pen? Ooh.

SPEAKER_11 18:08

Is it a dip your quill in there? Often wet but never rusts. Oh, is that is the it's the pen dip. It's a quill. Is it a newspaper? I like brain. Oh, newspaper's good? That's good.

SPEAKER_04 18:20

What's never touched and always wet. A fish. Yeah. No one's grabbing them.

SPEAKER_11 18:26

Yeah, you know, we really made fun of that first one. Now we're like, this is hard.

SPEAKER_02 18:29

Yeah, we really, really tripped over our own uh our own brains here. I think we get this. We can get it.

SPEAKER_03 18:35

I think we can too. Um this is gonna make for a riveting podcast.

SPEAKER_02 18:37

Oh, I know. I want to see how much of this you're gonna cut immediately. Wow, they got solved in pretty quick. All right, say it again. Timmy peeks uh speaks up and goes, Hey, I just want to point out that like you guys have been saying a lot of answers, and this is the only thing in the room, so it sounds like you got as many guesses as you want.

SPEAKER_03 18:54

Yeah, that was not helpful. Uh I figured, you know, we we guessed five times and didn't die.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

Well, we know what it's not. Do we just uh I see why someone threw you down here? Hey. Do we just say it? Is that how we sum it?

SPEAKER_04 19:07

Just answer it. Yeah, yeah. You got it? You know what it is.

SPEAKER_07 19:10

I mean, that's what happened with Shadow.

SPEAKER_04 19:12

So let's just go through every word we know. Yes, yeah, we'll start with ideas. Let's start with uh that's good in alphabetical order.

SPEAKER_11 19:22

No, I think we should go Z's backwards. Z backwards. Okay. Zebra. Okay, bony. Uh oh, we're doing multiple Z's? Yeah, if you yeah, we'd go through every word. I thought we just do one. Oh, I was just doing one per letter. Oh, listen, that's I like that. And then we'll just circle back. That'll definitely get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 19:41

Often is a real tongue twister. Alright, say it again. Last time, swear to God. Often held, but never touched, always wet, but never rusts, often bites, but seldom bit. To use me well, you must have wit. I will say one of you unintentionally has said the answer.

SPEAKER_04 20:09

Shouldn't the thing shake?

SPEAKER_02 20:12

It was one of you riffing, so let's let's start the chapter over and riff again. I want to go back and listen to stuff. Shane said it. Ooh, what did I say? Come. Come. And it's not in the part that you beeped. I wish I listened when Shane spoke.

SPEAKER_03 20:36

I'm used to it. It's fine. Shane, what did you say? Uh let's see. Shane doesn't listen either. I don't. You're just a joke machine.

SPEAKER_11 20:47

But she's what good are you? Yeah, what good am I? What good am I? Let's see. Sounds a real tongue twister.

SPEAKER_08 20:57

Mm-hmm. Tongue.

SPEAKER_02 20:59

Tongue. Tongue's wet. Tongue. Tongue. You say tongue and you fe you see the world start to shake and slowly. We unlock the third one.

SPEAKER_10 21:11

You flip over to the third side. It's like a USB. The door slowly starts to rise out of the stone wall. You can enter into the next room.

SPEAKER_11 21:20

And here, let's go. Nice D. Now you start saying stuff more often. Yeah. Speak up.

SPEAKER_03 21:26

You good at using your tongue?

SPEAKER_11 21:28

Oh man, am I? Well, you think uh I've been in a lot of danger. Got a lot of tests. I visited a clinic uh on campus quite a bit. If you know I'm saying, danger is my middle name. No, it's always in.

SPEAKER_06 21:42

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

Danger's your last name.

SPEAKER_11 21:47

It's actually my last name.

SPEAKER_02 21:49

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_09 21:50

Is that Ranger, Danger, Danger?

SPEAKER_11 21:53

They go, is that double D's?

SPEAKER_04 21:56

Uh just uh as John wants to note. Kind of uh what what uh diseases you picked up, so I sniff his crotch as as him.

SPEAKER_02 22:06

Is that a wisdom roll? Yeah, main STD investigation. One, two.

SPEAKER_11 22:12

Also, just so you know, this is where I do separate my character from my performance. I mean from my actual life. All right.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

Uh never once visited. You're gonna have one. Uh just so people have the visual that's irresponsible to not visit Shane.

SPEAKER_09 22:25

It is to have an STD and not visit Shane. You're right, you're right.

SPEAKER_10 22:29

I'm gonna roll a D6 and I looked up like the top six most common STDs. We're just gonna see which one it lands in.

SPEAKER_11 22:35

All I know is Sun Drop and Hot Pockets made it go away. Oh man, you got HIV. Okay, nice. I mean, there's the pills for that now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:45

Can you make him not have AIDS, please? Grant's like, what's the problem? All right, fine. Let's make it something fun. Yeah. Okay, well let's see. Whatever it is. Whatever RF just.

SPEAKER_08 22:58

Oh my god, you fucked the brain worms in the minute. Did somebody say brainworm?

SPEAKER_02 23:05

Uh uh it's HPV. Nice. Oh, everyone has that. Everyone's got everybody's gas. Most sexually adult. Yep. Yep, you can cut that too. The most sexually adult, do it, no it, do it.

SPEAKER_04 23:19

It was a man sniffing a bird's crotch. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

And in a in a man's body. So you can't tell what it is because you don't have the olefactory senses for it.

SPEAKER_10 23:30

It's avian flu.

SPEAKER_04 23:34

You trying to kiss me down there? You're trying to kill me? I have not me.

SPEAKER_02 23:38

This sucks. Bark. So as you guys walk into the next room, AI in the body of John Lick. John Lick. Body of Christ. And Ranger in the body of AI, see an empty room. Just a normal empty room.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

Nothing in here. Nothing in here.

SPEAKER_02 23:57

John in the body of Ranger. You walk in and see at the very tail end of the room ten men standing side by side holding a brown box. And they each have hats that are brown and they have gold lettering on them. And on top of the box is a clipboard, and all at once they say at the same time, Hey, I have a package for John.

SPEAKER_10 24:33

Can anyone sign? Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.

SPEAKER_03 24:37

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's wrong here? I use my wing to like pat him pat him down. What's wrong?

SPEAKER_02 24:42

Delivery people. I don't trust them. What the fuck are you talking about?

SPEAKER_03 24:46

What are you talking about? I don't think.

SPEAKER_02 24:48

Wait, you have a wing?

SPEAKER_03 24:49

Yeah, I have a pigeon.

SPEAKER_06 24:51

Oh yeah. Sorry. Sorry.

SPEAKER_11 24:54

My bad.

SPEAKER_09 24:54

Okay, go ahead. You just want to be the only one?

SPEAKER_10 24:57

You use Wild Shape the same way that you did it? Shut the f you want to name the kid that you use Wild Shape the same way Mark does, which is you'll shift into an animal and then just not do anything.

SPEAKER_00 25:16

What's wrong?

SPEAKER_04 25:19

They're like delivery people. I don't I don't trust people who don't.

SPEAKER_03 25:22

Do you see anything?

SPEAKER_04 25:23

Who have no see that? At the tail end of the room? Are you screwing with us, man?

SPEAKER_08 25:31

What you doing, man?

SPEAKER_03 25:34

Tony Mantine.

SPEAKER_11 25:35

Dang, Tony. Dang. Uh use guys. I don't see nothens. You don't you you guys don't see that. Is it over there? Yeah, yeah, the tail end of the room. Quit saying that.

SPEAKER_09 25:47

I don't like how you're describing it.

SPEAKER_04 25:48

I don't know where the tail end is.

SPEAKER_09 25:50

It's the back of the room, I'm assuming. I listen when you speak.

SPEAKER_02 25:54

Also, I'm really interested to figure out where my accent's from now. Um is it over there? And I it's a bunch of delivery people. It's my biggest fear. What are they saying?

SPEAKER_03 26:03

I start walking towards them. Am I going in the right direction?

SPEAKER_04 26:06

Uh yes. Yes. Yeah, go and they're up. They're up too. What? They're they're that way and up, right? But they're floating? No, they're on they're on a ledge, right? Oh, the ledge. Do I see the ledge? It's like the two stories? I'm making that up. You're making that up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:21

They're just at the tail end of the room, but they are there's ten of them. Tail end.

SPEAKER_10 26:25

At the very end of the room. So it's like a circle. You guys walked in. So you Oh, the tail end of the circle. I'm a fucking idiot. You guys are at six o'clock. They are at 12 o'clock. Yeah, I'm on 12 o'clock.

SPEAKER_03 26:37

The tail they're at the opposite tail end. Yes. Of the room. And uh I go over and I go, they're here.

SPEAKER_10 26:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:44

And I start swinging.

SPEAKER_02 26:46

As you swing, you feel nothing. It just feels like you're swinging at air.

SPEAKER_03 26:49

Swinging my I should clarify, swinging my wing in a punching motion. Yes. Yeah, I'm not like swinging.

SPEAKER_02 26:56

Upside down pineapple. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_10 26:59

I'm not swinging. Can anyone sign for this package? So you are throwing punches in the air and you're just feeling air.

SPEAKER_02 27:10

Where you, John, you are seeing him just throw his fists through these people like they're ghosts, like they're apparitions. But they are just still staring at you in in unison, saying, Can anyone sign? Can anyone sign? I start trying to sign language. I flip them off.

SPEAKER_12 27:31

I realize.

SPEAKER_02 27:36

Is this a cricket noise you put in here?

SPEAKER_04 27:40

Um get out of the way. I say, get out of get out of the way. And then I uh use my mage hand. I put no, I produce uh flame. That's what I do.

SPEAKER_03 27:51

I want to give you a heads up on produce flame. It is not actually like fire that sets things on fire. It's more of like a light.

SPEAKER_02 27:57

Yeah. Am I right on that? That is correct. It does not produce any heat, but what if you has control flame? I have arrows. I got a longbow. Okay. I I take out a long bow and I and I shoot it that way. Okay.

SPEAKER_10 28:10

Roll an attack roll with the longbow.

SPEAKER_02 28:15

Uh 11 plus three, fourteen. Okay, fourteen. So you are aiming for, I'm assuming just like one of them in the middle. As you go and shoot this arrow, it goes tink like right in the chest of one of them in the middle. And it you hear a loud tink as it hits the back wall. You just see an arrow sticking out of the wall.

SPEAKER_03 28:40

What the fuck are you doing? I know what this is.

SPEAKER_02 28:42

And they still keep saying, Can I can I have can I have anyone signal sign? I I I cover my ears and I uh go, oh as a man, obviously.

SPEAKER_04 28:55

And I run all the way to out.

SPEAKER_02 28:57

I run out. Are we gonna run out? Uh you can run into the previous room. Previous room. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 29:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

And I go, uh uh huddle up.

SPEAKER_04 29:06

Okay. What are we doing? What are we doing? I think I know what this is. Okay, what is it? What is it? Uh that is my biggest fear.

SPEAKER_11 29:13

What's that?

SPEAKER_04 29:13

We don't know what we're talking about. What is it? Uh what I'm seeing is a bunch of delivery.

SPEAKER_11 29:17

Are they coming out? Like you got weapons? What is the problem?

SPEAKER_04 29:20

No, no, they're just asking to sign. Well, sign it. No. No. No? No. I shot I shot at one and I went right through them. In this room, I guarantee you, it's gonna be like all our biggest fears.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Well, I mean it's just it just seems to be yours.

SPEAKER_04 29:37

It's true.

SPEAKER_02 29:37

I mean, the music is yours.

SPEAKER_04 29:39

So I'll just stay out and you guys go. You stay here forever. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:42

And we'll continue through. Finish the story.

SPEAKER_11 29:46

Yeah, you guys go in there and uh I gotta stay out here. Uh uh okay, we'll try it. I don't I don't uh I don't see how that's gonna do anything. We were in there with you like a second ago, and they were you're saying they were still there. Yeah, I'm not going in there. Alright. You actually have spells, Tyler. You have cantrips.

SPEAKER_02 30:02

Yeah, it pisses Grant off. Can I I'm gonna ask you a question. Yeah. Uh off my well for you to do what you asked me to do, you will need to make wisdom.

SPEAKER_10 30:24

A sleight of hmm. I'm gonna say sleight of hand. This is a sleight of hand.

SPEAKER_02 30:28

Okay, sleight of hand. Alright, that is a uh 12 plus three is fifteen. Alright. Fifteen. 12 plus 3 is 15. You have successfully done what you wanted to do. I did it in the other room. I did it in the scary room. The scary room. Okay, so you walked away. And then I come back into the room and just and I am wearing a uh an outfit made of leather, which I found in my inventory.

SPEAKER_07 30:56

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 30:56

And I have short brown shorts on, a short collared shirt.

SPEAKER_03 31:01

Or not it's not short, it's actually covering everything. Uh, but it is a short sleeve collared shirt and a uh brown hat with some uh lettering on it, and then out of the the plenty of leather that I have left, I have like a little box. And I go, can anybody sign for the also? I'm a pigeon.

SPEAKER_02 31:17

I run at him and I bite him.

SPEAKER_09 31:19

Oh my god! Oh my fucking Christ! Fucking Christ was going on here.

SPEAKER_10 31:24

Oh that's just a human uh biting biting this pigeon who is dressed as a delivery person.

SPEAKER_09 31:31

I'm a delivery pigeon. I'm a messenger pigeon.

SPEAKER_11 31:37

Oh my god, help me! What is going on? Hey, hey, hey! Fucking biting me! Okay, I go and I try to pull him off. I pull him off the bird.

SPEAKER_02 31:43

Sure, it's gonna have to be opposing strength checks. So both of you are gonna have to make an opposing strength check. Stop it. Drop drop it. I'm just hanging on. Actually, he's just a dude biting me, so it doesn't matter. Yeah, it is just a guy.

SPEAKER_11 31:58

Also, what's your strength?

SPEAKER_02 31:59

What's what's my strength? No, um Mark's 15 plus.

SPEAKER_11 32:02

15 plus two, I'm 16 plus three.

SPEAKER_02 32:04

Okay, so Shane, you are able to pull John off successfully. I can a wank a yank you right off him.

SPEAKER_03 32:13

Alright, this didn't go how I thought it was gonna go. Is he still like fighting against?

SPEAKER_04 32:17

Yeah, I'm still like going trying to get after you and bite you. You gotta chill, man. Chill out. I forgot I'm a person, but I'm still trying to bite you.

SPEAKER_03 32:25

But I didn't I didn't expect this to be how he'd deal with his feelings.

SPEAKER_04 32:28

What'd you think what'd you think? What what'd you think I was gonna do? You come out here and you're you you dress up as my biggest fear. You want me to get in a clown suit and touch you?

SPEAKER_11 32:38

That's like immersion therapy. I think he was honest. I think he was honest. I think it was a great idea. Hold on, he's offering me sexual favors. Sorry, what'd you say? I missed it. I was praising you. That's another kink.

SPEAKER_03 32:50

He said, What do you want me to dress up like a clown and touch you? Oh. Some people hear that.

SPEAKER_04 32:55

What's your biggest biggest fear? So I can do it.

SPEAKER_03 32:58

I'll dress up however you want me to do it. I don't need to share that with you.

SPEAKER_04 33:02

Okay, alright. I don't think that would do any good. Take it off. And then you're that's the only time you'll hear me say that.

SPEAKER_02 33:09

All right, I disrub out of my leather. Does that make you happy? Yes. I don't like I've never seen a delivery guy dressed in leather.

SPEAKER_03 33:17

Well, you seem to understand what it was because you bit me right away. It was close enough. You're right. Okay. Would it make you feel better if I shared my biggest fear?

SPEAKER_04 33:26

Yeah, I mean, I guess now I feel alienated. You guys know mine.

SPEAKER_03 33:28

Well, I mean, are you gonna quit being a bitch and actually go through with the thing that we need you to go through with? Probably not. And I don't know if if that is good.

SPEAKER_04 33:34

You're gonna have to carry me. Is that the only way through? I think it's the only way you're gonna get me in there. Oh, you know what? I'll go in, but I'm I'm gonna be behind you.

SPEAKER_02 33:45

Did our If I was a dog, I would feel a lot more confident, but look at the fucking body I'm in.

SPEAKER_03 33:50

Hey, D, can I can I bring you back into the game for a second? I see that you were looking at uh posters online, but um I was just looking at it's an off-pot thing. I look at the the two little uh guys that we have with us, uh my son and the the bookworm. Yeah. And I go, do you do you two have fears that you saw in that room?

SPEAKER_12 34:10

No.

SPEAKER_03 34:11

No. Did you feel any of that darkness creep upon you?

SPEAKER_07 34:15

No. Um I'll be honest, I I I did.

SPEAKER_03 34:20

Oh, you did?

SPEAKER_07 34:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:21

What did you feel? What did you see?

SPEAKER_07 34:23

It was like some cre well, I didn't see anything in the room, but when we first stepped in, I felt like a creeping darkness, and then I kind of had to push against it, so yeah. How's your day going? I don't think stand him.

SPEAKER_03 34:38

Well, how do you you're you're his owner. Why don't you deal with him?

SPEAKER_07 34:41

Oh, hey, Bertie. Hey, hey, hey. Remember when we platonically shared that one kiss?

SPEAKER_03 34:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 34:48

Well, what if you just platonically go and face your fear?

SPEAKER_03 34:53

I just want to take a second to uh say that I've submitted our podcast to the Webbies for outstanding writing. I hope so.

SPEAKER_02 34:59

Yeah, for outstanding character work on the part of Grant.

SPEAKER_04 35:03

That's awesome. Did you really? That's great.

SPEAKER_09 35:06

Save that 20 bucks. Show it up my ass as a better use of it.

SPEAKER_04 35:13

So, Dad, you're telling me I should go in there and kiss all these guys.

SPEAKER_07 35:20

I mean, I I wouldn't go that far. But finish your fear.

SPEAKER_04 35:25

Like touch them?

SPEAKER_07 35:26

I mean, like, well, only you can see them. What are they what are they asking?

SPEAKER_04 35:30

They're asking to like sign me to sign a package and I've never used I've never had to sign for anything.

SPEAKER_11 35:35

Wait, is that your biggest fear? You have never signed for anything?

SPEAKER_09 35:39

Can you not write?

SPEAKER_11 35:40

Is that what it is? Are you deliterate? I can write, it's just backwards. Oh, it's different. Deliteracy.

SPEAKER_07 35:45

Oh, to just hold the hold the paper upside down.

SPEAKER_11 35:49

Oh, it's actually Oh my god, we're all idiots in this place.

SPEAKER_04 35:52

Um yeah, they just they keep asking, and like, you know, you know, you don't know what's in the package, and I think that's what really Schrödinger's cat thing. Yeah. So they're telling me I should just go in there and sign for it. I mean, I I believe in Styler's repeating my bad joke with his hands.

SPEAKER_09 36:14

Yeah, I flipped them off.

SPEAKER_07 36:16

I think you need to face your fears. Son dog man.

SPEAKER_11 36:21

You got this, man. You're a dog. Yeah. You're like a big dog, you're a big scary dog. You're scared of scared of a bunch of just pasty dudes in brown shorts.

SPEAKER_03 36:31

What you don't know is they're more afraid of you.

SPEAKER_07 36:33

You know what? You may be a man, but look at me. Look at me in the eyes. You got that dog in you.

SPEAKER_03 36:43

You're right, Dad. And I just got the acceptance email. We got the award.

SPEAKER_11 36:48

Actually, can you edit out my laughter on that?

SPEAKER_04 36:54

All right. Um I just I am not confident because look at this body I'm in. It's just like a little bit of a little bit of a man. What are you talking about? Why are you you're a solid five foot four. Six. I just know that I'll get my ass kicked looking like this.

SPEAKER_07 37:11

Think about it. They were the one in cargo shorts.

SPEAKER_04 37:15

But there's so many of them, and they're all working for the same company, so it's like they all came with different There are 45-year-old men that are wearing brown pants and brown socks, brown shorts.

SPEAKER_00 37:29

They have to do that every day. Do you know that they've given up the will to live long ago?

SPEAKER_11 37:34

Can I give you a little bit of advice? I live in that body a long time. Five's six, not five, four, five, six, okay. Listen, it's there's one is like technically uh a short person. I'm above that. Not that I'm above them, but I'm taller. My point is I'm a regular size man. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 37:59

Advice is you shut your fucking mouth. Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_11 38:02

The advice is sure, people look at you and they're like, oh, like that's a tiny little man. What's he gonna do to me? You know what you can do? Act crazy. Because the crazier you act, you're like, oh, this motherfucker's crazy. Yeah. And then you act crazier, you're like, oh no, this motherfucker's crazier.

SPEAKER_03 38:19

They're like, oh, I thought I was crazy. Yeah. No.

SPEAKER_11 38:22

No, it's like those four trucks. You thought they were tougher, more tougher. You're more you're more tougher. More tougher than all of them guys.

SPEAKER_04 38:31

Yeah, yeah, I'm more tougher.

SPEAKER_11 38:32

Yeah, that's more tougher. Yeah, like no one, like you see me, I just act crazy all the time.

SPEAKER_03 38:37

Yeah, you so you're so tough, I'm gonna call you tougher, Grace. Tougher, tougher, tougher, tougher. There you go. Sorry. No, all right, be that, be you, yeah. Be who you are deep down.

SPEAKER_12 38:47

Yeah, I don't know you very well, but you can do this. Thank you. All right.

SPEAKER_03 38:51

Oh, you're ruining it. We had him up, but he's getting a little soft now. I get that. Oh, sorry, I'll go in the other room.

SPEAKER_04 38:59

I got I go in there and I uh how many of them are there?

SPEAKER_02 39:03

There's ten of them? There's ten. There's ten. They all shift forward and look at you and go, hey, can you sign?

SPEAKER_04 39:10

And I go, Yeah. Yeah, I'll fucking sign your fucking package. I'll fucking sign your fucking package right now.

SPEAKER_09 39:18

You want me to do it? I'll put a pen in my mouth!

SPEAKER_10 39:26

They all shuffle concerned towards you, and they each like the middle one holds out his clipboard, shaking his hand.

SPEAKER_04 39:36

He's like, take it with my put the pen in my mouth and sign it with my mouth.

SPEAKER_02 39:40

A man signing his signature with his mouth. And I do I have to do all 10 of them? No, there's just one. Okay. I sign it and I throw it back and I spit the pen in his mouth.

SPEAKER_00 39:50

Oh, you see him do that? Do you see him in that? Oh, what a champ. He's I don't know if I could have done that.

SPEAKER_06 39:55

Get the fuck out of here! Fucking all your asses!

SPEAKER_02 39:57

Okay, okay. And you see them all wisp away. And at the tail end of the room at 12 o'clock, the door opens up and it slides again to reveal another room.

SPEAKER_06 40:10

How many tails is this room?

SPEAKER_03 40:13

I want to give a shout-out to our audience because this is a theater of the mind thing, and I know it's just getting more tougher and more tougher for them to picture things as Grant describes them.

SPEAKER_09 40:23

A lot of my rooms are circled. I know, there's no tail end of a fucking circle. Yes. That would that would be a hell of a uh a riddle. It's like shape has a tail end to it.

SPEAKER_10 40:34

Ever heard of an uppercase cue? No.

SPEAKER_03 40:39

Okay, we go into the the final room and I give them I give him a little high five.

SPEAKER_11 40:43

Yeah, really good job in there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_12 40:47

Oh.

SPEAKER_03 40:47

It's alright, we're good.

SPEAKER_02 40:49

As you as you enter into the final room.

SPEAKER_04 40:55

Thank God they weren't FedEx.

SPEAKER_03 40:58

Oh, if they were FedEx, it wouldn't have been here until tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02 41:01

As you enter into the final room, you see Eternal Flair standing there in the middle of the room, just watching you guys.

SPEAKER_13 41:09

Hello. You got you got something for me to sign too? Um, the lamp. If you brought the lamp. Right. I forgot who you were.

SPEAKER_03 41:17

Oh, actually, we need you to sign for something. You see, there's a whole case of whoopass that we've got with us. He Attack!

SPEAKER_02 41:30

He snaps. I use acid splash. As you go to use acid splash. Roll roll to attack. Roll.

SPEAKER_03 41:36

Roll to attack. Is this the same thing that you always make me do, or you make me roll, and then you're like, yeah, you get sorry, I thought it was a grand spot for a second.

SPEAKER_02 41:52

I was uh uh oh the hit DC for that is you have to beat a dexterity of nine. So I rolled for nothing. Okay. What do you go, DM? Okay. He as you go to use acid splash, you cast acid splash, it leaves your fingers. He holds up his hand, and it gets absorbed into his hand. Okay. You see eternal flare as the acid gets absorbed into his hand, his body starts to morph to the shape of Edgar Allan Pooh.

SPEAKER_03 42:27

Good.

SPEAKER_13 42:28

He goes, Well, this surely has not gone the way that I want it to go.

SPEAKER_03 42:35

No matter what you do, you'll never get your heart back.

SPEAKER_13 42:38

You need to play by the what were you quoting? Telltale heart?

SPEAKER_03 42:44

That was a hell of a swing where I'm like, if Grant wrote something where he has his heart like somewhere else, it was just a wild swing. Apparently he has his heart in his body. Yeah, I know what you're saying. That wouldn't have been crazy though if you wrote that and I couldn't.

SPEAKER_07 42:55

I mean, that would have been like really keys here.

SPEAKER_13 43:01

Would have been really crazy.

SPEAKER_03 43:08

Mark Rose.

SPEAKER_11 43:12

Jeez, hold together, bud. We're doing a professional podcast. Yeah, we just submitted this for a while. My bad. Yeah. The tougherist award to get.

SPEAKER_13 43:26

I have been trying to get you all to play by the rules, and you keep messing it up. Just play along. That's all you need to do.

SPEAKER_04 43:41

Okay, but sorry, Dad.

SPEAKER_07 43:44

It's okay. I mean this is hang around with the Pro Target, but hey, if you want to apologize for being a major war spec there, that's fine.

SPEAKER_13 43:53

I think there's only one thing that will teach you to play in I don't need you. What do you need? What do you need? Oh. We like imitating, don't we? We do. Look at me. Would you fuck me? I oh, this is so fun tittering with friends. Let's get more.

SPEAKER_02 44:27

Let's start boobering. He snaps.

SPEAKER_04 44:32

I feel like that and Grant as the person as the DM are very close together.

SPEAKER_12 44:38

You're just putting this together, Kevin.

SPEAKER_06 44:40

This is a self-instart.

SPEAKER_10 44:43

He's a lazy rider.

SPEAKER_06 44:44

What are you?

SPEAKER_02 44:46

He snaps, and three corpses appear, and they start to materialize, and you see. They appear and materialize, fellas. Holy fuck.

SPEAKER_09 44:57

I'm describing. They're really here. They appear. And also, these guys are gonna be tougher as fuck.

SPEAKER_11 45:09

I mean, it is different than a ghost. The ghost just appears, but it does not materialize. Oh, that's true.

SPEAKER_02 45:14

That's true.

SPEAKER_11 45:15

Remember that.

SPEAKER_02 45:16

You know what, Grant? Haunted Mansion. I apologize. I won't even roll for mine, I apologize. They start to appear and materialize in front of you. You see first skeletal figures and then muscle tendons grow around them and then skin on top of it and then clothes on top of it. You look around you and you realize that it is only you three left in the room. You cannot see Rihanna Keeves, you cannot see Timmy, you cannot see you, you cannot see the bookworm. You can only see each other. And standing in front of you is yourselves. I need everyone to roll initiative. And we can see them. Can I keep that silly one that I just no, I got 22.

SPEAKER_11 46:02

22.

SPEAKER_02 46:03

Ooh, 20.

SPEAKER_11 46:05

18.

SPEAKER_02 46:06

So 22, 18, 20. Did you roll a natural 20? Yeah, 19 plus three. Okay. 22 is gonna go first. Standing directly in front of you is the one that looks like Ranger Danger.

SPEAKER_11 46:20

You guys standing in front of myself. What are you gonna do?

SPEAKER_03 46:23

Considering that you rolled initiative, you might want to kick his ass. Kiss him.

SPEAKER_11 46:26

Oh. No, but what you think? Oh, yeah, I guess we're in a battle. Uh I I want to throw a poison spray. Ooh.

SPEAKER_04 46:35

At yourself. How do you know which one's you? Oh man. Because I look like a bird. Wait, is it his body? Or is it my body?

SPEAKER_02 46:42

No, it is hit. He is in. What are you asking? I'm in a bird. What does he see? What I'm seeing is my body. Ranger danger, but is he seeing he's seeing ranger danger? His body. Okay. His body. But how do you know it's not me? But he sees me. You're standing next to you. Oh, I'm next to you. Yeah. That makes sense. Because I haven't been putting me around. You got everybody in front of you are the people you normally are.

SPEAKER_03 47:04

Okay. Oh. So you see a dog. I see a bird. He sees a handsome man of six foot one.

SPEAKER_02 47:10

For simplicity's sake, and I think this is going to help visualize as well. Yeah. And material. You with the different classes you have are fighting yourselves.

SPEAKER_12 47:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:19

Oh. So you're fighting your different class. Oh, neat. Neato. Oh boy.

SPEAKER_04 47:29

So we're fighting ourselves as the other person. So we should know our weaknesses.

SPEAKER_03 47:34

Yes. So you should do something.

SPEAKER_04 47:36

I wonder who's going to be more tougher.

SPEAKER_02 47:37

Well, I did say throw poison spray. Oh yeah. So what happens? Uh roll to hit.

SPEAKER_11 47:43

Two plus four.

SPEAKER_02 47:44

Six. Oh, I don't think.

SPEAKER_11 47:46

Jesus in each.

SPEAKER_03 47:47

I don't think you did too well.

SPEAKER_11 47:48

Yeah, I forgot. I don't have a real weakness.

SPEAKER_02 47:51

I did. Alright. So you go even shorter. To cast poison spray and it like falls short. Just lands and misses. You now have a movement and a bonus action.

unknown 48:02

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_11 48:04

Well, I fucked up y'all. I can't really kind of screwed that one up. Good luck with your peoples. Uh it is now your turn, Mark.

SPEAKER_04 48:12

What do you have? What do you do? Oh, I can I'll help you. Yeah. That's a great idea. Oh, dude, why don't we fight each other's mirrors?

SPEAKER_11 48:22

Each other's mirrors? No, but we can talk to each other. Why can't you just ask what his weakness is? And vice versa. You know what I'm saying? Like, who are you fighting?

SPEAKER_04 48:33

Yeah. You're fighting a dog. I'm fighting a dog, but I know my weakness. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_11 48:40

But yo, pretend you're a delivery guy. Do you he's not had the realization you had earlier. He doesn't have the the wherewithal prowess.

SPEAKER_03 48:50

These things is even sentient.

SPEAKER_11 48:52

Oh yeah, we hey, ask him.

SPEAKER_04 48:54

Are you gonna materialize more into a sentient thing? Okay. Maybe. Oh, whoa, hey. Alright. Um I I attack with my fucking.

SPEAKER_02 49:09

You got a bow, we know it. A bow.

SPEAKER_04 49:11

I'm gonna do a bow again.

SPEAKER_02 49:14

Roll to hit 14. And then do I hit do plus something? Uh uh plus to hit. Oh, uh, so plus three. 14. Uh that does hit. Roll damage. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 49:29

Oh, good shot. Ooh, one. I got him right in the toe. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:36

Okay. With a one, it hits in the center of him, and he's like, oh, ow.

SPEAKER_04 49:45

Is that all you want to do? Uh and I say, take that. Oh, you gotta hit him again. You gotta double double up. Uh-uh. Yeah, double up.

SPEAKER_02 49:54

Uh what else can I do? Do you have a move? You have a movement and a bonus action.

SPEAKER_03 49:58

Um be like you pick up something or something like inconsequential. It's not like any combat stuff.

SPEAKER_11 50:04

And movement, you can't.

SPEAKER_02 50:05

It's just yeah, movement so you get 30 feet. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You can do hunter's mark also as a bonus action or produce flame.

SPEAKER_11 50:13

I thought you had something to where you could hit something again. I thought do you have a Ooh, there you go. Shane's been reading the character she. There you go.

SPEAKER_02 50:20

I thought I did. There's a hunter's marker prepare. Once during each turns action. You can cast that, but also he's talking about once during each of your turns, you can cause the swarm to assist you in one of the following ways immediately after you hit a creature with an attack. The attacks target takes one d6 piercing damage from the swarm. The attacks target must succeed on a strength saving throw or be prone, or you are moved by the swarm. Alright, well, I do that. Nice. Are you doing the damage pun? Yeah. Alright, go ahead and roll one d6 damage. That's a d20. Dude, I know. You won't do it so bad.

SPEAKER_04 50:55

Is it D uh, what is this an eight?

SPEAKER_02 50:57

D6. You're looking for D6. You're looking for the one that comes in Monopoly.

SPEAKER_03 51:01

Oh, a regular.

SPEAKER_04 51:02

A rag.

SPEAKER_02 51:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 51:04

Oh, I didn't. I did I do mine wrong for poison? No, no, this is just a Diffie.

SPEAKER_02 51:09

Four. Four. Okay. With a four, you have these insects swarm out of your body, and they end up swarming inside John, and he's like, Don't hit me, as they sting him over and over again. And it does enough damage to where it stings, it goes, and he poofs. And left on him where he was once standing is a little vial with John's face on it.

SPEAKER_04 51:41

I lean over to Ranger Danger and I'm like, hey man, that's that's pretty cool. I actually like being you. Wow. I do too, so let's figure out how to give me that. Nah, I don't want to trade these. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 51:53

Alright. It is now going to be the fake AI's turn. So he is gonna turn to you, AI. No, he turned to you. You said it. Fuck. Uh he is going to turn to AI, who is currently John Lick. And he is going to use his bonus action to go into rage. So he is now in rage. Oh, this is the lesson he's teaching me that I don't play Barbarian correctly. No, you play however you want to play it. Uh yeah, I like turning into animals and not doing anything about it.

SPEAKER_03 52:35

Yeah, I am still a pigeon, I think.

SPEAKER_02 52:38

Okay. Does oh he got a Okay. He he he got a natural 20 against you. Fuck. Uh so I need you to and he's taking his great axe to swing right into you. And he lands and connects, so he does. Let's see.

SPEAKER_03 53:06

You click that thing one more goddamn time.

SPEAKER_02 53:09

23 points of damage.

SPEAKER_03 53:11

I have a question for you, Mark. For some reason, my hit points are uh 17 out of 21. Why is that? Did you forget to reset at some point?

SPEAKER_04 53:21

No, I did. I did reset it.

SPEAKER_03 53:23

Okay. Yeah. Oh, I this is from when I attacked you. This is your fault.

SPEAKER_04 53:27

Do you remember to die and it's your fault?

SPEAKER_03 53:30

Dude, do you remember like two episodes ago where I swung at you in the cell? Yes, yeah. Uh-huh. That's where that damage came from. Uh-huh. Shut up, Grant.

SPEAKER_09 53:38

That's why I pulled your nomination from the webbies.

SPEAKER_10 53:41

I'm a little stinker.

SPEAKER_02 53:44

Uh so what was it? 23. 23. So uh yeah, 17 minus 23 is I'm in death saves. Yeah, you're in death saves. Yeah. Okay. So it's your turn. Continue. Okay. That's the turn. What did you roll for initiative? Do you remember? I think it was 15 plus 3, 18. 18.

SPEAKER_10 54:02

Okay. So it is your turn now to make a death save.

SPEAKER_02 54:05

Oh, goody. Save your death. Only one of us had spare the dying. Oh, I think that'd be real neat.

SPEAKER_03 54:14

Go ahead. I think we're all casting thumb in my ass right now.

SPEAKER_02 54:19

17. Okay, that's one success. Okay. Alright, we're gonna move on now to the fake ranger. Oh, hail. Alright, what is he gonna do? What do you have? You isn't in the room. Gonna cast Hunter's mark on you. So you've now been I've been hunter's mark on you.

SPEAKER_09 54:44

Did you people that are listening to this can't see what Grant just did. He just pointed his extended fingers at Shane. He's like, Yeah, I did it.

SPEAKER_03 54:54

I did it.

SPEAKER_02 54:57

He hit me in the tail end of that spell. Yep. Hunter's mark. Okay. And then he is also. I watch him do that. I'm like, oh yeah, that's what I did. It's a good one. Watch out. You're the best fighter we have. He's going to cast fairy fire only on you, Ranger, who is currently in the body of AI. I need you to make a dexterity saving throw, please. 17 plus 320. Okay, so you succeed. That's all he's doing.

SPEAKER_11 55:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 55:41

It is now your turn, Shane.

SPEAKER_11 55:44

Oh, I see you trying to give me those fucking bullshit spells and shit you got over there just putting your hand out like you do something. Uh I would like to do a firebolt straight at his face.

SPEAKER_02 55:57

Sure. Um is that uh one that he needs to save against or is that one that he needs to hit?

SPEAKER_11 56:04

Uh hit plus four. Okay, so roll to hit. What am I, the d20? 17 plus four.

SPEAKER_02 56:12

That hits uh roll damage. 10 is the one that looks like it was the top from Inception. Ah. Oh, a one. Okay. So you've cast a firebolt at him and it stings him, and he's like, ah. Do you guys see how strong I am? With that, it is um John Lick's turn.

SPEAKER_04 56:34

I uh cast uh save a friend.

SPEAKER_02 56:39

Okay, you cast spare the dying. Yep. Uh so you are now out of death saves, you're at one HP. You are currently on the ground. All of your movement could be will have to be like getting up.

SPEAKER_03 56:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 56:51

Is that all you want to do? Can I I can shoot too? I can shoot a that's it that those are both actions, so you can do a bonus action and a movement if you'd like.

SPEAKER_03 56:59

You can move somewhere and you can like pick up shit or like something that's just not directly affecting the battle. Right. Wanna like get to a better vantage point or something like that?

SPEAKER_02 57:11

I just take one step to the left. Beautiful use of your free will. Cool. Uh, as you take one step to the left, you're there now. And we're gonna move on over to the fake AI. He is going to look at you and be like, hmm. And he is going to swing his great axe at you again. What is your armor class? Why don't you tell me what you got? Oh, it's with advantage, so it's 12 plus five. 17. Yeah, you got me. You got me. Okay.

SPEAKER_08 57:44

You hit me real good.

SPEAKER_02 57:46

Look at look what you did.

SPEAKER_03 57:48

Look what you did.

SPEAKER_02 57:49

Oh. Tyler's currently showing me a scar for when he fell off of a scooter.

SPEAKER_09 57:54

Oh, what kind of scooter? Bird.

SPEAKER_02 57:56

Oh. Interesting. It's all adding up. That's nice. Take 13 points of damage.

SPEAKER_03 58:03

It's I'm down again. Right. I hope you have a few spell slots.

SPEAKER_02 58:08

Go ahead and make a death saving throw. This isn't really working out there. I have to do it on this one? Yeah. I had to do it on the next round last time. It resets uh every time you get up. So you're on you're now on like zero, zero again.

SPEAKER_03 58:21

Okay. You guys know how death saves work?

unknown 58:23

No.

SPEAKER_02 58:24

If you're down to zero hit points, you have to roll either three above ten, or if you roll three below, you're like dead, dead. Fuck. And then a natural 20 gives you two wins, and a natural one gives you two losses.

SPEAKER_04 58:36

No, but he he looks so good.

SPEAKER_02 58:40

He can't die. He's knocked the fuck out right now. Yeah. He's the he's a dog. Oh, I'll sit in here and produce. People fire for you two. So likely the dog dies. Can't like homeward uh homeward bound. Hold yellow. Four. Alright, that's one death save. Nice. Nice. Good job. Death death roll fail. Oh yeah, one death fail. It's Ranger's turn. Alright, I don't want a great axe's face. Sure. Which one? The one standing in front of you? Ranger.

SPEAKER_13 59:09

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 59:10

Okay. What am I rolling? To hit. So you're rolling a d20, you're gonna add five to it. Okay, so I got a 16 plus five.

SPEAKER_11 59:18

That hits, roll your damage. And that damage is one d12 plus three. Yes. That's a 12. A four plus three, seven.

SPEAKER_02 59:27

Okay, so seven as you swing your axe into him, the axe comes down and you slash right into the center of his body, and he also poofs. Yeah, poof. And then a little vial appears as he poofs away with that final slice, and it has Ranger's face on it. I pick it up. Can I drink it, or is that two actions? I would say it would be an action to drink it.

SPEAKER_11 59:50

Okay, so I just pick it up then.

SPEAKER_02 59:51

Yes.

SPEAKER_11 59:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 59:52

It is now John's turn.

SPEAKER_04 59:54

I'm gonna um use my longbow on AI. Sure. The other one, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:00:02

No, you I can't believe it took us like eight months to play DD. For real. That is the wrong guy.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:11

Ah. Oh, there is it is the wrong. I knew it. I knew I had more sides. Uh 11 plus uh what hit?

SPEAKER_02 1:00:22

It's your long bow. Oh, three. Um, yeah, same thing. 14. 14. That hits. Roll your damage. Five. Okay. As the arrow flies through the room, it lands right into fake AI, and it makes him poof away. And now a vial of liquid with AI's face is on it.

SPEAKER_10 1:00:49

Mike was out.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:52

Come on, Roz. I don't sound like that.

SPEAKER_10 1:00:56

You are now out of combat.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:58

If I'm out of combat, do I still need to make death saves? No. Oh, I'm good. Yeah, you can I'm assuming they like stabilize you. So crazy. That's a hell of an assumption. That was nuts. That was nuts.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:08

You guys think we need to drink this potion with our faces in it?

SPEAKER_02 1:01:11

Operating also back with you guys is you notice that Edgar Allan Pooh is gone, and the remaining members who were with you are back next to you.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:21

I think we should drink.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:23

But which ones?

SPEAKER_03 1:01:24

The ones with our fucking faces on them.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:26

Yeah, unless you want to sound like this for fucking ever. I don't.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:28

Hey, actually, I don't think why don't we do the one we haven't done yet? So I'll be arranging it. I love it. It'll be me. That's a great idea.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:41

I gotta practice my accent.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:47

No, fuck it. Let's do it regularly. So as you all drink it, the you feel your souls.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:56

I I just use my tongue as a human just to drink like a dog.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:02

As you feel your souls lift out of your body and they swirl up and up and up in the air, and then you land back in a familiar body, which is your own.

SPEAKER_11 1:02:12

Like uh glove.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:15

Is that the awesome? Uh what's the thing? It feels a lot better. I like this. I like this. It's so much better. Yeah, this feels good. I I did have a little uh Scottish on the end of that. This feels nice.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:27

It feels a wee bit better.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:33

But there's something there's something wrong. We haven't uh we solved it yet.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:37

I want everyone to roll perception as well for me. Alright. I can go back to my character sheet and roll my regular dice. Good point. Doesn't this feel like you're wearing somebody else's underwear? Yeah. I don't want that one.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:51

I want the one I fucked up.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:52

14.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:54

What was it?

SPEAKER_02 1:02:54

Uh perception. That got mine. Plus seven. Seventeen. Fifteen. Alright. All three of you notice this. The vial that has AI's face on it. You see AI's body, tiny, dead on the inside, and swirling around it, you see a like a ranger ghost. In the one of the face of John Lick, you see the dead body of John Lick, and then you see a swirling AI, and then the one with Ranger's face, you see a dead ranger, and you see a swirling John. Tiny in the vial. Weird. Weird. I thought it was supposed to be a ship in there. Oh. Like a bow. Oh, that makes sense. It does. We don't even need to talk about it. Yeah, because they sell them at like gift shops and stuff.

SPEAKER_12 1:03:49

The witches came true.

SPEAKER_11 1:03:51

Oh, they're dead. Oh, thank God. I was I thought I was gonna lose my buds. At least one of my buds.

SPEAKER_12 1:03:58

Well, they died, but they also stayed the same way they were. Oh. Huh. Really shoved that one in there, huh?

SPEAKER_05 1:04:05

Yeah, it didn't make it fucking easy.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:08

But here's the problem. Another fucking wish was where's the goddamn rip? When you finish saying the sentence, where's you say use?

SPEAKER_11 1:04:18

Use guys.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:19

When you finish the sentence, as the last P in rip is pronounced, you see at the tail end of this circular room, one more door slide up, and inside you start to see the familiar shimmer of the plot hole. There it is, guys. Right where we least expect it.

SPEAKER_09 1:04:42

I knew.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:46

Alright, let's do it together. I go, I put two of my hands, of the only two I have, on the edge.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:54

I put my mouth on the edge, and I just tickle the bottom edge. My fingers. I start to pull. As you pull and pull, the fabric of reality starts to crack and shake, and you see literally splinters of just reality fracturing. Literally. And you pull it apart till you get that same white void that you're used to. And then the portal comes around again to suck you guys out. And as it pulls you guys up, you land boom back in the cell. Home, sweet home. All of you realize that Rihanna Kives is now in the cell with you. And all of you also see that he is bleeding out from his neck. And as you look beyond the bars, you see the author holding a knife from behind the bar saying Play by the rules. And it is there we end session.

SPEAKER_12 1:06:00

Cast spare the dang. Ooh, baby.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:07

That does it for another harrowing tale of comedy and dice. Thank you all so much for listening. It's greatly appreciated. If you would like to support directly, we do have a Patreon. That is patreon.com slash comedyanddice. Patreon.com slash comedy the letter in dice. Thank you to our cast. As always, I'm Tyler Wood. It does feel weird to thank myself, but that's just how I've been doing it, and now I'm kind of in the rhythm of it. Can't stop doing it. Thank you to Shane Smith for playing Ranger Danger, Grant Janick, those are incomparable, DM, and Mark Brady as John Lick. Thank you to Tim White, aka D D Sluggers, for this wonderful intro and outro music you hear every single week. Unless this is your first episode, in which case, you probably lost. Sorry. You can find Tim on social media at DD Sluggers. Thank you to Lisa Correra for being our wonderful narrator, even though she was not in this episode. Please check out her special Acute Crisis on Amazon. Thank you for listening, and if you want to give a little bit of extra support, you don't have to be a patron, just leave a comment down here.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:11

It helps with engagement and helps feed the algorithm a little bit and introduces us to some new eyes and ears. It's weird they're introducing us to eyes. Not a visual podcast, but you get the idea. Thank you for listening, and we will be back in just two weeks on April 29th for another episode. We'll see you then.

SPEAKER_11 1:07:34

Wisdom 14 minus 14. That's zero. What is this? 14 episode.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:41

Cock.

SPEAKER_11 1:07:42

Straight dot in the cock.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:44

Shit fuck. Uh two plus three five. Okay.