The Sidequest Stump

Ayahee and John Lick go on a little sidequest. Will it bring them something useful? Probably not!

Starring

Tyler Wood as Ayahee

Grant Janik as The DM

Mark Brady as John Lick

Shane Smith as Ranger "Always In" Danger

with Lisa Corrao as The Narrator (@LisaCorrao)

Intro and outro music provided by Tim White @DDSluggers

Follow us on social media @ComedyNDice

Patreon.com/ComedyNDice

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

That's all folks. Alright, hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Comedy and Dice. My name is Tyler Wood. I play AIE the Barbarian Era Kakra, and I am joined by our DM.

SPEAKER_04 0:20

Hi, I am Grant Janik. I am your DM. DM, of course, stands for Damn My Wish Shane was here, or Dungeon Master.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

And to my left, as always, is I'm Mark Brady. I play John Lick, which is uh now uh Irish setter. Correct. Yes, yes A plus, you did it. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

I remember Scottish Terrier.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

It is a Scottish Terrier. Is it a Scottish Terrier?

SPEAKER_01 0:47

It was Scottish because you you've rolled a lot of R's for being Irish.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

Uh yes, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Scottish Terrier. And yeah, still still a dog. And then to my left, nowhere to be seen, Shane Smith is missing on this one.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

Oh he's he is not Noah. He's not in Hawaii this go around, but he is a busy little bee, so we will be um we have ravenous fans, everybody. We we need to get these episodes out. They're gonna be so disappointed if we miss one. True. So we we're meeting up on a Monday via Discord to bring you an interlude. Grant, why don't you set the scene?

SPEAKER_04 1:30

Yes, yes. So we will pick up with everybody driving. Obviously, when we last left off, you guys were in the middle of the desert, sort of a mad maxified version of Dunkel Sprout. And as you are traveling, you are currently in a Dune buggy. Tyler has gotten dune powers, so very fun. Uh as you are traveling in your little buggy.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

Now this is j just uh I want to make sure we're not out of sequence here. The last thing I did was blow up the uh cartoon into the hole.

SPEAKER_04 2:05

Yes, correct. And then you teleported back and you're like, boy, have I been busy, right? So now the whole buggy. You're going to the hole. Okay. You're trying to catch back up to it. Uh Shane has decided to drive, so Ranger has decided to drive. And the Doom buggy is chugging along, chugging along, and all of a sudden, crash. I'm sure man, you'll put sound effects in here. Kurchou. Uh I don't like it when you give me work, Grant. That's fine. I'll do the sound effects myself.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

You know, we're we're here and yada yada yada. Grant, you'll add in some DM shit here.

SPEAKER_04 2:50

That's uh you know what podcast over. You guys did it. You escaped. Um tune in next week, everyone.

unknown 2:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:01

You guys all of a sudden feel the Doom Buggy stop as it comes to a crash, and a loud uh in the front happens. And Shane, who was in the Ranger, who was in the driver's seat, his head bangs against the steering wheel and he gets knocked the fuck out. So he is currently out cold. Uh you see some smoke start to come up from the top of the Doom buggy. Looks like the cattle trow or whatever it's called didn't help from whatever was out in front here. So what do you do? Uh what's a trowel?

SPEAKER_01 3:40

You mean as in drop trow? Like you're you're shitting outside.

SPEAKER_04 3:44

Yes. Uh the cattle trow. It's a new upgrade that you guys have to the buggy. It just smells bad. It's a cow catcher, is what you're what you're looking for. Yes. What do we do? Uh I get out, I I take a look, I go, is the buggy okay? So as you walk out and take a look at the buggy, you see almost out of place a wooden tree stump, as all tree stumps are. But it's rather large, and it's out of place because this is more of a foresty stump. And you count the rings in the stump, and you see that it has currently eight rings. I look at the buggy. Is the buggy okay? Oh shit. Uh the first question I asked? Yeah, no, as you look at the buggy, it's the front is steaming, and the there's a couple of dents in one. It is not operable at its current stage. Like, it's gonna have to get fixed up.

SPEAKER_02 4:47

I uh I look at Ranger and uh I just try to pick his head up and open his eyes.

SPEAKER_04 4:55

You pick his head up, and as you open his eyes, you don't see his pupils because they're rolled so far back into his skull, and as you let go of his head, he just falls right back onto the steering wheel and it goes as his head hits the wheel and it honks.

SPEAKER_02 5:11

Okay. Uh check for a heartbeat, yes. Mm-hmm. Yep. He's alive, he's just unconscious. Until AI, he's dead. He's dead. What he's dead? I'm just kidding, he's just knocked out a little bit. He's just knocked out. He's knocked out.

SPEAKER_01 5:31

Uh I gotta shake off your accent. It's really starting to get to me.

SPEAKER_04 5:35

What's all this then? Hold on, what if we uh what if we uh what if we do this?

SPEAKER_02 5:41

Drag his dead body with us and we put him around like a puppet master.

SPEAKER_04 5:48

Do I have a canteen on me? Canteen of water? For lack of, or for not lack, for curiosity's sake, yes you do. Okay, I take it and I put some water in my mouth, and then I spray it all over Ranger's face to try to wake him up. Does it do anything? Let me roll for this here. Yes, he is now wet. You see him kind of go, uh, and he goes back to sleep.

SPEAKER_02 6:17

Ah, damn it.

SPEAKER_04 6:18

Right. Yeah, he's dead.

SPEAKER_02 6:20

Well, I'll just scoot his body out and just uh leave him here and we can keep on driving.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Yeah, we we can go around this stump considering that we ain't on no road and it's just a giant well, I guess it's kind of a path, but it we can obviously just go around this and there's no there's no reason to to do anything further with this stump.

SPEAKER_04 6:42

Yeah. Uh upon hearing that stump, you see the bookworm inch out of a pocket uh as he was in Ranger's pocket, and he was like, Did someone say stump? Oh, I thought you were dead. I figured it was that you would have been smushed on impact.

SPEAKER_02 6:59

I gotta be honest, I completely forgot you were even in part of a group.

SPEAKER_03 7:04

No, don't worry. Thank God this buggy doesn't not have any airbags. Because otherwise I'd be fucked. Anyway, you mention a stump, yes. Yeah, it's right here, you can see it. Oh.

SPEAKER_04 7:18

Uh and so he uh inches all the way up to the top of the dash to look at the stump, and he goes, Oh my.

SPEAKER_03 7:27

Yes, yes, this is perfect. Oh guys, this is no ordinary stump. This is a side quest stump. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 7:40

Oh, so we can just go around the No no no no no.

SPEAKER_03 7:44

This stump was not originally a part of the story, which means that you must have an ally on the outside somehow helping you. And what they've done is they've managed to sneak this stump into this story. So apparently, if you utilize this stump. It sounds like you don't know. It sounds like you're stumbling through this.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

It sounds like you're kind of making it up.

SPEAKER_03 8:13

I'm sorry. Let me clear my throat. Ahem. Ahem.

SPEAKER_04 8:25

Mark, there's no way he understands that reference. I know he's just like. Alright, we found one of his autistic uh that song, apparently. I fucking love that song, dude. Uh okay, now that you've cleared your throat, continue.

SPEAKER_03 8:51

Apparently, you must have an ally on the outside world that's put this stump into this story to help you out in some way. Now, it must utilize from what I'm seeing. I see anything. I start kicking it.

SPEAKER_04 9:06

Ah What does it do? It it screams. Oh, that was it. I thought that was the worm. No, that was the stump. It's screaming. Hello?

SPEAKER_05 9:19

Hey guys, I'm I'm the I'm the I'm the side quest stump.

SPEAKER_02 9:24

Hey, what what you doing down there? What what uh what what is it? What what's the the side quest there?

SPEAKER_05 9:34

Oh well there's multiple side quests that you guys can do. Yeah, oh so if you pick one of the rings that is that one which which one do you pick?

SPEAKER_02 9:48

He doesn't have eyes.

SPEAKER_05 9:49

Which one do I pick?

SPEAKER_04 9:51

Um You can't just gotta tell him which one you feel. There's there's eight rings. I got one. I I got it for you. Where do where do I find the dice? Yeah, roll full. Uh looking for a D8? Yeah, I don't see the oh, I found it. I found it. Uh I rolled an eight. I picked the eighth one. Okay. Uh the eighth one. So as soon as you uh that's gonna be the outermost. Yeah, the outermost. Um after the seventh one. Yes, as you hit it, the stump goes, well, the way it as you said, he goes, ah, and you see that this the rings start to vibrate and start to look like a hypnosis uh swirling ring, as all of a sudden a vacuum force sucks you guys in, and it just grabs AI and John, and you get sucked into the stump as it sucks you off and shoots you out into a familiar landscape of chapter eight, which is prey. So this is the one where you this is the one where you guys had the different biomes and all that jazz. Oh, okay. And it shoots you out in the middle of the desert again, and you look around, you see nothing around you except for now this stump, which now has seven rings remaining.

SPEAKER_02 11:20

Oh, we just had to get dropped off a knee in the hot one.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

Yeah, we're not not in that last desert that we were in, but this desert. We got we got poked from one desert to the next.

SPEAKER_05 11:30

The last desert is more orange, and this one's a little bit more yellow. I'm the side quest stomp!

SPEAKER_02 11:39

So can we just like touch your other rings and just go from place to place?

SPEAKER_05 11:45

Well, you're in this story currently, so you gotta do the side quest.

SPEAKER_02 11:49

Oh, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_04 11:51

Okay. I pressed the one, the first ring. As you press the first string, he goes, oh, and the hypnosis rings start again, and it sucks you in. He was lying. And as it sucks you in, it takes you now to uh you go back to chapter one, uh, you look around, you see the rolling hills of the screensaver again, and as you look into it, the stuff I don't I don't want Bugberry. What's his name? Uh who's the but what's the bugbear's name? It's Dragnor. I don't want Dragnor. Uh it's so as you look at the stump now, uh because you are in chapter one, you see that the innermost ring, which is the one that you hit, is now darkened, and the outermost ring is now darkened. So there are Oh no, did we waste it? Yeah, you fucking wasted that. Oh man. Uh I hold the stump up and I go, how do you hold a stump up? It's in the ground. It's a fucking magic stump. I don't know what it can do. It's you try to pick it up.

SPEAKER_05 13:02

I'm a stump, I'm in the ground, I'm the I'm the side quest stump.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

So you gotta stop fingering the stump. You keep giving in the old pokey pokey, and then it's it's it's dying, it's slowly dying.

SPEAKER_04 13:16

I lean down and I go, I wish to go back to chapter eight.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Oh, um I made- I wish, I wish, with all my might, that you're a dragon and take flight.

SPEAKER_04 13:29

Are you two? Is that the Dragontails? Something like that, yeah. Uh he's like, well, roll persuasion, you know, with advantage, because I was a Dragon Tails kid, so I'll give you advantage on that. Alright. Persuasion with advantage is 15. Alright, I'll give it to you.

SPEAKER_05 13:47

He's like, okay, fine, just this once on the side quest stop.

SPEAKER_04 13:53

Wait, but does that mean we can't do do chapter one?

SPEAKER_05 13:56

It you have to pick one of them are gonna be wasted because you were mean to me and I'm I was trying to help you out.

SPEAKER_04 14:04

I wasn't mean to him. You just started- We hit you with our car, that was an accident.

SPEAKER_02 14:07

Yeah, but you also tried to pick him up. You tried to help him. That's pretty rude. You gotta kill him.

SPEAKER_05 14:14

You didn't listen to my explanation. You just started poking me. It's pretty rude. I feel like I'd be a nice little thing considered. I'm the side quest up.

SPEAKER_04 14:25

Alright, do you want uh you want chapter one or chapter eight? Let's do eight. Let's do eight. Alright, well, let's go back to chapter eight. Alrighty! And God knows we've tried Dragnor enough fucking times. Hypnosis rings again and it sucks you in, and it drops you back out in chapter eight. So you're back in the heated desert, and you see the yellowish desert and the side quest stump just hanging there. Alright, what do we do?

SPEAKER_05 14:50

Oh, yes, you wanna know that you you wanna know your side quest. Yes. Oh, well, you gotta ask.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

I swear to god, I'm gonna poke all the fucking rings.

SPEAKER_05 15:02

If you poke all the rings, that's got that's gonna start all the side quests, you won't be able to go to them again. I am side quest stump.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

You you you take over. I gotta I gotta look to my inventory.

SPEAKER_05 15:14

Okay, alright. Yeah, ask ask nicely. I don't want to deal with you. You're kind of mean.

SPEAKER_02 15:22

Tell us what the side quest is.

SPEAKER_05 15:25

Oh, of course I can tell you what the side quest is.

SPEAKER_04 15:29

And then he his stump, the rings form into straight lines, and a little magic projection appears upon the stump. And it looks like a holographic map of the clock of the story that you're in. And he starts pointing to the snowy mountain area where you guys were at.

SPEAKER_05 15:52

And he goes, Well, you guys are familiar over here with the Yeti that lives over here. He had a little cat that he took care of, and now there's no one to take care of the cat, so you guys just gotta check and make sure that the cat's okay.

SPEAKER_02 16:09

Let me get this straight. Our side quest is to make sure this little kitten gets taken care of like every other week.

SPEAKER_05 16:20

No, no, just make sure the cat's okay, like right now.

SPEAKER_02 16:23

Right now, and then we'll get out of here.

SPEAKER_05 16:25

Yeah, you can get out of here, yeah. I mean something wonky may be afoot. I don't know. I am the side quest stop.

SPEAKER_02 16:32

Okay, are you coming with us?

SPEAKER_05 16:34

I'm a stop, I gotta stay right here. I can't move. But you can come back to me when you're done.

SPEAKER_02 16:40

We can only stay in one spot in every story.

SPEAKER_05 16:44

That's right, I only stay in one spot, but you gotta bring me back the cat. So if you show me that like the cat's okay and that it likes you guys, then you'll be all good to go. And then on the side quest stop.

SPEAKER_02 16:55

We just leave the cat in front of you, or do we have to like show it that it's live and then take it back to its house?

SPEAKER_05 17:03

No, no, you can leave the cat, the cat will make its way back. I'll make sure it gets there. I'll say, hey cat, you can go back, and it will go meow, and then it will take like a long thing, and then you know how cats have nine lives. Well, this one also has a lot of people. Oh, okay, that's hold on.

SPEAKER_01 17:18

Before you leave, I look at the stump. I go, what's wrong with the cat?

SPEAKER_05 17:23

What's wrong with the cat? I c I don't know. I can't walk over there. All I know is that the side quest is to go get the stump or the cat. I hold out the side quest stump.

SPEAKER_04 17:33

I hold out my my hand palm facing the stump.

SPEAKER_05 17:39

Oh damn, it looks like you got some weak knees and palms are sweaty.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

Acid rain is quite corrosive to wood.

SPEAKER_05 17:48

Listen here, bitch! Alright? I don't fuck around. I don't even use a bidet. I just shit that hard that I rely on the splashback so you can fucking tighten the fuck up.

SPEAKER_04 18:01

I cock my wrist. Do you make the sound? Do you go ch I do, I go chch. Fucking try me. What's wrong with the cat?

SPEAKER_02 18:14

Bitch, I don't know. I'm just the sacquist! Alright, alright. I need a stump and a bird to stop fighting. Here's what we gotta do. What does the cat look like?

SPEAKER_05 18:24

It's a cat.

SPEAKER_02 18:25

Oh great. Does it have like a collar or anything?

SPEAKER_05 18:29

Oh yeah, he's got a little collar. His name's Mr. Whisker.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

How how big is he?

SPEAKER_05 18:34

It's a normal cat. Like, if you're trying to think I'm gonna do some fuck you thing that this is actually gonna be the panther that's in the story, it's not. It's a normal ass cat, don't worry. It better be. Yeah, it's a it's not gonna be like a fuck you. This is a big monster you're going to fight. This is this is a cat.

SPEAKER_02 18:52

This seems just like Yeah, like a rover. Go check on my animal, make sure it's okay. We get paid and leave. It's a side quest. Alright, let's go. Let's uh start looking at it. Hold my ankles.

SPEAKER_05 19:05

You're lucky you picked this one and not Drag Norse, because Drag Norse was like, collect a hundred blueberries, so can't do that anymore.

SPEAKER_02 19:14

That sounds easier. Yeah, can we go back?

SPEAKER_05 19:17

Nope, major choice. Bye! Oh I'm gonna I'm gonna hope that you walk away from me. I can't walk away from you, so it's more dramatic. My bye's more dramatic if you walk away now.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

Worm.

SPEAKER_05 19:29

Oh, the worm was the worm stayed, then the worm that's not nice to call me a worm. I mean, uh I start walking away.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Grab my ankles. Grab my ankles.

SPEAKER_04 19:40

I grab his ankles. I take off flying. Yeah, you're able to fly. Okay. So you're able to soar. As you soar, you enter into the climate of where you were at. As you're flying continuously, you stumble upon the ice palace that you guys had initially made. You also see the corpse of the dead snowman in the ice palace. And that remember, this ice palace was at the bottom of the mountain. And so he you don't know where he lives, but you know that his house is on top of the mountain. I will say, with you flying all the way there, you're a little bit too tired to now lift uh John all the way up and fly upwards towards the mountain. You're able to kind of glide and ride the airwaves, but now that you have to go directly up, there's no air to glide upon. So you'll need to climb it.

SPEAKER_01 20:33

Alright, we land. Alright, you take over. You lead the way. I I got us up this far. I think it's only fair that you uh you use your your special skills to get us the rest of the way up. I know you you're very familiar with them.

SPEAKER_02 20:49

Yes. Yes, uh, in fact I am. Uh I want to God, you know I hate cats. You fucking know that. And I gotta go check on this little bitch. I start uh I start sniffing, start sniffing around, see if I can catch a scent.

SPEAKER_04 21:08

Roll investigation. Grant, can you put the microphone in your mouth next time you speak? Does it is it actually not like does it sound like this what I'm talking about? Yeah, that that that hurts the listener. It kills the listener.

SPEAKER_02 21:24

Uh three. Okay. You smell snow. Mm-hmm. I'm surprised I smell that. I want to turn into a polar bear. Ooh. Yeah, you're a polar bear. Okay, great. Uh holy shit. That's fucking huge. Yeah, it looks pretty good, huh? I'm a fucking polar bear. So if this little cat gets in my face, I'm gonna fucking eat him. Of course, I'm gonna show the stump he's okay, and then toss him right down my gullet.

SPEAKER_04 21:55

Okay, sounds good to me. That's technically good enough.

SPEAKER_02 21:58

All right, hop on. Uh

SPEAKER_01 22:00

My shoulder up here and I'll I'll start walking, see if I hop up there like I'm a parrot on a fucking pirate ship.

SPEAKER_02 22:07

Uh I start looking for uh uh footprints.

SPEAKER_04 22:11

Okay. You are able to find a a track of footprints, I will say, because the Yeti had to walk down. It's a little gonna be a little bit harder to manage, but you find a pair. So I'm gonna say roll a nature or survival check, whichever one you prefer, to see if you can follow them up because it's not just like a normal path, it's up a mountain, so it's not gonna be a sturdy situation. So in order to follow where they go, 14. Okay, 14, you're able to track them all the way back. So I'm assuming you guys are just climbing this mountain continuously, tracking these tracks. As you continue up, you see a clearing at the top of this mountain, and you see a log cabin, a tiny little log cabin, and there is some fire coming out of the chimney. Or smoke coming out of the chimney, not fire, but there's smoke coming out of the chimney. There's a glowing warmth that this cabin is radiating. This must be the place.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

Yeah, let's uh let's go in.

SPEAKER_04 23:17

Uh, hold on, hold on.

SPEAKER_01 23:19

I knock on the door.

SPEAKER_04 23:20

You knock on the door and you hear a little jingle of a collar kind of running away.

SPEAKER_01 23:28

What are you doing, you little shit? I saw you smile before you started talking.

SPEAKER_04 23:32

What are you doing? Mark? Mark? No, no, no. I don't he's doing something, isn't he?

SPEAKER_02 23:40

Who, Grant? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's there's something in this fucking place, but there's only one way to find out. No, there's not.

SPEAKER_04 23:48

There's several. I I knock a little harder. What do I hear? You knock a little harder, you hear nothing. Actually, roll perception. I'll let you roll perception for this. Okay. I got an eight. You hear nothing. But I'm a bird. Do I get a roll again? No. That's one of the worst arguments you've had. They hear, they hear well. I fly up and look in the chimney. Okay. Um I'd go ahead and make a constitution saving throw with a disadvantage. Is there a fire? I said there was smoke coming out of the chimney. That's very irresponsible as a pet owner to leave a fire going and leave your pet in the home. But he's dead. He killed his owner.

SPEAKER_01 24:38

He left. He left of his own volition. All we did was say he's a little bitch, and then he's like, I gotta go there.

SPEAKER_04 24:45

He could be a bad pet owner, you don't know. As you you just stuck your face into smoke. 13. You have black lug right now.

SPEAKER_01 24:57

Oh no.

SPEAKER_04 25:00

You're telling me one hit of smoke is the same as two decades in a West Virginia coal mine. Yes. Smoking kills, kids.

SPEAKER_02 25:08

Smoking kills. It's a good lesson. Alright, I punched the front door open. Alright, make a strength check. Do I get an advantage because I'm a polar bear? Yeah, I'll give you advantage. You're a fucking bear. Hell yeah. Uh ten and uh fuck. Seven.

SPEAKER_04 25:29

Okay, with a ten, you are able to crack this door open, so you're able to peek inside. The door is still latched though, so it's weakened now, but you're at least able to see inside. Okay, look inside. Alright, as you look inside, you see it looks like a normal log cabin. There's some random odds and ends and bobbles. You also see uh those odds and ends and bobbles. There's about four items that are emulating arcane magic on a table. Also on the table is this little black cat, and it has its paw next to all of the items look breakable, and it's on the table, and its paw is right next to the first item, and it's like batting it a little bit, almost close to knocking it off the table.

SPEAKER_02 26:23

Well, it seems fine. Let's get the hell out of here.

SPEAKER_01 26:26

We gotta show him to the stomach.

SPEAKER_02 26:28

Uh right, right, right, right. Uh I go. Is there a window? Yeah. Okay. I go around to the window and I I go, Don't knock that over. Kitty, kitty, come in. And I start tapping, and I go, unlock it! Unlock the window.

SPEAKER_04 26:48

As you start tapping, it gets startled and it spasms and it knocks the first item over, and as it falls on the table or off the table, it lands on the ground and shatters, and you see purple mist evaporate out, and it goes, mew! And it like scurries away.

SPEAKER_01 27:08

We gotta think fast, and then I grab John by the back of the collar of his shirt and Is it wait?

SPEAKER_04 27:15

Is he a polar bear wearing a sh a polar? I forgot he's a polar bear. You're a polar bear!

SPEAKER_01 27:22

Break in!

SPEAKER_04 27:23

I I tried that! He tried, he rolled a 10 for strength with advantage.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

Well, you didn't try to crash through the glass.

SPEAKER_04 27:30

I I headbutt the glass window. Alright, go ahead and make another strength check with an uh advantage.

SPEAKER_01 27:39

I do like to think he's a polar bear in a suit, though.

SPEAKER_04 27:41

Yeah. 21. Alright, yeah, you're the glass is fucking shattered.

SPEAKER_02 27:48

Alright, crawl through the window.

SPEAKER_04 27:51

There's no way you fit.

SPEAKER_02 27:53

You go in, unlock the door, I'll come around.

SPEAKER_04 27:58

Will he fit? I'd say with a 21, you fucking shattered this glass and like the surrounding siding around it, so you can fucking fit through this. Okay, great.

SPEAKER_01 28:09

Okay, nice.

SPEAKER_04 28:10

Go in. Alright, as you go in, you see that there is two stories to this cabin. So there is the table with all of the items on. You notice that one item is broken on the floor. The other three have disappeared. Hold on one sec. Hi, my love. Oh, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

Oh, look at this. Dude. Hi, Chesca. Wow. Are those spaghettios?

SPEAKER_02 28:38

No, they're stuffed peppers. Oh nice. Nice. Hey, how's it going?

SPEAKER_01 28:44

Courtesy and what are they stuffed with?

SPEAKER_00 28:47

Ground beef, rice, etc.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

Hell yeah. Wow. That looks good. Real good. Way better than what I had. I had uh microwave macaroni and cheese.

SPEAKER_00 28:58

You know what? Sometimes that hits though.

SPEAKER_01 29:00

It does.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

That's low-key like a comfort meal.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if I should be eating them five times a week, but it could hit five times a week.

SPEAKER_02 29:10

Thank you, baby. That's gonna hit your heart pretty good if you don't.

SPEAKER_01 29:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 29:15

It's buffalo chicken mac and cheese, too.

SPEAKER_02 29:17

Oh yeah?

SPEAKER_04 29:17

That sounds good. Do you want this cut out of the podcast, or do you want your voice to be in it?

unknown 29:22

I don't care.

SPEAKER_04 29:23

Alright. She's like, all three listeners are gonna hear me. Talk about stuffed peppers. I love you.

SPEAKER_01 29:31

Love you too.

SPEAKER_04 29:35

Uh so as you walk in, you notice that the broken item is still on the ground, but the other three have disappeared. The ones that were on the table. And you also hear a small thud come from upstairs.

SPEAKER_01 29:50

There's an upstairs.

SPEAKER_04 29:51

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a two-story. So you hear a small thud from the upstairs.

SPEAKER_01 29:56

I look through the books, what do I see?

SPEAKER_04 29:58

It's just scrapbooks of this Yeti and his cat going on like vacation. I start tossing him in the fire. Yeah, it it rolls He's dead, Mark! We killed him! You don't have to feel guilty now memories too. And as I'm doing that, I open up one book while John isn't looking, and I see a picture of him and his cat, and I take it out and I put it in my in my belongings, and I toss the rest of the book into the fire. Okay. And I go, let's get this fucking cat.

SPEAKER_02 30:32

Alright. I'll block the downstairs, you go up there, and you start scurrying around. So if it if you if you come bring it down here, I'll just open my mouth and I'll catch it in my mouth and we'll be on our way. I'll just add it.

SPEAKER_04 30:49

So if I catch the cat, I will try to throw it. No, no, no, no, no. So you go up there.

SPEAKER_02 30:56

No, wrong. Alright, this is what happens. Okay. You go up there, you start flapping your wings, causing chaos. It gets scared. It goes, I'm gonna go back downstairs. And as it's going downstairs, I'm going to be laying on the floor like I'm a bearskin rug with my mouth open. And then it's gonna run right in my mouth, and I just walk gently, gently press down, hard enough to hold it, and then we walk back.

SPEAKER_04 31:24

I'm glad you understood what I was asking. It's not that I'm worried that you got it in your mouth, it's how we're gonna get it in there. That's what I was worried about. Yes. I understand. All right, perfect, perfect. All right. Uh yeah, I go upstairs, I start uh start flapping around. Walk upstairs. Perfect. Uh as you walk upstairs, you see a just regular bedroom. You see the cat.

SPEAKER_01 31:50

Mark, how did you do that?

SPEAKER_02 31:54

You just want me in this position? Yeah, just how'd you do it? I want to see it. You're gonna screenshot and then I know you, I know you. Oh no, I'm doing that again.

SPEAKER_04 32:05

No, I just we it's good for DD. Sure, let me describe with words then.

SPEAKER_02 32:10

I lay down on my stomach.

SPEAKER_04 32:12

Oh, that's a surefire way for me to get you to do it again because I know you can't describe it with words. Use all your words to describe it.

SPEAKER_02 32:24

Mouth, mouth agape laying on the floor on my stomach. And then my feet are also out uh like a starfish. A haiego apparently as if you're doing.

SPEAKER_04 32:37

Do I have to Google this? There's a there's a whole list of shit Mark has to Google. Alright, I'm gonna press escape to cancel that uh screenshot handbook in there.

SPEAKER_02 32:47

I knew it.

SPEAKER_04 32:48

Well, you can't just hit me with this. And then not expect me to do it. Alright, uh, does anybody run down? So as you walk up, you start to cause chaos. You see the cat and three items on the bed. So as you start to flap, the cat does get scared and it baps away two of the items uh and they shatter into different mists, and there's one item still radiating in. Fuck! It knocks the items that weren't on the table, they were now on the bed, which I said you have to listen, and it baps them off of the table. So there's two or off of the bed. So there's two items now broken. I'm listening. You change it. If you ever have a dream that you had you so there's currently one magic item remaining, but that pales in comparison to this cat who is freaking the fuck out. It's bouncing all over the walls, it's going meow, etc. And it starts spamming and it bolts. I focus on the item. I don't look away from the item. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 33:57

And I'm laying down on the ground. I'm going, how's it uh uh Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 34:01

So, John, all you hear is uh I'm gonna do some foley for you here. This is this is what you hear.

SPEAKER_05 34:09

Ah, it's gonna make a mouse.

SPEAKER_04 34:14

And the meows get uh louder and louder. Have fun editing that. Uh the I'm not changing anything. The meows get louder and louder. Wait, you guys are posting this? We have to. That's the date's coming up, it's Wednesday. The cat appears at the top of the uh stairs, so you have to make a dexterity saving throw to be able to catch this cat within your mouth.

SPEAKER_02 34:43

Okay. Dexterity.

SPEAKER_04 34:45

Come on, baby. Fifteen fifteen, you got it. You have softly caught this cat, and it's like it's freaking out in your mouth because it thinks it's about to get eaten. Uh cut to Tyler upstairs, you see one item, which is a shirt, but the shirt looks to be made out of quartz. I'll say quartz. Why do you say quartz? Because it's made out of quartz. Okay, good to know.

SPEAKER_02 35:13

I uh while the cat's freaking out, I cast speak with animals. Yeah. And and I I tell it to don't worry, I'm not gonna eat you. I'm here to make sure you're okay. And then the cat replies and goes, Hello.

SPEAKER_05 35:30

Oh. So you just showed up to my home to see if I was okay.

SPEAKER_02 35:35

Correct. I mean, we had to make sure you're alright. I gotta take you to a tree stump to make sure he's gonna make sure you're okay, and then you're off on your own, and you go back to your little house, your warm, cozy little nook, and take a look at your the photo album of all the uh places you've been with your your dead owner.

SPEAKER_05 35:54

My My Dead owner?

SPEAKER_02 35:56

My own is dead. No, I'm my own is dead. No, no, no, no, no, it's not dead, it's not dead, it's just it must be my uh my accent. Your uh your your fat your fed owner. You know, he's fed. He's he's good, he's getting groceries, and he's gonna bring you back a cake.

SPEAKER_04 36:15

Roll persuasion. Roll it with disadvantage, though, because the cat didn't know his owner was dead. Oh, 10 and 11, so 10. Alright, with a 10 that does succeed, and the cat goes, well, fine.

SPEAKER_05 36:31

Um, sure, I'll go wherever you need me to go. I'm a cat.

SPEAKER_02 36:35

Great. I'm gonna I'm uh I yell up to uh AI and back, all right, let's go.

SPEAKER_01 36:42

Wait, this seems like the kind of guy that would have a leash for his cat.

SPEAKER_05 36:47

Oh uh I heard him from up there. I uh yes, I do have a leash. Uh he speaks English?

SPEAKER_04 36:54

I don't speak it, but I can understand it. Oh, I see you're not fluent.

SPEAKER_02 36:58

I'm not fluent, but I can understand it. I'm the same way with Spanish.

SPEAKER_04 37:02

Mmm. C. That's my favorite letter. But Mark, can you do you know Spanish enough to like understand what people are saying but not speak it?

SPEAKER_02 37:11

Went to uh I went to Mexico with me and four other guys from college, and I was the only one that could that could buy the hookers. Yes. I was the only one that could have some sort of communic yeah, communication between. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, just a whole lot of asking where the library is. Just imagine how dumb the other guys were.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

That's where that English 090 came in.

SPEAKER_02 37:40

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 37:43

And if you want to know the context of that joke, look through Mark's Instagram.

SPEAKER_02 37:47

Yeah, you can find it on my free special on YouTube.

SPEAKER_04 37:50

Oh, yeah, there you go.

SPEAKER_02 37:51

Which one is that? Incognito. There you go.

SPEAKER_04 37:53

Is that your first one? Yep. All right. It's a good one.

SPEAKER_02 37:57

Oh, thanks.

SPEAKER_04 37:59

Before the bird sucked.

SPEAKER_02 38:02

Hey, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, you're not the only one.

SPEAKER_04 38:12

Um the numbers don't lie, and they spell disaster, sacrifice. I know that reference. I love that. Uh Did you get that reference?

SPEAKER_02 38:21

I couldn't uh I could I could know, but it was funny to me. I I think I could re-release the whole uh second album on my third album, and no one would notice. Go for it. I might do that.

SPEAKER_04 38:34

Uh Mark's version. Listen, we need we need some oh, so you have the rights to it instead of uh Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the cat understands Spanish. English, but showing for lore.

SPEAKER_02 38:51

Yeah, the cat also understands Spanish. I gotta be honest, I don't trust it to not scare you off or run away or slip out of its leash. I think I'm gonna hold on to it just like this.

SPEAKER_04 39:04

I mean, that's fine. I'm a cat. Um well You seem kind of chill. I'm a I am a cat, so that's what we are.

SPEAKER_05 39:12

It I'm the stone!

SPEAKER_04 39:17

You asked me to be more descriptive. It's very clear who's talking, isn't it? Um you are more than welcome to have uh the remaining magic item that's upstairs. I mean, it's I have no use for it and uh cut back upstairs. I'm already wearing it. Oh, you're wearing it? I mean, it's a shirt. Uh it'd be ridiculous not to wear it. Also, it's made of quartz, is that right? Quartz is not malleable. No, but you could like slip in, you know. Okay. As you walk upstairs, John, you see AI. To AI, it looks like you're just wearing a quartz shirt. John, to you, it looks like AI has grown tits.

SPEAKER_02 40:02

Oh, hey, buddy. Uh what uh you know. Is uh uh you go I'm alright. Yeah, how are you doing? You uh you got anything you want to get off your chest?

SPEAKER_04 40:18

No, I just found this shirt and uh I I feel like it's gonna be really good for for defense, you know? I feel like if something's coming at me, like boom, it's gonna ping right off, you know? Yeah, got no chance. Okay, you want me to I I you thought I was a handful before in combat, but you know, something's coming at me now. Nothing's gonna beat me.

SPEAKER_02 40:38

Yeah, I think I think that'll that'll work out. I mean, you know, if they're if they're not into it, yeah, sure. What do you think? Does it does it look good? Yeah, well, I got no problems with it. Let's go. Okay. Do you want to do you wanna try it on? I don't think it'll fit. Hey Cat, I take the shirt off.

SPEAKER_04 40:59

Oh, as you take it off.

SPEAKER_02 41:02

Uh I thought you looked like Christopher Gnome's husband.

SPEAKER_04 41:08

Yeah, as you take it off, you see that it's you see the court shirt become normal again. Whoa. Maybe I do want to try it on. I try it on. Alright, as you put it on and you slip into it, um, you see John just a normal shirt. But AI, you see now that John has tits. He has six of them that are all hanging down because he's a dog. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh wait, he has six because he's a dog. How many first of all, dogs have eight? First of all. Second of all, he's a polar bear. Oh shit. Um I'm gonna do Oh what I did the peace sign too much, and apparently balloons come up on Discord when you do that. Is it the peace sign? Is that what it is?

SPEAKER_05 41:56

I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 41:56

Oh yeah, it is to accidentally figure that out is how come it only works for you?

SPEAKER_01 42:02

That's because you have fucking sausage fingers, relax.

SPEAKER_04 42:06

Uh I just looked up polar bear tits. Uh oh. Oh. Yeah, what's what's gonna pop up for you? Well, they have they have four, but this is what it says. I I'm reading this off of Reddit, so take it what you will. Being attacked by a bear, try to feel for its nipples as it's eating you. Polar bears only have four nipples, while grizzlies have six. Once armed with this information, you'll feel much smarter. Wow. So yeah, Mark's got four tits right now.

SPEAKER_02 42:37

I think it looks better on me than it does on you. Maybe I should wait a cat. What does this shirt do?

SPEAKER_04 42:43

Oh, it Oh, that's just not my voice. Um yes, it um whatever you put inside the shirt, animate or inanimate, literally anything, it gets tits.

SPEAKER_02 42:59

That's just what it does. You gotta be kidding me. So this all the magic and the mischief and the in the realm of of magic uh that could ever possibly exist. Someone made a shirt with tits.

SPEAKER_04 43:19

Listen, my owner gets very lonely at times. I knew it was this type of guy. I knew it was this type of guy.

SPEAKER_02 43:27

Does he also eat mac and cheese five times a week?

SPEAKER_04 43:32

Oh, now I can't cut that part. I gotta keep it. Everyone's gonna know.

SPEAKER_02 43:38

Alright, well, uh, I guess we'll keep this titty shirt. Hopefully it comes in uh use. Maybe some more uh bugs bunny type of theme that uh AI can do. I guess I'll just wear it for right now and and we'll go.

SPEAKER_04 43:54

Yeah, I'll go with that. Okay, so am I seeing you know how like when a dog's been ran through. And it's had a bunch of puppies and like it's just got like saggy nipples. Am I seeing that on Mark? Or am I seeing like four voluptuous breasts? You're seeing they are very voluptuous. I'm seeing jugs. All of the titties are like good. I'm seeing uh what's the bazungas as they say. Boy, oi, oi, oi, oi, car alarm, a wooga, a wooga. I'm seeing ape titties, is what I'm seeing. Ape titties? Yeah, you are seeing ape titties. It's not like it's not titties relative to the thing that they're on. It's ape titties. Ape titties are wrong because ape titties kind of suck. Like, what's the word I'm looking for? What what are we? I know we're humans, but what are we? You see what I'm saying? Homo sapiens, like not Homo sapiens, but like we are, but that's not what I'm looking for. But like, what are we? We're the same as like monkeys. Primates? Primate titties. Primate titties. Yes. No matter what, the shirt goes on, you see Primeape titties. Hell yeah. Prime ape titties. Yes. They're primeape titties. Alright, we're gonna go. Alright, so as you guys head down the mountain, you come back to the stump, and as you approach closer to the stump, you just hear them in the background going.

SPEAKER_05 45:22

You know, it's it's kind of rude to walk away from people while they're talking. Oh, you're back! Oh! The cat! That's so nice! I'm the side quest stump.

SPEAKER_01 45:36

What's our reward?

SPEAKER_05 45:38

Oh! Did you find the magic item?

SPEAKER_01 45:41

Yeah, but you're supposed to give us something when we come back. We stole that fair and square.

SPEAKER_05 45:45

Oh no, that's the magic item. You went on the side quest, cut the side. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_04 45:50

You have the T D shirt. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because if we would have just stolen this, we'd have had it. Yeah, but you couldn't have gotten back. So you you're telling us you would have kidnapped us. You would have would have kept us here against our will. You were pretty mean to me, so yeah. Do me a favor, take the shirt off. I take it off. I put it on the stump. Alright, this Oh! I'm the side quest stomp! Oh boy! I don't why is it going, oh boy, I can't see him.

SPEAKER_05 46:26

Oh no, I mean but I know what the shirt does. So I I look like I have titties now. Did you achieve what you wanted to achieve here?

SPEAKER_04 46:40

I guess I rip the shirt off. I go, let's fucking take us back. Okay. And then the hypnosis circle starts to go again and it sucks you back into the stump and you appear right back into um the doom buggy. You see the worm and you cranking over like the hood. The smoke has stopped, and as soon as you pop back, they slam the hood down, and you goes, Father, where have you been?

SPEAKER_01 47:10

I I uh We was busy. We we had the we gotta You met this guy? I point the stomp.

SPEAKER_05 47:16

I'm the side quest stump.

SPEAKER_01 47:18

Yeah, I thought you know we we went somewhere. We we went back to chapter eight with the with the with the uh we we we saw the Yeti's uh cat and uh it guys into some stuff, so we uh we stole some of his clothes and uh we gonna We're gonna save those for another time.

SPEAKER_04 47:34

Oh, that's nice. I hope that we will be able to go back to chapter one. That was my favorite chapter. Well, you don't have very good opinions, so don't worry about it. Aw. That's fair enough. And then you see uh Ranger pick up his head and he goes, What? And with that, we will end our fun little side quest.

SPEAKER_01 47:58

Hey guys, thank you so much for listening to another episode of Comedy and Dice. Thank you so much to our cast. I have been Tyler Wood playing AIE. We have Grant Janik as our DM, Mark Brady as John Lick, and out for this episode was Shane Smith playing Ranger Danger. If you would like to check us out, we have a live show coming up this Saturday at the Gathering Place in Chapel Hill.

SPEAKER_04 48:23

It's gonna be a lot of fun. Come on out, win some prizes, and watch some live DD fun.

SPEAKER_01 48:28

If you want to support us directly, please support on Patreon. That is patreon.com slash comedyand dice. That is patreon.com slash comedy, the letter in dice. We appreciate everybody that does that, but also it means so much that you just listen each and every week.

SPEAKER_04 48:43

And we truly do appreciate your support in any form that you can give it.

SPEAKER_01 48:49

And thank you so much for listening. Be on the lookout for our next episode coming out July 8th. We will see you then. Goodbye.

SPEAKER_05 48:59

Oh yeah, he's got a little caller. His name's Mr. Whisker.