Morning Routine, Going Home & Why I Revert to Old Patterns Every Time

It's been a few weeks because I was back in my hometown for a family wedding, and this episode is the honest reflection that came out of it.

Losing my routine for five days reminded me just how much my morning practice holds me together. And being back around family reminded me how easy it is to slip into an older version of yourself, even when you've done a lot of work on that.

In this episode:

• Why going home feels so tiring, even when you love it, and what your morning routine actually does for your nervous system
• Not drinking at a family wedding for the first time, the inner narrative that followed and how I worked through it
• Why we revert to old patterns around people who've known us our whole lives and why that's okay
• How breathwork helps you move through discomfort without having to think your way out of it
• Celebrating your friends' wins without envy and what it means if you can't yet
• The uncomfortable in-between phase of growth, the loud projector mind, and why staying in the learning is the work right now

If this episode brought something up and you're ready to go deeper into your own blueprint, I work 1:1 through Decoded — Human Design and Astrology sessions designed to help you understand your energy and stop working against yourself.

→ baldwin.com/decodedsession

Transcript

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The Honesty Podcast is a space for women who know that they're meant for a life that's full of magic, excitement, and wonder. If you're ready to reconnect with your power and listen to that inner knowing that says you're meant for more, grab a tea, take a breath, and let's begin. Hi and welcome to the Honesty Podcast. It's been a few weeks since I recorded my last podcast because I did a visit back to where I grew up. I had a family wedding. And so this morning I thought, do you know what? I'm just gonna journal on what I really want to talk about during this episode. And I really am finding my flow with this podcast as to what I want it to be about, where I want to take it. And I think for me, it's really important that people learn something through what I'm saying. So I like to reflect on lessons I've learned or things that have come up, key moments for me where I'm like, I've learned something during that time. So I feel like it'd be really interesting to share it with my audience, and hopefully you resonate with what I'm saying and you learn something from this episode. But so yeah, one thing I wrote down was that when I go back to my hometown, I love seeing family so much. I really enjoy catching up with people, but I find it really tiring, and a big part of that reason is that I've created such a healthy routine in my life in Edinburgh, and I look after myself and I'm really proud of that. And when I go back to my hometown, it's very fast-paced. Trying to see loads of people in a short amount of time. I definitely feel more tired, I'm talking a lot, I don't have these moments to just rest and recoup. And also because I am so busy, I'm in other people's houses, my morning routine's off, and it's a nice reflection actually to realise just how important spending 20-30 minutes in the morning before doing anything else has a huge benefit on the way that I show up during the day, how my thoughts are during the day, my energy, my feelings, emotions, all of the things because by taking that time out, even just this week, I just feel like a different person, and it was I was like back seeing family for maybe five or six days, and just not having that time to connect with my inner world made a big difference, and I think even leading up to going back to see family, I was in a bad mood, and when I thought about that when I was in the bad mood, I was just like because I know that I'm not going to be able to look after myself in the same way that I do in my everyday life in Edinburgh, and maybe that's a boundary I need to set when I do go up and see family and friends, but I do think that we almost revert into the old versions of ourselves when we're around people who've known us our whole lives, and it's just a process, it's a learning curve, it's just something that is, and I think when we put a lot of our pressure on ourselves to turn up in a you know in a different way, it can also then be just something else we're beating ourselves up about in that process. Like I'm at peace with the fact that when I go back, I do go into old habits and ways of being, and yeah, with time that might change, but also my grandparents are in their 80s, they love waking up and having a big natter, and we sit and we have our coffee morning together, as opposed to me spending my first hour of the day journaling, meditating, doing breath work, connecting to my yeah, inner world, myself, and these moments with my grandparents aren't gonna be forever, so sometimes I'm just like, you know what? It is what it is, like I love them so much, and spending that time means the world to them, it means the world to me, so it is what it is. But when I do have that for a solid five or six days, it's definitely taxing, and I really feel it coming back to Edinburgh. So I needed a week just to rest, recoup. I had some big work things on as well, some really amazing calls in my human design and astrology, so yeah, it was a big energetic couple of weeks to be honest. But upon reflection, I did note some things down about the fact that making my routine in Edinburgh very centred around my well-being has changed so much for me. And it was something that I was maybe a little bit embarrassed about. You know, I've stopped drinking, that's been a big thing. I went to a family wedding, I haven't had a drink since Christmas Day of last year, and this was the first time I was around family that do drink, and usually I'd be the one with a prosecco in hand, and the conversation would be flowing because we'd all be drinking together, and I didn't have that safety net this time. I just had to own the fact that I really don't want to drink anymore, and I found it easy, and I was really proud of myself for the fact that I actually really didn't want to have a drink, but there comes these, I suppose, like the inner narrative around am I being boring? Like, do people want to chat to me as much because we don't have this thing in common anymore? And you know, all of the internal dialogue that starts to come in when the mind starts to become really active, and yeah, I just had to assess that as well and think I need to just love and accept who I am wholly, and if other people can't do that, even if they are family, even if we are really close, then that's not a me problem, that's the them problem, and you know, unconditional love is unconditional love. So the people in my life are meant to be here, and it's sort of just accepting that if there's distance, there's distance, and that's not a fault of mine. Obviously, I still can talk and have a conversation and have a laugh, and I'm not somebody who needs a drink to be able to do that, so I enjoyed myself and it was really nice to see everybody, but yeah, even reflecting on that of my journey with drink and yeah, just the fact that I do go to the gym and eating healthy is a big priority for me, looking after my mind, my body, my soul, the fact that I'm doing a breathwork qualification and I'm very holistic in my everyday life. I noticed that there was a little niggle of oh, what if people think this is really boring, or talking about this on the podcast again, like what are people gonna think? And it's benefiting my life in such a huge way because I want an elevated life, I want to feel joy every single day, I want to be grateful for the small mundane moments, I want to appreciate the people in my life, I want to grow a business and prioritize myself, and I don't honestly think I could do this if I wasn't also putting things like my body, what I eat, how I show up for myself as a number one priority in my life. But I do think that it's very different to the way that I grew up, so it can bring things up when I go back to my hometown. I do think growing up for me, there were many masks that I put on, even with friends. You know, it's such a huge moment in time is when you're at school and you're engaging with different people, and the the thought of being bullied or meeting boys, and everybody has certain feelings about that time, whether it be good or bad. And I think as I evolve, like I used to really struggle with thinking about growing up and where I grew up, and it was a bit of a trigger for me, and then I made total peace with it, and and there's but there's still something there where that that I'm working through, but I think we have to really love and own where we grew up, how we grew up, because there's nothing we can do to change it. If we can't accept and love everything about ourselves, including times in our lives that were difficult, then I think it makes this healing journey a lot more difficult. And I think that's why I love breath work so much as well, because we you don't have to really think about what you've gone through, that's tough. It just sort of moves through the body, like the body-mind system just knows what to what energy to move, what memories to move, what feelings to change. It's an incredible modality to incorporate into everyday life. So if you also resonate with this and yeah, just doing even like 10 minutes of breath work in the morning, just see if it changes how you are feeling and thinking going into uncomfortable situations, seeing certain people, going back to certain places, like I've I've found it has really helped me. And then another thing I wanted to talk about was coming back to Edinburgh. I mean, I was already really grateful during that drive. I love seeing the Scotland sign. This really does feel like home now. It is amazing to reflect on that as well, of just this gratitude I have when I'm coming back to Edinburgh and the people in my life here as well. Um, I just have so much love in my heart for my friends in Edinburgh. And one of the things I really think is important when we are cultivating friendships is to celebrate other people for their successes and not be triggered by it and resentful of them or envious of them. I think you know, if you have envy over someone in your life who's doing really well, that's just a sign for you to work on that thing. That has nothing to do with that person. So then I mean there have been moments where I'm like, oh, do you know what that's so amazing? Like I would really love that. And I've gone away and journaled on it and thought, okay, well, what about that thing do I really want in my own life and how what am I going to do to get myself there as well? But just feeling that love and generosity and just absolute awe and wonder for people who are doing well and have successful businesses are reaching milestones and are just so happy. Like sharing that happiness and joy with them is super important if you want good relationships in your life. And so this week I had a friend who had done incredibly well in her business, and I went and booked a restaurant. There was four of us when even going and getting a card beforehand, the lady at the desk was like, Oh, and what are you doing this evening? And I was like, My best friend has had her most successful year in business, and me and the gals are going out to celebrate, and that just felt amazing to say because we really should be lifting people up anyway. I hate keyboard warriors, but especially the people in your life, go and celebrate them, be happy for them, ask how the days are going because it's just so important to be there in the same way that we want people to be here for us. And if you don't have people in your life that are asking you these same questions, then again it's a great time to reflect whether you're surrounding yourself with the right people. But I do think you also need to turn up as that person. If you say you're gonna be somewhere, be there. If you want people to celebrate you, celebrate them. It's just it's incredibly important, and not from a fake place. If you find yourself unable to have this open heart towards people in your life, that is a great place to like hone in on in a daily practice. Okay, why am I not able to feel happy for my friends or family? And let's work on that, let's do some healing around that so that you can have this open heart and just this energy of pure or and being proud and being supportive for the people in your life. Life's more joyful that way, anyway. It's nice to be able to celebrate, just saying. This also had me reflecting on where I'm at with my business this week because I think it's always nice as well to be able to look at how other people are doing and be like, okay, and where am I at? And right now I'm just in this stage of growth and it's fucking uncomfortable, but I'm again grateful for it because I'm growing. I am learning new things, I'm putting myself out there, doing this podcast, and I'm also not at a phase where I can go full pelt into where I want to take my business because I'm still learning and growing, and I have an idea now of where I want to be in one year, two years' time, but right now I just need to let things evolve in the way that they are meant to without force. Oh, little hair in my eye, and that's uncomfortable actually, and I just find my mind becoming really loud when I am feeling uncomfortable, and saying things like, Oh, I need to be discussing astrology and human design a lot more than I am, I need to be way more visible, I need to be taking more action, and actually, I am a busy bee, I am learning a lot. I am six months into a 12-month breathwork course, which is a trauma-informed breathwork course, so there's a lot to learn, and yeah, I want to give it everything, and in order to do that, I need to just settle into the fact that this is where I'm at, and when the the mind starts becoming really loud and telling me that I'm not working enough, which is a not-self-behaviour of a projector in human design, which is what I am. It can be when we're not working hard enough because that's what society tells us to do, or the mind does become really loud. So I've just been dropping into the body a lot over the last week and just being like, okay, I'm learning, I am doing something every day. I have a job that I need to go to that pays my bills, I want to record this podcast and edit it and put that out in the world, and I also don't want to force being ahead of where I'm at now. Because I honestly believe that I have been put on this earth for a higher purpose than to just live a human experience. I feel like I'm here because I'm meant to heal other people. I have a very positive outlook on life, and I do think that with all the negativity going on, I'm here to show other people that it's okay to be happy and to follow our dreams and desires and inspirations and that it's safe to do that. We're not horrible people for wanting that and going after that. I also want to be somebody who holds space for processing emotions, for releasing trauma, for being able to let go and shed this old skin of what we think is possible in this life and to step into this new realm of possibilities, which is what I'm going through personally as well. I'm not talking the talk, I am walking the walk right now in this moment. It's something I'm working on every single day. But I'm in the moment, I am still trudging through the mud, as they say. So whilst I'm here and I'm learning and I'm embodying what I want to put out into the world, I just need to be at peace. That's where I'm at. And by going through this journey in 12 months when I'm working one-to-one with clients, it's going to be so beautiful and so impactful because I didn't rush, or try and redirect my focus when actually where I need to be right now is fully in the work so that I can turn up as the best facilitator I could possibly be next year. And yes, I have my human design and astrology, I'm still learning that all the time as well. Because I feel like you can never learn enough, like there's just so much depth and information with that. But I think that that's just like a small piece of what I really want to do in this world. So rather than put all of my energy into it and be like, okay, I need to be out there marketing and marketing and talking about it, and I really need to have people to see me as this astrologer and human design expert, like I know I'm good, and when I'm with people, it really has impact, but it's not the bigger picture, the bigger picture is just this incredible intense work I want to do with people, and I'm not there yet, and that's okay. So if you are also in a position where you are learning, but you feel like you're not as far as you should be, or there's just this external pressure to be making loads of money and doing more. Sometimes we just have to be in the learning and embodying. And by fully focusing and placing our attention there, we it's like the caterpillar into the butterfly. We can become who the the true highest version of who we want to be because we allowed all of these limiting beliefs and false narratives to move away. You know, I don't think we need to work really, really hard in this world to make impact or to be successful. I think we have to focus our attention and give 100% to whatever we're doing. But this working for the sake of working to show that you've clocked 10 hours in a day when someone else somebody else has done four is just bullshit. I think that if we are in alignment with God, source, universe, whatever you believe in, and we are in our full authentic selves and operating from alignment, that the work will be as much as it is. We just know what to do because we're following our intuition. But by in order to get to that point, we need to tune in and shut out the noise and just know that even if it doesn't make sense, our intuition is guiding us, and that's where I'm at right now. And it's uncomfortable, it can feel overwhelming at times, especially if I haven't had a day to properly check in with myself, or we're all on our own journey, it can impact, and the reality is I'm just I am where I'm at, and that's beautiful as well. So yeah, I'm gonna stop here because yeah, I just feel like it's nice having these bite-sized podcast episodes. I like to listen to other people, and I think sometimes if it can go too long, then I'm just waffling for the sake of waffling. Why would I do that? So, yeah, I hope you have enjoyed this and taken a few nuggets away. If there's anything you ever want me to discuss or maybe go a little bit deeper on, then I'd love to hear from you. Just put a comment in the below comment section and I will write that down for the next episode. I also am gonna be doing more events with my best friend in Edinburgh doing breathwork intuitive flower painting. So we've got a wait list already building. We're in talks with different locations. If that sounds like something you'd be really interested in, then pop your name on the wait list. Link is in the description, and I will see you in the next episode. I work with women who know that they're meant for more. If that's you, you'll find everything you need in the show notes.