do i trust God?

Can Christians struggle with anxiety and still trust God?

This is a different kind of episode. No studio, no guest, no filter.
Just Denis at 11pm in his mom's workroom, being honest about
something he's been carrying for months: Christian anxiety,
double-mindedness, and the real struggle to trust God through
internship rejections, pressure, and a mind that won't stop.

He talks about staying up until 2am, feeling the weight of school,
a part-time job he's praying every day is his last, and a job market
that keeps sending rejection emails. He locked himself in the bathroom
and read the entire book of James. The first paragraph stopped him
cold, being double-minded, one side believing God, the other in
complete disarray. That's exactly where he's been.

This isn't polished. There's no clean ending. Just an honest look at
what it actually looks like to walk with Christ when your mind won't
quiet down, and why trusting God can feel impossible even after He's
proven Himself time and time again.

If you're a Christian struggling with anxiety, or anyone asking
whether God actually has a plan, this one's for you.

———
🎙️ UNTUCK YOUR CROSS
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and daily life — all through a bold, honest, faith-first lens.
New episodes every other Tuesday.

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Transcript

Christian Anxiety

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Untuck Your Cross. My name is Dennis, and today is a different kind of episode. As you can see, I am not in the studio today. I'm in my mom's workroom at the house that I live at. The reason for this kind of switch up for my normal stuff is I've been thinking about recording some more vulnerable and raw conversations, and I haven't known to this point how to go about that. I think I I can record individual episodes in the studio, and obviously those look amazing from the one that I've done before, but I think it's just the the distance between that studio and having to record it and you know get to the location kind of stops me from being able to have more of a raw conversation with you guys. And if you guys don't know yet, the main thing that I want out of this podcast is to be able to for me to be able to be as vulnerable as possible about my walk with Christ because a lot of the stuff that you see online, at least all a lot of the stuff I see online, a lot of it is filtered, and some of my podcast is filtered. Uh, I definitely try to make it look as as nice as I can without losing any of the context or the um the real and raw uh version of it, but there's definitely some things that get lost uh in that translation. And recently, honestly, the last couple months, it's just been a lot on my mind that I feel like I haven't been able to properly communicate on the podcast, and I'm hoping I can do that tonight. It's 11 o'clock. I have school tomorrow, I have to be there at 8 a.m. And uh, but I feel like it's important for me to be able to just put this put this out for myself. I don't know whether or not I'll put it out. I hope I do, uh, and I hope that it's something that you guys are able to learn from and just seeing like the just my real walk with Christ. Um so I'll I'll stop beating around the bush. The thing I wanted to talk about specifically was where my mind at and my heart has been in regards to peace in the Lord and trust in the Lord. I would love to say I'm the person who is not anxious and is always at peace and has full trust in the Lord, but that would be a lie. I am I am a person who is just constantly struggling with anxiety, and that is just the real um yeah, that is just the reality of what goes on in my head, and I think as I've kind of pondered what my life was like before Christ, and a lot of that was in addiction and kind of coping with some of the stuff I wasn't fully aware about myself, and specifically my my brain and my thoughts. I've realized that since I've stopped smoking weed, just how loud my mind can be, and how much I tend to overthink, and that can lead to anxiety and and stress, and trying to analyze every situation on every possible different route, whether or not that's good or bad, and then I'll find myself focusing on the bad and get paralyzed and just get to a spot where I don't know what to do, and it is draining, and it is. Um maybe not as intentional as I wanted to, because I I do read it, my word every day, or or his word every day, but oftentimes it's if not all the time, is at the very end of the night, um, and it's like one chapter, and I'm like half asleep reading it. And you may be wondering what are the things I'm stressing about. Um, I I stress about the workload that I've I have. I have again, I have school, a part-time job, I want to quit, and I every day that I'm there, I hope it's my last day. But I should be counting as a blessing because there's a lot of people my age who don't have a job, regardless if they like it or not. Everything with with school and and and the club that I help manage, it's been it's been a lot of pressure and and a huge uh uh workload. But these are all things that I've signed up, and so part of me believes it's a it's a it's a uh a blessing and a privilege to have this pressure that you know everybody keeps saying it's it's a pr it's a privilege to have the pressure of something that you you asked for, and I signed up for that and I know that, and but part of me, especially behind closed doors, just feels like I can't hold up that pressure. Uh, but I don't have a choice in in falling away or or or giving up. I like at I don't I don't even have a choice of doing that. Like there's too many people who I am helping uh lead or promises that I've made that it's not a choice in regards to just not fulfilling that that pressure. Um I'm I'm in my third year at school right now, and right now I've been applying to a bunch of internships and jobs for the summer, praying to God that I'm able to be done with the restaurant biz industry. Um, because I've been there for four years now, and I'm ready to move on into something in marketing or something that I feel God is calling me to, and something that I feel can actively work towards the goals and ambitions that I believe God has put in me on my heart. And yes, I'm able to do that through the podcast 100%, but I think it's I'm also just looking for it for an internship. I need it for school, and um I need money to be able to fund this as well. And I also just want to feel like I'm making steps in my life and where other people might say I I am making steps towards something positive in my life. Behind closed doors, it's it I don't feel like that, and I don't know if that's just like an unrealistic pressure that I put on myself. Um I don't know, and I've been applying internships almost every night. Um, and I have an Excel sheet of every single one of them that has either not responded to me or has, you know, and I keep getting emails of another internship that I got rejected from, and one side of me wants to trust God that I know that if there's he if he has a plan um that he's gonna get me to the place that he wants me to get there. But at a certain point when you've had so many internship rejections, it is just such a depressing feeling because you don't know if I'm doing things right, and I feel like I've set myself up to be able to send out. But man, is that like that market competitive? And I I know that prayer is a powerful thing, and maybe God is just teaching me patience right now. But I I don't know, it it I just my mind goes on a whirlwind of what am I doing, doing wrong. There's the verse of like be still and know that I am God and I'm anything but still. I think so much of me wants to have control that is realistically, is stuff that God is supposed to be in control, is in control, but there's this flesh side of me that wants to have it in control of like myself and my own future, and that causes me anxiety. And I was reading James today, I just I just locked myself in the bathroom and I just read James from cover uh cover to cover, and one of the first first paragraphs talked about um being double-minded. And man, if there is something that you wanted me to describe me as is double-minded, is that there's there's one side of me that believe believes and trusts in God, and the other side of me that is just in complete disarray and feel like I'm about to like break down in any minute. Um and I I don't know I don't know what exactly I'm hoping to get out of saying all this. I guess I just want to if I do put this out, I just want for the person who is a follower of Christ, or maybe even if you're not a follower of Christ, um, and you are like me, and you are double-minded, and you do go through anxiety, um, and you do have a burden of overthinking, because man, like um, I don't think anybody would want to live in my head sober for a day, because I don't think there would be many people who would be able to not go crazy. I and I say that because I'm actively going crazy inside like every single day, and I'm just doing everything I can to just hold myself together, and some days are better than others, man, but at night when I'm alone, like that stress is just always there about am I doing enough? And there's am I am I working enough for the Lord? Am I stewarding my gifts and my opportunities and the doors that he's putting me in in the proper way? Um or am I trying to control too much? Um somebody somebody told me or I saw it on TikTok once that pray as if it's all up, all in pray as if it's all in the hands of God, and work as if it's all in your hands. And I feel like I live like that every single day, and I'm always putting everything to prayer, regardless if I'm anxious or not. I'm always going to prayer, whether or not that's like small prayers throughout the day, or whether or not that's on my knees at the at the end of the night, or asking for prayer uh from my friends and my family. But then there's the other side of me that is staying up until 2 a.m. doing work, whether or not that's for school, or whether or not that's the podcast, because I feel like if I don't do that, I am not doing the the opportunities and the gifts that God has given me justice. And then there's the other side of me that knows that I will never be able to do that justice because I'm a perfect and and broken person and sinful person, and I don't think that God expects perfection in stewarding his gifts, and maybe it's just me being really harsh on myself, and there's the other side of me that just thinks that I am just I can't even think that because I'm just not doing like at all close to what God wants me to do, or that he's called me to a specific purpose, and me accepting that, this is what I've signed up, is like I don't know. I don't think that God doing anything for God means no rest. Because I know I'm supposed to rest in him, but I don't know. So many of these things that God has blessed me with are so fulfilling. Um where is that fulfillment? Is a good question. And I want to say that a lot of it is come is fulfillment in Him, and the conversations I'm able to have is uh with other Christians are fulfilling because they helped me grow my own relationship with God, and I hope that them being on the podcast and having a conversation with me, either on the podcast or outside of it, has been able to be fulfilling for them and their own relationship with God. I don't know. I have an interview um this uh this Wednesday coming up, and I I I intentionally wanted to record this before because I don't know what's gonna go on on that interview. It's the first one I've had in in a bit. Um because I just keep getting rejections. Um and I wonder if I do get that job whether or not all of this anxiety is gonna go away. And then I'll I'll think to myself, is that because God has come through again? Or is it and have I is it because God has come through again and provided me with something and a blessing and an answer to prayer? But have I actually grown in my trust in God if He just gives this over to me? I don't know I don't know, and I don't know what honestly what I need to get do or for God needs to do in my life for me to be able to fully trust him with with zero anxiety and full peace over my life. I don't know. I hope I hope it's not something tragic or I don't know, painful. I don't I don't want to do that. I don't want to go through that. I just that's just me being honest. I trust God and I know that he's good and I know that he works for the good of all those who love him, and I do love him but I just know I lack in so much trust and it's undeserved. He God does not deserve my my untrust because he's proven time and time again, and I know he doesn't change. Yeah, I don't know. I just if you're if you're if you're in the same predicament as me, and I'm sure a lot of students are Christian or non-Christian about what you're supposed to do with your life, what's life supposed to be looking like after university, and the job market is horrible, and an internship market is horrible, your degrees with everything going on in this world feel a little bit less valued or meaningless at this point. I understand that feeling But I'm just gonna tell you the same thing that I tell myself, and that is just regardless of whatever anxiety you're feeling and I'm feeling, is just to never stop going back to prayer. The same way that let Job after everything that he went through, uh even if he was mad at God, like he continued to be in conversation with God. And that's what I'm trying to, that's what I'm holding on to. That's all I have to hold on to. Is that is that promise that God loves me and that he has a plan for me, even if I don't see it right now. And I know that he deserves my trust, and he deserves your trust. I think that's gonna be it for me tonight. Um Thank you for listening. Um and if you're going through something similar, uh just know that I'm just know that I'm praying for you, that God loves you, and that you can trust God. Um until next time. Until next time, stay bold and stay blessed. Thank you.