Letting Go of Who You Had to Be

When a relationship ends or your career changes…
it’s not just your life that shifts—it’s your identity.

In this episode of The Bestie Space, Nicole explores the quiet, often overlooked part of transformation: letting go of the version of yourself you had to become to survive.

Because that version of you?
She was necessary. She was strong. She got you through.

But she may not be who you’re meant to be moving forward.

In this episode, we talk about:

• The identity tied to relationships and careers
• Why letting go can feel like grief
• The difference between survival roles and your true self
• How to begin releasing what no longer serves you

💛 Bestie Reflection:
Where in your life are you still being who you had to be… instead of who you want to be?

✨ Let’s stay connected, Bestie!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the bestie space. I'm a house to call. Breakthrough guide, coach, and woman tell us what it's like to feel stuck, burned out, and the need of a friend. This podcast is your soft place to land and your strong place to rise. We're talking real life healing, emotional empowerment, and how to move forward when life feels like it cracked you open. So grab a coffee, take a deep breath, and listen in to some real talk, Bestie. I'm here for you. Hello, besties. I wanted to talk to you all today about something that sounds pretty simple, but actually feels heavy. And that is letting go of who you had to be. And maybe you haven't thought about it this way. I've had a lot of inner work that I've been doing on just reflection and where my life is going. I've um spoken to y'all about a lot of changes that I've had the past three years. I had a big career change. Um I also lost my father from Alzheimer's and dementia. And so I've really been challenged to go through those seasons, but now um I'm like, who who am I? Who was I? And what's next? And so if you haven't listened to the last couple episodes, I highly recommend um that you go back and kind of ask yourself similar questions and then how do we live in that in-between? But today I want to talk to you about letting go of who you had to be. Because if you've gone through a relationship ending or a divorce or even a big career change, you might feel like you're not just losing something external, but that you are losing a version of yourself too. That that's part of your identity. And that version of you could have easily been the one who held everything together, who showed up no matter what, who pushed through even when it was unimaginably hard. And you likely did what was expected, you kept going even when you were tired and exhausted. And I want to say something right away. That version of you, she is not someone to be ashamed of. She is not something that you need to rush past, and she is not someone that you need to forget. Okay, you do not need to forget all of those experiences. That person is who got you to this point in your life right here. Here's what I want to really talk to you, though, because I don't I don't feel like anyone prepares us for this like life changing and identity changing. Like when that relationship ends, or when you are stepping away from a career that has been a big chunk of time, it's not just your life that is changing, it is your identity. And so maybe in that relationship you were the partner who held it all together, or the one who always compromised, or hello, the one who kept trying and kept trying and kept trying, or maybe in your career you were the high performer, you were the one who went above and beyond, the reliable one, the one who never dropped the ball. And now, without those specific rules, you might be sitting here thinking, Well, who am I, right? Like, who who am I now? So the part that we don't talk about is that there's often this this period of grief, and it might not be a loud grief, it might just be a quiet grief, and it's not just for what ended, right? So it's not the oh, you know, I'm I'm sad because I no longer have my partner, or I'm sad because I no longer have that job or that career, but it's the grief for who we were while we were in that stage of life. Because even if it was hard, and even if it wasn't fully aligned with what it should have been, that version of you was familiar. She knew how to navigate that space, toxic or not, she knew how to navigate it, and she knew what was expected of her, and letting go of her that can feel like stepping into a giant unknown abyss. So I want to offer you this perspective. You became who you needed to be in order to survive that season of your life. You became who you needed to be to survive that season of your life, and not because that's your forever identity, it's because of what got you through those days, those years, that time. So maybe you became stronger than you wanted to be, and maybe you became more independent than you had ever planned, or maybe you needed to become more self-reliant, then that actually felt good. Those were your adaptations, that was not your full identity. So letting go of who you had to be doesn't mean that you're rejecting her. It means that you are honoring her, but you are not living there anymore. You don't have to keep being the one who overfunctions or the one who carries everything. You do not have to keep being the one who sacrifices yourself just because that's who you had to be before. So instead of asking yourself, which I have done, and I'm sure you probably have too, why did I become that version of myself? I want you to ask yourself this instead. What did that version of me need that she wasn't getting? Because underneath that version of you was still you. You still needed support, honesty, rest. You needed to feel seen. So there comes a moment where you realize you don't have to keep proving how strong you are, you don't have to keep showing up in the same way, and you do not have to keep carrying things that no longer belong to you. You get to set them down, but letting go of all of that it requires trust and not necessarily trusting other people, sometimes it does, but a lot of that trust comes from trusting yourself and that you don't need to actually be that version anymore, and trusting that you are actually allowed to evolve in oh my goodness, you are allowed to choose differently. Where in your life are you still being who you had to be instead of who you want to be? Is it in a relationship? Is it at work? Is it just how you show up for others? And I want you to ask yourself, what would it feel like to let a small part of that go? Not everything, just one piece. You, Bestie, you're not losing yourself. It a hundred percent probably feels like you are, but but you're not, I promise you that. You are actually releasing a version of you that carried you through something very hard, very challenging, very sad, very stressful. That version of you, she did her job. Oh my gosh, she did her job amazingly and beautifully, and so incredibly like just you did more than you needed to do. But Bessie, you don't have to be her forever. You get to become someone who feels lighter, who feels more like herself, who doesn't have to carry everything alone. And that doesn't take away from who you were. It honors her by letting you grow. And if you are ready to start letting go, you can always connect with me through the links in the show notes. You do not have to figure this out alone. Thanks, besties. Thank you so much for being here in the bestie space. If this episode spoke to you, make sure that you send it to a friend or share it on social and take me. Coffee underscore n underscore gratitude. Please also consider leaving me a five-star review. It helps us grow the bestie space community, and I will be forever grateful. And remember, you got this. It's not therapy, medical advice, or a substitute for professional support. If you need help, please reach out to a licensed provider or a crisis resource in your area.