BYS - In the Studio - Nayoung Ryoo Scheffler

Fun moments in the studio this episode as my daughter-in-law joins me in a discussion on protecting children and her marriage. 

Nayoung came to America, from Korea, to attend high school and college, met my oldest son, Jake, got married, and they are now expecting their first child.  She discusses some of the differences between Korean and American school systems, and some of the pitfalls in a bi-cultural marriage. 

Nayoung is planning to bear her shield for both Jake and her child by the lessons learned through her international experiences.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:33

I'm your host, Ron Scheffler, and I have a special guest in the studio today, my daughter Nation. Welcome, Nanion. Thanks for coming in today.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Hello.

SPEAKER_02 0:43

Everything going alright? You got a little few extra pounds today on you. What's happening?

SPEAKER_01 0:50

Yes, I am currently 37 weeks pregnant. And yeah, my due date is April 11th. It's coming up pretty soon.

SPEAKER_02 0:58

Yeah, so excited. Can't wait to meet the little guy. So when we start out, uh Nyang, so you're not an American citizen. You're you came all the way from Korea to be on the show today. Um I'm teasing, but no, you married you married Jake, our oldest son here. Um you guys have been married for six years now, right? Yeah. First child on the way. Um tell me for our Korean listeners out there, where where are you from in Korea?

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Well, I moved around a lot, but currently my parents are in Paju. It's very close to North Korea, actually. Uh about 30 minutes from DMZ. And I've lived in Incheon, Jinju, Gyonggi, many places because my dad was in Air Force.

SPEAKER_02 1:47

Okay, so all over all over the country. Yes. Okay. So you're familiar you're kind of used to moving around. Um not an uh I guess an Air Force brat we could call you almost, right? So that might explain some things here for our family gatherings. Um so tell me a little bit, like how long ago did you come to the United States?

SPEAKER_01 2:07

Um, I came to the States in January 2014. So it's been 12 12 years, I think. That's hard to believe.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

And like you so you came uh and you came for school. Did whose choice was it? Was it your choice? Was it your parents' prodding?

SPEAKER_01 2:30

Um, yeah, I would say it was my choice, but um my parents asked me first. It was never like in my head, like, oh, I want to study abroad. My parents, um, even when I was in elementary school, they asked me, like, what do you think about studying abroad to broaden your perspective of the world? And my dad is a uh pilot, and so my parents, they've always wanted me to like study English and to learn more about cultures and different parts of the world. So yeah, they asked me first, but it was my choice. Like I made a decision to come to the States, and I don't know, I thought it would be fun, and I was nervous and like anxious about it, but I I also maybe didn't want to disappoint my parents a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 3:24

So there's always a level of that when you're a kid, right? Yeah, you know, so you didn't, you know, with your dad um being in the air force and moving around a bit, there wasn't been a lot of dust settling, so to speak, on on your family. You've moved around a little bit and things like that. Um I kind of wonder um with with him traveling around, certainly that that gave him some confidence or comf comfortability, I guess would be the right word uh for to kind of ask you about coming over here. Um but you came to school and you came over and that was middle school or high school that you came for?

SPEAKER_01 4:00

Uh I was a junior in high school.

SPEAKER_02 4:02

Junior in high school, okay. And um so your parents were were probably supportive, right? You said they kind of asked you and what was there? Do you know was there a driving force that said you should go and this is why? Was it just world experience or yeah, I think Yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

Like they just wanted me to learn English. I think that was like their main reason. And I at the time I was already in like an international school, so I was studying in English, like taking classes in English and whatnot, even though I didn't speak English at all. And so they were like, Well, we're paying about this much tuition here, and we would be paying the same amount if you went to this school in Florida, so why don't we try that? So there was that aspect too.

SPEAKER_02 4:56

Yeah, and you said you're, you know, to learn English, and I think your English is pretty good. But thank you. I'm gonna let out a little secret that you told us in that sometimes if you do not want to talk to somebody, you say that you don't understand English too well.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

So sometimes I just smile and I'm like nodding.

SPEAKER_02 5:15

Well, I think that's safe and that's fair. We all want some of our private space. Um so you're excited about coming over?

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Yeah, I mean, I was excited, but I was also nervous, especially about flying here, like without knowing the language. It's a little bit scary flying alone, um, having to carry like these huge suitcases.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

So mom and dad didn't come with you when you first came. It was just you. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Just me.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Load it up on the plane, get out. I see how that goes. Yeah. So um, so tell me about the school experience here in the United States. So you went to Florida, is that right, for high school?

SPEAKER_01 5:58

Yes, yeah. So it was uh very strict uh Christian high school in Florida, and I was there from the second semester of my junior year, and I graduated there.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

Okay, so and whereabouts in Florida roughly, do you remember the area?

SPEAKER_01 6:17

Uh Pensacola. Pensacola. So where that Bible belt is.

SPEAKER_02 6:21

Did you have Bible classes? Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

Yep. We had to go to these uh worship services and Bible class. We had to memorize verses, like I believe it was weekly. In English? Yes. Okay. Yeah. So I remember walking to the school with a little note card, like just memorizing.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

Well, that's great. When so um when you before you came, you were you're a good student, right? You had were you an A student in Korea before you came over here?

SPEAKER_01 6:52

I think I've always tried my best to study and whatnot, but before I was in that international school that I just mentioned, I was in like a music specialized high school for about a semester. And when I was there, my focus was only music.

SPEAKER_02 7:10

So truth is coming out now, mom and dad, in case you listen later.

SPEAKER_01 7:15

So, like English class or science class, I sometimes would just like nap on the desk and just yeah, music was my focus then. And when I went to the international school, I was like, oh no, like I'm not gonna be able to get good grades. So I had to really try.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

Well, we know you're a hard worker, especially in school, because we got uh we had the privilege of coming to your um college graduation, and that was really cool to to see that. And you were near the top of your class, if I recall right. So you did something right along the way. Um, but yeah, I uh you know it's nice to nice to hear the the differences, but you've done really well on your own. You've you have a strong personality, I feel. Um and then so now you you now you come to high school, and how did you do in high school United States though? Was it difficult without learning the language? Did you feel extra burden coming here?

SPEAKER_01 8:13

Yeah, even though I studied in an international school and the classes were in English, like I really didn't understand much. And especially Florida, I think their accent was very strong too. Oh, sure. I remember my English teacher um junior year, she talked very fast. So I remember like looking around, like if my peers like flip a page, I I do the same thing, just pretending like I know what I'm doing, and like if they start writing something, I just scribble random words on the book. So I did not do well at all, like the first quarter semester or so. Like I remember getting like straight F's on quizzes and tests and stuff, and that school had lots of pop quiz too. So that was fun. Like, I tried so hard to like study and everything, but because I joined like during the second semester, I think I I can be a perfectionist in a like negative way, maybe like I stressed myself a little bit, so I felt like I had to study from the beginning of the unit instead of like catching up where we were at the time. And so that didn't work well. Like I kept getting F's, and so I'm like, oh, I can't keep doing this because my grades like junior year is probab very important in like college applications, and so I started studying where we were, and I started getting like okay, 60s, D's and C's, and so um yeah, I remember that.

SPEAKER_02 9:57

Yeah, and you know, I I feel bad for you hearing this now for the first time. Like I just assumed like you kind of came here and you were Uber smart to begin with, and you're just learning the language, and so you would just naturally kind of succeed here as well. Um, so you had you were kind of behind behind the eight ball, so to speak, as uh as we say, and then you had to catch up and plus do well. Um were you in touch with your folks at the time and telling them about your grades? Like or were you kind of like maybe not telling them what you were getting?

SPEAKER_01 10:31

I don't remember telling them like oh I got F or I got D or something like that, but I do remember telling them like I am struggling, but I am trying hard. And um yeah, I just remember telling them we have a curfew slash like light up time or we had as an international student, we had to live in a dorm where the college students were living in, and they yeah, they had to turn the lights off like at 10 p.m. So I remember like not being able to finish homework and test stuff, studying for tests. So I went into the bathroom like trying to finish um because the lights were off and I couldn't continue. So like I would tell them stories like that, and I mean they can't really what what are they gonna say to that, like you got a D or Yeah?

SPEAKER_02 11:29

Yeah, so what um tell me a little bit then. So you you kind of felt like there was a little bit of some pressure, one I would say a lot of pressure from you on you because of the language barrier that you were learning, but then tell me tell us a little bit about um school system in Korea and how maybe you felt it was versus a school in America.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Um I would say in general, I think Korean schools focus a lot more like studying like academically. And I I know there are some schools who uh that are like that here in the States, but I wonder if it's focused more on like extracurricular stuff like round education. I hear that a lot here, but it's not really a thing in Korea, maybe. And so here like a lot of students participate in sports and um music activities, theater, but in Korea, like I we just have general music classes, orchestra, band, they're not really a thing. And yeah, we would run like one lap during PE class, but that's about it. Like no cross cross country teams or no dodgeball team. Yeah, no, no teams like that. We would just play a game in PE, but that's about it. We just focus a lot on studying.

SPEAKER_02 12:59

Okay. And but and your school day, tell me a little bit about your school day. Like how did it how long was it?

SPEAKER_01 13:07

Um, I think for high school, so I didn't go to like the regular public high school in Korea. I went to the music high school and then the international school. But from what I heard from my friends, they would start like I believe 7 a.m. and then it goes till 10 p.m. And it it really depends on like what school you go to, but I know that they have dinner at school, most of them. And um, yeah, they have to have that extra study sessions even after the classes are done in the afternoon.

SPEAKER_02 13:44

Yeah, so that's 15 hours. And you know, our kids here in the United States complain after about six or seven, maybe even earlier than that, I think. Yeah. So it's you would uh is it safe to say that you feel that there's more pressure in the Korean schools versus American schools?

SPEAKER_01 14:02

I think so. Yeah. Like for example, um we have like SAT type of uh test, um like an annual test, but it's a lot more uh competitive and serious, I think. So when there is an annual SAT, like Korean style SAT in November, that's when we have it. Like the airplanes stop flying during like the listening portion. Wow. If your school is near airports, and like I would hear unfortunate news um that students like would end their lives because they didn't think they did well tests. Yeah. So I I yeah, I think it's very competitive.

SPEAKER_02 14:49

Yeah. Um that's that does sound. Did you feel like where did you feel the most pressure to succeed in like Korea? Was it all about getting the grades? Do you feel?

SPEAKER_01 15:00

Or I yeah, I did feel a little pressure getting good grades all so English was my least favorite subject. And on this one test, I got like 30 some points out of hundreds. It was fail. And I remember calling my mom, and she was never like strict about like grades, she was never like scolding me or like getting mad if I didn't get good enough grades or anything like that. But I maybe I just felt that pressure from the society and from the um classes, you know, the competition from your peers and right and I remember because it's like 34, whatever whatever the number was, like I I remember forging it like to 84. Like I drew the other half of it and told my mom, like, yeah, I got 84, and you know, like she didn't really check or anything. She was like, Oh yeah, good job.

SPEAKER_02 16:05

And then so well now she knows. Now she knows how does okay, so now uh we fast forward a few years, you get out of high school and you continue in the United States, you head up to Wisconsin, Stevens Point, where where you met our son Jake. And so now you guys uh you're in a multicultural marriage and you've seen both countries' educational systems. So here uh on the Bob uh Barry Shield Podcast, I kind of feel like in some ways uh being a teacher yourself for a few years here, teaching edu uh string instruments and being in the education system besides as a teacher besides a student, that uh I really feel you'll be protecting your kids. You want to educate your kids and protecting them from maybe the downsides of both uh systems. You know, uh neither one is perfect, but how do you how do you think between you and Jake that you guys will raise your kids or educate them?

SPEAKER_01 17:11

I think we still would have to talk a lot more about it, but when I thought about this question, um I mean like in both countries, even a Christian school, like I did attend a Christian school in like both countries and even even they didn't necessarily protect me from the world or like it didn't help deepening the relationship with God. So like I don't necessarily think like oh I'm gonna send my kids to Christian schools like to protect them. Um I think wherever they go, um the the most important thing is like educating them early, like since they're just babies, maybe just teaching them about God and honestly just like praying that um well and I don't say this like in a passive way, like I mean like as an actively praying every day, like crying out to the Lord to protect them and to know for them to know him more and to have a personal relationship, um so they can make those good choices when they're in a school system. Like I really don't think there's an thing I can do as a parent. Like even yeah, even when I was a teacher, there were a lot of things that we were required to teach. And and I just yeah, if you don't have the foundation from young age, they're gonna be very confused and they're gonna drift away from uh God.

SPEAKER_02 19:02

Sure. I I understand what you're saying, and you know, I I would not think that you would be passive on that because um I know you're a strong believer. Um you actually uh stayed with us for a couple of months. I can't remember how long it was, probably too long for you. I guess it was just you and and mom and I. Uh but Jake was away military for the summer, and I know you you came and stayed. And I just remember one evening I thought I thought you were hurting or you were upset about something, but you were praying passionately, and um I know mom went up to check on you and you were okay, and but I just remember that and I felt bad for interfering with your your passionate prayer, but I would expect you know nothing nothing less from you as a mom to raise your children in the faith. And I'm really happy to hear that as a grandpa, you know.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

So yeah, and also I think um they will learn from like watching me and Jake, like how we have a relationship with God, like how we pray daily, we read the Bible, and like I remember watching my mom, she would I would say she's like a prayer warrior, and like she would go to morning prayer sessions, and she kind of like made my sister and I to go with, and so I remember like in elementary school, I wasn't even praying, I was just sleeping, and she still made us go, and like I just watch her pray, and so that's become like almost like a part of my life. Like, oh, when there are heart things, we pray to God, like so. I think even without like teaching them directly, telling them what to do, like if we live the way um that God wants us to live, I think it'll like maybe the kids will see that from like see it in action.

SPEAKER_02 21:03

Yes, yeah. Yeah, I think that's smart because you know, I remember my um my mom uh would read her Bible on her couch, and I she didn't talk a lot about things from a deep spiritual situation. It was always like, well, that's what you're supposed to do, you know, according to God. But I would see her read the Bible, and that always stuck with me whenever I kind of didn't feel like I wanted to read. I would remember that my mom did, and she at least exemplified reading her Bible. So that's a good memory, a sweet memory that you have of your mom, and that'll that'll sustain you long into the future, and when you become a grandma too, you know, when you think back on that. Yes. Um so uh can we pivot to your marriage? Is that okay? So typically, you know, we we talk about the excitement of a new marriage here in the United States, um, and the reality is that we really should talk about both the excitement and the initial struggles because there's so much so many things that uh couples get into arguments about you know I know like finances are a big thing and you know Jesus talked about finances most than any other subject in the Bible right because he knew that would be a tough one. Um other expectations and things that just kind of crop up. Um but sometimes that first year can be the toughest and being in a multicultural marriage do you think there were things that maybe you're unprepared for that you and Jake weren't necessarily like ready to do dual cultures? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:40

Yes um and Jake and I both thought like oh I think we're good like yeah we're intercultural but we won't have those issues like and yeah we were very wrong. Well first thing that popped up in my hat in my head is obviously communication barrier. Like I speak better English now but even even now there are still misunderstandings like that crum that come from choice of words I use or that he uses and like how we say things and like I wouldn't understand what's being implied when um we're sp talking to each other and sarcasm right yeah so yeah like so especially in the beginning well it's been only six years but like the first couple years I remember like oh my gosh this is really hard and I I know Jake probably had to um be patient with me too because like the way I say certain things come across a little harsh like I know that now um and I didn't mean to hurt him or anything but it's just like you know the translation just some things get lost in translation and it just sounded harsh without meaning to and yeah so definitely communication is a big thing.

SPEAKER_02 24:11

Yeah you know I remember when you came when we met you for the first time Jake brought you home and we saw Jake's car pull up in the driveway and we were wondering okay well here here she comes where we and we knew how we felt about you and so we're waiting and waiting and waiting and we peeked out in the driveway and you know I think mom was like are they making out in the car or something you know and then uh and so then we were peeking out then we're like I'm like get away from the window like what if she's nervous and then we found out that you guys were praying because you really were nervous about meeting us. And I think it was maybe a couple minutes in and you were like oh you guys and Jake are just alike I'm fine. So I I'll cherish that memory because I remember the look on your face when you seem to finally be like oh I'm this is fine.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

Yeah. Yeah because like in Korea you don't really meet your boyfriend's or a girlfriend's family until you're like committed for a marriage or like you're about to discuss a wedding date and so I was I think I was like if maybe more nervous than I yeah I could have been so yeah I remember that.

SPEAKER_02 25:25

Well you might have been a little nervous about it but I think deep down you wanted to you were ready to say yes to him anyways early on I think you guys are both answering towards each other a bit you know early on.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:37

So how are there other things that from maybe um you know specific tips that maybe you can offer others that might be in a similar situation like you and Jake?

SPEAKER_01 25:51

Um I think well what what I do to protect my marriage um is that I I just pour poured it out to God. Like I just pray and I've learned that people will not change their behavior their way of thinking or how they talk that easily and I'm sure many people know that. And and the same goes for me like I didn't know that I was stubborn until I was married to Jake because one time we were like arguing over something silly and I told him like you're so stubborn and he said right back at me like you are too and I just remember being so shocked like I am I am stubborn and yeah like I just I had never thought I was stubborn until that moment so like back to my point like if Jake and I would have an argument or if we're upset at something like I just pray to God like literally as if I would um tell speak to a friend like I would just tell him literally everything like God Jake just said this and I am so upset because of this and I didn't like how he uh spoke to me and don't you think he's a little selfish blah blah blah and like at the end I do add like but God if there's something that I need to change or there's something that I need to fix like please let me know because right now I'm pretty sure Jake's the only one who's at fault and I have not done anything wrong and God is so good and he does teach me and he does make me realize and then like I do apologize to Jake and then like he Jake obviously does the same thing um and so yeah I I think just praying is very important and second thing I um would say is like I try to find my joy um and satisfaction and like love and stuff like mainly from God. Like yes Jake is an amazing husband I am so grateful for him and I was just actually talking to my mom this morning how he's been an amazing husband and like I think he's ready to be a dad because he's been so busy uh lately and he hasn't complained anything like he's been so helpful with all these house chores and yeah just he's been so busy and he's been so helpful so he is an amazing person but we we're all human and we all come short at times like myself obviously so like whenever we see each other at um shortcomings like instead of complaining it instead of complaining about it or comparing it to other husbands or wives like I try to remind that only God is my source true source of joy love and hope and that Jake can't be my savior like he can't fully satisfy my longings and we're just to push and pull each other towards God as brothers and sisters ultimately so that's what I try to remind myself and yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Yeah that's words of wisdom because I think so many people cross cultural marriages or not need to hear those words that you just said about going to God first having him as your friend and praying to him about your situations not going to a friend. Now uh you certainly can you know we're not opposed to going to friends and talking to them but you should go to God first and then the friend should not be a gossiper or uh someone who's going to give you bad advice you know but it should be somebody that you can trust and talk to so I think that's really wise. I'm also glad to hear that he's that you think he's doing well because I hate to put my hands on him so I'm grateful for grateful for that. But yeah there's a lot of wisdom in going to God first. I'm grateful to hear that. That's that's fantastic. Anything else that you'd like to talk about when with the marriage or your child coming up that you'd offer some advice or specific tips for anyone listening?

SPEAKER_01 30:36

I guess just like trying to be more patient with each other uh trying to put each other in um like sacrificing instead of I want this I want that like you need to serve me this way you need to serve me that way um Jesus came to serve us and so if we were to live like him we are to put other people first instead of me being selfish and it is so easier said than done um but I think if you can try to sacrifice what you want and like you try to live the way that Jesus did on the earth like and um follow his way I I I believe that God will bless you and he will help you and we we can't do it with our own strength. Only only through God.

SPEAKER_02 31:48

So yeah I think that's well said and I think that's a great way to end our conversation because you're spot on and I'm so grateful for you being in the studio today and so grateful that you're part of our larger family and that you're also my sister in Christ which is kind of crazy to think about being that you're my daughter a lot too. So we I usually end the conversation with a bear your shield command everybody out there but I think it'd be appropriate now young if maybe you close this and saying bear your shield in Korean so can you let her fly?

SPEAKER_01 32:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:25

Awesome thanks for being here