Beth's Update after her 11/4/25 Episode

Hello, I’m Stacy, the host of Mothers, Lies and DNA Surprises Podcast. Thank you for being here.  

Before I introduce today’s episode I want to share an opportunity to help grow an amazing project for NPEs.  I’m so proud of one of my best friends and fellow NPE for founding this project to grow awareness for NPEs.

The project name is the Faces of NPE Project, which includes faces of NPEs who submit their photo as a visual representation to help grow awareness and open thoughtful, respectful dialogue around our experiences.  

If you choose to participate, you only need to submit once.  Your photo becomes part of an ongoing collage that continues to grow each year.  
Submissions for this year’s project close May 13th, with the release happening in June for NPE awareness month.

If you would like to be included, please email Carmen at photos@facesofNPEproject.com.

Thank you!

Now for today’s episode…..I am sharing Beth’s update from her November 4th episode (episode #5)!  

The key line that I took from our conversation is “I’m so glad you hit send”!!

Someone from one of Beth’s support groups said something that rolled around in her mind, this kind soul said: “You might be the best thing that ever happened to them”.  Beth had a draft she had in her email that sat for months, and a voice in her head kept telling her to send it, just hit send.  Eventually she sent it to her new oldest half-sister. Within 12 hours she received a response, it seemed cold, matter of fact! And I will leave the rest for you to listen to, to hear her tell the story!

“What can be gained from them” – Beth learned that the answer to this sometimes is “everything”.

Just! Hit! Send!

Thank you Beth for sharing your update with all of us!  

Beth’s original episode:

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2531455/episodes/18101293

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:19

Hello, I'm Stacy, the host of Mother's Lies and DNA Surprises Podcast. Thank you for being here. Before I introduce today's episode, I want to share an opportunity to help grow an amazing project for NPEs. I'm so proud of one of my best friends and fellow NPEs for founding this project to grow awareness for NPEs. The project name is The Faces of NPE Project, which includes the faces of NPEs who submit their photo as a visual representation to help grow awareness and open thoughtful, respectful dialogue around our experiences. If you choose to participate, you only need to submit once. Your photo becomes part of an ongoing collage that continues to grow each year. Submissions for this year's project close May 13th, with the release happening in June for NPE Awareness Month. If you would like to be included, please email your photo to Carmen at photos at facesofnpeproject.com. And now for today's episode, I am sharing Beth's update from her November 4th episode, which was episode number five. The key line that I took away from our conversation is, I'm so glad you hit send. Someone from one of Beth's support groups said something that rolled around in her mind. This kind soul said, You might be the best thing that ever happened to them. Beth had a draft she had in her email that sat for months, and a voice in her head kept telling her to send it. Just hit send. Eventually, she sent it to her new oldest half-sister. And within 12 hours, she received a response. It seemed cold, matter of fact. And I'll leave the rest for you to listen to to hear her tell the story. Another quote that you'll hear me reference that Beth said in her first episode was what can be gained from them? And Beth has learned that the answer to this sometimes is everything. Just hit send. Thank you, Beth, for sharing your update with all of us. Well, welcome back, Beth. I'm excited to have you. And for our audience listening, I have not heard the update, but I know you're excited to share it. I'm excited to hear it. You had shared your story for the first time with me last year, and I'll reference that episode in the show notes. So if everybody who's starting this episode has not heard your story or wants a refresher, they can go back and listen to the full episode. But I'm going to turn it over to you and let you kind of give us a recap of that episode and then kind of give us the latest update.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

No problem. Thank you for having me again. I appreciate it. I think it's a good update that's coming.

SPEAKER_06 3:36

Great.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

The original episode, what we talked about was in very, very briefly. We're going to run through this quick. 2019, I bought my kids a 23andMe. They took it. Obviously, everything was the way it should. 2020, they bought one for me. I bought one for my mom and took the test, and it was not right by any means. Started to ask my mother about it. She refused to talk about it, basically shifted the blame, if there's any, to me, just refused to talk about it. She came down on vacation and I said, We need to talk about this. Something is wrong. You know, these numbers are not matching. And just no, started the usual, the tears and the guilt and all of that. And told me I was a horrible daughter. And if her mother were still alive and her mother said the sky were purple, she would say, You're right, mom, it is. And I said, Well, I'm not you, so I'm gonna keep digging. And then, you know, life happens and COVID hit, and and you just you just I don't want to say I forgot about it because it didn't. It was always there, but it wasn't main focus for me. And then in I had gotten emails from not emails, sorry, messages from people that were asking about my mom's side, which was the Polish and the Irish. Sorry, let me back up. I was raised understanding I was Polish, Irish, and Ukrainian. So 25, 25, and 50. And I had gotten messages before people asking about the other side, my mom's side. And I, I mean, I didn't really know too much about that either. And this message came through and it was about my dad's side. So that kind of, you know, got me. And I I went back to she, this woman claimed to be a third cousin. I messaged her back and said, I there's nothing I can tell you. You know, this is what happened, this is what happened with my mom, and this is where we are. I don't know anything. I'm sorry, you know, because she was searching for her side of the family. She said that she had gotten very good at digging and she offered to dig around for me. And I said, sure, no problem. You know, I said, I'm not gonna give you my social security number, but you know, she's like, no, no, no, not like that. And she started to dig. She suggested that I take ancestry at that point, which I did. And that was it. And then probably two weeks later, if that, maybe a week and a half, I got an email from her that said, I found your biological father. And it was like it was like a sledgehammer to my chest, like the earth stopped rotating. And I know that sounds so dramatic, but just everything stopped at that moment. You know, I could not believe what I had just seen. And she had everything, she was really good at digging. And then probably I maybe two, three weeks later, Ancestry came back, and it was like a slot machine. It was just like boom, boom, boom, matches, matches, match, you know. And that's where the half sister came up. And it took me probably about three, now we're at 2025. Took me probably three months to get the nerve up. Well, no. Took me about three, four months of digging and researching, and like you said, understanding centimorgans and what does this mean? You know, I reached out to the the third cousin, I was like, you need to explain this to me, because I don't, I I don't know what any of this means, you know. So she was so good, she dumbed it down, and and this is what it is. And you can go to this site and you go to that site, and it is a rabbit hole that just takes over your life. You know, um, I would I would be on the computer and all of a sudden on a weekend, it's three o'clock in the morning, you know, it just becomes this obsession. And I do prefer ancestry just for the the information is amazing, you know, the documents and it's it's just it's I don't know, I just prefer it. So about three months of that, four months of that, and my mother at that point wasn't very tech savvy, so I printed everything, you know, and and I had to I had to convince my heart what my head already knew. You know, I had to accept it. And finally I was like, I'm I I need to, I was driving myself crazy, you know. So I went over and sat down and you know, no judgments, but I need to, you know, basically owned up to it after a while, and okay, fine, we'll never talk about it again. It changes nothing, it you know, it changes everything, but it changes nothing that matters. And I really thought that I was gonna be able to just box it up like I do everything else and put it on the shelf, and you know, we were just gonna move on. And it it is what it is, you know, was my attitude. And February of 2025, sorry, that was 2024. Wow. February of 2025, I hit a wall and I was not in a good mental place by any means. It was like a full-blown identity crisis, you know, and no one understands it because they're like, but you're you're who you are, you're still the person you were, but I'm not, you know. So I realized, you know, where I was mentally was not good. We reached out, got a counselor, started doing therapy and talking about it. And that was a lot of the problem was obviously my dad's not my my father, but the hiding and the and the the secret, and you know, I just couldn't do it anymore. You know, I needed to talk about it. Counselor I had was her first experience with something like this. So we kind of learned together. She was phenomenal. I credit her with where I am, you know. And she would give me these little challenges, you know, she would say, I want you to think about two things. One, something that you did before and you kind of got out of it, and something completely out of your comfort zone. I like my comfort zone. Yeah, okay. I like my little comfort zone. We all know each other in here. I don't like to venture out, you know? And she was just not gonna let me sit there, you know. Yeah. So fine, I picked reading. I had gotten, I used to read obsessively, and I just got to a point where I couldn't concentrate, you know, I'd have to read a page over and because my mind would just start racing, you know. And then it was, I did a sound bath. I wanted to do a sound bath, and I was like, I'm gonna do it. I don't know what it is, I had no idea what it was, and I did it, and it was phenomenal. I loved it. Second challenge came up, and it was, what am I gonna do now? And that's when you invited me to be on the first one. And I was like, I did a podcast, you know? And she was like, Are you kidding me? And I'm like, no. So she's like, All right, let's think of another one. And I'm like, Oh shit, what am I like? Oh I gotta jump out of a plane, like I gotta top these two, you know? And that little voice in my head that I really, really, really try and and and keep her quiet, said, You have a message sitting in draft. Now, in our first episode, I do have four siblings out there, and I was of the mindset that I was not gonna reach out to them. You know, I did I said, joking, kind of not joking, you know, I don't like the family I have now. Why would I want to why would I want to add to that? And and you know, I'm not doing it. I was on a NPE uh what do you session, you know, the the support group, support group. And one of the ladies in there, older lady, she said, you know, asked my story, I told my story, and she said, Do you have siblings? And I said, Yeah, four. And she said, Have you reached down? I was like, No, you know, and she said, Okay, are you going to? I said, Absolutely not. And she was like, Okay, she said, let me just tell you my story. And she was one of I don't know how many she found, one of six, I think. She found two. They talked, they got together, they go on vacations together. And she said, Three months in, I lost one of my sisters, and I was like, and this lady is just the sweetest thing. And I was like, I'm I'm sorry, you know what I mean? And I'm thinking to myself, but that's you, that's not me, you know. And she said, Let me just say one more thing. And I started laughing. I said, Go ahead. And she said, You might be the best thing that ever happened to them. And that was such a foreign thought. You know, I'm not what was mean it, but me, me, I'm gonna be the best thing that happened to somebody. Okay, whatever, lady. Thank you. I appreciate you telling me your story, was my attitude. Yeah, but it it it it never left. It just kind of her words just kind of rolled around. And then when that third challenge came up, I did have a draft. You know, my main goal was medical information because my medical information is completely wrong, right? And I opened the draft and I read it, and the voice took over, and she said, hit send, and I hit send, and I was like, What did I just do? Oh my god, you know, panic. I mean panic. I'm sure how long had that draft sat in your email?

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Months, months, months, okay, yeah. Yeah, months.

SPEAKER_03 14:15

So we talked in September and we aired the episode in in November. When did you hit send?

SPEAKER_01 14:25

I hit send. Wait a minute, we talked in November. Okay, yeah. So that that draft sat in there probably. I spoke to my mother trying to think in like July, and I wrote that draft probably right after that August, somewhere in there, because again, I needed medical history. I honestly I didn't care who they were, what they did. I wanted nothing from them, just medical information. I hit send in October of 2025.

SPEAKER_07 14:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 14:59

All right.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

And I sent it to, I have four siblings. They are all older than I am. I'm the baby. And I sent it to the oldest who happened to be a female sister. Because number one, I'm big on respect, and I figure she's the eldest. You know, it I didn't it didn't matter that there were two brothers to me, she's the eldest, period. And within about 12 hours, I got a response. And it was it was cold, it was very matter-of-fact. Where she wrote that, and I just wrote, you know, I I did I did 23andMe, and you know, this is what came up, and you know, explaining I I don't want anything, I'm just looking for medical insurance information. If you'd even be willing to exchange that in an email, that would be fine. You know, if you don't, then I I will respect that. You know, I'm sorry, I am sorry if this disturbed your piece because they really didn't want, you know.

SPEAKER_03 16:05

Right. Well, okay, I'm gonna ask two questions. Yeah. Is this the half sister that had tested?

SPEAKER_00 16:13

No.

SPEAKER_03 16:14

Oh, so this was the oldest, but not the one you had matched with ancestry. Okay, yes. And secondly, roughly how old is your your half oldest sister at this point when this email was received?

SPEAKER_01 16:29

They're all in their 70s. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 16:31

All right, just for perspective, I was just yeah, yeah, no, no problem, no problem.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

They're all in their 70s. Okay, I'm not there yet.

SPEAKER_03 16:37

Yeah, nope, you're the youngest. You're not there yet.

SPEAKER_01 16:40

Yes, I may I maintained my baby status in the family. And it was, yeah, like I said, it was very she said, and I'm paraphrasing, but it was very clinical, and it was very like I the DNA site would send out an email advising that a match had been found and that did not happen, therefore, conf, I don't I don't even know what word she used. Something cannot be confirmed. And I was like, okay, I get it. You know, I mean, think about her side of it. There's this random stranger, like, hey, sister, yeah, you know, it's a scam. And I was like, I get it. You know, I went back immediately and I sent her every screenshot that I had of 23andMe, of Ancestry, of Jedmatch. That's where I matched with her. I sent her everything. I sent her the email from the third cousin and said, This is what I have, you know. And within again, maybe another 12 hours, I got a response. And it was it was almost like in my head, I could see her I could see her writing that first email and like you know, just being very dismissive. And then that second email, I I I I could almost in my head see her walls just dropped. And it was incredible. Like I she opened up, she talked about him. I'm not I'm not to the point where I can say our father. It's I'm not, you know. So him and then it just it just took off from there. We started emailing almost on the daily. Then we had she invited me on a Zoom call and I did it, and it was it was amazing, like her face filled that screen and I couldn't speak and neither could she and then finally she said, and first we cry, and the both of us just sobbed, you know? Woof. And then we started to talk, and it was just you know, I'm I I am very guarded in my life with strangers. I don't let new people in, you know. I have I have my allotted number of friends, you know. I just am, I am just a guarded person, you know. If you think I've let you in, you you know what I mean. There's so much more that you'll never know. You know what I mean? That's just me. And it it just didn't happen with her. It was just comfortable and it was it flowed. There was no hesitation, there was no lulls in the conversation. I had allotted an hour for that call. I told my daughter, I'll but I'll be about an hour, you know. And like four hours later. Now she's in a different country. I was just gonna starting to she's in Europe. Okay, so she's starting to like fall asleep, but neither one of us wanted to hang up, you know, and and finally was like, okay, we we've got to hang up, and yeah, we do. And she said, Beth, and I said, Yes, and she said, I'm so glad you hit send. And that and I was like, Oh man.

SPEAKER_03 20:47

Oh my gosh, I felt that one. And I said, It takes a lot of way.

SPEAKER_01 20:53

Yeah, yeah, I said, me too. And I hung up the phone and I sat at my desk like, holy crap, did that just happen? And we do email and we do WhatsApp. We are to the point now where we have a weekly, uh bi-weekly we talk on Teams, we see each other. End of October, my mother got sick, went into the hospital, which turned into hospice, and she passed in November, beginning of November. While she was in hospice, we she had a stroke, and I think you remember from the first podcast that I did, I do tend to deal with things with very dark senses of humor. So, you know, sorry, not sorry if someone gets offended by this, but she had had a stroke and I had some I had more stuff to say, you know. So it was a perfect opportunity because she couldn't rebut what I was saying, you know, and couldn't tell me I was wrong. And, you know, which I'm sure she was probably wanted to choke me at that point. But and I told her, you know, I I I told her about reaching out to the oldest sister and how wonderful she was. And, you know, I my story doesn't end with you. You know, it's going to continue on. And, you know, and I told her that I loved her. And I told her that I forgave her ever. It is what it is. You know, it's not, it's funny. It started, and I said this to her, it started with the two of you, but it's not gonna end with the two of you. It's not. And then I just kept telling her, you need to go, you know, you need to go, you need to let go. See, I could talk about a lot of things, but I say, You need to go find my dad and tell my dad I love him and I miss him because that old man, oh God, I loved him so much. And I was working from her room and I signed off about I don't even know, quarter to seven, six thirty, quarter to seven. Went outside to smoke a cigarette, came back in and sat down at the edge of the bat, well, next to her and just took her hand and just was telling her, you gotta go, you know, you gotta go. It's not I went through this with my dad and hospice, and it's not them anymore. You know, it's it's just not. And it's for them, it's embarrassing, and for me it was an honor, you know, but and she made a sound, and I knew it was she was gone. And I sat for about 15 minutes and finally put my hand on her chest and there was no movement. And I went got the nurse, and who hospice is the most amazing. I I I I I can't say enough about them. And she came in and listened, and she kind of shook her head, and you know, and that was it. She was gone. And it was difficult being in that time because on the one hand, I had this joy of meeting, like not physically meeting, but getting to know my sister, and then I was losing my mother. So it was it was a very difficult balance, and some days I didn't balance it well, you know. But I'm glad that she went knowing what was happening and what was going on, and you know, not knowing what was coming after that. But I'm glad that she isn't suffering anymore. It was difficult, it was only a week and a half, but it was brutal. My sister, the oldest sister, said that she was going to tell they have a sibling call once a month because they're scattered throughout.

unknown 25:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:18

And she said she was going to wait until the Thanksgiving sibling call to tell the other siblings. And I was like, okay. And then I got an email from her about two weeks before Thanksgiving that said, yeah, little change in plans. Okay, basically, as siblings do, when the when the tea or whatever you want to call it is too good, she happened to be talking to the other sister who had just gotten back from vacation, so they were checking in. How are you? How was your trip? Da-da-da. Oh, guess what? And told sister. So I'm like, oh, that was not the plan. I know that wasn't the plan, but it's good. It's all good, it's all good, it's all good. Okay. Then she adds her to our email chain. So now there's two sisters involved. And she's the one that had all the medical information for me. So she gave me a lot of information. She asks me if I wanted to see pictures, and of course, you know, so she sent me pictures of him and his grandparents and his, you know, parents, and invaluable.

SPEAKER_03 26:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:38

Yeah. And then I think it became a little too much for her, which I understand, you know, she was a daddy's girl. Where older sister was not so much, other sister was definitely the apple of his eye, and she adored him as well. And I think it just hurt too much. And I get it, you know. I I I just and you know, she said, you know, please continue your your your relationship with this one, and and I understood it, no problem. And then big big sister and I just kind of hit a rhythm, you know, and and then they had their call, and the following weekend, I had my call with Big Sister, and I said, So how'd that go? You know, and she said they all took it relatively well, you know. I mean, everybody's shocked, of course, you know, but they're adjusting, and they said she said they would like you to join the next sibling call. And I was like, absolutely, are you out of your mind? No, you know, and she was thinking about it, think about it. But it was Christmas, and my mom had just gone. I just I just was not in the mindset to do it. And then January came, and you know, we've had calls in between me and her, and she'll relay messages from them. And then January came and she said, We have the sibling call is coming up. And I said, Yeah, I know. And she said, Are you gonna be on it? And I said, I don't know. And she said, Well, here's here's what you can do. She said, You can sign in, and if it's too much, she said, just stop moving and pretend like you froze and hit the leaf, it cracked me up. And she said, and then send me a WhatsApp so that I know what happened, you know. And I'm like, okay, let me, you know. And you know, I don't, I'm not one to I don't intimidate easy. I've never walked into a room and wondered, do I belong here? I will go on an interview and I don't get nervous. Like you either like me or you don't, you know what I mean? This intimidated, I'm sorry, this intimidated the shit out of me. I sat at my desk for about a half hour prior, and I and it I just was like, what the hell? Why why did I hit sends? Why did it do what am I doing? You know, it just was intimidating. There were gonna be four people staring at me, you know, what if there's a lull? And and and and then it seemed like it took forever, and then all of a sudden, like I could watch the clock go faster, you know, it was the weirdest thing, and it came time to hit join, and I did it, and they were, you know, typical, typical Italians, where they're you know, everybody's talking at once, you know, and it got I just kind of didn't say anything, and I just sat there and it got really quiet, and then everybody just started to yell my name. It was like norm from cheers, you know. They were like, Beth. And of course, I just covered my face and started to cry, and it got really quiet for a minute, and I thought, oh my god, did I log off? And when I and I mean ugly, I mean boogers, like ugly crying. When I looked up, they were all crying. You know, and finally, after everybody kind of wiped their tears, and you know, one of the brothers said, We've read Big Sister, shared all of my emails with them. Wow, okay, and there have been many. Because well, she asked me, Do you mind? I'm like, nope, I whatever I said, I said, you know. And he said, We've read your story, our story. He said, Would you would you mind telling us? It's different hearing it in someone's voice. And I said, sure. And I was supposed to sign on to that call for the last half hour, and I think that call got extended by like an hour and 45 minutes and just kept going, you know. And at the end of it, they started talking, they're like, Okay, let's get our calendars out. So I'm just listening, you know, and they're you know, you could see them all looking at their calendars. And does this work? And this one's going here, and that one's going here. And so they finally pick a day, and one of the brothers is like Beth. And I said, Yeah. And he said, Does that work for you? And I was like, Yeah, you know, and before they hung up, they were all they all took their own time and turn to say, you know, I'm so glad you're here, you know. What happened happened. But I'm so glad we found you, and I love you, and I love you, and I love you. And it was like, and then my sister said, My the older one at the end was like, I just want to say I love you, and I'm so glad you hit send. We end a lot of emails that way, you know. Oh, that's and I hung up that phone and I was like, What the hell just happened? And then I've had one other one since then. My joined the February one, and it is just, you know, like, yeah, it it's so interesting. They've opened up more and more about their lives. Yeah, it it's it's amazing. I had talked to one of the calls I had with my older sister, because again, they've kind of dipped out, and I get that. After the first sibling call, one of the brothers emailed me the next day and said, I thought about that call all night. And he said, you know, there was no scandal to get over because no one knew at that point. You know, he said, after you took and he quoted it your test, and he said, I wonder how differently our lives, he said, what I thought about next was how differently our lives could have been had it come out.

unknown 33:07

Right.

SPEAKER_01 33:07

And he said, but I have to be honest with you, I'm glad that it happened the way it did. And I agree, you know, I I I absolutely agree. And I and I went back and I said that to him. I said, Um, I'm happy the way that things turned out. I could have missed out on my dad, you know, and he wasn't perfect, but he was my dad, period. And yeah, so there have been like one or two emails with the others, but it's mostly older that I really, you know, she'll she'll send me a WhatsApp in the morning, just you know, uh just thinking about you and you know, things like that. One of our calls, we were talking, and she said, you know, she likes dates and she's very she's actually fittingly enough, she's a therapist. So I get big sister, and then I get like I will try and like glaze over something, you know, and be like, oh no, it's no big deal. And she'll, you know, she'll listen and then she'll say, can we go back to, you know, and she'll like give me a little. So it's been interesting in that way. She said, You have a big birthday coming up this year. And I said, I do, and I don't like to talk about and she said, What what are you doing? You know, it's a big birthday, you have to do something. And I said, You're right. And I said, and I know that, you know, I've gotten better with my birthday, I really have. And I said, actually, we were thinking about going somewhere in Europe. And we were thinking about going to Italy. And she said, Oh, Italy is beautiful, it is just beautiful. And I said, It is, and I I I've never been, and I'm I'm excited to go, and you know, and she said, it is, it's beautiful. But she said, Where I live is beautiful too. And I said, Oh, you know, and she said, you know, you really can do both. And I was like, okay. And she's like, just think about it. Just think about it, you know. And I said, I I will, you know. And I went downstairs and I was telling my daughter. And my daughter says, She starts laughing, and I'm like, What is so funny? And she's like, You've been big sistered. I'm like, What do you no? I haven't. And she's like, Yeah, you got big sistered. And she's like, You don't know how to react because you're used to being the boss. Yeah, you got big sistered. I'm like, I did not get big sistered. So while we're talking, phone goes off. It's big sister. She says, So I know you're thinking about it, but let me let you, let me tell you what I did. It sounds like she she lives in the city during the week because that's where her practice is, and then she has a country home on the weekends. In the city, it sounds like a co-op almost where there are other businesses and they own the building. So everyone in there has an apartment and there's a guest apartment in there. So she says, so what I did was I booked the I know you're laughing. I booked the guest apartment for the month of December because it's better to have a reservation than need than not need it than to have it and not have it. And and I'm like, oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 36:32

I've been big sistered.

SPEAKER_01 36:33

My daughter's like, what happened? So I told her, and she died. She's like, big sister. So she's like, I can accommodate you and your family. And I I said, I appreciate that, I do, but no, I I want to pay my own way, you know, like no. She's like, that's ridiculous. I don't want you in a strange city, not knowing where you're going. It'll be fine. I have the room, and there's another apartment. And I said, Well, I'd like to pay, you know, my way, my rent. So she said, Okay, you can pay me what you charge your family to come and stay at your house. And I was like, here we go. Here we go. She did.

SPEAKER_03 37:16

Yeah, what a great so Italy.

SPEAKER_01 37:20

We're still going to Europe, but Italy has now changed into another European city, and we're going in December to actually meet and get and yet to be able to hug my sister, my big sister, who is amazing, she is smart. I don't think we look alike on our sibling. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_03 37:58

No, I do not apologize.

SPEAKER_01 38:01

On the sibling call, I found myself staring at them. And I don't really see a resemblance because I look so much like my mom. But I see the personality, I see the witty side of her and the quick comebacks. And when her when she laughs, her face just completely changes, you know, and her eyes change shape. And she's not afraid to speak from her heart. She's absolutely fascinating with she drops these little like tidbits. And I'm like, well, wait a minute. You know, talked about living in California and and being a hippie. And I'm like, stop it. You know, like I've seen that on TV. I don't, you know what I mean? Like, I I know it was real, but I was like, you were a hippie? She's like, I was. I'm like, that's so cool, you know. She was in Europe for the fall of the wall. I mean, like, you gotta be joking, you know, and and even now, well, I think the shortest call we have had, Zoom call was maybe two hours. They mostly go four hours, and I can see her starting to because she's seven hours ahead of me. And I can see her start, and I'm like, okay, we have to say, you know, we just had one Sunday, and I don't know why, but for some reason it was difficult. Neither one of us wanted to hang up, you know, and she texted me right away and said, I really didn't want to hang up, but I'm like, I know. So I don't I don't know where I don't know where it's going to go with the others, you know. I don't she would only get rid of me kicking and screaming because I've gotten so comfortable and used to her being there for lack of a better word. And again, that is not at all me. At all. You know, I just keep people at a distance, and and yet with her, it's just it's amazing. It is just, and I know it could have gone, I think the part of me, maybe part of me hoped that it would go wrong, and they would not want anything to do with me, and then I could, you know, say, well, they didn't want to talk to me, so you know, I'm not even gonna bother anymore. And it is what it is, and then I could just keep it moving, you know. And sadly, a lot of NPEs and adoptees and all that's the way it does go, you know. I just got really lucky. Yeah, I got really lucky. I think my choice in even the brothers, all of them said you reached out to the right one.

unknown 41:11

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 41:12

You know, you re you you picked the right one. And they asked what made you pick her, and I said, Well, number one, she's the eldest, and and that's just respect on my part, you know. And I read a blog that she wrote about after her after he died, and it she didn't hold back and it wasn't I don't know. I guess maybe I read through the lines and I could read some of the pain that was there. And I just felt that she would be the one that would be most receptive to something. You know, I just I didn't think the other sister would be. And and and and everybody handles it the way they have to handle it, you know. I just got really lucky that they were, you know, one of the brothers on the call said, you know, Beth, we're all older and you know, we've gone through the drama and we've gone through life, and we don't have time for it. And you know, we're just so glad that you're here. How it happened doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_03 42:21

Doesn't matter, you know, and so I think that speaks to you. I see you're giving all of the credit to them for being great people and that you got lucky, but I think they got lucky because you also could have been crazy, you could have been dramatic, you could have been, you know, kind of am, you know, let's be honest here. You know, but you know, I I think it's a risk on everybody, and yeah, you said it, your first your first email response from your big sister was that was cold. Yeah, and so she's guarded being protective, and then when you when you showed the receipts, as they say, you know, when you had the the proof, it immediately put that that guard down for her. And so I think they're lucky as well, you know, that you well thank you.

SPEAKER_01 43:13

I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_03 43:14

Now I know you said your your oldest sister lives in in Italy, in Europe.

SPEAKER_01 43:21

No, she lives in Germany.

SPEAKER_03 43:22

She lives in Germany, okay.

SPEAKER_01 43:24

She's in Germany. We were supposed to go to Italy and that's right, got rerouted to Germany.

SPEAKER_03 43:28

Germany now.

SPEAKER_01 43:30

Which I mean, come on. Not a bad place to get rerouted to.

SPEAKER_03 43:35

No, absolutely. You know, and the other siblings, where are they all located?

SPEAKER_01 43:40

I got pretty good locations, I gotta tell you that much, because older is in Germany. Okay, other sisters in Hawaii.

SPEAKER_07 43:47

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 43:48

And the two brothers are in California.

SPEAKER_03 43:50

Okay. So there are are some in the States and in Hawaii also. Yeah. Which and you're in Tennessee. Correct. And is there do you think there's a a trip in the year future to either California?

SPEAKER_01 44:14

I would love to meet I would love to meet all of them. Yeah, I really would. A big sister wrote in an email with other sister on copy and said that she she said, I want to just tell you about a dream that I had. And it was that we the sisters met up at a beach, and there was nature, and there was a kitchen because we're all foodies, which is really nice. And there was a kitchen, and there were lots of meals and wine and you know, whatever. And I was like, that's a beautiful dream, you know, that is a really beautiful dream. And then younger sist, not younger, but yeah, other sister jumped in and said, I think we should make that happen. There's a there's a place that I've always fantasized about going with Big Sister, and now we could include Beth. And she gave the name of it, and when I looked it up, it was a yoga retreat. I'm sorry. I don't yoga, I don't bend. I you know, listen, I'm going with Big Sister's Dream, a beach, nature, a kitchen, some wine. I'm not yoga ing. No, we're not doing it. I'm not doing it. Not no, thank you, but no. So there's been like little things like that that have come up. I don't know. I want to meet Big Sister because the bond is so fierce and so strong. And I'm sure there are, you know, stories that will be told and memories that will be told. And you know, we there's days that are calls where she'll ask me a question or you know, tell me about your life, and I do. And then there's day there's calls where she does all of the talking and and there's hurt on everybody's side, you know, and I hate that, you know. But I'm not ruling anything, I'm not forcing myself into their lives. This just happened to come up with Big Sister, and I know it's crazy me saying that, but I don't really want to say their names. It just happened to come up, you know, it was something that we were looking at anyway. No plans had been made, you know, multiple Italy books were bought, and now I've got one for Berlin. And if it ever came up with the other ones, absolutely I would be open. Absolutely, I would be open to it, you know. And and again, I just keep hearing that woman on that on that, you know, call where she said don't wait too long. You know, it's weird. It's weird. This whole thing is it's still very strange to say, my sisters, my brothers, you know. When my mom was in hospice, my son came into town and we were outside talking and before we went in, he was like, I started to walk in. He was like, Hey, wait a minute. And I turned around, he's like, How's your sister? And I said, I don't know, oh I do. She's good. Like it's still very weird. I did tell my m someone on my mother's side of the family. I let him know because you know, I look at it like this is this isn't it. The cat's the cat's the cat's gone, the cat is running rabid, you know. And secrets have a way of coming around. So I did let him know. I don't think he has said anything to the her side of the family. I don't really care because it's and I don't say that like I don't care. I say that like I don't care. I'm not, I don't have a billboard, you know, that says, hey, but I'm not hiding, I can't hide it anymore. It is so I'm so different, I'm so much lighter. I was so heavy when we spoke, you know, it was just weighing me down. We are flying back home to Jersey in actually it's April in this month to my mom was cremated, and she had my dad's ashes, and my brother from that side we're going to bury all of them in the family cemetery where that you know where they all are. And so I'll get to see some maybe some of her family and some of my friends, and it's almost like just it's like one more goodbye, yeah, you know, and then I don't know what's coming after that, but I don't know what's coming, but I'm really freaking excited for whatever it is.

SPEAKER_03 49:11

Well, and I think that shows as much as you feared, and and yeah, you know, listening to for those that go back and listen, and or those of us who've have heard it, you were worried so much about disrupting their lives, these siblings' lives.

SPEAKER_01 49:34

I was worried about hurt, that's it. I didn't care about disrupt disrupting and hurting are two different things to me. I was so, you know, a part of I was so concerned about hurting anyone because I know how badly it hurt me.

SPEAKER_06 49:50

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:51

And I think for as nice and as kind and as welcoming as they all have been, it had to hurt. But I believe, and I don't think she would admit it because she's a very, she's a very strong woman, is the other sister. I know I know it hurt her because like me, she was a daddy's girl. You know, and and it's one thing to maybe know their faults, but not say it. It's a whole nother thing to have that fault held up to your face, and that's what I am. So I hope that she I hope it wasn't, you know, a horrible hurt. I know it hurt. And I don't know if she'll ever tell me that, but I hope that I think in realizing that I don't want anything, you know. I think one of the one of the brothers, I big sister told me one of the brothers was like, well, what is she like? Is she like a derelict? And I'm like, that's awesome. But I would have done the same thing. I would have been like, what what it what do you want? Money, you know what I mean? That's you know, I don't want, I don't want, I don't all I wanted was medical. And then if something came after that, great. If it didn't, you know, thank you. And I'm sorry that you found out this way. So I do think it it it it scratched everyone, but I think it cut a little deeper with the other sister, and I understand that, and I hate that part of it.

SPEAKER_03 51:29

But it sounds like uh, I mean, the benefit is your your biggest sister is a therapist. So she's got she is a wealth of of positivity and knowing that, and and where where I was going with this is that yes, it hurt and in the shock value that we know all of us feel, but as as sounds like very smart adults, they are very good people, they know that it's it none of this is your fault, and it's none of their fault. So, yes, we might be sad, we might be hurt, we might be, you know, reevaluating so much of what we thought was the truth, but that's not about you or the four of them, you know. That's those are decisions. The your dad, your biological father, their biological father, and your mother made. And that's not about you guys.

SPEAKER_01 52:30

You know, it's funny, like I said earlier in this, is it started with them, but they're almost like they've fallen to the wayside. You know, they're not even really talked about too much. Yeah, now it's just become us, you know, the the the five of us, you know, and and where do we go from here? I mean, yeah, little stories will come up. Yeah when we were on one call, the other sister said something about our father, and and I I I must I'm maybe I jerked her, you know, like because uh I'm not there yet, you know what I mean? And and I feel bad. Like big sister at one point asked me, said tell me about your dad. And you know, the relationship wasn't wonderful with her and and him, and I and I I actually kind of felt bad saying it, you know what I mean? It's like, oh my god, my dad. And and even when I'm on the phone with them, I will say, my dad, you know, and him. And I think they've all kind of accepted that I'm just not there, you know.

SPEAKER_03 53:36

He's a stranger, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:37

He is, and you know, he always will be at this point. Excuse me, I've seen pictures and you know, I got the medical information, which is what you sought off out to get.

SPEAKER_03 53:51

Exactly. Yeah, and then just got the bonus, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:55

Exactly. And it's just not even like I said, it's just it's interesting how little he comes up in our conversations. Yeah, you know, yeah, it's it's more about like moving forward and where do we go from here and and getting to know each other, I'm sure. You know, yeah. And they're all, you know, when are you going to Jersey? And you know, do you need anything? And you know, so I'm gonna miss that sibling call. And you know, they were like, Well, should we reschedule it? And I was like, No, no, no, no, you guys, you continue, I'll join the next one, you know, and I'll talk to Big Sister before that call. So if you know, she'll let you guys know. And it I don't know, it's just it's not what I expected because I prepared for the worst, you know? And it's just it's amazing, and it's it's I'm just I think probably for the first time in my life, I am just not trying to fix, not trying to control, not trying to change. I'm just letting whatever happens, happens.

SPEAKER_03 55:05

You know, I love that.

SPEAKER_01 55:06

Yeah, which is so not me.

SPEAKER_03 55:09

I know. I I too I cringed when you said that. I'm like, I can't imagine.

SPEAKER_05 55:13

I know giving up control of it shows how much you've grown through this whole devastating process, right?

SPEAKER_03 55:26

You I mean about our conversation is the work you've done and how far you've come, and to be able to trust these strangers that you've only met via yeah, you know, and to be able to say, I'm just gonna see how it goes instead of trying to figure it out. I think that's huge.

SPEAKER_01 55:49

Yeah. Yeah. And you know, like I said, we'll we will text that I look I so look forward to every two weeks, you know, I really do. And then when my phone goes off and you know, it's something from her, it'll be just something random, you know, or or just thinking about you, or you know, just something. And or I'll do the same thing to her. I do try and be very, very mindful of the time, timing, you know, but it's it's uh it's you know, it's something I think I I think every girl that has a brother always wants a sister. You know? I know I did, and I think that's why I value and and love my girlfriends like my best friend. I I am ride or die, you know, and I love my girlfriends because they were like sisters, they're not you know, girlfriends, but they're they're my family. And now to have that, you know, the whole big sistering thing, I don't know about that one yet, but you know, well you don't see it when it's happening, so you can't control it. I know. Well, I you know, when it was over and you know, when when the Berlin travel book arrived from Amazon, I was like, shit, I was she big sistered me. And then part of me was like, and I loved every minute of it. Yes, you know, it was just like, okay, I'm coming, you know, like, and then anybody else I would have been like, Are you crazy? I'm doing what I want to do, you know. But yeah, you're not gonna tell me what to do. You're not the boss of me. And you know, we're both like, you know, she said to me one time, are you a hugger? And I'm like, I am, and she's like, Oh my god, so am I. And she's like, That first hug is gonna be amazing. And I'm like, I know, you know, it's just it's and it's it's it's beautiful to have that. I don't have to pick and choose my words, I can be as much mushy as I want, and she's the exact same way, you know. It is bizarre and it is strange that this is only going on since September, October of last year, and it was almost instantly. I love you. I love you, sister, you know. I called her sissy, and she said, in some ways she can be very German, you know, how like they're kind of very literal people.

SPEAKER_06 58:33

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 58:33

And she said, I remember Sissy from when I was younger, and that's what you called a boy, and I'm like, right, yes, technically, yes. I'm like, but you're my sissy, you know. And now when we'll we'll be on the phone, or she'll send me a text, she'll say, Hello, sissy, and I'm like, I love it, I love it, you know, like it's just so she's got to meet my daughter. My daughter was in the house one call that we were on, and she was like, Is Brittany there? And and that's how every call starts, is how's you know my daughter and my son, and she asked for my dogs, and you know, what's going on in your life? And yeah, even Brittany, when she spoke to her the first time, it was like it was strange, but it was nice, you know, like there was no hi aunt, you know what I mean? It just wasn't that. I don't know. It's just um I like I said, I just I I actually part of me kind of feels a little guilty because I know there are, you know, the the media and TV movies kind of gloss over, you know, NPEs and and adoptees where you know they find out years later they were you know adopted and they're devastated and they meet their family and everything's wonderful, and it's so not what it is, and it's so not fair. I just got lucky. I just got lucky. Yeah, maybe I handled it the right way, I don't know, but I just got lucky.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:06

I think yes to all of that, and I can speak you know, for for myself who has no known paternal siblings and didn't have a dad in my life, and I know many, many other people who have had bad encounters with their new side, yeah, but not a single one of those people would want you to not have this amazing story, right? Right, you know, we envy it, but we don't want to wish you had a horrible ending also. Right. I tell people never feel guilty. Good for you. We are applauding you, we're standing up and uh and yeah and happy for you, but don't diminish it because you worry about what other people pain, other people's pain and and suffering. And so you maybe don't deserve it because you know, none of that. You deserve every bit of it, every bit of it. Yeah. So two last things I want to say before um I ask you if there's anything else that you'd like to share is I think about as you're talking about this, and you've got a big birthday coming up, and we won't talk about what birthday that is. No, we won't talk about that number. No, and you're you have talked about a uh you know, a travel to Europe, right? So that was on your agenda anyway. Could you imagine having not hit send, gone to Europe, come home, eventually hit send, and have missed that opportunity. It all happens at the right time. I mean, I think about what could have been lost to that because not everybody can just up and head to to Hawaii or to Europe or anywhere, you know, to meet people, but it was something on your radar anyway.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:01

And it's something that we talked about for years, and and I'm glad that what was said to me was said to me because you know, I was so adamant about no, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not reaching it, you know, and just listening to this woman, you know, describe the relationship that she had with the two sisters that she found, you know, and how it was amazing. And they started going on trips and they went on retreats together. And she said, and three months later, I lost, and it was just like and at that point, it like I said, it didn't click, yeah, but it just kind of still rolled around up there. And you know, I'm glad that I got out of my own way and stopped being an ass. You know, because I can be, I can be very like, I'm not doing that, and you know, I don't I don't think you were being an ass.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:53

I think you were just in your own way, like you were maybe maybe protecting yourself, you were guarded, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:00

You didn't want to hurt them, but I more importantly exactly, yeah, and I didn't want them to, you know, be like, what do you want? You know, I think that one of the things that kind of in a strange way is a benefit, also, is that we are so spread out, you know, because there's not that that like let's go meet for a call. It minimizes pressure, yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, but yeah, I couldn't imagine now the relationship with all of them, but more most importantly, big. Yeah, you know, now I realize I I now I realize I didn't I would never want to miss out on that.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:46

Exactly. You know, which brings me to my last thing. I wrote down a quote that you had said on our last conversation, and I wrote it down before we started talking, is you had said what can be gained from them. You're gonna make me cry. So you that was one of your defenses. What can be gained from them? And here we are, just spent an hour talking about everything that you've gained just from opening but just by hitting send and starting that conversation. Like you have they have gained and you have gained so much. And I think that's the core of why we take the chances that we take, because you could have missed out on all of this, and they could have missed out on all of this because we fear rejection, we fear being hurt hurt ourselves, and I think this just an amazing testament to just hit send. I love just hit send. Yeah, you know, yeah, just hit send.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:13

Yeah, I gained well, four siblings, obviously. And it's amazing so far. It's been amazing, and I hope it continues that way. You just I really do. I'm sorry, I'm trying.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:28

Do not apologize. You deserve it all. You deserve all of it.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:35

That's why I said you you you read that quote. I was being an ass. What is there to be gained? That's such a flippant attitude to have. Like, you know, it was out of what am I gonna get out of it, you know? And and I meant it at that point. I did. And now man. So glad I did. So glad I hit send.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:56

I am so glad you hit send also. And I'm so Honored that you reached out and said, Hey, I've got an update for you. Yeah. I'm so glad. And I didn't want you to share with me because I wanted to hear it as we talked about it on record so I could feel your emotions. And yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:16

And we'll do a follow-up when I get back from Germany.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:20

Your trip, absolutely. And continuing the conversations with all four of them and getting to know hopefully the brothers you get to meet and and a trip to Hawaii. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:34

I mean, yeah, I can't fight that. You know. Well, I if I have to go to Hawaii, sure.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:42

Well, is there anything else that you would like to share with with anyone with us with regards to any of it?

SPEAKER_00 1:06:52

No, I just think that it it you know it is heartbreaking.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:00

And, you know, I can sit and and and even though for for the moment everything is wonderful, you know, it is still devastating. It's it's it's and and unless someone has gone through it, they're not gonna understand. You know, they're gonna tell you you're still the same person and you're not. You're just gonna you can be a different person, you know. Just give yourself some peace and grace and sit on. If it happens, just just don't do anything. That's what I did in the beginning when I found out is I just was like, I need to I need to be, I need to just be, because I tend to be a very emotional reaction immediately. I hope it doesn't happen to someone, but unfortunately it's going to continue to happen. It is, and there are a lot of resources out there and you know, support groups and and podcasts and things that you can listen to so that you don't feel so alone, you know, and I don't like I just felt like I was the only person this ever happened to, and I'm not like, oh, it's just me. I felt like I was the only person this had ever happened to, and you know, and it's not you know, there is a so much information out there and so much support. Look for it, find it, find your group, find your people, you know. I got lucky with the support group that I joined. They are from the north, so they all sound like me, and you know what I mean? So and and I don't have to worry about oh my god, I slipped and said a curse. You know what I mean? There's no pearl clutching. You know, that's important to me. It was very difficult to find a for me to find a therapist because a lot of things here are faith-based. And I didn't want to do faith-based, you know. So it takes time, but it's there and it's just keep you know try and keep it keep it, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:14

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:16

Don't give up.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:17

It's finding something that's comfortable and for, you know, yeah. I think I've said it on my my interview, my episode, that you know, listening to podcasts is what I first got through. And then I found the zooms, and then I finally turned my camera on, and then I finally started talking. And and there were there's a lot of groups, and they all are similar, but yet very different. And it's finding one that you're comfortable in. And each of us are very different in our beliefs, and and like you said, some are faith-based, some are not, and some are NPE driven, some are you know donor-conceived adoptees, and then you've got some that are a combination, so you can bounce things off of each other and and how that intersection of emotions and feelings, and of course, the therapist, and therapy is no matter what you're going to therapy for, if you don't like one, you need to find a different way. Don't just because you have one that you're not feeling it with, like, yeah, it's absolutely yeah, definitely it's great advice. And I think knowing we're not alone, which is why I did this my podcast, was because there's a lot of amazing podcasts out there for us NPEs and and DNA surprises, but you know, that the added issue with our mothers, I wanted people to know that we are not alone, like you're not alone. It's not I think it's a trauma on top of a trauma and all of those things. And so it's just finding our group, finding our our our tribe.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:52

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so thank you. I I just thank you for giving me the time and the space to tell this great story. Unexpected, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:04

Next chapter, and yes, thank you for sharing.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:07

Thank you. I appreciate you.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:10

And before I say goodbye, I just want to let everyone know that I will not be releasing any episodes, probably in the next month, month and a half or so. I am taking some time to attend a Higher Hope and Healing retreat on the Jersey Shore. And then I have got some medical time that I'll need to take off. So I'm hoping to have something to release the end of May or early June. Thank you. If you would like to share your story, please email me at motherslies and dna surprises at gmail.com. You can share anonymously if you prefer. I would also love to hear from you with any questions, comments, or show ideas. Also, please subscribe, leave a review, or follow the podcast Facebook page at Mothers Lies and DNA Surprises Podcast. Thank you for being here with us, where we are not alone in our struggles with our mothers.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:12

You just don't want to accept the truth.