Valerie - What Stayed: Season Two Reflections

In this solo reflection, Valerie looks back on the conversations that shaped Season 2 and the themes that kept surfacing beneath the stories: grief, survival, caregiving, moral injury, nervous system healing, and the quiet weight so many people carry while appearing strong on the outside.

Together, we explore the losses we were taught to outrun—safety, identity, relationships, expectations, and the versions of ourselves we created just to survive. We examine the helper patterns our culture rewards and what happens when the body finally sends an invoice through insomnia, panic, chronic pain, exhaustion, numbness, or disconnection.

Drawing from conversations from this season's guests, Valerie reflects on the power of being believed, why healing rarely happens in isolation, and what it means to stop abandoning ourselves long enough to tell the truth.

This episode is also a bridge into Season 3, where the focus widens beyond trauma itself and into the humanity beneath the roles we play—the field of human stories all around us. 

Special thank you our special guest from this season - it means so much that you would share your hearts with us and help us grow in love and community.

If this space has meant something to you, thank you for being part of it. Thank you for witnessing these stories, and for helping defy the silence that keeps people isolated and alone. 

See you in Season 3 - The Field of Human Stories

Transcript

Welcome And Listening Care Note

0:01

Welcome to Defines a Silence. I'm Valerie, your host, a veteran, nurse, and a survivor. This is a space for sacred witnessing. For stories often carried quietly and for the people who hold them. For survivors, healers, and witnesses. Here we stand against the silence that isolates and honor the silence that allows us to truly be heard. Some episodes in this season will focus on sexual trauma and forensic realities. Others will explore moral injury, grief, and the cost of caring deeply in a world that can wound. You're invited to listen at your own pace, pause when you need to, and take what serves you and leave the rest. A gentle note before we begin. This podcast includes conversations about trauma and abuse. Please listen with care and honor your well-being. Thank you for being here and witnessing today's conversation.

Why A Solo Season Reflection

1:02

Well, guys, this is it. This is the reflection from season two. I have been, you know, to be honest, kind of putting off doing this little solo cast because, you know, frankly, this podcast isn't about me. It isn't for me. It's for you, the listener. And I love talking with the guests and I love getting some insights. And I learned so much. And I always walk away from every conversation, just a little bit better of a human because of the person that sat across from me. And so today there's nobody sitting across from me. And it really strikes me as I sit here that there doesn't need to be anybody sitting across from me. Just like I say to a lot of people, if you've had a conversation with me, everything that you need is inside of you already. And I am going to take a moment and just say that to myself. So everything I need is inside of me. And I want to share with you guys today, just briefly, um, what I carried from season two and where we're going in season three. And just thank you for everything and being supportive listeners. And I hope that you've learned something from each of the guests as well. And if you haven't listened to all of the episodes, you're gonna get a chance to catch up because we're gonna take just a short break as I prepare for season three because it's it's gonna be a little bit different, a little bit deeper. I'm excited about it, and I can't wait to tell you all the things.

A Short Grounding Practice

2:48

Um, but first, let's just take a moment and get grounded. Wouldn't be Defiance of Silence, sacred witness podcast, if we didn't do that. So let's just take a moment. If you're able, your other hand on your belly. Close your eyes if that's available to you. Take a deep breath in. And sigh it out. Let's do that one more time. Take a deep breath in and just hold it at the top for just a couple more seconds. And sigh it out. Maybe shake your hands, wiggle your toes. Thank you for showing up for yourself today. And I hope that this reflection will give you something to think about and just kind of give you a piece of my heart and what things have been um coming up for me over the past few weeks and months since working on season two. Um, so today's gonna be just a little bit different. So there because there's not a guest sitting across from me, there's no interview, there's no expert, no survivor story, just me.

Season Two Becomes About Survival

3:59

And as I sat down to prepare for this season finale, I really did realize that when I started season two, I really thought we were just gonna have conversations about trauma and healing. Um, but looking back now, I can see that this season became something a little bit deeper. It became a conversation about survival. And that is what I noticed the most was what human beings carry quietly while still trying to function, while still trying to parent and lead and serve and protect and care for others, go to work, keep their marriage alive, smiling, achieving, just showing up every day. And somewhere across these conversations, this pattern kept emerging that so many incredibly capable people are living, me included, with nervous systems that never truly felt safe. And that's how we ended up where we had these stories, is because things didn't always feel safe to express. Or maybe someone tried to fix it, or it just didn't feel right to say the things we're saying because we carried so much shame around it. And I'm talking about veterans, nurses, therapists, detectives, caregivers, any healthcare worker. They're survivors, like people who were praised for being strong while privately drowning under what they never fully processed. And that's that's really to me very profound. And I think it's important to acknowledge that. And honestly, that hit close to home for me because I know I've shared before, you know, if I could just keep going and perform and, you know, do better so that I could feel better, but that never really worked. Um and I think a lot of my guests would say the same.

Grief As More Than Death

6:07

And there's a cost for that, like outrunning grief. And one of the first themes that showed up in this season came from my conversation with Brad. He challenged something in me, and I think probably many of us who've been taught our entire lives, that this idea of grief is only about death. But grief is much bigger than that. Honestly, it's it's every loss we were taught to outrun the childhood we didn't get, the safety that we lost, the marriage that we thought we'd have, our career, maybe even our identity, the version of ourselves that we had to become just to survive. I I think a lot of us learned early that grief was inconvenient. So instead of feeling it, we became productive. We became helpful, successful. A high achiever, hello, anyone out there, me too, hyper-independent. I have to be useful so that I can survive. And eventually, you know, our body starts asking for the truth. And it's not punishing us, it just wants us to be whole. And so we can't carry those things anymore. Um, and so our strength becomes a survival strategy, which really kind of just weaved right into Nicole's story. She was the second guest um for season two. And that really stuck with me for a long time because I think many helpers, if you remember Nicole's story, uh secretly believe that their value comes from how much they can carry. Like how much do they have to endure? How much can they save other people? There's a kind of survival mode that gets rewarded in our culture. You know, the person that never stops, never asks for help, pushes through their exhaustion, keeps carrying everyone else. And then eventually the body sends an invoice for that. Hello, excuse me, you're gonna pay this bill. Um, and it might show up in different ways for different people. For me, it was like insomnia and panic. For others, it might be chronic pain, rage, numbness, feeling disconnected. And it's not because you're weak, it's because you're human. And human beings were never meant to carry this much alone. And I think that's been one of the most profound things I've realized in this process that we were never meant to carry any of this alone. And just being witnessed is enough to help with that telling of that story. And it doesn't have to be, you know, this big dramatic thing. And that's something that over the years I figured out. And in witnessing these stories and being witnessed, um, you know, it helped me put some language this season to like what that actually is, that sacred witnessing.

Nervous System Safety And EMDR

9:03

And Victoria talked to us about how our body is not the enemy, even though it's telling us these things. And it's in my mind anyway, I was like, what am I doing so wrong that nothing I do is working? You know, I know somebody's had to have been there, not just me, right? So Victoria helped put that language to something that, you know, I've been learning for a while. And I'm no expert. You've heard me. I'm just me. I'm just somebody who's experiencing alongside you. Um and healing isn't always about endlessly telling the story over and over and over. Because if that was the case, we'd all probably be better by now, right? But healing is helping the nervous system realize that the story is no longer happening. And that actually really landed deeply for me. She talked about the emotional charge is gone from that particular incident when you can really tap into the body. Uh, she talked about EMDR. And if you haven't listened to Victoria talk about that, I highly recommend going back and listening to episode number three of Victoria because I think a lot of people are afraid of healing. Um, and maybe they don't know that. I didn't know that. Because I think it for me came across as, you know, I'm gonna drown in pain forever. Like this is healing is gonna cause me so much pain that I'm gonna drown in pain forever. But what I heard over and over in this season was actually something much more gentler. It was people started healing when they learned how to stay present inside their own bodies, even for just a few seconds longer than they did before. One breath, one pause, just a moment of noticing and not judging, and learning that activation isn't danger. When I say activation, just like when that nervous system comes online and your palms are sweaty and you've got butterflies in your stomach, doesn't necessarily mean it's danger. And learning that those cues are important to pay attention to has really helped in my journey. I know that. Um and really also, this was a huge one for me was learning that rest isn't failure, that learning that my body is not the enemy, and it's been trying to protect me all along. And that's the part that takes time to learn how to pay attention to. And I'm still learning, I am still in awe of every single thing that I learned throughout this journey. And I just hope that by listening to this podcast, that you're picking up some of these same things. And if you are, bravo, I'm so excited for you. And please pass it on to others you think might need to hear this. Um, because these conversations matter. They matter to the people that are sharing the parts of their life, they matter to those that are listening, they matter to the space of just this community of being witnessed. And it's just changed everything for me personally. And I know I've said that time and time again. Um, but witnessing is one of the most sacred things I've ever experienced in my life. And Lauren talked about that and the power of being believed. Lauren's conversation carried something so sacred because not only was her story shocking, you know, the things that she went through, but because of what happened when she was finally witnessed. And I experienced the same thing. So it was like sitting across from myself and going, yes, yes, yes, when she was believed. And I've noticed that, you know, to get this kind of healing, it rarely happens in isolation. We need each other. Almost every guest could trace back this transformational experience back to a person who finally saw them a therapist, friend, their spouse, their community, just somebody who stayed present long enough for their nervous system to stop bracing. And I think often, I know I underestimate how life-changing it is to finally say something out loud and for it to not be minimized, not be fixed or questioned or rushed, just witnessed. And maybe that's why I keep doing this show. I'm gonna keep doing it until people don't want to talk to me anymore. That's all I can say. Um, Ayana brought this full circle for me because she shared one sentence that I have not forgotten. If you're breathing, you qualify for care. And let that sit for just a second because so many people have spent years being the strong one, the capable one, the safe one, the fixer, the rescuer. Hello, me too. And maybe, maybe, just maybe, one of the invitations of this season was actually just asking what would happen if some of that care finally turned towards you. Not because you've earned it or because you've suffered enough, but because you're human. Because if you're breathing, you qualify for care. So thank you, Ayana, for that. And I have not forgotten that. And if it affected you, it mattered. It doesn't matter how big or how small it was. And that's just part of the human experience. It's part of staying human, is being able to acknowledge that.

Witnesses Carry Stories Too

14:23

And speaking of amazing humans, Dr. Jason Pfeiffer, orthopedic trauma surgeon, somebody who works in a high-pressure environment, um, who is the kindest, most gentlest soul. And I hope that you felt the love from him during our conversation. But what struck me most with him wasn't necessarily the medical part or the medicine. It was really his humanity that the reality of healthcare workers and how we carry stories too. We carry faces, losses, decisions, moments that stay long after the shift ends. I realized that this season wasn't only about just survivors, it was also about the witnesses. And that's something that Dr. Piffer taught me because people standing beside the suffering every single day, trying to help, care, trying not to lose themselves in the process, um, they matter too, and it's important. And he did share a story while we were talking, and he talked about a resident physician and what happened with his family and just the cost of holding that. I mean, it does something to you. And it was a profound moment that he shared so vulnerably. And I I encourage you to go back and listen to Dr. Piffer's story if you haven't had a chance yet. Um, he's an amazing human, and and I just know that he's gonna go far with his career and with his own podcast. So, Slice of Piper, I gotta give a plug. So, Slice of Piper podcast, just basically a couple humans just being awesome, awesome humans. I'm super thankful for him coming on the show and sharing with us his heart.

Healing Can Arrive Unexpectedly

16:21

Um, and an interesting guest that we had was Melissa, one of my favorite conversations of the season, um, because it got me out of my own box, like thinking that things have to be a certain way, and this is how you heal, you know. She reminded me of something that I truly desperately needed to hear, that it doesn't always arrive through the doorway that we expect. And everybody deserves to heal. Sometimes it shows up in a sound bath. Sometimes that sound bath will transport you to your bunk in the in the Navy ship. Like I thought that was so interesting. And if you haven't heard her story, please go back and listen. Um, but healing can show up in many, many ways. Maybe for me it was a horse pasture. Maybe it's through prayer, conversation, going for walks, moments of side, side-busting laughter that you can only get with your girlfriends, you know? It's when your nervous system finally experiences enough safety to soften a little bit. And then you don't have to stay so rigid and so protected. I think a lot of us were taught that healing had to look a certain way, had to look clinical. I know for me, I thought it was very linear. And I thought, okay, well, if I've healed to this point, then that means by this time next year, I'll be at this point. And oh boy, did I get my feelings hurt? It's not linear. It it ebbs and flows and it it moves and it changes and it changes me, and it it's changed people around me. And it really does make a difference if you can be open to other things. And it's not for everyone, not everything is for everyone, but the healing journey is not easily explained in one way. So Melissa really showed me that she's had multiple different healing modalities, and something that's special about her is just her willingness to keep showing up for herself. And it just showed me that healing is way more human than just this checkbox. Like, I went to the therapist, I tried yoga, I did XYZ. And Melissa's willingness to be brave and get outside of the box really inspired me. And I've gotten a lot of feedback actually on her episode. Some people have written in and said, I never thought of that as being a way that I could receive, you know, great insight and healing. And so thank you, Melissa, for that, for sharing your journey with us. Um it's really special to have friends in your life that are willing to share parts of them with perfect strangers. And I love that. And I love her. And I really would be remiss without mentioning Tracy.

Caregiving And The Long After

19:19

Oh, her conversation exposed something our culture rarely talks about, honestly, in my opinion. And that's the long after. Like, not the crisis, not the emergency. It's the years that follow, like the caregiving, the vigilance, the invisible labor, the grief without closure, like the way survival can slowly become an identity, and that caregivers are some of the most unseen people in our society. And yet healing often begins when they stop carrying everything alone. And Tracy talked about how she had to put herself in a position to take care of herself. And then it took her physician telling her, You're going to die if you don't take care of yourself. Then who's going to take care of your son? And if you are a caregiver, I highly encourage you to listen to Tracy's story. And she, I know, sends you a big hug. She's one of the most beautiful and kind people I've ever met. And I'm so thankful that she came on this little old podcast with little old me and talked to us about what it's like in her life. And I've gotten a lot of questions about Tracy and Trent. If you have not listened to their episode, I suggest you do. And, you know, we didn't do a good job when we talked about um letting everyone know that Trent is doing great. He's awesome. And I apologize if I left you hanging on that, but we got carried away and never went back and said, like, hey, Trent's doing great. He is doing very well, and Tracy is doing very well. And she is she is so um thankful that you would take the time to listen to her story. And I know that was really big for her, so thank you so much, Tracy, for that. And one thing that listening to Tracy's story helped me discover, just in general, like she had to advocate for Trent in such a way that you know was fierce and brave. And it got me thinking about just it's hard enough to navigate traumatic situations, but then you throw it into this system that doesn't listen. And and not everyone, I'm just saying a lot of people have that experience. I know I have in certain times too. And that's where Lisa comes in.

When Systems Make Healing Harder

21:52

We had a great conversation about you know, healing is hard enough, and people should not have to fight systems while they're suffering. And yet, what helps people the most sometimes isn't that complicated. Maybe it was just being believed, or having a community that supports you, or learning boundaries, or being in nature, and moving your body, and having some consistency and some presence and allowing someone to just take care of you. And she talks about the wellness collaborative and how she has dreams of changing the healthcare, the, excuse me, the mental health system in a way to there's so many good programs out there. This is kind of a safety net to catch people where they are and get them plugged into the right places while they're in crisis to get them to a better place where they can actually find a place to heal. And I think the wellness collaborative is gonna be a big deal. And I'm so excited for you to hear about that. If you haven't listened to Lisa's episode, highly encourage you to

Finding Your People And Telling Truth

23:01

do so. And wrapping up season two, finally with Kim. I don't think that I've ever met anybody with so much spunk and um just bravery to put her own story out there and really just be honest about the cost of caregiving and the cost of being a high achiever and the cost of being a performer. And she inspires me because she has her own podcast. It's the Dog Tag Diaries. I highly encourage you to listen to it and where she gives military women a chance to share their stories. And they're not all traumatic stories, but you know, some of these things are, I mean, hard to hear, but some of them are so inspiring. And she inspired me in a way that I can't even begin to tell you during her episode. She talked about how these women just sit across from her and tell you what's going on and then tell you what they're doing now. And they tell you, and you can just see them coming to life in front of you. That was beautiful. And to see, I wish you could have seen her face. She was just so animated and so passionate about what her mission is to coming back for others and serving other women because she's been that woman. And I love that she chose to tell her story on Defiance of Silence because she's somebody I look up to as a podcaster and as a friend and a sister in this community of just this healing world. You know, the more you do this work, the more you find your people. And that's really a big thing. Every guest said at one point when I asked them, what do we do? What does somebody do when they're trying to figure out this journey? And the answer was, find your people. You gotta find your people. And I think that's well said. And looking back now, I don't really think season two was about trauma. I think it was about what happens when human beings finally stop abandoning themselves long enough to tell the truth. That's it. The truth is we're exhausted. Many people are exhausted. Not because they're weak, but because maybe you've spent years surviving environments that your nervous system was never meant to normalize. And yet, that's where you find yourself. Me too, sometimes. This season showed me something really hopeful, though, that human beings are incredibly repairable, especially when they're witnessed safely. It matters, especially when shame starts losing its oxygen. You know, I've said it over and over like shame doesn't survive. It doesn't survive when it's exposed to the light. Like if there's no secret, there's no shame. And so I literally just think about shame losing its oxygen. Like it doesn't have anything to breathe. If we can just say the thing. And maybe it doesn't mean coming on a podcast and saying the thing, of course not. I think it takes a different class of person to be willing to sit across from somebody and say, here's my crap. And it no longer defines me. And it takes sometimes a long time to get to that place. And sometimes it doesn't need to be done that way. It just needs to be done in the privacy with maybe a trusted friend or a therapist. You know, it's not about putting your stuff out on social media or finding a podcast. So please hear that the right way. This is just the method that I feel called to right now. And so I'm especially moved that people would choose to come and share some of their stories here for you, the witnesses, to listen to. And for me, you know, every time I stop recording, I'm always just amazed when we get done, just how resilient and how transilient people are. And especially when they realize they no longer have to carry everything alone. And now they're passing that on to others. And it seems so simple. Like I don't want to oversimplify it. There is work to do where I'm always going to be continuously working on myself. I can tell you that now. And that's a commitment that I've made to myself to not abandon myself any further. And I'm going to keep coming back for myself because everything I have is already inside of me. And maybe it just needs to be pulled out sometimes by another person. And that's where that iron sharpens iron. And together we're going to overcome these things, the silence that keeps us down.

Season Three And The Core Takeaway

27:50

And as I look forward, you know, for season three, I find myself less interested in, you know, diagnoses and and, you know, traumatic stories, but I'm more interested in the story behind the story. The humanity beneath the role, or whatever, whatever it is you're doing. The field of human stories that exists all around us. Stories of grief, recovery, moral injury, caregiving, identity, awakening, joy, all the things. Stories of ordinary people carrying extraordinary things, and what happens when they finally tell the truth about them. I think that season three, um, which I'm, I think, affectionately calling the field of human stories season. I don't know if that's gonna stick, but that's where I'm headed. And I think it's just gonna expand that conversation a little bit further. Um, and I really hope that if there's one thing from season two that you would carry forward, it's this. Healing is not about becoming somebody different. It's about becoming safe enough to be more full yourself.

Closing Support And Gentle Reminders

29:10

Thank you for listening. Thank you for witnessing these stories, and thank you for helping defy the silence that isolates us. And thank you for being part of the kind of presence that helps people feel less alone. I encourage you to take what steadies you from each and every episode and leave what doesn't. And I will see you in season three. I cannot wait. Thank you for being here. If this conversation brought up difficult feelings, please take care of yourself in whatever way you need. I welcome you to carry forward what feels steady and release what isn't yours to hold. If additional support would feel helpful, consider reaching out to a trusted friend, a professional, or a resource in your community. Healing is not a straight line and you do not have to journey this alone. If this space has been meaningful for you, you're welcome to reach out. And if listening quietly is what you need right now, that's enough. You're right where you're supposed to be. Thank you for witnessing with me today, and until next time, remember that you are love and worthy of being witnessed.