Tennille - Pink Boxing Gloves

At 41, Tennille went from setting up surgical trays for breast cancer reconstruction to sitting on the other side of the operating table with a diagnosis of her own. After twenty-five years as a surgical technologist, she recognized the warning signs before anyone had to tell her. What followed was a whirlwind of scans, bloodwork, chemotherapy, radiation, multiple surgeries, and the long road of learning what it means to become the patient.

In this conversation, Tennille shares what it was like to navigate a Stage IIB, HER2-positive breast cancer diagnosis as a single mother raising her nine-year-old daughter. She opens up about the parts of survivorship people rarely talk about: recovering between surgeries, delayed radiation burns, body image after mastectomy and reconstruction, chronic fatigue, joint pain, and the emotional weight of living in a body that no longer feels familiar.

We also explore the role of faith in suffering, the courage it took to tell her daughter she had cancer, and how prayer, hope, and community carried her through the darkest moments. Today, Tennille mentors other women facing cancer, is writing the book she believes God gave her during her journey, and is turning one of the hardest seasons of her life into a source of encouragement for others.

Whether you've faced cancer, another life-changing diagnosis, or simply walked through a season that changed you, this conversation is a reminder that healing isn't about pretending life goes back to the way it was. Sometimes healing is learning that your scars don't just tell the story of what happened—they tell the story of what you've survived.

If this episode encouraged you, consider sharing it with someone who needs a little hope today.

Transcript

Welcome And Grounding

Valerie 0:01

Hi, everybody. Welcome to Defiance of Silence, a Sacred Witness Podcast. Already your host with 15 minutes devoted to the field of human stories, where we explore the lived experiences that shape us, challenge us, and ultimately connect us. Today I'm honored to welcome Tanil to the stuff. For more than 25 years, Tanil stood on the other side of the operating table as a surgical technologist, eventually finding her passion on a plastic and breast reconstruction team, helping care for women whose lives have been changed by breast cancer. In 2021, everything changed for her. At 41 years old, Tanil became a fabric. As a single mom raising her nine-year-old daughter at the time, she faced breast cancer that led to chemotherapy, radiation, multiple surgeries, and a year and a half-long fight for her life. But if you're going to hear today, this conversation just isn't about surviving cancer. It's about navigating fear, about fooding health, and learning to discard as part of the story instead of something to hide. I'm just going to share that with you too. Three years now, cancer free has dedicated herself to censoring others that are left to cancer. And I think that is beautiful. Feel your body supported by whatever is beneath you. Allow yourself to arrive fully in this moment. Open to listening, reflecting, and connecting. Thank you for witnessing my conversation with Camille. Welcome, Camille. Thank you for being here. Thank you. Thanks for having me. I I was just thrilled when you said that you would do this because not a lot of people have um the guts and the courage to come and talk about cancer and what it did to them and where it brought them and what it asked of them. And I really appreciate your vulnerability in this. And and I know we've talked a lot before, and I've gotten to witness parts of your journey. Um I'm excited for people to hear um hope, one, because you carry that, and also just the realities of what it was like for you. But

Life Before Diagnosis In The OR

Valerie 2:37

before we dig into, you know, Taniel has cancer, I want to know a little bit about who you were before cancer entered your life. Who are you? What what do you love? What do you, what do you um, what do you have ambitions for and and all of those things prior to your diagnosis?

SPEAKER_01 2:56

Right. So prior to my diagnosis, uh, my main focus was going back to school for nursing that was on the front burner, because people put things on the back burner. That was on the front burner. Um, I was talking to, you know, the colleges, um, submitting my transcripts. Um, for those that don't know my back history, uh, I was a surgical tech for uh I think at that time it was 25 years. I had just hit like the 25 year mark. So I was like, you know what, I want to do bigger, better. I'm gonna go back to school for nursing. So that was on the front burner for me to do, and I was working on that, um, basically getting ready to um retake whatever prerequisites were necessary to get into a nursing program and just basically speaking with counselors and advisors and things like that. Um at that time, I was working on the plastic surgery reconstruction team at Memorial Herman. Uh basically um doing all the reconstructive or most of, I could say me and a partner uh was doing a lot of the reconstructive breast surgeries for breast cancer patients. And um, it had become a strong passion of mine. I got trained on breast cancer reconstruction in 1999, which was when I graduated from surgical tech school, got trained at MB Anderson, number one cancer center, and you know, I've seen things evolve and transpire and get better over time. So it's it's a true passion of mine uh to do to have been able to provide um services for those patients. And so that's kind of where I was um when I finally got the breast cancer diagnosis. And it's it's crazy because a lot of times as a medical professional or someone uh in that role, you never think that you're gonna be the patient. So the day came where I was that person.

Valerie 4:42

Wow. So you kind of had to put the brakes on all the ambitions and all the things that you were planning to do. How old were you when you got that? It was 2021, correct? When you were diagnosed. How old were you? I was 41. 41. Wow. That's a lot. So h how did you find out at 41 what what happened?

The Lump, Missed Mammogram, Red Flags

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Um, so at 41 is when I okay, so backstory. Um, COVID was in 20 was during 20. So I didn't have a mammogram that year. Nobody, I don't think, had a mammogram that year because all elective cases were kind of side unless it was an emergency. So, okay, um, back tissue. No 20 2021, no mammogram. I had a mammogram in 19 and 18 for the same mass um that was causing me problems and kind of had just transpired and grown and gotten harder. Uh, the first two times I went for the mammogram for the mass, they told me, you know, it was just normal breast tissue that had kind of, you know, fused together and it happens, you know, pre-menopausal or all that. So, you know, being a medical professional, I had heard those things before. So it didn't really bother me because I knew that it was quote unquote a thing, you know, that happened to women that were going into menopausal or pre-menopausal state. So I didn't really bother. Um, based on the mammogram that I had in which I had the 3D, um, the radiologist told me that it was there were no worries, it wasn't cancer. Um, so I wasn't gonna try to make it be something. Um, so I kind of moved on forward with life. However, uh post-pan post-pandemic, I still had the same mass. It had gotten larger, uh, it had gotten harder to the point to where one day I re I realized that when I reached down to tie my shoes, it kind of, it was kind of like bulged my arm out. Like I had to readjust my arm because it was on the lateral side, meaning, you know, on the outside of the breast, same side with the arm. So I was like, this is not, you know, this something's not right here. Um so I scheduled another mammogram, not knowing that it was the the year to date, I think, uh, two years to date that I had had the previous mammogram. I had no idea it was the same month, same day, two years ago before the pandemic that I had had, you know, the very last mammogram. Um, so that's kind of, you know, what led me up to that. I was having some pain. Uh, would say they were maybe like sharp shooting pain that I had spoken with one of our um well-known breast cancer uh physicians about and she, you know, recommended some some nerve some natural things, just of you know, kind of thinking maybe that it was just like cystic, you know, something. So I tried that, nothing worked. So then that's what led me to schedule the mammogram. Because I was like, okay, what's time again? Because even though nothing was wrong two years ago, maybe something's wrong now. Yeah.

Valerie 7:33

And and no one's expecting that at 41. But so you get the mammogram, you find out that you have breast cancer. When you hear the word, do you have breast cancer, like, do you r what do you remember most about that moment?

SPEAKER_01 7:49

Um, most about that mo well, you know, I knew during that I knew the day that I got the mammogram, I pretty much knew that I had cancer. Wow. The reason I say that, I guess sometimes medical professionals know too much. So I could tell by the way their body language, I could tell. And then the fact that they were wanting me to come back as soon as possible, like two days later for a biopsy. I was like, okay. So I scheduled it. I went back, I got the biopsy. During the biopsy, they were real like just jittery, jittery. They're saying, you know, things that they probably didn't think I knew because I don't think I I exposed the fact that I was a medical professional. So I could just tell by some of the terminology and the concerns that they had, I was like, this is probably something. Uh and the lady, the technician that was there, she just kept giving me stuff, you know, like the free items they had. She was overdoing it. I had got like five or ten pens and so I'm like, okay, this is something. Long story short, uh, they told me a seven a day seven to ten day window before I would get the results from the biopsy. And so waited, you know, patiently waited on some news. The day that they told me, um, the radiologist had already sent the results to my gynecologist who initially sent me for the mammogram, you know, the prescription. Um, he called me over the phone, did not schedule an office visit, just called. I was at work that day. Um when I got the phone call, I was kind of expecting the news, more or less. Um, so I kind of walked away from my desk. He told me what it was, told me that, you know, asked me if it was okay that he'd go ahead and call the, you know, the breast surgeon that he would have me go to oncologist and things like that, and I was like, sure. Um, so I cried a bit. I cried and I I didn't go home. I I didn't I I ran to my director's office at the time because I felt like that was a safe place, and I thank thank God today still for that safe place. I ran to her office, she wasn't there, and I'm texting her urgently, can you get to the office? And she's thinking that worse, you know, in the operating room something's bad has happened. But um I was hysterically crying and explained to her what you know that I finally after five or ten minutes got it out, you know, what I the news I had been told, and she asked me if I wanted to go home for the day, and I said no. I went back to my desk and I I finished working for the day. And I don't think reality set in for quite some time after that.

Valerie 10:14

Yeah, that sounds very intense. And so what was the point when it became real? Like, how did that come out?

SPEAKER_01 10:22

I think it became real maybe once I started getting the phone calls, like literally that same day, and maybe the next couple days, I received phone calls for MRI, for a CT scan, for blood work, for, you know, all these different tests and all these different images that they wanted. And at that point, once I started confirming those appointments, that's when things I think got real for me because I'm like, okay, yes, I'm going through the process of trying to figure out where I am in this stage of breast cancer.

Stage 2B And What Treatment Means

SPEAKER_01 10:52

Yeah. So what stage were you diagnosed? I was diagnosed at at stage two, B, as in boy. So uh the two, from what I understand, um, is basically just like where the breast cancer is based on the size of the mass, uh, the type of breast cancer and things like that. So um my mass was five centimeters at that time, um, about the size of a golf ball, more or less, which is why I felt it, you know, when I was was moving my arm on that side, and then the the B uh because it had spread to my lymph nodes. So I had I had a a a mass that was um malignant, and then um during the surgery uh that they took me in for to get the porticast, which is for the the chemotherapy treatment for those that didn't know, um I they did do biopsy some more of the lymph nodes, and so out of the seven that were taken out, five were positive for cancer. Wow.

Valerie 11:51

So that significantly changes your treatment for those that don't know. So you had to do chemo. Did you do radiation also? I did radiation as well. And you also had surgery. I I had multiple surgeries, yes. Yeah, we'll get to the multiple surgeries later. That's and I was um around for some of that part of your journey. So we'll we'll get to that. But it fascinates me that you spent so much time caring for women with breast cancer.

SPEAKER_00 12:18

Yeah.

Valerie 12:19

And and then suddenly you're the patient instead of the surgical tech and you're on the table. And like you said, sometimes we know too much. Like how, how, how do you how do you process that? Did that make it easier or harder knowing knowing excuse me, knowing what was coming?

SPEAKER_00 12:38

I think parts of it, there were pros and cons.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

So I think there were parts of it that I would rather had not known as far as like the surgical part of it and you know, what was going to be exposed and what wasn't, and you know, the the whole process of leading up to the surgery and what would go on. That part was quite scary to be the patient. However, I think, and I always tell people the the the con part of um having my my operating room history, a surgical history, um, as far as a career concern, it really helped me to understand a lot more of what was going to happen to me and at what point during during my journey things were going to happen. And it made me feel a lot better that I actually knew the physicians that were operating on me and caring for me. Yeah. Um, I feel I actually put my myself in the place of a patient at at some point, and that this is where my journey took a positive turn for the better. Because I put myself in the shoes of a patient that may not have known their surgeon um or or their team, or the, you know, because I got to hand pick my team members because, of course, working in the operating room. I'm like, hey, I want this nurse. That is a perfect person. So I think those things that I had a choice, you know, to the to make. I think those things made my journey a lot easier. Um, but like I said, some of the the downside was knowing what was actually going to happen to the things that most people don't know, you know, until they was uh uh I knew that that part.

Valerie 14:14

So yeah, so you had a sense of control, which normally in this, you know, you're right, like as a patient going into this blind. Yeah. Um, I feel for patients that don't I say this often, like in our line of work, you know, having kind of the insider perspective, like most people don't get that opportunity. So I can imagine the anxiety and the tension and the fear that goes with that. But you being able to have a little bit of control over at least I know who's gonna be in my room and how, you know, how this is gonna go. But from a surgical tech perspective or even a nurse perspective, you don't get to see the recovery part at home, like what the patient's gone through between surgery one and two and three and four. So how was that for you being in between those spaces where it was the unknown?

SPEAKER_01 14:59

It was a it was an awakening, I would say that. Um, every surgery that I had, every recovery that I had was a true awakening uh for how people feel post-op. You know, as operating room staff, our our main focus is to care for the patients in the operating room. And we may or may not see them again. Some of them are repeats, but uh most, I mean, I would say most of the time they're not. So we don't we never hear about the recovery and the drains that they have in, and how do you shower with drains and how do you maneuver, you know, you know, just life in general with the scar and and things like that. Um, I think those are the parts that we don't get to experience, and those are some of the things that were um aha moments for me, I would say, as the patient.

Single Mom Truths, Faith, And Fear

Valerie 15:44

Yeah, yeah. And I want to touch on something else too. During this time, you were a single mom.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

Yes.

Valerie 15:51

So how old was your daughter?

SPEAKER_01 15:54

So at the time of diagnosis, my daughter was nine. Okay. She was nine years old. And to have to tell her that I had breast cancer was one of the worst things I would say that I've had to do in my life. Um, she had a perspective already of cancer having had a classmate that that died from I think it was kindergarten or first grade or so. They had a, you know, she had a classmate that would have these chronic headaches and parents took her to the doctor, she had a brain tumor. Of course they had to tell the class because all the classmates are looking for her. And um unfortunately she wound up passing away from that. Um, and so you know, the class, I guess at that age, learned about cancer and the worst part of it. Like the worst case scenario. Yeah. So um when I did tell my daughter that I had cancer, which I wanted to be the one to tell her, I was very uh um I guess uh it was an urgency that I told her because once I found out and a couple of family members, you know, I shared with the couple of family, I did not want anyone to accidentally, you know, speak of it around her. And I knew she would just be devastated if she heard it from someone other than myself. So it was a somewhat of an urgency after I found out about my diagnosis that I let her know. Um, so I did tell her in the presence of family members, um, just so that she would know that she had um a circle of supporters around her during this journey. However, that was like a death wail. I mean, it was the loudest wail that I have had ever heard from a child. Oh, just to know that her mind went automatically to worst case scenario. So at that point in time, I felt like it was necessary to explain to her that um technology has grown, you know, doctors are great. I was just letting her know how positive things were. Before I told her about that, hey, your mom has cancer. I just my I started my conversation with all the positive things about physicians and uh treatment and technology and things like that, just so that she would have a positive uh foundation before I told her, hey, by the way, you know, I had breast cancer.

Valerie 18:05

Yeah. I imagine that that was a hard conversation. Let can I ask you something though? Just like, did you believe all of that when you told her? Were you or were you kept talking yourself, or did you really like when you had I'm just I'm just curious about your mindset when you had this conversation. Like was it something you were like, I'm gonna be positive about this no matter what? Or or did you really, really believe that everything was gonna come out okay?

SPEAKER_01 18:34

I really believe that everything was gonna come out okay. And I think I think the breast surgeon that I chose was had a lot to do with that. Uh at my f at my very first visit, which is where I, you know, I found out, you know, what diagnosis, what type of cancer do I have. Um, it was at that visit that I realized, you know, I'm in a b yeah, I'm in a much better place than someone was 10 years ago.

SPEAKER_00 18:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:57

Because she explained that to me. She explained based on the type of cancer that I that I was diagnosed with, which was her too positive. Um, she explained to me, you know, hey, ten years ago, fifteen years ago, this was a death sentence, or we didn't have treatment for this, or the treatment that we had or we thought we had didn't work. So um her explaining to me that I was in a much better place than I would have been previously, you know, in past years, just made me feel better. So I feel like that in combination with my own will to fight and beat this, I had it.

Valerie 19:30

Yeah. You definitely radiated positivity even in some of your hardest times. I got to see just just a small glimpse of that, being your coworker. Um, thank you. And so looking back now, what do you think that she learned from watching you through this? Definitely strength.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

I think she learned strength. I think she learned endurance. I think she learned fight. I think she learned prayer. I'm gonna put prayer first because we prayed daily, um, for me, for her. Um, but I think that the strength that she saw me um maintain during the journey as a single mom, um, still providing, still doing all the all the things that we normally did, I think it taught her a lot about what she can do or or accomplish in life, no matter what. Yeah. I was hesitant, you know, as a single mom to still do certain things that I that I would had done for her in the past because I knew that my immune system was challenged. Um, but I just got to a point to where, you know, I was like, you know what, Layla, this is nothing for us to be embarrassed about. So um at she was nine at the diagnosis. I still was able to give her a tenth birthday party. I just provided masks for everybody and I made it like part of the party, you know. Um I I still gave her birthday parties, I still had her in extracurricular activities, she still swam, I still got her to the swim meets, um whatever it is that she wanted to do, I didn't want life to change um you know, for her. And so my goal was to always look like my normal self, which is why I think I always wore a wig, you know, part of the time I wore the wig. Um I always kept kept my makeup on, I kept my lipstick on, eyebrows, even even when they fell out, I would I drew the eyebrows. Yeah. Um and it it was it was my look for her was important because I didn't want her to see me look sick. Yeah, yeah.

Valerie 21:27

It sounds to me like you put those pink boxing gloves on and went for it, is what I hear. Most of it. And that's that is that is something that just proves that mindset really does matter in these situations. And that's not to say that you didn't have down days. If you're comfortable, were there any days where you were like, I don't think I can do this?

SPEAKER_01 21:46

Oh definitely. Most definitely. I think um the surgeries were were were were days. I think post post surgery days, maybe like a a couple days after, you know. When you finally take that look in the mirror and you see the scars that have been, you know, made on your body and that are healing, and you in your mind you try to think, okay, how is this gonna look once it's finally healed? You know how it looks right then, but you know, there there's scars that we don't want. And the look sometimes depressed me, you know, especially before I got like the final revision done. You know, it's like it was like the initial mastectomy where I thought I was gonna look a certain way afterwards and I didn't. Um the f you know, being being a woman, a female, and and having a part of your female b body amputated or cut off. Right. Um, that was it was a big deal mental mentally, it was a big deal. The healing process, the scars, um, especially with during radiation, the burns, um, where skin had been broken and I can't even put on a shirt because I have to sit, you know, just sit there with um Silvedine ointment, you know. Yeah. Um, I got some pretty bad burns at uh during the radiation, and I think it was post-radiation where the worst part happened because they say that your body, you know, internally is still burning three to six months after your last radiation treatment. So my last radiation treatment, my skin looked fine, it looked like a sunburn. But then a month or two later, I mean it got super dark, and then that's when the skin started, you know, to break and things like that. So some of the uh the after effects I think is is not what people understand that patients go through. Yeah. Because they're like, oh, you know, she's done with radiation, she's good. Not knowing that two or three months after I'm still suffering the side effects. You know, things are still coming on, even though the treatment was done months ago, I'm still, you know, the residual effects of the of the treatments are still happening.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:51

And that's the same thing with chemotherapy, you know, a lot of a lot of days I tell myself now, you know, in the present that I I felt better, unfortunately. I felt better when I was going through chemotherapy because they give you so many, you know, steroids and and payments and things like that to, you know, not make you feel the side effects. But then like once that's over and done, and now you're left post-treatment, you know, there's there's side effects.

Valerie 24:18

Yeah, that's that's important to know. I don't think a lot of people talk about that part of the journey. Like, and you know, as an outsider, you know, I haven't experienced cancer for myself. So these are things I wouldn't know, you know. So I I really admire that you're willing to talk about these things because everyone, you know, wants to to support someone going through cancer and they're there for you and they they want to do all the things, but does that stay afterwards? So, you know, the human side of it is everyone asks about treatment, everyone, you know, asks about what's

The Hidden Aftermath Bills, Pain, Fatigue

Valerie 24:51

next. And uh what what do people not ask about that they should?

SPEAKER_01 24:56

I think they don't ask about like, you know, everyone asks about what do you need uh going through breast cancer. So everyone's willing to, you know, support you financially, you know, um monitor, you know, they give gifts, they send things that you need. But it's like you pay co-pays during the cancer journey, but then once you have multiple surgeries and you've had a radiation, uh 25 radiation treatments that you only pay to co-pay for while you were there, you know, it's like the bills are still coming after this is all over, you know, and it's like by the time you have a a one big bill for radiation treatment, one big bill for chemotherapy treatment, you know, and then you got all the surgeries that you've had that you only pay to co-pay for, and then once the the bills are, you know, balanced out to see what insurance is gonna pay, what are they not gonna pay, and you get, you know, the leftover amount, if financially it's still a big deal post-cancer, you know, to s to get these things paid off and make sure that the doctors that cared for you are taken care of.

SPEAKER_00 25:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:58

That and then for me, you know, um, there's still a medication that I have to take to stay cancer free, you know, for five years. So, you know, that's still an expense. And the side effects of that medicine cause other expenses, you know, it's so it's it's like a a domino effect. The cancer the cancer itself is gone and it's over and I'm cancer free, but the residual, you know, joint pain from the medicine that I have to take for five years, I think those are the things that people don't see.

unknown 26:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

I mask it well, you know, I maintain, you know, the joint pain, that's the number one side effect from the medicine. But then it also comes with chronic fatigue. So it's like, how do I maintain energy for my family, you know, my daughter and the things that she has going on and work day in and day out? You know, how do I maintain my energy level when I'm taking something that causes chronic fatigue and joint pain and I still have to walk from the garage to my, you know, my work area. Those are the things I think that a lot of people don't see and don't think about. Yeah.

Valerie 27:00

Yeah. And was there a part of this journey that was harder than you expected? Or is or were you like, okay, I expected this to be hard? I mean, you you are a fighter and you strike me as, you know, none of this being a surprise, yet I know people that are fighters, myself included, that we don't let people see that side. So So what was that part like for you?

SPEAKER_01 27:27

The parts that were in private. Right. Um emotional, I would say. I I I I would say the parts that were hardest for me were were the emotional parts to where I would just literally like, you know, wait until everybody was away from home, especially my daughter, and I would just scream into my pillow and or either I'm driving in my car and you know on the freeway, nobody can hear you. And so I would just scream or or call a friend and just yell, and then like, you know, final after five or ten minutes, what are you yelling for at the top of your lungs? Because I'm like, this is so ugly. I hate these scars, or you know, this is not what I thought it was gonna be, you know, just things like that. And yeah, I I never for a while I would say for the first maybe three months, maybe. I would say the first three months of the journey, I kind of questioned why me. Yeah. Because I I knew I knew how much I cared about even my setup, my table setup for the patients that I that I encountered. I knew how much I cared. I knew how much I put into it, I knew how much I, you know, wanted everything to be sterile and ready. And I l if for if I had the opportunity, I would, you know, um touch my patients and pray for them, whether they knew it or not. And it's like, how do I? How do I wind up as the patient? And then um it kind of things after three months I would say, and things finally set in, I finally realized that it wasn't just oh, you got this. I was I I I turned my table into being the chosen one. I turned because I'm like, you know, God only chooses um challenges for those that can handle it. And so at that point, I'm like, you know what? Instead of saying, Woe is me, I should be honored to have been chosen for this challenge that God knew that I could handle as a single mom with my young daughter. He knew I could handle it. So I'm like, hey, you know what? He knows he knows I'm something, he knows I'm somebody, and he knows I can handle this. So let me put in front of me the fact that I can't handle it.

Valerie 29:34

Hmm. That's beautiful. Where was there any part of this journey in this season that you questioned him? Like, what are you doing? What like why, where? How did you reconcile that? Like you said you, you know, you turned this into a positive thing, which I hear that. How did you do that?

SPEAKER_01 29:54

Um, I think it was just um meditation and literally just trying to sit and hear from God. It was it was prayer, it was meditation, and it was like, what what is what does God have to say to me about this, about why I'm in this situation? Yeah, so I and a lot of a lot of it came um with him wanting me to depend on him more um and and go grow closer, even though I felt I had a pretty close relationship prior to this, it was more, it was it drew closer. And, you know, people always say, you know, their prayer closet is deep, but it got deeper. You know, so it was definitely an increase with my um closeness to, you know, God and the rip my relationship with him and just walking the walk that people needed to see, I

Turning Survival Into Mentorship And A Book

SPEAKER_01 30:42

would say.

Valerie 30:42

Yeah, and and I know that you said God downloaded a book to you during this time.

SPEAKER_01 30:49

Yes.

Valerie 30:50

So tell me a little bit about that book and what that looks like for you now.

SPEAKER_01 30:54

So that looks like that book looks like I wanna I'm gonna go ahead and finish it because I started it while I would go, you know, I was taking chemotherapy. I would sit there. Sometimes I was there for hours, you know. So I would sit and I would write, and you know, I would get uh names for chapters and all that and the cover for the book. I have all that, you know, about the author. I'm just working on um the finished part of it. And for for me, it's an inspirational book that I want to be able, I don't care if it's not a number one seller, if that's God's will for the book, fine. I will accept that. But my my vision for that is to be able to go to different chemotherapy lounges or centers and just to be able to give it to people and bless them um to help them along with their journey. Because that's just something that I I feel is in me. I know that, you know, people people gave me, you know, books and things like that, and it wasn't necessarily anything like what I'm writing or finishing up at this time, but I feel like um it's gonna be something that can definitely inspire and motivate um individuals during any type of journey. I didn't at first I was focused on breast cancer, and then I'm like, you know what, people have other types of cancer. Um, and not only cancer, but people have other types of health challenges that they need encouragement and motivation to get through. So I kind of turned the book into a whole like inspirational, motivational, you know, book instead of just you know focusing on one particular type of illness. Uh because once I yeah, once I got, you know, past, you know, breast cancer, then I started to say, hey, I want to do awareness for all types of cancers. Because I, you know, you see the different color of ribbons. Um, and I didn't want to just, even though that's uh breast cancer has my heart, you know, that's I'm I'm mentoring now with that. Um, but I didn't want to just focus on that because I don't want anybody who's going through cancer, um, and no matter what color their ribbon is, I still want them to know that they they deserve recognition, motivation, and inspiration. So the book will be just an overall, you know, for anybody who's going through any type of challenge that they need, you know, help with.

Valerie 33:11

That's beautiful. And that what a way to turn your pain into a purpose, because that was a tough season. Like you fought cancer for a year and a half, but it didn't end when you finished your treatment, like you said. So it's an ongoing journey, it's an ongoing process. And I've I've um really seen you like we've had these conversations before about where your heart's at with this, which is why I wanted um you to be able to share some of that because you didn't just survive cancer, like you are thriving, even though you still have talented, you're in a place where you can encourage others. And I've seen you take the hand of somebody who's walking through cancer and like, you know what, I just found a stop, boom, I'm right here and I've got you, girl. Like you you are so incredible at that. And it's been an honor to watch you do that. And it's really beautiful to see. Um, and I know that if I had to walk through this journey, I would want someone like you beside me. And I think that it's extremely beautiful. And oh, thank you. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_01 34:12

You know, I take it as an I'll wear it with a bad of a badge of honor because I think that anything we go through in life is to um strengthen ourselves and also help and encourage others and be there for them. And so anytime, you know, I have a friend or a family member or just somebody that knows me in general and they and then I get that phone call, I I put on that badge of honor because I I I really think it's so important for um the downloading into them to take place, you know, as far as like what they might go through or what they can experience or who they can call in the middle of the night. And so, you know, I've I've put myself in a position to be that person that, you know, that is an open book for questions and, you know, research and things like that. Um I I've mentored, I would say, a good maybe ten people at this point. And, you know, it's not necessarily breast cancer. Majority the majority of them have been breast cancer patients, but even patients that have other types of cancer that are just looking for, hey, what works best for nausea or what did you take for pain or, you know, uh um just anything. You know, even my the items that I w I was blessed with that I had left over from my cancer journey that I didn't use, you know, I've been able to bless other people who's gone who are going through breast cancer with some of those things. And I just enjoy it gives me great joy to um meet and greet with somebody who's gonna who's about to start their journey and give them a care packet, you know, with with things that help me, you know, to get be inspired and and motivated to put the to put the gloves on and fight.

Valerie 35:50

Yeah, I love that. And that that speaks to being part of your community and being of service and and love and loving people well. So that being said, who did that for you? Is there somebody in your journey that that loved you in a way that inspired you to keep going?

SPEAKER_00 36:07

And Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_01 36:09

I had I had s I had quite a few people. Um I'm trying to think. There's so many. I mean, I I wanna say this. My family was um definitely there in the beginning. They were my rock. But like friends, the I mean just the outpouring of I can't even say items I needed, you know, from from water, the water that I, you know, chose to drink to insure, to um the body armor, you know, for flavor, for just just things I needed. Um surgical, you know, dressings and pillows, you know, post-cancer. So I mean, ever it it was just an outpouring. Um, I had several mentors during my cancer journey who had gone through breast cancer who, you know, would allow me to ask questions and uh during breast cancer awareness month, you know, take me to the different events to just keep me busy and um not focused on, you know, what the real was at that time. And I truly appreciate those people that that stood in the in the place where I needed them to be during my journey. And I think that's why I'm so passionate and so eager to do it for others.

What Not To Say Holistic Advice And Chemo

Valerie 37:25

Yeah, that's awesome. Um, I do have you know, on this podcast, you know, one of the things that we talk about a lot is being a sacred witness. Like we can't always fix everything. We can fix things. People are going through their process, like we can witness, and sometimes being a witness requires us to just be quiet. And the flip side of that is sometimes people just aren't aware of that. So uh there's a difference in witnessing somebody and trying to fix somebody. And is there was there anything that people said to you that maybe wasn't helpful intentionally but were there things like what what what should I know if I'm gonna talk to somebody that has cancer? What are the important things to know to say or not say? Like, did anybody come at you with something that just doesn't land and like, hey, for the record, don't ever say that to somebody? Like, I want to know these things.

SPEAKER_01 38:15

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Valerie 38:16

Tell me it all.

SPEAKER_01 38:17

I will say, you know, it it's it's bittersweet to to have um to have gotten care at the facility where I work at. You know, it's it's different because people know you and people see your name on the schedule. And automatically, you know, so as as operating room workers, we know that, hey, if someone's getting a portaf, they need chemotherapy. And it seems just like things went so fast, everything moved so fast that before I could realize that I was on the schedule to get a porticast, and everybody in the world that works here is gonna know that I'm gonna get chemotherapy. You know, I had people approaching me, individuals that were like, hey, you don't have to get chemotherapy. And I'm looking at them like, okay, you know, it it was just it was shocking the number of people that were volunteering information that I necessarily didn't want. I just didn't want um, I would say that was a thing. Um, the people that encouraged me to do holistic, uh the take the holistic route instead of the chemotherapy route, that was overwhelming almost. Um the people that um individuals that that n tried to guide me into the direct the direction of not getting reconstruction done, or like, hey, why don't you just do something else there instead of getting reconstructed? And I'm thinking to myself, you know, at 40, I think I was maybe 42 at that time, I had had a birthday, and I'm like, well, you know, I'm still young. I still have to do it. How to go places and so you know, I the thing is I think and I thank goodness I was I was always able to maintain my composure during those those weird questions and and the the advice, the unwanted advice, you know. I never went off on anybody, I never made rude comments or things like that, but in my mind I'm like, how dare you tell me, you know, what I should choose for treatment? You know, my my whole mindset um throughout this journey was to be here for my daughter for as long as I could be. Yep. And you know, based on what I was told, chemotherapy was what I needed. And a lot of people I think don't understand that once you have cancer in a in a place and it's traveled to lymph nodes that are positive, it's in your system. So you need a systemic treatment to get rid of that. And you know, fortunately I understood that. I get I I do I'm a very um I try to treat most things holistically. However, if you have cancer and it's I feel like if it's traveled to an all you know, a different place in your body, the lymph nodes are positive, the closest ones to that area, you need something that's gonna be, you know, in your bloodstream to to get rid of that wherever else it may be. And that's just kind of was my focus at that time. Um I didn't totally throw away the advice uh to get holistic treatment because I at some point I was just tired of chemo.

SPEAKER_00 41:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:19

Um after the first six treatments of chemotherapy and seeing myself and feeling what my body had gone through, I was just like, Okay, I don't know that I want to keep going with this. So I did um seek holistic, you know, physicians and their advice, and even with their advice was for me to continue chemotherapy.

SPEAKER_00 41:43

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 41:43

And so that's what I did. I was like, okay, if I've gone to three different ones and they don't know each other, uh, appointments on the same day, so that I could gather all this information, I'm like, okay, well, obviously if the holistic physicians are telling me, yeah, you need to finish that chemo, then that's what I need.

Valerie 41:59

Yeah, and they're grounded in reality, not like outer space trying to just tell you this might work. Like they were honest with you. That's important. It's very important.

SPEAKER_01 42:08

So I feel like at I mean, you know, even and you asked me like what what were some of the weak points or what were some of my the down days. I think that was maybe like one of my down days where I literally had taken like a day to go to a morning appointment, a noon appointment, and an afternoon appointment to go seek different holistic physicians and see like, hey, let me get it not only a second, but a third and a fourth, you know, opinion to see like, do I really need this much chemo? Because it's, you know, it gets it gets to be discouraging when you have to go and get the pork hooked up and you're sitting there and there's bags to be hung and you're losing your mind because the four walls in that room are closing in on you. You know, it's just like, okay, do I do I really need to to keep doing this?

SPEAKER_00 42:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:49

Um and so that was I think that was one of my down days when I was like, I had to accept the fact that I needed uh more chemotherapy than what I had already had, you know, six plus a surgery. I was I I was ready to be done. You know, um that was after the first six. Long story made very short, I wound up having twenty.

SPEAKER_00 43:09

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 43:09

And that and that was at every three weeks, you know, every three times I had a total of twenty. So it was it was a lot, you know, and it was it was a big, it was a large pill to swallow, especially after the first quarter of them. I wanted I had had enough, I I thought, in my mind.

Valerie 43:25

No kidding. That I can't even imagine that, Daniel. That had to be really hard to swallow that for sure.

Reconstruction, Scars, And Acceptance

Valerie 43:31

And, you know, it's got me thinking as you were talking about, you know, our body image and our femininity and like how this isn't what you expected. And so now that you've seen reconstruction from both sides, both, you know, as the surgical tech side uh prior to having all this done. And then now you're on the other side of that. Has this changed the way that you think about body image and femininity? It definitely does.

SPEAKER_01 43:57

Um, I see, you know, why people come back for like the revision, you know, after revision. I talked to you earlier about some of the patients that we may see, you know, two or three or four times to try to get things right and get their body image back to what it was uh pre-cancer or prior to the diagnosis. But it's like, you know, it's important. It's it's really important when a woman looks in the mirror and she wants to see herself the way she came into this world. Yeah. Um it's and it you know for s it's more important for some than others. You know, some people are just like hey, you know, I'm at a certain age, I don't care. But I think for the for the and you know for I would say for some of the young and some of the older women, you know, they still want the look. You know, and it just they'll they'll do whatever it takes to to get that. Um there are still days that I look in the mirror and I'm just like I'm not happy. But on the flip side of that I have to be grateful for the creativity and the level of skill that the plastic surgeons have that they're able to recreate as as best they can. Yeah. Um I think that I think the thing that that I the the statement that I keep at the front of my the front of my head day in and day out when I look in the mirror or when I get out of the shower and I'm not a hundred percent happy but I'm like seventy percent happy is the fact that my plastic surgeon would always tell me like every visit, pre-op, post op, you know, he was like our goal is to to to have you looking normal as normal as possible with clothes on. And so I kind of have to say okay you look this way in the mirror you have scars um this is up this is not even with this but how do you look with clothes on? And that's what most people see. Yeah.

unknown 45:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:56

So I just have to, you know, on my I still have nowadays even now because the scars, I don't care how much scar treatment you g you put on and they never will completely go away. And you will always have a reminder of what you went through as a as a breast cancer patient. And you know I I could tell you every scar on my body whether it's a dream hole or what I could tell you what it was from. And that's because you know it it kind of stuck with me when I was going through that time. I'm like, oh yeah this is this was this strain from this surgery and this was this strain from two surgeries after that. You know, it's just it's amazing how things stick with you. And you know I I at the end of the day I think we have to look at the at the glass half full and not half empty because um I'll never forget my a a very close friend of mine gave me a a poem about scars. Um it was it was after one of my surgeries and it was you know with the get well card and it it basically told a whole story about the scars that that we have and what they say about us and our strength. Yeah. And so I tried to you know have that engraved in my mind because when I look in the mirror and I get unhappy and I'm like uh why is this still here? Why won't this scar totally disappear still partially there? And I'm like, you know what all of these things tell a story about me and who I am and what I've been through and what I've survived and overcame and sorry I'm getting emotional. No don't be sorry girl I got you. So the scar you know anybody out there who has scars that are from surgeries or um medical challenges, you know, just let them tell the story and remind you of how strong you are and what you've been through and what you've overcome because at the end of the day we're still here and that's what m that's what's most important to our friends, our family, our children and and other people that love us.

Valerie 47:54

Yeah I think that's beautiful well well said Taniil well said. And you know if a woman is facing reconstruction right now what would what would you want them to know I would want them to know that um things are going to get better and things are going to look better.

SPEAKER_01 48:12

As someone's going through reconstruction right now it's probably you know um the beginning phases of what things will potentially look like you know I would say things are going to settle different from what they are now. Scars are going to heal and at the end of the day, you know uh acceptance is key. Acceptance is key.

Valerie 48:35

I think that's huge. Yeah.

Life After Cancer What Matters Now

Valerie 48:38

Yeah. So talking about life now um you know three years cancer free. Yay amazing. I love that and you're just radiant and um it's so beautiful and such good news. Not everybody has that outcome but for you you did and you you've got a purpose to encourage others and I see you doing that and it's amazing. But I want to ask you one thing. Okay. And so having that experience and and walking through cancer what what has cancer made you unwilling to waste time on um I would say anything that doesn't matter basically um foolishness, drama, opinions of others that's that's that's huge.

SPEAKER_01 49:30

Powerful um though that that I don't waste time or thoughts or energy per se on those things anymore because I think going through what I went through and getting on this side of the fence as a survivor um I take every day for what it is, which is life. You know, every day is life every day I'm I'm still here every day is purpose. And so for me to fulfill that purpose I have to be focused on the things that matter and not things that don't matter. So things that don't matter or you know like I said um negative energy um hearsay stuff um anything that's just not you know on the positive scale of things to me you know are just not worth putting my energy into. And I'm gonna and I say that with with a with a a sentence to follow. There are negative things that happen in life that I still put energy towards because I know that I can make them better. So you know if it's something like for example someone calls with a diagnosis I'm gonna give that example that's not necessarily a positive thing but it's worth me putting my energy into because I feel like I can help better that situation. Yeah.

Valerie 50:49

So you get to decide what's important and what matters and what doesn't matter. So that's important. And I think that's for anybody. I I live by that too like I get to decide what I'm gonna put my energy into and sometimes we decide to put our energy into something that may be worth it even though it's hard or maybe not the best news. You know like you said I love that example. It's not always about avoiding the pain or avoiding the bad like we it's inevitable we're gonna face those things and and we get to choose what drives us and puts one foot in front of the other I love that.

SPEAKER_01 51:22

Yeah has it changed the way that you love um yes absolutely I love um I think more like nowadays love is more unconditional because I had to go through a period of time because like I said when I was diagnosed I was a single mom so I had reality kind of set in for me like hey I s I still want you know marriage and I still want a husband. God has blessed me with that by the way. But you know I realized I still want those things and I want someone to look past my faults and my scars and you know all the surgery holes and things like that. So you know if I want unconditional love from someone and I want someone to love me and look past what I've been through, you know, without fear of you know whatever someone's fear might be, you know, having someone who's who's gone through cancer, I've I've learned to love unconditional um after what I've been through. And that's for not only you know my my husband that God has blessed me with that's with my daughter that's with my family members that's with my friends. Um it's helped me to love more unconditionally because I know and I think all of you know not only myself but people that are in my circle we all realize that life can be cut short. And so you know it's important to love without um letting the things that don't matter interfere.

SPEAKER_00 53:04

Yeah.

Valerie 53:04

That's beautiful. That's really beautiful. And if more people could get a hold of that I think this world would be a better place.

SPEAKER_01 53:10

I think so I totally agree

Let Go And Release Stress

SPEAKER_01 53:12

with you. Yeah.

Valerie 53:12

Yeah yeah um thank you Tanil for your beautiful light and your love and your story and one thing I like to ask all of our guests um you know and especially as you mentor others through this experience um you know we hold space for others we care for others we pray for others we love others all of the things but ultimately you have to take care of your own self too so what are some of the ways that you release the things that are not yours to carry and the things that um are not yours to uh to carry on like holding space for someone is one thing um but how do you walk through that process of self-care and releasing that in your own story on the day to day what does that look like for you um I would say prayer prayer is the main thing daily that holds me.

SPEAKER_01 54:03

I pray morning for sure morning, noon and night sometimes in between a lot of times in between and I think that prayer in combination with letting things go that you can't control that's very important now. Because I it's it's it's it's more so important that I don't carry stress um as opposed you know as a survivor it's it's not good. So I've had to really condition myself and learn to live a life that is as as stress free as I can make it. Um and so with that to me um and I often have someone had to remind me the other day, one of my church members um and I and I thank her and I love her for this because I was carrying some stress not knowing that I was and she told me to let go and let God and I had been doing that for a while, but you know we get comfortable or we get you know life takes uh this turn or that turn for us and we forget we forget the principle that we stand on or that we stood on before the stress came about. And so I think I would give anybody that particular advice you know let go, let God pray and we only we only have control of so much in our lives. And before we end the show I would I mean the talk I would definitely I want to let the audience know that you are amazing. No I think you met me you came back to our OR when I was I don't know I was I know it was before surgery. Um but I thank you for for coming over to um I think it was one of my treatments. That's when I first met you you came over with the other some of the other ladies to um a day that was a huge milestone for me. It was the very l the last day that I had to have chemo and radiation together. I mean it was it's those days that I had to have both were huge. Um because I had like I said I had chemo every three weeks but radiation was every day for five weeks and you know it was a lot of those you know a couple times it fell on the same day. So I thank you for um just being an open book and becoming my friend and understanding and accepting me unconditionally um for what I was um at that time. I know I think you met me when I probably had no brows and no hair and no lashes and and you still loved me as a friend. Still you you welcomed me with open arms and I thank you for that and I think that you are an amazing pillar in our community.

Valerie 56:28

Oh thank you and don't make me cry geez that's the nicest thing you could ever say thank you very much. And I mean that I I truly mean it. Oh well I thank you for for the same you've just always been a bright light where we are at work and I know this is outside of work but I'm just so grateful and honored that you would um give us your story and and trust me with that. And I know that the witnesses that got to hear your journey will take something from it whether they're going through cancer or they're going through divorce or whatever loss they're going through there's there's ways to process that grief and that um I just hear so much hope in your story and I love that about you. And before we close I just want to take a moment as we do at the end of every episode you know what's coming guys we're gonna just take a moment and take a breath in palms up and then we're just gonna push our palms to the sky release our breath and let go of something that doesn't serve us today. Thank you Tanil.

SPEAKER_01 57:31

Thank you so much for having me on uh it was an honor to be um on with you guys today and I thank you very much for having me.

Valerie 57:39

I love you. I love you too friendly oh guys thank you for witnessing Tanil's story today. Um I hope that you heard from her the things that I know about her that she's kind generous thoughtful keeps it real tells it like it is and she is and so that's very special to me that somebody can just be authentically themselves. And one of the things that me the most from this conversation is the way that she refrained her scars what once reminded her of last events and a reminder of survival and a life that she's a car I think that is incredibly powerful. And I think that's true for me anyways so many of us first cards may not all be difficult to talk about being first cards I think that's profound if we all have scars that maybe I just hope that the story reminds you that feeling it's always about returning to be a few sometimes it's about becoming someone faster maybe more deeply rooted in what matters thank you again for spending this time with us to help this conversation first and that you would consider sharing with somebody who maybe as always remember that you are loved and worthy of being fair. See you next time