STOP FEELING GUILTY FOR STAYING TOO LONG - GIRL! YOU DID YOUR BEST!!

It's one of the most painful thoughts that haunts us after leaving: "Why did I stay so long?" In this episode, we dive deep into the complex emotions around timing and regret after ending a difficult relationship or marriage.

You'll discover why that voice in your head saying "I should have left sooner" is both completely normal and incredibly unfair to yourself. We explore the invisible forces that keep us tethered—trauma bonds, financial fears, children's needs, societal pressure, and the hope that things will change.

This isn't about beating yourself up for "wasted time." Instead, we'll reframe those years as part of your journey and growth. You'll learn why self-compassion is crucial for healing and how to honor both your survival instincts and your courage to finally leave.

We'll also address the myth of "perfect timing" and why there's never a "right" moment to upend your life. By the end of this episode, you'll understand that your timeline was exactly what it needed to be—and that regret can coexist with pride in your strength.

If you've ever wondered "What took me so long?"—this episode is for you. It's time to release the shame and embrace your resilience.

Topics covered:

• Understanding trauma bonds and why they keep us stuck
• The difference between regret and self-blame
• How to practice self-compassion during healing
• Reframing "lost time" as necessary preparation
• Moving from regret to empowerment.

Transcript

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Welcome to the Restart Academy. This podcast is for divorced women who are rebuilding their lives after devastating divorces. If you've been searching for a place where you can finally have the real conversations, the controversial ones, the embarrassing questions, the messy truths about what it's actually like to heal and rebuild after your marriage ends, you've found your safe space. I'm your host, Timmy Samuel. I'm a wellness coach and a podcaster and I'm dedicated to helping divorced women navigate this journey because i've walked the exact path myself over a decade ago i went through my own devastating divorce and i know firsthand the unique challenges the shame the confusion and the complicated emotions that come with rebuilding your entire life from the ground up here we don't do toxic positivity or surface level advice we dive deep into the stuff nobody else wants to talk about the relief you might feel after divorce the guilt i about prioritizing yourself, the fear that you'll never trust again and all those thoughts you've had but feel too ashamed to say out loud. So whether you're fresh out of a marriage, years into your healing journey or somewhere in between, you belong here. So get comfortable and let's get into this episode. I'm genuinely excited to dive into this with you. My dear friends, my dear sisters, my dear moms, today we need to talk about one of the most painful emotions in divorce recovery. The one that eats at you in quiet moments. One that makes you feel stupid and weak and foolish and bitter. One that keeps you awake at night with a sick feeling in your stomach. Today we're talking about regrets. Specifically the regrets about how long you stayed in your marriage. So if you've ever thought I should have left years ago, if you've calculated how many years you've wasted trying to make it work, if you've beaten yourself up for not seeing the signs sooner or not having the courage to leave earlier, then this conversation is definitely for you. Because I'm here to tell you something that might surprise you. Listen, you're a human being. You're allowed to regret how long you stayed It's only natural. In fact, that regret might be one of the healthiest emotions you can feel right now. I know it sounds strange. And let me just paint a realistic picture that I know will be familiar to many of you. You're looking back at your marriage timeline. You can pinpoint the moment. Maybe several moments when you knew it was over. Maybe it was three years before you actually left. Maybe it was five years. Maybe it was a decade. You knew deep down in your gut, but you stayed anyway. Because you genuinely loved this man. You kept hoping things would change. You considered the children. You kept giving second chances, third chances, twenty chances. You kept believing that if you just tried harder, if you loved better, if you were If you communicated more clearly, if you lost weight, if you were more industrious, things would get better. And now, you're free. And instead of feeling relief, you're concealed with regrets. Why did I waste 5 years of my life? Why did I waste 20 years out of my life? Why did I trust my instinct? I'll never get those years back. I could have been building something beautiful with someone else instead of trying to fix something that was already broken. I knew it. Why was I so stupid? What's wrong with me? The regret feels overwhelming because it's not just about time loss. It's about life unlived. It's about the version of yourself you could have been if you'd left sooner. It's about the experiences you missed, the growth you delayed, the happiness you postponed. And then to make it worse, people tell you that you didn't feel regret. Don't look back, they say. And then the famous one, everything happens for a reason, okay? Okay? You learn the bottom lessons. Focus on the future, not the past. Focus on the kids. But you know what? That advice just seems useless at that point when you are dealing with regrets about years of your life spent in a relationship that was slowly killing your spirit. A part of you was dying slowly every time. But here I want you to understand first, you see. Regret about staying too long. It's not a character flaw on your part. It's not a sign that you are stuck in the past or being negative or ungrateful for the lessons you learned. No, that's not what it is. That regret at this moment, sit down, is giving you information. It's your wisdom. Recognizing that you made choices that didn't serve your highest goods. And... You recognizing it is not as if you are punishing yourself. You are growing from it. Think about it this way. I want to give you a different perspective to this. If you don't regret staying too long, what does that say? It might mean you haven't fully processed what you endured. It might mean you are still minimizing the impact of those years on your well-being. It might mean you haven't fully recognized your own worth. The fact that... You regret those years means you now understand that you deserved better. That your time has value. That your happiness matters. That your peace of mind matters. That your children matter. That settling for less than you deserve was a mistake you don't want to repeat. That's not dwelling on the past. I think that's learning from it, no? Now, let's really look at it. Why you stayed? Let's break it down. Because I think if you don't understand this, it will not help you ease the self-blame that comes with regret. You didn't stay because you were stupid or weak. You stayed because of your own values. Because for very understandable reasons, you stayed because you loved this man. You stayed because you hoped it would get better. And hope is in character flow. It's a beautiful quality. Even when that hope is sometimes misplaced, you believed in the potential you saw in your ex-husband, in the marriage, in your future together. You stayed because giving up at that time felt like failure. And you're not someone who gives up easily after making your commitment. You stayed because you made commitment and you take your commitment seriously. You promised for better, for worse. And you meant it. You stayed because you believed that love should fight for love. That relationships take work. That marriages go through rough patches. You stayed because living felt scary and unknown. Maybe it even had the courage then. Why has it felt... safe and familiar even it was making you miserable. You stayed because you were worried about the children, about finances, about judgment from family and friends, the society. You stayed because society told you that divorce was failure, that good women make their marriages work, that successful people don't quit when things get bad or when things get hard. You stayed because you are afraid of being alone, of starting over, of admitting You'd been wrong about this fundamental choice in your life. You stayed because your partner promised that they would change. You wanted to believe those promises. You stayed because there were good moments mixed in with the bad. And those good moments gave you hope that your relationship could return to what it was in the beginning. You stayed because you loved him, like I said before, even when love wasn't enough. You stayed because you were trauma-bounded, even if you didn't understand that at that time. You stayed because living felt like giving up on the dream of the life you had planned together. All of these are valid reasons for staying. Who don't want to stay like that? You're a human being. None of them make you stupid or weak or a lowlife. They make you a beautiful person, a human being. But here is another thing I want you to understand. Those reasons for staying were based on the information, the emotional resources, your background, your knowledge, the programming and circumstances you had at that time. You made the best decision you could with what you knew then. You can regret those decisions now that you have more information in different circumstances without beating yourself up for making them. How long will you keep doing that? Regret doesn't mean you should have done better at that time. It means you know better now. And that's moving forward. That's growth. That's not you failing. Let me tell you about the different types of regrets I hear from divorced women all the time because I think naming them can help you understand what you are experiencing. There's practical regrets like I regret wasting my fertile years trying to have children with someone who didn't really want to be a father. I regret not building my career because I was focused on supporting his dreams. I regret not saving money or building credit in my own name. Then there's emotional regrets. I regret all the years I spent working it on eggshells. I regret how small I made myself just to avoid conflict. I regret losing touch with my best friends, my close friends because he didn't like them. There's opportunity regret. I regret not pursuing that job opportunity because he didn't want to move. I regret not traveling when I was younger because he wasn't interested. I regret not dating that person who was interested in me before I got married. Then there's the growth regret. I regret not developing confidence sooner. I regret not learning to stand up for myself earlier. I regret not trusting my instincts when they were telling me something was wrong. Then there's the one of time. This is the big one. I regret giving my 20s to someone who didn't appreciate them. I regret spending a decade trying to fix something that was fundamentally broken from the beginning. I'll never get those years back. All of these forms of regrets are valid. All of them make sense. All of them can coexist with gratitude for the lessons you learned and the growth that came from your experience. But my dear, you can regret the years you stayed and be grateful for the strength you developed from it. I'm here, that's why I'm here, to motivate you, to give you another perspective to whatever you're feeling, the challenges you're going through now. You can wish you'd left sooner and acknowledge that you were not ready to leave until you were. You can mourn the time lost and still celebrate the wisdom you gained from it. You're here now, you're listening to me, you made it. These are not contradictory feelings. They are the complex emotion of someone who is processing a significant life experience. But Here's where regret can become problematic. It becomes problematic when it turns into self-attack. Instead of self-reflection, when you start talking derogatory to yourself, when it becomes a way to punish yourself rather than learn from your experience, rather than learn from the mistakes you made. Healthy regrets and there's unhealthy regrets. And now I'm going to break it down for you. Healthy regrets, let me give you an example, is I stayed longer than was good for me. And I understand why now. The unhealthy regret, let me tell you how it sounds. Listen to me. I'm an idiot for staying so long and I'll never forgive myself. You see the difference? Let me give you another example. Healthy regret says, I wish I trusted my instincts sooner. Unhealthy regret says, I should have known better. Now I've ruined my life and my children's life. Healthy regret says, those years were not what I wanted them to be. But unhealthy regret says, those years were completely worthless. I'm just a fool. The difference is compassion. Healthy regret includes compassion for the person you were who made those decisions. Unhealthy regret is just another form of self-abuse. And I always tell my sisters, I said, listen, if everybody knew everything, nobody would make mistakes. And here's what I want you to remember when your regret feels overwhelming. You were doing the best you could with the emotional resources and information you had at the time. That version of you who stayed wasn't weak or stupid.

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You were doing

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or laid back. She was probably scared. She was probably ignorant, naive, hopeful, committed, and trying to just honor values that matter to you like loyalty, faithfulness, perseverance, steadfastness. She was also probably isolated from her own instincts by manipulation from the ex-husband, gaslighting, or emotional abuse. That you might have been drama-bonding in ways you didn't understand. You might have been operating from childhood programming about relationships, about marriages, about your own worth. That woman, the one who stayed too long, she deserves your compassion, please. Not your contempt and hatred and dislike. She was surviving in the best way she knew how, with the tools she had available. What do you want? And here's something else about those years that feels wasted to you. They weren't entirely wasted. Sit down, listen to me. Even if they were not what you wanted them to be, you were still living. You are still living. You are still learning, still developing parts of yourself, even in a difficult situation. Maybe you became more resilient. Maybe you developed patience or problem-solving skills. Maybe you learned about your own capacity to endure difficult circumstances. Maybe you gained empathy for other women in similar situations like I do now. Maybe you had experiences with your children, moments of joy, accomplishments at work, friendships that sustained you, creative projects that fulfilled you. Maybe you travel to places you wouldn't have otherwise seen. You learned new skills you wouldn't have otherwise developed. Maybe you didn't do any of this and so what? I'm not saying these things outweigh the cost of staying too long. I'm not suggesting to you that you should be grateful for years of unhappiness. What I'm saying is that Your life during those years wasn't entirely without value even if the marriage was harmful to you. You were still you during those years. You were still growing and learning and becoming more of who you are, even in the circumstances that were not ideal. There's no circumstance that is ideal. Those years contributed to who you are today. And who you are today includes the wisdom to recognize that you deserve better. Let me give you another way to think about that regret that might be helpful to you. Instead of seeing it as punishment for past mistakes, I want you to see it as information for the future choices you would make from now on. Your regret is telling you something important about who you are, your values, your needs, your standards from now on. The fact that you regret staying too long tells you that you value your time and your happiness. The fact that you regret ignoring your instincts tells you to trust them more in the future. The fact that you regret set Playing for less than you deserved tells you to raise your standards going forward, no? Think about it. Use it as a powerful motivator to make different choices now. It will help you to recognize red flags more quickly. It will help you to set boundaries more firmly. And then prioritize your own well-being on a consistent basis than before that was half-hazard. if you process it as information rather than punishment. I'm going to quickly address something specific that I hear from a lot of women. That's the regret about age. I wasted my 20s on him. I gave him the best years of my life. I'm starting over at 40 or 45 or 50 when I should have started over at 30. This regret is painful because it's tied to societal messages about women's value decreasing with age, about having missed some imaginary deadline for happiness, about being behind in life because you didn't figure things out sooner. The life you're building now, at whatever age you are, is still your life. The love you might find in the future, the experiences you have, the person you're becoming, none of that is diminished because you didn't start sooner. You're not behind shadow because there's no shadow. You're not starting over late because there's no deadline for creating a life with love, is there? And honestly, the woman you are now with the wisdom and knowledge you've gained from your marriage, the boundaries you've learned to set now, the sense of your own words you've developed, she's probably better equipped for healthy relationships than the woman you were 10 years ago would have been. So sometimes staying too long While I know this is painful, it teaches us things about ourselves and about relationships that we needed to learn before we could build something better. Of all the women I've talked to that are divorced, and when you're trying to make a marriage work and all of that, and you're spiraling in all that dysfunction, you lose so much of yourself that when you come out, you start relearning a lot of things. And that's positive. You see, I'm not suggesting you should be grateful for the pain. I'm suggesting that you can acknowledge both the cost and the growth without minimizing either of them. Here is what I think is most important about processing the regrets you are feeling. It should lead to self-compassion, not self-attack. It should lead to the wisdom you gained, not shame. It should lead to better choices going forward, not a kind of paralysis about your past mistakes. If your regret is making you feel hopeless about your future, if it's convincing you that you are doomed to repeat the same past mistakes, That is something generational. If it's keeping you stuck in self-blame and guilt and bitterness, then you're not processing it in a healthy way. Healthy processing of regret looks like this. You see, let me explain it. You acknowledge that you stayed longer than was good for you, you know? You understand why you made that choice at that time. You forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now. Or if you cannot forgive, let it go. And you use that knowledge to make better choices going forward. It looks like honoring both the pain of those years and the growth that came from that, it looks like grieving the time that wasn't what you wanted it to be while also celebrating the strengths you developed during that time. It looks like using this regret as a catalyst, as a fuel for creating a better future rather than a weapon for punishing your past. Do this to yourself, please. I want to give you some practical ways to work with regret in a healthy way. And this might sound silly to some people. They say, that's not what I need right now. But it works. When you're tired of being tired, you will try this. First of all, write about it. Or you can use your audio app on your phone and record yourself. Get specific about what you regret and why you regret. Don't just stay in the general feeling. Get clear about what exactly you wish had been different They would have, could have, should have. Then for each regret, try to identify what it tells you about your values and what you want now moving forward. If you regret not prioritizing your career or building a career, what does that tell you about the importance of professional fulfillment in your life right now? If you regret not trusting your instincts, what does that tell you about the importance of self-trust? then I need you to practice self-compassion for the person you were who made those choices. Because without self-compassion, you can never heal. Without self-compassion and being honest with your feelings, you can't heal and nobody can do it for you. Write yourself a letter of understanding of unforgiveness. Acknowledge the circumstances, the fears and hopes that led to your decisions. without you excusing their impact on your life. Let that sink in. And finally, I want you to identify real concrete ways you can honour your regrets by making different choices moving forward. For example, if you regret not developing a kind of independence, what steps can you take now to build that? If you regret for not standing up for yourself more, how can you practice that skill in current relationships? Because all this transforms regret from a source of suffering into a source of knowledge. It's a source of wisdom. Makes you wise. It's on us about your pain and your growth without getting stuck in either of it. I also want to address the comparison trap that often comes with regret. You look at other women who left sooner, who seem to figure things out faster, who didn't waste as many years, and you feel even worse about your own timeline. But everyone's journey is different. Don't you know that by now? Our fingers are not equal like they say. Apply it to this regret that you're feeling. Everyone has different circumstances, different resources, different programming, different fears to walk through. The woman who left after two years might have had financial independence you didn't have. Have you thought about that? The woman who recognized red flags immediately might not have the childhood experiences that made you more vulnerable to manipulation. We're all the same. Your timeline is your timeline. Your journey is your journey. Your timeline is your timeline. It's your journey. Comparing your chapter 3 to someone else's chapter 10 will only make you feel worse without providing any useful information. The only comparison that matters is between who you were then and who you are now. And I'm betting that if you're honest about it, you can see significant growth between those two versions of yourself. Be honest with yourself. And here's something else I want you to please consider about those years you regret. What if they were necessary for your growth in ways you can't fully see yet? You have not lived your life yet. What if you needed to experience staying too long in order to develop the certainty and strength to live? Have you considered that? What if you needed to learn those lessons in order to never repeat those patterns again? I'm not saying that suffering is always meaningful or that everything happens for a reason. What I'm just suggesting here is that sometimes we have to learn things the hard way and the wisdom we gain from difficult experiences can be profound and necessary. The woman who left her marriage after realizing she had stayed too long has different wisdom than the woman who left at the first sign of trouble. Neither of the approaches is wrong but they create different kinds of strength and self-knowledge. Your regret might be part of a necessary process of developing the standards and boundaries you need to never settle for less than you deserve again. It might be that it is teaching you to trust your instincts in ways that will save you for the rest of your life. That doesn't make the pain worse as I know, but it might make it meaningful. Let me tell you what I hope for you as you walk through this regret. I hope you You can see that the years you regret were not entirely wasted even if they weren't what you wanted them to be. I hope you can use your regrets as foil for building the life you actually want and deserve rather than as an evidence that you are doomed to repeat past mistakes. And the most important one, I hope you can find compassion for the woman you were who stayed too long. She was doing her best with what she had maybe she didn't even have any teacher no mentor she did it all her own show her compassion she deserves your understanding not your content not your attack and i hope you can celebrate the woman you are now who recognizes that she deserved better That recognition, even if it came later than you wish it had, is a victory worth celebrating. Your regret about staying too long is valid. Your pain about the time. that felt wasted is real that's your reality we can't deny it but your capacity to build something better from today forward is also real you can never get those years back no but you can use the wisdom they taught you to make sure the years ahead are everything you want them to be You might say, oh, that's consolation prize. No, that's not consolation prize. That is the whole point. That's why the regret, as painful as it is, might be exactly what you needed to feel to never settle for less than you deserve again. Okay? And that's a wrap on today's episode. It's been a long episode but I needed to share this with you. So before you go, I want you to remember something. That the fact that you're here listening to this, investing in your healing and growth, it takes courage. I know you are courageous if you walked away from a toxic marriage. That tells me you are courageous. You're not just surviving your divorce. You are actively choosing to thrive in your restart journey. And that's something to be absolutely proud of. So if today's conversation resonated with you, which I definitely know it will, please do hit subscribe so you never miss an episode from me. And if you know another woman who could use these conversations, share this podcast with her. Sometimes knowing you're not alone is the first step towards your healing. And if you want more support on your restart journey, send me an email at support at therestartacademy.com Tell me anything you want to tell me. Share your story with me. Until next time, remember, you are not broken. You're just rebuilding, restarting your life. You're not behind. You're exactly where you need to be. You're in this world. Celebrate that. Some people didn't make it this far. And your restart story is going to be an incredible one. Talk to you soon, friends. I love you so much from the bottom of my heart. And have a blessed day. Bye for now.