Morning Waltz - The Split: Reclaiming Yourself After Divorce with Laila Aitken

This week, I’m sitting down with Laila Aitken, a divorce coach based in Los Angeles, to talk about what divorce really looks and feels like.

We get into the emotional rollercoaster, the overthinking, the identity shift—and how to start trusting yourself again when everything feels uncertain. Laila shares how her own experience shaped the work she does today, helping women move through separation with more clarity, confidence, and calm.

If you’re in it, coming out of it, or questioning a relationship, this conversation will make you feel a lot less alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Who am I now? Because I was married, then I was a person getting divorced, right? Which can be up to like, you know, how many years it takes. And now what am I? Their identity is so wrapped up in their relationship, they actually, you know, they don't know who they are. It's incredible.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

Hi, and welcome back to another episode of the Morning Waltz Podcast. I'm your host, Elisa Walters. And on today's episode, I am so excited to be having this conversation. I think it's such an important topic to discuss. I am joined by Lila Aiken, also known as the split coach. And Lila supports and speaks on supporting women around navigating major relationship transitions, divorce, separation. Thank you so much for joining me today. I'm really excited to have this conversation. And I think it's just such an important topic. And the work that you're doing to support women is just incredible.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Thank you so much. Well, I'm happy to be here and I'm happy that I get the opportunity to actually shed some light on this topic, you know, as much as we can, because there's so many things we can talk about around divorce, separation, relationship. But yes, this is hopefully we can highlight some things that might help some, you know, listeners out there.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Yeah, absolutely. Well, I want to take it back to the beginning with you. How do you describe the work that you do?

SPEAKER_00 1:37

So, and I've described it in so many different ways, but I think in the end, I'm a divorce and relationship strategist. Part of the experience of divorce is helping yourself as well. So it's a relationship with self during the process in which you're untethering from somebody that you've been with for how many years it doesn't really matter, right? There is an identity that you've had. So I kind of strategize with them and help them and support them. I've called myself the doula, divorce doula, you know, I've called myself, you know, divorce coach, um, life coach, all those things. But at the end of the day, I really am kind of walking the path with them and I'm strategizing with them and I'm supporting them and helping them to really kind of find their own voice in the whole process.

SPEAKER_01 2:24

So well, that's it. I I love that. And I love all of the different the doula, the strategist. I think that there's so many really um fitting titles for the work that you do. Would you mind sharing um what led you here? Was there a personal experience?

SPEAKER_00 2:43

For sure. Um, I didn't set out to work in the world of divorce and separation for sure. I landed this into this kind of world because of my own experience. So I would say 17 years ago, which is insane to me to remember that. It's wow. So my daughter's turning 17. I was pregnant while I was going through separation, ultimately a divorce. Um, so new mom divorce at the same time, which is overwhelming in itself on one of the categories, right? Um, but having both in my in, you know, in front of me, it was like, okay, I need to um figure this out. I don't have the opportunity to take a hot minute. I have to like kind of navigate this. I've got to do the best I can with the resources I have. Um, and I have I relied heavily on my lawyer. And I realized, I think a lot of people do that, right? Because, well, they're they are the ones with the answers regarding the law. And the law is a scary thing. And you're going through a divorce for the first time. It's like, oh my God, this is the first time you're dealing with lawyers, more or less, dealing with the courts. Um, very scary, right? So you're super overwhelmed with all of those and the decision making. And then plus, I was going, you know, through this whole experience of being a new mom. Um, so I I kind of educated myself through the process as much as I could, um, which I also realized that I was up against somebody who was pretty difficult, unfortunately, and kind of wanted to fight and you know utilize the court system, you know, to kind of scare me, I guess, right? And so um I became about, I would say three years into my divorce, and I would say I was in and out of court for 10 years. Not all divorces take that long. Mine actually, the financial bit took maybe two years. It was the the parenting, co-parenting, all those aspects. But I became a mediator. So I certify myself as a mediator. Uh, this was in London, UK, where I was living before. Um and through that experience, I actually learned a lot about negotiation, um, techniques, and strategies on communication. Because when you're communicating in a highly stressed-out manner, or and you're just in fight or flight all the time, you're not communicating in the best way possible. Um, and it's hard to kind of actually tone it down when you're in that because you feel like you you have to respond, you feel like you have to get your point across and you're never getting it right because you're in a fear-based state, right? Um, so I've gone through this journey of really learning alternative ways of how to communicate, how to negotiate, how to strategize throughout this process. And I really help people through it because and I help them get into a calmer state. So it's not just I'm doing the work, right, for them. I am helping them and supporting them through that, like reaching that calmer state. So where they are making decisions from a more of a love-based, calmer-based state of mind. Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

Where where do you see somebody coming into the fold to work with you? At what at what point in this process? Because it sounds like early on, there's a lot of emotions that are running high. Um, and you're trying to separate that from also making sure that I mean, divorce in and of itself is a process and making sure that you're getting you're advocating for yourself in that process. You're getting the right things. But then there's also that that emotional side. So at what point would somebody come and and start working with you?

SPEAKER_00 6:43

They, I mean, I've had people coming, you know, when they're the should I say, should I go state? And they're afraid because what is life gonna look like, you know, with half the time that I just get to see my kids, the financial situation, like there's a lot of fear and scare, but they're not happy. They're unhappy. And we navigate that and we walk through that. So what does that look like, right? Sometimes actually they realize it's almost better to just stay in the relationship because and work on it, you know. So it's not that everyone that I work with on that stage actually go through the divorce itself. There's a lot of um work that I do that's kind of self-coaching. So it's like your relationship with yourself is so important throughout the whole process, by the way. Um, and and getting to that confidence level, right? So should I say, should I go? The initial, obviously, it's ideal that they're, you know, I'm working with them from the beginning because that can help mitigate a lot of those stressors of fears, um, potentially bad decisions, because you've got a partner by your side that is not emotionally invested, but is somebody who can really like stay there with you and strategize and help support you to make the best decisions possible, right? Educate you as well. There's a lot of education going around. Like, obviously, I can't get give legal legal advice. However, there's a lot of the world in which I know of, like, you know, there's certain things that I know that can happen in court, outside of court. How do you speak to your lawyers? You know, that's another relationship that you're navigating that you've never navigated before. A world that's unknown, right? In so many ways, because it's scary. I've had so many people come to me like, I'm scared of my lawyer. Oh wow. Right. Yeah, it's interesting. Um, but I've also had people in the thick of it and just cannot breathe and they don't know what to do. So they reach out to me and are like, just help me get through this stage. Um, and I've had post-divorce, lots of to post-divorce people who are still navigating the co-parenting aspects of things and the relationship with self. Right? It's like, who am I now? Because I was married, then I was a person getting divorced, right? Which can be up to like, you know, how many years it takes. And now what am I? Right. It's like who are my my identity? I've had um there's a there's a huge surge in this, in the category of divorce of like they call it the silver divorce, where people with kids who are going off to college really decide that, oh, we're not really happy with each other. And they end up getting divorced. Um, but they've been together for like 20 to 30 years, right? And that's a big chunk of someone's life.

unknown 9:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:33

So if you think about that, it's like, wow, their identity is so wrapped up in their relationship, they actually, you know, they don't know who they are. It's incredible. They've lost who they are. They're like, well, my identity is I'm a wife or I'm a husband, you know. And I tend to work more with women. Um, but there are men that I have worked with who are willing to do the work so that they can get through this the best way possible.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

Yeah. I feel like it's uh whatever side or, you know, it doesn't matter your identity. This is you're you're both dealing with it and navigating it in a, you know, in a in a different way.

SPEAKER_00 10:15

A hundred percent. And also it depends on the mindset. Like other lot of times that I'm I tend to, I would say 90 almost, I would give it like 95% of the people I work with are up against a situation where there is a difficult character on the other end, right? There's so much charge and emotion inside of that, um, and so many triggers. And I will say that, you know, it's interesting because you always feel optimistic about somebody showing up a different way, but they're showing up the same way they've always showed up, but you've never really noticed it because you kept it together, because you were married. So it's like under this umbrella of marriage, you feel that you've got to work on it, you've got to make it happen. You're gonna do every which way. You compromise, you compromise on what your happiness is, who you are, how you communicate. There's so many things you start losing touch with of self, right? And then you get to a point where you're now untethering and you're dividing finances, you're dividing child, you know, time, you're like dividing all these things that that just fuels so much anger and and fear and fire into the whole mix that they are showing up on the other side in a fight mode. It's like fight, fight, right? Like I want to fight, I want to get in this, and I want to win, but there's no winning.

SPEAKER_03 11:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

You know, no one really wins. Um, we say a lot we in in the world of divorce, it's like fair is the F-word of divorce. Because there's nothing fair, right? Right. Um and you and people need to, it's like once you have that mindset that go, okay, there isn't, it's not about winning. It's about just having this um sense of agency over myself where I can actually feel good about whatever I'm how I'm behaving, how I'm acting, what I'm I'm saying. Do you do you see what I mean? It's yeah, it's really more of that. So I can walk away with it, away from this, whatever the outcome is, feeling a bit good about who I am and how I showed up.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Right. That's interesting. And I I want to dive into because you talk a lot about how it starts with you and it starts with the self-love and and reconnecting with you and your identity. Um, this is two part because I I would love to understand when you were going through your divorce with your that identity, because you were navigating, you had a new identity of being a new mom, you had an identity of wife during, and you mentioned it took 10 years. During your journey, at what point did you realize there was maybe a sense of loss of your own identity? And how did you reconnect with that? And I the this two-parter because then I also want to then understand how you help other people come back to that.

SPEAKER_00 13:18

So for me personally, it was a very interesting time in my life because I was also running a company. So I had another baby. Um, and it was at the time quite successful. Um, it was something I enjoyed doing. I ran a jewelry business where I was designing and producing and distributing jewelry around the world. Um it's my creative side, I love it. It I enjoyed it. I was um, you know, in this world in which I just kind of I felt great every day going to work. I was enjoying myself, but I was very much the designer, the jewelry, you know, in fashion, you know, that was an identity that I was really, I have created for myself and this wife and a new mom to be, right? And becoming a mom. And so I realized, I'm like, wow, there was a lot. It was like all crashed down. And what happened was none of it all mattered because I didn't believe in myself anymore. I'm like, whoa, I just failed. I just failed in this marriage. How am I even gonna keep the business going? How am I gonna be a good mom? I mean, all these questions were happening in in me and around me, and all of, you know, kind of drowning myself in this self-talk. And I realized that I just had to sit with it. There was no way of me pushing it away. Of course, I went to therapy, you know, I of course I spoke to a lot of my friends and family and relied on them. Um, but at the same time, it was in the moments of silence. It was the moments within myself and with myself that I actually found the answers. And that's what clicked for me. I was like, oh, you can be in action mode for sure and get things done, but you need to give yourself that silence. You need to give yourself that moment. When my daughter was, you know, finally sleeping or didn't need me to breastfeed or whatever it was, those moments, I really sat in that silence to figure out, like, okay, what is my next step? And who am I? And slowly, slowly I kind of started finding out who I was. I, I, it was interesting because I wrote to all my friends and family and asked them to tell me, you know, give me three words that they think describes me in an email. And I remember sending it out, and everyone came back with all these beautiful things. And I didn't think they were gonna say anything bad, but some of them were like feisty, which I was like, all right, I am. I'm Italian Pakistani, like, yes, I'm feisty, you know. It's so, yeah, own it, right? And it's great. So it was, it just gave me so much charge. And I realized you should be asking the people around you these things, you know, because it's nice to know what they how they see you, because then it reminds you, okay, yeah, that I am that person. Let me tap into that. Like, let me refind that person that I lost in all these identities. Because like you're not those identities. You are you. You are how you show up, you are how you speak, how you navigate, how you treat people. Yeah. So early on, I actually learned that even though my ex wanted to fight, I'm not gonna get in that ring with him. Right?

SPEAKER_02 16:34

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

I you can't do anything about somebody taking you to court. You've got to go and show up at court. But you can do everything about how you and what you are fighting for, and how are you positioning yourself in that? How are you speaking? How are you communicating? That I can own.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

Right? Also letting go of anger. So part of this journey and during this process, when you are kind of tapping into self again, it's really hard to do that when you're in anger state or fear state, right? You got to get into a loving state, a loving base state, let's call it. And so, in that state of mind, how do you get to that, right? How do you get to that when you're stressed out, you're scared, you're tired? Well, there's always something. Like my daughter was a great example, right? Just looking at her got me into this state of mind, putting her to bed, doing this stuff, like all these things that I use a lot for me to get into a state of mind in which I could start actually thinking clearly. Right. Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

How when when you're in that state of being angry and you have to find that that that moment, and for you, it would it sounds like it was your daughter. And how what are you what do you do for your clients who are like who are filled with anger, who can't kind of see beyond that when they gotta come back into you know that starting point of their their self, their identity?

SPEAKER_00 18:09

So first of all, it's like also understanding what the trigger is, right? So it's like, what was that trigger? What was the thing that got you angry, frustrated? Because there always there's always something, but it's always the story in which we put on to that something. So I learned, I learned like there's facts and there's stories, right? So, and I teach them this and I kind of support them through this, and I'm like, what are you looking at? Are you looking at the story behind it, the charge behind it, or are you looking at just the fact? Like the fact is I got a lawyer letter that I have to deal with. Okay, right. The story is, oh my God, it's never gonna end. I'm always gonna get this lawyer, you know, these lawyer letters. He acts like this, she does this, blah, blah, blah. Like then it becomes this charge in which you just start going into this angry mode, frustrated, scared, fear, and you can't think from there, that place.

SPEAKER_03 19:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:06

You certainly can't think from a place of like who you are, because you've just been taken away into this whole tangent, into this other place and this other dimension in your mind where you're there's no way that you can communicate from that space, you can move forward from that space, right? So you have to get back into this kind of space. And what does that do? Is you stop and observe. That already helps you, right? Stop, observe. Like, am I? I'm so angry right now, but what am I angry about? Like, ask yourself these questions. I tell them all the time. It's like, even if you stop to ask and don't have the answer, just you stopping to ask that is going to lessen the charge that you have within yourself.

SPEAKER_01 19:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:52

It's gonna subdue it.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

And identifying that emotion or that trigger is um just enough to kind of bring that to the surface, brings that awareness.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

A hundred percent. Just identifying it. You don't have to have all the answers, but it's like, oh yeah, and this is the maybe the story, but what are the facts in that story? Right? Because often I get clients who are like, he's gonna do this, she's gonna do that, you know. I know this is what he they always do. Um, I'm gonna have to fight this. I'm gonna have to, you haven't even gotten to that yet. So you're taking one fact, that's where it becomes so fearful to go through the process because you're already making up the story of what's going to happen when it didn't happen.

SPEAKER_03 20:39

Right.

SPEAKER_00 20:40

And you're and you're moving away from the actual factual thing that you're gonna have to deal with.

SPEAKER_03 20:45

Right.

SPEAKER_00 20:46

So there's no way that you're gonna deal with that when you're in the heat of the story and in fear mode.

SPEAKER_03 20:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:53

Yeah. So that's how you know I help them. Like, so they'll come to me angry, upset, frustrated, sad, whatever it is, around something. And then we're like, okay, let's identify the trigger first. And let's see what the story you're telling yourself around that is. So identify the trigger, identify the emotion. So it's not just the trigger, but the emotion is really important to understand, right? Because everybody doesn't like a lot of times we just go, we're happy, we're sad. You know, we don't have this like plethora of vocabulary around, we have it, but we don't use it, right? So it's also understanding, it's like, what is that feeling that is triggered? Right. So whatever it is that triggered you, the feeling state of what it created for you. And from that feeling state, what's the story that you were telling yourself? Right. And then from that story, what did that trigger? So sometimes, a lot of times, I find that people come and they are in sadness first, right? Then the story happens and then all of a sudden there's anger. It's like But anger just is a form of sadness. Right. But it's also you're navigating grief in a lot of ways. Loss, grief, um, identity crisis, like what who am I, what am I? Um, a loss of self, a loss of relationship, a loss of, you know, the identity, um, and a loss for the person. I mean, a lot of times, you know, you're you're gr really grieving the person that you you thought you were really with.

SPEAKER_01 22:40

Yeah. I imagine that especially when you're you're navigating a divorce that's taking years, that there might be a moment at which somebody is ready to just give up or give in. And and and whatever that might be like, well, it's it's just easier to stay, or it's easier to just let let them have that or you know, not fight on that. Um, is that something that you see with with clients that you work with where you're you might be from the outside looking in, seeing somebody like you have to see this through. It's it's for the you know the betterment of your your identity and yourself. And and how do you help them tap into kind of staying the course and not giving up and not letting fear dictate that decision?

SPEAKER_00 23:34

Well, there's this, there's for sure a burnout. I'm gonna be honest with you. Um you know, and there's such an overwhelm, especially when you have kids. Um and, you know, you're a lot of energy is going towards that and worry because you know, you're constantly wondering, oh my God, how are they gonna make it through all of this? Right. So um a couple of things that I help them with in identifying is actually the fact that this is one of the most important um transitions you're going to go through, right, in life and decision-making process. So this is your life you're dealing with. This you got one chance at this, right? You got one chance. And you don't want to go down the line, you know, 10 years from now and go, I wish I did this, I wish I did that, right? And I'm not saying you're encouraging you to fight. That's not ever what I'm saying. But be make smarter decisions from a place in which you are clear, clear-minded. Is this what you really want? You have the right. Like I say, the divorce is a marathon, not a sprint, right? And it's as fast as the slowest person. You gotta take your time. You gotta take your time and take a deep breath and don't rush through anything. And and stick with the things that, you know, just have a lot of discernment and what it is, what's important to you. You know, if you're telling me that my kids' education, you know, I um it's so important for me that they have X, Y, and Z, but my ex is really fighting me on this. Okay, let's let's think about ways in which we can slice and dice this and communicate this in a way that is healthier, that you go, you, you create a more back and forth, it's a possibility, right? Um, a lot of times people are afraid because they don't have agency and the decision-making process for their children, which is really tough. And that's where the give up happens a lot, right? And there is always a way in which you can get to a place where you can communicate better and more productive to your ex rather than from anger and frustration, so that maybe something can happen. And I'm not guaranteeing that people come to the table and say, Oh, yeah, sure, let's, you know, but it happens a lot. There's a shift. When you talk to somebody that you are divorcing or separating from, and you change your tone and you change the way that you communicate, it just changes the dynamic. You know how they always say, if you want your partner to show up in a certain way, then you should be showing up that way.

SPEAKER_03 26:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:22

So that it kind of you lead by example and you create that atmosphere. So a lot of relationship, you know, coaches or um therapists will always say that. It's like, well, you can't expect the other person to come to your plate and do those things if you're not also showing up and doing that.

SPEAKER_03 26:41

Right.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

So how can you expect the other person to come your way or to listen to you or to understand you if you're not communicating to them in a way that's conducive to that, right?

SPEAKER_01 26:54

Sure. And I I love that. I think just in general, emotional regulation is so important. And but I have to ask, because sometimes it's it's easier in theory than in execution. What are some what are some regulation tools that you might offer? And and somebody who might be coming to the table prepared to have this, you know, very calm, you know, emotion free conversation, but then gets triggered in the moment.

SPEAKER_00 27:27

Um, so one of the things that I always say is when you feel yourself in a heated situation, sometimes it's really good to get your um, and I don't know if the viewers are actually gonna see all of this, but like you snap your fingers and say back in the room. So I'm like back in the room. And by snapping the fingers, I hear it. And my whole body realizes it's like, wait a minute, get back into the present, but get back into this, not where your head is going, not all the frustration and anger, but like back in the room. And I honestly, that really just jig like it almost makes me, and I almost like redirect, or my front my clients are like, this is so amazing because sometimes I just I don't even think about that anymore. I redirect and start thinking about something else. So you let that whatever thought, whatever action that you were about to take, or whatever's happening and whatever is charging you into this state of fear, anger, frustration, all those things, the amygdala brain is going like this. When you snap your fingers and say back in the room or something like that that gets you back into a space, you're getting yourself out of that amygdala brain, like that that churning. Do you see what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 28:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:34

Um, very important to do action with it, like some kind of thing. Like some people say that it's good to like hug themselves really tight, right? And do something that really is a physical thing and a verbal thing to get you back out of that spiral. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

I love that. I was in a over the holidays, I was in a room where I was I was helping and there were hundreds of people and it was really loud. And um the way that the woman who was running this event was getting everyone's attention, she would be like, clap if you can hear me, and then clap twice. And it was just like the way that she was able to regain control of this room. It's like, yeah, there's something about that that sound, that physical action that you you pause and you're like, I'm back, I'm present. So I love the back in the room when I decide that.

SPEAKER_00 29:30

Yeah, because well, it's great. I mean, I I it's like, and the snapping of the fingers for some reason, I get the vibration in my ears and that really resonates, right? And you know, a lot of times, like I said, I work predominantly with people who are, you know, uh untethering from somebody who's quite difficult, who likes to fight potentially, you know, who uh wants to win and and um might not see what's best for the kids. Right. Right, right. Um, which is a hard one, real hard one. One of the things I will say, and one of the tools I will use, so this is a tool that you know is really helpful, is I always say, you know, we always say take deep breaths. Okay. Well, deep also stands for don't engage, explain, or personalize. Okay. Because a lot of times you want to engage in somebody else's kind of like they're they're they're hook, they're like throwing that, you know, the bait, right? And you're like, okay, are you gonna hook into that or you're not, right? So don't, you know, explain, engage, or personalize. Really important to remember when those moments happen when you are getting triggered by that person.

SPEAKER_01 30:46

Sure. You brought up an interesting, especially with with deep, um, when it comes to if a woman is navigating or or people are navigating divorce and there are chair children involved, that co-parenting dynamic. Um, what is the biggest thing that you see when it comes to co-parenting that really is detrimental to somebody's healing moving forward? Um, and what are some tools to be able to navigate co-parenting in a healthy way?

SPEAKER_00 31:24

Well, often I will say that I I see that people think um the other parent should is going to show up or should show up in a way that by the way they've never have, which I think is really interesting, right? Often I will get females mostly coming to me and it's like, well, I do everything. You know, I work and I clean and I I look after the kids and they don't do, you know, all those things. And and they're expecting their ex-partner to show up as a parent that they never actually showed up at in the beginning, right? Or to change their that dynamic. So that's really interesting. It's like noticing that. Like, wait a minute. So you're fighting this battle that you're hoping this other parent is going to show up in a way that they never have. And you, it's almost letting go of that kind of control of this outcome that the other parent should show up in a certain way when they're with the kids, right? It's acceptance. There's a lot of acceptance. There's not much of a tool for that except to realize that your kids only need really one good parent in their lives, right? That is supporting them, that is holding that space for them, that is doing the things that they they need, you know. And so if the other parent isn't doing that, it's sad. It sucks. I'm not saying that it doesn't, but there's nothing you can do about it. And fighting that, right, is only going to hurt you. And guess what? Your kids will see that.

SPEAKER_03 32:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

And so now you're in this situation where your anger, frustration, sadness, all those things, your children are being witnessed or witnessing it, right? Whereas they just kind of need you to be that parent that's solid, that's present, that's there for them, that does the things that maybe your ex doesn't do.

SPEAKER_03 33:13

Right.

SPEAKER_00 33:14

Right.

SPEAKER_01 33:16

It's it's that's the that's interesting too, because I mean, as kids get older, they start to see it. I mean, kid, kids are smart, they feel it, they pick up on things like that. Um, but in that moment of, you know, why doesn't mommy or daddy come to this game, or um, you know, or bringing somebody new into the dynamic is like, oh, um, mommy has a new boyfriend, or daddy has a new girlfriend, or whatever. Um it's it's that valid, how how do you navigate finding that acceptance and also still showing up for your for your kid to to kind of because you don't also you don't also want to speak ill about the other person or or badly about the other person to the child, but how do you kind of support your child through that when you're also trying to navigate acceptance and forgiveness or whatever other feelings?

SPEAKER_00 34:18

So I always say be curious. Um when oftentimes my clients will come to me and be like, well, I've just been sideswiped because my kid just told me that my ex has a girlfriend, or and I'm like driving the car. And like, how do I like my reaction was crazy? And I was like, it's okay. Like, don't beat yourself up if your reactions aren't perfect. Let's face it, kids are going to always blame us for something down the line because we're parents. Like, just I mean, you know, therapy exists because of parents, honestly. Like, let's face it. So, so you know, we can't be perfect, and they're always going to find their own story around who we are. So own up to it. So if you react in a way that you're not happy with, always communicate that with your kids later on in a calm manner. Not happy the way they way that I reacted. You know, I was kind of taken back and um just understand that that sometimes grown-ups have these, you know, these emotions that they can't contain and it's not right for me to do that. And, you know, just address it, right? No matter what age they are, address it. Don't throw it under like it's a normal thing, right? Um, the other side of it is that if they ask it for you and you're kind of like, okay, be curious about it. Ask, you know, like if they're sides wiping you and you it hasn't happened yet, when the that time comes and you find out through your kids that your ex has a partner, then, you know, hey, all right, well, are you, you know, are you enjoying that? Um, how do you feel about that? Like, let's ask questions about it. And they might not answer. I don't know. Fine. They might do that because a lot of kids do that. Okay, great. Um, you know, but open up the door for them to expand further if they want to speak about their emotions. Be that container for them. As hard as it is for you, it's like love your kids more than you hate your ex.

SPEAKER_03 36:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:16

You know, and it's always that perspective that you have to realize that how you show up for them is going to help them navigate all these crazy circumstances that it's the first for them, right? Until it's not, until they're used to it, until they figure it out. Um, it's not an easy, like I'm not saying that that's an easy thing to do, but it will help your children. If you know, you engage in a space, you allow them to have a space to speak about it and their feelings, if they have any, if they want to, no pressure.

SPEAKER_03 36:51

Right.

SPEAKER_00 36:51

But if they're telling you something, it's because they want to get it out. They want to see your reaction, they want to see it. Is it okay? Because remember, they're going through their own emotions around it.

SPEAKER_03 37:04

Yeah.

unknown 37:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:06

So allowing them to speak about that. Um, when you are dating somebody and you know, you're haven't told your kids yet, but you want to. Again, I think that your children are always looking to you for um cues. Like, how are you feeling about this? Like, are you nervous? Are you scared? Are you upset? Should I be? Because, you know, from the ages from one to eight, by the way, like we're learning not through language, not through words. We're learning through cues, through body language. Okay. That's how we're learning to react, to understand, to all of that from all the people around us, right? So if that's the case, it's like we're always taking cues from your parents of like, well, if you're okay and you're, you know, the way that you laid it out, the way that you communicate it is this way, then okay, I have nothing to worry about.

SPEAKER_01 38:03

Yeah. I think that's also where kids learn how to emotionally regulate. And, you know, because in situations that are contentious, divorce, I mean, I'm a I'm a child of of of divorce, and you you think about things of perception, I think is a really big thing that is a lot of kids become perceptive when they come out of a divorce of divorce family because they're, you know, how's mommy gonna react to this? How's daddy gonna react? Is daddy in a bad mood? Is mommy in a bad mood? It's it it's interesting, those, those defense mechanisms that you pick up. Um, so I love that and being curious and and being mindful of how you respond to your child, because not only are you giving them permission in that moment, but you're also helping them navigate emotional regulation later on in their life.

SPEAKER_00 38:59

Yeah, and you're giving yourself a hot minute. Like you are. So remember, asking a question takes you out of the anger because you're like, oh, I'm this is a fact that my kid is telling me. And so let's see what's going on and why he's telling me, right? Or she's telling me, like, let's figure out what it is and if they want to talk, or you know, how do they feel about it? And sometimes kids don't even have a feeling around it, they're just saying it.

SPEAKER_03 39:23

Yeah, true, true.

SPEAKER_00 39:26

There's no meaning to it, but they want to see your reaction to it.

SPEAKER_01 39:29

Yeah. It's almost the that's the proverbial snap your fingers back in the room moment of asking the question. I love that. Yeah. So I want to know. I mean, we've we've talked about communication, we've talked about coming back to your identity. Um what about the what's next? Um, what happens after you've you've you've kind of come out of it, you've reclaimed that identity, you've worked on it, you're building that trust with yourself again. Um what happens? What do you see with your with your clients as kind of that aha moment? What's next?

SPEAKER_00 40:08

Oh God, you know, this is the most beautiful place to be. Like, and as a as a you know, a strategist, coach, whatever you want to call me, doula, honestly, it's like the doula who gives the birth and sees the kid and is like, aha, you know, there is it. And this is the birth of self of like again, and I when I see this in my clients, I'm like, I'm not kidding you, and I don't want to sound like weird, but like it's like the the happiest thing for me to see because I know it's in them. So it's interesting. So you can imagine everybody I've spoken to, especially the first console. Let's say the first time initial conversation I have with them, pretty much almost everyone cries. All right. They're in emotional state, no matter where they are in the process, by the way. Um, they are in their story, in deep in their story, heavy in it, right? Have created even more stories out of that, right? Um, and I see the evolution of like where they have come from to where they go. And the I, the things that they do from this is incredible. Like they're tapping into things that they've never done before, right? Some people are like learning to climb, you know, the other ones are like learning to surf and they're going on trips and you know, they're doing things that are out of their comfort zone. They're going to parties that they don't know anybody and they've never done that before, right? As a as a person on their own. Um, they're showing up for their kids in a very different manner. They're more present with them, they are allowing that time to happen. So there's there's all this thing, all these things that I see as an end result. They're so different, right? But I always see it, is what I'm trying to say. So no matter where anybody has come to me with whatever state they're in, I always see the beauty in it. And it's I always tell them early on, and by the way, they hate it when I say this, but I'm like, this is a gift. They're like, How is this a gift? What I'm going through is not a gift. I'm like, it's a gift. You will see. I trust you, you will see. And then that's it. We don't talk about that anymore. But then later on, they're like, Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah. This has allowed me to be the person and do the things that I've always wanted to do that I never I just kind of put to the side because it wasn't in the cards, you know?

SPEAKER_03 42:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:26

Um, because of the relationship.

SPEAKER_03 42:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:29

Or I didn't have self-confidence because of that relationship, you know? And so uh, but because of the self, the lack of self-confidence, I stayed in it. And now, oh my god, I'm this free spirit, and I really believe in myself. And I mean, I've seen the most beautiful things and outcomes.

SPEAKER_03 42:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:50

And it always happens.

SPEAKER_01 42:52

I I love that. I love that. I think I I I'm curious how you see it unfold for somebody who's maybe ready to go into the next stage of maybe dating or getting into another relationship. Because I mean, obviously, again, I shared with you I'm single as the day is long, but I've also, you know, there have been a lot of situations in my past and separations that have been like, I worked really hard to build this self-identity and this peace within myself. And I don't want somebody to come in that I guess what I'm getting at is that level of trust in yourself. How do you rebuild that trust that you're like, yeah, I'm gonna do that again and I want that again, and I'm not gonna lose myself in that process.

SPEAKER_00 43:36

Absolutely. So, so remember, like, and I always say this, you know, we attract what we emote, right? Like, how are we navigating our lives, what we say, what we do, we're gonna be attracting all of that. And that's just common knowledge in the universal law of attraction, right? Really is. So if you're an angry person and you're out there, you're gonna cultivate and bring, you know, more anger around you. You because you want to justify that anger, right? So same thing goes for this peace of mind, this excitement, this adventurous side of you now that's out, this like curious side, right? You're going to attract somebody from that, right? So you have to trust that. So you trust yourself is not about um, I've got to find somebody, right? It's more about I'm gonna attract the person that I belong with or the person that I can be with from a place of more, you know, happiness, self-love. And that's a journey. So I often work with simultaneously with that self-love piece. And there's a lot of those aspects that, you know, people have a lot of resistance with because they've been told certain things for so long that they really believe it and they have resistance to get to a place where, like, but you're you're not that those things, right? Um, but so trusting yourself is a journey, but more than that, it's like, are you happy with how you're showing up in this world every day? The decisions that you're making, that you're doing, that you're saying to other people, how you're navigating it. If you're happy with that and you're you're content with that, like you're going to find somebody that it matches that from that place.

SPEAKER_03 45:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:24

Right? Um, it's interesting because I also do work with a matchmaking company. Oh. Yes. And they asked me to be one of their coaches because it it's called three-day rule and they're great. And what they do is they give coaching to people who um to who sign up. And why they do that is exactly that. It's like, are you ready? Like you, I know you want to date, I know you want to find that person, but are you really ready mentally? Are you there? Or do you like have this? You know, what is your self-talk? What are you saying to yourself? Because all of that matters when you're going in to these dates and these relationships, right? So it is very interesting. And, you know, they have asked me to to be one of their coaches because um they recognize that a lot of people are going coming out of either a marriage or a long-time partnership or whatever it is, or toxic relationship. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:31

I have a couple of friends, as I mentioned, that are, you know, are on the other side of their divorce. And some it's I hear a lot like, I will never get married again or I will never do that. So that putting that final, I'm never gonna do this again. And it's it's balancing that of having you know, wants and needs and desires, but also staying true to the person that you've worked really hard to become post-separation, post-divorce. Um, so yeah, it's interesting.

SPEAKER_00 47:07

And you and you will know that you know, it's so interesting because you have so much more awareness. Don't be afraid that you're gonna get back into that same trap, right? Now you're aware, now you know yourself, now you've done the work. You know, it's like there's no way that you're gonna go back to the way that you were. Right. It won't. And it you're not gonna track that kind of a uh scenario again when you've got so much self-awareness, yeah. And trusting that. And I always say, what you say, you know, vibrates everything. So it's like, be careful what you're saying, you know. Why do you need to even label like I don't want to get married again? Like it there, it could be a partnership, it could be whatever. It doesn't have to look like it, but doesn't have to be said. It's just like, you know, I'm never gonna how about I'm never gonna lose myself in a relationship again. I love that. That's a better way of framing it, right? That doesn't say that it's about marriage or partnership or whatever. It's just like I'm never gonna lose myself in a marriage in a relationship again.

SPEAKER_01 48:08

Yeah. No, I love that. Well, I know we're coming up on time here, and and I do want to ask you, um, just kind of as a as a kind of a sum-up, if somebody, if one of our listeners is going through this and they're thick of the loss of a relationship, a marriage, and this in the thick of transition, what is one thing you would want them to hear right now? Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00 48:33

Um, so well, I'd I'd like to just say that they're gonna be okay, all is going to be well. Um, and I know that, you know, it's hard. I've I've been privy to some of the craziest stories. I mean, crazy stories that even I would be like, oh, I don't know how this person's gonna come out of this. And they always do. And they always come out a better version of who they ever were. So have faith, you know, um, trust thyself, you know, and your instincts and your gut. Um, and don't and really don't if somebody is being difficult on the other side, don't uh reflect who they are, right? Don't be, don't get caught up into that vortex. You do you.

SPEAKER_01 49:25

Great. And if somebody wants to find you or work with you, um, and some of the stuff that you might be working on uh as you move forward with with your coaching work, um, I would love to hear about that.

SPEAKER_00 49:41

I'm on Instagram, the split coach. Um, but uh yeah, they can email me. I've got Lila at the splitcoach.com. So easy to you know email me and reach out to me. And but there's ways to even, you know, book consults with me on Instagram or my website. So all right.

SPEAKER_01 50:02

Well, Lila, this has been incredible. I appreciate the the very open, transparent conversation and just um sharing your wisdom and knowledge and and and again going back to how important of a topic this is. So thank you. Thank you, and thank you for having me.