Stop asking 'What Do You Do?' at singles events

We are burnt out on dating apps and in-person singles events are having a real moment. In this episode of Shift and Receive,Alexandra shares her full playbook for making singles events actually work, from the mindset shift to walk in with to the exact order of moves that sets your night up for success. 

She covers when to arrive, why you should do a lap before you touch the bar, how long to stay with any one person, what to say instead of "what do you do?", and why giving your Instagram beats giving your number. If you've been to a singles event and left feeling like it was a bit of a bust, this episode will change how you show up to the next one. 

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Let yourself be a little bit mysterious. Let yourself just go a little bit more with the flow. Let him talk. Let him just show how fantastic he is to you while you lean back. Welcome to Shift and Receive. I'm Alexandra Belrose, your host, hypnotherapist, and EFT tapping expert. I specialise in all things love, subconscious rewiring, and manifesting the amazing relationship and life you've always dreamed of. Let's get into it. Online dating apps are out, and singles events face to face are so in. This is a pattern that we have been seeing for the past few years, where, especially as millennials, we are getting so tired of the online dating thing. It's not working out, it's time sucking, and it really doesn't get you the results that you want. I have been to so many of these events, and I am here to tell you how to make them work for you. So before you go to the event, there is a mindset piece here. You don't want to go into a singles event with the thinking, this is where I'm gonna meet the one. It puts a lot of pressure on you and is just too much expectation. Just go with the idea that you are going to get at least one person's number without the thought that they are single, that they are going to be your person. I have made friends at singles' events that then introduced me to other people that led to things. So this is an important thing to start with. Don't go in thinking this is the event that I am going to meet the one at. Because yes, you never know, but having that expectation and that pressure on you is just not going to help. The other thing that I want to add here as well is how you dress. You probably are going to go after work. A lot of these events happen during the week. But whatever it is that you wear, make sure that you feel comfortable in, that you feel pretty in, and also that you wear comfortable shoes. You're gonna be standing on your feet a lot, you're gonna be walking around, and you don't want to be in uncomfortable shoes. Before you go to the event is also when you get to the event. If you are nervous, if this is like a first singles event for you, my advice is to go in early. I know that that sounds so counterintuitive, but hear me out, bear with me, because it's gonna make so much sense. If you go in when it is early, like the first 15 minutes to the event, there is lower pressure and the event will be less busy. So you're not gonna have to fight for attention, but also you're not gonna feel like you're going into a room where everybody is already taken. However, if you are a veteran of these events, if you are very bubbly, you can talk to anybody, very extroverted, you have zero qualms in interrupting a conversation and just going for it, you can go a little bit later. Go and have fun. That is the main thing that you need to think about when you are going to these events. It's fun. You're talking to people, you are practicing your skills, you are meeting new people that you wouldn't have met in other circumstances. Low pressure. Then let's get into the advice when you are at the event. The first thing I'm going to say, put your phone away. You get in there, you get the ticket on your phone, and then you put your phone away. It can be so off-putting if you are there and you are scrolling on your phone. It's not very approachable, but also it is so distracting. And because we are also addicted to our phones, even if you are not using it, but it is in your hand, as soon as you feel a little bit nervous or awkward, you are gonna go directly to your phone. So put it in your bag, put it in your pocket, and just forget about your phone. Now, a lot of these events happen in bars. Whether you drink alcohol or not, it doesn't matter. What I normally recommend is to do a lap before you go to the bar. When people get to these events, a lot of people just go immediately to the bar and then they're holding on to their drink for dear life. What I recommend is do a lap before you go to the bar, see if there's anyone that might spark your interest, that you might want to talk to, and then you can start having that conversation and then leave to get a drink later on. This way, two things can happen. One, you leave them wanting more, if the conversation really is flowing, if things are going well. And the other thing that can happen is that then you have open for someone to show that intention and get you a drink if things are going well. So this way, before your first drink, you have already spoken to someone, you have maybe started really getting on with someone and really having a nice conversation and gotten a drink from that person, that already is setting the night for success. This leads me to my second point or third, however many points I have said by now, to keep it short and move on. Something that a lot of people get wrong is you connect with someone and then you spend the rest of the night with that person. But especially if you like them, do not stay one hour with that same person. You want to leave them wanting more. Being your feminine, let yourself be pursued. Before you leave, you can give them your Instagram or simply just tell them that you will come back so you can settle that debate that you're talking about that you've just started. Or maybe something like, I'd love to hear more details about that trip that you took to Thailand, Cambodia, Australia, wherever. Just sort of bringing the conversation that you were having to show them that you were listening, that you are interested, but also that there is a full room that requires your attention, that you are not here just for that one person, that there is more. If this is a big event, because these sort of events that tend to go quite fast, feel free to give them your details. This isn't one of those where you just walk away and then they have to find you in a room of 300 people. That might be an exaggeration, but a room full of people to try and find you to get your number before they leave. Make it easy. They're gonna be talking to so many women, make it easy. Give them your details while the energy is high and the conversation is flowing. A little trick that I have used in the past is get them talking about traveling. If they show you some pictures, they might open their own Instagram, and then you can be like, oh, you could follow me on Instagram and add your own Instagram, and then you leave it up to them to then message you at a later date. In these events, also, I normally recommend to give them your Instagram and not your number. Because messages from new people, from people that you don't follow, are going to fall in your request folder. So then you can decide if you want to reply, if you're not interested, or you can block if things take a turn, which you can also do if you give your number, but it feels a little bit safer. Remember that in these events, there is a lot of people, and it tends to skew that there are more women than men. So your presence is going to be invaluable in these situations. Like I was saying earlier about expectations and not going in thinking this is where I'm gonna meet my soulmate. Something that I tell everybody is to be open. You can't go into a singles event and have a whole list of requirements of men need to be this tall and make this amount of money and do this and to be exactly like this and have so much hair on their head and to have green eyes and uh wear this specific suit. The more requirements you are adding, the harder it is going to be to make connections. And you are there to make connections because you never know where that connection is going to lead you. So be open. In the same vein as being open, smile and be in that feminine energy that feels so warm. You can linger for an extra second or a couple seconds looking at someone, giving them a little smile, then looking back down, then having a little sip of your drink. Let them come to you as well. In this age of using online dating apps, I feel like people have lost the ability to have a conversation, to really start talking. So you might have to go up to someone and start a conversation. That is fine. The thing that I don't want you to do is to just go and be like, oh, what do you do for work? They have already answered that question at least 10 times. The same with, oh, what have you been watching on Netflix? Where do you live? Just try to make it a little bit more interesting. This can be by asking them questions that are going to make them feel something. People remember how you make them feel. So something like, what are you most looking forward to this month or this summer? What is the most interesting thing that you have done in your career? Asking them something that requires them to think a little bit, but also makes them feel something good is gonna be so much more memorable. Also asking for their opinion. A man loves to fix a problem, loves to show that they know something and that then they can prove who they are. So just something like, what do you think is the best coffee in London? Oh, you work in this area. What do you think is the best blah blah blah? Whatever it is. Ask for their opinion. And this goes hand in hand with listening. Listen to what they have to say. A lot of times, what happens with women is that we love talking and a man knows to ask questions like we all do as humans. So they ask a question and then we start spilling our guts and we start telling our whole story of what happened to this friend and what happened when I was at university, and then the trauma of my parents and all of the different things. Listen to what they have to say and keep asking them questions that are interesting, that are relatable, where you can say, Oh, yes, I agree with this, but also I think this and this don't just be acceptable of everything. Being interesting, being memorable is going to be so important in these events. And a man loves when he can also talk. It is so uncommon for them, like I was saying, that women just we spill our guts and we love talking. So let him talk. And when he asks the question, just give the bare minimum that answers the question, but don't just give your whole history. Let yourself be a little bit mysterious, let yourself just go a little bit more with the flow, let him talk, let him just show how fantastic he is to you while you lean back and you say, Oh yes, that is so interesting. I love that point of view. But also let me tell you my point of view and see how he reacts. That is going to show you if this is a person that you can have something with. If they have zero interest about your opinion, or if your opinion is the complete opposite of what they believe, and they are not willing to accept, and they start getting aggressive or just start saying that you are wrong, etc., then you know that this is not someone for you, and you can just stand up and be like, I'm just gonna go talk to other people. Remember that these events, it isn't about rejection, it's about meeting people, it's about creating connections. So you want to be talking to as many people as possible. Don't feel like you have to talk to someone simply because they made the effort to come to you and start talking to you. If you are not enjoying the conversation, just give a smile and say, oh, I'm going to mingle, or I'm going to take a lap of the room, or I need to go to the bathroom. Whatever it is, you are allowed to get up and go talk to other people. That is what is expected. This isn't a one-on-one date where now you have to wait until you have finished your whole drink until you can leave. Aim to talk to as many people as possible. And after the event, send a message to anyone that you're interested in. This isn't about you leading and making that first step. It's just about you being in your feminine and showing the interest. So then they can step up. This just needs to be something nice and simple. Like, it was lovely chatting to you yesterday. I loved your camping in the mountain story. That was so funny. Bring back something that you remember about the conversation that you had with them. So they know that you remember them and it is a message specific to them, that you're not suddenly just sending the same message to everybody. After a lot of these events, I would get a lot of messages that just say, Hey, it's James from this event and nothing else. How am I meant to remember after I've spoken to 10 different people what we talked about and who you are specifically? You want to be memorable. You want to leave this sort of mysteriousness, leaving them feeling good and wanting more. So don't overthink it and just send a very simple message. If they reply, great. If they don't, then they are not for you. Just as a little recap, here is my advice when you go to a singles event. The first thing is to not go in thinking that this is where I'm gonna meet my soulmate. Then go in early if you are feeling a little bit nervous. Number three, put your phone away. Number four, do a lap and start talking to people before you go to the bar. Number five, keep it short and move on. Don't stay talking to the same person the entire night. This is about making connections. Number six, give your details when the conversation is flowing and when the energy is high. Don't wait until they walk away or you walk away. Give them when it's high so they are more likely to say yes and remember you. Then be open, smile, give that extra long look to make sure that people know that you are open for them talking to you. Then, so important, be interesting. Don't ask the typical questions, what do you do for work? Be more interesting and bringing feeling to the conversation. This is not an interview, this is just the getting to know each other. And with that, also goes, don't be spilling your guts. Listen, let them talk, be a little bit mysterious, lean back, don't be sharing your entire life. Singles events can be so good for meeting people, but they can also be so misunderstood. So if you follow this advice, I know that you are going to have so much success at these events. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you have enjoyed it, please leave a five star review and make sure that you follow Shift and Receive wherever you are listening. And if you are ready to change your love life, take my quiz What is your biggest love block to discover what is blocking you right now in your love life? You have the link in the show notes.