My sweet Scott has been gone almost 10 years.

Ten years ago, I lost my husband. I felt the need to reflect and share. This isn't one of our lighthearted episodes. Feel free to pass on this one and return for the next.

Transcript

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Hi there. This is Brenda with Let's Wind with Brenda and Stacy and Brenda's horror movie reviews. Those of you who know me know I'm a widow. I just wanted to, I don't really know. I wanted to do this unedited. Back when my husband passed away, we're going on the 10-year mark, and I wrote some papers and different things. It was easier for me to write than answer questions. And you know, when somebody passes away, they are always they don't mean to be in your face, but you know, they want to know what happened. They're curious, and I get that completely. And so a few days after my husband died, I wrote some things that I given to my daughters. They were put on Facebook walls regarding his funeral and different things that I thought people needed or wanted to know. And I am a person of detail, and I probably tend to cross lines in some places. I just wanted to, I have not read this in such a long time, and I just wanted to sit down and put it out there as kind of a, well, I don't know. I don't know if it's a matter of respect or just memory, or I just feel the need to do it. So I'm gonna read this and see if I can make it through it. I titled it My Sweet Scott. I felt the need to write this morning, unable to sleep. I'm finally at a point where I think I can express myself, relating my perception of everything that is happening. I intend to post this on the walls of Christina, Curry, and Camille. If some or all of it is needed, feel free to copy and paste whatever you may want out of it, even if only the name of the funeral home. I don't want to offend anyone, so I will make it known what is coming up in a section so you can choose to skip over it. Some people won't want the details, although I've been asked many questions about that night, and I get that people are concerned and curious. Some of this may sound repetitive as I've been answering questions all along the best I could. I've always been one for words, a talker, and all of a sudden I find myself stumbling all over what I want to say. I've let my closest family in, and without them I would be so lost. It took me a few days to even respond by hiding behind a keyboard. I lost the love of my life. Everyone will have a different viewpoint of how they knew Scott. I didn't fly with him or fish with him, but some of you did. The Scott I knew was funny in a way that complemented my personality. I've had many people tell me that he was the happiest he ever was with me and how deeply in love he was with me. I know. My saying I know almost sounds cocky, but I never questioned his love for me. He put me on a pedestal. I always said that I eat too much, drink too much, and wear too much makeup, yet he was still there. We never fought. I want to shake people that say marriage is hard. It isn't. If you are with your one and only, everything falls into place, even during the bad times. Our worst was dealing with the death of my father and taking my mother in, yet he never complained to me. He may have vented to others, but I was spared. I lost my chess partner. We would play together back and forth, but if time didn't permit, there was still an ongoing game set up, and we would take our turns upon passing the board. We watched horror movies together, went to concerts, ate sushi. He must have told me he loved me fifty plus times a day. He would call on his lunch hour, call when he left work to head home. We talked about the state of the world, I will miss our deep conversations. He was a smart person, and as nuts as I am, he thought of me the same. He didn't complain when I wanted to go back to school or start writing what was affectionately became known as the book. When I wanted to read him portions of it, I would get, I'll wait for the movie to come out. He would come home in the evenings and say, What can I do to make your evening better? One of my girlfriends told me that that would stop after we were married. It never did. Granted, it may have slowed down to about three times per week, but I believe that he wanted me happy no matter what. The night of Last Thursday, my workplace held a Disney theme prom for the residents. Scott worked that day and said he might stop by to see all of us dressed up, but it depended on how tired he was. Our granddaughter was aerial and was excited that he did show up on his way home. He left just a little before I did. I want to say just a little after 7 PM. Camille and I stayed back chatting a few minutes, then Lily and Camille headed back to see Bring and I headed home. I came in, fed the cats, and headed to the bathroom to change. Scott had asked if I wanted anything to eat. He had not eaten at the prong. I even asked Camille if she saw him eat anything. She didn't. We settled in on the couch and watched an episode and a half of Bloodline on Netflix. I was working the next morning and told him that I was going to bed. He would always stop a show to wait for me and we were going to pick it up the next night. I went to bed to read. I'm thinking he came to bed a little after midnight. I heard him use the restroom and he got in bed. He woke me up with a gasp that I thought was a snore. I even told him to be quiet. He would normally change position, but didn't do anything. I said Scott and got nothing. I turned on the light, he was on his left side facing me. At the time I believed that the few gasps were his attempt to get air. I called 911, the dispatcher had me put him on the floor. It is true what they say about the strength you don't know you have until adrenaline is pouring through you. It happened so quickly. I put him in the floor and started chest compressions. I had the constant reminder of that night for a few days from the bruising on my hands. When the paramedics arrived, this is where I become a bit foggy. I heard them say that his blood sugar was either two hundred thirteen or two hundred thirty, which isn't ridiculously high. He tried to keep his around ninety. He would eat, it would spike, he would see what it was, then take his insulin to compensate. I heard them yell for the pen. I'm not sure if it was used since the defri defibrillator had been brought in. They couldn't bring him back. They said that they didn't even have a pulse to work with. I think they were being vague so I wouldn't become more upset. They wouldn't allow me in the ambulance with him. I was told not to follow closely, to take my time getting there, and to be careful driving. I know now that my call to 911 was at 246 AM. When I got to the ER at Winterhaven Hospital, the woman at the desk took his information and told me to go wash my face. When I came out of the bathroom, I was taken into a small room by myself. I knew then. The doctor and a nurse came in and gave me the official news. What I knew to be true ended in an instant. We had made so many plans. We had just purchased sorry about that, I had to take a moment, regain my composure. We just purchased new dining room furniture that was supposed to be delivered this coming Friday. Camille canceled it for me. We had reserved rooms at a hotel in Old Town to celebrate our tenth anniversary in October. We were able to cancel all the rooms but one. We were excited about our annual excursion to Halloween horror nights at Universal. We were married on Halloween in two thousand six, and it was tradition. Him and I were supposed to be sitting in the conjuring two on Saturday. He was supposed to be in a fishing tournament on Sunday. We always made plans so we had wonderful things to look forward to. Nobody can plan for this. Camille's husband had a surgery the day before yesterday. Josh and Scott had gotten really close over the last few years. The day this happened he was going for his pre op appointment. Camille came to the hospital anyway before going to Orlando, and Curry and Greg came. I don't know what I would have done without them there. This is one of the reasons we put his celebration of life off, so Josh could be there. I held Scott's hand for over an hour. I'm going to miss his hands. He would always say, Give me your paw. He had soft hands. I stayed with him until a nurse told me we were down to about twenty minutes since he would be moved to the medical examiners. Scott was so young and I know they were just following protocol, but I didn't want to let him go yet. The hospital thinks it was a cardiac arrest, and his doctor is thinking pulmonary embolism or an aneurysm. His type 1 diabetes has weakened him over the years, but it is thought to only be a secondary cause of death. They are doing a toxicology report on him that can take up to 90 days for the official results. The next section was called donations. We are proud to say that Scott was able to donate some of himself. He donated his corneas, which his eyes were getting worse, so if not used for transplant, will be used for research, which he was all about research, especially stem cell. I will be getting a letter stating what exactly was used for transplant. He gave his femurs from his legs, they are in need of long bones, his ulna, radius, and humerus from his arms, two heart valves, and took skin grafts from him to help burn patients. This was all done before cremation. Something I have to add is that I'm so proud of Scott's daughter Christina. She saw him yesterday. I was so worried about the condition he would be in after days had passed and he had traveled back and forth for the donations. Christina said that she knew nothing of rigor, algorithm or liver mortise, so I knew she was walking in not knowing what to expect. Christina, you are a strong woman. I was very happy to hear that he looked peaceful. I want to thank you so much for coming to the funeral home with me. Your input was a huge help. I seem to have lost my decision making skills, and I was glad you were next to me to pick up the pieces. I wanted to do just what your dad would have wanted. The next section is celebration of life. Those of you who know Scott well know that he is an agnostic, so there is technically no service. He will be having a celebration. We will be having a celebration of Scott's life. He wouldn't want anyone sad or upset. He was such a fun person to be around. The celebration will be held Saturday, june twenty fifth from one to four. There will be his favorite music, our favorite pictures of him, and his favorite people there. So that goes without saying that if you know Scott wasn't happy in your presence for whatever reason, please think positive thoughts about him from afar. We ask that if you have a concert t-shirt to wear it with jeans, his attire of choice. If you know him from fishing, wear what you would wear fishing. If you knew him from flying, wear what you would wear to the fly field. We want everyone comfortable in remembering Scott for what they knew him for best. We are asking that everyone write down your favorite memory of Scott to give him, to give to the family to read at a later date. You can do this beforehand or I plan to get an area set up so it can be done there. Everyone knows him differently for different reasons. This will take place at the Ot Laughlin funeral home. At a later date we will scatter some of his ashes at the fly field. Some will get to go camping with Josh, and I will keep the bulk of him with me. The below section is what I anticipate people won't want to read. The morning after Curry drove my car, Greg drove their car, and Camille drove me. Coming home was the worst. I was sick to my stomach, lived on the toilet for a few hours until nothing was left. Seeing the mess the paramedics left still didn't make it seem real. Camille offered to clean it all up, but I didn't want her to have to clean up his blood or urine. I went through the motions, got on my hands and knees with a trash can close by, tossing all the trash in it and scrubbing the floor. Taking the sheets and mattress pad to the laundry room, I felt so lost and still do, and not knowing what really happened is awful. I keep wanting to call him. I want to tell him dumb stuff. I want him to come home. I'm furious that he is gone. A love like we had is so rare. His doctor is worried about me saying that the way it went down is hard on a person. And that I will try to relive it in my head. Go figure he was right. He said it isn't the same as if I'd come home and found him already gone. I tried to save him. I didn't want him to go. It has been hard going through his things for the memorial table. I've been going through pictures, we did have fun. We had done a lot and seen a lot. I wouldn't have given up the time that we had together for anything. It was just entirely too short. And that's it. I just felt the need to put it out there.