Am I a Blessing or a Curse to My Husband?

Today we chat about 3 ways we can evaluate if we're being a blessing or curse to our husbands as they pursue their God-given duties.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What is up guys? Welcome to the Entrepreneur's Wife podcast. I'm your host, Carly Reyns. This is a podcast where we talk about finding purpose as a helper to our small business owner in this feminist obsessed world. And today we're gonna talk about what it really means to be a blessing and not a curse to your husband, to the business, to the vision that he's pursuing and that God has called him to fulfill. Um, I'm gonna tell y'all a funny story that kind of led on to having this conversation on our podcast today. So, Briston and I, I worked a writing conference a couple weeks ago, and it's a conference that I've attended for numerous years, and then I got the opportunity to do the photography this year, and so we drove up to St. Louis, dropped the girls off at my parents' house, and the conference I had to be there Wednesday, so we actually left Tuesday to drive to my parents, and then Wednesday we drove to St. Louis, and then um the conference was Wednesday night, all day Thursday, all day Friday, all day Saturday, and we drove back home Sunday, so it's a pretty long um weekend for a conference, and he worked while I was working the conference. He was on his laptop just chilling in the hotel working, things like that. Well, one of the days, I can't remember if it was Thursday or Friday, he just got really frustrated with some stuff that was happening with the business. If you're a small business owner, you always know there's always fires that you have to put out, you know, not physical fires, but there's always something that it just frustrates you or isn't going as planned and it affects you, and there are some things that weren't getting done by some of our employees that had deadlines and they missed the deadline, so it falls back on us because one thing you need to realize as a small business is if you don't do your job, it's gonna fall back on the owner, and somebody's got to do it. It's not like a big corporation where you have a bunch of people, um, you're a small business, small for for a reason, and so the things didn't get done, and he was getting frustrated because they had set a deadline together, these employees with Briston, and they just didn't get done. And he, you know, was like trying to explain to them hey, like when you were in college, if you did not turn in an assignment, you got a late grade, or you got a zero, or you failed the class, you know, like there are consequences to not doing what you're supposed to do by the time that you're supposed to do it, and there are consequences in the business, especially profitable consequences, um, with not doing that. And I will say, Briston is very good at recognizing, he used to be a salesman, so he's very good at recognizing human behavior when it comes to making a purchase, and he understands that the quicker that we close the deal, open the registration, the more likely we are to make a sale. And it's just psychology with humans, the longer that they have to think about it, the less likely they are to buy it. And so he was frustrated that the deadline was missed, and he kept saying this phrase over and over again you went back on your word, you went back on your word, you went back on your word. Well, I will say, as an entrepreneur's wife, you even if your husband is not upset or frustrated at you, it will come out in your conversations, and so later that day, we were talking, and I had told him that I would do something by the end of the day or whatever. Well, I was exhausted from the conference from working the conference, so I didn't end up getting it done by the end of the day, and he was very adamant about like you went back on your word, and I could tell he was, if you will, not exploding, but just acting abnormal in what how he usually acts. And the next morning we went to breakfast, and he was just I was asking him, you know, about these employees and why he was frustrated, and just trying to really understand and help him like verbalize what he was feeling so he could also understand what he was going like feeling and going through and his frustration. And I told him, I said, you know, I feel like the reason you were frustrated at me yesterday really didn't have to do with me because there's been times where I've said I would do something and then I ended up not doing it, and it wasn't that big of a deal. I said, I feel like it was you were kind of coming at me because of these employees. If you will, figuratively, you needed a wall to punch, and I just became that wall, and he did not realize it in the moment. That's the thing, guys. He didn't realize it, and we do this, even outside of business, we do this. Someone hurts our feelings, makes us frustrated, whatever it is, and we will psychologically take it out, usually on the people that are closest to us, our spouse, our kids, our family, our friends, and we don't realize it. We are take we are punching a wall because of what happened with these other people. And going back to the topic, how do I be, how do I know if I'm a blessing or a curse to my spouse when it comes to business? I think the biggest thing is stepping outside of yourself is number one. Okay, I we can't take everything personal, so Briston coming at me, it would have been very easy for me to take that personal and and you know, blow up and just get super frustrated. And yes, I I did in the moment, there were you know some conversations, some little tiffs that were going on, but I also had to realize, Carly, your husband loves you. Like, what are the facts that you know, not feelings that you feel? What are the facts that you know? I know that my husband loves me, I know that he's committed to me. I know that we're gonna get past this. Like, know the things that are facts and state them. Quit. I think too often, especially as women, we rely so heavily on our feelings, and we let that drive us. And this was a very small scenario, but especially in such a small business that we have, I have to be conscious of this. If he comes home frustrated and or he's acting not like how he usually acts, I have to realize, Carly, it's nothing personal that you did. He just might have had a very hard, busy day at work, and there's some things affecting him. And as much as he's trying not to bring it home and trying to be present with the family, I also need to step outside of myself and realize this isn't personal, this isn't a personal attack, this has nothing to do with you. He's hurting because of the business or whatever. Um, so that's number one. I think it's really important if you want to be a blessing, you gotta you gotta stop taking it personal, you gotta step outside of yourself. And where we can fall into being a curse is being so insecure in ourselves, guys. That's number two. We gotta stop being insecure, okay? Being insecure will ruin relationships, it will ruin decision making, it will make you spend so much money that you don't need to spend, it will cause you to make decisions that long term are not good for you. And I've seen this financially, I've seen this relationally. So, number one, I think we need to recognize our insecurities. What is it that you struggle with? Are you self-conscious about yourself? Like, get get real. What are your deep insecurities? Know them, be aware of them, and then say, okay, when I am insecure, what triggers me to be insecure? Number one, and when I get triggered, how do I respond? Like, how do I act when I get triggered? And then recognizing, okay, this is how I act when I get insecure. Okay, now moving forward, when I get insecure, what are the facts? What are the godly known facts about myself to combat these insecurities? How do I need to act differently? I might not be super confident because I think as humans in a fallen world, I think there's always going to be insecurities, but I think being aware of them, talking to your husband about your insecurities and what you're struggling with, and then saying, you know what, stepping outside of yourself, evaluating the situation in third person, recognizing and listening to your husband of what he's going through. I think too often we take things so personal. When really, guys, it probably has nothing to do with us. Like Bristol and I getting into a fight had nothing to do with us, it had to do with what happened in the business, and then it cost us to get a fight. Now, you might think, well, he shouldn't have done that. Yeah, you're right, he probably shouldn't have done that, but he's also human, and we're also young, and that's not an excuse, it's just to recognize where we are. I think, honestly, y'all, I think as entrepreneur wives, especially because I'm older, okay, I am three years older than my husband. So I'm 27, he's 24. You gotta be the responsible one. Like, be put your big boy pants on and be mature, and don't don't quit looking at your husband to be the mature one. You step up and you be the mature one. So if you're in a fight or if you have a situation going on, rather than taking it personal and just outlashing at him, why don't you first be like, okay, God, like, show me what he's struggling with, show me what he's going through, show me his insecurities. How can I help him? Because y'all, I've learned if I can do that, for instance, when we were at breakfast, and I told him, I said, Briston, I said, I feel like the reason we got in our TIFF had nothing to do with what we were tiffing about, what we were we weren't really fighting, but bickering back and forth about, it had nothing really to do with what we were bickering about. I said, I feel like it had to do with the fact that so-and-so and so-and-so, our employees, didn't follow through like you expected them to, and now you're just taking it out on me, sadly. And you know what? Whenever I stated that, he said, Yeah, he said you're right. He said that's exactly what was going on, and so we both recognized the actual issue going on, and that's that's being a blessing to your husband. Like, what you're because I've I've I've heard this from multiple business owners as a wife, you really need to have a bird's eye view of the business. You you're not unless you're working in it, like for instance, I'm not working in it, so you kind of have this outward perspective. You can kind of see things from a bird's eye view, you're not so close up in the situation. It's like your husband, because he's in it, he's working in it, he's working in it all the time, all day. He's so close up into it. Sometimes it's hard for him to see the big picture because he's looking so close at every little detail, and so being a blessing is saying, Hey, like, I'm gonna look at our situations, I'm gonna look at our marriage, I'm gonna look at our relationships, I'm gonna look at the business from a bird's eye view, and I've just learned personally that that's really being a blessing to your spouse, to your husband. Um, number three, okay. Please do not be a nagging wife. Scripture talks about nagging negatively, it's not a good thing to nag, and this is hard for us women. I I think just stereotypically, this is hard for us women. We see something that we don't like or that we know needs to change, and we're just gonna go up to our husband, and we're just gonna tell him how it is and how he should change it and what he should do. And guys, that's not what God calls us to do. Okay, it's one thing I think to be concerned about a situation or topic or a business decision or whatever, and it's one thing to voice that hey babe, I'm concerned, or this worries me, or whatever the case is. I don't have a good feeling about XYZ, or these are some red flags that I've been seeing, like that's an observation, and I think staying in our place, humbling ourselves and staying in our place, and saying, because y'all, sorry, I know I'm jumping all over the place, but at the end of the day, God's gonna lead our husband. We don't have to nag our husband to make certain decisions. Okay, we have to honestly, y'all, submit to God. I know we don't, I know as women in society, we do not like this word submission. This is why in the you know, tagline of this podcast, it says a feminist obsessed world. Submission is literally the enemy of feminism. Feminism is so about individualizing yourself, empowering. I say empowering in parentheses, because you're not really empowering, but leveling up women, making them like men. It's just so I mean me me. It's all about me, it's all how I can reach the top, little about service, a little about humbling yourself, little about submitting to God, probably no submitting to God. Um, they look at submission and submitting to authority as less than. Like that's one big thing that the world does is the world defines identity based on who you are, the position you have, the money you make, right? Your title, your job, that's who you are, that's your identity. But as Christians, that's not our identity. Our identity is in the in the fact that our value and who we are comes from Christ, comes from God the creator. So, no matter what position we have, no matter what title we have, no matter how much money we make, guess what? We still carry the same value because our value is not defined by those temporary things, our value is defined by an eternal, everlasting God who doesn't change. So, being a nagging wife, going back to that, okay, humbling ourselves. So I've really had to learn that if I don't like something, but I want to be a blessing, I don't want to be a curse, right? I don't like something, a decision that Briston's gonna make, or just whatever it is. I rather than going to Briston, I might voice my concern to him, but I'm really, guys, I'm really gonna go to prayer, and I'm really gonna pray, and I'm really gonna be bold in my prayers, and I'm really gonna say, Lord, you know my concerns, and I know I have to recognize that I'm not Holy Spirit, like I'm not my husband's holy spirit, I'm a helper, and I help him, but I at the end of the day, I don't make all the decisions, and I shouldn't. And that's what I think being a nagging wife sadly comes to is what can I get my husband to do? So, number one, we need to go to prayer and we need to trust God that He's gonna guide our husband and that our husband pray that your husband's gonna listen to the Lord, and he should listen to the Lord. Number one, and again, it doesn't you know diminish our voice as women, our voice as entrepreneurial wives. I think we need to recognize that our voice can clearly and loudly be heard when it's in prayer. And I also want to say that a wise person, James talks about this so much. A wise person is not seen by his wisdom by words. Okay, a wise person is seen by their wisdom through meekness, action, and meekness is being humble, it's not loud, it's not flashy, it's actually very humbling, and it's through action, it's through behavior. So rather than constantly be putting your voice in your husband's ear about what he should do with the business and these decisions and yada yada yada, this is where we go on our knees, we go to the Lord about it, and we serve and we love our husbands as much as possible. That's how we're a blessing. Also, guys, this is number four, but I think being a really good blessing is what I just said service is serving your husband. I stay home, okay. Even if you work, you know, you probably when it comes to household responsibilities, if you work, it's probably a 50-50 because you're both working, but if you stay home, I think a great way to show your husband and to bless him is for him to come home with a clean house and you know help him carry the load. And you know, I will say Briston does 90% of the cooking, but if he works late and he's stressed or frustrated or whatever, I will step in and I will cook. It will not be as good as his cooking, it just won't. But I will step in and I will cook. I always do the dishes, I always do the laundry. You know, that's stuff that we've discussed. I always clean the house. That's something that we've discussed, and I think being a blessing is showing your husband, hey, like I'm willing to take on responsibilities so that you don't have to because right now you're really stressed. I mean, I handle a lot of our mail that comes in, and honestly, guys, I mean our bills are auto-drafted, so I don't really gotta handle that. But you know, if we have a lot of mail that comes in, I'm gonna handle that. He's he's got enough stuff to worry about. So I just I want to remind us that being a blessing does not have to be this extravagant thing, honestly, guys, it's in the small acts, it's in it's in the small little things that we can do every day to help him. And I I think a big thing with how do I know if I'm a blessing or if I'm a curse? Well, is what you're doing, is what you're saying, is it causing peace and calmness into your husband's life, or is it causing stress and chaos? Like I think that's a pretty clear indicator of if I'm a blessing or if I'm a curse. Are the words that I'm saying, are they bringing peace? Are they reassuring? Do they give him hope? Do I build him up? That's a blessing. Do the actions that I do, does it take the weight off of him? Does it make him feel calmer and more relaxed? If the answer is no, then you're a curse. And the good part about the gospel and being a Christian is we might recognize and we might be honest with ourselves and say, yeah, I'm being a curse. The words I'm saying, putting him down, making him think he's never enough. I always am nagging him about what he needs to do better around the house. I mean, be honest, like clearly evaluate. Just go a week, make observation, write it down in the notes of your phone, and then after that week, evaluate, okay, do these bring peace or do they bring chaos and frustration? Does it bring hope or does it diminish him and put him down? And then after you evaluate that, I think being honest and saying, okay, am I a blessing? Am I a curse? If I am being a blessing, well, how can I serve my husband better? How can I love him more? Um, how can I be more like Christ? How can I listen better, understand better? And then if you are being a curse, the great part about the gospel is that can change. And I think that's where we go to prayer, and we say, regardless of if you're a blessing or a curse, we say, Lord, like how can I better help my husband? Like, what are the areas he needs help in? Um, so that's what I got for you guys, and I hope that this is encouraging, and I hope that it's uplifting, and it just helps your marriage better, it helps you better as a person, as a woman of God. Um, because again, I think the biggest thing is just don't take it personal. Don't take it personal, okay? The Lord loves you, your identity comes from Him. Your identity doesn't come from your husband or your business or your finances or or what your life looks like, what your home life looks like looks like, it doesn't come from that. Okay, and I think that's gotta be the basis of our foundation is knowing who we are in Christ so that we can go and be the helper that we're called to be. So I love you guys, and I'll see y'all on the next episode.