The "Must Be Nice" Mentality & Why it's so Dangerous

Today, we explore the reasons why the "must be nice" mentality may seem harmless but actually undermines one's joy, relationships, attitude, and overall life.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

What is up, guys? Welcome to the Entrepreneur's Wife podcast. I'm your host, Carly Raines. This is a podcast where we talk about finding purpose as the helper to our small business owner in this feminist obsessed world. And today we are going to dive into the must be nice mentality. We're gonna break down what is it? Why does this happen? What why do we as humans say, oh, that must be nice? You know, where does the root of this mindset come from? What are the limitations when people have this mindset? How can we overcome this mindset? Um, and what are the dangers when you have relationships with people? You know, maybe what boundaries do you need to set with people um to prevent you know brokenness in you, brokenness in your relationship, brokenness across the board. I think as entrepreneur wives, we constantly have to be asking ourselves, how can I have a healthy life? How can I have a healthy lifestyle? Um, and I just want to say this before we get started in this conversation. This is something that I'm learning. Um, Bristol and I have been married for going on, we're about to hit four years in August next month, and we have been doing the business for going on six years. Um two of those years we were dating, then the four years I was married, and I I've just honestly, y'all, I've learned that the some of the best relationships, the people that understand us, the people that we can relate to the best, are other business owners. Um, we do have friends who are not business owners, so I'm not saying you can't have friends uh who are not business owners. That is not true at all. I I truly think it comes down to a heart um issue, comes down to what are our hearts' conditions, and I mean I'm just gonna be frank. I I think as entrepreneur wives, we gotta be careful. Um, as much as people mean well and have good intentions, unless they are just genuinely awesome and and you click and you thrive, they they might not need to be in our inner inner circle, you know, they might not need to be the people that we talk about our business to, that we talk about finances about, um, that we talk about these things about. I'm gonna be honest, you know, we have some friends who are in a very different financial situation than we are in, and I am just realizing and learning how hard that can be when you're trying to plan activities for your kids together, when you're trying to plan vacations together, when you're trying to plan date nights together. Um, it can cause some difficulty because you're in two totally different boats. So it makes sense why as a society we gravitate towards people who are like us and in similar financial situations as us, similar, you know, values as us, similar, just like it makes sense, right? Okay, so let's go into this must-be nice mentality. Um I you know, I want to ask first for us to reflect on ourselves. Have we ever had this must-be nice mentality? If we have, I I don't, you know, I think it's human, but I think if we continue down the road of this mentality, that's where we get into some murky water. Like that's where that's where change needs to happen. So, what is the must-be nice mentality? Well, the must-be nice mentality as defined by chat GBT. I typed in chat GBT, okay. It says the must-be nice mentality is a mindset where someone sees another person's success, joy, possessions, or opportunities, and responds with resentment or sarcasm instead of curiosity or celebration. It goes on to say, and here's some examples. I'm just gonna give some examples. You get to stay home with your kids. Oh, that must be nice. You're writing a book, that must be nice to have the time to do that. The flexibility of your schedule to do that. You lost 39 30 pounds. Oh, that must be nice. Um, so it goes on to say that on the surface, this is a very harmless comment. You know, I mean, you probably hear this a lot. People saying this a lot, it's very harmless. Um, but underneath, it really does communicate an issue that we're gonna get into the root issue of why, if you continue down this cycle of the must-be nice mentality, why you will never actually achieve what you want to achieve, which is the danger of this mentality. It limits you, it restricts you, it causes you to put really yourself, your life, your circumstances, your relationships in a box, and as much as you want to get out of that box, if you continue thinking that it must be nice, other people can do things that you can't do because of external, you know, it really comes down to the victim mentality. Is oh well, it must be nice that you get to do that, but for me, you know, it's different. I can't do that. Victim mentality, okay. So, um we're gonna go into what the root of it is. Oftentimes, it says the root can be comparison, and you know, going back to um going back to relationships, your friendships. I I guys, what what is our heart communicating? Are are we celebrating our friends? Do we celebrate other people when they get a promotion, when they get a raise, when they meet a milestone, a financial breakthrough, some type of success. Does our heart celebrate or do we immediately go to comparison? And this is something I had to learn, okay? So I struggled with comparison within the body of Christ very heavily, and I I feel like I've done better at this, but if someone succeeded in an area that I wanted to succeed in, really does come down to pride, okay. If someone succeeded in an area that I wanted to succeed in, I took that so personal, as if their success would limit what I could do. It really is a childish, selfish mentality. If you get if you if you verbalize it out loud, you will realize how just immature and selfish and prideful that thinking is. But seriously, if I saw someone succeeding in publishing a book or becoming a best-selling author, or or being able to speak to kids and the youth and young people, like I would get jealous, and I would think in my head, well, because of their success, because they're able to do that, and that is now limiting what I will be able to do. Their success will limit what I can do, and that that is the opposite of Christ. Okay, God is not limited. I mean, he literally made the world out of nothing. Okay, uh, it literally Paul says, and and I think Acts does a beautiful example of this. Paul says, if one member of the body of Christ suffers, we all suffer. If one member of the body of Christ rejoices and succeeds, we all rejoice, we all succeed. Uh, can we get back to that? Can we get back to when in Acts we were so willing to give so that everyone had enough? There was no one in the body of Christ who had a need because we were willing to say, Oh, oh, you need this? Okay, well, I have it, so I'm gonna give it to you. I have this surplus, so I'm gonna give it to you. Right, you're in lack, I have surplus, I'm gonna give it to you. Can we go back to that? Can we go back to if a person is lacking and looking at another person who is in surplus? Can we go back to taking ownership of our own choices, our own actions, uh going to God and saying, God, I need help dealing with this? James, James says, James literally says, What is wisdom? It says, if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition, do not boast and be false of the truth. And he goes on to say, What true wisdom from above is pure. I mean, I I don't want to butcher the verse, but he goes on to say it's peaceable. It he goes on to list all of these reasons for for what true wisdom is, and I think oftentimes comparison is saying the grass is greener on the other side, it it comes down to resentment, it comes down to wanting and wanting that whatever it is, the grass is green on the other side, um, and and not being content. Because I'm gonna be honest, guys, when I've suffered from comparison, I was not content in myself and who God called me to be, who I was as Carly Rains, I wasn't content with where I was at in life. I struggled really hard with contentment, and I think that affects comparison because if you truly are content with where you are in life, with what you have, with where your finances are, the house that you have, the cars that you drive, the job that you have, the position that you have, you as a stay-at-home entrepreneur's wife, like if you are truly content with where you're at, I don't think comparison would creep in as bad. And we would not struggle with the must-be nice mentality because we would see our life as wow, this is nice, like my life is nice right now, so I'm not gonna look because I'm content and joyful with where I'm at right now. Okay, that's number one comparison. Another root problem is envy, and y'all, envy will destroy relationships. I mean, think think about think about Satan. Okay, let's let's go back to Satan's motive, why he got kicked out of heaven. Um, I think there was some envy. Okay, there was definitely pride, but he wanted to be God, and I think he envies God, I think he envies us. And if you let envy, you know, it's it reminds me literally of the best illustration I can think of is the spy Spider-Man when venom, right? It's this dark substance. And if you let venom take over, you just get one little bit of venom, one little bit, it will multiply if you let it stay there and take root, it will multiply and it will overcome you, and you will become this dark evil thing. That's what that's what it reminds me of. That's envy. It starts with one little thing, one little thing, and then it just flusters and it multiplies. And you know, I was I was asking my mom because my parents, when I was in high school, they were really good friends with a couple who financially were way better off than my parents were way better off. So the activities we did as families because we hung out all the time, the activities we did, the conversations that we had, you know. I asked my mom, I said, Mom, how did y'all do it? How did y'all maintain friendship? Good friendship without getting envious, without struggling with comparison, like without having the must-be nice mentality. And my mom just said, she said, Carly, she said, we number one, they didn't connect on the fact that they were both, you know, had the same similar jobs, they didn't connect because of their financial statuses. They just connected number one, they were the families were both Christian, this family and my parents, and they clicked really well. And so they just kept that as the focus, and they just did activities that both of them could do. And I'm sure that I'm sure there were hard times. Like I'm sure there were times where they, you know, struggled with envy. I'm sure my parents struggled with comparison. Um, but I don't know. I again just we cannot let envy take root. Um, and I think if you're on the other side, okay, you're the if you're the entrepreneur wife, because guys, this is kind of a position that I'm in, okay. I I have a good friend, and we're in totally different financial boats. Okay, um, they're a lot younger than us, too. And but sorry, I pause because you, if you're scared that a relationship might break because of envy, I really think we gotta go to prayer. I need to pray for my friend, I need to pray for her heart, and you know, I I need to be open and real and and tell her, and and I did tell her this. I said, if you if there is ever a moment where you are struggling, like we need to have those open conversations. I said, because the last thing I want is for there to be resentment in our friendship, you know, that that doesn't work, and um I think too going to the Lord and just saying, Lord, like how close does this friendship need to be? Is this person, you know, my inner three, like Peter, James, and John? Where do you? Or you told them everything? Is this person like the 12, where you know, they're still in my inner circle, but they're not in my inner inner circle? Or is this person a 5,000? And there's just some things that we don't talk about. We don't talk about everything together. Um, you know, where where is this person? And um another thing I want to say with this must-be nice mentality is do we cannot, as entrepreneur-wise, we cannot limit ourselves because people are unable to change. Okay, and what I mean is again, this must-be nice mentality is very victim mentality focused, okay. So the proactive response to this mentality is really what can I learn? Like a healthy perspective is asking questions. If you see someone in a position that you want to be in financially, career-wise, um, with family, their marriage, you know, whatever it is, ask questions. That's the response that we should have. We should be asking, how did you make this happen? What sacrifices did it take? I'd love to learn from your experience. Those are appropriate responses, and I'm gonna say, guys, if we are willing to make those changes, apply those changes, ask the questions, but we have family and friends who are not willing to ask those questions and continue down the cycle of the must-be nice mentality, it is not our job to pull them out. Yes, we pray for them, and we hope, and if they ask questions, we answer them. But our life is an example enough, and at the end of the day, God's got to take control of their heart. We can't change them, so we might have to set boundaries, we might have to set healthy boundaries, we might have to have that conversation. I think I think boundaries are super healthy. We don't need to be super, you know, skeptical. We need to have discernment and wisdom from the Holy Spirit, but I just I just don't want us to enable friends um or family that's caught in this trap and are unwilling to change, guys. If they're unwilling to change, it's it's not our problem. That that's hard. I think the biggest thing for me personally is I I see people in my personal life that I'm close in relationship to. I see, especially when it comes to finances. I mean, I don't want to just make this all about money, but money is a big motivator, it is a it's just something that is constantly um talked about. I mean, you can't do anything without spending money, okay. So any activity, any vacation, any anything, everything seriously sadly revolves around money. Okay. Um, so you know, with this, I totally lost my train of thought of where I was going with that, but oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember now. So with this, you see people like personally, when I see people make financial decisions, and I know that the decisions that they're making, this is the thing, guys. You can change your life with the little daily decisions that you make. It is not a big splash of water that breaks the rock, it's not the one-time intensity that breaks the rock, it's the everyday little drops in the same spot over and over and over and over again that eventually causes the rock to crack. Okay, so with your financial decisions, it is not the big outrageous per purchases that happen once or twice a year, it's the everyday decisions that you make with money, your mindset towards money. The biggest the biggest advice that I can give with the must be nice uh mentality is for you or anyone to read the book Bridges Out of Poverty. Go read that book. Go read how poor people think, go read how middle class people think, go read how rich people think, read their mentality, read their mindset, read how they view money, how they handle it, what they do with it, how they see assets and houses and cars and and little purchases. Read how each class sees that and then evaluate in your own life well, how do I see that? What what class do I line up with? Does does because you can think all day long, well, you know, I I I want to be here, right? I want to be, I wanna, I think every single person, whether they say it or not, every single person wants to have financial freedom, financial stability. They would love to be in the wealthy class, but the question is, are we willing to make the sacrifices to get there? Some people, yes, are born into wealth, but a lot of people, guys, with especially if you live in America. I mean, I have some listeners who don't live in America, but if you live in America, there is no excuse. Okay, you have because of capitalism, you have the opportunity to make it happen. You do. So, you know, I'm gonna tell you the advice that my husband said go to YouTube. We have internet. This is the thing. This is I was telling my uncle this. Even if you grew up poor, guess what? I guarantee you you got a phone, guarantee you you have the internet because you're on social media, so go to Google or go to YouTube and type in. Testimonies, type in stories, type in the question: how do I, where am I starting out? How do I, as a poor person, become wealthy? What are the steps that I need to take? What do I need to do? What do I need to get rid of? What is the mindset I need to have? Like, how do I need to handle money? Like, ask those questions. And then do them. And then over time, it's not gonna happen tomorrow, but over time, guess what? You will move from the low class to the middle class to the high class. But having this must-be nice mentality is robbing us of actually accomplishing the goals that we want in life. It is a limiting mindset. It's gonna trap you. Okay? So, um another thing is discouragement. Like, you don't think that you can do it. You have no hope. I love the movie The Pursuit of Happiness. If you've never seen that movie, you need to watch it. This guy's got it rough. Okay? So he invents this medical device, literally gets rid of all of his savings, puts all of his savings into this medical device, and then he's trying to sell it. And his family, he's got a kid, and he's got a wife, and his family's going into debt, and it also doesn't help that he's a black man, and during this time, you know, they didn't have as many opportunities as you know the white men had, and so he is struggling, he is underwater, drowning, drowning in debt, just drowning, and and he's very discouraged, and he does not give up. And honestly, I think that is the key. I I think the devil at the end of the day, if he he the devil's number one tactic is to make us discouraged, because he knows if he can make us discouraged, we will give up. And at the end of the day, if you do not give up, you will succeed. Scripture literally says your hard work, it's in 2 Chronicles, it's a verse that my husband has tattooed on his arm. Do not give up, for your hard work will be rewarded. Okay, so that's how we handle discouragement. I think, I think prayer, and also guys, you you need encouragement because because discouragement comes. Like, you know, you're never gonna not be discouraged, no matter what goal you set. If you set any goal, you're gonna be there's gonna be moments of discouragement, whether that's in fitness, finances, relationships, there's gonna come moments of discouragement. But I think the key in overcoming discouragement, number one, you need to have people in your life. And maybe you don't have physical people in your life, maybe you're like, Carly, I don't know anyone who's where I want to be. Okay, well, guess what, guys? We have social media, guys. I literally, for my fitness goals, that's what I do. I follow people that cause inspiration in me. I follow a lot of moms who are working out and racing, and so my base advice is find people on social media who inspire you, who motivate you. I literally, y'all, confident people are going to instill confidence in others, they're not gonna look at you as a threat, they're not gonna gatekeep, they are going to motivate and inspire you. Insecure people are going to breathe insecurities over people, they're gonna talk down on people to try to elevate themselves, and so it's important that you're like who are you following on social media? If this is the basic thing, if you're following, if the voices that you're listening to, the books that you read, the music that you listen to, the people you follow, the TV shows you watch, if they are speaking, the people you listen to in real life, if they're speaking, oh, well, you're a victim and it's these persons fall, and if they're speaking, the must-be nice mentality, good luck, because you're gonna start believing it, because it's gonna train your brain on how to think. So, my biggest encouragement is find people who speak in a way that you want to think, if you want to be confident, if you want to be motivated, if you want to be somewhere in life, find people who are there and who are speaking that so that way, number one, mentally you will start believing it. That's the biggest thing out of the book, Bridges Out of Poverty, is it talks about you need to find people, you need to find voices that push you, that help you along that journey. Okay, so the next route of the must be nice mentality, a scarcity mindset. Believing someone else's blessing means you're less available, that they're less available for you. I kind of went already over this, I don't have to um kind of go over this, but like I said earlier, it's oh, if someone gets promoted in an area that you want to succeed in, you then are like, oh, because they succeeded in it, I can't. And again, we don't have a limiting God, so that comes down to I think contentment, really identity and confidence, confidence in yourself. And I think we need to go to scripture and really study what does God say about me and the purpose and calling that He has for my life, and we really need to understand the purpose of the body of Christ and how we are supposed to work together, and again, when the body succeeds and rejoices, we all rejoice, and when the body is mourning and grieving, we all grieve. So I think we need to have more of a community mentality than a selfish individualistic mentality. Okay, next one is unhealed disappointment or unmet expectations. I'm not gonna spend a lot of time on this just because I guess because I'm so young, I don't I don't have the wisdom or knowledge to speak on this. But what I am gonna say is why this mindset, the must-be nice mentality is harmful is because it keeps people from learning. So basically, you have an unmet expectation or a disappointment happens, an unhealed disappointment, and rather than try again, I love the quote. You should look it up. The author is a Christian back in the 1800s. He wrote a quote, try try again. And I love this quote because this quote is just it just try again, try again. You you know, scripture proverb says that the wicked person, the evil person falls seven times and they stay there, but the righteous person falls and he gets back up again. So I I I do think that there is a time to heal, and I cannot give you, you know, the steps or the process for healing of unmet expectations, but what I can tell you is you have to be constantly in communication with the Lord. I think being in constant communication, knowing the purposes he has for you, no matter what happens in life. I think going back to who the Lord is, his constant presence. I I love um in The God of Story, the book The God of Story, he talks about Job and he talks about Job had some pretty unhealed disappointment when his whole family is killed and he gets sick, right? He has some pretty unmet expectations for who God is and his life and what success looks like. And I guarantee y'all, the must be nice mentality was probably a huge temptation for him because he's looking around at everyone else who wasn't affected by it and thinking, wow, it must be nice. Okay, but the thing that I love about the God of Story is that this author talks about how really the lesson and the biggest key theme in the book of Job is the fact that everything else can change around us, but the one thing that is constant is our God, his character is constant, his presence is constant, he is the one un or he's he can never disappoint. Like his presence, his existence can never disappoint, it can never be an unmet expectation. We can always expect God's presence, we can always expect his constant goodness because of who he is, not what he does. Um, he's not a genie, right? And if we only follow him because of his power and what he does for us, we're kind of using him, right? You don't marry someone because of what they do for you, you marry someone because of who they are, and who they are, their actions are gonna show that. So, you know, God is powerful and he does stuff for us because of who he is, but at the end of the day, it's who he is, and I think we the biggest advice that I can give is we got to go back to who is God, who does God say we are in Jeremiah 29:11. When the Israelites are getting exiled and their life looks like crap, they're about to go be slaves and servants for this other country, and they're getting exiled of the promised land, and everything just looks like it's over. The end, the Lord says, But I know the plans I have for you plans of hope and a future to prosper you. That's not a must-be nice mentality. That's uh we can do this mentality, like there is hope on the other side. So, um I want to say this the must-be nice mentality, it damages relationships because people feel guilty for sharing good news around someone who constantly responds this way. Yes, that is fire. Okay, again, it doesn't matter what our life looks like. I think we as Christians, as entrepreneurial wives, should constantly strive to celebrate others no matter what our life looks like. We don't need to make it about ourselves, we don't need to take it personal. We need to constantly celebrate others and what God is doing in their life. Because if we want that, which we all want that, we all want to be celebrated, right? We need to then celebrate others. And again, if there is a relationship where you don't feel celebrated, I heard a quote and it was advice given to me, and this person said, You need to surround yourself with people who celebrate you, not just tolerate you. And I loved that. I was like, Yes, that's fire. Okay, so again, boundaries. Because I I even shared this. This is so true as business owners. You hit a milestone, your your business hits a milestone, and you get so excited and you want to share it with your friends. Oh my gosh, this happened! Oh my gosh, guys, we we hit this, right? And it's like, well, how are they gonna respond? I don't want them to be envious, I don't want them to have the must-be nice mentality. I want I don't want them to compare, and so you know, I was literally telling my mentor, I was like, I struggle with sharing about milestones in the business, in our small business, because I don't want people to respond negatively. Like, I don't want them to feel disqualified or like they can't succeed, or like they're not living up to the success that they want, like, you know, and um, I just think it comes down to finding the right people to talk to about those things. That was the advice that I was given is find the right people who will celebrate you. Um, we're gonna wrap this up with just some scripture. Romans 12 15 says, Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. Galatians 6 4 through 5 says, encourages each person to examine their own work rather than compare themselves with others. James 3 16 warns that envy leads to disorder and harmful behavior.