How We Love

Ben & Montgomery

• Robin Lane

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We welcome Montgomery Frazier widely known as the "image guru" beyond his career he carries with him a remarkable and tender love story. He nursed his husband through years of illness, standing by him with profound devotion until his passing. Montgomery's journey of love, loss and resilience Office is a moving glimpse into the depths of what it truly means to love someone completely.


SPEAKER_01

Welcome to How We Love, the podcast that explores a beautiful, tangled, sometimes laugh out loud, sometimes break your heart in a million ways. Truths of human connection. I'm Robin Lane, your host and psychotherapist, and someone who's seen love in all its wildest forms. Today, in our inaugural episode, you'll meet a guest whose devotion redefines what it means to love deeply. A man who became both partner and caretaker, yet never lost himself in the process. His story is nothing short of extraordinary. It's my great honor to welcome the man known in the fashion industry as a fashion guru, but who I know as a man who was the most committed of husbands to his husband. Welcome, Montgomery Fraser.

SPEAKER_00

Well, thank you for having me. Um I appreciate the uh the uh the kind words. And um yeah, it's um everything you said is uh what I've been going through. It's um it'll be four months now since my husband Ben passed away. Um coming up soon. So still raw.

SPEAKER_01

Of course, of course. But can we I'd like to start with uh the backstory before you met Ben, because you were known as a celebrity fashion stylist, an image guru. Could you tell us what that is? Because I know you worked with lots of celebrities, but I really have no idea what a celebrity fashion stylist is.

SPEAKER_00

Well, when I um I started my career in that uh as the fashion director of MTV, um, which I had uh landed a job because I was a creative director for this company in Soho called Parachute, which was very innovative and very fashion forward. And we dressed then upcoming celebrities like Madonna and Durand Duran and Cher and a lot of other luminaries. And then from there I went to MTV. I was asked by this British, this new British VJ at the time called downtown Julie Brown, and she had asked me to come to uh on board to help her with her fashion, and she was quite fabulous. So I became the fashion director of MTV for eight years.

SPEAKER_01

And what exactly is a fashion director?

SPEAKER_00

Um, I dressed everyone who needed to be dressed. Basically, this you know, I I I I I merged fashion and music together on that platform, which was then very revolutionary and innovative. Uh now it's, you know, old hat. But uh back then it was quite intra- everybody wanted their MTV. That was their logo. I want my MTV and Billy Idol. Everyone was doing that. So I became the fashion director and I would have to dress anybody who needed. I would do the award ceremonies, I launched shows like Remote Control, uh uh House of Style. I I launched Club MTV and actually became the on-air fashion commentator where I would present fashion designers, uh, et cetera, uh, in choreographed routines by uh Geoffrey Ballet, uh choreographer Edward Morgan. And then I would uh trust anybody who needed to have style, you know, with celebrities. So I had a a lot of work to do.

SPEAKER_01

What does that mean? Does that mean that you have to go out to different designers to find the clothing? Is that is that what that entails, or do you create the clothes that you're I don't really understand?

SPEAKER_00

We didn't really create any of the clothes. We we we sourced from new designers at the time like Dolce Gabbana, Pat Field, Armani, um uh just to name a few that we would you know get clothes in, Nicole Miller. We launched, you know, a lot of designers. We'd I had what we called a revolving door policy where they would loan me uh samples, I'd I'd dressed Julie in them, then we'd return them, and then we'd credit them on whatever shows they would be in. So that was very successful, and um I I bridged uh fashion and music together.

SPEAKER_01

Well that what you were one of the original people to start doing that. Can you tell me how you you know how does that work?

SPEAKER_00

What do you what do you mean, how does it work?

SPEAKER_01

Well, I mean, how do you bridge fashion and music?

SPEAKER_00

Well, because before none of the VJs had any fashion style, they wore t-shirts and jeans. I literally would go in and call designers that I had worked with um or that you know um I knew that were you know publicists that say, oh, we have a new designer, Vivian Westwood. Uh, you know, they would love to, you know, dress downtown Julie Brown. So they would, I would go in, I would select things that I thought would look amazing on and Julie, and then we dress her in them, and then we'd return them. So it was a pretty um stable and very kind of circular concept where we borrow the clothes, we dress the celebrities, and we return them. They get credited and everybody gets exposure.

SPEAKER_01

Did it did you go to school for this?

SPEAKER_00

No, it's not something really it was something I had a look when I was hired in Soho because I looked a certain way. And you know, fashion has always been about they hire people that represent the brand. So at the time I was very trendy looking. I was kind of like a little Billy Idol wannabe. And I got hired at uh Parachute, this uh clothing company in Soho uh because I had a very good look. I mean, at the time. Um and so I progressed from assistant manager to creative director, and I was afforded the opportunity to work with legends like Mario Tostino and David La Chapelle, and uh, you know, people like that that were on the cutting edge at the time, and now they're kind of like legendary. So I was styling, a lot of styling. I would do all the parachute ads, we do music video, I we would do fashion videos, then I got into music videos as well, too. So it was a natural segue for me.

SPEAKER_01

Wow. That's very, very impressive. So you've just had a natural artistic bent.

SPEAKER_00

I just had a flair, you know. Um, so people either have it or they don't. Um, I think you can acquire it, but you know, I think that style is innate and fashion is transitory, you know? Um but I I had a particular look which apparently was very appealing at the time. And and I I modeled myself after like a Bowie slash a retro kind of 1950s Bowie kind of character. You mean you mean David Bowie? Yeah. I was he was like one of my idols. So I really uh I really emulated that look, you know, with a thin white duke and all that. I mean, you have to kind of know a little bit about David Bowie to understand that reference. But it was um, you know, I kind of that's who I patterned myself after, it was David Bowie. So more not so much with the makeup, but uh, but more about just the flair and the sort of the 70s vibe and uh, you know, with the with kind of like the very white, it was a it was a look that I kind of acquired and I I made it a hybrid. I suit to suit myself.

SPEAKER_01

Sounds wonderful. Let me ask you, what was your love life like back then?

SPEAKER_00

Um I've always been in relationships. Um I was uh I've always since I came to New York, because I came to New York during a very precarious time, which was called the beginning of the AIDS crisis. So when you come to New York the 80s, 1980? Yeah, I came here in '82. And that was when things were starting to get hot with the AIDS. People were starting to get it, and they people didn't know what it was. And so I was very afraid of uh really just being promiscuous. So I kind of partnered myself with uh with with boyfriends for a long time. You know, I was a serial monogamist.

SPEAKER_01

But you're just very smart.

SPEAKER_00

Uh well, it's just was my DNA, you know. Um, and so I guess that's why I'm still alive.

SPEAKER_01

Um but um, you know, I'm um yeah, so that that was why I was uh with all those relationships, w was there there was nothing ever that was as profound as when you met Ben.

SPEAKER_00

I had a 14-year relationship, but it was nothing to the extent of Ben. Ben was somebody I met, my husband Ben Mindish. He was just passed away, as I said, four months ago. But he, when I met him, he um I met him just randomly at this uh place called the Townhouse, and uh which I live now a few blocks from, which is so I.

SPEAKER_01

So do I. I know.

SPEAKER_00

I think you we live around the corner from you.

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

So I met him at this very it's a quintessential, you know, gentlemen's piano bar where people like to go and sing, you know, show tunes and all that. And then a lot of young boys meet, you know, older gentlemen. I was kind of in between the young boy and the gentleman. So I was a little in between. But I met Ben there and um he courted me for two months. Uh I'm sorry, two years, two months. So, what do you mean, two years? Why did it take two years? Uh, because I just gotten out of a relationship and I didn't really want to jump into something.

SPEAKER_01

So um when he asked what did what did you think of him when you first met him? Was he your type?

SPEAKER_00

Oh god, he was he was impeccable. Ben was exquisite. I mean, he looked like um he looked like uh an Italian Viscount.

SPEAKER_01

Oh my.

SPEAKER_00

And he was extremely, he had beautiful skin, he had uh like uh platinum hair, but he had I found out he dyed his hair platinum or bleached to platinum, and he was always dressed so f uh sortorially, and and I really appreciated that because I'm a bit of a bit of a dandy myself, but he was just impeccable.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, but you remember what he was wearing the first time you met him?

SPEAKER_00

I do, I do. He was wearing a a pale gray, pinstripe, double-breasted suit.

SPEAKER_01

I can't believe you remember that.

SPEAKER_00

I do. I remember like it was yesterday, I see him exactly in the same place, and I go to the townhouse now to just uh and I see him there in my mind. Um and I was wearing um a chocolate uh brown um uh YSL suit, which is not a very common-looking suit. You know, chocolate brown is not everybody's cup of tea, but apparently we we saw each other and um um was that the first thing you noticed about him, his clothes? Well, he's incredibly handsome too. I mean, he was just and he was such a gentleman. You know, and and in a place like that, it's rare to find a gentleman because they call it a gentleman's club, but it's really there are a lot of people that go there that are inappropriate and they just are trolling. Uh the swingers. I don't know what they're called. I don't know what they call them nowadays. I just all called them trolls. Anyway, but I was not there to pick up a troll. I saw this, I saw this magnificent jewel named Ben Mindish, and I it took me two years to say yes. Uh, but I did finally. And we were in the company of my dear friend Consuelo, and um she was there when he proposed to me, and he gave me this beautiful Hermes, simple Hermes ring that was so chic that we saw when we were just kind of you know walking on Madison one day, and I said, Oh, I love this, it's so simple. I love simple things. I'm not a big jewelry person, but Ben sold all the fine jewelry at Saks. So for him to buy something simple for me was like almost like a uh, you know, it was very away from his uh, you know.

SPEAKER_01

Anyway, it was um it was just how how did he propose?

SPEAKER_00

Well, we were at dinner with my friend Consuelo. We went to this place called Bistro Chate Noir, which was a very hot place on the upper east side on East 60, and we were just sitting at a table as we often did, and Ben was there, and he just pulled out this ring and he said, Would you marry me? I was shocked. First of all, I never thought I'd get married as a gay man because I never really wanted to. Uh, because I never really found anybody I'd want to marry. But it took me five seconds, and I said, Yes. Was I in love with him at the time? I don't think I was in love with him at the time, but I liked him a lot.

SPEAKER_01

He And you liked the ring.

SPEAKER_00

No, no, it wasn't the ring. I'm kidding you. Yeah, but the ring was like, it wasn't like an expensive, it was it was a nice looking Hermes ring, but it wasn't like super expensive. It was very simple. I still am wearing it.

SPEAKER_01

What did you say if?

SPEAKER_00

Because I liked him. I I thought I think I could have a really nice life with this man, and he's not boring. He never once bored me, and he was always fun. And we I found out that we could be like kids together, like we were just two peas in a pod. And I really needed somebody to help me, you know, to to to sort of bring out the you know, the innocence in me again. Because sometimes, you know, you live in New York and you get very jaded, right? And I wanted that that sort of simple but yet beautiful, glamorous life that where you don't have to pretend to be anything, and we're not we didn't compete with each other. He I I respected his style and he respected my style. And we just had a great life.

SPEAKER_01

What was the wedding like?

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god. The wedding was um set on a lake in Upper St. Regis in uh the Adirandicks, and Consuelo Vanderbilt uh is a dear friend of mine. She hosted it.

SPEAKER_01

Is that the Vanderbilt from the Vanderbilt?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. Oh boy. It's a summer, it's a summer camp, uh, like 17-bedroom summer camp with a with a its own guest pub pagoda, and it's set in the Japanese style, pagoda on the outside, but in the inside is very Teddy Roosevelt. So it was a really fabulous place, and there was only 30 people there because it was a destination that and it was very private. This was a family-owned compound. It wasn't like, you know, so she had offered to do this, and I thought at the time, wow, this is cool. And Ben just we had we had uh just a blast. My friend who's a designer, Milan, um, designed our outfits that replicated cranes on a sunset lake.

SPEAKER_01

So it was what does that mean, cranes on a sunset?

SPEAKER_00

What was cranes, like you know, the birds?

SPEAKER_01

What does that mean in terms of color?

SPEAKER_00

Well, like burnt orange, uh like sunset colors with a blue sky. So it was like blue, blue and and um burnt orange contrasting outfits and silk, and it was so magnificent. And we got married uh outside of a pagoda that they got at the grant uh at the World's Fair in 1932, I think it was New York. And so it was really quite magical, and everybody had a blast that weekend. So that's how we got married.

SPEAKER_01

Did you have a honeymoon?

SPEAKER_00

Um, I took him to Switzerland.

SPEAKER_01

Oh.

SPEAKER_00

I had won a trip at the Soho Soho um um, what is that? The Soho House. I won a trip to go to the La Prairie spa. Um, and it was like their 50th anniversary or whatever it was. And so I took Ben. So we had a magnificent time, and yeah, it was magical.

SPEAKER_01

And when did you fall in love with him?

SPEAKER_00

Um, I fell in love with him. I think the more I was with him, the more I just enjoyed. We just it wasn't really a time or a day, it just happened. And I always say to people, don't close your heart to people, because maybe they're not your type, but you know, if you like them and if you think, wow, I'm you know, give them a chance at least. And I'm glad I gave Ben a chance. The best best decision I ever made. Because I was always, I always kind of missed the ball with the with the boyfriend thing. Something always was a little off, or you know. So I I finally got it, I got it right.

SPEAKER_01

You got it right. And you were married for how long when Ben got ill?

SPEAKER_00

We were married for well, we were married for eight years total, but we were together for 15. And then gay marriage wasn't, I don't remember when gay marriage was, but we got married.

SPEAKER_01

So we were together for 15 years.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, 15 years. But you know, seven of those years was COVID and then dementia. So I I'm a very committed person when I when I commit. And I took an oath of marriage seriously, and I said, you know, okay, we're gonna get through this. We're with COVID was like one thing I had to protect him from because he was 82 years old. Or when I met him, he was a lot younger. But um when he got uh diagnosed, yeah, I think he was like 80 uh 80 years old. He would have been 83 in March. Um what were the first signs? Well, first signs were I think for me, the first signs were he couldn't remember lines when during COVID, I was I was getting him um, I got him an agent. Because he had a really great deep voice. He was like talk like this, you know, he's from the Bronx. So he would talk like that, right? And he was like a contradiction because he looked so incredibly fastidious, but he was such a guy, you know. He wasn't like, oh my god, you know, but he he wasn't like me, he wasn't a twink like me.

SPEAKER_01

I'm an old twink, right?

SPEAKER_00

I'm an old hair boy twink. Anyway, um, but he was so such a contradiction. So I got him an agent for his voice because he really wanted to do voiceovers after he quit Sachs. I wanted we needed to make some money because we were neither one of us were working at the time, um, because of COVID. I mean, I was still working at Soho Muse with Consuelo, but um Soho Muse was his platform for creative, so I was kind of working at home, but at one point um I had to quit because it was I was taking care of Ben too much, you know.

SPEAKER_01

Um let me just interrupt you for a second. So it was he wasn't able to remember lines he was supposed to do as an actor.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, when you you know, when you get scripts, he we he had a good look. So I got him really good, uh Consola actually got me uh got him a really good agent. So because he had a really good look. He was very elegant and very handsome, and he he looked like he could have been on the sopranos or he could have looked like he could have been in an Italian uh villa somewhere, you know. So he was he had a very good look and he had a really deep voice. So he got a lot of casting requests. But he'd get scripts, and at the first, you know, he'd do the reading, and then uh maybe three times in he couldn't remember the scripts. So that was the first sign.

SPEAKER_01

What did you think? Did you think it was anything?

SPEAKER_00

No, I just thought that he wasn't good at remembering scripts. But fast forward, he uh maybe a few months later, he started seeing little girls in the in the apartment, uh, faceless girls having their hair combed. And I thought, well, that's weird. I thought the apartment was um, I thought the apartment was uh haunted, so I saged it and all that. Well, so we took him to a neurologist at Langone and they did an MRI on him, and they said he had Lewy body dementia.

SPEAKER_01

Did you know what that was?

SPEAKER_00

I had no idea. It sounded harmless to me. I said, Oh, it sounds harmless. I actually said that. I said, Well, that sounds harmless. Not once did the neurologist prep us for what was to come or to inform us that this was extremely progressive and let's try to get ahead of it. Not once. So she prescribed something and says, we'll see you in six months. Well, in six months in the life of somebody with Lewy body dementia, it's like it's like an accelerator. You might as well go from zero to a hundred. It what didn't the the the pills didn't work, and I so I said, we gotta go back. And so I kept emailing the neurologist saying, I don't think these are working. So we went back in, and it was just a lot of stuff that was happening. He started uh forgetting hiding things and forgetting his keys or everything was hiding things. He was always hiding his wallets or his phone. I think his phone is still in the apartment now. I can't find it, even after you know, I canceled the thing. But oh God, there was so much. It was like an avalanche crashed in on me. Crash course in in everything. Um yeah, it was a lot. But you know, I loved him. And I th and the more he got sick, the more I just I knew that I'm never gonna give up on you, I'm never gonna leave you, I'm never gonna I'm not gonna just, you know, nambi pambi, you know, pass him off on somebody. Uh not once did I think let's put you in a home or anything. I didn't say I'm gonna take care of you. That's that's how I was.

SPEAKER_01

So just tell me, how did you manage all this?

SPEAKER_00

Well, there was nobody else to do it. So how was I supposed to supposed to it's either that no you sink or swim and I'm not one for giving up. Um I I mane I maneuvered and navigated uh all the landmines that healthcare between legality you know I couldn't even uh be uh I couldn't uh even talk on his behalf to any any of the banks or any of the hospitals because you have to be uh well even if you're legally married you have to be legally a proxy or health care um power of attorney those were things I had to learn all that I had to learn uh I had to find out all his bank accounts where where everything was because he couldn't remember uh how to pay bills from after a while you know just everything started crashing and and Ben started becoming very incapacitated mentally. Physically uh he was stam uh you know shuffling and uh he could barely walk one year. And then finally they found out that you know they prescribed him a drug for Parkinson's which the next day he could walk. So my point of saying that is that diagnosis is extremely important that they get the right thing and we didn't know he had diabetes either for a year. So a lot of time was wasted that I could have kept him alive had I have known all this stuff but you're at at the mercy of the healthcare system you're at the mercy of the insurance companies and you're at the mercy of everybody who basically has their handout when you need the help when you need help.

SPEAKER_01

Wow and when I I when he when did he die?

SPEAKER_00

He died um uh February the twenty second of this year at home no he died um at the Mary Manning Walsh rehab facility it's across from Southease yeah and um I think by the how long how long was he there? Not that long he he went out on a Friday he died on the next Saturday. Oh I see okay so by the time he had gotten to that facility he had pretty much reeked um he got really ill at this facility it uh called Fairview in Queens and he got sepsis E. coli and pneumonia and that really that really sealed his fate and I kept every day I kept screaming at these people to try to you know because it was a filthy facility every I was always something it was in the middle of the winter and there was a there was drafts in the no wonder he got pneumonia. There was drafts in the window and I had to have them finally move him because I said he's gonna catch pneumonia. Well he did.

SPEAKER_01

Anyway I'm I haven't really spoken about this um because it's just really painful so I'd really um I understand I completely get it I understand so subsequent to that you have now started a fashion line using both your names could you describe the name of it and what I actually did it with your amazing resilience.

SPEAKER_00

And it's been now seven years that we were living off of that and I said I've got to make I've got to make money at home but as a caregiver you literally are 247 work uh tending to your your loved one so I I would have to bop up and down bop up and down bop up I was never stopping I'd look I aged 10 years in those four years. But you know um a friend of mine said well why don't you do a GoFundMe I did that and I raised some money for that which was great uh so I could pay off bills and a lot of stuff because the bills were mounting and as you can imagine every trip to the hospital costs it's like every time he was in the hospital was like $100,000.

SPEAKER_01

Not like this.

SPEAKER_00

And that's so you know you add that up it's a lot. So I had to devise a way to make money at home. So a friend a doctor a friend of mine Dr. Victor he said why don't you create an e-commerce site? You're a fashion person and I said I don't know anything about e-commerce. Well I learned just like I learned everything else I learned how to navigate e-commerce I put together a an e-commerce luxury athleisure uh lifestyle brand called Ben Mo 2.0 and that Ben Mo 2.0 Ben Mo 2 at the B-E-N slash M O slash 2.0 and that represented Ben and Montgomery reboot so so that was my attempt to reboot our life in a in in a trajectory that wasn't going to lead us into the pop you know the poor farm. So but Ben was by my side as I was designing things and you know because Ben was in my total inspiration for this I said I'm not gonna make some tragic t-shirt line I'm gonna do some really fabulous stuff. And I did and Ben was there right beside me and until he wasn't you know he was going to walk in the show um but he didn't live um but I'm sorry so the uh caring kind of organization that I have been uh was a big resource and a big help for me they they bought all my samples so I could launch my brand um and they were they were a wealth of uh of help and resources and and things to do well for Ben they got us a really nice New York One piece where I could tell my story about how things can get really bad fast for people with you know that are caregiving and it was like caregivers especially spouses don't get paid to caregive their spouses did you know that yes of course well not a lot of people don't I went through that myself yeah so you know that when you if unless you're independently wealthy you are going to go broke because you're gonna how are you gonna make money so that was my dilemma how do I make money at home so that's why I did Ben Mo. Now that Ben is gone I'm continuing the the crusade to ring the alarm about Louis body dementia specifically Louis body because I know that there's a lot of a lot of things about Alzheimer and and Parkinson's and all that but not much has been said about Louis body and Louis body is such a progressive disease that people need to know that's what I I believe that that's what uh Robin Williams um has. Yes that's right and um a lot of other people are coming out about with it too. We just had our caring kind uh forget me not gay last week which was brilliant and um Mrs. Willis Bruce Willis was attending and Fern Malice was accepted an award and uh because she she specifically mentioned Louie body dementia and I I commend her for that because you know a lot of people don't say it. And it's I never heard of it until you mentioned it. Well it's a very it's really it's it's cancer is a messy horrible horrible deadly disease. Louie body is a cruel disease because you literally see your loved one change. They don't remember you you you change because you're so exhausted that you're you know you you you're you have no sense of humor you don't eat well you you're not you you get mad easily you know um just a lot a lot of stuff like that you know so I of course I um I had to refrain I had to walk walk away from Ben sometimes because I'd get so angry with them and I wasn't really angry at Ben I was angry at the disease. I know I've been there I understand that completely and you and you don't want to take it out on the person but you have no choice. You know we had AIDS coming in once in a while but you know Medicaid will only pay so much so you're stuck maybe four hours a day you get help for four days a week four hours a day the rest of the time you're on your own I was literally walking with Ben I was I was helping him I was doing everything I was shaving him feeding him I was you know hospital appointments you know how that is when you have to orchestrate somebody's life and you have to coordinate it and it's just there was nobody else to do it. So who else was going to do it? Me. And I don't complain about it now. I mean I'm not bitching about it. I'm just saying that's what it was.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah I understand completely of course you're just being a real re telling the r reality of that kind of an experience. And so where are you now?

SPEAKER_00

I'm trying to heal um I'm trying to get on with my life because I'm still in Ben mode um and I still think Ben will be coming home but he won't um I've been going out a lot uh I've been very social I've been getting involved with things that you know are will distract my attention from my sadness and I'm extremely sad right now. I mean I I'm I'm crying every other minute so I'm keeping myself together for this interview but um it's not easy to just move on it's not easy because especially when I mean this was when I say Ben was this this two halves of the same coin that's what we were we were two halves of the same coin.

SPEAKER_01

Let me ask you something with all that that you've been through and if you had to do it all over again would you still go down the same road? I'd go down the same road but I'd do it smarter I would no I mean would you still have married him knowing that he it would wind up like that.

SPEAKER_00

Yes because you know what I found what most people will never find and I found somebody that I absolutely love and I'll join him again. You mean you found your soulmate as corny as that sounds and you know what he's he's he's in a different dimension. He's in a better dimension right now. He's still with me but he's not by my side in this dimension and that's how death is I've been uh talking to a medium uh called uh Robert Litt from uh Light on Water it's a Facebook group and he's brilliant he's a medium I've been talking I've I've communicated with Ben multiple times since his passing well that must give you some relief it has and honestly that's really what's kept me going is the fact and I know this is Ben because I I I just know the way Ben talks. I know Ben how Ben would speak and answer. This is not something somebody can make up right I uh Ben gets upset when I say he's not here anymore he keeps he's yelling at me saying I'm here I'm right here next to you you just can't see me