Outgrowing Your Life: Non-Linear Growth, Desire Shifts & Emotional Disconnect

What does it actually mean to outgrow your life?

In this episode, we explore the reality of non-linear personal growth, shifting desires, and the emotional weight of realizing that something you once built no longer feels aligned.

We break down the difference between spontaneous desire vs cultivated desire, and how to recognize when your current path is being driven by conditioning rather than truth.

This conversation also dives into:

• Why personal growth doesn’t feel clear or linear
• The grief that comes with outgrowing your life, work, or relationships
• Feeling disconnected from your life (and what’s really underneath it)
• Emotional awareness and honesty during periods of change
• Energy exchange, reciprocity, and recognizing imbalance in relationships

If you’ve been feeling disconnected, questioning your direction, or sensing that your desires have changed—this episode will help you understand what’s actually happening beneath the surface.

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Connect with Taylor

Connect with Adrienne

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome back to another episode of TNA. Guys, we're just gonna hop right into it. But before we hop into it, I am gonna ask you to take a moment and hit like, subscribe, or share. If you've listened to any of our episodes and you have found them to be helpful, the only way this podcast exists or grows is because we have listeners like you. And when listeners like you take the time to spend a little bit of your week with us, which we so appreciate. I hope you're listening to this with your favorite hot beverage. You're listening to the TNA podcast. Totally not appropriate. We're your hosts, Taylor Sappington, a cosmic cartographer, medical astrologer, and herbalist decoding the intersection of soul, body, and belief.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

And Adrian Irizari, a psychoalchemist trained in East Asian medicine, vibrational healing, and the sacred science of your nervous system. Together we blend ancient tools, clinical wisdom, and unapologetic truth-telling. From main events to metaphysics, tarot to tonics, karma to cancel culture, nothing is off-limits and everything is on the table. This space is for the boldly curious, the ones who crave uncomfortable conversations, crave deeper insight, and are done pretending that they don't feel what they feel.

SPEAKER_02 1:25

So turn it up, tune in, and don't say we didn't warn you. Welcome to TNA. Everybody loves a Sheldon, right? If you have not watched The Big Bang, we are on like our fifth go-round from season one to the end of this season. I cry on every final episode. I know it's coming at this point. I can repeat lines, but I see a lot of Sheldon in my son. I think it's hilarious. If you're listening to this, I hope you're doing it with your favorite hot beverage or on a walk in your favorite place. But I would really appreciate, Adrian would really appreciate if you helped us grow. And we grow by spreading the love and sharing the podcast. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. As per usual, Adrian and I are having a really beautiful conversation offline. And I really should just start hitting record when we hop on camera and requesting certain parts of our conversation be edited out because not everything that we talk about needs to find its way to a public platform, right? I love having these conversations publicly, but I'm also a deeply and intensely private person. And I think, Adrian, that I can speak for you when I say that as well, too. I just had this really beautiful conversation with a fellow astrologer. It's always nice when I find an astrologer who understands the esoteric element of astrology because a lot of my understanding of my chart, yes, we can talk about the basic bitch astrology where I tell you what fucking Mars does, you know, and fucking Pluto, like every other one of the five million sensationalized astrologers on Instagram. You can find that information anywhere. I just find it to be lacking context and substance, really. And it doesn't hold full reverence for what astrology is actually there to do for us. But I have Venus in my 12th house under the sign of cancer. So my 10th house is ruled by Taurus, which is a really beautiful sign for your 10th house, like your house of business and public affairs ruled by Taurus, which is all about resources and sustainability, right? But I have no planets in the 10th house. Not a bad thing, but its ruler sits in the 12th. Talk about a conundrum, like a personal conundrum. You know, so there's this 11th house stellium with Gemini, where all of my wounds exist. And then there's this 10th house, you know, that's very well resourced by the sign that it's governed by, but there's the element that governs that 10th house that sits in the 12th house under cancer. So not only do I feel everything going on in the collective and I process it subconsciously at all times. It's very physical for me, it's extremely uncomfortable. There's this constant tennis match that goes on with visibility for me. I want to share, but you're not that much. I want you to see me, but you know, like how much of me do I actually want you to see? You know, and that's only amplified by Chiron and Lilith sitting in my 11th house conjunct, my son with a Leo ascendant. So, like my birth chart is very much like, hey, it's me, and you can see it. I have been called intense three times this week. Very complimentary, though. I will say that. Everybody has said it like you cut through the noise. It's easy to listen to you because you're not like so humbly talking about a topic. You either like me or you don't. And I'm intense, right? But we're talking about desire. You know, and we're talking about spontaneous versus responsive desire. And Adrienne and I were getting ready to, you know, veer off into a conversation about how this exists, yes, in the bedroom and with sexual preferences as we get older, as we grow wiser. Man, I am so stoked about becoming a crone. Like I had a conversation with a girlfriend last week. She has like a full gray mane, and I was just in awe of how beautiful her full gray mane is. I was like, oh my God. I love how this looks on you. I can't wait to go full gray. Like, I just think it's like a badass place to be in life. But yes, that exists in the bedroom, but it also exists within community preferences, within friendships, within business dealings. And we live in this world of perpetual linear growth. That doesn't exist where we're going, right? That's dense, that requires inertia, that requires a lot of starting energy to follow all the way through. And guys, like that's dying dead and done, right? So when we talk about spontaneous desire versus responsive desire, I think it's really important to put into context that, you know, where we're going with the way things are changing, do you feel like time is moving up like at a rapid pace? Yes. Yeah. Like just pay attention to your relationship with time, right? Things are changing and we can see it in the subtleties that we choose to acknowledge. But this whole idea or this notion that we're supposed to go to a job, I think it's dying, but it's not fully dead. Go to a job, stay at that job for 20 plus years, invest in a pension. I don't think most companies offer that anymore. They offer a 401k, which is horseshit, comparatively speaking, to a pension, right? Or find a friend when we're five or 15 and maintain the friendship until we're 95. If you can do that while both of you are growing and evolving and changing, oh my God, I think that's the most beautiful thing. But most people hang on to dead things out of obligation. I think that's what I'm trying to say. And I think our desires reflect that. So you were saying spontaneous versus responsive desire.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

So spontaneous desire is like the hearts and flowers stuff at the beginning of a relationship. Okay. This is something that everybody can connect to. And you just think about the person, you get the warm and fuzzies, you see the person, you want to jump their bones, right? Like that's spontaneous. Responsive or reactive desire has to be cultivated. This is like cultivating a relationship. This is really tending the garden. Okay. So if we're going to keep this in the context of like a romantic partnership, because I see so many women in their early 40s in my practice going, my libido is gone. And it's like, but it's not. She just needs different things than she did before because your body is changing and your circumstances are changing, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_02 7:44

But can we talk about libido in the sense that it's not just sexual desire? Eastern modalities recognize libido as vitality, and vitality has to exist in all elements of life. So if your job doesn't turn you on, right? Or you wake up in the morning and you look around the room and the paint color doesn't turn you on, or your clothes don't turn you on. And I don't mean like, oh, I'm getting all hot and bothered. Like, more like I'm excited. I enjoy where I am. I like what I'm looking at. You walk outside, you know, and you don't like what you're looking at in your backyard or your front yard or your drive to work. You can't fucking stand your drive to work because it's the same mundane shit. Guess what? Your libido in all senses of your life is tanked, and you don't think that's gonna reflect in the bedroom?

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Mm-hmm. Exactly. And let's throw into the early 40s that your body is undergoing this big shift. So, like some days you have energy, some days you feel kind of flat. What you're seeing in the mirror is changing. There are a lot of women that have a really hard time with now. I'm starting to get the quote unquote meno belly. I'm doing all the things. So then they start with the negative self-talk that they're not doing enough and they have to make changes and so on and so forth. Like there's a lot that shifts.

SPEAKER_02 8:59

But can we come back to the menow belly for a minute, right? Think about the way things in your body process, right? Let's just take dry brushing, for example. The whole purpose of dry brushing is like toe up to the center, head down to the center, right? Like everything is moving in a strategic direction. So if everything is hitting a roadblock or a traffic jam in your belly, do we not think that that is a stark reminder of the things that we're not properly processing in our life, namely our emotions? Right? I don't know, or the fact that we don't have appropriate boundaries because your body is going to create a boundary between you and your exterior energetic world if you're not doing it for it. Well, so it ain't just fat.

SPEAKER_01 9:47

No. And Chinese medicine recognizes it as the swamp that's sitting in this middle part of the body. And yes, moving your limp does help that, but there is a really big energetic component. The extraordinary vessel, the dime, that is the only one, they call it the belt vessel or the girdle vessel, and it goes around the body and it controls essentially how tight and how loose things are in the middle part of your body. And when we're stressed and feeling out of alignment for whatever reason, it creates tension and it squeezes everything in there. You know, sometimes people will see it as constipation arising. Sometimes people will be like, yeah, like all of a sudden my low belly like really hurts. You can see it down into like the sacrum. People who are like, Oh, I don't know if I have sciatica, it's not quite in the right place. Well, that actually falls all along that line that I'm talking about. And so some of the quote unquote aches and pains that we start getting are a result of that tightening aspect that's happening when things don't feel aligned. So, you know, you know that look when you look at yourself in the mirror and you're like, I love this dress. I feel so good in this dress today. I mean, you might think that you look like a fox, but you might just be really happy that you're wearing a dress with bright print and it makes you feel good, right? Like you just have this different glow about you when you look at yourself in the mirror. That's the kind of turn on that we're talking about. Like it's a zest for life, it's a vitality. You have this feeling of energy in your system because things feel good. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:27

And I mean, so yeah, it's your relationship with desire, essentially. This is just another way to look at your relationship with desire, right? It's the reason I brought up astrology is because it shows up through particular dynamics in your chart. Just like I'm sure you can pattern it through the lens of TCM and you can pattern it through the lens of Area Veda, and you can pattern it through constitutional presentation. And a lot of us end up chastising ourselves for not having that react. Is it the responsive that we're talking about? The responsive, the spontaneous piece. Right. Like the fact that we're just not instantly in that moment of turn on. Right. So I think it's interesting because you can learn that about yourself through your astrological chart, but you can also learn that through your constitutional patterning. And it really just started talking, like our whole conversation was revolving around sex before we hit record and whether or not women, you know, have that lusty feeling 10 years in. I would love to hear from somebody who does, not in a new relationship. Like you've been with your partner, I've been with Paul a decade, right? Like a decade, 15 years, 22 years. Like I would love to hear from somebody in the comments who's in a relationship where that spontaneous desire still exists.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

And it does exist, but it requires cultivation. Yeah. Right? Like you can get back into that spontaneous position when you've done the work, meaning the garden is tended and you are feeling enlivened in multiple areas of your life. It's very easy to flip that switch into the bedroom because you are maintaining a simmer on the pot. Yeah. Women's bodies are like diesel engines, they need to run a bit in order to start driving. You have to maintain a simmer in different aspects of your life. It doesn't always have to be sexually charged, like Taylor was saying, but like being able to look at yourself in the mirror and go, I like how my jeans look today, or I love the print on this dress. It makes me feel happy. I mean, I looked at my closet when I left corporate, and my closet was gray and brown and navy blue and black. I wore scrubs. And you know what?

SPEAKER_02 13:56

I love scrubs. I have thought about getting a pair just to sit in my office, as ridiculous as that sounds, but it's also like going to work in PJs. It's a sophisticated PJ based on the setting. But there was a point in time like you where there were corporate elements to my job where I could not show up in scrubs. Okay, fine, where I had to get dressed. I will say, I look back at the things that I wore. It was a good excuse to have an Ann Klein dress. Man, I loved me some Anne Klein. You know, it's Ann Klein, right? It's been so long. Or Anne Taylor or the loft. Like, I did really like, I don't dress like that anymore. And sometimes I wonder if it would be beneficial for me to get dressed. Like today, I have like a beautiful green sundress on and I did my makeup. Like there are days where I get up and I'm like, okay, Taylor, we're gonna get up and we're gonna get dressed as if we're leaving the house because it's good for me. You know, and it cultivates a different sense of whimsy in my life throughout the day versus the standard I'm gonna put on like my, it's hot as shit in Florida. We've officially hit summer. I'm gonna put on like my spaghetti strap, romper, and roll for the day in my sneaks. Like, yeah, there's something to be said about what that does for the perspective, like getting up and getting dressed.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Well, and that's something that like as a homeschooling parent and somebody who works at home more than outside of the house, I get dressed every single day. I dress myself as if I'm leaving the house and I make my kids do it too. Yeah. So even though the in fashion right now is pajama pants and uggs out in public, which I still cannot figure out. But I'm like, cool, you want to wear your bedroom clothes outside of the house. Awesome. All right. So anyway, I don't fight my teens. Can you tell I have teens? So I do tell everybody that you need to make your bed, you need to get yourself dressed as if we are leaving the house for the day.

SPEAKER_02 15:56

Yeah. Like, I don't get up going like I can't wait to make my bed, although it might make it a little more fun. It's more like, okay, I'm gonna set the tone for the day, you know.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

Well, and that's it. It's you already start your day with something done. You have created some balance in your space. It doesn't feel cluttered and disorganized, which maybe that's a little more of a feng shui thing, but like it helps your nervous system. Yes. And everything feels like it is had continuity and completion. And, you know, so anyway, my teenagers fight me about this. I tell them, tough, I don't care that you're homeschooled. This has been a routine since we started homeschooling, we're gonna continue with it, because it does nourishing things for your nervous system when you do these things. And so I try to get up every day. I don't always do my hair. I will be honest with that. Most of the time, you'll gonna see me rocking a ponytail. But when I have people on the table, I'm leaning forward, hair in my face. I don't leave my hair down as much as I used to, plus, I'm more energetically sensitive, and hair is like an antenna. So I tie mine up a lot.

SPEAKER_02 17:11

Hair is an antenna. There's no like about it, which I get so much shit for cutting my hair. Really? Think about it. Like, you don't want to cut the antenna short in a lot of ancient modalities, it's why certain cultures where it's turbines, I want to be respectful and make sure I'm saying it appropriately, right? But like that's why we have headdressings in certain cultures because the hair is sacred and considered something that needs to be protected.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

See, and I cut mine when I have evolved. Like when I can feel that energetically I'm in a new place, I will cut my hair because I'm letting go of old history and I'm starting in a new place, much to my Spanish husband's chagrin. A few times I've cut my hair super short. And I'm just like, I needed to start this chapter with a different vibe. But you also know that look that you get when you look in the mirror and you're like, I'm so glad I did this. I feel good. Like it lifted a space in me someplace, right? So this is where tenting the garden becomes so important. It's what you put on your body, it's how you feel in your body. Maybe you anoint yourself with oils. Maybe you have a favorite lotion that you like just being really intentional about applying it to your body after a shower. Maybe it's like I chose blue today because I just was feeling it. I wanted a vibrant color today. So going back to my wardrobe, like I now have to hunt for clothing that is black. So whenever we've had gone to a funeral, I'm like, I want to be the person whose funeral is like everybody looks like a bunch of highlighters because we're celebrating the life of somebody.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

I know there is an element of sadness that exists in this 3D realm. Look, death is like such a complicated thing in this world. It really is. And I understand, like, I've lost people, you've lost people. It's difficult to lose the physical form of a person that you really love. And at the same time, energy is neither created nor destroyed. So while the physical form of that person is gone, the essence and the entity of them is not. And communication is still there, it's just looks a little bit different. You know, I think a really big testament. I have yet to lose a parent, and I'm grateful for that, albeit our relationship is complex. But I think true testament to death in my world will be when I lose one of them. With the complexity that goes along with it. You know, like what does this look like in 3D form and how is my human gonna grieve this versus like my soul and what she knows actually exists beyond what it is that we see? You know, but to your point, I want a green burial, please don't put me in a casket. I want to be covered in flowers and wrapped in like a musling cloth. Like, please don't put me in a wooden box and put me in a concrete hole in the ground. Like, I want to go back and be part of the birds and the bugs and the bees and the trees. I want to become part of the mycelium network that exists below ground. Like that is, I want to go back to where I came from. So, sister speaks when you say, I want a highlighter. Yeah, me too. And I want it to be wildflowers. Thank you. I'm stating it on the podcast, April 29th, 2026. This will be forever ingrained. You know, to those that love me, please come back and reference this when it is my time because that's what I would like.

SPEAKER_01 20:33

Yeah. You know, I want it to be a celebration, not a grievance, right? And so that's when we've gone to family funerals. I'm like, hmm, I have to find some color here that is going to be appropriate for this. Because I wanted to be more colorful. And I felt like there was a piece of who I was that had to conform in that environment. And my wardrobe is significantly more colorful now. And I love that it is because I feel like it reflects who I am more. So, like today, I was feeling the blue.

SPEAKER_02 21:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:08

And I choose colors and I choose certain things that make me feel comfortable and colors that I like on myself in order to lift that energy. Yeah. Right. So there's so many ways that we can foster and tend to this garden. And I think this is where sometimes we lose communication with other people around us because like this garden can be tended by anyone in your life in different ways, right? Like, I always make sure if I see a woman out in public and I love what she's wearing or I love her shoes or whatever, I say something. I'm like, I know you don't know me from a hole in the wall, but those shoes are fabulous. That totally makes that woman's day. Yeah. And she will probably talk about it at dinner and with her girlfriends a few days later. Like, this random woman just walked up. Me and was like, I love your shoes today. Like, I make sure to do that because that tends the garden. Yeah, it's not even my garden. Although I feel good after I do that because I know the effect that it has on them.

SPEAKER_02 22:13

Do you know what's so interesting? I don't know if we talked about this on the last podcast. I don't think we did. If we did, tell me, and I won't repeat myself. But I went to the grocery store and while I was picking through kale, I posted about this. Okay. Yes, you didn't talk about it on the show, though. I was picking through kale and one of the gentlemen, it was for soup. I love how people make these generalizations. I'll get to them in a minute about people, but it really does. I'm plugging into your point of making someone's day, right? This gentleman that works at the grocery store, they know me by my first name, guys. It's a local grocery store. I know every cashier's name. They're all older hippie women, and I fucking love them. I could talk to them about any far-out topic while I'm checking my groceries out. I love going to the grocery store. Okay. I could be buddies with these women, but he's like hand watering part of the vegetable section. He goes, like it was so timid. You could tell he wasn't sure if he was gonna trip a wire or not. Because we live in a world where everybody's wires are fucking tripped all the time. Can I ask you a question? And I'm like, yeah, sure. What's up, dude? You know, and he's like, What's your ethnicity? You know, and my immediate response was fabulous. I didn't even think about it. I was like, I shocked myself. And we both looked at each other and like broke out in laughter because who expects that out of someone's mouth, you know? Right. But I launched into like, I am English, I am Welsh, I am German, I am this, I am very European, very white, and Southeast Asian, by the way. You know, like let me just throw that in there. That's the part that always shocks people. But I posted about this, and like, you know, we got to chatting, he's from Florida, like I got to know him a little bit, and then obviously he's at work, so we had to move on with our life. But it was a wonderful interaction. So I post about this online, and the overwhelming response was positive. It was like, I love this, this was so fun. You had a troll, didn't you? I had multiple middle-aged white men uh-huh, get a life, guys. Get a life, okay. Always mediocre. I'm not even sorry about that. Go to the gym, take a walk, do something with it. I don't know what to tell you, but like, do something, put some effort in. Other than like getting up, shaving, and putting your glasses on. Do something with it. I can tell you pop a few beers when you get home at night. Like, I don't know. But always, always, well, I knew from your picture what that I was white. Bitch, just because my skin is white tells you nothing about who I am, like where I come from. Wow, how small minded are we? Right. Or, like, isn't that a questionnaire on a box, on a form? I'm sorry, he didn't hand me a form. We didn't have one in conversation. We were making conversation, right? Like, he made my day, I made his day, I'm still talking about it a week later, as I'm sure he is too, right? It was a moment of elevating each other in connection. There are tweets that live on a timeline where it's still fun, and they all have dad in their profile.

SPEAKER_01 25:16

That sounds like the guy that responded to my clip. So if you guys listened to the episode a couple of weeks ago where I was talking about kind of feeling invisible in my family because of, you know, I'm the logician, I'm this, I'm that. And I had somebody respond underneath post that posted clip. Oh no, I have responsibilities. And I was like, oh, let me see who this person is. Like I ended up deleting it because I didn't want to get confrontational in the moment. And there's part of me that kind of wishes I had responded and been like, so how much of the invisible load do you take on every day?

SPEAKER_02 25:54

It's not even that. It's like, one, I think it's a mental illness that needs to be studied. Anyone who is making negative comments on a stranger's video on the internet, you have a mental illness that needs to be studied. Okay, like hands down. People who are happy with their life, people who are doing the damn thing, people who have purpose, people who are engaged with the world around them, don't take their precious resource of time and make negative comments or leave negative commentary on a stranger's video on the internet to pump themselves up. Okay, it's mental illness that needs to be studied. Okay, but also to think that someone's life, the only options they have are to continue to deal with their internalized frustration, option one, or externalize it to a stranger or probably people that they know. Because if they're doing this to strangers, I can only imagine how they treat people that they know, right? Like that's it. There's no option in their world that's like, I'm just not gonna say anything and I'm gonna move on. Because if that was an option and they were truly interested in it, most people who understand, which is not a lot of people, not sorry, that you know, your energy is a precious gift and it needs to be exchanged in a way that's reciprocal, right? They're not gonna comment. They're gonna go, oh, that's interesting, and they're gonna keep moving.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

My grandmother always used to say, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

SPEAKER_02 27:33

Also, like reflect on yourself. Why is what I'm saying, why am I triggering you?

SPEAKER_01 27:39

Yes, I've had that conversation a lot, I feel like in the last couple of weeks is so, you know, an honest, innocent question. If it's pushing up against something that feels uncomfortable inside, if you get curious about it because it's telling you something. And there aren't enough people who are taking that moment to reflect. Like, so why is this coming up for me? What is it mirroring for me? Why is it triggering?

SPEAKER_02 28:09

Because we don't live in a world of genuine authenticity. Authenticity is an all-time low, okay, and mental illness is at an all-time high. I'm very confident that those two things are intimately inextricably linked, you know? So, like, are you authentically an asshole? I mean, I'm authentically intense. There's no other way to put it. It is not me trying to be aggressive or mean. If I try to turn this off, I get sick. Okay. I've tried to turn this off my entire life. I have had so many people, you're aggressive, you're in your masculine, you're too intense. Bitch, I just paid you $15,000 for you to tell me this. What an awful experience with mentors I've had. Okay, I'm sorry. I just invested in your services for you to tell me I'm too intense. Why don't you get to know the intensity? The intensity is actually really genuine. And wouldn't you rather engage with somebody who's intense because you know exactly what you're getting versus someone who's vanilla and trying to calltail to the political correctness that has to exist in every corner of life.

SPEAKER_01 29:22

Well, and I think at this point in my life that I just don't have the energy anymore. You just get to that point.

SPEAKER_02 29:28

I can't imagine the standard for me investing in someone at this point is so fucking high. Like, if you can't walk through my birth chart in a better way than I do, bye. If you can't teach me something about myself that I don't already know, bye. If you can't activate something in me that I can then utilize to better my life and then better the lives of people I support, buy. And it's not even about the money, right? The energetic exchange happens long before the money. The money is just a byproduct of that energetic exchange. It's the world that we live in. There has to be something in the tangible world, but that energy that is the money starts long before we exchange. I have wasted a lot of energy.

SPEAKER_01 30:08

Yeah, I have too. And that was part of our conversation ahead of this is like, where do you spend your energy? Are you overspending in places that aren't serving you or don't serve the version of you that exists right now? And what does that look like? Because, you know, I just think about the relationships that I've essentially maintained over the course of long periods of time where I'm the sounding board for them. I'm the one that reaches out and checks in and says, where are you? It's exhausting. And I want to be able, and it's been very hard for me, if I'm really truthful. It has been very hard for me to lean on people because I feel like a burden and like I feel like I'm draining their energy when I can't hold myself up.

SPEAKER_02 30:59

But what's the other option in your timeline, Adrian? Right? Because this is where life shifts, right? That's the option we go to because that's the option that's always been available to us. But when we recreate our reality, which you and everyone listening is fully capable of doing. And I'm not talking some woo-woo shit. I'm talking like solid science here, okay? But when we make decisions to recreate our reality, what's the new option in the timeline? Oh, I'm not a burden, which means I'm gonna find people that can hold me up in moments of weakness, but there's gonna be reciprocity in those relationships. And shit begins to shift immediately when we make that choice. We pull ourselves out of the victim mentality, not pointing a finger, just saying generally, right? We pull ourselves out of this, like, I have always been a burden, because I think a lot of people listening to this are gonna understand exactly what you're saying. We pull ourselves out of this victim mentality and we become, oh God, as ridiculous as this sounds, the victor, you know, by making a choice to change shit. It's all on us. But when we find our people, we begin to like evenly distribute it because then we can all hold each other at different chapters of really the week, the day, the month, the year. But it's choice. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:14

Everyone's like, oh, I've known them for so long. Okay. And and I've let go of a lot of those relationships because I used to be the one that would try to reach out and try to maintain, and how are you doing? And I was always the person that remembered everybody's anniversaries and birth dates and all of that kind of stuff. It's exhausting, it is exhausting, and I've gotten progressively irritated with, and I can see it in my daughter too. And so, like where I am in my journey, I'm trying very hard to say to her that it's okay to let some of these relationships go if they don't reach back out to you because it bothers her. This is my 14-year-old. She really deeply gets hurt when people don't ask her how she's doing. She goes, I'm friends with these people, but unless I reach out, nobody ever checks in on me. And I said, Well, I said, you have to decide like, is this where you want to spend your energy? Is this a good use of your time? And she has a new friend who will check in with her multiple times during the day. And she's like, it's so refreshing, mom, that I have this friend that wants to actually know how I'm doing and asks me real questions about what I want and what I don't want, what I like and what I don't like, and that kind of thing. She goes, like, I don't have many friends like that. And I said, Sweetheart, that's gonna be the reality is that not everybody can hold the space the way that you do. And it's up to you to decide how you're spending your energy. So coming back to this idea of turn on, right? In aspects of your life, where are you overextending? Where are you spending time that isn't serving you and doesn't feel aligned to you anymore?

SPEAKER_02 34:04

And I think it's really important to reframe friendship through the lens of like, if I don't actually know me. Yes. I had this conversation yesterday. You know, I'm coming to realize my friend circle is real small. Real small. And I'm okay with that. Like for a while it bothered me because the idea of being in community with women is so beautiful to me.

SPEAKER_00 34:26

Right.

SPEAKER_02 34:26

But the reality of it is today, most women can't even hold themselves, let alone each other. And then we get mad at the women that can't hold us when we're not even holding ourselves. Right. And the deeper I go with me, the less interested I am in going deeper with women who don't even know how to hold themselves. I'm not interested because that burden is going to shift, and I don't have the bandwidth for that burden. I have bandwidth to be in a relationship where there's genuine reciprocity, but genuine reciprocity rarely exists. I might sound like a bitch saying all of this, but you know, the smaller it gets, the better I'm okay with being a little isolated in my own world. Aware, cordial, attuned, which makes me want to be more isolated and not in the way where it's like, oh, don't come near me. It's more or less like, yeah, I'm happy to hold space for you. And is this gonna be something that is gonna be reciprocal? Because if it's not, I'm disinterested. And if there are unspoken expectations that you have made me unaware of, and then you're gonna hold me to those expectations at some point in the future, and you're gonna call me a bad friend because I didn't live up to the expectations that you never vocalized, I'm even less interested. Oh, and how much work? Prerequisite now? How much work have you done with yourself? How much time have you spent sitting with yourself? How much of your soul do you actually know? Because I'm also disinterested in people who have no interest in getting to know themselves on that level. And I understand those prerequisites are gonna take my bandwidth, if you will, and they're gonna go real tiny.

SPEAKER_01 36:08

Okay. Yep. My circle has gotten smaller and smaller and smaller over the years for the exact same reasons. And the more work that I do, sometimes I feel like I self-isolate because it is much easier for me to go within than it is for me to be in the world, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 36:31

Is it easier because you've never actually had the setup where going external for support was reciprocated? Because I think there's a difference, right? Like I think a lot of us learn how to self-isolate out of self-preservation because we weren't provided the opportunity to sit in relationship with someone who could actually hold the space in a way where we didn't take it on.

SPEAKER_01 36:57

I think some of that. I think there's some of that, but I think some of it is that my internal world has always been a very interesting and dynamic place anyway. So that's always where I've gone. But do you get stuck there? Sometimes, if I'm being honest, sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 37:13

Yeah, like that's a I don't want to call it a risk, but that's a risk that a lot of us who go inside run.

SPEAKER_01 37:21

Yeah. You know, it's what I've found over the years though is that I go inward less to figure things out than I used to. Like my brain used to be a really comfortable place for everything. And I would say over the last five years or so, I've really become much more in touch with this vessel that I live in, which was a really big and kind of rude transition. And I say kind of rude because she started to physically yell at me when I wasn't paying attention to her. So I have learned in the last little bit, and if my chiropractor is listening to this, she's probably gonna laugh. I have noticed that my sacrum likes to lock up and have a mind of its own when I am too much in my head and not enough in my body. And she speaks very loudly. It happened for the first time when I was in an herbal school intensive. I was like four, almost five days into it. And I had attributed it at the time to doing a lot of sitting because I've been sitting at my desk a lot. But it isn't just that. I can be up and moving around and whatnot. And if I find that too much of the energy is in the upper part of my body and in my head, the lower part of my body literally loses control over itself. So it's been very eye-opening as a person who historically has always been very comfortable in her head to see how my body speaks in really big ways. I'm as I sit here with KT tape on my low back. So guess where Adrian's been for a little bit recently.

SPEAKER_02 38:59

But that's the edge. Like, and I think we get to normalize this too, because we started this podcast talking about linear growth, right? And linear growth, sorry, it doesn't exist. Right? Growth exists in a dynamic, I would call it a spiral. It's not A to Z and we hit every you know letter in the alphabet in between. It might be A to E and back to C. It might be A to F and back to B. Like linear growth does not exist. So to expect that we are going to stay in one place for a duration of time. Like if I look at tailored well-being, my company that I dissolved a year ago in February, I had a seven-year run. For somebody to have a seven-year run that was successful is incredible. And I know there are people out there going, well, there are companies that have lasted 20 years. Okay, but per my personal design, seven years is incredible. Okay. And it was no longer in alignment with who I was. And when I woke up every morning, I dreaded going to my office. I didn't want to turn on my computer. And the last motherfucking thing I wanted to do was read another goddamn test. I could do it in my sleep. I took every certification and form of education that you could possibly imagine to learn every test that came through my door. Okay, like I could read a test 12 different ways. They all came back to the same fucking answer, but I could read a test 12 different ways. I can still do it in my sleep. And for certain people, I will based on the rapport that I have cultivated with them. But the majority of people were coming to me wanting those tests because they were so desperate for an answer that sat inside of themselves. And I couldn't participate in the lie. I didn't want to drag anybody to their own finish line. No amount of money was worth my piece. And at the end, it was an absolute fucking disaster. Because guess what? Plenty of people found me that had no desire to look inward. Well, I work and I play pickleball and I go to the gym. And when do you sleep? Well, I sleep from this time to this time. What do you eat every morning? The same fucking thing. Your body is on fire. And I'm gonna tell you your body is on fire. And I'm gonna tell you part of the reason your body is on fire is because you are giving too much to the external world and you're not spending enough in time internally, and you're gonna fight me on it and then ask for your money back. Go fuck yourself.

SPEAKER_01 41:44

Not sorry. Yeah, I've been told some of my questioning is too intrusive.

SPEAKER_02 41:49

And I'm like, But when I was showing up at that place, I was like, look, it's time for me to close this down because I'm clearly misaligned. This isn't working. I don't want to be that. I will always test you. Okay. I will always push as a practitioner. I can't go to bed at night and put my head on the pillow, keeping things that I know are going to push you forward, even though you may not like me in the moment. I can't operate that way. Right. That's how all of my mentors operate, and that's how I operate with my own clients, if you will. Right. But if I'm gonna show up and be so angsty because you and I are on such different frequencies, I'm gonna pull out, man. Because you're so committed to fighting yourself that you're gonna fight me tooth and nail. And you know, another truth here, somebody who works with 15 different practitioners and is dissatisfied with them in all ways. Like it could be one way with this practitioner and another way with this practitioner. Eventually you're gonna become, or I became the practitioner they were also dissatisfied with. I was no different because those are the types of people, and there are a lot of them walking this earth, sadly, that constantly look for a problem that exists outside of themselves because they can't bear the thought of looking at how all the problems that exist outside of themselves are a mirror reflection of what exists within them. So talk about preferences changing and desire shifting. I wanted to work with people who wanted to go to the soul level of things. I wanted to work with people who understood that there were a million things that existed outside of themselves that also contributed to their lived reality. I wanted to have conversations with people who didn't want to just hear about fucking minerals and hormones. Babe, we're talking about the fourth stage of disease, and there are three that precurse it, and you won't even touch them. How in the fuck are we ever gonna get you better in physical form if you won't touch any of the intangible and unseen?

SPEAKER_01 43:47

It's not gonna happen. I just love you enough to tell you that human to human, but fine, call me a fucking bitch and tell me I'm ineffective.

SPEAKER_02 43:56

Like, yeah, you know, but I'm saying this. I'm sharing this because I imagine there's someone, you know, listening to this who's in their own transition right now going, like, what do you mean I'm gonna burn everything I built down? I held a funeral for my fucking company. It was a grief process for me. Because not only did I burn down a I didn't burn her down, I set her to rest. I should change the way that I say this. Right. And then I had to grieve the person I was inside of it. Taking me two years of grieving her to finally get to a place where I'm like, okay, I think I feel safe enough to let the person that's wanted to come through this whole time finally make her way through. Because she's fierce and she's disruptive and she's gonna say things to you to your face, like she just said on this mic. But you know she's saying it from a place of I fucking love you. I love you as a human. But this mediocre, I'm gonna keep doing shit because it's working. The fuck that. You only got one run at this. Maybe a hundred years if you're lucky. I'm 40. I got maybe 60 years left. I ain't got time to waste. Doing dumb shit that makes me unhappy and gets you nowhere.

SPEAKER_01 45:02

Exactly. It's like I love you enough to tell you the truth. I love you enough to be real with.

SPEAKER_02 45:09

But it has to be us first. Like, I had to love myself enough to look in the mirror and go, you built something incredible and you're done, babe. And I know it's fucking scary. And I know the last thing you want to do is dissolve this business because so much of who you are is wrapped up in it. And the only way you're gonna set yourself free is to do this. The only way you're gonna find your way to the other side is to take action on the inclinations you're getting from your intuition. You gotta trust it. That hasn't been linear either. My desires have changed umpteen times in the last two years, and where I'm finally landing, I'm like, never saw this coming. Didn't see this being the final outcome, but wow, how fucking cool.

SPEAKER_01 45:55

It's funny you say that I look back over the last few years and I actually see where I was trying to be guided in a certain direction. You said no. I misinterpreted it. Okay. I think is more it. I started creating classes like five or six years ago. And at the time, I thought that the material was just beyond, and I had to create a precursor so that people actually had baseline information in order to understand what it was that I was offering. And I look at it now, okay. Obviously, hindsight's always 2020, and I go, I've always had an interest in feminine energetics. I can see it like almost all the way back at the beginning. The things that I created that didn't work out and I was disappointed in because the creation of them brought me joy. Things that I thought would, because I've always been able to see the emotional energetic side of this healing process as being far more important than solving a book of symptoms. And the more I've gone along on this part of the journey, the more I've wanted to kind of go in that direction. And, you know, even a couple of years ago, the way that I was talking to my clients had changed. And I was talking about it far more from an embodiment perspective and a where does this reflect things back to you in your life kind of conversation? So I think for me, it's, and I've always had this problem, always, where whatever it is that I'm interested in or I'm developing or I'm doing, like three or four years later, like the industry catches up with it, and then everybody's like, oh, you're just another sound healer. It's like, well, no. So it's interesting. I've been really sitting with and reflecting on, so where do I go now? Some of it is where I am in my life, some of it's where my natal chart is vis-a-vis, where we are in the timeline right now. There's lots of reasons why I'm sitting at this intersection right now. I walked through the birth portal after having my son came out a very different person on the other side of it.

SPEAKER_02 48:07

And have you made peace with the person that you became through the birth portal, though? Yes, I really like her. I just you find yourself trying to set her to the side sometimes, though, to perform in certain spaces. I'm asking that genuinely. I have does she scare you?

SPEAKER_01 48:23

No. Does she intimidate you? She doesn't scare me. I'm trying to figure out how to word it. It's more that I'm making the evolution, and some of the people that were in my practice were not ready for that evolution. And so I am struggling more with the negative feedback and the pushback that I'm getting. So where you were talking about like having the same conversations over and over again and realizing like I'm saying this out of love and that I know that this is what is standing between you and your baby or you and this health goal that you have for yourself, or all this. You weren't ready. So it's like I am changing. I like how I'm changing, but who I surrounded myself with, some of them are ready to go there with me, and others of them are not.

SPEAKER_02 49:15

Like I have a sweet little cocoon of a community. All of them have grown with me. It's the most fucking beautiful thing ever, like in their own individual ways, right? But the people, the interactions that I was talking about in particular, towards the end, they were people that just were not ready because everybody's looking for somewhere to plug their umbilical cord. We are so codependent in this world. We are so ready willing to externalize our power and our insight. It's so funny because the closer I get to my own soul, if you will, the less I'm like, yeah, let me trust them. I'm like, fuck them. I'm not trusting them. Are you kidding me? Like, there has to be a very particular feeling for me to be like, yeah, okay, I'm gonna plug into this collaboration. I'm curious if there's so much power that exists in the woman that walks through the birth portal. Because let's face it, you can be a little intimidating when you meet your real self. It's terrifying, especially if she roars in ways that we haven't before. I am comfortable with it. The rest of the people around me are not. Yeah, but does that make you uncomfortable, Adrian? At times, yeah, because it affects interpersonal relationships. But do you think that she cares about their comfort, or do you think she's there to prioritize your evolution? Understanding that as you evolve with and alongside her, people are either gonna rise up to the challenge or fall away.

SPEAKER_01 50:37

I'm in the sorting hat stage of all of that right now, because I am actually really clear on what I want, what I don't want, what it feels aligned, what doesn't, how I want to move through the world, how I want my days to flow. Like those things have become very clear. And I am in that sorting hat stage of like the frequency readjustment, right? Like I know sitting in my bed during confinement that I spent a lot of time grieving, grieving that my business was evolving. I had a lot of loss in my life during that time frame. I had a massive renegotiation of who the hell am I during that first six months after having my son? And those things are more clear. I am coming up against the dissonance of those who see the external version of me and go, well, this is the same person that has been occupying this space for the last 10 plus years, like is acting quote unquote different and is talking differently and is asking for certain things. And really what it is is I'm asking for things that I always wanted and didn't feel like I could ask for. And I'm just unwilling to compromise on having my voice heard around it. And yeah, it makes shit uncomfortable because then there's stress, right? Like you don't want the people that you love around you, whether the, you know, I love all of my practice people, you know, I love my family, I love my friendships. And some of them I've grieved the end of because they just kind of faded away. So if you haven't listened to our episode about the way that friendships break up, you know, I'd recommend going back and listening to that. But I feel like the last, I mean, my son is almost 19 months. I really feel like since he was born, there's been a complete recalibration of every aspect of my life. And it's not uncommon when you come out of the birth portal. It's not uncommon when you go through perimenopause because all the things that you've been out of integrity with, and there's been dissonance around, as your hormones change, you have less of a filter. You don't want to censor yourself, you don't have energy or desire to censor yourself. You want to, you know, there's a reason why women go on more girls' trips and their partner becomes more home and hearth in the way his hormones are changing. But hers, she wants to go back to school and finish the degree that she wasn't able to finish because she got pregnant. She wants to travel. She wants to not be stuck at home the way that she was before. And, you know, where I'm at, I'm at this weird place of is it postpartum or is it perimetopause? Because I have both happening simultaneously. Birth changed me fundamentally, but I'm also going, I have no doubt in my mind that I am perimenopausal at this point. And, you know, I have both of these things that are happening at the same time and needing to be able to advocate for my wants and needs has become an absolute non-negotiable. I cannot sleep for the good and comfort of others under the rug anymore. My body just simply won't allow it. For the good of all and harm to none.

SPEAKER_02 54:09

I say that all the time. Like I'm asking this for the good of all and harm to none. But I also think that we're witnessing a generation that was raised by women who didn't go through these rites of passage in the way that we're talking about. And we witnessed what that did to those women. You know, and I think there is a large majority of women, even if it's internalized, that are saying, not me. That's not going to be me. I'm not going to do this, you know? But I think the question I asked Adrian is a question I would ask any of you that are listening. Like the version of you that's attempting to why are you making her claw her way through, but claw her way through, right? Like, does she scare you? Does she intimidate you? Does she ask you to live a version of your life that you've dreamed of, but you're absolutely terrified to embody? And if the answer to any one of those singular questions, let alone collectively, is yes, I invitation there. You got one shot at this in this go-round. And again, I know I've iterated this on previous podcasts, and I'm going to reiterate it again. Any stone that you are placed on this planet in this iteration of your life to overturn that you choose to step on and over instead of overturn, you are picking that stone up, putting it in a bag, and carrying it on your back into your next lifetime. If it's on the menu and you don't choose from what's on the menu, pieces of the menu are going to come into your next iteration. I don't know. The thought of that makes me go, absolutely the fuck not. I want to get it all done. I want to see the next timeline, lifetime experience for what it is. I don't want to bring any of this there. I've done that before. It's why I'm traversing what I'm traversing in this lifetime. And I am disinterested in the pattern of repetition at this point. No, thank you. I don't want to carry mental illness, emotional weight, physical dysfunction and discomfort. Like, yep.

SPEAKER_01 56:03

Why would you want to do that to your future self?

SPEAKER_02 56:07

No. Do you love you enough? Yeah, but do you know you? And I think before we can even love you, you have to know you. And then you have to take all the parts of you that you've exiled and you have to bring them back to center. And there has to be a reckoning, like a reflection, a reckoning, an apology, possibly. And then there has to be an integration. And those parts are messy and hard. A lot of them, yeah. A lot of them absolutely are. You know, and this conversation could go like much deeper into, you know, soul pieces and fragmentation. And like it goes deep, guys. You probably don't understand all parts of yourself, and that's completely and utterly okay. But just know that there is support out there that wants to help you find all those fragmented pieces and bring them right back here because your life gets infinitely better. It may infinitely feel harder at first. Eight months in, I've traversed quite a few of those valleys, like peaks and valleys. But I feel like I'm finally coming to the place where everything that I have been supporting the integration of is coming all at once. And I'm like, holy shit, got it. Understand now. This is why I've done what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_01 57:21

The harder you fight it, the longer it takes. 100%. This is why I'm 19 months into this whole experience because yeah, I didn't want to let the dream die.

SPEAKER_02 57:32

New dream comes in its place, right? Like, have fun with it. Holy shit. Okay, I got to be an integrative health practitioner that owned a practice for seven and a half years, and I got to support so many brilliant women. I met the highest of high people, and I also met the ugliest fucking sides of people. Also, to those people, thank you. You taught me something about standards. You taught me something about alignment and frequency, and like my life would forever change after our interaction. And it's not fuck you, it's thank you. In the moment it was fuck you. Now it's thank you. You know, I'm sure it went both ways, you know, like, but infinitely grateful for those experiences. And now, for however long, you know, this gets to be, I get to be the person that does astrology alongside herbs, alongside soul work, alongside looking at karmic contracts. How fucking cool. It's life-changing. You know, and this is coming from somebody who spent the first 16 years of her life in a clinical practice.

SPEAKER_00 58:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 58:28

Do you actually think I would have burned that all down if I thought this was hoo-ha horseshit? No, it's only amplified the fuck out of what I did. I thought I was healthy then. Oh, babe, you have no idea. The sky's the fucking limit here. You know, so like that's like the fired up, you know, when you finally see it clearly, you're like, or you finally see the things that you brought from previous lifetime experiences that you're still holding on to, and you're like, oh my fucking god, that goes so fucking deep. Okay, we're gonna wrap that up. I paid my debt. I'm done. You know, or you witness your pattern in someone playing out like your parents or your siblings, and you go, oh fuck, I'm tracking it clearly now. Okay, we're done with that one, too. You know, like everybody talks about wanting to be healthy and wanting to be free. I don't think we really fully understand what that means because we always, always, always come back to physical form. And it goes so much deeper than that. So we're at an hour and four minutes. Hurrah. This is like so typical for Adrian and I. We're like, we're gonna do an hour. Here we are. Sorry, I'm chatty.

SPEAKER_01 59:35

That's okay. This is what this is for, though, right? Like, this is the kind of conversation from two people to you that is here for food for thought to help you grow, to push your boundaries. And we're just so grateful that you take this ride with us week after week because this is as therapeutic for us as we hope it is for you.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:01

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's interesting because I have this practice right now. It's been part of my homework with life school, with school school, with mentorship, where like I sit with my soul every morning. She got a little saucy and she's like, Yeah, the reason that you're not able to tap into your abilities as you know we call them, is because you don't have the dedication to come to me every day. And I'm like, damn, she just fucked. Who does she sound like? I come by it honestly, okay? You know, but I get these like I go in my garden every morning, and my routine is like while I'm watering my plants, I connect with her. Like it's easy for me to do. The birds are in the background, the sun is shining on my face. Like it's very meditative, like washing dishes. That's how watering the garden is for me. But there's something that I want to share with you guys as we get off. Hold on. I think I'm gonna write a book called School Sessions with the Soul. Oh, I love that. And I want to read one of the ones that she dropped for me, and maybe it'll land with you. Okay. Let's chat money. Let's chat money. You, and I imagine this is applicable to most people, you are not meant to chase money in this lifetime. Money will always make its way to you. You will always have enough, and that enough is going to grow. So my question was, why is that so hard to believe in the 3D? Like, why is that so hard to believe in like the physically manifested, you know, world that we live in? Because you've been conditioned to believe that money only comes as a byproduct of a transaction. The way you see money is entirely too linear. If you continue to stand by or we continue to stand by and create space for your reality to perpetuate that narrative, we are doing you no favors. Part of the reason you aren't in full-blown work mode right now is because of this. If you worked and are paid handsomely in response to that work, the narrative is work is the only way money will exist. And that continues to persist. That's not the point. You are in the process of learning that money is and always will find its way to you. And that doesn't necessarily mean whether you're in office or that doesn't always mean that you're going to be in office. This is how you attune your frequency. I know your quote, avatar doesn't like it, and neither does the spirit attached to that avatar, but they can endure this. And in the grand scheme of things, the amount of time you're spending without seeing that reciprocity is short, comparatively speaking, to the grand scheme of your life. Eventually you will find your way into work that will pay you in a way that you feel is an energetic reciprocity for the work that you are doing, for serving with gifts under the right circumstances and only under the right circumstances. And those circumstances are currently taking shape right now. Patience, little grasshopper. But I feel like most people like it's a transaction, it's linear. And we were talking about that earlier. Like money has to be an attunement. And where we're going, money's changing. And if we choose to see money change, relationship, reciprocity, desire through the same lens that we've always seen it through, life's gonna start to feel harder and harder and harder. Interesting to say the least. So I think that's all I got. Anything else you want to add? Nope. I feel complete. Okay. Just remember, most of you miss out on the fact that when you serve yourself, you're serving the world. You get it backwards and you mistake, you know, self-sacrifice for service, right? When indeed it is the opposite. I before we eventually lend itself to a life of service. The cup must be full to share. And on that note, until next time, guys. Stay well.