Are We There Yet?: The Teens—Staying Close, Setting Boundaries, and Letting Faith Grow

The teenage years can feel like a constant push and pull—one moment your child needs you deeply, the next they’re pushing for independence. In this episode, we explore what it looks like to stay close enough to truly know your teen—their struggles, pressures, and questions—without holding so tightly that you hinder their growth into autonomy.

We talk about the delicate shift from hands-on parenting to intentional presence, where influence matters more than control. We also dive into the role of healthy spiritual community. We take an honest look at the ways teens cope with the weight of social pressure—what they may be turning to for escape, and how parents can respond with curiosity instead of fear. This episode invites you to remain a steady, connected anchor while giving your teen the space they need to become who God created them to be.

CDC Milestone Tracker App: https://www.cdc.gov/act-early/milestones-app/index.html

BabySparks - Developmental Tracker & Online Learning for Parents: https://babysparks.com/

Harvard's Center for the Developing Child: Three Core Concepts in Early Development: https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/videos/three-core-concepts-in-early-development/

Building Social-Emotional Skills at Home: https://www.naeyc.org/our-work/families/building-social-emotional-skills-at-home

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Welcome to the Whole Person Parenting Podcast. We're here to have honest conversations about how to follow Jesus and parent kids in a whole person way. For more content and encouragement as we support you on your journey, you can find us on Instagram, YouTube, and wherever you get your podcasts. We're so glad you're here. Now let's jump in. Hey everyone, welcome back to the Whole Person Parenting Podcast. Um we're glad to have you guys here. Uh it's a good day, it's a beautiful day outside, and uh we are gonna be talking about teenagers. Um this is kind of a weird one for me because I am that's true. So we're talking about me. But today we're in our Are We There yet series, which I think I already said. Yeah, but maybe just to emphasize, we're still in it. We're still in it. We're still in it.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

You might be thinking this has been going on for a long time now.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

And we are not we also think that this has been going on for a long time. However, we do think it's necessary.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

We do, and it's I think it's been good.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

Like if there's a reason. Yeah. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

So yes, and just to recap, in case you haven't listened to the previous episodes yet, um, I like the reason behind it of journeying through development is because like God made us in this process, right? He he made us to do this process, he made us to continue to develop over time. We see this process of development happening in our Christian walk, in our physical bodies, in our relationships. Yeah, and so this is by God's design, yeah, that this is the way this works.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

And so that's why we feel like it's it's worth the time that we've put into it is because this is something that uh is uh uh supposed to be like a holy thing, it's supposed to be like set apart. Um and this this process of walking with the Lord and growing up and becoming an adult and um also just like the parent-child relationship. The fact that there is a parent. I mean, God could have just created us all out of dust, but yeah, but there's a reason that he decided to do it this way. So we believe that there's uh importance and relevance and um and that's important.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

So that's why we're doing it. That's why we're doing it. Just to recap, in case you're like brand new, um, there's lots of episodes. If you want to go back and listen, um please do that.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

But in our last episode, yeah, we did talk about teenagers, but we talked about it from a pretty surface level. Um just kind of looking at like what's happening developmentally, what what the common misconceptions around uh the high school age, middle s late middle school age is, um, and kind of what that means. And so, but today we kind of wanted to just go in with like kind of a pretty broad uh and we're just gonna talk. Um we uh we have a couple of ideas of what we want to hit, but in case this feels authentic, it's because it is because we are just going in. That's all we're all authentic for the most part. But if this one feels particularly authentic and that's a generous, nice word of it, maybe chaotic slightly. Yeah, but we just want to talk and because I mean this is the age, it is chaotic.

SPEAKER_00 3:22

It is that's what I was gonna say is like there's kind of a parallel there. There's uh you know, you never know what's gonna happen. You never know what's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 3:28

We have the same mind right now. Yeah, you never know what's gonna come out of a teenager's mouth. I never know what's gonna come out of my mouth. That's true. I always be saying those random stuff.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

So yeah, so chaotic and also just changing all the time and fluid, like all of this feels like what teenage years are like. Yeah. Um so one of the things that I want to make sure that we talk about um, because I think it is often in the forefront, if things aren't going well, if they're not following the rules, what should the rules be? When should the rules change? Should they be the same always? Like who should be in charge here, you know, for what season or what purpose? And so I think what I would like to do today is give some maybe some guidelines around that, um, some ways of thinking about it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:27

So kind of looking at uh the issues that parents face, what are some of these things that parents like I feel like commonly, what are they looking out for? What are they worried about for their teenagers?

SPEAKER_00 4:39

Well, like I I think what comes to my mind first whenever you ask me that question is sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I don't know if you guys heard this. This was like the thing that I remember hearing like as a kid myself and like as a growing up, like a teenager, yeah, like even earlier than that. I think that actually came maybe in like the 60s because rock and roll. Yeah. And so, um, and sex and drugs were a big, oh yeah, big pressing issue, like with the whole sexual revolution and everything. Yeah, not to give like a history lesson here, but it's interesting. Yeah, so that was that's what comes to my mind initially, but like at this point, I kind of think that so like um the rock and roll piece of that has been a little bit laid to rest. Like maybe we're not quite as worried about that. Yeah, or we're not as worried about it as we once were because there's something else that has been taking the lead, which we talked about quite a bit on here. And so what I would say now would be the the worries um are probably around like sex, drugs, type, different types of substances in social media. Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_01 5:47

So that's where I think um and I feel like those are the things that I as a teenager like hear the most about. Like I don't think that's like something that's just in the minds of parents. I think that that genuinely is like what most teenagers struggle with or are experiencing in their everyday lives.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

Right. And so, you know, unfortunately, it's not enough to just be like, you know, don't do that, don't engage with that, because it I think in our, you know, with with our culture, like we're becoming more and more, you know, sin sick. I mean, is how I would describe it. Like more numb to sin. And there's, yeah, there's been, I think we've got two sides going on because I I also see teenagers who have a you know heart for the Lord, and I s and you know, they're they're on that straight and narrow path. But more often I see teenagers who are who desire to have this relationship with the Lord, um, but they also are dealing with, even within the church, dealing with these like key issues. Um and so, you know, as parents, we are I I want to just be honest and say, like, this is not something that's not um, you know, relevant to parents now, even parents who were Christian parents. And that may be, you know, upsetting or scary, and it's but it's also very, very real. And so um, I think this can look like, you know, obviously, um even being sexualized at uh too early of an age. Um, so like, you know, what are we what are we looking at? What are we listening to? What are we um wearing? What are you, you know, like what is okay and what are we kind of numb to? And as parents, like, are we concerned about those things? Yeah. Um, like I think we need to be concerned about them because I think there isn't a lot of things.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

Yeah, because I think there's a real spiritual way to those things. I think too, there's like a reason that these things are are bad, not just because I don't think it's just like a cultural, like old thing that uh, you know, drugs are bad and all this stuff, but then like in our new age, those were just myths. I don't think that's true. Like I think there is a spiritual uh numbness that comes with these things, which is the exact opposite of what anyone should want. But oh yeah, I mean, in Romans, I was thinking about Romans uh seven and eight is talking about like the battle of the flesh and spirit. Um, and I don't have my usual Bible with me today, but we have the message translation. Um, so this is pretty like it's pretty, it's pretty uh blunt, but it's I mean it I feel like this is something I've experienced as a teenager is like this battle between okay, which which world are you gonna pick? And last uh last weekend we were at this uh high school retreat with our church, and I was I was helping out serving there. Um, and there was this message by one of the pastors in the church, and like this question was posed of where your home is. Like, do you feel more comfortable in the world or do you feel more comfortable uh with Jesus? Um and like I was convicted in that moment, and I was like, I feel like there's a lot of the times where I do feel more comfortable as part of the world um in in worldly things, then I feel more like I've made my home with the world instead of making my home with the Lord. Um and so I was just thinking about this, and I feel like the this is a verse that whenever I first came to the Lord uh was really impactful for me because it it made me realize the spiritual battle that I was actually in and it gave me spiritual eyes to see rather than uh just feeling like I was constantly torn. There was like this this acknowledgement that like it it's so much uh deeper than just being like, all right, am I gonna do good or am I gonna do bad? But Romans uh 7, 21 through 25 says, It happens to me so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me convertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. That's so good. Which is really interesting. Yeah, and and I think that I I I I feel like it's it's really easy to over spiritualize this um and be like, well like it's just like I'm gonna have to just be in the spirit all the time. And I I do think it there is so much like his mercies are new every morning, and that goes for both parents and teenagers. Yeah. And that's not just um no, there is grace. Yeah, there's so much grace. Um, and that's what's I think is really cool. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

Um but also holding that there is um that sin leads to death.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

And that following and le having a life in the spirit leads to more life.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

To life, yeah. And so it's not just about um Yeah, and I and I and like I there's such an illusion of the world right now, and I've experienced it over and over and over again where there's a there's a there's a uh an answer presented from the world to all my problems. If you just do this, you'll feel better. This is gonna be better. If you just do that, this is gonna be better. Yeah, and genuinely I've tried, I've tried everything. I know people who've tried other things to to try to solve their problems, and it literally nothing ever works. Yeah, but there's such an illusion. It's just it's just try this, it'll be better.

SPEAKER_00 12:11

This will be better. Yeah, yeah. And I think about um, you know, you talked about a little bit ago, you said something about spiritual numbness, and I was just thinking about how, you know, sexual things, whether that's actual sex, because I think that was the big scare a long time ago, was like, don't have sex, and it was all about pregnancy. Um, and now it's about like consuming your your eyes and your mind with sexual sin and um lustful things, and and so like it's not even just about sex with a person, it's like all this access.

SPEAKER_01 12:48

Most of the time that I when I hear it too, again, like as a teenager, it's like you don't want to have to tell your husband or you don't want to have to tell your wife in five years this is what I did.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

Yeah, but that's really I mean, it that is true, like that's true, that is possible, but what we know already about development is that's in the that's not really in the forefront of your teenager's mind. Not that it's not a good thing to say, and it is something that they need to think about, but your 13-year-old is probably not thinking about that. They're really thinking in the moment. Yeah, and so like this is I think why development is important. What what really the bigger question is when you go to that sexual sin or when you go to substances, like if what you're looking for in that is to somehow escape something else, okay, what's the something else that you're trying to escape? When you go to social media for your for approval, for um attention, for um like escapism, or you go to your video games for escapism or whatever, like what are you needing to escape from? Because that doesn't sound that sounds like you're needing to escape from the consequences of um maybe sinful patterns and maybe not living fully in what God has to offer. Yeah, because we don't need to escape from from from real life, we don't need to escape from the life that God has on offer from us.

SPEAKER_01 14:11

Well, because if you're if you're actually believing that God has something better, like this boils down to to someone having their own faith and being able to believe, yeah, I know my God, I know what he's done, and I know what he will do, and I know that he has a better plan for me than what it is now. Right. And so I think it takes a level of being able to understand God's character and know uh, you know, that the plans he has for you are good in order to get out of those uh those patterns, those patterns, yeah, of trying to numb and escape something that some kind of emotional pain or uh experience that is painful or overwhelming.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

Um so I think, you know, thinking about like that's thing making me think about how mental health like plays into that, like knowing your child and and how they're doing. Like we've talked about how they feel so driven toward um their peers in this age. And so we've talked too about like there being a sense of potential rejection from our children or teenagers whenever they hit this season. And then you may be thinking about like your own teenage experience and like, well, I just want to be with my friends. They're just gonna want to be with their friends. And then sometimes that can mean that we kind of check out as parents or disengage or believe that we don't, but they don't want to hear anything from us, so we just disconnect. Yeah, yeah. We stay quiet, we disconnect whenever really we need to stay connected enough to be able to recognize, you know, where are the where are the struggles, right? Like, and to be persistent in that. And even if they're like, I don't want to, I don't want to talk about it, you know, right? Okay, well, coming back and being like, okay, I know you said you don't want to talk about this, but I'm noticing these things and I would really want, I really want to be here for you. And so it's it's that um, it's still that level of attunement that we that we know is important even from infancy of like what is it that you're where is your need? What is the need that you have? Yeah. Let me meet you there at your need.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

Yeah, and that I feel like that goes back to being able to sit with sit with people in their grief or in their in their struggle and their anxiety. And I feel like this is something that you did really well with me. Um, because like I struggled a lot with depression and anxiety, and like I remember being really thankful that I had someone to just sit with me in that and not feel like I was being rushed or trying to get fixed, if that makes sense. That I was just able to be sad. And I feel like in the long run, that made me you know desire to be able to to do better. So like maybe maybe let's go back to the like the sex drug social media conversation. What does this mean for for parents? Like, what is this like we're acknowledging that like okay, there's something about the world that's really That's giving you an option, like there's an option here.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

I mean, I think it's but like we can't but teenagers can't live off of their parents' faith forever. No, no, they can't, and they shouldn't. We don't want that. I mean, they we want them to and I think most parents, most Christian parents, that is a huge concern. Yeah. Um, but it's like how do we how do we do that?

SPEAKER_01 17:36

Because what you guys have experienced the real life that Jesus provides, and of course you're gonna want that for the person that you love most, isn't your children.

SPEAKER_00 17:44

Yeah, you want that, or maybe maybe even it's like generational, like we've always been Christian. And so I think there's there are I think there are boundaries that we need to put in place. You know, I think that um we need to have boundaries as a family, like prioritizing Christian community, I think is huge. Um, if you don't do that, then wherever you're wherever your child's finding community, that's where they're gonna continue to find community. Yeah, for sure. That's not likely to change as they become an adult. So um now kids, you know, teenagers, uh, young adults, they have the choice. They they do have free will, they do have choice, and that's God given. God highly values that. And so He allows everyone to make those decisions, and you can't control that for your child. Um, and during the teenage years, they want to be so autonomous. Like you need to allow for um them to choose that, but always pointing them back to Jesus, like always pointing them back to prayer, pointing them back to the word, pointing them back to how God's been there and been faithful for you, like being willing to have those kinds of conversations, the struggles that maybe that you've gone through, but the but that God's brought you out of. Um, and and I think in in that way, encouraging them in the faith that you have found and the faith that you live out of, um, and the relationship that you live out of with God, but um also encouraging them to develop their own without stuffing it down their throats, you know. Um and having expectations. I mean, it's not that it's not like we're I'm like, oh yeah, just let them go out there and discover and then you know, be a good witness, and then that's that. No, we need to be, we need to be parents who put in in place boundaries because that is um that's loving. It is loving, it's for their protection. But I would say that, you know, for me, and I I know not this is not just there's not only one way to parent, but I would say for me, um, I think focusing around like what is safe or what is not safe was really important, and a lot more of that than you doing what I want. Right. Um me saying, okay, I'm you have a lot of free range, but this isn't this this isn't safe. If you do this, this is the possible consequence.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

Yeah. And for us, those consequences typically looked like you know, grounded from your phone, grounded from spending time with friends. Um, if you know, there was a boundary cost with that, uh, times where we weren't like if me and Brain weren't communicating with you guys very well on like where we were, or things like that, that might have led to like more restriction. More restriction.

SPEAKER_00 20:49

Yeah, like this constant the way that I've always visualized it, even just in my own parenting of teenagers, is just like I'm letting out the rope. Like we're still attached here, I'm still responsible for you. I'm letting out the rope. I'm gonna see how this goes. But if you can't handle it, the rope is a little bit more. Then rope's gonna get short, shorter.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

Shorter again, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:08

And so I'm all for letting the rope out. Yeah. Um, but but also recognizing when it failed. Our pastor says um he when he talks about his uh teenage boys, he would all he always says, uh trust but verify. And uh like verify understand that your your teenager is wonderful as they are, they're still just a person, they're human, they're a teenager, and they might make bad decisions. And so we gotta trust if they've earned it, whatever to whatever degree that they've that they have earned your trust. Um, but then make sure that they're they're still trustworthy at the same time. Like verify that people are.

SPEAKER_01 21:59

I think that's where. Yeah. Um, I like that.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

Yeah. And it's I mean, it's hard. It's a tough, it's a tough decision to make because you're always balancing the need to prepare uh prepare them to like go and launch out in the world, um, and holding in mind that they could they could do something that's I I know I know several people who who their rope was held too tight for too long.

SPEAKER_01 22:25

Um and they got to you know college or out in the real world and were completely a lost, like just did not understand how to navigate how to navigate the world. Yeah. Um being able to be set apart within the world, right? Is like the goal, I feel like, in in instilling uh what's it like to live as a Christian, yeah. What it's like to live in a Christian, like not just trying to shelter them from the harsh realities. Because that's not helpful that's honestly not as helpful as yeah, it's a balance.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

It's a balance for sure. Um and I think different parents feel differently about you know how to do how to do that. And I don't but I'd say I'd say that for for one child, it might mean that they start learning that and they go to public school all the way through. And for another child, it might mean that they are not safe enough in that setting. And so they gotta go into a private Christian school or they need to be homeschooled, or you know, it's it depends on the child, but I think this is where that attunement comes in, and and there's a saying that I that I have I learned years ago and have kind of stuck with, and I may have said on the podcast before, but it's that being fair is not giving everyone the same thing, it's giving everyone each person what they need, and so it's not um, you know, it may not look the same from one child to the next, uh, but I mean, developmentally we know what's going on, but there can be some kids that are a little a little farther along in some areas, and you can let that you can let that rope out quite a bit, and then there may be uh another child that you have that you've got to keep them pretty close because otherwise it's just not gonna be safe for them. And so I would say framing it in terms of like what is safe and life-giving versus what is um potentially harmful.

SPEAKER_01 24:28

Yeah, I think that's really good.

SPEAKER_00 24:29

Is a is a basic way to frame that. Yeah, yeah. So all right. Do you feel like that's about a wrap? Anything else on your mind?

SPEAKER_01 24:42

I mean I mean, I had a verse come to mind earlier, and I guess I'll just read it. Okay. Um I don't even know necessarily what it's for, but um I was just thinking about this this uh this journey of of uh parenting and uh specifically teenage years, and this was a verse that was shared to me by someone um as I was preparing for a mission trip a couple years ago. Um but it's talking about it's the it's a conversation between Moses and God before God reveals himself to Moses, um where Moses is kind of just arguing with the Lord about uh what it means for his next steps and and what this this is this journey is gonna look like. Um and again, this is the message translation, so it's a little strange, but um Moses basically says to the God says to God, he says, Look, you tell me, lead this people, but you don't but you don't let me know whom you're gonna send with me. You tell me I know you well and you're special to me. If I'm so special to me, let me in on your plans. That way I will continue being special to you. Don't forget this is your people and your responsibility. God responds, My presence will go with you, I'll see the journey to the end. Moses said, If your presence doesn't take the lead here, call this trip off right now. How else will it be known that you're with me in this, with me and your people? Are you traveling with us or not? How else will we know that we're special, I and your people, among all other people on this planet earth? God says to Moses, All right, just as you say, this also I will do, for I know you well and you are special to me. I know you by name. And so I was just thinking about like for one, that the presence of the Lord goes before us, yeah, um, and prepares the way, um, and then also that we are special and known by him. Um, and that includes uh, you know, parents and kids. Yeah. Um, and I don't even know what to say more about that. I just felt like that verse was uh really encouraging, but also I feel like really real with the doubt of of believing is God gonna be with me in this? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 27:05

Yeah, and I I mean what's interesting there too to me what stands out is um is about how Moses is saying like these are your like this is your this is your responsibility, you know, you're supposed to be doing these things, um, and this like this it's like this uh this like he's the first father.

SPEAKER_01 27:24

Yeah, he is the first father. He has he does have the responsibility for us. Ultimately he's the one that gave us life and he's the one that'll take it when it's time, right?

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Uh so ultimately, yes, it but it I I love how he's saying like let me I wanna I wanna say like you are you are responsible in it, but I think it's a way of like putting it back in God's hands. Yeah, which is really what we have to do. I mean, whenever whenever your teenager goes on an out-of-town trip, you know, the first time with their school, or the first time or they go to retreat, like what you're talking about, or the first time that they pull out of that driveway and drive off by themselves and they're in a vehicle by themselves. I remember you took a video of me. I took a video of both of you. And um, and just that that like tug on your heart about like, oh gosh, like this is scary, and God please keep them, you know, safe and watch over them as they go and help them not to hurt themselves or someone else. And that's him. Yeah. And but putting it back in his hands, and it's that it's that gradual process that's gonna allow you eventually to be like, okay, and now they're out of my house and they're still in your hands. And I don't have to be that's good. They're out of my house for still in your hands. Yeah, absolutely. And I don't have to be frantic and worried about anything because I know that you have them, you've been having them. I've done this over time with you, and we've partnered together through raising these kids. Um, yeah. That's so good. Yeah. Okay. Well, good, good con though. Hopefully this is helpful. Hopefully that was helpful.

SPEAKER_01 29:06

Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah. So yeah, we've got, I believe, one more episode. Yeah, I think one more episode of the case. One more episode of the series. So we'll be talking about uh adults. Yeah, young adults that are out of their parents' house, how to parent still be a parent to someone who's not a kid. Yep, exactly. Not an adult, not in your house. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

Yeah. Or an adult, not in your house. Not in your house, yes. So yeah. All right. Thanks so much for listening. Yeah, we'll see you next time. Um anything else? Any final words, Press? Adios. Adios, amigos. Bye.