Tentative Restart & Pig Cafe

Nina & monkey warm up to the idea of a second season, and reminisce an ill advised piece of tourism.

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

Testing testing one, two, three. This is just a quickie for you and me. Right here we are. We're setting out to do a quickie, just a little quick one, just to say we're alive, you know I'm alive as much as I other will be. Um we haven't done a podcast in a good long time. And that's because there are things about it that really shit me. Nina and Monkey are chewing the fat and shooting the shit till it's dead. Okay, don't hold back. I mean setting up the camera shits me. And needing the mistake of saying that you could watch these, you know. Well, it wasn't a mistake, I think it was maybe a good idea. Well, there wasn't a huge uptake, and it turned out people do prefer to listen than to watch, which I actually find very pleasing because uh there's a long-standing joke, venture to put them on the radio. That doesn't sound very good, that kind of shit. Yeah. I mean everybody makes that joke, and and actually you are one of them. I am every time you go on the radio, you go, well, this won't work. I know, but that's disingenuous because I think it's to do with what gets said. So I take that as a big um as a big vote of confidence in our podcast, actually, monkey. Yeah, me too, me too. They weren't just in it for my good looks. No, they weren't. So uh they were in it for my intellect. Fair enough, monkey. They were in it for my hardcore mind ability. Exactly. Don't care what you look like, they don't care. They don't give a shit. They don't want to see. In fact, they might be horrified. Okay, I've worked out how not to take this little concliment. The reason they don't want to see us is not because it's so good without seeing us, it's because God forbid I'd have to look at this. Anyway, either way, the point is we'd like to do the podcast, but it's the camera and Nina is so intent on not doing it, you know, with producers and all that. Well, I'm not really. I've been actually thinking that might be kind of good. But um as it is just me and it it and me, I am here. Uh I think that doing it just like you know, the the audio recording with the occasional video. Yeah, but without promising like the whole thing on video, I think that would make it more doable. I think that would give it longer legs, and don't we all wish for the longest legs possible? I mean you might. I do. Two inches. Two inches. Look at that. Well they can't. That's the whole point of what we're saying. Well, I'm lifting my foot up at this point to show you the the length of my leg. It's about as long as my middle finger, I think, from from from stern to stern, from groin to toe. That old metric. Um or do you call it the the the toin or the grow? The the the length the length from the groin to the toe, do you call that your your grow or do you call it your toin? You call it whatever you want, monkey. I'm gonna call it my toe.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

No, you can't call it toe, monkey. That already exists. Oh I wanna call it my my groto. Groto?

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Hmm needs work. I'm gonna call it my groin. No, that already exists, so it needs to be a new word, a combo, preferably. Groin to toe, the groy, the groy the groy to the gro anyway, it's about three inches long.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

Uh what were we talking about, long legs anyway? Because you want the podcast to have longer legs and you feel that setting up the camera is preventing that from happening because you think you think because you're lazy, because you're what are you doing? I don't know, turning on myself upside down for fresh perspective. Now I'm sitting on the mic. Now this looks really good, and Nina, you can move your mouth while I do this. Oh fuck yeah, can you hear how well I pronounce everything now? That's because she's cheating. Well, I could cheat, you see, if we stop videoing it. No, you wouldn't. You're too why are you putting your glasses on upside down? I didn't mean to. I don't cheat for your information when we do this. I always do do the ventriloquism to the best of her potential ability. I mean it's not faultless. No. My my lips do move. My lips do move. There was a ventriloquist called Edgar Bergen, who was on the radio for years. And there was another one um who had Charlie McCarthy, not Peter Bruff and Archie Andrews. Who had Charlie McCarthy? Oh no, that was Edgar Bergen. Anyway, these old vents of the radio, they had hawkery lips. Yes, they did. They moved a lot, apparently, and when they went back to TV or to TV for the first time, everyone was like, Your lips moving. And that was the end of their careers. Well it wasn't really. I've said it before and I'll say it again. The main thing about ventriloquism is not your mouth. A little heart of it. It's your puppet. Thank you. I believe that to be true as well. I do however have a new computer and this video is actually looking better quality than what we've done ever before, Monkey. So maybe we could do the video. No, I I want to tell everyone who subscribed for the video to unsubscribe. Just forget about it. You know you're you're very welcome to support us. You're very welcome to continue to support us in all our enterprises. But I don't think that we are able to stay true on our promise to do a weekly video on YouTube. She just hasn't got the the organizing capability. But I think if it was just a chat, I think we maybe could do it weekly. I think so. Um so that was really what the message was. It's just a little one. It's just a short one this week. This year. This is the first one we've done of 2026. It sure is. Fuck yeah. Tiny, twenty six. Twenty twenty twenty twenty twenty twenty-six. A yeah. Great song, monk. Great song. Thank you. Did you get the lyrics? Did you write them down? I don't want to forget them. I think it was A. Yeah, that was it. And then how did it end? You went hey yeah. That's it. Write that down. I don't want to forget that. That's good shit. Um we've missed doing this, so here we are, we're doing it again. A little one. Why do you keep saying it's a little one? I could do a long one. I'm just not ready to do a long one. Why, what are you doing? I don't know, I just hadn't planned. I thought I was just doing a little message, you know, just put a little message out to say hello, we're live, we're sorry about that. Don't forget to unsubscribe ascribe. God, what happened there? Did you cong on your own rough? Don't forget to unsubscribe if you are subscribed to the videos, because we stay subscribed by all means. But we might not do what we said we would do anymore. You see what I mean? Statute of whatever that is. Broken Chromises for a podcast. You hear that creaky chair? It's not a chair, that's why. It's a it's a box. It's a box covered in stickers. It's a very I'm sitting on a box. She doesn't have a chair in her office. Can you believe that? Moscow has a chair. And that flicking noise that you can hear now, that is one of the stickers unpeeling. But every time we go anywhere new we try to get a sticker. We're not really into that in the UK. We don't find a lot of stickers in the UK. No. Occasionally, Seventh Sisters down near Brighton while you went swinging. You sound horn in the local shop uh Yes I did. Monkey find a sticker there. But I mean, like you go somewhere in America there's always a sticker, every museum, every everything. Anyway, monkey is started moving. It's because I'm so awed. When I get boring, monkey starts moving, I get fidgety. And it's funny 'cause that's me doing that. Yes, you're doing your you're already out of it. You might still be talking, but that is no one home. The lights are out. I mean they're on and there's no one home. Have you had a nice week? Delicious week, thank you. What's made it so delicious for you? Well we started doing this uh monthly gig at the Leicester Square Theatre. It's called Nina Conti and Friends. I think you're renaming it uh Nina's Conti Cagare.

SPEAKER_00 9:19

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

But I'm worried that will put people off. It's got a ring to it though, Nina's Conti Cagare. We call it Nina's Conti Cabaret. What was it? S Acostrophe S Nina's Conti. Nina's Conti Cabaret, yeah. Wait, hang on, that doesn't make sense. But it's still got a ring to it. Nina's Conti Cagare doesn't. Nina's Conti Cagare doesn't. Well you can pronounce it with a little bit of uh free liberty. I'm gonna call it Nina's Conticabare or what do you think? Nina's Conti Caca Cagare Cagare Nina's Conti Cagare Nina's Conti Cagare. I can't call it that like it's too offensive. I can't print it. You could use an asterisk. No. I will use an asterisk. Anyway, I'm doing that monthly at the Leicester Square Theatre and it's not called that there, it's called Nina Conti and Friends. Nina's Conti Friends. That's not bad. Nina's Conti Friends. Oh I don't mind that. Nina's Conti Friends? That's not so good. I know listen, we all want it to say Conti, but what that's not, you know, it's not advisable. With an asterisk, it could be an old or an I. You mean a U? Oh yeah shit, I can't well. Yeah, with an asterisk it could be anything. Well just do that then. Okay. You might have solved it. I think I have. Anyway, and I do lots of bits, and so do I, Monkeys There, and um I do and then I do bits with the masks, and then we have guests on who I love. And so there's usually three other acts and it's a good night out. It's a really good night out, I will say that. The Leicester Square Theatre. It's two halves, uh three other acts, and me a monkey, and me and my masks. And anything goes, it's uh it's a hot night. It's a wretchedly exciting night. It's a good night. So the there's another one freshly on sale that you could get tickets to if you wanted to. Now I'm lit holding up a little you just got a little halo kitty pen. What are you, nine? I found this you didn't find it. I bought it in Japan, you know, went to Tokyo. I went to Tokyo uh round about Christmas just after we finished recording. She went to a pig cafe. I don't know how I felt about that. It was a bit much actually. Why did you go? I mean the the clue is in the title. It's a pig cafe, and I was I was pretty um intrigued, you know. You're a vegetarian. Well, it wasn't to eat, thankfully, pig at least as far as I know. And cafe, I mean, I don't think they quite deserved that word. It there was a fridge at the back and you could pick your drink. Uh maybe it was more cafe for the pigs. They gave you a little bowl of wilted lettuce. You know, so some lettuce and stuff. Was it lettuce or was it I don't know. Anyway, but there was a very sweet little piglet. Um you know, you could see it through the window actually, a very, very sweet one. Yeah, that's not what you got though. They lure you in with a sweet little piglet, and then they send in the hogs. Well, we sat down and suddenly these big, much bigger ones came in, absolutely fucking mindless, these guys. You know, they really were. They were quite big, trotters, trotters galore, trotters all the way up, right up the cunt they went, didn't they? Monkey, enough of that. They did, they went right up your county caggaro. Sorry, monkey quick, could you please leave that out? They did, they zoned in, they went right and snout up the snatch. Monkey, they did. Well anyway, these these hogs were a little bit more than I expected, to put it bluntly. Um so it was and it was frenetic, and and it was it was like a pig whorehouse, little bit, because there were these little booths and everyone had they got their pigs sent in. It was a brothel for pigs. And um, but they were very sweet. But I don't know about doing that with animals, renting them like it make must make them mad, or they were a little unhinged. It it was it was frightening. But they were very sweet, you know, they fell asleep um quite quickly on my son's lap, which was really adorable. They they liked him, they liked him. He he had the the best thigh. Um and uh and they were lovely, but I felt uh somewhat um wha how do you say what did I feel? You felt grotty. I felt a bit grotty afterwards for having paid for something that just feels morally dubious. I felt bad for the pigs. Yeah, I felt bad for the pigs. Um yeah. Yeah, I don't know about that. Yeah, I don't think you're going there again. Anyway, same day I went to a shop and when I was a little I loved Hello Kitty. I was mad about Hello Kitty. I I I wonder what it is. I don't know what it is. It's very girly, very girly, Nina. Um I don't know, but her face still rings a bell in my childhood heart of oh oh Hello Kitty stuff. Oh back in the 70s you couldn't get that much of it. No, you know, it's like hi. Hi, what do you call it? You've forgotten the word. I can only think of booty, but that's not really what I mean. It was hi. What do you call it when something is sub underground? No, that's what I mean. What a fugitive no, not fugitive. Anyway, it was what's that word? Hard to get, it was hard to get in the 70s. Um con something? Nina, don't waste my time trying to find a word, you'll be here all night. What's it called? Anyway, so I bought this big pen and it's a very skinny tip, and I've been enjoying writing with this little hello kitty pen. Oh that went nowhere that story after all that lead in, that long search for a word that never came. Count of fugge that's not a word count. You guys know. You guys who are listening know the word I want, don't you? You know, we can't hear you. You can write in and fill in this hole of Nina's Swiss cheese mind. Anyway, I'll stop holding up that pen. Because as I said, this is now first and foremost, although I think there might be some video. First and foremost, this is going to be verbal. This is audio. This is audio. This is the ASLR of monkey world. That's me on the this is for your ears now. That's me in your ears. That's what this is. Um and you can just take it as red that her lips aren't moving. They aren't moving. I can see myself actually. I'm looking at myself. Are really not. That's still. That's fucking still. She can do it, she can still do it. I can still do it. Look, they're so still, you wouldn't know you were talking. You wouldn't, would you? No. No, you've learnt that. At least you've learnt that much. I do get carried away when I've got all the people with the masks and their faces and running around though. Not sure. Sometimes turn my back to the crowd. Hee hee. Sneaky tricks of the trade. Yeah, sometimes you turn my back and you know let 'em flap. Turn your back and let them flap. Yes, thank you for that little song. At Nina's Conti Kagare. Turn your back and let them flap. At Nina's Conti Kagare. But don't turn your back and don't let them flap at the Japanese kid cafe. Um right, thanks everyone. That was it. That was it. It was a short one, but it was a true one. I'm not editing it either. Oh what a joy. I'm just gonna ping it out there. You're just gonna fuck it out there into the world. Love you guys, have missed you, and um hopefully we're back now. Hopefully we're back. Lots of love. Bye bye.