Popapoint Pencil

Nina and Monkey discuss auditory hallucination, the Fly,  popapoint pencils and the Victor Meldrew personality type. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Here we are. Well, how are we this week? Oh, we're okay, thank you, Nina. How are you? Pretty good. We did a gig last night. We did. We went to um we did the Leicester Square, Nina Contian Friends. Friends. Fri Nina Contian friends. Well, they are so far, everybody. Friends. Are you not gonna let anyone in who isn't your little friend and your little clique? Sorry for all the extra noise. I'm just moving wires around. Uh no, uh maybe I'll make new friends. Is that what this is all about? I feel nervous that we talked about this last week. It's so difficult to remember what you talked about last week. Yes it is. It's very difficult to remember what I even did this morning. Nina and Monkey are chewing the fat and shooting the shit till it's dead. This morning I think I got transferred from the small gigging bag into your office. I think that's all that happened to me. Yes, I was underneath your makeup bag, which is extraordinarily heavy, might I add. Really, yes, it was on top of me. And I uh well I moved you from there, yeah. Could you please get rid of some of the shit in your makeup bag? Uh I don't know. I feel like I might need all of it. Can I just list some of the items? You've got a little travel bottle of moisturizer in there. Now do you use that? Yes, I do use that. Do you use the dusting sort of powder that you put in your hair to give it volume? Do you need that? Yeah, I need that. Do you need three separate types of foundation? Yes, because I change colour all the time and I need to make different combinations of it. Jesus Christ, we've got to get rid of some of this shit. Do you need six eye pencils? No, I don't, but that's not gonna make much difference to the weight. It's not. How many lipsticks do you need? I don't have many. It's not a huge makeup hag, it's fucking heavy. It's never gonna get through at the air courts, gonna have to go on the hold. I like the hand luggage. A monkey always travels in the hand luggage. I have that privilege after that dischicable time in Ireland when I got lost. I know it's not it's not segue into that old story. Um Ryan. Never mind Stansted fucking nightmare. Stansted the worst error. You can't get out of it. Monkey, you're turning into Victor Meldrew. Who the fuck is Victor Meldrew? It was a funny sitcom that was on back in the day. Um sort of grumpy man who wrote letters to the local council. You nearly did that this week. I did, but I'm not I don't want to become that. I don't want to become that. It's just being a good citizen. No, I'm not doing it. I can't I I am cross about something locally. It's a fucking disaster what they've done to the road. They've made very weird roads in my area that nobody recognises the system. You got to go, we're going in, are we leaning in? Well, just describe it quickly because we've started it now. It's it's like the road. If you imagine a side road, I'm losing the will to live, coming up to a larger road. Nina, this is I think like this is a new low. You can join the larger road, okay. There's now a sort of lifted segment of pavement first before the bicycle lane. Yeah. And that isn't unclear if that's pavement or not. It doesn't look shame as a pavement. It's got different paving stones, so it looks a bit different. It looks pedestrian-ish, and yet it isn't a zebra crossing. And it isn't a zebra crossing, so it's really unclear who's right of way. It's just like the road's gone, and now you're in no man's land, and then there's a bicycle lane, and then there's the road that the cars are coming on, and and you don't know what you're gonna do. You have to dodge everyone before you can even see if it's safe to join the road. Now, you've just exhausted everyone's patience, Nina, instead of writing the letters to the council. It's just who do you write to? I hate things like that. I'm so bad at things like that. You you'll pay any sign just to avoid writing a letter. I mean, I feel like anyway, this is boring, isn't it? I I couldn't be more ashamed. This is your the most shame as a self. Yeah, bringing this kind of petty crap into you know, life's bigger than this god, isn't it? Think of the universe, think of the stars, think of the absolute fucking keys of luck to be here in the first place. The extraordinary luck of existence. I can't, you know, I I I am ashamed to talk about gripes with the pavement. And yet here we are, we do have to look after our surroundings. No monkey, don't go down there. Let's just stay in awe, shall we? I can't stay in a permanent state of awe, Nina. Well we should. I think we should. If you think about the present moment enough for even a second, or there's nothing there's nothing else for it. But if I get overawed, I I forget what to say. I mean it renders everything meaningless. I don't really think why are you fiddling? You're always fiddling with something. What do you got here? Kick touch and contact lenses. Yes, don't fiddle with them. Sorry, I'll put them down. Stop fiddling around. This is all. Okay. So you're gonna write a letter? No, I'm not gonna write a letter. So what are you gonna do instead? Join a retreat. No, I'm not. I'm I'm I might go on a treat, actually. Did I mention that? Nina's cooked in. She's doing a silent retreat. Pretty excited about it. Thought of being silent. Oh, can you imagine? I'd love that. Imagine if I I could just stay quiet. Because I only am awake when I'm talking. It's true. I never just on quietly, just doing my thing, looking around. Whenever you put me on, it's to make me talk. Uh-huh. I I do realise that. So I don't get any non-talking time. What if I want to just be alive, cruciate a flower, that kind of thing? I've always got to be chit-chatting, keep the chat coming, keep the chat coming, unke you're on, you're on. The hands in your ass, you've got to keep the chat coming, keep it thick and fast. Don't be quiet, don't have hung on to yourself, just keep funny, keep fucking, keep the funny count high, keep the funny count high. Can you imagine the stress of being me? It's really it's quite something something else. Um but oh yeah. Are you gonna take me on the silent retreat? I don't think so. I don't think so. You might just want to cook me on, look at me, start yourself going mad. How long are you not talking for? Five days, six days? It's not for ages anyway, it's ages away. Is it ages away? Yeah, it's nowhere near. Um but yeah. And I did go to another cacao ceremony. Oh what's that? It's just meori about your mental health. I mean, it was fun. It was fun. I mean, there was a moment. I'm not going there. You're not going there. No, I'm not going there. Nope, as useful, it was nice. It was cacao. It's delicious. Kacao. Um so what else? I love your screen shaver, by the way. It's absolutely fucking gorgeous. Isn't that Sequoia? That's a Sequoia forest, isn't it? It's sort of misty around the base of the trees and the ferns. Oh, it's lovely. Oh no, oh huge Sequoia. A tree that old. That truly is a majestic thing. Mm-hmm. That could chryside ore. Oh my gosh, see a tree that old. Young tree's pretty nice. Planting time, isn't it? Yeah, you've got to get your tomatoes in. I haven't uh I didn't make any vegetables last year, but I want to do it this year. What I love is when you put the seed in the soil. What are you talking? What kind of seed? Like a little tomato seed or something. And then there's a waiting period, two weeks. Not really. I just spray it with a little, you know, squusher. That's not the technical term, is it a squisher? And then when it comes, isn't that a lovely thing? And it's that time of year. It's time to sush your seeds. Seed sushing time. Yeah. What do you can do? Tomatoes, peas. I love doing fresh peas. You can do some corgettes. They take up a lot of space. The problem is I don't have a garden, I have a roof, I have a bit of roof, and uh that's where I have to do it, so things have to be very hardy to the wind. It's hard to know what to grow up there. A lot of things perish. I mean, you've been very anxious in the past. I don't know if I ever told you what happened to my corn, or it was fucking horrendous. I tried to make corn. That wasn't that didn't go well. There were three corn kernels on the corn. They looked horrible. They looked like a you know a witch's wart. And they it was worse than none. None would have been better, but three, it was just like And there've been some other things. Oh the tomatoes, they were horrendous, huge dark, black, kind of cancerous catches. It was terrible. Anyway, but peas have always been very nice. What is this gardener's world all of a sudden? Jesus Christ. You can't just slag off every topic. I mean, yeah, I know, we were a bit boring about the road before. The question, okay, let's let's just lean into the thing. At what point where when do you go with the flow? I'm asking you this, monkey. I always go with the flow. I don't have any any alternative. I don't have any volition. But do you go do you just let things slide or do you fight for them? Well you got it and work out where you are on that spectrum. I think you're quite far down the let things slide spectrum. I am because I don't like getting too het up. So I have to avoid it. Where's your fight? Where would society be if it was less to you? Well I leave that to people who are a bit better at it. You know, I'm I'm not um an activist really. I'm a I'm a let thing slide. That is not that's not taking responsibility, Nina, I don't think. I think you've got to get a little more involved. Well, I spend a lot of time agonizing that I'm not more involved, that's her sure. But agonizing isn't gonna help the world. Listen I provide my bit which is is I do like funny stuff on the fringes, monkey. That's that's my job, you know, that's what that's what I can do. How is it usual? Or we must never worry about that, but if people keep coming, then it must be of some use, one would hope. Okay, okay. I can see we're having an existential crisis, so I'm gonna let you off the hook on that one. I mean it is it's always worried. Anyway, you've got to be in a teacher. I mean I've got to be in anything, monkey. I'm a ventriloquist. I made my bed and now you've got a lie in your ventriloquus ox. Yes, which I can't pronounce. And there we are. And that is the sad irony. Can you imagine like your gravestone? Oh god, we've gone dark now. You should have some little sounds originating from it. I think that would be fitting. What light just going, let me out, let me out. I don't know if places let you do that. Let me out, that'd be good. No, that was not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. Do you did you see what happened there? I did. We met in the middle. We did. My voice got too close to yours. I opened my mouth and yours at the same time. I think that's what happened. What do we call that? We call that integration. Integration. It's a frightening thought, isn't it? Like the fly. If I went into the fly machine. Yeah, and then you're a huge arsehole. Monkey. That's what it'd happen. I'd come out with long hair and a tight ash, and you'd have a huge arsehole.

SPEAKER_00 13:51

Monkey! Oh, I'm sorry, everybody. Don't put the grapes on, go with it.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

What else? Why would have the little floppy arms? You'd have the sloppy arms and the whole huge handhole. Thank you for calling it a handhole. And then you'd have velcro on your hands. I don't think I would like that. And how so what does that leave you with? Just normal human legs and uh I've got your hair. What else have you got? Oh, your tit. Hum monkey. Mm-hmm. I'll take those. No, monkey. I think of you as a male monkey. Yeah, I've got I'll have the tits if they're going spare. They're not going spare. I'm gonna need them if I've got a huge handhole. I've just anyway. Okay. What will happen to this double beast? I don't know. Was there a double beast? What happened to the fly? He went in, he flew in the chamber. Yeah. And they closed. Well, I should probably give context. People might not know about the fly. That's a film. There was a well there was one in black and white millions of years ago. Jeff Goldblum is the one I remember. There was one with Jeff Goldblum, and he's, I don't know, what is he a scientist? He's trying to work out how how to dematerialize something and make it appear elsewhere. I think that's the tranguish. So you should go in the chamber, you get broken down into your many conconant carts every atom, and then what what they kind of fizz around and then they get sent elsewhere and you get re-guilt from scratch. But fly got in. And that's so but he turned into the fly sort of slowly, as it just sort of entered his DNA. I don't think I've got any DNA in this thought expergant. No, but you have matter. I mean yeah. I got little margul eyes, you look freaky or some nargle eyes, aren't you? Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, listen, I mean, starting to convince me now that this is a good idea for a horror film that we should make. Uh but with you not being a living thing, I I guess that's a little problem. Well we could I think we should remake the film magic, you know, with Anthony Hopkins or I tell you to murder people.

unknown 16:27

You know you're gonna go murder lady upstairs.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

There isn't a lady upstairs. I know I didn't want to say an actual person, so I could have defended there's a lady upstairs. I've already said I have a a roof where I grow vegetables, so who's this lady upstairs? She above the roof spoiling everything. You could have gone murder Kears Darmer. I'm not interested in murdering Keir Starmer. I would have murdered the other one then. No, I'm not murdering anyone. Go on, can't do it. No I'm not murdering Kirstarma. Which is the only name I could think of at that time. Um I gotta think of a better hit list for you.

unknown 17:25

Oh, I don't need to go and murder.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

Uh I I don't know uh Etsy dead, monkey dead. Oh, I I'm trying to think of someone else you could go and murder. I don't want to joke about murdering anybody. I'm not murdering anybody. I know well you're not if we're gonna make a magic film and I'm telling you to murder someone. So this is also for context, this is a film in which uh which Anthony Hopkins was in, and he went he unspooled and went completely mad with his puppet telling him to do things and he acted out with a voice in the head. I heard some okay, sorry, I'm getting on too many levels now, and I'm actually anxious about you saying the the murder kissed arm a bit because you know it I don't I wish you hadn't said that. You're gonna cut it. No, I can't be bothered to edit things, so I'm gonna have to leave it, but I'm going to disclaim it and hope that nobody, you know, takes that clip. You're not gonna get cancelled for a joke like that, Nina. Calm the fuck down. It's just not a joke, I just don't have time. Do you know what I mean? It's not I i you know, and I I think Kirstalmer's okay, you know, he's not the worst guy, is he? He's alright, he's not great, he's not the worst guy. I don't want to murder anyone, no one, really, no one, not even the lady upstairs. Lady upstairs doesn't exist, so she can have it, she can get it, she'll get it. She's a right arsehole. Oh monkey, agonise, agonise. It's all I ever do. Anyway, what what you've reminded me of then, the voice in the head, was that I heard about auditory um hallucinations, which you have some experience of. I do have some experience of that. On the on the rare occasions that Nina's been high. I I have had like um auditory hallucinations. Um people talk about visual hal hallucinations all the time, but Nina gets them in the ears. And they're only tiny, they're like someone going, hey, you're alright, and I'll turn I'll go, hmm, I don't think anyone's there. She'll get creepy. It is a bit creepy, but I think it's quite fitting for a ventral because that you get those. I also get it if I'm tired or if I'm like half asleep, it'll be like someone says something and I go, Wait, ooh, that wasn't real then. Okay, calm down, Nina. Yeah, it's that kind of thing. Anyway, what's interesting, monkey you take over from here. I feel like I'm talking too much. Well, what we discovered was that these auditory halluci hallucinations are nearly, nearly nothing I did out of that word. These auditory hallucinations, yeah. They if if you have a uh you know, grain scan, yeah. They appear in the speaking part of the head. Isn't that amazing? So that's your speaking part of your head speaking without speaking, but you hear it like a thing. All sorts of things are shorter. I I think that's kind of freaky that you're that you're appearing to hear something that's in the speaking the speaking bit lights up and you hear a voice, but nobody's speaking. Because you're creating it, I suppose. You're creating it, yes. Um anyway. Quite creepy when it happens. It's not the best one. But uh that's something I really, really don't really sympathize with anyone who actually does get voices in the head the whole time. Actually talking. Ah I don't want one. Don't think I've had it too much. You might invite one in. I don't want to. You might invite in a s nasty sprite. A sprite? Yeah, some evil fairy. An evil fairy from the darkness talking in the head. She stop it, don't do that. If it spoke like that, that's how you if you heard a voice in your head, it would be one of those kind of ones.

unknown 21:44

No, Nina!

SPEAKER_01 21:46

Don't do that, monkey. It's weird. It doesn't suit you. Don't do it, sorry, can't help it. I never tried using another voice before, not for very long. Haven't you tried American? I tried an arrackan. Yeah, it's not really good. It's not raining. Instantly it becomes some other cunt.

unknown 22:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

Um anyway, God, listeners, if any of you have voices in the head, man. All love to you. All love and coaxing mechanisms to you. Yeah, good luck with that shit. But no, it's your speaking part of the brain that's lighting up. It's not your it's not real. It's just your brain speaking. It's just your brain speaking. It's not God. Not God. It's no other thing. It's nothing. Nothing to listen to. It's you, you're making it. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing thing. But it could be so convincing that it was someone else. I mean, especially if you were sort of a believer in other things and then a voice. Anyway, yeah, we don't need to go there. Let's not go there. I don't want to go there actually. I'm looking in the camera now for anyone. It's really good. It's nice when I get this close. It is good. It makes you it makes you seem f far more separate from me. Nino, what's that? I've got a little green dot. I noticed that at the gig last night. What is that? Is that like a a chairo? What is why have I got green on me? Must have been a pen in the bag. You know, gotta wash that off. I can't have that. That's not good. Green. I don't like that. You know, you gotta don't just throw me in with all the keys and all the pens. Sorry. Not a skirt. That could be permanent, couldn't it? Please don't give me a long wash. No. I went. Don't I felt you were about to. I've got a bit of coffee. I could dip my finger in the coffee. Not coffee. Oh use something proper. I just want to see. No, you might scred it. See if it will come off of that. Stop it. Monkey, I'm sorry about that. Stop it. It's green. It's there to stay. That's like the the tattoo wound you have in your hand from when you were a child. Yeah, I got one there. Troll them. Uh can you see that little that's quite difficult. That's wrong when Yeah, that was you see there? Oh, it's hard. This is a backwards camera. Can you see that? It's tiny. It doesn't show up on here. But it's grey. It's strong a uh cut of your mouth. Why? Because I'm gonna say something very difficult. It's when a popper point pencil. Yeah, you had no chance of saying pop a point. No chance, no chance. A pop a point pencil. Do you remember those from the from the eighties, seventies, eighties for aging yourself? You put take the pencil out the top and shove it up the back. Right in. And new one came out. I haven't seen those in years. What the fuck happened to the popper point? Pop a point. Pencil. What happened to the pop a point pencil? Who's got one? We'll have to Google those. I want one. I want one back. Anyway, my my great friend who I'm still best friends with today, sh she stuck it in, I think. By mistake. I mean she didn't mean to, oh you never know. I think it was sort of playing around and it went in. It went in my hand and I went ah and I shook my hand and the pencil went wiggle wiggle wiggle. And it drew a lead tattoo in my hand. And that is what it looks like on the side of my face now. Like that. Well yours is more green. Mine is more green. Wow, the proper point pencil. That is a ventriloquist nightner. Give it a go, monkey. We've got to give it a go. Cockle point cancel. Coco point cancel Oh it sounds like something else. Monkey sounds like a cocker point pencil when you say it. Don't draw attention to it. Every time before we go on a gig, that's going to be a warm-up. Cockle point cancel, cockle point cancel. Get a cockle point cancel. A cocoa point cocka cocka cocka coo a cocka coo a cocka poo a cocka coo with a cockle point cancel. Really drawing attention to the limits of my ventriloquism. There's just some bits you just can't get your mouth you can't get that, you know, business you got going on at the back of your mouth. You can't get it if they're in such quick successions. Well you can't, others can, others can, you know, the experts who really know what they're doing with that, they can, not you. Copper point, pencil. Betty bought a bit of butter, Betty got a bit of butter. I don't know why I hit my mouth just then, because you can do that, Betty. What? Oh bit. Butter. Pretty good, monkey, pretty good. That'll do, that'll do, take that to the races. Yeah, take it to the races. It doesn't have to go to the races, we're not going to the races. There's another on the 20 no, on the 19th of April, there's another Nina Contium Friends. I booked some good acts. And uh Yeah, it's gonna be a good one. Yeah, it's gonna be a good one. Ingrid Hansen, who does a fantastic little thing with a baby puppet made out of her own hand. Uh yeah, yeah, to Saint Douglas, yeah. And Downlees, got down lease. Um, but I have a feeling that it might be sold out. But I'm gonna be doing more gigs in there's gonna be one in May, there's gonna be one in June, all at the Leicester Square Theatre, but those ones aren't booked yet, and they're not on sale. But please look out for them. These are lovely nights, they're lovely nights. We've got a little in-house band of the Sonic Joy Orchestra, and they're cool. It's um Tom Penn and Dan Lee's, and they uh ones on the guitar, ones on the double basses. It's a pretty groovy vibe. It's a groovy vibe, so come on down to Nina Conti and Friends if you wanna if you wanna do that. Well listen everybody. We love you. We do. And uh we'll see you next time. Okay. No, maybe I should do a song alright thing. Maybe you should do song monkey. Let's get your little song, alright. Okay, get me a song. Monkey hasn't heard this music before. I don't know what's conging. I'm just gonna play it. I'm gonna play it on my phone. You sing along to it when you're ready. Try to round up this podcast as best you can. Uh and here you go, monkey. Oh, oh it's terrifying. What's that? Is that music or is that Online Dying started? Well, I can't sing to this. This is like I'm in the afterlife. Well maybe it's on topic. Oh god, I'm dying. What was that? I don't like it in this house. There's a lady upstairs that you must kill, Nina Not to mention the crying minister, Nina. You must write a letter to the local council about how you don't like the road knockings Nina Or maybe you hear a voice in your head Nina Is it you talking Nina? Or is it a pop a point pencil in your train causing you to talk and think you're listening? It's a horrible, horrible practice. It's pretty effective. The fly the new fly with Nina Conti and Monkey and Nina has a huge horse that a giant could put his hand in and goggle little eyes and I have a long curly hair. Good night. Thank you for listening. Sweet dreams, sweet dreams. Don't keep a monkey in a handgag with a pen without a lid.