Messiah

(Apologies for poor audio) Nina and Monkey discuss repelling, epic movies and Monkey's messiah complex. There is no video for this episode.

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SPEAKER_02 0:00

Okay Nina, here we are, and this is truly audio only. Yeah, we're audio only today. Can you imagine that? No video. How does it make you feel?

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Well a little loneliness I'm honest. Nina and Monkey are chewing the fat and shooting the shit till it's dead.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

But it sounds very good, this end. This end, and what end is that? The end we're at. Okay. Anyway, um so we've been to Colorado, or some of us have. Some of us didn't get to leave the hotel room, some of us didn't get to leave the hand luggage that we arrived in. No, but I did. And it was good fun. And you know, when you know, trapanning, not trapanning, that's when you put a needle in your head. What is it called? Repelling. Repeling. Uh there's another with a more British way of saying it, and I forgot what it is. Ab sailing, I guess. Is that the same thing? I guess no one ever mentioned the word ab sailing when you were doing it. No, so who knows? Ab sailing. Is that to do with your abs, I wonder? Well I guess so. Were you sailing on your abs? I didn't use my abs. Although you didn't have sail then. Well I used I did use very little. There was no skill involved at all. No skill other than trust. Is trust a skill? I believe so, actually, monkey. I believe so. A skill worth having, I'd say. Or not a skill. A foible. Foible. Yeah, because a skill you trust the wrong person is not good. Well then that's that's not having skill in trust. Okay. Fair enough. Um yes, to trust it was all about trust this tripanning, I almost called it myself. Agsheling. Yes, rocking. Because he hooked us on to a little rock with a little ring in it, you know? A ring on the end of his nose. A little piggy wig stood. No. It was a ring in the rock. And then there were several I don't know what they call cantilevers, up hooks, whatever. Yeah, these are the technical terms, guys get those up hooks. Um sliding in and out figure of eight through the thing that was around my waist. You know, you did a a bungee dump back in the day. I mean, you're not you're not a stranger to these crazes. But um, and then you have to just sort of back away off a perfectly good piece of ground and over the edge of a cliff and trust. And he was he was okay, the guy. He was trustworthy. Do you know what happened? He told me about living earth, and he told me um that the bits on the ground, you know, you it they they grow living earth. What was it called? I don't know, he's a geologist anyway. He cared a lot about this sort of sand that sort of grows very slowly. If you stand on it, you can easily get rid of 50 years of growth of the thing in one moment. Um, but I think it helps bring nutrients to the soil, this stuff, and he should not stand on it. Well, not nastily, he just sort of said he look at this, this is what this is, and then I thought, okay, I I trust this guy. Is that all it takes? Well, it seemed, you know, care for, and that's the that's what you're looking for, isn't it? Oh, okay. So that's all anyone has to do to get your bank account details is tell you about some shrub that's in danger. Mmm, I don't know. I think you've got to work on your trust skills. Anyway, it was quite fun, it was a little scary, there was no skill involved. It was just like letting yourself down, sitting down, let yourself down, you know all about that, Nina.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

I've been doing that since you turned 20.

SPEAKER_02 4:15

And then what else? I mean, I did I saw some incredible places. You saw the arches, the arches national park in Utah, and yeah, it was a road trip, it was my favourite kind of thing. And and how did you fare with being in America at this time? Uh very heartening, lots of people were very lovely, and um you know, a lot of the difficult stuff that has been going on was not in evidence in the places I was in because I was in nature places. But you're trying to get me political, I can hear you. I'm trying to get you hung on steak, where you are. No, I'm not going there, I'm not doing that. You know I'm not about that.

SPEAKER_01 4:58

What are you not about?

SPEAKER_02 5:00

I'm not about politics, monkey. Don't drag me there.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

I want to know where your heart lies.

SPEAKER_02 5:05

Leave it out. We are clowns on the fringes. We are our job is funny and I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it either, actually. I'm not fucking going there. No, we're here to um provide distraction from everything. So come on, monkey, distract us. You want me to do a little belly dance, a little shimmy, get out my nipple tassels and twirl them. Yeah, that kind of thing. I want you to get on, you know, do your best. Want me to want me to show you what I can do as a contortionist. You used to be able to get into pint pint glass. No, I never did. I used to just say I could. It was good that. Why did we lose that from the act? Well, because you had to get a pint glass and my tail started to smell after doing that in pumps for years and getting the dregs of people's laggers on the end of my tail. It was rather disturbing. Is that why you're right? It's true. That is why we stopped doing that. He used to go in tail first, and then you put a leg in. Yeah, and the other leg oh my hip. Yeah, that used to say oh my hip. You know, oh I can't get out, you know. And then yeah, that was it. He's doing it now actually. There's no camera, but I am still here. I'm not just doing his voice and she isn't moving her mouth. No, not more than usual anyway. Suddenly not more than usual. Um do you want to do what you normally do and like sort of bump the mic? She's a me, promise you I'm here. Um anyway, so then there were other things. Oh god, the Esther. We missed our plane. She hadn't filled in the Esther form for her son's passport. That's not it entirely true because he had a passport or uh and an Esther, but I renewed the passport so it voided the Esther, and beware everybody that that Esther is related to a specific passport, or you too might miss your planes. Um if we're going to America. And what else, Monkey? I think what else is an annoying question.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

So when you say what else, I'm going to say fuck you where the sun don't shine.

SPEAKER_02 7:18

Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

I know I wish I'd thought something better.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

Really? Yeah, I I wish you had too, yeah, I had to. And and when I said sun don't shine, I mean where else is there to fuck a person where the sun does shine? Yeah, I guess so. Well that wouldn't be an orifice. Why do we go so low? Where does the sun shine on a person? Everywhere. Yeah, I know, but well it depends what position you're in. If your legs are kimbo, then the sun does shine almost anywhere on the human body. Let's let's move on. I wish you wouldn't say that. I wish you'd let me stay and not move me on all the time. Moving on, moving on. You like some arsehole that works at the airport. Oh keep it keep it going, please, keep it going. Imagine, I don't get to I don't get to like properly settle into any subject. Moving on, moving on, monkey's going into the into the dregs, monkey's gone to the bottom drawer again. Oh here he goes, where the sun don't shine, moving on, keep it moving, keep it moving. I mean fuck's sake. How am I meant to find any gold? Gold is where the sun doesn't shine.

SPEAKER_00 8:29

Well, I don't know if I agree with you. The gold is, you know, gold gold can be anywhere. It can be anywhere. Stop looking at me like that.

SPEAKER_02 8:38

I'm not looking at you like anything. You've got me turned to you. I know that you look disappointed in me, you're projecting. Just a raws rather. The disappointment is your own. You are looking at me like God knows what. Yeah, well I'm pissed off. Interesting. Interesting, Mikey. Pissed off, yes.

unknown 8:57

Ha ha ha.

SPEAKER_02 8:59

Don't laugh when you wind me up. Fuck you, buddy. This is madness. Well, what else do you want to talk about? Oh, interesting. Yeah, shoes on the other foot, Nina. Come on, keep it going, keep it going, keep it moving. Move along, please, move along. I've been watching um Old Epics. Yes, you watch Spartacus, followed by Ben Hur. I mean, they're hilarious. Ben Hur. Wow. Well, legend has it that someone died during the chariot race of Ben Her, but no one did, did they? Well I looked it up, somebody was injured, but no, nobody did die. So that would have made it jollier to watch. But it did look dangerous for the horses, especially, they're very dangerous. I mean the production value of this thing was a lot higher than this podcast. It was epic. There's like 30,000 in the cast or something. There's just like everybody in the stores with this massive hippodrome, like a Colosseum, but all oval-shaped, oval-shaped, with these huge tracks and all these horses running with all these people, nothing was CGI. And you you could tell. Well, it it's funny because CGI is obviously so so good, or something like what do you call it, gladiator or something. Obviously, it looks like a lot of people. Well, this was actually a lot of people. It really was. It looked quite different, and it it made me oh it made me enjoy it.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

It made you enjoy it.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

It was kind of, I don't know, I she's well into loincloths these days. I'm not in a loincloth. She loves a calf down. Anything with a rope or a sandal, you know. Monkey, you know, she's into it. That's her her current kink. Toes visible. Monkey, a hair in a leg in a skirt. I I don't know why I'm into that right now, these old ones. Is it the whole Christiness of it? No, it's not any of that. It's I don't know what it is, the old movie technical. I love the trailers for old movies when they they talk about this production value will blow your mind. And that kind of thing. These trailers, what the fuck was that actually? It's these oldie guys saying um with a cast of this many. And uh they just don't say that these days, do they? They didn't talk about the production value of a film when they do it. No, not really. They used to not until not long ago they used to talk about the sound, the kind of sound that was in the cinema. God, I wonder if the cinema is dying, really dying for good. I hope everybody's watched Sunlight. I really do. I love that film with all my heart. I love it so dearly, and I really want its safe passage into the world. I want people to tell each other to watch it. So if you did enjoy it, please do spread the word. I was thinking, what were you thinking? I was thinking I could be the new the new Ben Hur or the new Spartacus when we do it seriously. We can't do it seriously with you, but you're too small. But yeah, I think people would get behind it. And I think I'd look good in a caf town. No, monkey, I don't think so. I I could lead people on pilgrimages and all that kind of thing. I could I I don't know, I think I'd be I think I'd be pretty convincing. No, I'd be better than what's his name, old Charlton Heston. I mean, he's a weird actor, that guy. I'd be better than him. I'm not commenting on that. I mean look at my eyes. My eyes have so much feeling in them, Nina. Please, get me a caftan and and a sword and get get me on one of those. I want to like cross a desert or part a sea or something. Monkey, go get in into the like a messiah complex now. Well I'm really worried about you. I could be a messiah. I don't see why that's all wrong. It's not right, monkey. Yeah, it is. Perfect. I'm the next Messiah. No, I'm telling you. I fucking am. Look at me. Tell me I'm not. No, I don't believe it. I'm looking at you. I don't think you are. Well why are you laughing? If you don't smell a hint of truth in it, I can tell you think it would be good if I was the next messiah. I don't think it would be good. It's a hilarious idea, it's why I'm laughing, because I'm looking at the most ridiculous Messiah that ever there would be. I think a good one. I actually think. I I actually think I am. No, you know, I am, I feel it. I feel the power. I feel the power of God within me. You sound like the woman from The Exorcist, the girl, she was a girl, not a woman. There's a new one, isn't there? There's a new exorcist coming her way. I don't think it can be scary now because I mean everything is derivative of that. I know. People been deriving from that horrific film, you saw it when you were eleven. I did, it was spooky as Christ. It scared me so much. I don't know I I don't think I've ever been as scared of anything, so you're gonna see the new one. Yeah, I'll see the new one. You sure? Mm-hmm. You sure you're ready for it? Yes. I I am totally sure. Why do you do that weird pause? Because I feel we've got topic whether we left writhing round on the ground like a cut open worm. That is a horrible metaphor. Simile, I'll have you know. Don't no fucking hate when in the middle of conversation someone corrects my grammar. Yeah, it's a bit bet noir of mine. Anyway. Anyway, was there anything do you want to say anything more about being the Messiah is my point? That's why I sort of paused. Well, not a lot more, no. I just I I invite you to believe it. It's the kind of thing that people imagine that you might say to me, sort of, in the middle of the night, or in a room on your own when there's no camera like today. Yeah, and you just look at me and tell me you're the messiah. Yeah. You're funny, weirdo. What wouldn't that be something? Imagine if I was. And then you had to start doing gig sh like with the messiah on your hand. Yeah. I think they'd get a lot less funny. Or it might be a lot more funny. No, Monkey, look at look you know, now I see the light of God in your eye of creeping me out. I don't think you you are funny. I think it'd be the end of our career, quite frankly, I really do. They put part of it in the pulpit in America. Yeah, they do, but no, not here, not you. Not you. Okay. I banished thee. I banished thee from being like this. Oh, I see, I'm getting to you now. Um but yeah, I've often talked about how the monkey doesn't need a mic, you know, obviously. And yet Nina is holding me right in front of it, like I'm talking to it. And there's no one here to see that, so isn't that weird? We're selling Nina's car. Well I might as well say that on the podcast. Yeah, but I am. I'm selling my car. If anyone wants a beautiful old m estate Mercedes, uh watch the makeup model. Can't remember, it's 1985. If you learn's exempt, she goes plundering her goods and her podcast. But you know, anyone who's into classic cars, a gorgeous one. I had it for I drove it for about 12, 14 years maybe. I've dro I've had a long time, and it's a reliable old fucker. It's gonna last forever. Um, yeah, it's a good one. I love it. It's the kind of car that when you drive it, people stop you and say, Oh, I like your car. Yeah, it's one of those, well, you know, you can get in touch if you wanna, if you want to buy it. Um how would they do that? Well, they'd have to use the podcast email neanmonkeyspodcast at gmail.com. Yeah, too true. Yeah, if you want to buy a car. I've got to know I really would like to know how long we've been talking. Yeah, me too, but there's no way of knowing. Because we're using garage band this time, it's just like a never-ending red line. And there's a number that has seven seven nine on it, so how long's that? I don't know. But I think we should carry on a little bit because I don't actually feel that we've got to see anybody anything. Oh what the meat and potatoes of this meal. We haven't really got to it, no. No, we made a soup this morning. I don't think that's interesting enough to bring up there's leeks in it. There are. And there's carrots. Okay, you want the whole ingredient list? Cherry tomatoes, orange lentils, and coriander? Um I think that's it. Yeah, that's it. And then some bouillon powder. Yeah, put some of that in. And it was it's pretty basic, but it's nice. It was good. You didn't have it. I did. I know what it tasted like. A little mild. It was a bit mild, honestly. There were no spice in it, but it was alright. And it was comfort. It was kind of comforting. Messiah monkey. I mean didn't Russell Brown do a show about being the Messiah. And I was there, it was a work in progress. It was a work in progress, and I was on at the Sofa Theatre, so and it was on in the same room as I was. So I just thought, well, go and have a look at that. And they chaperoned her down to the front row. I got full oh, you got full force rustled brand right at you in the front row. It was extremely, what was it like, standing in front of an hairdryer? A bit more than that, standing in front of some hairdryer full heat blasting you in the face. It was a lot. I remember thinking, this is a lot. I mean, the guy's got vibes, you know what I mean? Oh, guys having to face those vibes and in jail now. He's not in jail, Mike, he's he's being tried. Very dark stuff. Oh god, anyway. So when you say when you say Messiah, I think of Russell Brand because of his show Messiah Complex, I think it was called, and that front row experience, that full force, hot air right in the face, that eye burning shit he kept spouting. It was a lot. Um it was a lot. Did you know well I didn't know the whole time, but I was kept sitting there thinking, oh god, does he think it's does he recognise me? And does he know, does he think I am so keen that I want to sit in the front row? But I was ushered in and that was, you know, after it had begun, there were no other seats, and the usher just took me right fucking front row. I couldn't turn around and say, oh no, thanks. So I had to sit. I had to shit and get the full blow.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

The full Russell blow.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

It's enough about him anyway. But so that's why, if we if I'm honest, that's why I feel uncomfortable, not only because it taps on religion, which is fucking, you know, that's a hot rod. It is, and so I'm not gonna I don't want to talk about religion, and all I'm thinking while you're looking at me saying, Oh, I'm the new messiah, is I'm thinking of Russell Grand. So it's got I've got double that bad vibes. You almost said double bad vibes. I heard you. Vibes short for Bible. Interesting. Anyway, you're not a new messiah, yet I am. You're not, and that's enough of that. I would show you the way. No, um you're not. That's not what a messiah would say. I've got all the goods, I know all the ways.

SPEAKER_01 21:18

Come to me and I'll show you the ways, because I know them. Over here, follow me. Keep it moving.

SPEAKER_02 21:25

Okay, not that on a callback at least, but honestly, you gotta drop this. Get me a loin cloth. Sandal. Just a one. I'll fit in it. I'll lie down in it. You can float me down the river Nile. No! Stop this! I'm all about it. No, monkey, it's wrong and weird. Bejol me. Bejol me like a Caesar. You really do have like a terrible thirst for power. I wouldn't mind it, you know. I could lie down, you could feed me. Grapes. I'd put my sandal on. Just the one. Stop it. It would do as a caftan, even a sandal. I mean, just look, you know, I could wear the straps around the middle and I'd have the sole up my back, it'd be nice. It'd kind of prop me up, my head would stick out where the toes are. And I'd I I'd be fucking Messiah, I tell you, the sandal Messiah. People would flock to hear my speeches. Do you honestly think this is worth pursuing? I do, I'm utterly convinced of it. Do you want to do one of these speeches now and just see how wrong you are? Yeah. What are you putting me to the you want me to walk on water, do you? Is that you doubting bitch? I yeah. Yeah, I do, actually. Fucking Pontius Pilot over here. I hope that's the right reference. I don't really know this. Maybe we walk on water. Okay, I start to it would be nice if I had a hilltop to preach from. This is also wrong. I don't like any of this. Come around, everyone. Come around and listen to me. I'll show you the way. It's over there. It's not just po signposting, is it? I'm telling people where to go and I say over there.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

Where's over there?

SPEAKER_01 23:15

Onward, onward hole.

SPEAKER_02 23:17

Mm-hmm. Well, listen, I think you're gonna have to work on these speeches if you really want a proper following. They need work. And what's your main message? Well, main message is love. Isn't that what they always say?

SPEAKER_01 23:34

Love's a winner, you can really shed it.

SPEAKER_02 23:38

Yeah, but that's dark to sell love. Love should just be there, love should just love's pe people's own business. Want someone telling you to love. That's your own business. It's in us anyway. Oh now she thinks she's the Messiah. I just think love is a very sort of basic thing that's sort of there uninterrupted. It's sort of available, you can tune into it, you've got it in you, you know? When you're relaxed, certainly. Listen to her. She tells me she tells me to call it when I want to wear a sandal. I can hell, get a lot of that. Anyway, I think that's enough for now. That'll do for this week. Thank you so much for listening. Um I hope nobody's as offended as always. Um monkey does, you know, I am here.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

I'm still here.

SPEAKER_02 24:35

And she's saying monkey does. I do like to give him some free reign, but I do like to also sort drag him back from that and it's a it it's a pull and a push, isn't it? It's a push me pull ya. Push me pull ya as Dr. Doolittle used to have. That little two-headed goat that he had. Push me pull ya. That's what this is. That's what this relationship is. It's a push me pull ya. Okay, see you soon. Buy Nina's car. Yeah, buy my car. Watch Nina's film. Yeah, watch Nina's film. I'm Nina. And uh yeah, and uh uh join my religion. Don't do the last one. See you soon. Lots of love.