24. When Fear Becomes Self-Sabotage - and How to Stop It

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In this episode, we unpack how fear of failure and fear of success fuel self-sabotage and how to turn fear into usable information. I share a real story about pausing, naming the root fear, and choosing to keep moving forward anyway.

We will discuss:

• defining fear of failure and fear of success
• naming the root fear to stop sabotage
• using questions to interpret fear as data
• capacity over confidence as the key shift
• practical steps to regulate and act anyway
• tracking growth so fear loses power

Listen in - because you deserve to be in the driver's seat - not fear.

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Transcript

Redefining Fear Of Failure

Fear Of Success Unpacked

A Personal Spiral Into Delay

Naming The Root Fear

From Self-Sabotage To Strategy

Interpreting Fear, Not Obeying It

Capacity Over Confidence

Action Steps And Closing Invite

Resources And Stay Connected

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Heal Thrive Prosper. I'm Andrea Tanase, and if survival mode made you forget who you are, I'm here to help you remember. After hitting rock bottom and rebuilding my life from the inside out, I now guide people like you, the cycle breakers, the strong ones, the overachievers, to unlearn harmful patterns, reclaim your worth, and build a love and life that feel like freedom, not survival. So grab your favorite snack and let's heal, thrive, and prosper together. Welcome back. If you are a human with emotions, this is the episode for you because we have all felt fear. But how we choose to move forward with that feeling is what differentiates you from the next person and even you from an old version of yourself. I know that's the case for me. Fear used to run my entire life. I was the queen of self-sabotage. So stick around. If you are facing some fears and you find yourself self-sabotaging or having thoughts that you are not worthy of whatever it is that you want that you're working towards, I am going to show you how to flip the script and make sure that fear is not running your life and that you're actually the one running it. So we talk about fear of failure a lot, but we don't talk about how fear quietly turns into self-sabotage. Fear of failure is such an umbrella term. It can look like fear of being judged, fear of wasting time, fear of looking stupid, fear of disappointing people, fear of proving your inner critic right, fear of trying and not getting the outcome you wanted. At the end of the day, fear of failure is really this. You're afraid the outcome that you want won't happen in the way that you want it to. But here's what I've realized recently: fear of success is built from the same roue. Fear of failure says, what if this doesn't work? And fear of success says, what if it does? And now I have to become that person that is successful in that area. I have to keep going in that. Whichever it is for you, and whatever fear it is that's coming up for you, you have to name it because you can't fight what you don't acknowledge. Because you have to dig deep down and figure out what is at the root of that fear. I'll give you an example from my life. One of my clients told me that she really appreciated that in certain moments I was vulnerable and shared something I was struggling with. And yes, surprise, I am not perfect. Although I guide people and I'm blessed to be a mentor and be a coach. I am human, I have flaws and I have battles, I have fears, I have emotions, and I am not perfect, right? And so this week and last week was the perfect example of fear just creeping in. And for me right now, it's fear of success more than it is fear of failure because I am running my business, I am doing what I really want to do. I'm putting myself out there, I'm applying for speaking engagements for conferences, I am working on a workshop, which is actually where this fear came up. So it was last week, Thursday night, and I had to do some things for the workshop. I had to figure out some back-end tech stuff. I just sat down on the couch and my mind completely blanked, and my brain just hid that plan from me. Like I had full intentions to get that done, and I didn't get it done. I laid in bed that night, and all of a sudden I was like, I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I was tired and I didn't think much of it. Then the whole weekend passes, and all of a sudden it was Monday and I got rest, but I got nothing done that I needed to get done. And now I'm on a time crunch because I had a timeline that I thought I needed to meet. Tuesday comes and I'm in a call with my business coach and other ladies that are in my coaching group. And all of a sudden, I'm telling everyone that I know why the Thursday and the weekend and Monday and went the way it did is because I am scared beneath all of that, that actually I'm going to keep putting myself out there and it is all going to work out. And then what does that mean? I have to sustain it, right? I have to keep on doing it. I'm gonna have a successful workshop in March, and then what? And then I'm gonna have new clients, and then what? And then I'm gonna have to serve my clients well, which I'm not afraid of doing that, really, because I know that I can and I am, I'm already doing it. And so as I talked through this, my business coach was like, You just coached yourself through the fears and you know why you're feeling the way you are. All this to say is I felt the way I felt, but I had a plan to move forward and move past it. I sat down and I figured out why. I figured out the layers, and there's a lot to it. And I unpacked all of it, right? And then I kept going with my plan because guess what? The old version of me would completely self-sabotage. This was the make it or break it point. At this point in my past, I would run away. There was a version of me that got a LinkedIn message years ago from somebody inviting me to a conference, giving me a free ticket because they saw what I was doing on my social media, thought I could benefit from being in that space, and I completely self-sabotaged. I did not end up going to the event. So that was just a glimpse of who I used to be. I didn't go to that event because I was scared. Well, I go, and then I have to tell people like what I do, who I am, what I'm about, and then what? And then I have to be that person, right? Now I've really done the work. The fears come up, but then I realize deep down, like I do want to be doing this, and I am who I say I am. I do get my clients the results that I say I get them. I do really care about this work. This is not something for fun. This is not a hobby. This is not just to make money. This is what I really believe I should be doing. And so now, when the fear showed up, I was able to move through it and use it as information, but not turn it into a case of sabotaging what I really want deep down. So maybe you've experienced this playing small, not following up, not doing the things you said you were going to do, that you actually want to do, pulling back when opportunities show up. When you feel fear, you're interpreting it as a stop. When you feel that discomfort, you're interpreting it as danger. You feel activated, and then you withdraw. And I can tell you that dealing with that fear, uncovering it, is going to change your life. So here's what you can do: you're going to feel the fear, especially as you're stepping into a new chapter, doing things you've never done before, pursuing things you've never pursued before. But you can pause and you can ask questions. Ask yourself why? Why do I feel like this? What is it really? What's underneath this? What other feelings are coming up? And then you can interpret it, right? And you can regulate and you can decide how to move forward. But you get to decide, not the fear. Let's stop it from becoming an automatic response. Fear should not equate, everything stops, back away, run away. This is the wrong direction. You will still feel fear. You just have to stop abandoning yourself when it shows up. You will not eliminate fear, but you need to learn how to interpret it. And the difference between that person that I told you that ran away from an opportunity, and now the person I am today that is running towards creating my own opportunities and also creating opportunities for other people, expanding other people's lives. The difference isn't confidence, it's capacity. I have expanded my capacity to feel all of the feelings, feel the range of emotions, to look fear in the eye, and still do it scared. And I know you hear that all the time. Do it scared. But I already felt the fear, so I'm not doing it scared. I'm doing it with whatever information the fear gave me after I unpacked it. Right now, I know the different ways, different outcomes that will happen after I host that workshop in March. And I'll tell you about that next week. But I I know what could happen, right? I'm not scared of the outcomes. I've felt the fear now, and I've moved past it, and now I'm taking action. The workshop is still happening. I'm following through. And that's what I'm telling you. I'm gonna push you a little and tell you that your fear isn't telling you you're going the wrong way. It's telling you you're at the edge of something. And so knowing what you're after, why you're after it, and the fact that you're going in the right direction is all you need to know. So when fear shows up, you can look it in the eye and tell it, okay, I've I see you. I know you're why you're here, or I'm gonna figure out why you're here, I'm gonna put you to bed, and then we're gonna keep on pushing. You have to meet it where it's at. You cannot let it make the decision for you. When you learn how to read it, how to move through it, that's when self-sabotage stops being automatic. So, like I said, the difference is capacity, your capacity to stay present, your capacity to question the fear, and your capacity to move anyway. And if you've been self-sabotaging, it doesn't mean you're lazy, you're broken, or messed up. It means that your fear has been in the driver's seat. And the work now is learning how to take the wheel back. Each time you act, despite your fear, you will get better and better at it. So notice next time fear comes, write it down, reflect on how it felt, what's changed, and what you've learned. Fear will lose its strength when you acknowledge your growth. And so I want you to celebrate every step that you take away from your fear and towards who you're meant to be. And if you're ready to relate to yourself differently, this is where that starts. I have a ton of free resources for you, my weekly newsletter, reflection tools, and you can always book a free clarity call with me. Make sure you're on the newsletter, make sure we're connected on Instagram at Heal Thrive Prosper. I'll see you next time.