13. Why You Care So Much What People Think (It’s Not What You Expect)

Why do you care so much what people think? The answer goes much deeper than people pleasing.
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Do you ever replay conversations, worry what people think, or feel anxious when someone seems “off” with you? In this episode of Pretty Deep, Petrina unpacks why people pleasing is often only the surface of something much deeper. Through personal story, Scripture, and honest reflection, this conversation explores approval, self-worth, identity in Christ, and how to stop looking to people for something only God can give.

 In this video, you’ll learn:
 • Why caring too much what people think is usually pointing to something deeper
 • How people pleasing can reveal where you are getting your sense of worth from
 • Why confidence advice often treats the symptom, not the root
 • What Scripture says about your identity in Christ
 • How to catch the lie, name it, and replace it with truth
 • Why renewing your mind is a daily process, not a one-time revelation

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS
00:00 – The exhausting cycle
02:11 – Symptom vs cause
03:08 – The real question
05:51 – The year I almost quit
08:20 – How the shift happened
11:23 – The love you never let in
17:00 – You don’t need approval

Listen To This Next: You Don’t Feel Confident (But Something Else Is Going On)  ➡️  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyY8LEDEFHc&t=7s
 
This episode is part of 'The God You Didn't Know' — a season of honest conversations about the misunderstandings about God that quietly shape our confidence, identity, and peace. 

Watch the full series on YouTube, here  ➡️  https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuIjdmA2_b_OmBO6i6_R8hEsJrkRSXsGz

Subscribe to Pretty Deep: https://www.youtube.com/@PrettyDeepPodcast

Connect with me!
 • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@PrettyDeepPodcast
• Instagram: @PetrinaVerma

Question  ➡️  Where do you notice yourself looking for approval the most: friendships, family, work, church, or social media?

Disclaimer: This video is not sponsored and includes no affiliate links.

#PeoplePleasing #IdentityInChrist #ChristianWomen #SelfWorth #PrettyDeepPodcast

About:
 Pretty Deep is a podcast for women who are done striving and ready to see God — and themselves — clearly. Each week, Petrina goes beneath the surface of the things women carry and brings them back to truth, faith, identity, and what God actually says.

DISCLAIMER: This podcast/ video is for encouragement, faith-based reflection, and personal growth purposes only. It is not sponsored and does not include affiliate links. Any Scripture references or personal reflections shared are intended to support spiritual encouragement and should not replace professional counselling, therapy, medical advice, or pastoral care where needed.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You've worked hard to be likable and easy, agreeable, warm. You've gone out of your way to make sure people feel good around you. You've adjusted who you are, your opinions, your tone, even your humor, depending on who's in the room. You've said yes when everything in you wanted to say no. And then you walked out of a conversation and spent the next hour replaying everything you said, wondering how you came across, cringing at something you said or something you didn't say, and you felt that quiet panic when someone seems off with you. And your first thought, almost automatically, is always, what did I do wrong? If any of that sounds familiar, this episode is for you. Because what I want to share with you today is not what you're expecting. Everyone calls this a people-pleasing problem. Some people even call it a confidence problem. But I want to show you today that it's actually neither of those things. It goes much deeper than that. And once you see what's really going on underneath, it'll change everything. So stay with me because we're going somewhere really important today. Hi, I'm Petrina, and this is the Pretty Deep Podcast, a place for women who are done striving and are ready to see God and themselves. Clearly. Let's get into it. Now, I want to ask you something and I want you to sit with it honestly. When was the last time that you did something, you know, said yes to something, changed your opinion about something, stayed quiet when you had something to say, because of how it would make someone else feel about you. For a lot of us, that answer is recently, maybe even today. And the advice we usually get about this, it looks like build your confidence, set boundaries, stop caring what people think, develop a thicker skin. And look, none of that is terrible advice, but here's my problem with it. It treats the symptom, not the cause. Because people pleasing is not a personality trait. It's not just low confidence, it's not just something people are born with and others are not. It's a symptom, a signal, and it's pointing to something underneath. So, what's underneath it? Almost always it's a sense of not being enough. You know, a quiet, persistent feeling that your value isn't quite fixed. It has to be earned. It depends on what people think of you. In other words, low self-worth. Not the kind that's necessarily obvious, not the kind where you walk around thinking, I hate myself, but the kind that makes you work a little too hard to be liked. The kind that makes you say yes when you want to say no. The kind that makes a slightly cool response from someone spiral into, did I do something wrong? So the real question, the one that actually gets to the root of this, is not why do I care so much what people think? The real question is, where am I getting my sense of self-worth from? Because worth has to come from somewhere. We all carry a sense of whether we are enough, whether we are valuable, whether we matter. And that sense of self-worth is always being fed by something or someone. And when the honest answer to where is my worth coming from is people, you know, their approval, their acceptance, their opinion of me, that tells you something. Because worth was never meant to come from people, it was meant to come from one place only. So this is not a confidence problem, it's an identity problem. And the identity problem is really a God problem. Stay with me because I'm going to get really personal in a moment, and I think what I share might surprise you. I want to tell you something I don't talk about all that often. I was a Christian for years. I grew up a Christian. I loved God, I went to church, I believed, before I actually understood what it meant to have an identity in Christ. And in those years when I didn't understand, I was a people pleaser. Not in a dramatic, obvious way. Not in a way that anyone around me would necessarily have named, but it was there. I tried to be likable, I tried to win people over, I adjusted myself depending on who I was around. And underneath all of it was this quiet, persistent feeling that I was not quite enough, that I wasn't valuable enough, just the way I was. So I worked for it, I earned it, I tried to make people feel good so that I would feel okay. And that cost me in ways that I didn't always recognize at the time. I said yes to things I really didn't want to do. And then I did them and resented having to do them and resented the people that made me do them. Which, if I'm honest, wasn't really fair. Because no one was forcing me or pressuring me. It was me saying yes because I didn't want to upset people. Because I was afraid that if I said no, they would not like me. That if I let them down, I'd lose them. That was exhausting to live with. I also gave far more than I got in certain friendships. And that left me feeling hurt and unappreciated, not realizing that the dynamic was partly one that I had created. Because I didn't know how to hold space for myself. And then there's this, and I'm sharing this because I think some of you will really connect with it. When God first nudged me to start this podcast, you know, before I first wrote even a single episode or planned a single thing, I spent a whole year not doing it. A whole year. Not because I was busy or the timing wasn't right, because the voice in my head, the one that sounds like wisdom but is actually fear, was very loud and very convincing. It said things like, who are you to do this? What do you possibly have to say that anyone would want to hear? Your experiences can't help anyone. What do you have to say that is valuable enough, helpful enough, special enough? Even shut up and sit down, Petrina. Don't imagine that you're someone with something important to offer. Can you imagine? That was my inner voice for a year. And the heartbreaking thing is I had friends and family telling me exactly the opposite. People who said I expressed myself beautifully. People who said that if even one person was helped, that would be enough. People who believed in this before I did. And you know what? None of it landed because I didn't believe it. When your sense of worth is shaky and when it's not anchored in something solid, even the encouragement of people who love you can't get through. It was after that year, after some real inner work and lots of time in the word, some slow, quiet shifting of what I believe about myself. I finally sat down and I wrote the first five episodes. And then I sat on those for months. I didn't record a single one until eventually I did. And I remember the night when I finally launched the podcast. I went live with three episodes. And oh my, I was terrified. I cried. I went to my husband and said, What have I done? Now everyone's gonna look at me, everyone's gonna judge me. After everything, after the year of waiting, the months of sitting on the episodes, I was still afraid of what people would think. That is what a shaky identity does. That is what it costs you. And listen, what you're watching right now, it almost didn't exist because I didn't believe that I was the right person to make it. The shift for me didn't happen in a single dramatic moment. There was no lightning bolt or thunderclap, no one clear day where everything changed. It was gradual, quiet, steady. God slowly, gently, lovingly, without even once condemning me, began to transform me by the renewing of my mind. He convinced me of his love, of my worthiness, that he saw me as worthy. And slowly the thing I believed about myself started to change. Not because I had worked harder, not because I had more achievements to point to, but because I started to see what God actually said about me. And that is a completely different foundation. I still have hard days, I still have moments where the old pattern tries to come back. But I know what to do with it now. I bring every thought captive to Jesus, and I actively choose to believe what the word says, even when I don't feel like it. If this is resonating with you at all, I'd love for you to subscribe if you haven't already. Because this is exactly the kind of conversation we have here every single week. So let's talk about what the word actually says. Because the problem for most women is not that they don't believe in God, it's that they don't really know what God believes about them. There's a difference between knowing God exists and knowing who you are because of him. Being in Christ is not just about being saved, it's not just about getting into heaven. It means you're fully known, fully loved, and fully chosen. Not because of your performance, not because you got it all right, and not because you're consistent and disciplined and have your quiet time every morning. It's because of who he is. And here's what I want you to really hear. God did not create you as an afterthought. He didn't create you and then grudgingly decide to love you. He made you for relationship, for closeness, and for intimacy with him. Zechariah 2, verse 8 in the Bible, it calls us the apple of God's eye, the apple of his eye. That is not the language of a God who's disappointed in you. That is not the language of a God who's keeping his distance until you sort yourself out and look perfect. That's the language of a father who's fiercely and tenderly and completely devoted to you. And then there's this, the thing that undoes me every time I think about it. God loved us so much. He looked at what it would take to be with us forever. He saw all the things it would cost. The suffering of his son on the cross, and he said, It's worth it. You are worth it. That's how loved you are. And this is what so many women miss. They know they are saved, but they never let themselves be loved. Not really. They approach God like He's grading them, like His opinion of them goes up when they're doing well and comes down when they fail. So they try to earn it from God, from people. Because deep down they don't actually believe that they are enough just as they are. Romans 12, 2 says this. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. The renewing of your mind is the mechanism. It's not a feeling, it's not a moment, it's a process, a daily, steady, faithful process of letting the word of God replace the lies in your head. What are these lies? The lies that say, I need to be more before I'm enough. The lie that says what people think of me determines my worth. Or the lie that says that God's approval is conditional on my consistency, my performance, my spiritual track record. Every single one of those lies has to be brought captive, which is exactly what 2 Corinthians 10 5 says. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God. And we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. Take captive every thought. That means when the thought comes and it will come, the one that says you're not enough, you need them to approve of you, you need to manage how they see you, you catch it, you name it, and you bring it to Christ. And you say, That is not what the word says about me. I choose to believe the word. And then there's this, one of the most misquoted verses in the Bible. But when you understand it, it's extraordinary. Philippians 4.13, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It's not a motivational poster. It's not about achieving your goals and winning at life. It is an identity statement. And it's saying the capable one is not me alone. It's Christ in me. Which means that the fear that says, who are you to do this? That fear is answered not by your own confidence, but by whose you are. And when that truth moves from your head to your heart, when you actually begin to stand on it and live from it, other people's opinion will lose its power. Not because you stop caring about people, but because you're no longer dependent on them for your sense of self-worth. The gap that people's approval was filling, it's finally filled by something that doesn't change. Now, I really want to be honest with you about something. And I say this because I think it's important and because I don't want you to hear everything I've just said and think, okay, I just need to get it and then I'll be fine. This is not a one-time revelation. You don't just hear this once or have a moment and wake up transformed forever. Identity in Christ is not a destination that you arrive at. It's a choice you make every single day. Because old thoughts will come back again and again and again and again. You know, the thought that says, did I upset them? Or the thought that says they probably think less of me. Or the thought that says, I should have said something different or done something different or been something different. Like I said, it comes back. Maybe not as loud as it used to be or as convincing, but it comes back. And every single time it does, you have a choice. You can follow the spiral or you can bring it captive. You can let the thought land or you can say no. That is not what the word says about me. I've been doing this for years and I still choose it every day. Not because I haven't grown, I have. And I'm genuinely braver than I used to be. I doubt myself less, I say no more easily, and I care less about managing everyone's perception of me. But it's not automatic, it's a practice. And the practice is quite simple, even though it's not always easy. You catch the thought, you name the lie, and you replace it with truth. What does that look like on a real day? Someone doesn't respond to you the way you hoped, and that familiar feeling creeps in. Did I do something wrong? Are they annoyed with me? Should I message them again? Instead of following that spiral, you catch it. You say, This feeling is telling me I'm looking for my worth in the wrong place. Then you go to the word. Not willpower, not positive thinking, God's word. Because it is the word that renews your mind. That's what scripture says. Not motivation, not mindset hacks, the word. For me, this looked like getting really serious about reading the Bible. Not to tick a box, not out of discipline or duty, but to get to know God, to find out who He actually says I am. And the more I read, the more my mind was renewed. Slowly, layer by layer. The things I used to believe about myself, that I wasn't quite enough, that I needed to earn my place, they started to lose their grip. Not all at once, but steadily, faithfully, over time. This is not about arriving, it's about returning every day to God's truth. Again and again and again and again for as long as it takes and for as long as we're alive. Every time you return, it gets a little more solid, a little more real, a little more like the thing you actually stand on rather than the thing that you're trying to believe. Alright, don't go anywhere. Because what I want to leave you with in the next couple of minutes is the most important thing I've said today. I want to say something to you directly. You do not need people's approval. Not because people don't matter. They always do. But because you already have the only approval that will ever fully satisfy you. God is not withholding his opinion of you until you perform better. He is not disappointed in you. He is not quietly keeping score. He is not waiting for you to get yourself together before he fully accepts you. You are the apple of his eye. He made you for relationship with him. He looked at what it would cost to have you, his only son, on the cross to pay the debt of sin, yours and mine. And he said, You were worth every single bit of it. You are loved and chosen, you are enough. Not because of anything you have done, because of who he is. And when that truth moves from something you know in your head to something you actually stand on, the way you move through the world will begin to change. You stop adjusting yourself to fit other people's comfort. You'll stop replaying conversations, needing assurance. And it'll happen not perfectly or overnight, but the grip will loosen because you're no longer looking to people to give you something that only God can give you. You were not made to shrink, you're made in the image of God, and it's time that you start living like here. Can I pray with you before we go? Father God, for the woman listening to this right now, the one who is exhausted from managing what everyone thinks of her, Lord, would you please speak to her heart today? Remind her, Lord, that you love her and that she is the apple of your eye, that you made her for closeness with you. That, Lord, you did not count the cost of spending eternity with her, which was your son on the cross, too high. You were willing to pay it, Lord God. Help her to catch the lies when they come. And Lord, we know that they will come. Help her to bring every thought captive. Help her to choose again and again and again to believe what you say about her over what she hears from the voice in her head, what fear says to her. Lord, you are enough for her and she is enough in you. May she know that, Lord, from the bottom of her heart. Lord, we ask this in Jesus' name. Amen. If this episode helped you see something differently, please, I'd love for you to like it. It genuinely helps more women to find these conversations. And if you haven't already subscribed, please do. Every week here on Pretty Deep, we're doing exactly this. We're going to the root of the things women carry and finding what God actually says about them. And if you want to go deeper on the confidence piece, because identity and confidence are deeply connected, I've linked an episode below that goes hand in hand with this one. It's called You Don't Feel Confident, but Something Else is Going On. I think it's going to make a lot of sense after what we talked about today. Please go and watch that next. Thank you so much for being here. I'll see you in the next one. Much love.