Why trying harder for God keeps you stuck in shame and burnout

Have you ever felt like you're one missed prayer away from disappointing God completely?

If you've spent days obsessing over whether an intrusive thought means you've lost your salvation, or if you confess the same sin repeatedly because you're terrified you didn't "mean it enough,” you might be struggling with religious scrupulosity.

This form of OCD can come off as strong spiritual devotion, but underneath, you're drowning in fear, guilt, and the exhausting work of trying to earn a love that's already yours.

In this episode, I'm sharing my own story of spiritual burnout when God called me to intercession from 2-3 AM every night until I physically crashed, and what I learned about the difference between conviction and condemnation.

You'll discover why "trying harder" only reinforces the obsessive cycle, how to recognize if you're experiencing religious OCD, and the counterintuitive path to freedom: learning to rest in God's grace instead of performing for His approval.

This is Christian emotional healing that honors both your faith and your mental health. If you're exhausted from walking on eggshells with God, this conversation will meet you with the warmth, truth, and Christian encouragement you've been desperate for.

👉 Ready to process your emotions God's way? Grab my FREE 3-day mini-course "From Triggered to Anchored" (link below) and discover how to move from fear to freedom in Christ.

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Transcript

Welcome & Introduction

Speaker 0:48

Hey friend. Welcome back to the Christian Woman's Journey to Healing and Identity in Christ. I'm Melissa Chan, an emotional healing coach that helps highly sensitive Christian woman go from unseen. Stuck and exhausted to feeling loved, having deeper intimacy with God and thriving in their God-given identity. We're talking real emotions, real healing, and real Jesus. Today we're addressing something that doesn't get discussed enough In Christian circles, it is called drum roll religious scrupulosity. If you never heard of that term before, stay with me because even if you don't know the term, you might actually recognize the experience and maybe have experienced it yourself. If you've tuned in to previous episodes, you might actually recognize that Jasmine and I talked about this topic very briefly in the OCD episode. So what is this word that I struggle to pronounce sometimes? Religious scru. Well, it's a form of OCD where someone has obsessive fears about sin, blasphemy, or not being right with God, and that leading to compulsive behaviors like over confessing or excessive prayer rituals, constantly seeking reassurance or reading the Bible out of fear of punishment rather than desire. It's when your relationship with God feels less like rest and more like walking on eggshells, terrified that one wrong thought or one missed prayer might just mean you've disappointed God or lost your salvation and just be the end of you. And here's what makes religious scrupulosity so insidious. It disguises itself a spiritual devotion from the outside. It looks like you're just really committed to your faith, but on the inside, but you're drowning in fear, guilt, and the exhausting work of trying to be good enough for God, whose love you can't quite believe is unconditional. So. Let me ask you, have you ever felt like no matter how much you pray, confess, or read your Bible, it's never enough? Like there's always one more thing that you should be doing or. To make sure you are right with God. Have you ever had a thought pop into your head during worship that absolutely horrified you, and then you spent days or weeks, maybe even months obsessing over whether you committed the unforgivable sin? If any of this sounds remotely familiar, this episode. I think it's gonna speak to you. why did I decide to talk about this? Well, I wanna share with you about a season of my life that I didn't realize at the time was connected to Scrupulosity. God had called me to be a watchman to intercede specifically from 2:00 AM to 3:00 AM every night. And this word from God was actually confirmed by different people who didn't know each other, and they didn't know that I had received this word. So you best believe that I took this seriously, like this was an assignment from God. Right. I couldn't let him down. This was in the time leading up to my young adult retreat, and in the process of engaging in, you know, my watchmen, timeframe, I was getting spiritually attacked. I had nightmares, a lot of, which actually showed me into the spirit realm and gave me spiritual insight on what to pray for. I experienced sleep paralysis almost every night. I wasn't getting much sleep at all, and this continued during the actual retreat too. One night during the retreat, I basically crashed. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I had an emotional breakdown because I was so sleep deprived, and I mean, you already don't sleep too much during retreats Anyway, on top of that, I found bedbugs in my bed the first night, so I definitely didn't sleep at all. Then Nothing says spiritual warfare, quite like literal bugs in your bed. I mean, come on. Can we become any more obvious Satan? Anyway, my friends were concerned and kept urging me to stop praying during that 2:00 AM to 3:00 AM window, but I kept insisting because God called me to do this. I felt obligated, like. This was an assignment God had given to me and I needed to see it through to the end. I feared disappointing God, he had entrusted me with something and I would completely squander the opportunity. I felt like such a bad steward. with my A-D-H-D-I already struggled so much with being consistent, disciplined, and having self-control. So this whole experience felt like it was actually reinforcing all of those negative thoughts that I already had about myself. after the meltdown, my friends stepped in and made me rest in the same way that I imagine God makes us lie down in green pastures like you're gonna rest. Some of them actually even took my place during the timeframe to ensure that intercessory prayer was still happening from 2:00 AM to 3:00 AM because they knew and understood how important this was to me. So my friends came in clutch. I truly rested for the first time in maybe a month or so, and when one of the leaders told me, I think God would be proud of you. You did a good job. I actually broke down crying and instead of feeling good, I felt a flood of guilt I felt like I didn't do a good job. I missed one day of intercessory prayer at 2:00 AM and in my mind, I had failed the assignment. Have you ever experienced that? Like you gave everything you had, push yourself to the brink and still feel like you failed? God. Looking back now, I can see the scrupulosity pattern, that fear of disappointing God, the compulsive behavior. I mean, in my case, it was staying up through the night no matter the cost, even if it cost me my health. The inability to receive grace and the crushing guilt for failing, even though I had pushed myself to the point of breakdown. Religious scrupulosity can show up in a lot of different ways as I go through these examples. Notice if any of them resonate with you too. So first intrusive thoughts. For instance, blasphemous thoughts that pop into your head during prayer or worship or quiet time terrifying you, that you've committed the unforgivable sin or a sin that you hadn't noticed, and then you spend hours, days, or weeks obsessing over whether that thought means something about your salvation. By the way, if you haven't listened to our previous episode on OCD, I'd recommend taking a listen to it because we went so much more in depth about it. Another is over confessing. Confessing the same sin repeatedly because you're not sure you did it right the first time, or you're fearful that you didn't mean it enough or. Confessing things that aren't even sins because you're terrified you might have sins and not realized it. So, you know, keep your bases covered by confessing everything compulsive Bible reading or prayer. Not out this desire or love, but out of fear. Like if you don't do it, something bad will happen. You'll get divinely punished, or God would be disappointed. This all becomes a checklist more than an actual relationship. Another big one is constant doubt about your salvation. Does this sound familiar? Like am I really saved? What if I am deceiving myself? What if I didn't mean it when I prayed that prayer? Maybe I need to get saved again, just to be sure. Fear of the unforgivable sin that I mentioned before. Obsessing over whether you blasphemy the Holy Spirit. Fun fact though, if you're worried about committing the unforgivable sin. Chances are you probably have not committed it. The very fact that you care means your heart is still soft toward God. Another is hypervigilance about sin, analyzing every thought, every word, and action to make sure that you're not sinning. It's exhausting. It's like having a full-time job as your own spiritual auditor.. Which of these have you experienced? Maybe all of them. Maybe just one or two. Whatever it is. Here's the trap. When you try to address these fears with more spiritual activities and disciplines, it actually reinforces the obsessive compulsive cycle. You think if I just pray harder, read the Bible more, confess better, whatever that means, then I'll have peace. But that piece never comes because scrupulosity isn't a spiritual problem. It's a mental health issue that hijacks your faith. So what are the lies that fuel religious scrupulosity? Lie number one, I have to try harder and do better to prove to God I'm good enough. The truth, you can't earn God's love. Ephesians 2, 8, 9 says, for it is by grace. You have been saved through faith, and this is not from yourselves. It is the gift of God, not by works so that no one can boast. It's already yours. Freely given, not because you're perfect or you're perfect, but because God is gracious. Line number two, having these intrusive thoughts and feelings is evidence that I'm sinful and bad. The truth and intrusive thoughts are not sin, they're symptoms of anxiety or OCD. Not reflections of your heart and Jesus, he knows the difference. I think it was Martin Luther who reportedly said The devil can't stop birds from flying over your head, but you can stop them from building a nest in your hair. You can't control what thoughts pop but you can choose not to entertain them. Line number three. If I stop doing all these spiritual disciplines, God will be so disappointed in me or something bad will happen. The truth, God's love for you is not, and I repeat, not contingent upon your performance. God isn't some task master keeping score. He's. Your Heavenly Father who delights in you. Remember Romans 8 38 to 39. Nothing can separate you from his love. That means not your performance or lack thereof, nothing. Which of these lies I just talked about have you in maybe take a second and acknowledge it. Not to shame yourself, but just to name it, because naming the lie is the first step to actually dismantling it. One of the hardest things about Scrupulosity is that it blurs the line between conviction in condemnation. So how do you tell the difference? This has been life changing for me, so I want you to really listen to this. Like if you're doing some activity, you're a little distracted, like take a seat. Listen to this conviction from the Holy Spirit, does the falling. It draws you closer to God. It's specific about the issue. For example, getting called out by the Holy Spirit for being unkind to that one person that gets on your nerves. It leads to godly sorrow and repentance. It brings hope and restoration. It feels like a loving father correcting you for your good. Now condemnation from the enemy on the other hand, or OCD pushes you away from God. It's vague and accusatory, for example, it just says you're just a bad person. You just suck. It leads to shame, fear, and despair. It feels relentless and never resolved. Like you're never doing enough. Romans eight, one says, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ If what you're hearing makes you feel condemned, it's not from God. Think about a time recently. When you felt that crushing weight of you're not good enough or you've messed up again, was it specific and drawing you closer to God or was it vague and pushing you further away from him, making you want to hide? That distinction matters because God doesn't condemn his children. He convicts us. Yes, but conviction always points us back to Jesus. Not away from him personally. I went through a period where God would speak something to me in my quiet time, like inviting me to rest and abstain from serving for a season, as I've told you multiple times across multiple episodes. And he told me this because I was so burnt out. Then what was being communicated through sermons and emphasized in my church culture at the time was the complete opposite. It was communicating serve more. There's a need in all these different ministries. I've even gotten your developmental psych. Go serve in children's ministry. There is a great need in that ministry. God loves a cheerful servant. It's better to give than to receive. So naturally I kept thinking that I was selfish. Even prideful for not wanting to hear these messages and sermons. Was I just being too stubborn? Was I just trying to rationalize my emotions to protect myself when God was trying to convict me and push me to serve more? have you ever been there where you think God is saying one thing, but everything around you is saying another, and then you start to question if you're just making excuses or even heard God correctly in the first place? This is where Psalms 1 39 became my absolute anchor search Me. Oh God. Test me and know my anxious thoughts, see if there's any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. King David asked God to search his heart to know his anxious thoughts and to see if there was any offensive way in him. God kept reassuring me that since I'm his child and I have the Holy Spirit living in me, I can hear God and so can you. The Holy Spirit knows the thoughts and heart of God, and he dwells in me. He dwells in you as his holy temple. That we are. God is patient. I deeply desire to know God's heart and obey. Then he will convict me. If applicable for the moment. So I started praying that prayer from Psalm 1 39, and if I didn't feel God convicting me, I'd tell myself, okay, then there isn't anything to address right now. even if I'm missing it, God is gracious to speak louder or tell me multiple times in multiple ways. He knows exactly. How to speak to me and how to get my attention. I had to believe that in faith, I also reminded myself that conviction has to be aligned with the heart of God and his character. If it was accusatory and brought about shame and distanced me from God, that was clearly condemnation. But if that Godly sorrow drew me closer to God and was clearly for my good. I saw it as conviction. I embraced conviction because if God was bringing it up in my heart, then it meant that he cared so much to break me free from whatever it was that he was convicting me of. I knew that God wouldn't expose something in me for no reason at all. It's always to make me more like him. And I came to recognize and actually even emotionally feel that this was a good thing, which genuinely made me feel grateful. So my recommendation to you, try praying Psalm 1 39, 23 to 24 this week. See what God shows you. And then trust that if he's silent on something you're worried about, Just maybe there's nothing there to worry about. Here's the scariest part about healing from religious scrupulosity. It involves facing your fears and anxious thoughts without, and I repeat without and engaging in your compulsive behaviors. To someone who struggles with religious OCD refraining from trying harder at spiritual disciplines, it almost feels wrong, or it feels blasphemous. Even the idea of it generates more fear and anxiety. What if I stopped doing all this and at the end of it, God is disappointed. What if something bad happens? Because I'm not praying enough. I'm not praying that prayer of protection over my family. What if I lose my salvation? The fear is real, and it feels like if you let go of those compulsions. You're being disobedient or careless with your faith. But here's the truth, my friend and I need you to really hear this. When you decide in faith to take God at his word and let go of the compulsions. That's when he's able to show you that even when you're not performing, producing constantly and unnecessarily repenting over things that you don't need to repent of even when you simply come as broken as you are. His love is truly unconditional. And his grace is sufficient for you. It's not on you to cure or to overcome this disorder. You just have to simply believe in faith in who Jesus says he is, and be willing to surrender your compulsions. And I know that that sounds terrifying. I know it feels like you're letting go of the very things keeping you safe, but those compulsions aren't keeping you safe. They're keeping you exhausted, tirelessly working for something that God has already given you. One John four 18 says. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear. God's perfect love for you drives out the fear that's been controlling you. So what would it look like for you to let go of one compulsion this week? Just one. Not all of them, because that can be pretty overwhelming, Maybe for you, it's not rereading that chapter in the Bible to make sure that you got it just in case. Maybe it's not confessing that same thing for the 10th time. Maybe it's trusting that God heard you the first time. Take the time after this episode to actually sit down with the Holy Spirit and ask him to show you. He wants you to surrender, and in the meantime, you know what time it is. Let's have a petty praise break. maybe your victory today is that you only confess the thing once instead of five times. Or you prayed without checking. If you meant it enough or you had an intrusive thought and didn't spiral for three hours, wondering if you're going to hell, whatever it is, that's, that is not small. That's huge of trust, there's still faith. Try it and watch him show up. I dare you. Let me tell you about a season that terrified me, but changed everything. And if you've been tuning into previous episodes, you probably heard this story already. So You are gonna have to listen to this again. It's purposeful, I promise. When I transitioned to my current church, God explicitly told me to refrain from serving for seven months, not because I was doing something wrong, but because he wanted to rebuild my worth on being his child instead of on what I could produce. That was terrifying because for me, serving was how I proved my worth to God. It was my compulsion, I was convinced that if I stopped serving, God would be disappointed. I'd lose connection with him. Somehow. I'd prove that I was lazy or selfish, but God said. Trust me. Let me show you who you are apart from what you do. And in those seven months, something beautiful happened. I grew deeper in my relationship with God and ironically God didn't actually leave me. I know. Spoiler alert, I should have led with that. Instead, he spoke to me more completely dispelling the lies I had believed that he'd leave me outta disappointment. He showed me that his love was not contingent upon my performance, that I was his daughter no matter what I was doing, whether I was serving or resting. That my worth was inherent, not earned. And that's what Grace does. It breaks the cycle of fear and compulsion and invites you into rest. Not the kind of rest that's lazy or irresponsible, but the kind of rest that says, you know, God, I don't have to earn your love. I can just receive it. Thank you so much. God. That's Sabbath rest. That's what Jesus meant when he said in Matthew 11 28 30. Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yolk is easy and my burden is light. Easy, light, not heavy, not exhausting. Not a constant test to see if you're doing enough. What would it feel like to live in that kind of rest? Not just know about it, but actually experience it if you're recognizing yourself in these patterns. I want you to know you're not a bad Christian. You're not lacking faith. You're not disappointing God. You're struggling with the mental health condition that's hijacked your faith and there is no shame in that. God is not standing over you with his arms crossed, waiting for you to get it right. He's sitting with you right next to you in the very mess that you're in whispering. You are already mine. You don't have to earn this wherever you are, just breathe and as you breathe, let this truth sink in. You are loved, not because of what you do, but because of who you are and whose you are. You're God's precious child. You don't have to keep white knuckling your way through spiritual disciplines out of terror. You can rest. You can breathe, you can come as you are. And he will still be there, not disappointed, not distant, but closer than ever. So what do you do if you're struggling with religious scrupulosity? One. Seek out professional help find a therapist who specializes in OCD and understands religious trauma. You can't think your way out of this. You need support. And again, there's no shame in that. God often works through people. He's equipped to help us. Two practice. Psalm 1 39. 23 to 24, Ask God to search your heart and then trust that if he's not convicting you, there's nothing to address in that moment. Number three, learn to distinguish conviction from condemnation. Does it draw you closer to God or push you away? That's your litmus test. And if it's difficult for you. Ask for a wisdom, ask for discernment because God promises that if any of us are lacking wisdom, we can just simply ask him and he'll give it to us in abundance. Number four, challenge those compulsions with the help of a therapist. Start exposing yourself to whatever situation you're fearful of, like not praying enough or for me, it was not serving for a period of time. And as you face that fear, face it without engaging in the compulsion. Let God prove that his love is not dependent on your performance of that compulsion. Number five, surround yourself with graceful people. Find a community that doesn't add to the burden, but actually helps you carry it. And if there truly isn't someone that fits the bill in your life right now, I'd love to work with you one-on-one and go through this journey with you. I'm giving away free one-on-one discovery calls to see if we're a good match. So if you're interested in that, take a look at the show notes for the link to sign up. Alternatively, and you can keep this in the back of your mind. I am building out an online community for a Christian woman just like you, just like me, who are highly sensitive and struggling to feel seen, safe, or heard, or feel a sense of belonging. It'll be a community where we can feel safe to be ourselves with one another and lovingly spur each other on in our growth in Christ. And when that community is ready for launch, I'll be sure to let you know. So stay tuned. I'm pretty excited about it. The first place that I'll be announcing it will be in my weekly personal letter. So if you're not on the list just yet, sign up and there's a link in the show notes for you to do that so you can keep up to date. And finally, number six, you've heard me say this so many times before and across all of my content, and I have repeated all the time because we have to hear things multiple times for it to finally sink in. Remember, you are loved. Full stop. Not because of what you do, but because of who you are and whose you are. God's precious child. Which one of these feels the most doable for you this week? Pick one again. Just one. Don't overdo it and take that first step, friend. You don't have to live in fear anymore. You don't have to walk on eggshells with God. You don't have to keep trying to earn a love that's already been freely given to you. Jesus didn't die on the cross so that you can spend your life terrified of disappointing him. He died so you could be free. Free from shame, free from fear free from the exhausting work of trying to be good enough. You already are good enough in Christ. So take that deep breath that your shoulders drop and hear him say your mind. You're safe, you're loved, and nothing, not your thoughts, not your struggles, not your fears can change that. Rest in that today my friend. And honestly, a part of healing from Scrupulosity or any kind of fear-based relationship with God is learning how to process your emotions with him instead of suppressing them or using spiritual practices to avoid them. For years, I thought if I just prayed more or read my Bible more, the fear would just go away. But what I really needed was to learn how to bring my fear, my anxiety, my intrusive thoughts, all of it directly to God without shame. If you wanna go deeper on this, if you want practical tools and steps for how to actually process your emotions God's way without shutting down and without spiraling, I created a free, I repeat free three Day Minicourse. It's called From Triggered to Anchored. It's everything I wish someone had taught me years ago. In this course, I talk about how to recognize what's really going on underneath your emotional reactions, how to feel your emotions with God instead of fighting them or using spiritual activities and disciplines to escape them. How to stay anchored in truth when fear and anxiety feel overwhelming. I made it specifically for a highly sensitive Christian woman who need more than surface level advice. You can sign up for it by clicking the link in the show notes. You don't have to keep living in fear, sis. There's freedom. And I'd love to walk with you in that as you step into it. And now my friend, receive the scrupulous girls benediction. May your meds be effective and your side effects be mild. May you feel God's nearness in your hiatus from serving or in your weaning off of an intense Bible study reading plan. May you remember that healing isn't linear. It's more like holy chaos with grace all throughout and may, you know, deep in your tired bones that you're not too much, not too broken or not too fearful. You are loved exactly as you are, and as you're becoming in Christ, go in peace and maybe delete that 10th. Did I send text to your pastor? You're good. Amen. Until next time, keep it real with real emotions, real healing, and real Jesus. Bye.