Confessions: We start where we ended...

This is a description of how this book came into being.

Transcript

Confessions

   I want to start this the way it ended. Bill spent the last three days of his cognition confessing to me. Periodically throughout our life together he would start a conversation with” I need to tell you something “His words usually sent fear throughout me. What he was about to say could just be life changing. He could be so serious and intense that it felt like he was burning me. He could be dark. This time I knew he would be gone within a matter of days. He was preparing to die.

 “Are we okay with each other?” he said over the last three years. 

And I’d respond, “Yes, don’t worry. We don’t have to go there, Chew. It’s been so long since we’ve even had an argument. Just let it alone.”

“Are you sure we are okay with each other?” he’d bring up out of the blue.

“Yes, We’re fine. Just rest.” I held his hand as I reassured him.

But the Tuesday before he died, I went to a restaurant with a friend for the first time in a long time. He called me up about an hour in and asked if I was okay. He didn’t sound right. I immediately left for home. He seemed okay but about a half hour into our conversation he said he couldn’t keep this a secret from me the way he did his blindness. He woke up completely disoriented. He couldn’t remember where he was or where I went to. He called out for me, and I didn’t come to him. I left the information on his food tray. He was alone, scared, and not himself mentally. I knew I could never leave the house again or his side until he died. He was so afraid.

I had a dream that night. Zayde came. He said to prepare myself. Bill wouldn’t survive past the beginning of July. Pop-Pop and Zayde would be there to take him in. It’s okay. He has to leave you. That body has become a prison ,Princess. It just won’t survive much longer. He’s held out for so long just to be with you. Be kind. Let him know you will be alright. You’ll live. He can come home.

By that Saturday, he had what I would term the beginning of the last truly strong days of thought. He asked me to please lay down next to him and just hold his hand. Everything hurt him by now. He tried to stay as still as possible.

And there it was,” Andy, I need to tell you something. Please don’t argue. We aren’t okay. I’m not fine with some of the things that I did to you. I need to set some things right. Just be quiet and listen.”

I knew he was saying goodbye. This was going to be the most gut wrenching three days of my life. He wasn’t going to leave anything off the table. He was going to go back to the first time he ever set eyes on me. I would have to listen to the details of that three-month split and that completely surreal decent into mental illness he put us through. I’d have to relive my miscarriages. I’d learn things I didn’t know. He had a long-standing relationship with my Pop-Pop, details I didn’t even suspect. I’d have to hear about Joe, Esther, and Emilio with details I didn’t want to trespass through. 

And then there was how he felt about me. I knew he loved me, we spent thirty- six years together, but I couldn’t bring myself to understand just how much. We went through too much in the beginning of our relationship. No matter how much we cared about each other there was still this small piece almost the size of a splinter by now that wondered if he felt trapped into being with me. Was I his actual choice to spend a lifetime with?  I debated that fact in my head our entire marriage.

He started off, day one clarifying that for me. And then he went on to every loose end that I might have or anyone else might. I didn’t say anything back to him. I just listened. It seemed as if someone or something was feeding him questions, he needed to answer. What follows is the pieces that he told me. It was a gift few people get to have from their dying loved one.  

I speak in two dialogs sometimes. We were so off with each other in the beginning. There was a lot of miscommunications. It’s important to me that those closest to me read it. He truly was an amazing person. So full of insight. He also was able to do something that I haven’t seen anyone else do. He fell, got back up and just enjoyed life to the fullest. He became so happy. For someone who once spoke about suicide as if his life was worthless, he held onto his life so far past it was reasonable that I just was in awe of him. He wanted to live until his last breath. Not because he was afraid there was nothing after but because he didn’t want to leave me alone. No one ever felt like that about me or will again.