Episode 34-The Beastmaster (1982) with Special Guest RYAN D'ANGELO!!!

HEY BEASTMASTER'S ON! Today is SUCH a special episode since we are debuting our very first VHS Sisters guest ( famous drummer/artist and fantasy enthusiast Ryan D'Angelo) to discuss the 1980s cable classic, The Beastmaster! We really spiral out on this one, covering many broad-ranging topics such as animal acting, the Bronze Age, psychic surgery, gratuitous nudity, bodybuilding, sexual consent, and the importance of soup and workplace safety. Do you remember the name of Dar's eagle? Tune in to see if we do!!!

Please leave all thoughts, feelings and grievances at VHSsisterspodcast@gmail.com

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:08

Welcome to VHS Sisters, a nostalgic movie podcast with two actual real life sisters. I'm Melanie and I'm Stacia. Get into some comfy clothes, grab your favorite beverage, and come hang out with us as I forced my little sister to watch all the movies she missed growing up. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. What a special day, everybody. Welcome again to another exciting episode of VHS Sisters. And today is also such a special day because today is the day where we have our very first guest on the podcast. And this guest is none other than my husband.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

Mark Singer.

SPEAKER_02 0:58

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mark Singer. He's still alive, I think. He's still alive. Is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's still alive. Yes. Tanya Roberts, Kiri is not, however. She really recently passed, yeah, very sadly and suddenly that's awful. Of sepsis, I believe. No, yeah, but listen, it do be taken people. It do be taken people. It's a sneaky, sneaky disease. I can't even begin to start talking about this podcast, starting with sepsis. It's fucking sneaky, I'm telling you. You go in for one thing and all of a sudden you got sepsis, and that's it. Disgusting. That's why you should never go to a hospital. Unless you have sepsis, then get treated. Then go then go right now. Wow, we're starting strong today. Um, if you couldn't guess already, we today are talking about the fine fantasy film to continue our theme of spring fantasy in April. Today we are talking about the 1982 film The Beastmaster. And I never call this movie The Beastmaster, it's always just Beastmaster. Beastmaster. And as I said, we have a very special guest with us today, listeners. Today, my husband Ryan is here with us. He's our very first podcast guest. He is not a VHS sister, but he's a he's a sister fan. That is true. He's a he's an original sister lover, at least to one of us. Well, you you you love Melanie as well. That's right. That's right. We here in law. That's that is your sister-in-law, and we are family. So it feels good today to have this warm, wonderful family dynamic as we discuss the beastmaster from 1982. And I, listeners, I just want to lead with I wanted to bring Ryan on today because I would say uh he is our resident Beastmaster expert. And I say that because you grew up on this film. I did. Right. And I also grew up on this film, but Melanie and I often talk about that there are just movies that are always on and you kind of absorb them as a child, but do you ever like fully sit down and watch the thing in its entirety? And for me, Beastmaster is that. Let's start with Melanie. She's she's the newbie to this because I'll be easy because I've got zero, zero memories of this movie. I will say, like the um the cover art or the poster perhaps is iconic, and I kind of have like seen similar ones. I know we had just watched another iconic film with great font that that specific type of graphic design that sticks with you, but like, have I ever watched any of these? No. So this was my first time, and uh I have a lot of thoughts. Yeah, so you never you never caught this on TBS or HBO. No, and it famously ran in syndication on both. I I don't even know if you'd call it syndication.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

Yeah, it was just always on HBO.

SPEAKER_02 4:31

It was always well, this I I said this trivia during our last fantasy film, which was Dragon Slayer, which Melanie and I just watched. We discussed, we I found out that she had never seen Beastmaster, and I explained that HBO, well, you you you explain.

SPEAKER_01 4:50

Uh yeah, so I I only found this out recently where they used to say HBO stood for hey Beastmaster's on. And I thought that was hilarious because it was always on.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

And then also on TBS, they used to call it the Beastmaster Station. I'm not joking, yeah. And there was a point, you may not know this trivia, Ryan, that in 1989 they said that Beastmaster was on TV every single day on one channel or another in 1989. That's incredible. Every single day is crazy, every single day. So yeah, this is going to my memories. This is not one that I would have like sat down and locked in on, but I was always like very aware of Beastmaster on TV. It was always on, and you're just like, Oh, here's Mark Singer with a a tiger that's dyed black. Yeah. Um, yeah, and and here's Tanya Roberts with her full bush out at one point. And yeah, we're we're gonna get into it. There's a lot of there's a lot of memories here. I remember enjoying the animals as a kid, I remember wanting ferrets. I remember mom saying I couldn't get ferrets because they smelled bad, which is true, which is true. Yeah, they are stinky little rodents, but so cute. They are very cute. One of my closest friends as a kid, she had a ferret, so I grew up with a ferret nearby. They're so cute. How about you, Ryan?

SPEAKER_01 6:32

You know, of course I wanted the satchel full of ferrets. Why not? They were endearing, and I just I did want to pet one when I was a kid, and I because I don't think I'd ever seen ferrets until that movie.

SPEAKER_02 6:49

This was the movie that introduced you to ferrets.

SPEAKER_01 6:51

I think so. It wasn't like you know, a widely known like no one had them as pets. So seeing them on TV, you're like, oh, what is that? Is that a weasel?

SPEAKER_02 7:01

That was a ferret. So, Ryan, I'll ask you what was your first uh time watching Beastmaster? Do you remember? Was it in the movie theater? Was it on VHS? Was it on Betamax? Was it on laserdiscs?

SPEAKER_01 7:17

Why it was on HBO.

SPEAKER_02 7:19

Fantastic.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

I don't I don't remember ever seeing it advertised for the theater, and I think I was 11 or 12 when I saw it. So yeah, it was just one of those, like, oh, what is this? and just turned it on. And uh yeah, the rest is history. Yeah, look at look at this lithe man with a sword and a dyed black tiger.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

He is a very Mark Singer is a very lithe man. I would you have also at this point, would you have seen Conan the Barbarian at this point, or did that come later?

SPEAKER_01 7:56

I think that was later because I think Conan was R.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

So I definitely Conan is definitely R. And this was PG, yeah, which is crazy, which is crazy because there are full titties, lots of titties, lots of titties. You do see a full vag flash. I just want to say, I don't know if you clocked that, Mal. Oh, I did, I did, especially, you know, I was like, whoa, titties, because I'm watching it. I watched it on Pluto, which is free, but there was no like shout out Pluto, shout out Pluto every time. But I was like, okay, here are these women about to go swimming, and I'm like, wait a second, they're full, you know, and even before that, during the raid scene, there was a lady running for for her life essentially, and her titties be bouncing, you know what I'm saying? Yes, of course, they do bounce, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, you see, yeah, it's so going back to the raiding system, yeah. I think this would have been a lot of kids' first introduction to swords and sorcery. Melanie asked me a very good question in the last pod with Dragon Slayer. Was that my first, like sort of dark fantasy movie? And I think it was like my first live action. Oh. Um, but I would consider this more of like a sword and sorcery movie. It does have both. It does have swords and sorcery. What were you just like getting into your memories a little bit more before we start to break down what we loved and didn't love about this movie? Um, yeah, what like do you remember your memories as a child? Like, what were the things you were just like, oh, this is cool, other than the ferrets, of course. Yeah, I liked um I just like that whole feeling of you know, okay, he's on an adventure, he has to find out basically, you know, what happened to oh well, he's on the search for the the Raiders, the the Jesus, yeah, the Jun the June, the June with I I I always figured like they just wanted to say Huns, but they couldn't because that would be racist. Yeah, letter of like let's just change one word, Junes, yeah. Is it Juns or Junes? I think it's Juns. I think you're right. Well, let's just say Juns. Let's commit to Juns. But yes, you were saying you you liked the fact that he was going after, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:21

He's on a revenge quest.

SPEAKER_02 10:23

He wants to avenge his family, his and his dog, dog, yes, his dog Toto, which is T-O-D-O, not T-O-T-O.

SPEAKER_01 10:35

The different Toto, different Toto, yeah. That was. I don't remember if I cried at the dead dog, but it was certainly like we probably got some some mistiness happening in the old eyeballs when I saw that as a kid. And I was like, oh, his dad and his dog are dead.

SPEAKER_02 10:57

They started out real rough in this supposed children's movie that we were all subjected to in the 80s.

SPEAKER_01 11:05

But I think like, yeah, just from like you know, it's a very hot open, it's like, oh, they're transferring this child into this water buffalo or ox or whatever it is. And I was just like, oh my god, I was like, this movie's great.

SPEAKER_02 11:21

Wait, so you did love the psychic surgery that the old witch performed on the sleeping woman to put her fetus in a cow.

SPEAKER_00 11:32

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 11:32

So when that baby was birthed out of the cow C section, he had druidic powers.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they branded the baby.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

So so what you're saying is that you loved you loved the element of child abuse and child sacrifice right from the get. You were in at 12. You were like, you know what? This is for me.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

That's right. Like, this is excitement. I'm down. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 12:04

Incredible. So great. Yeah, no, it's like you said it, it is it is a very hot open. Um, yeah, this movie's crazy right from the get. And I think it's important to note before we start getting into it. This this is a film that was made by Don Coscarelli, who we know, Melanie probably doesn't know from the Phantasm series of horror movies. Have you seen any of those? No. Yeah, I assume not. They're more like culty horror films, they're they're pretty good. Um, they're more like, how would you describe Phantasm?

SPEAKER_01 12:39

Not to sidebar too hard, but I feel like Yeah, the the first one, it's uh just vibes. It's like real creepy and like it just gives off this feeling of like, oh, this is like ominous, you know, something something weird is going on here. So um another another like story about a young boy.

SPEAKER_02 12:59

A young boy on a quest with uh to find his dead brother, and then there's some creepy ghouls.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

Yeah, a lot of creepy ghouls and a real tall man.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

Yeah, yeah. It's it well we'll what when we maybe when we'll do uh if we make it to Halloween again. If we all for a Halloween special, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

Maybe we'll do a phantasm and deadly flying silver balls with all kinds of blades and contraptions.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

Wow. Yeah, it's it's it's very bizarre. But yeah, Don Coscarelli is known best. That was like his first that was the first thing he ever did. And this was like his response, I think, to Conan and like all the other sword and sorcery movies of the time. I think he was just like, yeah, I want to make a fantasy film. And I know, like after watching the DVD Blu-ray that we have from The Vinegar Syndrome, I'm holding it up. The very, very cool addition, and also there's a lot of special features on it. He talks about loving like pulp novels, like we were talking about before, like these fantasy pulp novels. And he's like, Well, I wanted to make my own world, which was sort of like bronze age inspired. So I don't know if you got that from the movie, Melanie, like how it's it's a little less like medieval Europe, but it was like to me, it reads a little more like Aztec Native American kind of yeah. I don't know, like what vibes were you getting like from the beginning of the movie? Well, I thought like it kind of reminded me a lot of Conan, and I'm kind of wondering when did that movie come out versus this movie, or was it like the same year, or was it Ryan? Real quick, what year did Conan the Barbarian come out? Um 83? It came out '82, the same year. So I think the Hollywood thing that sorry, go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

They could have fought.

SPEAKER_02 15:00

They could Conan, yeah. Who would win? Mark Singer or Arnold? Well, if I was gonna say, if uh he didn't bring along his animal friends, I'd say Arnie for sure. Yeah, no, I would destroy. Even yeah, even Conan up against like a full tiger, which we're supposed to believe is a leopard, probably probably won't do too well.

SPEAKER_01 15:23

Yeah, I mean Conan had all that training behind him too. So poor Mark Singer just had his father to train him.

SPEAKER_02 15:30

That's true. Yeah, no, Conan had the wheel of pain. He was he was doing strength and conditioning. It looks like Mark Singer, who who plays Dar the Beastmaster, he's a little bit more of a cardio queen, right? He's he's still pretty jacked. I I was wondering, did he ever was he like a bodybuilder or anything like that? No, I well, I think he must have like bodybuilt, right? Like he was hitting the gym. He did something. Um, I did a little bit of research. I know that he did a lot of martial arts. Okay, that that tracks. He was definitely more of like a conventional actor, like he did theater, he was on Dallas. Ryan knows him from another show. Oh, V. V, yeah, that was a show in the 70s. Yeah, no, he definitely had more of like, how do I want to say, yeah, more like a martial arts kind of like general fitness background. He wasn't a professional bodybuilder who had won Mr. World like seven, ten times. Um uh yeah, no, no, like Arnold was like the champion of champions until Ronnie Coleman unseated him in the 90s. Don't get me started on botting, I will just go off. Yeah, Mark Singer, definitely a more like fit and toned kind of guy. What did you how did you feel about or the Beastmaster, Mel? We have to start with the hot questions. Oh, like in Oh, like how if I thought he was hot or not. Listen, smash or pass, Beastmaster. Pass, but the body, the body is tea. Your body is tea, yeah. I mean, it's like that's why I was wondering. I'm like, he could be like 12 weeks out from a competition if he really stuck with it. He was also very probably, I'm assuming, heavily spray tanned for this movie. So, like, you know, the outlines and everything. I was like, okay, you know, but he uh uh Dar as Beastmaster, I don't know, he was a little too uh aggressive for my liking. Uh and we'll get to that. We'll get to that. Yeah. I upon this last rewatch, I was like, oh, there's uh there's some vibes that he's given that I'm not really looking to pick up here. No, no, no, just no consent whatsoever. No consent. And we love a king who consents. I have to say, I mean, not to bounce back to Conan, but Conan doesn't really know what consent is either. They just take what they want. Sure. Sure. Yeah, they do. Uh they do. Indeed, they do.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

They have their sword, they want their woman, and they're gonna get it.

SPEAKER_02 18:11

You heard it from my husband first. Okay. As I say, controversial yet brave opinion is uh, you know, Conan can take it, but Beastmaster, he cannot. That's very brave of you to say so on a recorded podcast that everyone will hear. But you know what? You're putting, you're putting, you're putting, you gotta put out what you want to get back, you know.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Uh just picture them, you know, they're uh a simple people from the plains, the dirt plains, the hills, I guess. You know, they weren't really uh a learned people.

SPEAKER_02 18:47

So so you're you're saying that they get an excuse because there were no books back then.

SPEAKER_01 18:52

I'm not no, I'm not giving them an excuse, but I'm you're saying it's okay. They were ignorant. I'm not saying it's okay.

SPEAKER_02 19:00

Look, I didn't bring you on my podcast to defend men, okay? We we do not, I just want to say we don't center men on this podcast, we don't, and we're gonna continue to not center men. So just because you've brought your masculine energy here doesn't mean we have to play along. Understood. Well, I'm thinking Beastmaster, right? He's kind of part beast, so the way he kind of moves is a little more animalistic. So uh yeah, he's not exactly asking permission for things, I guess because he is born of ox. Yeah, he is, yeah. And you know what? Oxes don't ask for consent. No, they don't, they just fucking take it, I guess. Sorry, all right. We're starting off real good today. This is what I knew. We'll get the three of us together in a pot, it's gonna be real, real upsetting. Real wild. Yeah, the beginning of this movie is wild's. Um, we we get some very strong made-for-tv vibes right in the beginning. I think yeah, the font, it's it is not on the dragon slayer font level. I know I believe that that's it's very much like nerdy kid wrote this in his notebook. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they didn't have that budget. No, I think yeah, I think this was made for like a cool four mil. So not like a ton, but uh yeah, so we get this hot open and we Ryan, why don't you start us off? What happens in the very beginning of The Beastmaster? So if I recall um Mayax, is it? Mayax, yes, played by the legendary Rip Torn.

SPEAKER_01 20:42

That's right, with his prosthetic nose. Um he I guess it's a prophecy that the firstborn of the king, I don't remember his name. Uh he King Z. King Zed, yes, thank you. Yeah, like I guess his downfall will be at the hands of the firstborn of King Zed, and he wants to put a stop to it. So he has the witch go and you know transfer that baby into the ox.

SPEAKER_02 21:10

Which seems like very elaborate. It's very it's like a very elaborate scheme, like they couldn't have just carved the baby right out of the sleeping king's wife.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

That would have been a lot easier.

SPEAKER_02 21:21

I don't know why they had to brand the baby and then there was a whole elaborate process, and we know Mayax worships the Scott. Is it R?

SPEAKER_03 21:31

A R.

SPEAKER_02 21:32

A R. And so it's like, is that R's whole thing? Like, do we need this sort of like transfer magic? Like, do we have to like we can't just like do a thing directly? It's like very passive aggressive. Maybe it's all a test.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

He's like, R is putting Max to the test. Be like, how how far are you gonna go, bro?

SPEAKER_02 21:55

Maybe so.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

Yeah, yeah. Uh you're gonna throw more kids in the fire? Are you gonna Take this baby and put it in an ox and then stab it.

SPEAKER_02 22:03

Yeah, no, there's straight up there is a lot of child murder in this movie. And a lot of religious concern for unborn children. Like the child must be unborn. So, I mean, technically, if you're born cesarean, are you unborn? Well, that's like that is that is a great point you bring up. And that is something that has been brought up in works of great literature, including Macbeth. Yeah. That's like a whole plot thing. It's like, yeah, an a a child, like how do they put it? Like a child who was never born or something. And as this, yeah, it's it's very like it is very Shakespearean. And I know Don Cascarelli, he took this this screenplay as an adaptation of a book that's actually called The Beastmaster. And it's it's adapted. I mean, it changed some stuff, but yeah, it it it was like one of those pulp novels before he's like, Great, I've got enough here for a whole ass movie. So yeah, so they he the witch who honestly also body is tea. Face is face is uh, yeah, no, faces what did the kids say? Chopped, cooked, chopped, face is chopped, face is cooked, as I say, burnt literally. I laugh so hard my head bones came off. Yeah, she's definitely burnt butterface, yeah. No, she's not looking good. Which all the witches, they need some exfoliant, yeah, they need to lay off the plastic surgery. It's too much. Yeah, you gotta you can't get that cheap Mexico filler, you gotta get the good stuff.

SPEAKER_01 23:46

Well, you I mean, the magic takes its toll.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

That's wow, that's a great point. Yeah, no, like this unnatural magic has a a cost, and now their faces are all shaggy and shit.

SPEAKER_01 23:57

Yeah, you gotta pay the piper.

SPEAKER_02 23:58

But yeah, body is tea, all their bodies look great, and yeah, so they they take the unborn child out of the queen, they put that baby in an ox, rip the baby out of the ox, brand it, and then a nice villager man sees this child sacrifice happening and and just chops that witch down.

SPEAKER_01 24:21

That's right, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

And then do you remember? And that little baby, of course, is our beastmaster Dar, who has our hero. And what is what is Ryan? What is special about Dar? Uh, he can commune with the animals, he sure can. I mean, Melanie, how did you feel about like the fact that the Beastmaster has these special powers? Listen, Druid is my favorite class, I'm sure, as you guys know. So, to me, this is a fantasy that I still have and it has ever since I have had memories, but to be able to, you know, communicate with animals, to like have them recruit them as your friends, as like you know, creatures to fight with you. That's so cool. Like it is such a cool premise, and so I was excited to kind of see where it went. Um obviously, Dar he gets picked up by his his adoptive dad. Dad's kind of training him a little bit as he's becoming like a young boy, and uh they're like in the woods somewhere, and all of a sudden a bear comes out like big bear, which I wasn't sure if it was a real bear. It looked like it was a real bear, and then it was like a person in a suit. Oh, it was a real bear, and I have a story about that bear real quick. Do tell. So I saw this on the special features. There was one bear in Hollywood at the time in the early 80s who was like a Russian bear who was eight feet tall. And that was the only bear that they had. So if you saw a bear in a movie from the early 80s, that was the bear. Was the bear's name? I don't know what the bear's name was, but apparently he was pretty ungovernable. And when they brought him out in that first scene, he attacked his trainer, and the trainer had to get medical assistance. And then once they'd taken the trainer to the hospital, they turned to Mark Singer and what and they were just like, Okay, let's just keep going with the shot. You know, exactly. They were just like, Oh my god, let's keep rolling because we only got four mil. Like, we gotta, we we're losing light. We don't have this bear all day, we're losing light. Yeah, no, so Mark Singer was like, Okay, I guess we're gonna do this. So, yeah, they did the bear scene. So, yeah, if the bear scene looked a little funny, it was because they had they had to edit a little bit, but it wasn't it wasn't even his turn, it was young, it was young dar who had to right. Oh, that's true. Yeah, young young Dar was there. He's a bear. There you go. Yeah, put a hamburger in your pocket and see what happens. It's fine. So yeah, Young Dar in the movie is able to convince the bear to go away with his psychic animal powers, yeah. Um, and then his dad is like instantly knows that he's special, and he's like, no one can know about this because you're you're a special little freak boy. And I love you, and I love my I love my gay son.

SPEAKER_01 27:24

Uh so yeah, what happens that so yes, we we we see basically skip high school, he goes straight to college, and then it's uh he's out there hunting or gathering, and then the Juns come into the village and wreak havoc.

SPEAKER_02 27:45

Yeah, they they um they they bring in the opposition pretty quick.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

So here's the bad guy, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:52

You can you can tell like Darz had a pretty idyllic teenhood. He's probably still supposed to be a teen at this point, but he's like he's a man who's like fully 35, like any show in Hollywood, you know. Yeah, no, they I mean honestly, yeah, all all like high school shows used to be like think of movies like Greece. So, like, yeah, 30, 35. You're you're great to play a high school kid. It's fine. So that makes me feel so young. I was gonna say, yeah, you could totally still play a high schooler, absolutely. Uh, so we see the the Juns attack, we see them kill everybody, uh, his his beautiful white dog Todo. Toto who looks like Scratch from Baldur's Gate, another Baldur's Gate mention.

SPEAKER_01 28:45

I wonder if that's a direct reference.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

I wonder, he does look like Scratch from Baldur's Gate. Yeah, he's like a beautiful white shepherd. He ends up with an arrow in his side. I just made a note. I was like, I know it's supposed to be harrowing, and I don't think it affects me as much in this part. Usually I'm very upset about a dog death, but you can just tell this dog is having the time of his life. His tongue is lolling out, he's wagging his tail, and he's got a little fake arrow stuck in his side. I was like, look at him go, and he's pulling him to safety. Like, what a trusty old boy. Did you love that part when his dog saved him? I didn't. It made me really sad because he got arrowed. Yeah, but he he the last thing he did was help his master. It's true, but like I wonder the dog acting. I wonder if they uh did give the dog some like gabapentin at the end because it's like he was very he was very limp when he was carrying him.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

Oh, yeah, they dosed that dog.

SPEAKER_02 29:48

I was gonna say the dog had to have been dosed because that is really I'm like, there's no way they killed the dog. No, I mean it was the early 80s they did dose that dog. Yeah, no, he was very floppy, and it's so funny because there's a shot when Dar wakes up to find like everybody dead, but there's like they do one shot where they have Toto on the ground, and it's literally like a picture. It's like the it's it's just like a frame. You see him lying there, and I'm like, did they they just couldn't get a shot of him lying still when he wasn't like breathing though? It's probably so hot, probably. Yeah, no, shout out actor, dog actor who played Toto. Still alive. Oh, yeah, he's definitely still alive, and it's fine. And no dog has ever died, and it's fine. Uh, so yeah, let's uh let's fast forward a little bit. We gotta get through a lot of stuff.

SPEAKER_01 30:39

So, yeah, then I guess okay, so yeah, Dar finds his father's sword and he's like, This is mine now, and I'm gonna go on the search for revenge. Classic fantasy classic revenge, and uh is that when he stumbles upon what's her face at the bathing pool, or does he encounter anything?

SPEAKER_02 30:58

Well, first he he meets some new friends along the way.

SPEAKER_01 31:04

Oh, that's true.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

The ferrets, oh the quicksand, yeah, because he goes into a pit of quicksand, which like in every 80s and 90s movie or show there was quicksand at some point. We thought it was gonna be so so much more of a danger than it actually is. That's true. Kids who grew up in the 80s and 90s, we thought quicksand was literally everywhere. We did, and we had to like I remember like looking it up being like, How do I survive if I fall into quicksand? Uh and he's not doing it very like, yeah, no, he he leaves the his village, which has totally been genocided, and he immediately like falls down a hill into quicksand. That's right. And is like, OMG, what am I gonna do? His little ferret buddies come on to help him, which he just like met.

SPEAKER_01 31:53

It's not like he had them as right.

SPEAKER_02 31:55

Yeah, that he can communicate with them, right? Like he's you know, he can he can kind of speak to them.

SPEAKER_01 32:00

He's like, Hey buddy, come down here and chew this branch so I can get out of here.

SPEAKER_02 32:05

So he's got these ferrets, and like one of the ferrets falls into the quicksand, which really screamed. Yeah, I know. I know. How did you feel about that? That I was upset, I was very upset. I did not want anything to happen to the I was like, I you can't, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Like, I know there's two of them, but that you cannot kill an innocent little thing again, it just happened, you know? And so uh he gets them out after, of course, the ferret helps him, he helps the ferret, yep, and then other friends. Love the sheer lack of creativity with the name. So he had Todo, the dog who had passed, and he goes, Oh, here are my new friends. You're gonna be Kodo and Podo. He did not, you know what? Dar did not get any book learning. He's we we we know he he might be a little bit he's feral, feral, yeah. That's a good way to put it.

SPEAKER_01 33:01

Yeah, they did not have a library in that village.

SPEAKER_02 33:04

No, no, no, not in those stupid stick hut houses, yeah. Like where was the flood? Like, I don't understand. Yeah, I think that what had happened was is that they had a whole village and they so more movie trivia. They they were gonna film this in Mexico, they couldn't get the money, and so they ended up filming it in the Simi Valley in California. Do you know where that is? No, is that by Coachella or something? Uh kind of sorta, yeah. It's like outside of LA, and they didn't realize that semi is like S-I-M-I, it's it's like an old Native American word that means wind. Oh it's so fucking windy there that and hot. It's hot and windy. So they had all this stuff built and it all blew down. So they were like, best we can do is a bunch of sticks to indicate a village, and that's all we're doing. So it's got like a bit of a high school theater vibe about it. Um, yeah, so he finds Kodo and Podo, and he also finds he finds uh ruhted. Well, doesn't he find the eagle first? Oh, probably, yeah. The eagle doesn't have a name, the eagle is just there. The eagle does have a name though, but I don't think he ever says it. He doesn't. I would have written it down. Yeah, no, I had to look it up. I did so much research on this movie. So the eagle companion of Dar in the 1982 movie The Beastmaster is named Sharak. Sharak is a golden eagle to whom Dar shares a telepathic bond helping him navigate, scout, and fight.

SPEAKER_01 34:46

That's right.

SPEAKER_02 34:47

Yeah, he can warg. He he is, he's warging totally. Yeah, like you can see, you know, George RR Martin was watching this shit on TBS back in the day, jerking it. We he loved this shit. He's like, Oh, I got a really great idea. Look at all these, look at all this bush. Yo, look at this, but yeah, no, for real. Like, all the vibes are there, right? Warging, rape, it's it's in there. Swords, swords, and so and and sort of low magic, you know, yeah, weird creatures, child sacrifice, child sacrifice, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, honestly, you're a fucking hack, Martin. Finish your book, finish your fucking book series already. Anyway, stealing from the stolen. So basically, Dar has gathered his whole animal crew. How does he find Ru?

SPEAKER_00 35:47

He's in a or is it R? R.

SPEAKER_02 35:51

I think it's I think it's Ra. It's R-U-H, yeah. It's tiger. That's all I he's not a tiger, he's a leopard. I thought he was like a liger or a a jiger, jaguar tiger. Oh, that's right. So he finds he finds Ru tied up and he's being like tortured.

SPEAKER_01 36:11

Yeah, I think he's in a pit, and then there are a couple bad dudes there, and no, he's tied to a stick.

SPEAKER_02 36:18

He's yeah, he's he's in a pit later. Yeah, but he's in a pit later, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're remembering differently. I am. Well, I wrote, I'm like, it's like a black tiger question mark, question mark, and then I was like, okay, animal count at seven. So we're doing good. We're doing good. That's why I was like, We we gotta let Melanie watch this one because there are way more pets. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 36:40

We need more beasts in this beast master thing.

SPEAKER_02 36:44

Truly, there could have been more. There could have been more, absolutely. Yeah, they they had, I feel like all the budget went to the tiger who again they they wanted a leopard. Specifically, Don Coscarelli wanted a leopard because I think in the book it was like a Black Panther or something that Dart actually had, and he was informed by actual Hollywood animal trainers that you cannot work with leopards, specifically black leopards, because they're very skittish, they don't like respond to training. I mean, the reason why like people in circuses use lions and tigers is because they're more trainable, even though they're like your king, yeah. Like they're they're a little more docile, they're a little more trainable. But what they did was you, I mean, you tell, I don't want to tell all these, but you know this story. What did they do to the tiger?

SPEAKER_01 37:37

Oh, they used like Lady Clair all to die, to die this poor animal.

SPEAKER_02 37:42

Oh my god, they dyed the animal black. Actually, there were four tigers and they dyed them all black. That's like animal testing on a next level, yeah. Yeah, I think that it was 1982, and they were just like, I want a black animal, and I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. Yeah, got the sword, I'm gonna get it. But they weren't very happy with the end result because the way the sun hit the fur, like you can't hide those stripes. Yeah, no, it looked cool though. It was a cool effect. He definitely seemed kind of like a mythical creature, yeah. And I I think I think there was like an urban legend that was going around that like the die like killed one of them, but I don't think that's true. I think, yeah, it's it's not yeah, no, I I've I've looked into this, it's not true. All the tigers were fine, it's so they say it well. It's funny because in the special featured DVD thing that I watched, Mark Singer talks a lot about working with the animals, and he literally was like a real life beastmaster. Uh, Ryan was watching a little bit with me, and and he seemed very respectful to the animals, right?

SPEAKER_01 38:58

Yes, uh, especially with the eagle, he seemed to have uh an experience with the eagle where he's staring into the eyes, and the eagle took him away into a special realm.

SPEAKER_02 39:12

He was he was describing his first time meeting the eagle, and he said, I looked into the eagle's eyes, and the eagle showed themselves to me. And I think I think I think Mark Singer was on some really good mushrooms back in the day. Doing some fine coke or something. He was having a site, he like literally described having a psychic connection with the bird. And when he talked about the tiger, he said the main tiger's name was Kipling, and they had he's like, Oh, yeah, whenever the tiger was on screen, I was just trying to make him the star. And he was just like, I wasn't, you know, like we were all very like respectful of him and like because you really can't like tell them what to do, right? You know, kind of like dangle a little steak, but you better watch out, yeah. But he, yeah, Mark Singer comes across, he came across to me as sort of a guy who was very like hippie in touch with nature and very like respectful, and sort of like the way white men sort of like get into like Native American culture in California, you know. And I was like, you know what? I think you were well cast because you could tell he was really into it. Oh, yeah, and and that's acting actually his ass off in this, I will say. Yeah, you liked his acting in this, he was very convincing. Yeah, he yeah, once he gets all of his animal friends, I believe that's when he meets Kiri, correct?

SPEAKER_01 40:30

Yeah, yeah, and then he uses the tiger to assault her.

SPEAKER_02 40:35

Well, he uses the ferrets to draw her out because they steal her clothes because she's naked, she's fully naked. Um, and body tea, face tea, she's serving R.I.P. queen. Yeah, she looks great. Yeah, her eyes are like crazy. Her her, like, I'm not I'm not thinking that she's putting on an accent, but like her tone of voice is really soothing, but it kind of sounds almost like a I don't know, I want to say like a Californian style accent or something. It's really like phone sex kind of quality to it, too. I don't know, there's something about it. I mean, as a teen boy growing up in the 80s, like, yeah, did you think Tanya Roberts was did you think she was a baddie?

SPEAKER_01 41:21

Yeah. Yeah, I thought she was hot, especially at 12 years old watching this movie. Oh, hell yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:30

It began your look at this, your uh lifelong passion for alternative looking redheads. Don't look at me like that. Don't look at I'm cutting this out. Um, but yeah, no, Tanya, yeah, body is tea. Yeah, she's got yeah, really, yeah, like you said, a very kind of smoky voice. It's funny because they wanted Demi more initially for that part. Okay, I could see that too. Also has a very husky voice, and they were like, No, she sounds like too deep, like next to Dar. And I was just like, whatever. But I feel like Tanya really worked it, and she looked great, she really stood out um against like all the bait. There's a lot of beige and gold and brown in this movie. Yeah, so yeah, no, she was the whole scene where she's introduced, and you know, like you you were saying before, his vibes are a little how would you say Melanie? Non-consensual, yeah. He right now, I said they were animalistic, yeah. He's just going in right for the kill. He's like, All right, I think you're hot, let's do this. He's like rocks. I was gonna say, um, what like what Ryan was saying, he uses well, he uses the tiger as well as bait being like, it's like don't move if the beast can sense your fear or something like that. And so, like, he's got her real close to him, and then he's like throwing her on the floor and starting to like bump and grind. I'm like, what are we doing? You she was about to face death, and you're literally like on top of her. It's just weird, yeah. So I was like, oh, yeah, no, he loses points for that. He's using fear as a way to manipulate her to like bone, and honestly, it's not it's not cute, but it was.

SPEAKER_01 43:19

I mean, you know, yeah, but then he finds out that she's a slave at this temple, I guess Mayax's temple, the temple of R. And I think basically he's like, I'm gonna free you from this slavery.

SPEAKER_02 43:32

Yeah, he sees her scars, and there's like there's some real choice dialogue exchange. She's like, I'm a slave, and he's like, they whip you like a beast, and then she gets up, and I swear to god, she gets up, flashes her full vagine, and has not no panties on, not not a one. Like you you see everything, and I don't know if they do you know, like did they just see that? And like not catch it, or they're just like, just keep rolling, maybe just keep rolling. This wasn't a Weinstein production. Javi Weinstein calling Javi Weinstein.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

Because I know she's in the pond and she does have bottoms on, so I don't know. Maybe they just shifted. Does she, or is that her bush? No, there's like, I mean, I don't know how many edits or takes they had to do. Maybe, maybe she forgot the channel.

SPEAKER_02 44:25

Did you look at another woman's bush?

SPEAKER_01 44:28

At a very young age.

SPEAKER_02 44:30

This is this is not the content I wanted for this pod. This is not appropriate.

SPEAKER_01 44:36

I'm sorry out there in podcast land.

SPEAKER_02 44:39

Uh moving on.

SPEAKER_01 44:40

Moving on. Let's go.

SPEAKER_02 44:41

Oh, damn. Okay. Yeah, we have a whole movie to get to. Yeah, yeah, no. We gotta, we gotta it's a long ass movie, too. Like two hours. It's a solid two. Yeah. Although, like it does, we do get a little lost in the sauce, like towards the end, too. After this, doesn't he run into the creepy bat people? Yes. I think after this, yeah, he's he's trekking across the land and he comes upon a strange area where you you think they're creepy bat people.

SPEAKER_01 45:14

That's what I thought, because they've got like weird bat wings, and they're like glorking up people, they're slurping them up, but yet they like worship an eagle, they have like an eagle statue and oddly a cauldron of soup with uh a head in it, which doesn't make too much sense because they devour the people with their leathery, veiny wing flaps. So it's I don't know why they have a soup when they just dissolve the people and eat them that it's the appetizer.

SPEAKER_02 45:49

I guess I mean honestly, you always have a soup. Well, you always start with a soup. We're a soup family, we get it. Yeah, super salad, yeah. So yeah, that was just like you know, they had leftover body parts of like we're not gonna waste that. You got a bone, we're gonna make a nice stew. Well, they had there was a kid that he freed right from like a sack or something, yeah, straight into dinner, yeah. The kid runs to its doom, and like I after the bat person slurps him up, it just drops a bunch of bones on just some steamy bones, and then uh yeah, he's like, Well, didn't help there, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:30

And then, like, I guess Dar is kind of like, uh-oh, but then Sharak comes in and then, like, oh, an eagle, and then they give him this medallion.

SPEAKER_02 46:40

Um amulet, I'll say medallion. Yeah, like I that's why I thought they were not bat people, but eagle people, because it looks like they worship an eagle, and then like you said, Sharak the eagle, basically, like it seems to like vouch for Dar. Yeah, like saying to the eagle people, oh no, no, this one's cool. So they get like a cool little moment, and it's like, okay, he's gonna get this thing that's definitely gonna pay off later, you know. Like it's a classic fantasy thing where it's just like, yeah, we're gonna get a special magic item with that just like in a video game, we're just gonna have to pull that out towards the end. Yeah, one. Keep it in your pack, just keep it in that pack, and and you will definitely need that. Um oh, so no, he so what happens next is he gets to his birth home, like he kind of shows up to where Mayax is kind of ruling the land now. Yep. And they're sacrificing more kids on top of this mountain. And I was like, wait a second, I thought they had to be unborn. This kid's like four or three, and then as it I'm like, is it bad that I laughed when he threw the child in the pit? No, because I did the same, and I've seen this movie again so many times, and it's still so funny. I'm like, oh my god, he just chucks that kid straight in the fire, smokes him. How did you feel about the child sacrifice, Ryan?

SPEAKER_01 48:13

As a child when I saw it, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:15

Give me your child perspective and also your adult perspective.

SPEAKER_01 48:19

I mean, it's probably the same. I was just like, oh well.

SPEAKER_02 48:24

Sorry about it.

SPEAKER_01 48:25

Sorry, I'm like, well, it's not an animal, just keep keep this film a rolling.

SPEAKER_02 48:30

Yeah, no, this is the film that really let me know who I was as a person. Maybe that's a bad person, but I could look at children being thrown into a raging cauldron of fire and feel nothing. But if a dog gets an arrow in the side, oh yeah, yeah, or a ferret goes into quicksand, or a f oh my god, yeah. I will get so upset and and hot and anxious immediately. Yeah, I feel like we're all on the same page with that. Um, yes, so go ahead, go ahead. Oh no, I was just gonna say, uh, I forget like the next part. Well, like he's watching in the crowd, and he saves the kid, he saves the kid, or Sharak does, but the eagle does. He like tells the eagle to go snatch the kid, yeah. That and he he comes up and saves him, and everybody is bowing, you know, to this what's happening. And it's funny because it's like you see the the shot of the eagle, and it's like clearly some like drawn, yeah, you know, sort of like kid being flung around by the eagle. They didn't have After Effects or CGI, they're just like, we're gonna draw this literally on the cell of the movie. Yeah, it looked fine, it was fine, it was good. Yeah, I liked it. It works better than AI.

SPEAKER_03 49:47

That's right.

SPEAKER_02 49:48

It's totally fine. Yeah, share. So the eagle saves the day. Dar is able to return the kid to his parents, and they're like, Oh, thank you, Dar. You're a hero. That's right. So, like at that point, I think that Dar realizes, okay, there's this bad guy Mayax, who, you know, is he basically has control of all the guns, right? He's a major cultist, which is this common fantasy trope, like we've got some bad cultists who are trying to run all the shit. I think at that point, does he meet does at that point does he meet John Amos? Yeah, he does.

SPEAKER_01 50:26

Yeah, he leaves the the village, right?

SPEAKER_02 50:29

So when he leaves the village and he's like, Okay, this is the guy I have to go after, and then he meets John Amos, who plays Seth. John Amos, who I don't know if you ever watched Good Times as a kid, Melanie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I recognize him. Yeah, he was on roots, he was in a ton of stuff.

SPEAKER_01 50:44

I think coming to America, great actor.

SPEAKER_02 50:47

Yeah, he I think they wrote this part for him because they loved like how strong he looked and how regal he was, and then he's traveling with a kid. Who's the kid's name? What's the kid's name?

SPEAKER_01 50:58

I don't remember.

SPEAKER_02 51:00

You don't remember the kid's name? Kid number three. No, it's uh boy, I think it's tar. Shut up. I'm not joking. Tar and Tar. Tar, my my favorite movie with Kate Blanchette. Uh hold on. I I dropped the wiki for a second. Well, you know where I know Rip Torn from, oddly enough. Not Men in Black or anything like that, even though, yeah, I I know he's in it, but it's like I know I recognize him as the king in Marie Antoinette, the Sophia Coppola film. Yes, good pull. I always think of him as the trainer guy from Dodgeball. Oh, yeah, that's you. He's you know what? Give it up for Rip Torn. Like acting his ass off. He has passed. He passed in 2019 at age 88. But good time to pass, honestly. Yeah, good run. Um, yeah, I gotta I gotta get into his life story. Okay, so sorry, it's the young boy's name is not tar, it's tall, t-a-l. Oh, okay. So close, pretty freaking close, and we find out that tall is is he's king Z son. This is where you're gonna have to help me with plot points.

SPEAKER_01 52:21

I'll try.

SPEAKER_02 52:22

Uh yeah, so the little boy, isn't he the king's son?

SPEAKER_01 52:26

I guess he's Dar's brother's brother.

SPEAKER_02 52:29

Yeah, okay, and so because Tall says Kiri, who has you know been captured by Max or like taken away by Mayax, that's his cousin. It's his cousin, so that makes Dar oh yeah, and Kiri cousins, and they'd be Star Wars up in here.

SPEAKER_01 52:51

They get they'd be fucking look when you're born of ox, you keep bringing this up, Ryan.

SPEAKER_02 52:58

I brought you on this commentary for some some very intellectual film discourse, and all you can lean on is the fact that Dar was born out of an ox. Yes, well, let's be real though. Let's be real. If he if he's royalty, he's keeping that bloodline pure. I guess so. But yeah, I think that was something upon this most recent rewatch. I was like, hmm, oh, I guess I never realized they are fully related. But I guess back then, you know, in this bronze age or whenever this, you know, the storyline is supposed to take place, that was just normal. Yeah, for sure. Especially when your cousin, you know, is played by that lady. It's like, yeah. It's kind of slim pickens, you know, it seems like. Yeah, where else are you gonna find a woman as smoking hot as Tanya Roberts? I don't know. Um, she was she was a Charlie's Angel for like one year, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Like that was like towards the end where they were like switching out a lot of the angels, and then they gave her like one year and then the show uh was done. But she was also in uh the James Bond movie A View to Kill, if you were seeing that. So um so when he well, really quick, when he meets um Seth and Tall, yes, they're they're kind of fighting off some people too. I think there's like some sort of henchman or whatever out there. Yeah, they're more of like what's that?

SPEAKER_01 54:31

Are they the priests?

SPEAKER_02 54:32

Were they in the red priests, the red priests, the priests, yeah. So like they're out there, and the tight that's when the tiger ends up in the pit. Um, and one of them is wearing an eyeball ring, which I was like, okay, Sarah J. Moss, I see you striking again. We always bring up Sarah J. Moss because she just puts these little things in fantasy from fantasy films in her books. And it's like, yeah, no, she also is probably my age-ish and definitely watched this as a kid. I'm 100%. Also, I just want to say I had an eyeball ring that was like that. I was obsessed with eyeball rings. You used to be able to get them at like hot topic and stuff.

SPEAKER_01 55:15

It's on the poster art. Oh, they're they're like in the ring.

SPEAKER_02 55:20

Oh, oh wow. Wait, yeah, I know we're gonna I can see it. Yeah, that's it. That's it. I have never caught that that the ring was on the poster art. That's crazy. Wow, right above the logo.

SPEAKER_01 55:38

So cool eyeball.

SPEAKER_02 55:39

Also, I want to say I'm holding up the, you know, listeners, you can't hear this. I'm sorry. Listeners, listeners, you can't see this, but I'm holding up the 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray. And this art, I want to say, it looks nothing like them. No, it looks nothing like them. Even the even the tiger. It's fully a panther. It's fully a panther, yeah. They're uh, you know, they made the art and then they shot the movie, and they're like, you know what? No one will notice. It's 1982.

SPEAKER_01 56:11

Yeah, that's probably how they shopped it around.

SPEAKER_02 56:14

Yeah, yeah, probably to producers.

SPEAKER_01 56:16

Here's our idea. Oh, I'm down.

SPEAKER_02 56:18

Oh, yeah, that looks hot. Here's the money. Do you see? I'm Harvey Weinstein. Do you see titties in this? Here's four million dollars. So, yeah. So, anyway, Seth and Tal and Dar all join forces. They have to infiltrate the temple. And they get the they rescue the slave women from being shipped off before they go into the temple. Right. They they get him on the boat, get him on the boat, and they sail off to go, I guess, to the temple. Back to the temple. Yeah, they have to go rescue King Zed, who we've, you know, again, he's he's fallen on hard times because the cultists have taken over, so he's in jail. And this this is the part of the movie. I guess I'm I'm getting a little foggy because this is always the part of the movie that gets a little like how do I want to say a little slow? It's a little slow. Yeah, you get sort of like I want to say about like 60% in. We get basically a dungeon crawl, yeah. And I, even though I love DD, I find dungeon crawls very annoying uh and and like boring. So it's just like okay, and then this happened and this happened. We see that there's some sort of like weird experiments going on with some green goo. Yeah, help me remember the fluorescent glue. Uh, what else do you remember about the dungeon? Can you describe it?

SPEAKER_01 57:47

Is that where they're making the berserkers?

SPEAKER_02 57:50

They're making berserkers, right? And they've got all these like spiky things on them.

SPEAKER_01 57:54

Yeah, I just put like you know, these like roided out dudes in these suits that they're like you know, nailed into basically. It's getting very pride up in here.

SPEAKER_02 58:04

It is, oh my god, it's yes, it is San Francisco Pride. We've got our boots and our spurs and our spikes and our wired nipples where we are ready to go. We're greased up, and we've been we've all been hitting the gin. Honestly, this is a good fitness inspo movie, I feel. Yeah, for sure. Because everyone's looking fit. It's you're like, maybe I will move to California, just work out all the time. It's the body movie, it it really is. Yeah, so they're like fighting their way through this dungeon.

SPEAKER_01 58:36

Well, basically, the they they meet the king, he's blind, and he's blind, he's like, That's not my son, the dar, I believe.

SPEAKER_02 58:44

Yeah, which like how would he know he's blind, he can't even see him.

SPEAKER_01 58:47

Yeah, he never he never met Oxboy, so he doesn't he doesn't know. Um, yeah, then I then you're gonna have to fill me in because I remember the I remember the Berserker part, but then that happens I remember, I remember, she remembers, and she's only just seen it.

SPEAKER_02 59:03

I just watched it yesterday, that's what's fresh in my mind. But so he keeps doing the thing that I hate and putting the ferrets in danger, so he has them go get the keys so that they can get Zed out, yeah, and then I think they like someone's wearing the ring or something because they get caught by mayax, right? Yeah, because he can see through the ring, yeah. Tall is wearing it. Fucking tall. And yeah, fuck that kid. Fuck that kid, he's ruining everything. So, yeah, so eventually, like they're all ushered out, I believe, yeah by the guards. Yep, yep, yep. And uh the ferrets do show up eventually with the key, and he's like, Well, that's a little late. I'm like, Oh my god, you'd be you better be nice to these ferrets, so upset. Yeah, they um they really on the special features they were saying how like ferrets are cute, but they're not super trainable, and they were just like responding to food the whole time, so they're just like, Yeah, come over here. And so they're probably dangling. Like, what do you feed a ferret felony? I feel like you would know. God, what if we feed the ferret? I mean, they ate a lot of stuff. I mean, they had their own like kibble kind of thing. Sure, I forget, like, besides that type of food, like we would give it like pieces of chicken and stuff, like they could eat meat, veggies, yeah. I think I think they're like an omnivore, like they could chew on a carrot and be fine, but yum, yeah, they were dangling these little carrots for these ferrets to get out of the temple. Probably a little little piece of chicken. They're like, you know, a little rotisserie, yeah, delicious. Yeah, so they manage to get out of the temple, it's like a whole thing, and then when they get out, there's this stupid fight. Like, like you said, Zed's like, You're not my son, and I don't know why he's southern now. He's like, I ain't paying child support. That's right, you're a grown man. I don't know, you shit.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:00

Yeah, and then I forget why they have to go back to the to the temple as it's a take down Mayax.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:07

Yeah, so basically I think King Zed, who just got out, is like overconfident and he's like, Oh, we're gonna go do this whole thing now and take back my kingdom, but like they're not prepared, no, so that's why they got because Dar's like, yeah, no, let's get out of here. That's why Dar leaves and they all get recaptured. I wonder if that's when he has the singular male tear that comes out. Did you love that masculine tear? Yeah, you know that shit was just dropped on. Like, after watching a lot of behind the scenes stuff with Mark Singer, again, you know, he was a theater actor. I feel like he could have like thought of a tender moment and and worked up a real tear. It could also have just been like sweat. Yeah. Um, so anyway, yeah, no, so Dar has to go back and save his friends and family. And I think that's like the big, what I feel is like supposed to be the big battle at the end. But it's weird. Like the ending of this movie is very bizarre because it's kind of like in two parts. So he's like, Okay, I gotta go back, I gotta get get Kiri, I gotta get my dad, even though he doesn't love me. So he faces down Max again at this big temple, which looks like an Where he throws the kid in the pit. That's the pit that he throws the kid in. Right. They're doing another sacrifice. Yeah, no, this is just his his kid roasting station. So he I think he kills he kills King Zed, right? Zed's dead, baby. Yeah, Zed's dead. Zed's dead, and then I think so. I think they're originally like Kiri is supposed to die, but uh she doesn't. She lives. And then I'm trying to like you describe describe what happens at the end, Ryan.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:56

Uh well, they're you know, Dar is fighting off the guards, the priests, and you know, uh he's battling uh Mayax, and he finally they're like you know, going at it, and they're right in the fire pit, and Dar is like in trouble, and so uh Kodo or Podo or whatever the first name is crawl down and bites onto Max's hand and he lets go, but he suffers his burning fate and falls into the fire with Mayax. Yes, and let me tell you, 12-year-old me was bawling. I was tears streaming down my face. I was so upset that the poor ferret had perished in the flames. Oh the temple of R.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:49

Are you getting teary now thinking of it?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:52

No, I'm not. I'm an adult mate.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:55

Oh shit. Well, that ferret so much. That guy got through they I love that they threw the ferret too, and it looks like it it's just like this the ferret is jumping, right? But like they just threw a ferret for the sake of the film and it bit the jugular. And I'm like, ferret ferret to the jugular is one way to die. That's a wild one, and they got sharp teeth too. Yeah, I think I remember I this is really why I wanted to bring Ryan on because he talked so much about like seeing Beastmaster as a kid, and I think you were saying that the thing that really got you was not the ferret actually dying. I mean, it that's sad, of course, but it was the other ferret looking for the other ferret.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:42

That that's it, yeah. The other ferret's like, what happened? Where did where did he go? Where's where's my mate?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:50

Oh and yeah, it's not the ferret dying, but the other ferret being sad at the loss of its mate. Yes, which is so upsetting. Oh, poor little ferret. That but yeah, one of them, it was either Kodo or a Podo, I can't remember, but one of them, one of them did make the ultimate sacrifice, and you would think this would be the end, right? Because Mayax is dead, and it that feels like it should be the end. Well, he's dead, and they killed the witch that was up there too. And it's funny because um he stabs the witch and she turns into a dove and flies away. Yeah, that's how witches be. Yeah, I know, but I was like really hoping the eagle would come down and snatch it and eat it. I think, see, you have these great screenwriting ideas. I think you gotta just, yeah, that would have been is that where peaced out came from?

SPEAKER_01 1:05:43

Because the dove is a symbol of peace.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:47

Maybe I that that could be true. Absolutely. Yeah, there's like so you yeah, you think everybody's gonna peace out at this point, but then there's a whole other like part two battle where they have. To the guns come, the juns come because you would think that, like, okay, Max is dead, then maybe all the Juns are like, Okay, our leader's dead, we're out of here. But yeah, they have to fight this whole like barbarian horde, and it's pretty violent. Like, there's a lot of like horses and fire. People had to be getting hurt.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:19

Oh my god, it just looks like a burning oil field where they're battling, and I'm like, that is not safe.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:25

It's not safe. I'm sure horses were upset. There's one point where, like, you see a guy in like a berserker outfit, he's got like a flaming mace and he sets himself on fire.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:35

Well, that was in the earlier battle when they raided the village.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:38

Oh, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:39

I believe, I believe so. Because that was the thing that it was like during the daytime.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:43

But this oh, yeah, the the the final battle is at night, yeah. Which it does look cool, but yeah, they they th they flamethrow that whole field, and you're just like this is napalm. This is yeah, it is like napalm. It's like burning man, that's right. Yeah, they just went down the road to Burning Man. Wait, is this what Burning Man is? Kind of, yeah. You're just like in a field, there are a lot of naked people wearing leather, and everything's on fire, and it's very upsetting to everyone involved. Um, so yeah, they eventually defeat the Juns. Oh yeah, because the Eagle people come back, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:07:23

Yes, excuse me, everyone's on fire.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:30

You get a nice toasty hot meal, and yeah, you so you see these eagle men, but you forget uh Tal takes an arrow to the chest. Oh, right, yeah. We have more child, more children in peril because Tal takes the arrow.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:45

That's right, and so they're trying to get him out of the harm's way, and then like the battle with the big bad ensues. So Dar has to fight. I don't even know what the guy's name is, but he has the bat wings on the side of his head. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:01

Yeah, he's like the lead guy. Yeah, I don't think he ever gets a name. We can name him.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:06

Yeah, he's basically like Lord Humongous, and like I like that old warrior. Well, that's what the guy's doing or whatever. But he fights him, and basically the guy falls on his own like fancy mace that has all these blades on it. I forget what the final blow is, but he dies, and then they they go back to the village. But um, yeah, I feel those scenes should have been switched, should have had that big night battle first, and then take care of Max at the end, and then they would have been happily in the yeah, it's like it's it's a little anticlimactic, I think.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:44

Right. Like, why are we doing this now? Right. Whereas, like, yeah, in Conan, like the last thing that happens is he kills Thulsa Doom at the end, because like that's his whole like your quest, that's the end of the quest. So, like, once, yeah, once Big Bad is dead, it's like it feels weird to fight other people and get this help from the eagle people. I don't know, Don Cascarelli. You're still alive. Um, email us, like, tell us what you know. Why did you do this? Come on the pod. Let's talk about phantasm. Yeah, I'll talk about anything. Uh yeah, so in the end, uh, does anybody want to describe the somewhat happy ending even after all this child death and animal death? Well, how do we how do we leave our heroes in this movie before we see the sequels, of which there are two? Well, it's basically where um Dar is to be proclaimed as king because he's technically the firstborn, but he doesn't want the title. He's like, uh, what what do they say in Pee-Wee? He's like, I'm a loner. He's a rebel and a loner. I'm a rebel. Yes. And so he doesn't want so he gives it the rights to his uh younger brother and basically wraps up and is like, I'm out of here. Doesn't even look for his uh cousin lover that he's so interested in saving. But then the young uh boy, Tall takes his place upon like the top of the pyramid thing. Uh Seth gives him the gift that Dar left for him, which is like that weird sort of round blade thing. I don't know. What's it called, Ryan?

SPEAKER_01 1:10:28

I don't remember, but it reminds me of Kroll because they have a similar like throwing weapon. Which Melanie hasn't seen Kroll either in the movie, but yeah, I don't remember what they call the the weird. Is it like a glaive? Like, what's a glaive? Is that it?

SPEAKER_02 1:10:42

No, a glaive is like a big stick with a blade on the end. Yeah, oh, but that's not it. It's like a it's not like a ninja star, you know, like there's no throwing stars or whatever. It's it's like this weird blade thing. Anyway, he gets in that and he's like, Okay, I'm out. So he's out there in the wilderness with his beasts, and go go ahead. I I just want to insert it's called a kappa in the appa. It is it is a specialized four-bladed hinge throwing glaive. You are correct, Melanie. Wow, my sister. Uh bitch. My sister has outfantasied me in fantasy month. Wow, the the student has become the master. Yeah, it's like my weapons knowledge is is unmatched, bro. Can we like throw some ninja stars at a run fair this year? When are we going to run fair? Is the question. Oh my god, we're gonna plan it out. We gotta go at least twice, twice or thrice this year. Um, yeah, so at the end, like uh Kiri comes up and finds him, you know, and they start they start making out hot and heavy. But what pops out of the bag is the ferret. She had baby ferret, so there's two little babies, and then the ferret reaches over to the tiger and gives them a smooch. And I was like, that's so nice. The end, the end, yeah, and they're at the they're on like this top of a mountain, yeah, very majestic, and they didn't have drones back then, so they would have had to get a helicopter up there, and they're like, Okay, keep deep throating, like keep fucking French kissing this Playboy Playmate. She was in Playboy too. Oh, of course she was gorgeous, gorgina. Um, yeah, no, I think they on this is more fun trivia that I know. Um, they were trying to like push a Playboy issue of Tanya Roberts to promote the movie again. This PG-rated children's movie, they're like, let's get a Playboy Playmate to really like push the sales, but the if the issue came out after the movie came out, so it did like whatever. It still probably did very well. Yeah, like renewed interest. Did you enjoy the ending with the baby ferrets? I did, I did. I love the baby ferrets, they're very cute, yeah. Uh yeah, and I love I do love that I don't know how they got that shot without that tiger eating that ferret. It's it must have been very well fed. I hope that tiger didn't eat four ferrets in attempts to get that one shot because that would be upsetting. Although I feel like if they're working together on set, the tiger's probably acclimated to all the ferrets and knows they're not food, and they probably kept them very well fed, I'm sure. Or I wonder if he smelled the ferret stink and was like, I'm good. Yeah, probably. Yeah, I would think maybe that's why the ferrets are so stinky that's like a natural defense mechanism. What do you rate this movie, Melanie? You know what? I give it a solid C. Wow, a C plus, even with all the pets in it. Well, because of the pets, I ranked it as high. I mean, I liked some of the plot, but like you said, some things could have been changed around. I don't know if it needed to be a full two hours long. Yeah. Um, the dungeon crawl scene, I was kind of like, I mean, I paid attention to it, obviously, but I was like, you know, I I wasn't in love with it. Yeah. So there's a lot of things I wasn't really crazy about, but the animals definitely took it up a notch because you know I love me some animals. But yeah, there could have been more. Always more. We're gonna have to find what is the movie that Melanie's gonna be satisfied with that has enough pets in it. I know you won't watch it, but Ace Ventura, pet detective, only the second oh I've never I never liked the first one, and I know there's like an issue with like I I wanna say there's like a trans joke that doesn't like last or laugh about, you know, it's not it's not good, right? It's not good, and you cannot make that movie anymore. No, but that I never liked that one. I honestly couldn't tell you much about it except it's about a dolphin. Um and the second one is really good. The second one is really good, but there's like tons of animals in it, so that's probably why I liked it. Ryan, what do you rate the Beastmaster from 1982?

SPEAKER_01 1:15:17

I will give the Beastmaster a B plus. B plus B for Beast B for Beast, exactly. Yes, no, I I think yeah, what they should have switched those scenes, and I think uh, you know, they could have uh helped with some of the pacing with it. So um, but yeah, I'll still watch it anytime. I don't care. I love it.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:37

Hey, Beastmaster's on. Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna go in between you guys, and I'll just I almost agree a B minus would be good. B minus, yeah. It's like it's so I was watching it and I was like, yeah, it's slow, but it's just like I don't know, there's like a charm to it, and it's one of those movies like other movies we've talked about before on the pod, which is like it kind of gets my creative juices going because I feel like bad movies. I mean, I grew up watching so many in quotes bad movies or cheesy movies or campy movies, and I have a strong affection for them because it gets your brain working. It's like, okay, well, if I were the director, I would have done this, this, and this. It's kind of like reading a bad book talk book. Yeah, it gets you ready to like write. Yeah, yeah, because you start filling in the gaps, and you're like, I think this would have been a better choice. So, but yeah, I gotta give it a B minus. Love, of course, the the swords, the sorcery. Uh I, you know, it gets points off for the rapiness, of course. Yeah, you get uh you get a lot of points added for baby ferrets for sure. Well, that brings me to my part where I want to ask you guys both some questions. Okay, I'm sorry, a little question corner. Just just a couple. Um, so have you seen the sequels to this movie? I know there's a Beastmaster 2 for sure. No, no, I haven't. And I also have not seen the show.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:07

I've seen the show. Oh, there's a show, a couple episodes. I forgot it even existed, but yes, it's it's not Dar as we know him, but I do recall there was an episode or two where Mark Singer is on it, so it's like, and I think he's Dar in it. So it's like two Beastmasters. But I don't I don't know that's as far as it goes for me.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:31

So Beastmaster is kind of like Highlander, like there can only be one kind of thing, and they pass it along.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:36

I don't know if it's even has that type of lore, but there were two of them, so I don't know what the deal was. They were just making a show, I guess. But I was never home to watch it, so you've seen Highlander, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:17:50

I haven't. It's on my list. I've I've been told to read it before watching. No, not not Outlander, Highlander. Oh no, I haven't seen that either. Outlander completely different, completely different. Melody would love Highlander. Is that Mel Gibson? No, it's what's that one? Say his name.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:10

It's Christopher Lambert.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:12

Christopher Lambert is Highlander, a time-traveling swordsman from Scotland. So Outlander and Highlander are like both set in Scotland. Siblings, but different. You're thinking of Braveheart, which is also set in Scotland, which fucking slaps. And I uh Mel Gibson's a bad man and I don't like him, but that movie is a hundred percent essential. I think it's even podworthy. Um it is long though, it is like a solid three. You're really gonna have to get stuck in for it. I've I have not convinced Ryan to watch it yet, and I think about it all the time because it's like so well done. Because it it shows Scotland in the time of the picks when they were all like tribes and stuff. It's so fucking cool, and it's like the most fuck the UK movie ever. I do love that. Yeah, no, for real. No, they're like the yeah, the British fucking ruined everything, and they tried to like basically like enslave the Irish and Scottish natives, and Scotland was just like eat shit. Um okay, so who who in this film who was your favorite beast in the film? My favorite main question. My favorite beast, Ryan. You go first. Who was your favorite beast?

SPEAKER_01 1:19:25

I guess the tiger.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:26

Rah.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:27

R.

unknown 1:19:28

R.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:29

I thought it was gonna be Rodo, you know, Roto. There was no Roto. There was Todo, there was Kodo, and there was Podo. Maybe Roto was the ferret baby.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:41

Two babies. There are two babies.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:43

Rodo and Lodo and Momo.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:46

Yes, she's a single mom.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:48

Modo. She's just a single mom who's got two works two jobs. Uh, I love that the ferrets are little thieves too. He's like, these are my little thieves. Um, yeah, I yeah, I'm gonna say fair. I was gonna say eagle to sound cool. Well, I kind of like the eagle because to be fair, that's the only thing that really helps, like in the battle. I guess the the tiger does help, but we don't get any tiger attack scenes, I think, for the sake of the safety of the people on set. Oh, there's a part like when they're initially when Dar frees Ra initially, and like uh they're fighting the whoever is like torturing her or him. Is Ra a boy or a girl cat? I don't know. But yeah, there's a girl. Don't there is a point where you see the tiger like hop up on a person, and I'm like, oh, that person's dead, or they at least got like clawed really badly. Yeah, everything in this movie is by the seat of the pants unhinged, and you know what? They you don't make movies like this anymore, you really can't. And I think it's a VHS classic um or an HBO classic. Yeah, it was a cable classic, cable classic, yeah. And so now, Melanie, do you feel better having oh sorry, you have more questions still? Just what just one more. Okay, one more. So if you were Beastmaster, who would your animal friends be? And you can just pick one for the sake of time, but who would be your your clutch? I want to say comrade, but animal your compadre. I think animal companion, you're gonna have to go with. I want to go with Don Coscarelli's original vision for Beastmaster, which is having a leopard or jaguar. Like if you've ever seen Safari Sammy, I would want a tank, like uh Oh yeah, big jaguar, big chub chub, big chubby jaguar, because you can cuddle with it, it can hunt for you, it can defend you, and you know, it's so pretty to look at. I love those big cats. What about you, Ryan?

SPEAKER_01 1:21:54

I would say either a big cat or a wolf. Something that's like really dependable, I would say. Like, you know, instead of a smaller dog, but you can just have a wolf.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:08

Big wolf, like a dire wolf, yeah, kind of.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:11

Yeah. Probably even ride it if you were light enough.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:14

Wow, Ryan riding a dire wolf. How about you, Melanie? What's your animal familiar? You know, my favorite animal, and I would have to live by the ocean for it, but I would love to have like a pod of killer whales be my friend, and they can assist me with like my, you know, perhaps I'm like on a ship somewhere and I can have them help me on my adventure. Well, this has been another great podcast. Uh, thank you all so much for tuning in again. Thank you to our special guest.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:46

Thank you for having me, Ryan.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:48

Yay, we loved having you here. Thank you for your your insight. Uh why are you laughing? So unserious. Uh expertise. Thank you for your expertise. And we've got one more fantastic fantasy film lined up for you. We figured this would be a fun one. We are back to some dark fantasy next week. So tune in for that. And uh we'll see you next time. All right, guys. Bye. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of VHS Sisters. We hope you've had a fun and cozy time. Please consider liking, leaving a review, and following us on your podcast platform of choice. If you'd like to chat with us, please email us at VHS Sisters Podcast at gmail.com. Love you. Bye.

unknown 1:24:01

Ah!

SPEAKER_03 1:24:02

That's it.