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This is Humbl. -where we talk about the real stuff!
Humbl.
S3 EP02 | MENTAL HEALTH | FEDEL
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Antoine sits down with legendary Christian Hip-Hop Artist, Fedel, to talk all things Theology, Therapy, and Mental Health. Tune in for an incredible conversation and get the freedom that you need!
Fedel's Socials:
Instagram - @fedelmusic
YouTube - @fedelity7
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Sometime men, we only feel safe being angry. Right. But you dig and you realize there's a reason you're angry.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_05Like there's a reason you're angry. And normally there's another emotion you don't feel comfortable feeling. And this is when I know from my journey, being having God giving me the strength to process very complicated emotions is when I felt real internal peace.
SPEAKER_02You guys may be like, yo, where are you at right now? Like, this is not the usual spot or the usual spots that you're at. Well, I am real quick shout out to Lux Creative here in McKinney, Texas. Like, this has been such a dope experience already. And I have an amazing guest that we're about to give context to here in just a minute, but I wanted to shout them out. Uh, please check them out if you're an entrepreneur, creative, you're looking to get a project off the ground or if there's a podcast in you, whatever it is, Lux Creative can help make it happen. So just a quick shout out to them because this office space, this studio space is really, really dope. Uh, but I have a guest with me today. And I love, as we're in season three, like this is someone that uh through the through the time of my life as a believer in Jesus, you guys have heard me talk about how much of a hip hop head I am. Like Christian hip hop, like the Lord used that to really bring me back to himself. And so this guest that I have today, his music was a part of the ecosystem of Christian rappers I would listen to and would be in my ear to help me navigate what does it look like to live as a Christian? The fact that, you know, if you were a Christian back then, it was it was whack, depending on where you were at. But this this guy's music really helped me to uh really not just be okay with my faith, but to be active in my faith. And so without further ado, I'm so excited for the conversation we're about to have. I want to introduce to some and maybe present to some if you're familiar with his music. My guest today, Fidel. Come on, bro. You in the building, man.
SPEAKER_05Yes, yes, appreciate you having me, man. It's a pleasure to be here. It's a nice studio, too.
SPEAKER_02It is, bro. This is such a nice studio, man. And I know I said this off camera, man, but I just want to say how much I appreciate you saying yes. Uh, literally just reached out to you on IG and was like, bro, I'd love to have you. And you were like, Yeah, man, I'd love to do it. Uh so thank you for being a part of blessing our community today. And I'm excited to get into the conversation, bro.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I'm excited to be here, man. You know, thanks for having me. I have actually haven't spoken on a lot of podcasts for like last couple years. I've been just chilling. Okay. And so when you reached out, I was like, you know what? Let me, let me, you mean I looked at some of your content and I was like, man, let me let me go ahead and do this. Okay. Yeah. So I was, I was um, you know, sometimes you're in a space where you feel like, man, it's not time for me to talk or maybe to share certain things. So I appreciate you reaching out.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, bro. I'm just I'm just gonna say that was the Lord, man. Like I literally was like, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna reach out, and if you don't hit me back, or if you say no, then okay.
SPEAKER_05But hey, you got to shoot the shot.
SPEAKER_02You got to, yeah, man. Yeah, man. Well, bro, I'd love to just just, you know, I have context through you uh and to you through your music. Yeah, but I think a lot of times when you are exposed to someone, you think, oh, they've either always been this, yeah, they've always done this, and this is all that they are. Yeah. So I would love to just hear a little bit of context to you for myself, but even for our listeners, man. Like just give us some context to you. Where did you grow up? What was life like as a kid? And and you know, what has your life with Jesus been like? How and how'd you get to where you are now?
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Um, you know, it I always say, I tell people that my my life was defined in Memphis, Tennessee. Um, as a sixth grader, living in North Memphis, um, neighborhood, New Chicago, going to a school called Mananzas. Um, that that that's where it feels like my life became alive. Right. We were living in, I was living in the murder capital. I'm a preacher's kid. So my parents um were ministers, I would say struggling minister, ministering. Um, and I would say, and I also, since I was about eight or nine, dealt with uh chronic pain, chronic fatigue, which greatly affected, you know, different parts of my life. Because at that time, you know, I we really didn't have nothing. So there was there was this this balance of me dealing with these different things as a kid, going through puberty, um, dealing with the streets. I was, you know, I was, you know, we was living in the murder capital. We lived in the area we were living in. You know, it was I it was fun. I loved it, but it was the trap. Yeah, you know, I lived in the trap. Like I learned how to play basketball in the trap. I learned how to play basketball, you know, in areas, you know, and basketball was my outlet, but I walked two, three miles to school, you know, we all those type of things that sometimes you just hear on music videos or hearing and rap, like, you know, it was what I lived doing a a big part of my adolescence and growing up and it defined me because it was it was fun and all, but I was also dealing with the you know, just the childhood trauma of living in a very dysfunctional home. And so, you know, when you know, as you grow up and you're you're in a home where there anybody who's a preacher's kid out there knows, you know, there's a reason why preacher's kids are kind of called, like, why are they so bad? You know, that was always a stereotype. You know, a lot of times that comes from a level of neglect that comes in a home when parents are pursuing what they feel called to, but oftentimes neglecting the first ministry of the home. And I'm a product of that, you know. And over time, you know, you know, living in Memphis and you know, at that time being heavily influenced by a group called 36 Mafia, right? So I watched 36 Mafia like blossom, you know, like that's my childhood. I remember the first song they had on the radio, like wow, yeah. And so even, you know, watching them from afar, their independence, that was my childhood. That was my outlet of music. And even though, you know, you know, you it's funny because when I see the fact that, you know, you have somebody like Project Pat who is now in ministry, like ministering, going to jails doing ministry. I, you know, what I remember from that, it shows that's like a that's another story, but that shows how grateful, how good God is. Because during that time living in that area, being heavily influenced by that music, that culture, um, you really wouldn't think somebody like me would come out of that wanting to promote um how faithful God is to his music. Wow. You know, and so growing up and watching my parents split, um, my athlete, my basketball dreams being kind of derailed because of my health issues, um, and just being able to get to that point where you are able to detach your faith from your parents and live independently um is nothing but uh the grace of God. And being at a point where you have faithful people around you who say certain things that that change your life in those moments, right? Like you're you don't always understand what's going on as a teenager um who's moving, who has this type of home, living in this type of neighborhood. Um, but through service of God, you know, people, God putting people in your path to say things, to show love. And that that was a huge part of how my music came about is realizing that even in secular music, music was an outlet for me as a getaway, even as a as a kid, and wanting to take that same influence and and and um talk about God's faithfulness through my health issues, through my um growing up in the type of neighborhood that I had have been able to survive, like you know, gang shootouts and fighting and all that stuff, and just being able to send hope through music is kind of how you came to Fidel, who um wanted took all of that, was able to see God's faithfulness. And what I felt like a lot of times as a kid is I don't get what's going on in my life, but being able to see God's faithfulness is kind of how I began to use music as a way to say, even through my pain and my struggle, um, I don't know if you're familiar with this, with I will be everything that say I could not be was my tagline. Oh yeah. And I was just a show of faithfulness um through God being faithful, through mental health struggles, through all these things, um, I would say I will be, right? So that's just a short, you know, of kind of how I came to be and how um, you know, my music became an outlet for me in which was used heavily, God used heavily to to bless a lot of people.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, bro. Wow, wow. That there's so many things in that that I'm like, okay, this this makes so much sense to like who you are. First of all, the I will be thing, bro, that was a whole movement, bro. It was like you had a whole chant, not just a chant, but a whole anthem and movement built off of that. Like the Lord really used that in a powerful way. Yeah, yeah, that was.
SPEAKER_05I don't I often I don't like I try not to say very loosely, God gave me, God told me, sure. Use those very loosely. Sure. I will be everything they say I cannot be. I remembered when I was recording the album I live, um, which was my first album, and that and that that tagline came to me, and I was like, man, this is gonna be the face of what I do. And it was like to this day, I say, man, hey, where God gave me that. And to this day, years later, it still has an impact. And it was just a show of God's faithfulness in the times that didn't make sense for me. Um, and wanting to um present that to people as hope. Yeah, you know, whether believers or not, like it doesn't matter, like just showing God's hope, God's faithfulness um through my testimony. And I try not to I try to be as realistic, we talked about authenticity, not acting like this means that is over.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, bro.
SPEAKER_05It's not over that like um one of the things I feel like we're moving out in this generation where live is so big, like live stream is so big. One of the reasons is big is because people want to see authentic. Yep, they don't want to see highlight reels. What are you really doing all day? Yes, and the the truth is the longer that you live, the longer you're a believer, you learn there are certain struggles that last years. There's a reason Paul said a thorn in my flesh. Come on, like there's a reason you look and if you read stories, a lot of these stories they didn't just end, you just saw God's faithfulness in the midst of it for a very long time, consistently. And so a lot of that was who I was. My music was a lifestyle. I always say it's a lifestyle. Um, because there was things I was dealing with, like health-wise, they I didn't figure them out, you know. It was something I kept continue living through and learning how to adapt and God being faithful through those times.
SPEAKER_02Bro, yeah, like he is our peace in the storm, yeah. Right? Like he is the prince of peace, yeah. Literally it the embody of that. Yeah, and you're so right, bro. Like, I think sometimes we we feel like that has to look a certain way for it to make sense, and it's like, no, life be life in.
SPEAKER_05Life be life, life be life, and and the pull from what you said when you said guys, the peace. For me, the first I felt peace as I got older when I was introduced to therapy. So like I was I actually went to Bible college. Okay. So I had a pastor and I went to see him because I was just struggling, like overwhelmed, anxiety, depression. Now, at those times I wouldn't use those words. Sure. Right. At the time, I was just like, I feel numb. I feel like I don't, you know, I feel fidgety. I use all these words. And I remember it was a pastor. He said, he said, he said, you ever thought about going to therapy? I didn't know anybody that ever went to therapy. I didn't know anything about it. And he said this, he said, sometimes we need help knowing what to pray for. That's good. That transformed that it changed me. Yeah, right. Because um from that moment, you know, I went to therapy and I had somebody help me bring out what was going on inside of me. And that is not easy. Because one of the hard things about therapy is a lot of the things that a lot of the things that you need to process are things you do not want to process. And society is not really built for it.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_05To deal with certain pain, certain basically suppressed emotions that you were maybe taught not to deal with. Right. You know, a lot of times, depending on the environment you grew up, you grew up in, you're not allowed to be sad. Yep. Yep. Or you're not allowed when Solomon talked about mourning and weeping and joyful and dancing. If if that was uh, you know, if that was uh 100%, that's 25 each. That's 25% of each one. If your life looked like weeping, mourning, we're not, we don't really live in a society that allows us to um to feel certain complicated emotions that like just like anger. Like sometimes men, we only feel safe being angry. Right. But you dig and you realize there's a reason you're angry.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_05Like there's a reason you're angry, and normally there's another emotion you don't feel comfortable feeling. And this is when I know from my journey, being having God giving me the strength to process very complicated emotions is when I felt real internal peace. Come on, man. Because it was like, oh, this is what that feels like. So it's one thing to be like if you're in jail, right? Like it was in jail, and it's like you're in there, you need peace because you're in a very like complicated, stressful environment. Sure. But what happens when the jail is inside? Yep. And you and it's not like an injust situation or something you're gonna be able to be to figure out, or you didn't do anything. You went, no, it's something that you're being in a sinful world with imperfect people. You've developed some very um bad emotional habits, you know, and now it's time to work those out. And I I think part of in part of the faith, I feel like emotional suffering is something we avoid. It's just not convenient, bro. Lamentations, bruh. That's all it is. It's a whole book. Whole book. But if you if you said if you or if you just read what David said in the songs, it's like the things he said, yes, you're like, bro, like if you if there was time where you said, man, I I need to lament. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, no, you need to go work, you need to go. And so over time, um, God has shown himself strong through kind of walking me through that, yeah, bro. And and putting people in my life to help me doing that journey. Because it's when it comes to just working, um, you know, having a job, making money, these things are things that society promotes. So it's kind of it's a little easier to step into those spaces, be on stages, be seen. Sure. You know, I've put out alb I put out independently eight, nine albums independently where I recorded them myself and I partner with producers and engineers. Um, that's nothing but gifts, talents God's given me. Right. But the part that you have to go to God for when you're in those seasons where you're on stage, you're speaking, you're preaching, you're in your word. You is when you're the child of God. You're actively in the child of God where God is looking at you like a father, and he's saying, Son, you're hurting, you need to come to me. And you might just pray the pretty prayers. You don't have that time where you're, you know, David, you know what I mean, or you know, David had to deal with, you know, a king trying to kill, like, you know what I mean? Like, you know, I grew up in a home, my father was very verbally, physically abusive. Like, I didn't have happy days with my with uh my father or just my parents in general. You grow up, then you have to renew your mind to who God is, yeah. His grace, his faithfulness, right? And so these are things that over the time of, you know, when you're listening to my music, all of these things are flowing through, right? So when you have um songs that became like walk it like I'm changed, which or get live here live or work it out or I will be or no sealings or over or I these songs all come from this very complicated space of me growing up as a as a trap kid, you know what I mean? That was wow, every I would I would take it there. I was known for I would take it there, right? Um and but you you get to a place, you get older, you start knowing, okay, where that comes from. Yeah, yeah. And God kind of helps you um by taking you down these paths to kind of get you there if you're willing. Yeah, bro. But you have to be willing. That vulnerability, yeah, bro. You feel you feel like a sucker a lot of times as a man when you're vulnerable. 100%. And there's very few safe places as a man you can go to be vulnerable. Yes.
SPEAKER_02You know, and bro, like literally humble when we talk about the real stuff. Like, this is why I I started this is to provide uh a mechanism, a place, a space for people to be that. And here, bro, there's so many things in that what you're saying. First of all, this again, this is humble where we talk about the real stuff. This is my podcast, and so I'll say it so you don't have to. As men, this is a thing of not sharing emotions or the only emotion we process is anger. And then, as black men, yeah, on top of that, like in America, like because of because of heritage, you know, history of our country, like that's just facts. Like you can agree, disagree if you're listening, but it's like this is this is history. So, because of that, yeah, there are certain environments that little black boys and black girls grow up in that unfortunately perpetuate this narrative of what you're saying. Yeah, but here's what I love, bro. That what I imagine as you're talking, bro, is literally just from the hip-hop side alone, yeah. It's like you're in, you're like in the streets and you like put a like like a little box or whatever, like a little crate, and you stand on top of that crate and you're like, hey, I need y'all to hear this. Yeah. Here's what I'm going through, here's what you're going through, but it ain't gotta be like this. Yeah. And so as I'm listening, as I'm like listening to your songs in my mind right now, I'm like, I can see you like speaking to the environment of which you came from, yeah, but trying to bring a message that is relevant to who they are, but still pointing them out of the situation that they're in.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, yeah, because there's a couple things you there is the there's a side where when when you when you from when you when you experience the trap like selling drugs, um gang shootout, the whole you you see multiple things. You see the side of where um people are struggling, right? Then you experience like I experienced when I moved from Memphis to Oklahoma, where now, even though I'm still poor, I'm I'm in suburbs, right? And this is where it becomes your your message becomes like it becomes maybe I can say you you start to see things that the hood and suburbs are very similar, right? So you realize that the person that sells drugs in the neighborhood is somebody who they feel like this is their their only option. Like this is it's already a system built, you can just get it apart. Grab a corner, lean with the right person, and you move to the suburbs and you think that's not going on. But the longer you live there, you realize, man, they're just more professional with it. Yeah, right. Right. So what happens is you, you, you begin your journey like when you from the hood, when you're from like the trap, and you like, I like man, like I need these people to stop. And then you move to the suburbs, and you have to, you wrestle with this side of like, okay, are they like is it is it just commerce? Is it just money thing? Is it just because you know they don't have the money? Like, is it or or is this something that's deeper? Because when you get, when you end up, I end up graduating from uh um as a senior in Oklahoma, one of the biggest high schools, predominantly white school, and they did drugs on the same, if not more, than another. So this is the complicated part is that you you start wondering, okay, I understand that where I'm from, people get killed, murdered. Like there's yeah, but then you would do suppers and there's kids killing themselves at the same rate as people getting killed in your hood. Like it's like, so when I when I start traveling, and I and I I I feel like I was one of the first people to start talking about mental health. When I would go to churches, because I I started where most of my what I was doing was inner city, but I started just doing both. So I would be a part of large, like I was a part of a tour, a college tour for years, right? That went to OU, OSU, University of Arkansas. Um, the list goes on. University of Texas, Texas, yeah. I did all these three, four thousand. Wow. And when you're after after these events and you're talking to these kids, what they're dealing with is literally like yeah, it just looks different.
SPEAKER_00Yes, yes, yes, yes.
SPEAKER_05The tough part is that the person that's in like lives in the hood, they they know they're struggling. You get to the suburbs, what's tough is they can't admit they're struggling because they're raised to live in such perception. Yes, they feel even more trapped. Yeah, the lie. Yeah, they and they have to live it because what uh depending on how their home is, they have a perception that they have to live by an image. Yeah. And so when I would travel, taking my story, being from where I was from, and then um, you know, I would end up in places that were um predominantly white because it was in a you know some suburb somewhere else. And I would tell, I would talk about mental health and how God cares about the men, and then afterward, the pastor will pull me aside and say, Man, I appreciate you saying that. Yeah, because we're dealing our we're dealing with suicide or we're dealing with kids who are just crashing out their lives. And he said, and sometimes I don't know how this has actually happened. This happened multiple times. He was like, I don't know how to deal with when a kid commits suicide where I feel sorry for him, but I don't want to celebrate that to my kids.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_05And he says, so he was like, multiple was like, so it's this weird thing where mental health kind of helps me bridge this gap where I can talk about the struggle and also appeal to these kids that I'm dealing with over here, right? Which is slightly different than what the kid is dealing with in the hood. But at the same time, it's the same thing, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Same, same brokenness, different expression. Facts.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, that's it. Yeah, and that's the and that's when my message of you know, when I would more so when I will be, I because I was first ashamed to talk about mental health when I first I would frame it as I will be. But over the years I became bolder and bolder.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_05And so you use the word brokenness, you start realizing, okay, this comes, this is deep.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Right. And this is something. And so now, I mean, we are the most drugged country in the United States, I mean, in the world. And so now you you bring in this message, and and I mean, you just there's a reason why the Bible says Jesus came to heal the broken heart. There's a reason when he said, as your soul prospers. There's a there's a reason you you you ask yourself, why did Jesus have to tell us he wept? Like you you you start putting all these things together because the other things that you know of, you understand, okay, the gospel, Jesus, the burial, the resurrection. And you're like, okay, I know it. And then you have these real life situations happen where it feels like, okay, how do I deal with these things? They don't seem to make sense, and everything's not gonna make sense. Right. And so over time, the reason you've, in my, in my opinion, you've seen such a big boom and in mental health conversations, whether you feel like it's been um abused or not, the conversation at its root is sincere in the fact that a lot of people don't have the tools or feel ashamed about processing natural emotions, yeah, like grief, yeah, bro. Disappointment, natural emotions. Yes, and and a lot of times people will abandon their lifestyle, pick up a whole new lifestyle just so they can feel that other emotion that they're not a now that they should naturally be able to feel, but they grew up in an environment where what you crying for? Going back to being a man, yeah. What you crying for? I have a son, I have a I have a 12-year-old son, and one of the things that I've I've seen in my son, because we're so similar, is he's so much more confident and strong when I let him express himself. Yep. That's good. Now every kid's not like that. That's good. Some kids might be boner if you make them suppress, but but but that's gonna, they're gonna pay for that long.
SPEAKER_01I was gonna say, yeah. You always with the price. Yes, yeah.
SPEAKER_05When you hit I always say, when you hit 35, all the emotions come out. Yes, I don't care. You can't, there's no longer you can't suppress them. Your body, your life is calming down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In some way, they're gonna catch up with you. Yeah, um, but I I've learned this having a son and a daughter. Um, but with my son especially, making sure that his I don't use him. So, for example, like one of the things I've learned in being a sports parent, right? Um is I I'm convinced parents use we use um use sports to regulate our emotions. Oh, yes. And I I when I with my daughter played soccer, I would sit off by myself. By my in a corner. She was good. And she would be like, like, that why are you sitting there? I was like, I want to be able to enjoy this experience. And parental peer pressure is for real. Facts, it is real, but you learn over time the reason why it's harder for you as an adult to like when you have kids to let your kids feel is because you're dependent on how they feel. And when they're unhappy, they're frustrated. You you've never learned to detach your emotions from how your kids are feeling and just be there and let them feel because you depend, we use them to regulate our emotions. So they need to be happy all the time. So why are you what you what you what you mean you unhappy? You have everything. What you you live here, you have what you what you unhappy for? Yep. And we end up becoming, we end up becoming narkish. I don't want to use well, I'm not a therapist, to our own environment. But I know you're gonna go because we you have to feel how I feel. You have to, you, you should, you just because I feel like this, because this is the environment I I did, and you don't even realize you're creating something that you resent and that you don't want to be. And um, I do believe like that's one of the reasons I do feel like fathers are way more involved now in their kids' lives statistically is we experience something and we're like, man, I I want to try to figure this out to to to to be better for my child. Yeah, you know, yeah, and so but yeah, so all of that is kind of how I kind of was able, like God used me to say, hey, proclaim my name, but this is a real thing. What your journey is, people just not talking about it. Wow. You should just not. I need you to be a catalyst in this and just mention it behind the scenes, the conversations I have behind the scenes, yeah, are the things that I hear because of what I've talked about from men and women, but especially men. Um that I take to my grave. I always say, like, I I hear things, I'll be like, Yeah, yeah, go talk to somebody. Yeah, yeah. You hold it in confidence. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, um, but you needed to get that out. Yeah, yeah. Yep. And so, yeah, so that's kind of really blended my my music as being somebody who creates music at a clip. I can create music, I love it. Yeah, but it was an outlet, yeah, the outlet that I was that that I was able to monetize, yeah, right, and and that guy was able to use, but there's a pleasure that I feel just from being able to create.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, bro.
SPEAKER_05Just put it, just to create, not even put it out, yeah, just to go in there and write. I always say as an artist, my biggest Achilles heel was that I didn't create a consistent sound all the time. And people would ask me why. I would be like, because the problem is I like writing rap songs more than I like creating a sound. Yeah, yeah. And so the reason I was able to create so much over the years is because I can wake up every day and create at least a hook. At least a hook. You give me any beat, I will have you a melody or something by the end of the day. All Jesus, everything. All Jesus, bro. Yes. All like a good example of a song like on that album, Club David. There's a song like I got on there called Gone. Yep. In my opinion, bro, listen, I feel like it's the worst song I ever. Really? I listen, listen. It wow. I felt, I remember I put it on there because somebody told me, and I let them hear it, and they were like, I was like, um, this ain't gonna make it. And I heard it, and it was like, bruh. And I was like, you liked it? I was like, I like taking chances. And I remember I was at a camp, a huge camp, and I went to the camp to perform, and they all were screaming, gone, gone.
SPEAKER_02And I was like, what? You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_05It was and it became one of those things where um where I realized, hey bruh, just taking chances with your voice, yeah, bro, just having fun, you end up creating songs that you you you know how it is. You get a favorite song, I'm gonna ride for this for a month. I need this. It's stressful.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna wear the song out, yeah. Wear it out.
SPEAKER_05And so, but that a lot of that came from just going through my own journey. I realized, man, I'm so glad God gave me this ability to create, because it feels like it, it's it's uh, it's it's therapeutic for me.
SPEAKER_02Yes, write the song. I can just Okay, so in that, because you you you said something that I was I was already thinking that music was an outlet and an expression for you. And there's a couple things in that. One, I want to thank you because I think in let's just say secular hip hop, yeah, you see, you you see, well, especially more now, uh, because how how old are you? I'm 43. You're 43, so I'm 35. Okay. And I feel like, excuse me, I feel like we're we're starting to see, you know, Andre 3000, yeah, Snoop Dogg. Like you're starting to see a lot of these people be like, I'm not on that same thing I was on 20 years ago because I'm not that guy.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And so when Three Stacks put out that flute album, people were like, What is you doing? He's like, I'm I'm literally a middle-aged man. I'm not middle, yeah. So I say all that to say hearing you talk, take that. But your journey of mental health always being a thread that the Lord was using in your music, man. Yeah, I want to say thank you because from a creative standpoint, it could have just been easy to be like, I'm gonna make hits. Yeah. Which you got a lot of hits. Yeah, let's like don't let me like as from creative to creative, I'm like, you got a lot of bangers, bro. Yeah, but as I'm hearing you talk, that wasn't the goal. It wasn't.
SPEAKER_05And and ooh, bring in Andre 3000, who's somebody who brought, in my opinion, he was the first one to bring uh human, like humanism, being human and being mature to hip hop in a what we say cool way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now he was on some other stuff. Yes, he came. I don't know if it was um work it out, uh walk it out when he was like, make your mama proud, take that t-shirt three sizes down. Yes. That was kind of like the first time we remember that. It was like, man, he is counter, but he this sounds so cool. What what you've seen now, especially with clips, like you have clips who came out last year where you have Malice, who was no malice, who was devout Christian. Uh-huh. Stopped rapping for years. He was doing some Christian rap, doing ministry hardcore. He comes back with his brother, and they make this very mature album where he talks about losing his mom and his father. Wow. The album was incredible. You're seeing a maturity in hip-hop for a couple reasons. One is because there's the the what started as um what I would say is street music turned into trap music, which turned into drill music, and drill music became um beef records on steroids. So now back in the day in the 90s, when they used to be like, I'm real, I'm real. 2000s, I'm real, I'm real. 2010s, I'm I'm I'm real, I'm real. Then 2014, you have Chief Keith come. Now it's like, no, no. I'm so real that I just shot somebody and I'm making a song about it. Yeah. So now you have, yeah, so now you have, and I'm listen, I feel like the best music always comes from the streets. Everything, every, every I'm talking creative. Yeah, it always comes from the street. I know what you're saying because they have the strongest desire to create and get out. We had that's what I had. Like it was like get out. And I hear that. But this is what happened. What happened is drill music, though it was um it was it made some great music, it was entertaining on certain levels, it it created a culture of such authentic authenticity that rappers started dying at a very fast. The amount of rappers we've lost over the last 10 years is crazy. It is, man. It was not like that in the 2000s. It when Big Impac died, it was a huge thing. Yeah. Huge. I don't even like I don't know who we lost 2020 to 20 to 2010, but I don't know if we lost anybody that would even rival losing what hip hop has lost last year. Right. But a lot of that has become uh a lot of that's become over time is hey, we we want real. Is it real? Is it authentic? Yeah, and so now what you have, you have a lot of older rappers now because a lot of people have grown up, 35, 40s. And so now we're we got kids. We're taking kids to doctors. Facts. We got jobs, like we're living life, yeah. Paying bills. We try like we're dealing with we're dealing with women, like we haven't, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02And and that uh on that too, because yeah, I you know, I have a I have a almost 13-year-old, an 11-year-old, you know, and almost 10-year-old. So so in that, I feel like something that you're doing that I appreciate is you're giving outside of the spiritual side for a second, you're giving hip hop this idea of, hey, it's okay to grow up. But I wrote a song called And I appreciate that.
SPEAKER_05Yes, I wrote a song last year called I'm Up, right? And um it's the favorite song that I've written in years. One of the reasons is because um I I talked about my kids through it in a very natural way. And this is something that I'm really like the music that I'm making now, I'm really working to do is to say things that are authentically living. Like I have a I have a bar on this song I'm gonna put out, it's like a freestyle where I said I was like, my son got me watching Naruto. I said, I said, hold on, I'm so my son got into anime, right? I know everybody don't let the kids watch anime. Yeah, yeah. My son introduced me to Naruto. Okay, listen, I I it was one of the greatest pieces of TV I've ever seen. Great, and listen, and one of the things that when when I went to make music, um there was this, there's like this this, you know, you have like the good guy turns bad guy type thing, right? And so what happens is when I was making this song, and I I told my son, I was like, I'm gonna put this in a song. And I I said in the song how um um my son has me watching Naruto. Um and and it was like that's a reality, right? Yes, this is a reality that like I never would have thought I'd watch something like this. But my my son, I'm watching, and that phase is over now for him. Now he's moved on to football, right? And now, you know, I I couldn't relate to that season of his life, right? I really couldn't, but my son is uh very high performer in school, like he is right, he reads, he's in the sixth grade, but he reads, but he reads on like a maybe ninth grade level, maybe more. Wow, and so you know, I'm I'm watching, I'm I'm having this great experience being a father, but I'm also watching trying to be a part of things my son does without having an opinion. So without saying, without just using my past that he watches YouTube, of course. That's his life, and so now without saying, well, we used to watch, you know, Dizzy or this, just watching what he watches. Yeah, but the stuff he's watching is fine, right? And so part of this maturing, and there's a whole market for this, is realizing that a lot of us grew up, unlike our parents, they grew up with a type of music that didn't really evolve. Well, we grew up with hip-hop, hip-hop has evolved. Like we're watching, we watched Dr. Dre become a billionaire. If you knew Snoop in the 90s, you never thought he would be at the Olympics working with Martha's. You never thought this. You never you never even I don't, you know, you never really thought you might have thought more Jay-Z had a chance of becoming sure, sure, you know, but a lot of times, um, you know, the generation before is a lot of the artists, um, state art, not all, some up, some of them did some things that has a long judge, yeah. But a lot of the artists we grew up, we've seen them evolve, we've seen them get married. Yes, you know, and so our lives, this is why we still we can wear suits, but we still dress. Yep. We still because we grew up and we could do both, right? Yep. We can put on a 3P, we can put on a suit, we can wear, you know what I mean, our um Steve Matten's or whatever we wear, uh you know, our loafers, but we also have our street wear, right? Yep, yep. And this has become the evolution of us growing up, loving God, living real life, yes, knowing, realizing what our outlets are, right? Um, and using that as a balance to mature and provide mature entertainment for our age group. Yeah, right. So when now when you're listening to some of my music, you you remember back in, you know, early albums, but now you're gonna hear me talk about um my son and my daughter. Yeah, you're gonna hear me talk about actively being a parent or actively, you know, you know, buying this or investing in the stock market or learning the stock market or you know what I mean? You're gonna hear that type of stuff. Real life lessons. Yeah, real life lessons, because it's it's always been a life for me.
SPEAKER_02I love it, bro. And I it's so cool to hear you talk about that because again, a lot of times we try to hold people to the very first thing that exposed us to them, which again, in my case, would have been Christian hip hop. Yeah, but to hear you talk about mental health in a way that, correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like mental health, therapy, counseling, all of that, the ecosystem of mental health, it sounds like that's really your unique burden.
SPEAKER_05Yes, because that's what God used to really help me. I told you I grew up with um chronic pain, chronic fatigue. Uh-huh. It was that's what God used to help uh me heal from that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Like, you know, I I remember I went through a string of going to the doctor, CAT scans, IB IBP or the IPV or IVP tests and get my blood drawn and doing all these tests. That's not what helped me on that. It was going to uh therapy, having to figure out I have very deep suppressed emotions that I didn't want to deal with about how I was raised, is taking me years to actually accept it. It wasn't like oh the first time or the second time. No, it's taking me years to be like to own as an eight-year-old these situations made me feel like this, and I didn't feel safe um feeling like this. Yep. I didn't feel it wasn't the feeling, it was I didn't feel safe to feel like this. And I should have, because what I dealt with as a kid, I should not have been dealing with. So watching God um be present in my emotional suffering, which is where I need him. I need him in his suffering and nobody else understanding, right? Because I can just numb it and just be ambitious. That's why we have so much toxic ambition.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna say that that's the vast majority of what people do.
SPEAKER_05Just get ambitious, start a new business. Yes, you know, and what you realize, I but God was present in my emotional my emotional suffering, or when I need to deal with that, because I don't believe in just oh, it was over. Like you go through certain things, it takes years. There's there's a reason he's the author and a perfector of our faith. Like that is a journey, right? And so you're right. God used the mental health structure to show me how much I needed him, how how to feel when nobody else understands, and you need to be okay with it. Don't try to get everybody to understand what you're going through. That's your journey. I'm here for you. You I'll bring people along to help you in that area. I'll bring some safe people. One of the first books a therapist gave me, first book was called Safe People, Change My Life. Come on. Safe People, Change My Life. Because you then you realize, okay, I can't, everybody ain't safe. They might be physically safe. Listen, but they're not emotionally safe. Facts. Majority of people are not emotionally safe. Facts. So you can't tell them certain things because they're gonna see it through their lens. So when you tell me about that, I'm gonna say, man, man. Right. Or man, he's saying that it ain't that big a deal. Look at look, he's on stages. What do you what are you complaining about?
SPEAKER_02Yep. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_05So see what he's driving. What is he? I know B just got a bone. What are you complaining about, bro? Like, you know what his mom did, what his father did to him? What he talking about? And he's like, no, what about children? This is why the the the the journey of being a child of God is amplified now because I we're like, I I am a child, I gotta stay a child. I'm on a stage, but I gotta stay a child.
SPEAKER_02Yes, bro. You know what I mean? And there's more nuance to you than just the stage.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02And so if I only relegate you to just that expression of who you are, yeah, I miss the fullness and the journey of what God's done in you.
SPEAKER_04Exactly.
SPEAKER_02And I just want to take a moment, I just want to say to everybody that's listening, like, you you guys know I'm pro-mental health. If you listen to anything that we we've talked about, like this is an aspect of our journey with Jesus that we cannot ignore.
SPEAKER_04Yes.
SPEAKER_02And in fact, ignoring it can cause more problems that we're asking God to heal us from, but we've really just trapped ourselves. And can God do that? Absolutely. Yeah. But oftentimes the trap and the prison that we feel ourselves being in is because we have not allowed, allowed ourselves to actually feel the things that we were designed to feel.
SPEAKER_05Designed to feel. That's it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, bro. Yes. I think another thing too, just as you're talking, is this resonates with me, bro, because this is, I feel like this is the season of life that I'm in like currently. Yeah. Of I want to be a safe person. Like this, this show, I want to be a safe husband. Yeah. I want to be a safe father. Yeah. I want to be a safe uncle, a safe pastor, a safe, you know, I do music too. We can talk about that later. But it's like, I want to be a safe musician. I want to be a safe, like whoever I'm encountering, I want them to be like, Antoine's safe. That's a safe. I could just, I could say that I looked at something I shouldn't have been looking at last night. And I know that while there may be conversations that need to happen and ramifications of that, in this moment, he's gonna hold, hold me, hold space for me to just say that. And what I okay, the other thing I've realized in my in my personal mental health and therapy journey too, bro, is the idea that you're saying with not everybody safe. I've even the nuance that I've I've learned and even with family members, if I'm honest, you know, humble where we talk about the real stuff, yeah. But not everybody can emotionally handle, they don't have the capacity to handle this version of me. So while I'm on this version of me and healing and uh and you know, emotional health and da-da-da-da-da. My wife and I have worked hard at this over the years. And it's like, but I I also realize that certain people I talk to, they're not on that, they don't have language for that, and they don't have the capacity to handle my vulnerability.
SPEAKER_05And you and they and who you were before you dealt with it was convenient for them, and now it's yeah, facts.
SPEAKER_02Facts, bro. So I appreciate this conversation so much, man. Because I think, you know, through the even through the lens of hip hop, through the lens, and I love what you said, the the uh juxtaposition of you saw this in Memphis, but you saw this in Oklahoma.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And so, like you said, that the the expression was different and in some ways worse in the suburban side, the burb side, but it's still this level of brokenness that we all deal with, this sinful and fallen world that we're in. Yeah. And when you can't talk about that in a way that leads to healing and that helps you relegate and regulate what you're actually feeling, yeah. Um, we stay trapped. And I honestly, I feel like that's the trick of the enemy. Oh, when it comes to uh emotional health specifically, is if I could keep you bound, yeah, there's a reason the Bible says renew your mind. So if I can keep your mind bound, yeah, you'll never access the level of healing that you're supposed to have. So you could be on stages, yeah, you could be in church. Hey, church it uh church, you whatever. Or career going career ambition, yes, business work or not work. Yes, sir. Yes, yes, and still be bound. And so I I love this conversation, bro, because I think what what you're giving people permission to do, and I pray for everybody listening, what you're giving them permission to do is it is it's it's okay to not be okay. Yeah, it's okay to get help. Yep, and there is your emotions are more important than oftentimes we give credit for, or maybe even what we were taught. And so that's good. Thank thank you. Thank you for this conversation. Thank you for your journey, bro. I feel like, like literally, when I listen to your music now, and even just watch your stuff on social media, again, you're not, you're not just a an artist. You are, but you're so much more than that. You're a father, you're a minister, you're a speaker, man. And so, but I feel like though, listening through your your creativity through the expression of music, that I'm gonna hear a different nuance of who you are. And certain certain bars that are here, I'm like, oh, that's because of the that's because of the work he's done. Yeah, that's the healing coming out. Yep. Bro, this is good. This is so good, man. That's good. Bro, I I appreciate you you coming on here and saying all this, giving us context to your story. This has been so, this has been such a blessing for me, and I know it's gonna be a blessing to the community, but uh man, with the remainder of our time, bro, any final thoughts that you would love to share for our community as as people are listening?
SPEAKER_05Uh I will say, um you are a child of God, you're always a child. You never outgrow being a child of God. And to be a child, have childlike faith, have child energy, and be vulnerable to the Lord. If you find yourself at a space where you don't have the ability to be vulnerable to the Lord, then you've probably stepped out of being a child or feel like you've outgrown it. And and the especially the way our society is going, um you we're in a space where mental and emotional intelligence matters more than it ever has. Um and I believe, I believe, um, I believe in therapy, but I believe in good therapists. Uh, I don't believe all therapies are created equal. Um, but I believe even in therapy, you should be in prayer. You should not be avoiding uncomfortable or relationship. Well, you're gonna want to avoid sometime. But uncomfortable emotions does not mean the process is wrong. That means you're going right. And be patient with yourself, be patient with the process, and remember all no matter what happens, you have a faithful God, a God who's gracious and understanding, and be nice to yourself.
SPEAKER_02I love that. Be nice to yourself, be nice to yourself. Be nice to your your your current self and your past self. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, bro. We we be beating ourselves up, and it's like you knew you did what you did based upon what you knew at the time. Yep. And now you know better, do better. The the the Bible way to say that is Jesus said, go sin no more.
SPEAKER_04Yes.
SPEAKER_02So it's okay. Yep. It's okay. So, man, thank you so much. I feel it just in this moment to end our time, man, that I'm I'm sure there's someone listening that maybe this is the first time they've heard someone like yourself through the expression of who you are, uh, all the nuances of who you are, say this is okay conversation to have. So, man, would you be opposed to to praying for the community right now?
SPEAKER_05Definitely. Father God, I thank you for your goodness, your mercy, your grace. Thank you for the spirit of wisdom and understanding and the knowledge of you. I pray that everyone's listening. If someone has hidden pain, suppression of emotions, they're scared, they feel such deep shame for either things they've done or things they've felt. I pray the spirit of wisdom and understanding and the knowledge of you, that they will feel the comfort that you will send safe people around them to begin that process and they will always know that you're there. Yes, sir. In Jesus' name we pray.
SPEAKER_02Amen. Amen. Amen. My dude, thank you so much. Most definitely, bro. Will you come back if I invite you back, bro? Because I feel like there's more. There it is. I was gonna say, I feel like there's more we could have talked about. Yeah, but I want to honor your time today. And bro, thank you for being a brother in the faith. Uh, man, I we we can talk even other creative stuff later, but but man, I just want to say thank you so much for blessing our community today. Most definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, listen, y'all. This has been woof. I I there was a lot in this episode. And this may be one you want to go back and watch again because Fidel said so many great things. He dropped a lot of just good one-liners that I think for your life will help you really just determine the next step. That could just be to stop what you're doing right now and pray. It could be, hey, you've been sitting on this idea of going to therapy and you haven't done it yet. Like Fidale said, not all therapists are created equal. Do your research, talk to some people that you know that you trust and go to therapy. It has changed Fidel's life. It's changed my life. And I would not be even able to do this show, do this podcast, and be talking to you right now if it wasn't for me talking to someone that was clinically licensed to help me walk through and process through my life. So you need that. And if you're on, if you're listening to humble when we talk about the real sub, we're having more conversations like these. Why? Because God wants to bless who you actually are. It wants to rescue the real you as you are on this real journey of healing. He wants that for you because he loves you. So, with that, I'm not going to get preachy. But until next time, I love you guys. Thanks for watching today, and I can't wait to see you for another episode. Peace. Thank you so much for checking out this episode of the Humble Podcast. And here's my prayer is that something that was shared through the content today resonates with you in a way that changes your life. And I can actually use your help with something. While you're watching this, would you mind subscribing to what we're doing on YouTube? As you do that, that helps other people to be able to see and value what we're doing, just like you do. But also tap that bell icon so you never miss an episode. Next, if you are listening on Spotify and on Apple, leave us a review or comment so that way other people can see what God is doing. And lastly, I would love to invite you into the Patreon community. Simply go to patreon.com slash humble podcast and you can become a patron where you can financially support what we're doing. That gives you access to perks and rewards and like special QA's and different things like that that I'm doing. So that way this community can actually be one where we foster vulnerability and we talk about our real stories and our real journeys with Jesus. Thank you so much for doing that, and I cannot wait to see you next time.