Breaking Generational Patterns and Limiting Beliefs as a Woman with Kirsty Mason

In this episode of Unshakeable Talks, Katy sits down with certified identity coach Kirsty Mason to explore what it really means to become the main character in your life and business. From being literally trained to stay invisible as a sign language interpreter, to standing on stages and leading women through deep mindset and nervous system work, Kirsty shares the messy, honest truth behind reinvention in your 30s and 40s. They talk about money stories, visibility fears, generational patterns, motherhood, relationships, and why surface-level ‘good vibes only’ mindset work will never create the freedom you’re craving.

Key Takeaways:

Your career can reflect your childhood beliefs

Kirsty realised she had spent 16 years in a job that literally kept her quiet, mirroring a childhood belief that she ‘wasn’t important enough to be heard’. Once she saw this pattern, she understood why she had chosen a role that kept her in the shadows and why it no longer felt aligned.

Deep mindset work goes beyond journaling

What most of us consume online is surface-level mindset: gratitude lists, affirmations and ‘think positive’ content that doesn’t touch the beliefs we’ve carried for decades. True transformation needs subconscious work and nervous system regulation, not just nicer thoughts on paper.

Your nervous system has an income ceiling too

You can only earn as much as your nervous system can safely hold, which is why so many women hit the same money ceiling no matter how hard they work. Unless you work on your relationship with money and your capacity to receive, strategy alone will always feel like it’s not working.

Success is personal, not a 10k month

The online obsession with 5k and 10k months creates pressure, shame and comparison for women who are actually doing really well by their own standards. Success might look like freedom of choice, flexibility, or feeling present with your kids, not a number.

Generational change starts in your living room

Kirsty sees herself as a ‘generational chain breaker’, intentionally changing the language she uses, how she talks about money, and the way she models possibility to her children. 

If you enjoyed this episode, you can connect with Kirsty on Instagram @kirsty_mason_coaching. You can also listen to Kirsty’s Secret Free Podcast ‘Selling on Stories Like a CEO’ where she teaches how to create consistent, predictable sales through your Instagram stories. 

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Unshakeable Talks! If this episode helped you, make sure you hit subscribe so you never miss an episode, and leave a review to share your thoughts - I love hearing from you. 

Follow me on Instagram @i.am.katy.schweiger and @unshakeabletalks for updates, behind-the-scenes moments, and to connect with our unshakeable community.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Welcome to the Unshaker for Talks with me, Katie Schweiger. This is not just another podcast. This is your girls' chat for business women. I'm going to speak to women in business and we're not just gonna have a normal conversation. We are speaking about what it really takes to build a business, to scale a business, why we are doing business and what are the real challenges. What are the things no one actually talks out loud? What are the things which are holding us back and what are the things which are really driving us to do what we're doing? So I believe running a business as a woman isn't harder, but it is different. So it's time we actually start talking about it. Let's get into it. Today at the Unshakable Talks, I'm talking to Kirsty Mason, and Kirsty is a certified identity coach for high-vibe women, and she is teaching them to become the main character within their business. This episode really challenged some beliefs I had. Welcome to the Unshakable Talks, Kirsty. I love having you. So let's start with the cheers.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Cheers, cheers. Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_03 1:06

Oh, lovely, lovely, isn't it? Best way to start today. Definitely. I want to dive in straight away with you because we recently met. So I don't know much about you, which I find quite interesting. But when we had a chat before this uh recording, you have an incredibly interesting story because you're actually a trained um sign language. You do you used to do 16 years of sign language, didn't you? Yeah. And the reason why I find this really interesting is because it is it is a profession and a job where you almost like being kept quiet.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:41

So how did that shape you within your life and within the the decision making of doing what you're doing now, being an identity culture?

SPEAKER_00 1:51

Yeah. So yeah, you're right. It was really interesting. So when I started my self-development journey about four years ago, you know, you dig into all of the things that you've been through, you look back in your past, and I realized that I had kept myself quiet, like in so many parts of my life. And I realized that I had taken on a career that had kept me in the shadows. So with interpreting, you only communicate, sorry, facilitate communication between deaf and hearing people. You can't give your opinions, you can't give your ideas, your thoughts. So you are pretty much silenced. And when I kind of then went back into my past, into my childhood, it completely hit the nail on the head of one of the beliefs I held, which was that I wasn't important enough to be heard. So I found it so interesting. I was like, I've gone into a job that has just continued to silence me. Then I looked at myself and I thought, I'm not somebody that will say how I feel. So if you know, like with a partner, I would always be the one that would go, okay, and then be really pissed off afterwards, you know. Um but yeah, it was just really interesting how that had kind of come out in this career. And once I realised that, I was like, well, this doesn't align with me anymore. Now I want to start using my voice, which is why I then became a coach.

SPEAKER_03 3:07

And about what was that point where you actually started your self-development uh journey and uh figured this one out? Because to me it sounds like you subconsciously um chosen this path of career, obviously, for whatever happened within your past. But what was the turning point where you actually decided, okay, something doesn't feel quite right here. Um, let me kind of investigate or let me go on this journey and figure out why I feel the way I feel.

SPEAKER_00 3:34

Yeah, so I was a party animal in my 20s, like seriously, you know, going out, getting drunk, doing things I shouldn't be doing. Um, and when I started, I got to a point where I had my two children, but I still had this urge to just go and have complete blowouts all the time. Like it's like this, I would have this build-up of um being a mum, emotions, everything else. It's like, right, I've just got to go out and get absolutely wasted for the night, you know, and just then I would obviously feel guilty the next day because I was hungover, but it kind of like my husband calls it a valve release. It's like I kind of get to this point where it just has to go and then I'm okay again. And I just thought I can't be doing this anymore. I've got two kids. Like, what is what's going on for me? Like, why do I still feel this need to like really let my hair down, but not not in a way where it's appropriate for a mum with two children.

SPEAKER_03 4:31

Well, what is appropriate for a mum with two children? That's a whole different other subject.

SPEAKER_00 4:35

I know, but it is totally, um, and also, you know, I carried a lot. If I'm honest, and I'm happy to talk about this because it I know I know sometimes people don't want to, but my parents split on when I was eight, and at 32 years old, I was still carrying the resentment from that, not because they separated, but the emotional shit that happened in that um that was the catalyst, I think, to how what my behaviour was. Um, and so I just thought, I'm 32, I've got two kids, like I'm still finding that I can't manage the emotions of like what happened when my parents were splitting up. I've got to do something about it. I I can't, it's just ridiculous. So I was putting the washing away in my daughter's room one day, and I listened to a podcast for the first time. I'd never never listened to one before. I love the law of attraction, so I just put into Google, um, into Apple Podcasts, law of attraction, and something came up. And I listened to this podcast, and that's what started my self-development journey, and I've never looked back, it's completely changed my life.

SPEAKER_03 5:33

So, a lot of people would um buy the books, listen to the podcast, and do all of those things. But what was actually the first tangible thing which really made a difference to you?

SPEAKER_00 5:45

You done so the first thing I worked on was my money mindset. I had a crazy relationship with money, so I moved to Cyprus for 18 months. Okay. Um, I just I'd wanted to do something different in my life, and it was fantastic. Came back, 23 grand in debt, and I came back and I was like, How the hell am I gonna get out of this? And I had a really bad relationship with money, so I would save money, but I would have credit cards, overdrafts, loans, and it was just really imbalanced. And once I started to work on my money mindset, it other things sort of came up for me. Um, I paid off my my overdraft, I paid off my credit card, I paid off my loan, but not only that, but I earned£23,000 more in that tax year because I worked on my money mindset and I was like, shit, this works. Yeah, I didn't do anything differently in my business, I just worked on my money and my rel my relationship with money and my money mindset, and I was like, okay, this is where actually a lot of the stuff that we experience is mindset. Yeah, so that's when it took me down this massive rabbit hole.

SPEAKER_03 6:54

It all starts with mindset, isn't it? It's all about how we think and feel about a certain thing, or most importantly, about ourselves um and what we deserve or what we should be kind of uh doing. But when was the point you actually made the change in terms of giving up your career as a um language interpreter and starting your coaching business? Because you are very new within the coaching industry, and um I say this because you told me I can say this, and I find this really inspiring because a lot of women actually don't take that step, they want to take, or they know their need to take when we hit a certain age bracket.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Yeah, definitely. I think when you hit like your 40s, that's the best, best time. But I agree. Um but what was the point, the turning point for me? I think it was just it was just to a point where I was like, I'm just not happy in my career, it doesn't align with me. I once I worked on being confident with using my own voice to stop being hidden away. When I went through all of this self-development for probably about three years, so I only launched my coaching business last year. Yeah, I thought, you know what? The amount of work that I've done on myself in the last three years is insane. To go from how I felt about myself, which I realize now I fucking hated myself, I was sabotaging myself, I really wasn't looking after me to go through that journey and then to come out the other side and be how I am now. I was like, I want to teach women to do the same because I get I'm a very much a people person, I love to help people, it's always been in me. I'm a Gemini, I love to communicate, and I just think the thought of women being at home and having these amazing ideas and things that they want to do, but they're telling themselves that they can't, and they are struggling with beliefs that I used to have, just makes me feel really sad. So I'm just on this mission to just support women to be like anything is possible. You literally can do anything, work on the mindset. The strategy stuff, you know, it's not that work on the mindset first, and you can just be anybody.

SPEAKER_03 9:01

See, I'm gonna have to throw something back at you there because I'm a little bit on offense when it comes to mindset. Yes, mindset, in my opinion, is extremely important and it's almost like a foundation pillar of what you're doing. But I struggle with um the whole concept within the industry, specifically online, that everyone barks on about just mindset, just have a good mindset, just journal every morning, be grateful every evening, and yes, that is definitely part of it. I do those things, but it that doesn't move the needle alone. It I think it's a good starting point, but I think we're running the the wrist of almost a false promising change to people because the way I see it is most of the times, and it was the same for you, it was the same for me, when we embark on this journey of self-development, it usually comes from a great point of pain. Yeah, it comes from a dis satisfaction or what whatever it is, it's usually a point of pain, and then clinging to just this one thing of mindset can be quite dangerous, can it? Because you this alone won't give you the results you actually need or you're desiring to have. Yeah, so what would you say back to me?

SPEAKER_00 10:16

What I would say is that what you have been consuming is is surface level mindset work, so you uh surface level uh mindset information, yeah. You know, you can't be grateful if you're going for a shit time in your life, you know. You're just basically writing empty words, and I get that. You journaling is great, journaling doesn't suit everybody, but it's so much deeper than that. But it's not just with the subconscious mind that you work on, it's using the nervous system as well, which is what I use, uh, which is what I teach. There's so much more to it, but what we see online is this really sort of surface-level, but you know, like the um iceberg analogy, yes, mindset goes all the way down, yeah, but people only go to the surface, they only do, as you say, the basic stuff. Why do you think that is? Because not a lot of people teach the real deep stuff, and as you say, I think some some people get so drawn into that. Oh, I can be made to feel better, you know, this can change about my life. So let's journal, let's do let's do affirmations, let's look in the mirror and say, I am powerful, I am a you know, a great person, whatever. It doesn't work if you are carrying a belief that you have carried for your whole life, that's not gonna work. There's so much, there's many more layers that you need to go through, and it's not only working with the mind, as I said, it's working with the body, the nervous system. And this is the mistake people make. And I get so many clients come to me, they'll go, I've been doing mindset work for so many years. I can't, why am I not hitting like why am I my income ceiling? Why am I not going any further? It's like, have you done the nervous system alongside the mindset? No, well, that's why.

SPEAKER_03 11:58

I always say, um, this whole everyone thrives to have a certain income. Let if you want to talk about money and online, especially, it's like we want to hit this 10k month, 50k month, or whatever, whatever that number is, and even though um it's part of my teaching, I must admit, because you're consuming it all the time when you're online, especially when you're working online, I I'm not immune from sometimes having dealt within myself or actually having to go through that period where I thought, bloody hell, how is she making 50k a month? And I'm like working like a dog here, I'm doing all the things. I've got 20 plus years of experience within business, and I still can't get to this point. What the hell am I missing? What is it? Am I not journaling enough? Am I not doing this enough? Is my strategy off? So I think we're not immune to this, but what has to change for us women? Because I think women are specifically receptive of like the things we think we should be doing or the things we feel other people think about us, and therefore we have to kind of mute ourselves or change and adapt and be palatable. So, what has to change? Like, if I would be your client and would tell you, I we I know what to do, but I really struggle with like that self-belief, what would you tell but like what would be the first thing we would start working on?

SPEAKER_00 13:25

So you can only earn as much as your nervous system can hold. Yeah. So, firstly, to answer the first part of that question, it really pisses me off this whole 10k months, hit 5k months for two reasons. Firstly, success means something different to everybody. Some people might be happy and earning 2k a month. Absolutely, yeah. But because there's this 5k 10k, it's this pressure that you're like, I need to earn more. So now I'm actually I'm not good enough. And as you've rightly said, I can't hit that, so it's making you feel like shit. Secondly, they're not making 10k. How much have they actually had to spend out for that? Their profit might be 1k, so you're not, and this is what really annoys me about Instagram and you know the other platforms as well. It's like people are wearing a mask, they want to come across, like you know, they're really successful. Let's be fucking open because people like me and you who you know, for me, I'm at the beginning of my business. I want people to be open and be like, Do you know what? I've spent 10k this month, but actually, um, I only made a minus, you know, I'm minus one. Um, I actually had a conversation with a lady a while ago, she's um somebody that I kind of met on the scene, and she's just hit 100k in her business. And I saw her, and we were chatting, she's like, I've just had to take an 8k loan out.

SPEAKER_03 14:48

So that's quite powerful, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 14:50

Yeah, and that's the reality of things. But say it, be open and honest because I think with this whole like you know, trying to look like we are these massively successful people, it's making people feel shit at the same time. Let's be honest. You might have had a 10k launch, but you spent 11k to make it happen. Let's just be honest about that. Why are we not? Yeah, because we're supporting each other, you know. We're we're there for me, I'm so supportive. Like, I want to show, and I'm very honest on my Instagram. I just I want to show people like what works and what doesn't, and I want people to be validated from that as well.

SPEAKER_03 15:26

Yeah, um so village of responsibility almost lies in each and every one of us 100% because we are the ones who are putting out that content. I never really speak about money on my Instagram for that particular reason, yeah, because it's so much more than just a carousel post, isn't it? It's so much more behind it. So I choose not to talk about money on my Instagram, really. Um, but I also understand how business works extremely well. So I know that a lot of the times when they put it out there, this is actually not what's happening, and it's it's so dangerous for women who um which I work a lot with, women who want to start a business, want to leave their nine to five with them, want to start a business. It becomes so overwhelming, this pressure, and so unattainable as well. So it's just unrealistic. So that's really the reason why I don't like to talk about money. But I think um the point you said about success is a really, really good one because I've been recently asked at the networking event we both attended what success means to me, and I knew exactly what that lady wanted. She wanted me to throw out a number um a financial success. And my answer to this was for me, success means the freedom of choice. Yeah, that is what for me success means. That may look completely different for you or for anyone else listening to this episode. But I also know that you are extremely passionate about um degeneration conditioning and stuff of girls because you have two little girls. So I would really like you to uh talk about this a little bit because I find this actually really inspiring, and I feel we don't really speak about this enough. What us as women and mothers really motivates us, what why we're doing what we're doing.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Yeah, so I've got an eight and a five-year-old, and I believe that one of my purposes on this earth is to be a generational chain breaker because of I I believe you know we can only we can we can take what we can take. Sorry, the universe only gives us what we can take, and I believe that my experience has got me to this point where I know that I have to make a change for the future. So it's all about all about self-belief. So for example, the not important enough to be heard, uh you know, when you were younger, be quiet, just fell over there, go on, go in your bedroom. I don't say that to my children, as much. I mean, I'm not 100%. You do want them to go to the bedroom sometimes. I'm like, we could just fuck off for a minute. Um but it's more thinking of the language, the way that you speak to them. It's like, you know, indoor voice, and it's just you know, maybe just a little bit quieter. You just have to think about how you speak to them because you know, if you're like be quiet, what's happening is you're just going to be creating another version of me.

SPEAKER_02 18:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

And I know it's not easy when you're a mum and you get these moments and it's really stressful, you know, we we're not 100% perfect, but we have to think about the way that we speak to our children, the way that we role model to our children. So I grew up in um a family, they're all housewives, yeah, and I'm myself and my cousin, we're the first women with careers. And I say to the girls, you can do whatever you want to do, you can be whoever you want to be, there's no limits. I will support you, and I want them to know that there isn't any limits, and we do put limitations on ourselves because of what we've experienced as children. You know, we have that belief where we can't do what we want to do because you know, we've been told, you know, there's not enough money or we haven't got enough money for this. I don't talk about money in front of the children, you know. I th I I I say things are expensive, I make them aware, but I don't say we haven't got enough because I'm teaching lack.

SPEAKER_03 19:06

I I did exactly the same raising my daughter and she's 23 now. Um, we've never spoken about money in a way of like saying X amount of money comes into the household, this is what things cost. We obviously, in a context of this is too expensive, or obviously I taught her budgeting. That was always kind of my really I was really, really um set on this to make her understand how money works and how you can make it work best for you. And I think I've done a really good job in this. But she has she still has god knows Scooby-Doo-By what our monthly outcomes are outgoings are, and I that can be um a I think it's a really, really good thing, but now when they're older, it can also be quite a shock to them when they don't actually realize what things cost, yes. So I think this is about a balanced strike uh to be struck here, isn't it? Yes, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

Yeah, you know, you don't want to go down this whole scarcity thing and be like, we can't afford this, we can't afford that, but also you need to be realistic when they want to go online and you know constantly buy all these things. It's like there needs to be a balance, absolutely, but it's teaching, you know. I sometimes say, well, if if you do want to, like, you know, let's do a couple of things at home and I'll give you some money. I love that. Again, I don't think you should just give children money because that's not how it is in life. You do have to earn. At 14, I had a job and I was saving up for my driving lessons. So did I.

SPEAKER_03 20:23

I used to do paper vans, and so did my daughter actually. Um she was qualified as a swimming instructor at the age of 14. She didn't have to work, she got a little bit of pocket money. But I I said to her, if you want more money, you're gonna have to get a job.

SPEAKER_00 20:35

Yeah, and I and I just think all of these things, like you know, there was a lot of like lack around money, and so I grew up with really bad issues with money, as I've obviously already said, and I don't want the kids to to do that. Um, and I also feel like I want to be a really good role model. I want to show not only like other women, but I want to show my kids that anything is possible. Yeah, you can have all these thoughts about yourself, you can have like a lack of confidence, you can feel however you feel about yourself, but you can do the work to get to whatever point you want to be.

SPEAKER_03 21:12

You don't who you are now isn't who you need to stay and who you need to be forever, you can change, and I think this is um a really, really important thing, and our generation is quite stuck in this, and it's like the conditioning we had for our childhood and adolescent. Yeah, I think I feel like our generation of women, we are the ones who are starting to unpack this, and when I look at my daughter's generation, they are already the ones who are not really taking conditioning on like this. So tell me about you the women you work with because you have created this amazing program, the main character shift.

SPEAKER_00 21:51

Um, tell me about this. So, yeah, the main character shift is teaching women to become the main character in the business. So I focus around. Money and visibility. Um, now if you don't work on your money mindset, you're gonna hit an income ceiling and you're not gonna get any further. You're also gonna hold yourself back. So I hear so many times women go, I've got the most amazing ideas in my notebook. And I'm like, okay, so what you do do you do to execute them? Oh, nothing. Or you know, when you get a really good idea and you run with it, and then you get to a point where you're gonna start launching it, or you know, things start to get a little bit deeper and you pull your and expensive, yeah, and expensive, yeah. You've got to invest money and time, you pull back. So you're always going to do this, and you'll do this with like the visibility. So a lot of women like that I support, they have businesses, really good businesses, but they're not getting the clients in that they need, they get them more from like referrals or you know, word of mouth, so they know okay, I need to get on social media because it's a free platform. I know we have everyone has a love-hate relationship with it, but in there it's a free platform and it reaches millions of people, um, but they don't they have again they don't want to go behind the camera. It's all this like fear of judgment is the biggest thing.

SPEAKER_03 23:09

But you struggled with this though, don't you? Because um, if I remember correctly, it took you two years to for the first time to show up on Instagram.

SPEAKER_00 23:18

It did, it took me two years, literally. I wanted to set up an account, yeah. I just couldn't do it. I would pick up my phone and I couldn't even do it because I was worried, this is actually mental. It's not okay, it's not mental because I don't want to discredit anybody that has is experiencing this at the moment, but my fear was there was two girls that I went to school with, they were not the nice girls, yeah. My fear was that they would see me on my Instagram and think I was a dick. I haven't seen it for 25 years, but they they I was giving all of my power to these two girls for like over two years, and once I did the inner work and I kind of came out the other side, I was like, what am I doing? But then what was my reframe was that actually what I post on social media might help them, and that's when it changed for me. Do you know what?

SPEAKER_03 24:12

I think a lot of us have a story like this. Um let me ask you because I can relate to this. I I think it took me half a day to do to record my first like 10 or 20 second story I put on Instagram. And I remember it today. I was sitting outside in the garden in front of my laptop and re-recording, re-recording, re-recording. My hair was right, the sunglasses weren't clean, I I stumbled over my birth. It was always something, and I was afraid of people who know me, like from my daughter's school or from like back in the days when I was in school, and judge me. But what I did, and I hold my hands up for this to kind of counteract this. I actually went on a journey of looking them up and thinking, well, they haven't done that well in life, so it can't be that bad if I show up now online. So I actually had to remind myself, and not in a nasty or bitchy way, I just had to remind myself actually, I've come quite a long way. I've what like how my life is right now, it's actually great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that made me kind of show up. Obviously, nowadays it's so much easier for me. I mean, I don't really give a flying monkey nowadays. I mean, you see me with my chival headband and everything on Instagram nowadays, but um it become I feel like it becomes so much easier even on the bad days if you do it more often. Yeah, definitely. But it definitely was a struggle, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_00 25:41

Yeah, and I think as well, when you're at a level that we're at, and this is what I've noticed, when you're at a level that we're at, we are we are doing a lot more than most people are doing. Yeah, like in the world that we're in, things like going on podcasts, going to networking events, standing on stages and giving talks, that's actually normal. But for me, when I kind of when I kind of think of like the school mums, yeah, I'm like if they actually knew that I had a podcast, that I went and talked on stages, they'd be like, oh my god, like you're famous.

SPEAKER_03 26:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:19

But actually, I'm not, I'm just normal. But it's who it's the people that you mix with, you grow with them. So we've got to a point where talking on Instagram every single day is finally become normal, yeah. But it actually isn't to everybody else. So kind of having that mindset, I suppose, has been helpful to kind of think, well, actually, yeah, I'm doing way more than everybody else.

SPEAKER_03 26:43

But what also becomes important is who you surround yourself with. And this is this is like everything I stand for, and what I'm so passionate about is that we women need to start creating our business bestie circles. Yeah, because none none of our mummy friends or old friends can actually relate to the journey we are having, so and therefore the expectations we're putting on them is completely wrong. And that's why we are disappointed all the time. We can't get the support, the understanding, the cheering on, or whatever we are seeking at that very moment from those people because they don't get it, they don't lay at uh awake at night at 2 a.m. and uh kind of festiving over this one little decision we have to make, uh they they just don't get it, and it's absolutely fine. Yeah, but actually coming to this point and realizing this is a bit of a journey, and most of us, because we're so hung up in kind of trying to please people, trying to get the validation from the people around us, missing that point and missing the the pace where it's actually so liberating to surround yourself with other women and not seeing them as a threat or as a competition or as I don't know, someone who does something similar to me, and actually seeing them as someone who gets me.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:01

Do you have that circle of women around you?

SPEAKER_00 28:03

Yeah, I do. I I dip in and out of like different circles as well because I think it's nice to experience different people. Um, but I it I just it I feel sometimes I'm in I've got two different identities. I'm like in this identity, which I absolutely love, and then I kind of go to like old friends and the school mums, and I kind of fall into somebody completely different, somebody that I used to be. Yeah, and there is uh it's really tricky because I think when you grow and you expand as much as like we have, and obviously we're both gonna go even further in our lives. You do outgrow people, and it's so hard that transition period where you you know you've known them for so long, but yet you don't align with them anymore, and it's kind of like the guilt that you want the friendship, but actually we've got nothing in common anymore. Yeah, but yeah, it's it's a really hard place to be.

SPEAKER_03 29:02

Do you struggle with this a lot because I I don't anymore, and that may sound extremely harsh, but um and I can't actually pinpoint when it started and I don't struggle with this anymore. I think it's definitely to do with that I'm incredibly happy with myself and with the life I'm creating, and everything I do is because I want to create a life which suits me rather than what I think I should be doing. Um, so I don't really don't get me wrong, I had to kind of part ways with a friend last year, the beginning of last year. Yeah, it stung a little bit. Um, but I don't hold resentment, I don't really fester over it, it just happened because, like you said, we weren't aligned anymore. My values and my standards are extremely high, so as soon as that doesn't match anymore, I do tend to step away in a nice way. Yeah, but I would assume for you it's maybe a little bit more difficult because your children are also younger. Yeah. Because when Robin was young, I struggled with this massively.

SPEAKER_00 30:08

I think I've now got to the point where I have two different hats, unlike this hat, which is the hat that I love, but also I've got like a smaller group of friends, like you know, my mum friends and my old friends, and that circle has definitely got smaller, but I'm okay with that. Good. Um, they're like my you know, my ride or dies. Um, but then obviously, then I'm growing this brand new community and group of friends now that are the ones that light me up in like a very different way that I learn from, that I really feel that I can be myself with um and expand and have more of an impact. It's a completely different feeling than you know, my my sort of like close friends are the ones that we just get drunk on prosecco on a Friday. And you need them, Dud.

SPEAKER_03 30:53

You do, don't you? You can't just be in the world of work, work, work, work, work and mummy, mummy, mummy. Yeah, you need that outlet. And like you said earlier, you sabotage yourself uh big time back in the days because you overindulged into this part, but actually finding a balance is exactly what we need. We don't just we're not just cursed to who is a businesswoman, we don't you're not just cursey who is a mum, you are cursed here as well. Yeah, and I think that's really important um for women to learn.

SPEAKER_00 31:22

It is, but we do wear these labels, don't we? Like we're a wife or a mum, we're a businesswoman, and I think along the way you do lose yourself and you need to work out who am I, especially when you transition into this world of like entrepreneurship, and I I love it, it's like an amazing world to be in. But you you do you go through this, like gosh, who am I? Um, but I kind of feel like I've got that good balance now. But I definitely did struggle just working out who I was, where I fitted as well, because I felt like I didn't fit anywhere, yeah. Um, but yes, but you need to also just be you, but it's hard as you say, when you're thinking about your business at 2am, and then you've got the kids, and you know, you've got your your wife as well, it's like there's very little time just for us.

SPEAKER_03 32:05

I really had to um come to terms with internally, and that was just me. It was I always thought it's society or it's what's been put on me, but I really had to terms with it's my own limitations I put on myself. I thought for the longest time ever that I can't be like the traditional wife and a traditional mummy because I've really enjoyed that part and love the hustle at the same time. So that was my internal struggle. I really had to come to terms with, and I actually think those labels you just mentioned, I see them as a compliment. I love being called a wife, I love being called a mum, and I love being like I love when people say, Oh, you're baking bread. I'm like, hell yeah, I'm baking bread. I love baking bread, it's not always good, but I love baking bread. But I also love the hustle, and I love that I am actually able to do all of it.

SPEAKER_00 32:52

Yeah, yeah, no, exactly. You know, everybody again, that's your nervous system in print. It's how much you can manage. Some people can't manage it all, yeah. Um, and I think as well, that when you've got really young children and trying to like look after them in the school holidays, like we've just come off the back of a holiday, you've got that. It's just really difficult to be a mum, be a present mum, have the business because I know a lot of people don't talk about this, but your for me, this is my experience, and I know so many women are gonna agree with this. My business gives me something that my children can't. Absolutely, and I felt guilty about that once, but I don't now because it's just how it is. I love my kids, but you know, at that at they're eight and five, and you know, I'm at the stage where they can't even get their own drink, you know, I'm having to do everything for them. You get no thanks for it. Yeah, you don't get anything. No, so actually, when you go into business and you're meeting all these incredible women, and women are saying to you, Oh my god, what you said the other day like really helped me think about this, and you know, you're you're doing all these things, it's like it's just so I can't explain the feeling, it's just amazing. It's it feels so good, it makes you feel validated, it makes you feel happy. Absolutely, but you're kind of sometimes in the trenches as a mum when they're young, and you just think, Oh, I just can't, it's not very not very comparable at the moment.

SPEAKER_03 34:18

I had this conversation actually, I think, yesterday with someone, yesterday, the day before, and we were speaking exactly about this. She has small two small children, and um she said, Um, I don't really feel like a lot of people understand what I'm going through when it's a school holiday time because she's extremely attentive to her business um and to her clients and everything outside of the school holiday holiday times. But this time at the Easter holidays, she really struggled um to show up for herself. She signed up to a program, um, she wanted to develop um her knowing further. She signed up to this program and she just couldn't time-wise put like the effort in it needed, and she felt really guilty for this. And I said to her, But I think the way we have to look at this is everything that there is a season for everything. Like, she wanted to achieve like this enormous goal for her business, but right now it's absolutely not possible for her because of her children being so young. Not it's nothing to do with like okay that she isn't capable of doing this, it's just not the right season. She hasn't got the capacity to actually do what needs to be done to get to that stage where she wanted to go get to. And we had a really long conversation about this, and she said, Yeah, actually, you're absolutely right. And I think we need to look at our lives as women um more in seasons.

SPEAKER_00 35:41

100% agree, 100% agree, and that's exactly what I do. I think we have seasons we have with our children, we have seasons, then obviously pre-children, and there's there's so much you can do and you can't do, but I think with that, sometimes women grieve that they can't do all the things that they want to do because they also have the children. I think also it brings up a lot of resentment with partners sometimes because with the men, they're like they just bugger off out the door and go to work and come back at six with no regard of like childcare or anything else. Um, and what I've actually noticed, I've obviously spoken to quite a lot of women, there's this kind of shift where women are outgrowing their partners.

SPEAKER_03 36:21

Yes, that's the other that's so becomes a really big problem, actually.

SPEAKER_00 36:25

Yeah, so I'm really noticing that where they're growing, they're working on themselves, they're feeling differently, but their husband is is staying where he is, which is fine because he's not doing the inner work, but they're not growing together, they're growing apart.

SPEAKER_03 36:43

Why do you think that is though? Because my husband and I had many, many, many conversations, but as we've been together 20, like married 25 years this year, so we had a long journey together, and um, throughout that journey, obviously, there were times, especially in the beginning of my business, where I felt exactly like this, where I felt like it's so easy for you. You just you put your suit on in the morning, you go out to work. You A, get out of the house, you don't you're not in the trenches of like being a parent all day long while also trying to build a business. I had quite a lot of resentment around that my job was always that's how I felt at the time, seen as a hobby rather than as actually I'm working hard. Yeah, but actually nowadays I can I can really comfortably say comfortably say that it had never anything to do really with my husband, it always had everything to do with myself and how I saw myself, yeah. And I think it's that's a lot of the times the case with women. I know no one wants to hear this and it's maybe quite controversial, but there are obviously relationships where it's definitely to do with your husband, no question. But I think 80% of the times it it's us.

SPEAKER_00 38:01

Yeah, and you actually said something really interesting at the beginning. You said I communicated with my husband, and I think that is one of the things that women don't do. Yeah, I know I can be quite guilty of that as well. Like I don't tell my husband everything that I'm doing, but if you actually share your journey with your husband, then they're gonna be on it with you. Yeah, you know, all they do is they see that you want to go off to a networking event or that they've gone to work and come home and you've been at home for six hours and like the washing hasn't been done, but you've been working from home. Yeah. And it's like, what have you done in that six hours? Yeah, communicate. That's what people have got to start doing. It's just telling them. But also, I think again, this is part of the generational chain breaking, is that if we show our girls and our our boys as well that relationships now are 50-50, you know, the childcare isn't just all on mum. Yeah, organizing the school admin isn't just on mum, we work together, yeah. Um, then that's how it's going to change for the future as well. But yeah, I think it's there's a shift, but there still needs to be more work to that needs to be done. But you're so it's just communication, and people don't communicate enough.

SPEAKER_03 39:07

No, communication is the key pillar of everything, it's like it's one of my main pillars of teaching because of this reason exactly. We we're missing this huge piece of communication in every aspect of our lives, and I think this is the biggest downfall of most of the things.

SPEAKER_00 39:24

Yeah, and I and I think as well, I was just gonna say is that in terms of communication, I know sometimes like a woman wants to talk to their husband at six, seven, eight o'clock at night. You know, this has happened in my day, and they're gonna get a or they're on their phone and they're not listening. So, as you say, on them, the women are gonna go, Well, they're not interested in me. It's like, and I get that because I've done the same, but actually, we we forget he might have been he's been at work for 12 hours, he probably doesn't want to hear. So, this is where things like having date nights or date days are so important, where you're away from the children, or you just go and do something you two, and you spend that time saying, This is what's going on in my business, or you know, what's going on for you? Because you do get in that mode of like just doing when you've got young children, and the communication is very important, and there are some times where it's not you know, it's not the right time to to talk because you're just shattered, yeah. But don't, as you say, it's not don't put that on you that you're not doing very well or that he's not supportive. Of course, he is.

SPEAKER_03 40:24

It's just he just doesn't have the capacity right now in this very moment to be as supportive as you like him to be. That's it's as simple as that. Obviously, if that would be continuous, that's a different story, but most of the time it's as simple, it's as simple as that.

SPEAKER_02 40:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:40

I mean, I could talk to you for ages, but I would like to end this episode with five fire fire questions. Okay. So I prepared a few questions. Okay, let's go. Okay, so honest, truthful answers. So you help women step into their main character era. But is there a part of you that thinks some women are actually using identity work and self-development as a way to avoid just getting on with it? Is the coaching world some sometimes just really expensive therapy for people who won't do the actions? Ooh, I like this question.

SPEAKER_00 41:19

I think sometimes people they say they want to do something, but they don't. Yeah. But I believe the reason that they don't is because of their capacity, but also their belief system about themselves, their lack of self-worth. So I think if you're going to start going into like doing all these things, you've really got to do the stuff on yourself first. Yeah. Uh it's really the self-worth work. Right.

SPEAKER_03 41:50

Next question. You were literally trained to be invisible as a sign language interpreter. Do you ever worry that the version of you that shows up online is still performing just in a different costume?

SPEAKER_00 42:02

Yes. I do sometimes. I think there's we there's always work to do on ourselves. Um, and although I pra I teach being visible online, I do hold myself back sometimes too.

SPEAKER_03 42:15

That's really being really honest. I think we are all guilty of this. Yeah. And I think the only way to change this is to be more open about this. Definitely. Because the more we admit it, the more people see, oh, actually, it's normal. I don't have to be so performative.

SPEAKER_00 42:30

Yeah, yeah. It's okay to teach something, but also not fully embody it yourself sometimes. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 42:39

Alright, next question. Loving that. You talk about breaking generational patterns for your daughter, but are we putting too much pressure on mothers to be one who fixes the family trauma?

SPEAKER_00 42:52

Yes, definitely. I think we have put ourselves under that pressure because also, you know, the whole breaking the generational chain is talked about quite a lot. And some people have the ability or the capacity to break the chain, some people don't. And I think they're gonna feel under pressure that they should be doing something different.

SPEAKER_03 43:11

But is there actually a way around this? Because I don't actually think there is, because if we there's pressure is something we all go through, we all are experiencing within life in different shapes and forms, and if we don't try to prognosis generational um conditioning, then nothing good is gonna come out of it either.

SPEAKER_00 43:32

Yeah, I would just say support each other, you know.

SPEAKER_03 43:35

It's about a catch-22, though, isn't it? It needs some of us to actually do that work.

SPEAKER_00 43:41

Yeah, and it and you know, it's not everybody isn't gonna do it, not everybody's capable, not everybody knows about it, but I ever you know, one person creates a ripple effect. That ripple effect then passes on to somebody else. So yeah, you only need a few people to start making the change. True.

SPEAKER_03 43:57

So you obviously talked about uh that. You that had a huge journey of self-development and healed quite a lot of parts of yourself from before. So the next question touches up on this. So you think we can do you think we can ever be fully healed? And if so, how do you ever recognise that moment when you get there?

SPEAKER_00 44:19

I don't think we could ever be fully healed at all. New level, new devil. So you'll heal something, you'll expose yourself, yeah, and then something will come up again. But what I do believe is that if you continue to do the work, you can work through it quicker. Um, but no, you will never be healed. Sorry.

SPEAKER_03 44:37

No, don't be, because that's exactly the point. It's like self-development doesn't just end after you finished a 30-day manifestation challenge or um therapy or anything, whatever you're embarking on. It is a continuous struggle, and new level, new devil is exactly what it comes down to, doesn't it? Yes, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 44:56

But you can, you know, you do achieve goals. So you you know, when I look back, I stood on a stage last month in front of a hundred women. I've not I've only been talking on stage not even a year. The first one was at a networking event in front of like 15 people, so you can grow, yeah, and you can I've healed certain parts of like my voice isn't important enough to be heard to be able to stand on a stage in front of 100 people, but that's gonna come up again when I go on another stage to more people, but it's just the fact that now I know how what work to do on myself and I know how to um get to the point where I feel like confident to go and stand on that bigger stage.

SPEAKER_03 45:35

So I always end every episode with one question. I would like to extend that question to you as well. If you could go back and give younger cursey one prudely honest piece of advice, what would that be?

SPEAKER_00 45:48

It would be just fucking do it. And I know again it's hard, but so often well you're when you when you action something, when you do something, it's you prove to yourself that it it's possible. You know, we in our heads so often we say we can't do this, you know. I I want to do this, I've got this dream, but I can't just fucking do it because once you've done it, you're gonna feel amazing and then you're gonna do it again and again.

SPEAKER_03 46:19

And also, what's the worst what can happen?

SPEAKER_00 46:21

Exactly. It's the fear of judgment again that pops up. But what's the worst that can happen? You it might not be your you know your expectations, or it you may not get many as many people sign up, or you know, not many people come to your event, whatever. Do it, learn from it, do it again, and keep doing it. Thank you for coming on the unshakable talks, Kirsty. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_03 46:43

I've loved talking to you today. Thank you for listening to the Unshakable Talks. Please make sure to give us a follow and come back next week for another great conversation with another amazing woman. But I also want you to come to my event I'm hosting very soon. If you like listening to my episodes, if you like meeting the women I'm putting onto the unshakable talks, you will absolutely love my event because you're actually gonna be in the room with the women from the podcast of women who do similar things. Tickets are only£10 and everything goes to charity. A charity I've chosen because it aligns fully with the values of the unshakable talks and with myself. The link is in the show notes. Get your ticket now.