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Treasures of Queer Salem
Join your hosts, Tallow and Nix as we interview members of the Queer community in the Salam/Keizer area to unearth uplifting stories and highlight community resources.
Treasures of Queer Salem
S2E1 Dani, Latine Transfemme Creator & Community Developer
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Today we're talking with Dani (they/she). They are a Latine nonbinary transfemme and community activist. She is a board member with Rainbow Youth, a member of the Crafty Coyotes, and a leader in community initiatives like the Salem Pride and Resource Center. Dani enjoys playing tabletop RPGs as a GM and play as well as enjoys creating new things with her different skills. Content Warning: Religious Trauma, Immigration Trauma, and Mention of Physical/Emotional Abuse.
Ahoy, gems and jewels. And non-binary ghouls.
SPEAKER_03I'm Wolfie. I'm Tallow. And you're listening to The Treasures of Queer Salem. Where two of your favorite troublemaking pirates discover the riches of the queer sea while aboard the Salamander.
SPEAKER_02Today we are talking to Danny She They. They are a Latinae, trans femme, and community activist. She is a board member with Rainbow Youth, a member of the Crafty Coyotes, and a leader in the community initiatives like the Salem Pride and Resource Center. Danny enjoys playing tabletop RPGs as a GM and plays as well as enjoys creating new things with her different skills.
SPEAKER_01Is this the brig? Oh man, I this is where I normally come to just meditate. That's awkward. Sorry, y'all.
SPEAKER_02So the vibes are pretty good down here.
SPEAKER_03Well, you know, I mean, as long as you're here, you might as well uh answer our questions three. Oh the first one is uh would you please uh share your identity and how you came by it?
SPEAKER_01Okay, here we go. It's a mouthful, it's a mouthful. Ready? Oh god. I identify as a first generation Latin American individual, post-Christian, demisexual, and pansexual, as well as non-binary trans femme. You got it?
SPEAKER_02That's all?
SPEAKER_01That's it. I feel like it's the equivalent of like when somebody's like, no, but look at my children and then their wallet, and I just stuck to accordions outwards. Yeah, like that. Um, but yeah, I mean you've got a rainbow in your wallet, you're saying. Exactly, that's exactly it. I everybody should have a rainbow in their pants. Um yeah, I mean, that's kind of like most of my identities. I think uh I think they're each one of those words uh was carefully chosen because I wanted they all kind of carry a fragment of my complete identity. And I think even then, you know, I think we all have different identities that would kind of go with like our jobs and whatever. But I think that that kind of felt the closest to what I would want to talk about.
SPEAKER_03Is there a particular one you want to start with or and talk about about?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so here's the genius between what I said. I put them in chronological order. So I said first generation American, Latin American. So my mom and dad are not from the United States. They come from uh Central American countries and Mexico. Um and I think that experience kind of says a lot because when they came here, they came here like two decades before I was even born. And while they were around, you know, their experience in the United States was that of a person who doesn't speak English. And so I think that whole that whole experience of like not being able to speak English, but at the same time having to try to survive in this world, uh, kind of be makes you become a certain type of person, very, very uh organized at the same time, a lot of stress and always constantly in survival mode.
SPEAKER_02That makes sense.
SPEAKER_01So and I'm the fourth of four siblings or four children. Um my siblings are like my the oldest sibling is like fourteen or sixteen years older than me, and then it's ten, and then it's two, and then it's me. And so the baby. I'm the baby of a family, yeah. Can you tell?
SPEAKER_02You do have that mischievous glint in your eye that says, like, I'm the youngest. I want chaos.
SPEAKER_00I can get away with anything. Yeah, right. My siblings who are listening, if they're listening to me, I'm like, yeah, yeah, 100%.
SPEAKER_01Um, yeah, I mean, the the the thing about it though, too, is you know, being born to immigrants is that there's a lot of restrictions that are not really available to you, a lot of things that are not available to you because they're restricted. So um, if you're not aware, especially in LA, um, you know, a driver's license was not an option. Sometimes uh early um it wasn't an option. And having like some government benefits were not available to you, insurance is not available to you, driving is not available to you, some health care is not available to you until that started happening. Um, and so I was raised with like very, very few resources. And the fact that my parents were not documented when they came to you to the States made it so that I had um we were always like hiding from the government. You grew up like in elementary school, and the last thing you want to do is make any sort of noise or go to detention because God forbid the IR not the IRS. Back then it was not ICE, it was uh uh man, it was Department of uh TIS, I think, immigration services. And it and they were the ones who would constantly like they would they would come into the places, but uh you getting detention is not gonna give the and is not gonna get DIS after you.
SPEAKER_02So you are doubly in survival mode because not only are your parents, you know, in that space where they're still like learning the culture and trying to fit in and assimilate, then you're also extremely, you know, and rightfully so. It sounds like paranoid that the the government has come to swoop down and screw up your life.
SPEAKER_03You just learn that paranoia from your parents, even if you don't understand it, right?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's it's it's really the boogeyman because your parents are aware of how DIS works because they crossed the border or they did they've done that. But as a kid, you just know that at some point somebody can come and take your parents away.
SPEAKER_02That's terrifying.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and that that is terrifying to live on the in that kind of setting was uh kind of it was a hard thing to grow up to, and I think like that also kind of frames in the the the the fear that sometimes my world kind of was that I was constantly in. That and then coupled with the fact that I come from LA. So I come from East LA specifically uh Huntington Park is a small I mean it's kind of weird because LA is like a bunch of cities, they all have their own mayoral elections and whatever, but they're all just like they've grown to the point where we're just kind of like butt up against each other. And so like Huntington Park is just a small city within the larger city of Los Angeles, which is the county of Los Angeles, which is part of LA, I mean California. And um, right next to Huntington Park is like Lynwood, Compton, Watts, and all the good stuff, you know what you what you hear all the good rappers talk about. And that isn't to say that I was like that was my life, but it was kind of what I was raised around. Um let's just say that in LA, minorities or we'll say historically marginalized communities are usually against each other. They don't like each other. No, no, no, no. I mean, that's what happened with the LA riots. It was not only the the police, but you would have like like black American individuals with Hispanic American individuals, and then you had the high Korean population who were just trying to protect their restrooms, restaurants, sorry, and their restrooms, I guess, which within them. Not the restrooms. They're important. Uh, yeah, so important. So it there's a lot of tension between not only just being uh uh the child of immigrants, but also being like a person who is in a like a world where everybody is paranoid about getting hurt because of their race. And so I think like that was the big kind of starter of it. Uh you know, you see that that is a big effector. Um, and that's not an identity that I take lightly, but it is an identity that I've slowly learned to embrace. Um I because of what happened when I was younger, I was not good at so Spanish is not English is not my first language. Spanish is. Um, and so even though I my people were like, Oh, you speak English really well, and it's like, yes, but also I've been around for a while enough to learn it. But um, Spanish is my first language, my parents spoke that exclusively. And then um I started learning English through going to school, through my siblings, and through watching Sesame Street. Yeah, Sesame Street. Shout out. Um, and I think uh when I was in first grade, because I was like struggling with having both languages, also dyslexic and didn't know. But I was struggling with languages and um I I I was it was about the tier it was like a few years before no child left behind. So I got pulled back a grade. And that is like that was very definitive in my education because it like really kind of started this like track of like the education system does not design for you, but you're gonna try to do your best. And so I did, I did do my best, and um I do kind of like I do feel a little bad about that because my parents didn't want me to that to happen to me, but they couldn't make a statement, they couldn't advocate for themselves because guess what? Advocating for yourself could get the attention of the wrong people. And so they just said, Okay, we're just gonna drag her back. Um and so I had to redo first grade, which is kind of sucks to see your friends go to the next level, but you don't. Um anybody who's ever had that experience, you can totally relate to that.
SPEAKER_03Um then I was held back in preschool. Oh yeah personally, but you know, it's in white circles, I guess. It's generally regarded as a good thing thing if you do it early enough because then you've got a leg up on the competition and you're older than everybody else. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I don't know. I think at at first grade you're probably are it you've already done the grade work stuff. Right. So maybe maybe because I remember I was in Head Start before I was in preschool and then I went to kindergarten. Um and it was a good time. I really loved Head Head Start. I love education in general. I'm still in school, like 34 years later. Like it's been a long time and I really do enjoy education. But yeah, I don't know that was not a that was not a great thing for me. For me, what it meant was that I should forsake Spanish. Is what I is what it told me. Was like I Spanish is the reason why you are being held back, get better at English, forget Spanish. And so I took my little little self set took that seriously and didn't do well at Spanish, and that actually was the worst thing to do because being in a like a Spanish speaking community, when you can't speak Spanish, they don't let you live that down. Like you live as what they say like in Spanish is like bocho or bocha, which is a word that's like kind of uh whitewashed essentially, but linguistically. Um and it was it was it's that was a hard one because it's like now you're like in a in the the space of being not quite American and not quite Hispanic, and so you're just kind of in this like in-between.
SPEAKER_02When did you say that happened for you? Uh first grade. First grade. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So it's pretty young.
SPEAKER_03Um you were reject actively rejecting the language for how long?
SPEAKER_04I think it was 13 years. Wow. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I didn't want to talk in Spanish. I remember so another slice that I did, I said post-Christian, right? I was because of the way that my parents were raised, and because they were here without extended family, because most of their families were back in the country set of origin, we had a rely on the church. And I used to go to like a missionary Baptist church, Southern Baptist specifically. And if you know that flavor evangelical, it is not like it's not the fun one.
SPEAKER_02Is Baptist the like hellfire, like brimstone? Yeah, see, I grew up with the light fluffy version of yeah.
SPEAKER_01No, my family was like our our our church was like um like no fornication, no adultery, like n like none of that at all, which I think is most Christians, but the the consequences of such uh which I saw I got to I had the pleasure of seeing three times at our church was discipline in front of the entire congregation where you confessed everything that you did in front of everybody and then still got disciplined after that. Like people would have a year of not being able to sit in the front, had to sit in the back and could not talk. Basically excommunicated. And you weren't allowed to leave because that would be removing yourself from the sentence. So when you came back, you went back to the same thing. Whoa. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So it was sentence time out.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we were at the point where like there the biggest argument that we had, it was around 10 years old that I was 10 years old. The biggest argument the church had was whether or not, get this, we should have drums.
SPEAKER_02Really? What what drums were like the big like Well the drums is bad. Drums are like demonic.
SPEAKER_01No, I yes, there were yeah, seriously. It was like, and it was actually pretty, it was a really messed up thing, but it was a racial thing.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna say, is it because it's associated with different cultures? Yeah, wow, yeah, especially.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and so it was kind of a that was an issue. Um Wow.
SPEAKER_03Or you don't like music with drums?
SPEAKER_01No, no, no. I don't like music because drums because they busted my ears, but um no, I that's one, but and then you also have like highly misogynistic organization where where like people, no matter how hard they strove, no matter how pious they would be, they uh like a femme could never be a pastor. It's unheard of, absolutely not something that happens. Um, and so that was another thing. There was a lot of like headship conversations, if you're familiar with that. I don't know what that is now. Headship is the idea that the man is the head of the family, and because of that, he is the priest, and only God speaks to the to the priest of the family.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna say, oh, I know that. Whoa, that's taking it to a new level. Right.
SPEAKER_01So it was like, you know, like a woman's role was just to be beneath the man, and then the kids' roles were to be beneath the mother and the father, and the father who's the highest. So guess what happens when your father is abusive? My father was not, but um, if your father was, it's a really rough ride.
SPEAKER_02Yes, yes. Structures like that really set up the family and the the church and all of that for kind of harboring uh abusers and teaching people to be victims. Yeah. Be like, nope, this is how it is, you know, it's the compliance.
SPEAKER_01Well, and then you you mix that with the combination of being like like immigrants. So my whole that whole church is mostly composed of undocumented immigrants. Like nobody ever raided our church, luckily, but if they would have, they would have found a lot of us. Um, and it would have been really bad. And uh the problem also with that is compounded by the fact that you cannot call the cops if your congregation member is abusive. Because that was a bad thing. So that would bring even more trouble. Yeah, I don't know how many of my friends were, but I know that some of them were in in abusive households for sure. And sometimes I would get confronted by the congregation, but because of the nature of it, like you know, beating your child was okay, and sometimes it was like just out of discipline, which is I don't know, debatable. Some people, I don't know. It's the whole fraught conversation, but sometimes it was just out of anger and and just that like tension and stuff.
SPEAKER_02Some people don't have the emotional uh understanding or awareness or desire to know that there's a difference.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I say the word not that I'm condoning hitting kids at all, but like it's just yeah, it's it's already a hard conversation, and then you use people who are are like abusive and they hide behind that and where it's like, oh well, like that the kid was just bad, and it's like okay, no, no, like you were just angry, which that's I don't know, that's a whole nother can of worms.
SPEAKER_02Again, not condoning hitting children in any regard.
SPEAKER_01No, I mean yeah, it's a hard conversation to talk about, and I know it's like a podcast that's supposed to be about something, but I I do think that like you Christianity, when it's used wrong, can be used to hurt people and hide people who hurt people.
SPEAKER_02Well, I'm thinking of the Old Testament talking about the righteous anger of God that just destroys and decimates, you know, societies.
SPEAKER_01Oh man, don't even get me started.
SPEAKER_02That's a rabbit trail, rabbit trail.
SPEAKER_01Hours about talking about the Bible here because I I've got layers that I'm interested in. Um but I'm not gonna go there. I think the other thing that I will mention is uh being um in a world where also being trans or being gay or anything that's not cis hetero was a big no-no. Like for me, it was in like it's a non-starter. The idea of like not only were homosexuals gonna go to hell, um, trigger warning, sorry, y'all, um, but also like trans people were also the same thing as basically homosexuals, and they were also gonna go to hell. Um, and it was also highly stigmatized, it was considered disgusting, perverted, um, it was just considered shameful and something that you could not come back from. And I did see during my time at the church, there were people who who were saved by the grace of God in quotation marks and came back from being gay, but they were still stigmatized within the church because they were formerly gay. So they would still struggle with that aspect. And God forbid you were trans because that was even worse.
SPEAKER_03Can I ask how old you were when you realized gay, lesbian, and trans people existed? I think I knew that they existed.
SPEAKER_01Um, probably about eight years old. No, I think it was about six years old because it they were introduced to me as bad people. Uh okay. So it wasn't like I discovered a trans person and then I discovered about them being bad. It was like, oh, there are people out there who are gay and trans and they're bad. Ah. And then I was like, okay.
SPEAKER_03So you were actively taught this is a thing and this is unacceptable.
SPEAKER_01Right. You like immediately associate that word or that entire concept with the negative thing from the start, sort of thing.
SPEAKER_02That's a tough one to unwind. Yeah. When did you realize that you were trans or even like moving in that direction?
SPEAKER_01I mean, I didn't get to really get to that point till I was like 28 of my I was I was 20 years 28 years old when I got it. I know, right? Yeah, I mean, it that's the thing. And so like it wasn't until I left the Christian church, and I didn't leave the church because I because of the problems. Actually, I didn't have problems with the church. Despite everything that I've just said, you know, I think that you know, it's my opinion as well as Dawkins that the the doctrine of hell is abuse, fully abuse. Absolutely. Yeah, like I'm I actually had to take a minute to like figure out what that defined, but I found the term of abuse, and this is like relative to department, but it's abuse according to the United Nations, is a physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats, or of actions that influence another person. When you are raised, that if you don't do this, you're gonna die and suffer for the rest of your life and in in eternity, in hell, in fire, away from your family. That is the most terrifying thing you can tell a child. You're gonna be set, you're gonna be separated from your parents, you're gonna be in misery, and it's gonna be where all the other bad people are.
SPEAKER_02And it'll be all your fault. And yes, oh yeah. I think one of the scarier things for me growing up in the church was like, how do I know if I'm like saved or like if I did something wrong? Like, like what what are the signs? Like, what if I what if I messed up and I just don't know? And and that's it. Yeah. So then you that weird uncertainty.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you leave and then your parents leave five dollars on the counter, and you're like, I'm gonna go get some bubblegum with this, and then you realize what you've done, and now you're like, oh no, I am subject to that. I and it's just a small thing. I'm sorry, yeah. And I mean you you you're raised with that kind of mentality. So I mean, when people ask me like why did you leave the church? It actually wasn't because of that. It was for me, it was just the logic behind it didn't make sense. In the end, my brain was like, you know, I can probably I my brain was like, I can forgive all those things, but the lot logically it doesn't make any sense. And so then later on, I was like, Oh, oh, I shouldn't have been cool with that in the first place.
SPEAKER_02I get that though. I mean, I feel like I'm still untangling a lot of things, and it's been a really long time since I've been in the church. Um, but some of those things, especially growing up in that environment, it just gets rooted in your like outlook.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you just kind of absorb it. Yeah. And it just becomes yours. Yeah. Um, I guess the next thing, you know, following from that is leaving uh California. I left California because of the population. It's too many people. The traffic there is insane. Um, you know, I like just to illustrate it, to go to work, it was like a two hour drive and it was only like the distance between here and South Salem. Like maybe the tip of South Salem.
SPEAKER_02That would be incredibly frustrating. Yeah. Yeah. No, thank you.
SPEAKER_01And then coming back and doubling that.
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_01So I was like, I'm not and I Except you have no time. No. No. You and I was I my job only was two hours. So I spent five hours in the car, or like all together going to work, but three of those hours were like traveling.
SPEAKER_02Sounds terrible.
SPEAKER_01So that wasn't good. And then heat. I hated California heat. Everybody who likes California hate, that's all fine. Whatever. Like that's your thing. I don't like it there. Um, and it's too hot. And the cost was expensive. I had just graduated university, uh, which was part of the reason why I left the church because I went to a Christian university and they taught me logic, and then I used that logic to get out of a church. Isn't that funny?
SPEAKER_02That's I hear that so many times. It's like, oh, I actually read the Bible, and then I was like, that's fucking.
SPEAKER_03You read the Bible, you read Plate Plato or Aristotle. I don't who did logic? Aristotle. Aristotle.
SPEAKER_01Formal logic, yeah. I've never taken a philosophy chronic class. So I was a philosophy my major, so I do know.
SPEAKER_03You know all the things.
SPEAKER_01All the things. I know everything. I'm smart. I'm not. I'm I I'm average. Um I have uh and I also was looking for religious freedom. And that meant like I couldn't do that within the context that I was, because at that time I was uh the golden uh a golden child of the church, and there was a lot of expectations on me, and I was also connected to a lot of other churches because the same Danny to whom you see now, the one who makes connections between people, was the same Danny back then. So I was able to restart the youth organization back there, which was like 40 different churches that came together.
SPEAKER_03By golden child, you just mean like you were one who went to school, got a degree, and like I still uh it was a religion degree, right?
SPEAKER_01Or an education degree. It wasn't unheard of, and this is not something that like I'm super proud of because of the context, but it was like be more like Danny. That was that was who I was. Um and so you know, uh I I put a lot of pressure on myself to be that person. Um and then just coupled with like my own insecurities, that made it so that I was that person. Um and then I realized I was like, I can't no matter where I go in LA, I'm always gonna be somewhere. Somebody's gonna notice me, and then I'm gonna be held up against that. I need to go somewhere else. So I went to Oregon. And when I got here, guess what? The population isn't high, the cost wasn't high, at least back then. Um, and it wasn't miserably hot. Actually, I love the rain. It was my favorite thing about California when it rained. So I I remember looking online and being like, Why do I want to move to Oregon? How much does it rain over there? And it was like 45 inches versus the seven inches that you get in LA. And I was just like, I'm going at Oregon. That sounds great. Um And you had a landing spot in Oregon.
SPEAKER_02I did. Oh.
SPEAKER_01One of my close friends, um, who was also part of the church, ironically, um opened his doors for me and his family, and I'm very thankful for them um for doing that because they gave me an out and it gave me enough time, a foothold to get um to get like a space. I was also engaged at the time. I was looking for a way out and I was looking to like bring my partner at that time, my ex, uh, to come to Oregon because we were both trying to run away from our identities from c from California.
SPEAKER_02And from the church as well.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, from the church.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I didn't realize you met them in LA.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I met them in LA. I was uh we we dated for five years. And then we got together, uh we got married, and then I brought her up here to Oregon and we moved to Corvallis. Um and I love Corvallis, it was a great time, but I find myself gravitating towards Salem all the time. I do love Corvallis too, but yeah. Yeah, it's far and there's not a lot of things to do there, especially in the summer.
SPEAKER_03I haven't spent that much time there.
SPEAKER_01But yeah, it's a college town. Like as college town as it gets. Um like I mean the entire population will like not even half it's like a quarter based on like w what time of year it is. I was working in a towing company and that did not go well. And then um I just it was a bunch of like really hard conservative people. Um really in Corvallis? In a towing company, yes.
SPEAKER_02Wow. Yeah, that tracks.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and it's not you know, whatever. Um so I got a job at the school district in Albany, so I moved to Albany again as a teacher. Uh as actually as a worker within the school of high school, and then I became a teacher. Kind of following my desire to be an educator in the first place. Became a teacher, and it just didn't stick. Um, had a really hard case and caseload, and I was like, I can't do this. And so I got hired with OSU. And it was about that time when I had finally got to my I got my degree. I was like, Yes, I got what I wanted. I have my master's and I'm a teacher. Now that uh I'm impossible, like I'm impossibly strong. And then I realized I didn't like that. Oh no, I didn't like my job, I didn't like what I was doing. I know you can relate.
SPEAKER_03Well, yeah, I um we we won't talk this is not my podcast.
SPEAKER_01We won't talk about I you get there, and then you're like, oh no, I don't really want this, and then what do you do? So at that time, that was when my brain was like, it was before COVID, and my brain was like, I don't know what I want. I'm not being myself, something's wrong. And my brain was just like, we're gonna have to take drastic measures and discover who we are. And in that process, I started doing very dangerous things to myself, to my life.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that sounds familiar.
SPEAKER_01And then in that process, I like did something that put my life at risk, and then I finally got to the point where um my partner at that time was just like, You're going to therapy or we're breaking up. Fair, fair, 100%. Let's go. So I go to therapy, and um, I remember my my therapist was like, um, he's like talking to me about the whole situation. I'm gonna be ambiguous because I feel like it's not the space to talk about, but um, he started addressing the issue that I was there for, and then at some point I told them he he was asking, like, so why do you do that? And I was like, Well, I just have an interest on like you know things where men become women, you know, it's something that I've been liking since I was like 10 years old. And he's just like, So you're trans. It's like, ew no. I'm not trans.
SPEAKER_03Uh I think we can all s see a part of us right there.
SPEAKER_01Oh, 100%. And uh, so he's like, Well, you know, I'm not telling you you're trans, but if you're interested, there's a word called gender dysphoria. I'm not a specialist in this, but you can look it up whenever you want. And I was like, whatever. So I put it on a little piece of paper and I go home and I'm like da-da-da-da-da. And then, like, you know, the little little like the the egg is right scratching, right? Trying to get through. Once there's a crack, and then I did the mistake of looking online and I was like, what is gender dysphoria? And I was like, oh no. Oh no. I don't, and it began, and I remember like obsessing over it. That at that time, I had a lot of like restrictions on myself to prevent myself from getting in danger, but um, I remember going on my phone and like going on Reddit and going to like ask transgender, I think is what it was, or transpassing. Oh, which is transpassing is one of the most fraught problematic uh uh Reddit groups. Um don't go there no more. No, no, no, no. But it did help me realize that like hey, I could potentially be pretty, and then it made me happy and that made me excited, and I was like, okay, maybe I am. And then as as soon as I my brain was telling me, like, oh I like this is exciting. I was just like, wait, wait, what am I doing?
SPEAKER_05Right?
SPEAKER_01What am I thinking? This is not right. It's a real downward slope. Yeah. There was a night where I stayed up to like 2 a.m. and I remember uh talking to or just like having an existential crisis in the middle of the night and just telling myself, like, oh fucking no, I am a trans person. I am a trans person, I am a trans person, oh no, no, no. I don't know if my ex is gonna want this. And uh I woke her up at two o'clock in the morning, and I remember telling her, I'm like, hey, blank, I think I'm trans. And she was just like, uh, uh-huh. And I'm like, and I'm like, babe, do you does that mean that you're gonna break up with me or do you still like me? And she's like, no, of course I'm gonna love you. And uh that was it. And then love that. Yeah, the next day, uh, the next week or so, it was like, okay, but Dan, see the thing about Danny is Danny goes hard. She doesn't go halfway, and whatever Danny wants, Danny usually gets. Um I've seen this. And what happened was I was just like, all right, I guess this is it. All the surgeries and all the hormones right now. Oh god, I know. And so I started like I went to my doctor, and this is right, this is right around the time that I got my job at OS OSU. I was super excited to be this like 4-H coordinator in in Marion County, super big thing, and then I was like, oh, I'm gonna start my new job here, March 2020. The next week, hey, y'all need to go home. You're gonna be working from home for a week, a month, half a year. One year later. Um, and I remember uh during that year, it was like the perfect time to like start transitioning. And so what I started doing was like testing out little things. Now I was a hairy mofo, like I had a lot of hair on my body. If you see pictures of me in a beard, you will be aghast with just how I look like. And I remember the first thing that I did, I know, right?
SPEAKER_02I couldn't re I wouldn't recognize me.
SPEAKER_01No, uh, you wouldn't. Um, it was a really fucking cool beard. It was black, and that was like the one compliment that everybody gave was like your beard is cool. And I was like, thanks. It was black, like pinch black, the like the night. Um, and when I was uh when I was kind of starting off my transition, the first thing that I decided to do was wax. Not my face, because I had enough sense to not do that. I went straight for the chest.
SPEAKER_02I feel this viscerally.
SPEAKER_01No, I went straight for the chest, and here's the problem. I didn't know how to wax.
SPEAKER_02Oh no, you just like went for it, huh?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you're supposed to trim.
SPEAKER_02Guess what I did?
SPEAKER_01Did it? No. You just pull two inch hairs under a chest. Oh my god. Holding like like it was a ball of chain, like ball chain sort of thing. Slow rip. It was the worst four hours of my life.
SPEAKER_02Do the the the hard rip off.
SPEAKER_01Oh no, because I didn't know. You're supposed to go slow. Oh yeah, sorry. Uh you're supposed to go slow, won't be. And so I did that, and after about four hours, I was just like, we're done. We're stopping. I started crying because of just how much pain I was into.
SPEAKER_03Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01And at that point, the wax uh was like cooling down more often, and so it was just like leaving little chunks of wax on me, which had to be pulled off individually. And I remember just like crying because I was like, I don't know what to do with this. And I remember telling myself, like, I can't be trans. This is misery, I can't do anything like that. And so I started having my own time of like, what do I do? What do I do? And eventually I kind of like got to the point where I was like, oh, laser exists, that's an option. I was the first trans person that I knew, and I didn't know where to find any resources because guess what? Back then there wasn't a lot of trans people or people that were out who wanted to share this information, and like I didn't know what to Google, like what do you do? You know, it's so was it just on Reddit? Was that the air only no? I just researched it. Uh-huh. It wasn't even Reddit. I was just like, how do you get rid of hair? And people were like, Electrolysis. And I was like, that sounds like it's gonna be easy. It wasn't. Um really laser was so much better for me. Um laser was actually a godsend because my hair, my skin and hair are like the perfect candidate for it.
SPEAKER_02So what's the difference between the two?
SPEAKER_01So electrolysis is a bunch of needles go into your hair follicles and zap you?
SPEAKER_02It sounds terrible.
SPEAKER_01One by one. One by one, and then they pull it. So it's like it's like And then they what they pull the hair out. It hurts.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01And then the next one is laser, which is where they get a freaking laser, a shark with a laser in his head, and just like swipe it across your skin, and it just explodes the hair follicles from there. Just like it high intensity bursts those follicles and they come out like slime. And and it's like really hot, very uncomfortable, and some parts of your body are way more sensitive than other parts of your body.
SPEAKER_05I can imagine that.
SPEAKER_01But if you have red hair, it's not you're not a good candidate for that. You want to have as much contrast as possible on your skin because that contrast is what makes the laser successful. It doesn't work on gray hairs, it doesn't work on gray hairs, yeah. Wow. It has to have pigmentation. And so black hair, like mine was, was the perfect candidate. And so laser was like the best thing for it. Didn't happen quickly, it was three years before I was completely done with laser. But in that whole process, I was like doing that. I was having my existential crisis as a trans person. Like, I don't know what am I a bad person now? Like, am I gonna go to like go to hell, but I don't believe in hell anymore. Like, what does all this mean? And in the meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out what my name is.
SPEAKER_02Oh no, just do it all at once.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, really. I that's kind of how I handled it. Um uh I went with Danny because it was better than my dead name. Sorry, mom and dad. Um, but uh Danny is a name that can be pronounced in both English and Spanish, whereas my former name wasn't pronounceable in Spanish. It was difficult for people to pronounce because the the sounds don't exist in Spanish. Oh interesting. And so I named myself that, and then I my middle name I named after my mom and my dad. And then my last name I kept. Um and then I also gave my I also changed my last name to my ex's last name, which was a mistake. Um and I put it on my n on my birthday certificate, which is even worse. Oh set in stone. It's set in stone. Um yeah, I mean that's kind of where it was. It was it was a ride.
SPEAKER_02Um so where are we on that list of identities?
SPEAKER_01I don't think we've gotten to the sexualities. So demi and pansexual. Right. Okay. I I I this is my the perfect example of what it feels like to me to be asexual or anything in that spectrum, is that sometimes it feels like you're in a room where everybody's dancing and you're having a great time. You start dancing with them. Do do do do and then they stop and then they start looking at you, or they start doing different moves, and you're like, what the hell? And then you look at them and you're like, What why did what happened? And then they tell you the song changed, and you're like, there's music playing, and it feels like that's kind of what it is. There's that subtext of sexuality that exists in our world that pervades our world where people are constantly trying to like seduce each other and copulate. And that just wasn't in my radar. And it was a weird thing because when I grew up, I didn't like I would understand, like, guys would be like, Oh man, that person's hot. Oh, look at her boobs or whatever. And I would be like, Cool, what about her personality though? And and so I kind of started sliding into that mentality, and so people would like like my ex would be like, Are you checking her out? I'm like, I physically am not capable of checking her out. I don't know why, but I'm not. And I thought I was just different or special.
SPEAKER_05Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_01Turns out that's called asexuality, where you just don't have sexual attraction, at least one of the forms. Um, mine is demisexuality, which means I'm only interested in a person whom I have a relationship with or intimate connection with. Uh, and then the more intimate they come, the more viable they become. Um, and so my way of dating is like interviewing people because it's a race to try to get to know you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Because I don't want you to feel like I'm not interested in you physically. Because I will be, I'm just not at the moment.
SPEAKER_02You're just like I gotta warm this engine up.
SPEAKER_03Race to uh I have to get to know you before I I think I can think you're hot.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01But you already think that I'm hot, right? So I'm like I need a I need a race to get to your point. Um, and so that's kind of like how it normally runs for me uh in demisexuality. But I'm also pansexual because I don't really care your gender. I mean I tend to prefer like femme or non-binary people much more than like mask, but only because like cis men are gross sometimes. Sometimes, not all the time. Okay, calm down here. Um sometimes it can be really, really like, you know, I know it because I was there, where you can kind of be very uh like uh misogynistic. You still have a lot of those tendencies of power dynamics and privilege. And that makes you blind to a lot of things that are happening around you. Um so get better if you are a cis man. Um and so that kind of was like the wrap-up was like becoming pansexual, be like, I like everybody, but not nobody, like but nobody at the same time until I get to know you. Um and that was mostly yeah, that element of sexuality.
SPEAKER_02So how did you figure that out for yourself on top of all of this? And when did that start really coming to light for you?
SPEAKER_01Honestly, so there's this person, her name is Riley Dennis on YouTube. Um, she was the first trans woman that I saw on YouTube. There was a lot of them now, but back then she was the only one that I saw, and she talked about how she was a a trans lesbian, trans femme lesbian. Um, and I kind of like connected with that and I was like, okay, I like that. And I didn't know that was a possibility. I thought when you transitioned, you had to be hetero. And then when that became an option, I was just like, oh, I wonder what other flavors are available. And then the next process is you like transitioning is like you learning every flag out there, learning every term out there, learning every like little nuanced expression that you have to learn, getting into queer culture, um, and that was hard.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's it's a lot to come into. Like I've I'm still uh unraveling all of that. And I remember coming into that space and seeing all of this and being like, oh my god, why do we have so many labels? Why is there so many names for everything? But it really, I think once you start finding yourself in some of those, you're like, Okay, I get it. I get it.
SPEAKER_01I remember being being on the other side of not being queer, and then hearing it's like there's 52 genders out there, and you're just like, oh you crazy people. And now I'm like, oh no, there are. Welcome to the other side. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, honestly, uh, five years later from transitioning, like gender-affirming moments, all finished, and I've gotten to the point where I'm just like, I think I'm done with my transition. I'm at the point where I where I want to be who I want to be. I'm not quite a woman. Uh, I don't view myself as full femme. I see myself as in the spectrum. But the way that I uh the way that I say it is the way that I first told Tricherico was if I was assigned female at birth, I would still be non-binary. Because it's I'm not happy at just being a female uh woman. Fine for anybody else who wants to be in the binary spectrum, but I'm not.
SPEAKER_02Um I think that's that's a really important perspective to uh be able to bring for people to see more examples of, I think.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah, I mean like now where I am I have a partner that I love. I've divorced that person since. Um and now I'm with a partner that I do love who sees me as a non-binary person, as a Latinette person, as a child of immigrants, and um as a person who's doing all the things that I need to do, and I feel like I'm living my authenti my life authentically now, which is a great thing. That's awesome.
SPEAKER_02That's so important.
SPEAKER_03So uh I guess uh we can lead into the our second question here. Yeah. What are some resources you want to share with the community?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, um, there's a couple. Um I'm just gonna go quick through them because the organizations that I connected to when I first got to Salem um after moving here um f from Monmouth, I was connected immediately to Rainbow Youth with Capital Pride and P Flag. I went in there, I attended their meetings, I joined two of those boards and I fell in love with working with youth. My heart has always been with wanting to work with youth because I feel a lot for them and I know what it feels like to be a kid and be alone and not know who you are. And if I can be a person who can be a resource to them, that's what I am. And so Rainbow Youth is a great opportunity for anybody who is looking for a space for their kiddo to find a safe space for them to be in and be around people who care about them. And I know that because I'm speaking for myself that I care a lot about these kids. Uh and they meet up every one first and third Tuesday of every month, and every second and fourth Thursday of every month. Um uh location can be found on rainbowyouth.org. Um then there's Capital Pride, which I Call the mothership. It's the one that has all the cool links for all the projects and programs that are available. And then um PFLAG. PFLAG is if you're like if you're a parent or family of somebody who's queer or queer yourself, and you want to get involved politically and like do things to help our youth be successful and be happy and support them in whatever way you can, PFLAG's the way to go. P Flag Salem, Oregon, specifically.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then the one that I would connect the most is uh the Midwell Ammet Queer Collective.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um Midwell Amic Queer Collective is a Discord channel, it's not a nonprofit, it's not a business in any sort of way, it's just a group of people who came together and they said, Hey, we're queer and we want support. And so um on Discord, um, all you older folk, uh, Discord it is a like a like a live forum chat sort of thing. Um, and it's organized by channels and servers and stuff like that. But there is a cert, there is a server out there called Midwillamic Queer Collective. Can be find it, you can find it at the Capitol Pride website. And in there you can get together and start asking or talk talking about events or special things that happen. It's a great way to kind of discover yourself. It's where I discovered myself and the safety of my friends, and that's also where I made really, really long-lasting and loving relationships.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's awesome, though. Thank you. Thanks.
SPEAKER_03And uh what are some resources that you feel our community needs?
SPEAKER_01You know the answer to that. Well, yes, don't ask that question.
SPEAKER_03You have to say it.
SPEAKER_01If you if you're listening to this podcast, you need to know that we're I'm on a mission from God. And that is get out of the break. Sorry, lowercase G God.
SPEAKER_02And which one?
SPEAKER_01Any of them. Pick your coat flavor. You can be liberace if you wanted to be. Um uh the Spark Center, which is the Salem Pride and Resource Center. We need an LGBTQ center in Salem. There is no arguing against it. If we want any sort of power in our community, we need to have a space where we can convene. There are at least 10,000 people who are queer in Salem.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah. Salem is very gay.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, if you if you look at statistics, like how many people are queer in in in the like whatever, there should be about 10,000 people, is how it translates. Um, and you can tell that because when you go to Salem Pride, they tally about 10,000 people. I'm sure other people are coming from Portland and whatever. Right. But they tally about that many people, and then other events you can see thousands of people meet up um at these events, and yet we can't find each other. Like it's hard for us to find each other except from these really limited resources, and even Capital Pride, which is the biggest Discord for queer individuals, only has 800 people.
SPEAKER_03There is so many like queer people I meet when I tell them about the Discord, they're like, Oh, I'm not on Discord. Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_01And it's like it's a real like barrier. It is, and so I mean, you could say, Well, meet us on WhatsApp or whatever, but then somebody will say, Well, I don't have WhatsApp. So it's just this concept, but you're all physical and you all have bodies, so you can go into buildings, which means that you could we need a building.
SPEAKER_03We need to say, like, we meet up here in this building every other Friday or whatever it is.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I know, and like one of the big efforts that we're trying to do for having the Spark Center is make it so that people who need accessibility or have any issues with moving around have that option of being able to move in there, having projects in there, programs, like we want a retail store, we want to be able to have uh mental health services in the building, and it's all kind of coming together, but it's happening so slowly. Um, and so I mean, I'm gonna go back and kind of go and say resources, but we have, you know, by the time this podcast comes out, maybe it's like later on this year, we have a festival coming uh October 31st where we're fundraising to get a building. And, you know, this whole story that I've shared with you would have been mitigated if I had the resources that these buildings could provide. If I knew that there was a center here in Salem where they could serve trans people. Because back then there wasn't. Back when I was transitioning, that was only five, six years ago. And we didn't have a place where we can where I could ask that question to physical people and ask them how how how do, you know.
SPEAKER_03Imagine if there was a place you could just go and pick up a few pamphlets to get yourself started.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it could it's it we could even do like a drive-thru transition, you know? Just like go in there.
SPEAKER_03I'm like Carlocker, yeah, we can do that.
SPEAKER_01I'll have a number two that's extra HRT. Thank you. We don't they don't serve, we wouldn't serve kids' meals because that's not what we do, despite what a bunch of people say out there. Um we we only tend towards uh people who can actually make the decision on themselves. And that's talking about like the process of transitioning or like coming out and doing something about it. Um, but I think the the spark would be a great opportunity for that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think that would be an amazing resource for us to have.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I think so. I think I think uh long overdue as well.
SPEAKER_02Oh, absolutely. I mean, and you think about having spaces, I mean, something like having uh like a wardrobe where people can kind of go through and be like, hey, what does it feel like in a space where this is accepted to like try on a couple clothes and like maybe not take them home yet, maybe not go that far, but just be willing to experiment in a space where they're gonna feel safe and supported. And then it's okay to do that, you know. Like I can't imagine it must be so scary for especially like AMAB folks going in and being like, oh, I want to try on something feminine, but going into a store is like very scary. Um, you know, I know that that's a little bit of a different perspective from like an AFAB person like myself going in and like it's it's more societally acceptable. Uh big air quotes. Um for like people to be like tomboyish. Um and so having spaces where it it's all it's all okay, it's all good.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I mean, I just imagine like I want to be able to like dance in a space where I don't have to pay for it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I mean obviously the service for the person who's teaching us how to dance, but like but like having uh it's frustrating in this world where you can't go to a place and just hang out without having to purchase a s a drink or a burger or something, and that's fine, like I understand businesses need income, but increasingly uh those third spaces are becoming like bought out or or raised price or just becoming more exclusive because it's becoming more scarce. Um, and having an LGBTQ center will make that possible for our community. And if you want to do an underwater basket weaving class in the Spark Center, go buy it, like find somebody who can do that and then just do it. It's actually a thing. Underwater basket weaving. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03It's a you might have to find someone to donate us a pool first. And a basket and a weaver.
SPEAKER_01But hey, that's the whole thing though. That what it gives you is a room so that the community can step up and get somebody to do that. Yeah. I'm not worried that we we will we won't be able to find underwater basket weavers.
SPEAKER_03Oh, that's the boson. Danny, our time is up.
SPEAKER_02Thank you, Danny. It was so good to talk to you. Please tell us where in the sea we can find you.
SPEAKER_01You can find me uh through uh the Crafty Coyotes website. That's where I'm mostly active, or rainbowyouth.org is where a lot of the work that I'm doing is highlighted.
SPEAKER_03Very cool. Great. Uh please subscribe and leave a review if you like our podcast. Or you can support us support us on Patreon at Crafty Coyotes. No space between the words.
SPEAKER_02Can you put in a good word for the captain for us?
SPEAKER_01Oh, but then I won't have my friends anymore, and I want to meditate here.
SPEAKER_03And remember, Salem, even when the seas are choppy, oyster.