Always Be Kind. Never Be Nice.. Here Is Why

Welcome back to Chats With Michelle! Today, I’m sharing the difference between being Nice vs. Kind.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

And the difference, even between being nice and being kind, especially as women, that we've been told to, you know, you need to be nice, you need to smile, you need to be agreeable, you need to be get alongable. I don't know, I don't want to be that person. It was like sometimes you have to be that person. Everyone is not going to like you. We're the ones who teach people how to treat us. Hey, what's up, you guys? Welcome or welcome back to Chats with Michelle, where we chat all things keeping your promises to yourself through navigating adulthood and pursuing purpose. So I kind of went back and forth today about what it is that I wanted to chat about because I had two topics in mind, but the one seemed to take over at the end. And basically, it is the difference between being nice and kind. And as I am someone who is navigating adulthood, I am learning in a big way, and I have been learning, I've learned the whole thing. I'm learning in a big way the importance of and the difference, even between being nice and being kind. I want to go ahead and read the exact definition to what the difference is exactly, why does it matter, and why we're even here chatting about it. Okay, so let's go ahead and read this. Being nice is generally defined by a polite, agreeable, and socially acceptable behavior, often aimed at creating a pleasant atmosphere or being like. Conversely, being kind is rooted in genuine care, empathy, and doing what is best for someone, which may sometimes involve uncomfortable honesty rather than mere superficial politeness. And the reason why I feel like this is a big topic is because I heard this within the last like month or so from two different people. One person was a woman, and the second person was a man. The woman was sharing how from going to law school and majorly being in politics and all the things like that, how she had to learn as a woman how to be kind, but she couldn't be nice because being nice just got you completely ran over. And then the second person that I heard recently having this conversation was a man, and he was sharing how in his business practices, he's like, Listen, I'm a super kind person. He's like, But I'm not nice when it comes to making deals, etc. etc., I am not nice because it needs to make sense. I think that, especially as women, that we've been told to, you know, you need to be nice, you need to smile, you need to be agreeable, you need to be get alongable. And as someone who is a recovering people pleaser and who was guiltily just wanting to be agreeable and just go along to get along. I mean, not for nothing. I am a pretty easygoing person, that's just kind of like my personality. Like, I am pretty chill. Too much don't bother me. However, when things would bother me in the past, I always I wasn't always quick to speak up and say something because you're like, you know what, uh, I don't want to really rough any feathers, etc. etc. And I'm learning through navigating adulthood, the wisest way to be is kind. Because at the end of the day, we don't want to mistreat anyone, right? Like, that's not what I'm saying here is that you should be mean and rude and all of the things. I would never encourage you to be that way because I don't want to be that way. I think the biggest part in all of this is boundaries. And as someone who is navigating, I keep saying that. Like, we know, we know, Michelle. Okay, we know you're navigating adulthood. But that's a that's pretty much the basis of this conversation today. How it is that you want to show up and how you want to be perceived. And that is something that I've had a lot of time to think about over the last few years, but especially in the last few months about okay, Michelle, how do you want to show up? How do you want to come when you're in a room? One thing that I say often is that I never want to be an energy vampire, right? So I never want to be the person that walks into the room, that walks into the room and you're like, oh gosh, Michelle is here. And I've had to learn and learning to regulate that, regulate that and navigate that because I don't want to suck energy out of a room. Like if I am learn, I have learned and I'm learning that if I'm not feeling my best or if I'm not up to something, then I'll just I'll remove myself, right? Because I'm just like, you know what? I'm not in the best state right now, so maybe I don't need to be in this space at the moment. However, karma, in the same breath, I'm also having to learn to one, yeah, also regulate those emotions, but also if something is not right and it makes you uncomfortable to speak up and say it, because at the end of the day, we have to learn that we're the ones who teach people how to treat us. So there's a graphic that I found online and it shares a difference between nice and kind. And I wanted to share how I think that we can hold tension in this space, especially if you're someone like myself who you are a people person in the sense that, like I'm in I am a um I'm a homebody. I enjoy being home, I enjoy my own company. At the same time, too, I really am a people person in the sense that I enjoy people and I feel very deeply for people. And I've had to learn, and I'm learning that song and dance, especially when you come across different kinds of people who will take as long as you keep giving, right? And who doesn't have that regulation to know once like enough is enough, but also with myself, what I am regulating as well is where the balance is or where the line is, and being able to speak up for myself, but at the same time to create boundaries where I say, Yeah, but that is enough, because in the past I possibly hadn't done so before. So I want to show this graphic and I want to go through it and how you can possibly learn to be kind, but not necessarily nice all the time. So on the left side it says nice, and the first bullet is never wanting to rock the boat, and on the right side it says kind and it says willing to make waves. And I think that speaks to when you're in a space in a room, you know, something is going on where you just it doesn't feel right in your spirit, you're like it, it it's unfavorable. Um, that could be at work with relationships with people, and you might be in a space where I mean, well, this is how it's always been, no one ever says anything, so you don't want to necessarily rock the boat. I'm learning now in navigating adulthood. Oh MG girl, Michelle. Okay, but I am learning nonetheless that it's okay to speak up and be willing to say, well, actually, have we thought about this instead, or well, maybe we should look at it this way instead, or just saying, Yeah, I don't really think that's appropriate. And being okay with making waves, and like sometimes it might be it might be convicting to someone else, but just I think it shows and shares a lot about your character. So the next bullet says, most concerned about not upsetting someone, and on the kind side, it says most concerned with doing what is right. Again, as someone who is an overcoming people pleaser and someone who didn't necessarily always wanted to rock the boat, I think the lesson here is not always being so overly concerned about what, like how you're gonna affect the other person while neglecting yourself. So even though it may be uncomfortable, what is the right thing to do? The third bullet says afraid to speak up when they witness unkind behavior, and the and on the kind side, it says willing to speak up and take a stand. And this is something where uh it's it's so interesting because I am probably captain, right? Or at least co-captain of that's not my business. However, I think that there are moments and times when you have to say, that's not okay, but man, that part where it says willing to speak up, that is a lesson I feel that I've had to learn time and time and time again. And I feel like I've learned the lesson. Like genuinely, I feel like I've learned the lesson, or it's sticking a lot more. And that is the biggest thing that I would encourage as well is to be willing to speak up. I think that a lot of disappointment and frustrations that I've had before in the past is not wanting to have uncommerce, uncomfortable conversations or being like, okay, well, I mean, if no one else is saying anything, then I guess I won't say anything. I don't know, I don't want to be that person. It was like sometimes you have to be that person. And one of the things that I'm learning, and I and I read that in the initial in the initial definition about um having honest and uncomfortable conversations. Sometimes it's an uncomfortable conversation, but you can still be kind, right? It's not what you say, it's how you say it. And I've had to learn to say, like, okay, I'm going this is probably gonna be a little bit uncomfortable. I'm going to have to have this conversation, or I'm gonna have to say this. More importantly, too, when we speak about boundaries, is saying, hey, this is a like, I'm only willing to go this far. I'm only willing to do this. Because I think sometimes too, when the conversation isn't had, then you can't necessarily be upset about something if there was never a conversation had. But once you you stand up, you know, you put on your big girl pants and you're just like, hey, this is what I have the bandwidth for, or this is what I'm willing to do, and this is what I'm not willing to do, and just having those conversations, I think it makes for a lot better of clarity and understanding. Because I think sometimes too, with people, people who can be um abusers or take advantage or whatever it is, like that, it's like it can almost be a free-for-all for them as well. It's like, well, you never said, so I mean, you know, and and knowing, and I think people also know when if you are a person who does not like confrontation, because then it's like it's kind of used against you. So I think it is just being like, hey, having those conversations, saying what you can and cannot do. And the last point here says, worried about being liked, and on the kind side, it says worried about being kind. I think that that's ultimately the biggest lesson to be learned here, right? Is the crippling of being so worried about being liked by everyone or wanting people to like you and not understanding why this person doesn't like you, etc. And that's the biggest lesson that I've had to learn. And if you don't take anything from this chat today, that is what I would say is that some well, not sometimes, everyone is not going to like you, and that is okay, and you cannot be overly concerned with wanting everyone to like you, the only thing that you can control is your output, and that is all. So, on the kind side where it says you're worried about being kind, I think that's ultimately most important, right? Because, like I said, you don't want to, and what I'm not encouraging is rudeness, right? Or to be nasty to people. I spoke about being an energy vampire, and I've had to check my own self, be like, you know what, Michelle, like you're not in the best mood right now. You you haven't had the best attitude, so maybe it's time for you to just like withdraw yourself and come back later, you know, because I I I know me, but at the same time, too, I think that your biggest concern should be being polite, respecting everyone or whoever, but you cannot be overly concerned about whether or not somebody likes you. Like I said, and I've said it time and time again here on this chat is that this is something that I am literally navigating in real time and just figuring out who I want to be and how do I want to show up and having those firm boundaries, but I still want to be kind, but also just as someone who has been through different ebbs and flows of relationships and different things like that. I'm like, okay, I want to be someone who is genuine, who is polite, who is warm, who people can sense empathy from. At the same time, I want you to know I am not someone to be played with and not just going along to get along and being agreeable because you're being pressured into one way or another, or simply just not being respected at all. So I think ultimately at the end of this all, I just want to encourage you to choose kindness over niceness any day of the week. So, with that being said, thanks so much for chatting with me today. Listen, if you found this chat valuable, please consider sharing it with someone who may also find this chat valuable. And while you are at it, please be sure to like, comment, and subscribe because listen, we've got so much to chat about.

unknown 12:12

Bye.