.png)
Famology
Providing practical, insightful, and Biblical answers to your questions about family, marriage, and parenting.
Famology
Supporting Your Teen and Preteen Through Life Transitions
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
As our kids step into adulthood, we share practical ways to stay intentionally involved, build trust, all while helping them discover God’s plan for their lives.
#Parenting #Faith #Family #ChristianParenting #FamilyConversations
ASK A QUESTION HERE
https://www.gofam.org/famology
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61559192420033
Hello everyone and welcome to FAMology. We're John and Amy Clausen, and we love family. And so we are leaning into your questions about family, about parenting, about marriage. And we invite all of your questions, uh, whether they be general or whether they be very specific to your situation, um, send them our way and we will compile those and uh and gather together and give a weekly question uh that we'll lean into. Maybe we'll end up doing it more than once a week if you know people are interested. So are you ready for the question of the week, honey? Yes. All right, so this is the question. Our children are just starting to leave the home, ages 18, 17, and 10. What are some practical ways to be intentionally involved in their lives while still allowing them to expand their wings and figure out their or God's plan for their lives?
SPEAKER_03I think this is a fun season of life when all your kids are still home and growing and and launching. It's a hard season, but it's I think it's a really fun season. What are your thoughts on that launching season? Fun, hard?
SPEAKER_01Um, it's fun, and um, you know, I I sometimes you feel their stress because it's just a new thing. And so that part isn't quite as fun um for them anyway. Um, but yeah, I think every new season is a new season, and that's what the Lord brings you into. And when you look back on our own lives, I mean they're all good, and we know that um now that we're getting older. We're just now getting older, by the way.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's been a kind of a journey. We've launched six of our eight children, and it has, you know, there's been some bumpy parts and some really fun parts, but overall, I I do enjoy the season with our kids. Um, but specifically to this question on practical ways to intentionally be involved in their lives. And I think one of the main uh things um is being interested in what they're interested in. If your kids are involved in music, show genuine interest, like learn about what they are interested in. If they're really good at playing the saxophone, watch yourself some YouTube videos about what makes a good saxophone player so that you can learn to speak their language and have meaningful conversations. And you're laughing because of it.
SPEAKER_01I know where you're heading with this. So my wife has been watching defensive line video to try to figure out what in the world her son is doing on the field.
SPEAKER_03That is true. Because it's important, he's interested in it.
SPEAKER_01And defensive line is is funny because it's all over the place. And and you think it'd be pretty straightforward, like C quarterback, tackle quarterback, but it's not, and there's a lot of stunts and movements and plays, and and usually it's just a big pile of mess, yeah, which is what my wife is. That's what she sees, it's a big pile of mess, where I'm like, oh, Elijah made a good play, even though he didn't make the tackle, he's the one that pushed the running back to the one that could make the tackle. And so there's a lot of intricacies. So she used saxophone as the example, but really what she was thinking was defensive line.
SPEAKER_03Yep, that's true. I'm just saying, we don't have a saxophone player at our house. However, it's true, whatever their interests are. Um, you know, and one of our uh our son who's 17 is extremely interested in musical scores that go along with movies. And so this fall, we I didn't even I don't even pay attention to it. It never like even on my radar up past that sounds pretty. I do notice that sounds pretty.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But he has become extremely interested in them. And it there was a Han Zimmer concert, which Hans Zimmer, I didn't know that name until six months ago. And we took him to that concert because it's an area that he's extremely passionate about.
SPEAKER_01And it was incredible, by the way. Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_03I now am a big Han Zimmer fan.
SPEAKER_01I am too. Highly recommended.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but just taking the time to be interested in what they're interested in and doing it together as a family.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and when we really talk about transitions, which is a little bit more what I answered this question with, is just the transition piece and how we walk through it with them. Um, just a couple comments. Um, number one is when we intentionally parent and and when we you know inject ourselves into their lives, which is what we should do as parents, that's not constricting their wings. Yeah, you know, when we think about letting them fly, yeah. Um I we Amy Amy and I are very, very adamant about the fact that you know parents need to parent.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And and it's okay to really walk through them during these transitions, walk through walk through life with them while they're transitioning.
SPEAKER_03It sounded like they were invisible and you're just gonna walk through them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, walk with them uh through these transitions um because they need parents. Right. It's a new experience because it's a new experience. They've never experienced it before. And most things we have, not everything, um, but a lot of things that we have, and so we can give them advice and and counsel them and just be an ear to listen to, um, you know, just to offstress some of it a little bit. Um, Amy Fields many calls during the day of off-stressing. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that. That's what parents are for. And so just be really available um and provide the time for them to share their hearts and to explain the things that they're walking through because it's new.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And I think actually our two responses so far go hand in hand. Yeah. Because I think uh when we invest time in their younger years and being truly interested in what they're interested in and having conversations with them in those areas of interest, it it allows this gradual progression to being just organically involved in their decision making because we're used to operating as a family. And so their interests, whether it's hey, what college am I picking or who should I get married to, I mean, that starts with, hey, come see my Lego creation when they're six. And so being interested in those things and being involved and and just have curiosity about your children, is a beautiful thing that leads to having these open door conversations when it truly matters. Don't wait, don't don't ignore the Lego and then only want to be involved in the what college, what woman, what you know, those conversations. Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and you know, it it is crazy though, if you think about ages 18 to 23, 22, and how many decisions are made in that window of life. It's unprecedented, and the rest of your life you really don't make that many as big of decisions as you do, right there. Um, where you're gonna go to school, what you're gonna study, what your job's gonna be, who you're gonna marry, um, all of those different um aspects of life. Um, and and they need help.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, they do.
SPEAKER_01And so whether they know it or not, part of this podcast is to empower you as parents to um not listen to the world that says, Oh, we don't want to constrict them, we don't want to over overparent. And yes, I mean, I mean, there's always ways to be obnoxious about things. I mean, all of us have the ability to do that, yeah, we do, but always err on the side of over-communicating, err on the side of over-parenting, because that's what your parents, that's what your parents, that's what your children need from their parents. That's why we're parents. Yeah, and that's why they're called dependents, because they depend on parents to actually give them instruction through life. I Amy knows this, but one of my biggest pet peeves is sort of the comment that we need to let the kids make their own mistakes and we need to let them discover things on their own. I think that's a bunch of baloney, honestly. I really do. I mean, why have parents if we don't share our experiences, the good, the bad, and the ugly of the things that we actually walk through so that they don't have to make the same mistakes? I get a little red in the face when we talk about that one. It's so important though. That's why they have us, and so we can actually give them really sound advice so that they don't have to make the same mistakes that we did. That's ridiculous. Yeah. Um, and so, yes, they need to understand life. They need it doesn't mean we jump in and we take their classes for them. It doesn't mean that we don't do it.
SPEAKER_03Don't write those papers for your babies.
SPEAKER_01And as much as I would like to pick the spouses out for my daughters, um, apparently that's not a thing anymore. Apparently, the whole arranged marriage thing is kind of falling out of favor in America, at least, anyway. Um, so apparently that's not something I can do. But as much as I would like to do that, we get to let them make their own decisions in some of those things as well. So they make their own decisions, but but boy, I I want to have a voice in who they marry. Yeah. I I mean, yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, we we are their parents, and so we need to not we need to unashamedly be part of their lives.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that's good. And the other thing, so you went, you know, deep launch. I'm I'm going, you know, I the other thing that I wrote down was about having fun with your kids because I I feel like what Johnny is talking about is best built on a platform of fun and enjoyment as a family. Yeah. And so when your kids are younger and you've shown interest in what they're interested in and you play a lot together, you have fun together, you watch movies together, you you play board games together, you go snowshoeing together, you find things that are fun to do as a family, and then you do them and you do them on repeat. Fun in family is not something you only do on vacation. It needs to be something that you do on the daily, like every day, laughing with your kids, doing, you know, even if you have just 20 minutes capturing a small board game or capturing a snuggle on the couch, those things are super important. And sometimes in busy lives as parents, we can move past them because we think that, you know, our jobs, yes, super important. Um, keeping our house clean, important. Um, all the things that weigh on our time, like our commitments to our church, all of those things. But if those things are crowding out family fun, your life has become too crowded because you actually want to invest in these things so that when your children launch, they want to come home and have fun some more. That your nest is a place of fun for your families if they're two, if they're 10, when they're 30, and bringing their own children home to have fun, that that's a hallmark of it.
SPEAKER_01That's good. Uh fun, fun is the key, and you really learn a lot about each other when you're just playing and enjoying each other. You know, it's true. It's true. No examples given. Um I'm a little competitive. Really? I didn't know. Maybe. And so sometimes that brings out some things which isn't isn't good, and the Lord's working on me. Um, but it's but but also, you know, great conversations have broken out when you're just spending time together outside of those stressful situations where you can just kind of be. Yeah. And I think that's really important as well. And speaking of stressful situations, I think this is very, very important in the culture in which we live right now, is that stress isn't always bad.
SPEAKER_03Right. That's good.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Sometimes when we look at things that are hard, we we equate things that are hard with things that are bad. And and when we are operating in the kingdom, um, he's gonna ask us to do hard things. And some part of some part of that, a big part of that, are called transitions.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01And and it's a it's a sometimes transitions are one of those bum bum boom kind of words where it's like, I'd rather just stay where I am, where I'm comfortable in doing what I'm comfortable doing. Um, but he doesn't usually leave us there. That usually is not his MO. Yeah, he usually tries to draw us into deeper waters, and and sometimes that's a little bit of an uncomfortable place to be, but that does make it bad. Yeah, and so I I want to raise kids that are unafraid to try something new, um, to push the envelope, yeah, to to stretch themselves, in even, if I dare say, do something that's really uncomfortable. Yeah, um, I always tell our kids this, and you're you're gonna recognize this that he's he never promised us comfort. Yeah, nowhere in the Bible does he say that he he he gives us the comforter. Yeah, and and I always say he would never have had to give us the comforter if he didn't require us to do things that are uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01And so that's so good. So that's that's the reason he is there, is because he's actually drawing us things into things uncomfortable. Yeah. Um, and so I'm willing to be uncomfortable for him. I'm willing to do things that stretch me, even though I'd much rather just stay in my little with my little nookie blanky. But he doesn't always allow that for us, and we want to raise kids that are unafraid to do that as well.
SPEAKER_03So yeah, and when you have people that are around you no matter what, it's a safe place to do new and uncomfortable things. That's what family's for. And that's what family's for. They're not ever just out there by themselves and and facing the storms of life alone.
SPEAKER_01Just this last year, we've had we've had a couple of our children that have really, you know, made some big changes and big moves. And and you know, going out the door, Amy and I have been purposing to say, you know, we're with you in this, like whatever it takes, because we know this is gonna be a difficult transition. So, you know, financially and spiritually and emotionally, and whatever, whatever you need, because that's what family does, yeah, is we surround each other during those difficult times. But you know, they're difficult, but they're good. Yeah, you know. I we were just talking this weekend about glory to glory. He always takes us into something better, yeah. And you know, and the latter house will be greater than the former house. Yes, that's how he rolls, and I love that. And I and I just released that over you too, as you listen. That even as we transition, even as our kids, when they're 18 and 17 and they're thinking about these really big decisions in life, um, that that it's good. Yeah, he's they're taking them into something else that's even greater, that's even greater. And so I just want to encourage you parents in that as well, is to always have that perspective.
SPEAKER_03And that actually brings to my mind um when when our oldest two, Jake and Emma, they they launched within like nine months of each other, and it was I felt like I had whiplash. You know, I'm I am by nature a gatherer and I love having all my kids in my nest. And so when my first couple were out and about and doing things, I had like started to feel depressed. Like I was just like, just I felt like I was in mourning, and it sounds silly, but I was just mourning the loss of having everybody together. And the Lord actually, He called me into account about that using actually that phrase, glory to glory. And he said to me, He's like, Amy, don't you know that I move you from one season of glory to a new season of glory? Wow. And just because you've loved the past season of glory doesn't mean you're not gonna love the next season, you just haven't tasted it yet. And that that realization and a little bit of repentance on my part, you know, for for allowing those emotions to take root in the things I was believing, but really broke that off of me and it allowed me to almost instantaneously embrace the next season of glory. Yeah. And it has been a next season of glory. We're enjoying this time too, as we have adult kids and grandbabies and all the the all the yummy things that accompany it. Um, but I had to get a perspective of the glory to glory and we need it for ourselves, we need it, and we need to show that to our children as well.
SPEAKER_01And the last thing I would say too is just that you know, we always need to make sure that we, especially I shouldn't say especially, with all of our children, but but it's really been impressing on me, even with our older children, is to make sure that we are positively reinforcing them because they are amazing people. Yeah, and they and they are making really good decisions. Yeah, and and and because they're human, they're probably wondering that. Yeah. And so when parents come along and say, Man, you know, you you picked the right thing, you picked the right girl, you picked the right thing, you know, you you walk through this really well. Yeah, um, when you you know, your parenting, I'm I'm I'm blown away by your parenting. Yeah, you know, and and we just say things like that, it it just settles some things in their spirit. And so how you know the question is how how do we be involved in their lives while while still allowing them to sort of be themselves in their own homes? I think that's one way that's really a powerful way of doing it is is just noticing the all the things that they're doing well. Yeah, and you know, you know, the old adage of the mother-in-law and all these things. I mean, those are cultural things that don't have to be. No, and and so we can just be the most encouragers to them, even if even if it wouldn't be the way that we would do it. Yeah, you know, I think that's really key because sometimes we get we get you know, we are like little curmudgeons, and you know, we think that's gotta be done our way, right? And then if they do it a different way, then something needs to be said. Right. Well, usually not, and and you know, and Amy and I have kind of adopted the the phrase, they'll figure it out. It doesn't mean that we're just pushing them into the deep end, but even though it's not how we would do it, they'll figure it out because they do and they're amazing people. And so just you know, just make sure that we're encouraging them because it's a very vulnerable time being a young adult. Yep.
SPEAKER_03Um, and uh you don't have the track yet track record that you have at 52 and 56 of the times the Lord has come through or the times we've made even a wrong decision, but the Lord has still been faithful. You know, plenty of those. Yeah, yeah. They're building their track record, and so they need cheerleaders along the way.
SPEAKER_01Right, right. Um, so Father, we are so grateful for transitions. Um, it's a it's a it's a powerful word, sometimes a scary word, um, but Lord, you are always so good and you take us from glory to glory. And so, Lord, even over the listeners listening today to this podcast, um, I just release a blessing over their homes, especially when they have children that are starting to think about these launching periods, these transitions in life, these big transitions in life. Lord, I just pray for wisdom for parents to guide them and to direct them, to be intentional and to be encouraging to them through these times. And then and for the kiddos themselves, that they would be connected to your voice, um, not live in fear, um, but live with anticipation of what you have for them next. Uh, because you're a good God like that. And and and we are so grateful to be your children. Yeah. So we just release that blessing right now in Jesus' name.
SPEAKER_00If you would like to submit a question for our show for Don and Amy to answer, just go to our website at GoFam.org and submit through the Contact Me page on our website. How you can partner with us is by finding us on social media, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, wherever you listen to your podcast, and follow us there. Like, comment, interact with us so that we can boost our engagement in the region more people.