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Famology
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Famology
When Hurt Runs Deep: Healing a Divided Family
What is the best way to heal a family when offense has occurred and the family is split?
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Hello everyone and welcome to Famology. We're John and Amy Clausen answering your questions about family, marriage, parenting, and having a really good time doing it. So thank you for tuning in. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's to all of you during the season. We had a very, very cold, big cold snap here in Minnesota and it's slowly warming up. But our studio is a little cool. Yeah. So if we do this a little bit. We're a little freezing. We have the space heater on and we're gonna be fine.
SPEAKER_01:I told myself to bring a blanket and I forgot the blanket.
SPEAKER_02:So we're gonna be good. We're gonna be good. But we are certainly enjoying uh our time together with you and uh and ask you to give your feedback, uh things that you would like to uh hear spoken about, um connecting with us, answering questions, um insight that you might have on some things that we're talking about as well. Um so we'd like to get to hear from you.
SPEAKER_01:I know after one of our questions, I can't now I'm not gonna remember which one it was. Um, my mom, who is an avid listener and I would say maybe our biggest fan. Yeah, can you imagine? But she had some great things that she um added on to either our YouTube video or something because she was giving me uh her other addendums, and I'm like, mom, you should write those on there because there's just lots of wisdom in the kingdom of God.
SPEAKER_02:And we should share it.
SPEAKER_01:Yep, we should share it.
SPEAKER_02:So, speaking of that, uh let's get into our question of the day. And it is what is the best way to heal a family when offense has occurred and the family is split? So that's a hard question, a sad question for sure, uh, but a really, really important question.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah, it is. And one and one that has so many nuances to it because family split can mean you know, generational things that it's just broken open or something that an offense has taken place and it's easily mended. Yeah, so it feels like there could be um layers of answers to this question.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and I think the first most important answer that I can give is that it's worth it. Because the cultures today is telling us, well, just find another family. Yeah. Somebody else can just be your family or fill that void. Um, and and we know that family hurts and can be painful. Um, but in a lot of ways, it's because of the emotion that's connected to the depth of relationship that's found in family, uh, sometimes create some of that pain and hurt. Um, and so it's a byproduct of the importance that's there. And so my my first answer to this question is it's worth it. And so the heart of this question is how do we fix it? What's what's how how do you tackle that offense? And my first response is is just be intentional to do it because it is worth it, even though it can be certainly painful. Um, I just wrote down that the importance determines the level of intentionality. The more important something is, the more intentional we are about it. That's just true, whether it's our car or our job or relationships. Well, the most important thing is sitting right next to me. My wife, she's the most important thing. So that requires the my highest degree of intentionality in that relationship. And so that's true with family, with other relationships, and we can go right down the line. Um, and so so it's worth it. And so that's my first message to those of you who are listening because you might think, well, my family is so far gone, it's just not worth it anymore. There's too much pain. Every time we're together, it just ends in a fight, and so I'm just I'm just done. And people have that response and they look to other relationships to try to fill that need. Um, but that's not how it's supposed to work.
SPEAKER_01:No, and I think when there is conflict and uh offense, so there's no way for uh for relationships to be split without offense having taken place. Yes, and I don't know if you guys are at all like me, but sometimes when there is conflict, I see things very clearly from my own perspective. And I can um create reasons why I am correct in any certain conflict because I understand my point of view and I have what I feel is 100% clarity into uh the rationale for why I've responded the way I've responded. And in fact, last week Johnny and I were in the middle of a conflict. Imagine that. And the Holy Spirit kind of stopped me. I was literally just walking down the stairs, and he's like, is it possible that you're not seeing things as clearly as you think you're seeing them? And I was like, um, what do you mean by that? And so I think when there's offense, number one, there's only one part of the offense or relational discord that you can take care of. And that's the part that you own. And part of that means that we have to be humble and be willing to admit the possibility that we're wrong, and all of our justifications around our emotions could also be wrong.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and it's so great that they use the word offense because it's so often, in our experience, not the issue of the conversation, it's the offense that's taken from the conversation that really destroys relationships and families. And so the word offense is the right word. And offense isn't something that's given, offense is something that's taken. We take offense. Yeah, and so it's an actual choice. And so sometimes that's sometimes that's hard to hear when we feel like we've been treated unfairly. Yeah. Um, and uh, and so uh the the word is the the the Greek word is scandalon. My my children roll their eyes when I start to teach, but I can't sometimes I can't help it. The Greek word is the word scandalon, and and it it it's the word we get scandal or to scandalize. That's the word offense. I mean, that's how serious it is. Um, but if you look it up, it's actually a box and stick trap. And so the offended person is the one that gets trapped, not the one who's the offender, it's the one who's offended. And so the problem in families is that we're all living in these boxes, yeah, all offended at each other, and we're all trapped. And so the the answer, the the question is how do we fix that? Well, it's not taking the bait. Yeah, and so the enemy wants us to live an offense, it's his number one tool to try to keep us separated and to try to destroy relationships, and we've seen it over and over again. That's why we're doing a podcast about family, is because we've seen it in marriages and relationships with children and grandparents, um, these offenses that are there, and it has actually destroyed marriages and destroyed families. That's what this is about. And so we have to not take the bait.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's the key.
SPEAKER_02:That's good because the enemy wants to come and he sets a bait for us, he knows what offends us, he knows our little triggers, yeah, and then we get trapped, you know.
SPEAKER_01:And sometimes I feel like we become offended at other people's offense, you know. So you head to a Christmas gathering and you're watching for the relative, the sibling, whatever it is, to respond the way you know they always do. You're pre-offended, yes, and and you're watching for them to be um short-tempered or remote or to stand off ish because they never want to really engage with the family. And then when you see their offense, you become offended at it. And so as we're heading into Christmas gatherings next week, I feel like this maybe is a timely question for this listener to have asked because we're all heading into a high intensity family get together season.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And we've mentioned before, but we don't we don't share our answers beforehand. Um, but I think I think you, sweetheart, just hit the nail on the head uh in the fact that it's it's it's this the the feeling that it's well only what we can control. Because as soon as you feel like you're gonna be the Holy Spirit for somebody else, or you're gonna point out the fact that they are they're the ones who are always offended, or the look on their face is is is hurtful to me. As soon as you try to correct them, yeah, um, it never really works. It never ever works, actually. We can't be the Holy Spirit for them, and so you can only control what you have, and and that's what the enemy wants to attack you at is that place of offense. And so the answer is, of course, drum roll is forgiveness, and forgiveness is such a big powerful word. Um, but we have to pre-forgive. Yeah, instead of being pre-offended, we have to pre-forgive, yeah. Meaning that we're not going to be offended, we're not going to take the bait, and you don't owe me anything. Yeah. And that's a really hard place to go. But when we're heading into the holidays, isn't that the way we want to walk through the door? Yeah. You don't owe me anything. I'm not looking for the case against you. Um, so we're just going to set down our swords. It's it's the only way to really bring real healing in family is to not bring a sword to the family gathering. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know, that's it's and not even have it in the sheath. Because sometimes we'll be like, okay, I'm not weaponizing.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, unless I need it.
SPEAKER_01:But I have it here if I need it. You know, and we make those cases where where we once again, from our perspective, we justify our responses. And what the Lord's just asking us is that we have none. That we just go with one four-letter word, which is L-O-V-E love. Yeah. And when we go with real, true love, that agape love that has no strings attached to it, that is simply a gift given, then it allows us to go into the holiday season with relatives and family members that we don't see very often and actually have it be a delight.
SPEAKER_02:I think, and you know, we teach on this in our classes too, but there's a difference between settling a debt and forgiving a debt. And I'm not going to go into the big teaching of it all. Although it's one of my favorites. It's a good one. Um I believe if people can just get the notion that that we don't wait until we settle the debt, until you're sorry, yeah, then I will forgive you, and then everything will be fine. Right. If if everybody has the the understanding, the the wisdom to know that forgiveness is disconnected from that, we're just simply supposed to forgive. Um, if if we have everybody has the wisdom, I believe relationships would be healed all over the place. But instead, we retain that. We retain the ledger of all the things that you've said to me over the past several months. I've written them down in my brain, right? And I'm gonna pull them up whenever I need them. That's not forgiving. That's that's not even settling. That's just keeping a ledger of debt. Keeping a record of it. That's hardly forgiveness. And if I just simply wait and say, well, I'm just gonna wait till Amy's really sorry. And then once she's sorry, then I'll forgive her. That's not forgiveness either. That's settling. That's that's making sure she pays back what she owes me. And so forgiveness is more powerful than that, it's more radical than that. And I think it's what is is required for family healing. And so I'm sorry if you're listening to this and there's been a lot of hurt, family relational hurt over the years. Yeah, I my challenge to you is to forgive.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and whether they deserve it or not. And realize that what has taken sometimes years to develop in a family is not gonna be usually without the Holy Spirit just coming in and you know, rapidly just doing his thing, which can happen. But most of the time it's gonna be something that slowly gets marinated over time. And so, and you deciding that your family and the healing is worth it and doing what you can, sometimes we devalue that and say, Well, it's just not enough. It's not enough for me just not to be angry. But you have to keep in mind that as you're heading into this holiday and you're going armed with love, pre-forgiveness, and determined that you're unoffendable, and you go into your family gathering like that, even though everyone else may still be armed, you are coming in with a different spirit. And the spirit of God is powerful. And so it's contagious, even. And so as you're heading into your family gatherings with the contagious presence of God, knowing that everywhere your feet tread, actually things begin to change. You're planting seeds this Christmas for reconciliation and restoration in your family. Yes, and it's a big, mighty, powerful thing.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and it's interesting. We said, you know, don't bring a sword to the family gatherings. Well, what is the sword? The sword is our words, the things that we say to each other. So, how about just just offer? I'm gonna offer you just some real practical things. Start seeing the gold in people and calling it out. So you walk through the door and say, Man, your house is beautiful. Your house is always beautiful. How do you do that? And you start complimenting people, you start seeing, you know, I love the way that you smile at me. I love, I love the way that you take care of your children. You're such a good parent. You start saying things to people and it diffuses things because it's the spirit of compassion that enters the room. And so our words carry life or death, the Bible says. And so rather than continuing to look for the the death and can't wait till we get to say what we really want to say, we actually call out the gold in each other. Um, the Bible also says that a calm response turns away wrath. Yeah. Um, so when we're calm and and sometimes, you know, the Holy Spirit is good at what he does, which means that if there is hurt in your relationship, he's gonna bring it up. Yeah, what a great time to just calmly respond to it and say, Yeah, I I realize that. I I know that I've spoken wrongly too. And all of a sudden things are calm and things are getting taken care of because that that raw emotion isn't there, you're not trapped in a box, right? You're free to actually call out the good in each other. Yeah, and then I'll offer one other four-letter word. Yeah, you said L-O-V-E. That's a good one. Um, the other one that Amy and I have adopted over the years is GWTF. It's not really a word, it's more of an acronym. It's an acronym. It's a good one, though. It's it served us well, and it's go with the flow, GWTF. And so sometimes when we're feeling like we're pushing against some things or there's some control things going on, Amy and I will look at each other sometimes and just say GWTF. And and it's because most of the things that we get uptight about aren't that big of a deal. Right. And so we can go along with other people's plans, we can go along with other people's motives, the things that they feel are important, maybe, and uh, and that's called family. Yeah, and GWTF has served us well over the years. So I I release that to you as well as a as a tool. Yeah. Um, but I think calm, forgive, um, you know, pre-forgive, um, a calm response, GWTF, these are things that can really help you this season. Um, but you just have to go in and come in low and and realize that these people that the Lord has entrusted you with called family, yeah, are so stinking important. Yeah. And uh when we see that, um, I believe that what the value will be there and the Holy Spirit will take care of the rest of it.
SPEAKER_01:And the other the other thing that just comes to mind right as we're wrapping this question up, before we head out the door, like having a little prayer huddle with your immediate family, those that are in your home still, and just is and just saying, Okay, guys, we're heading to grandma and grandpa's and you're gonna have your cousins there, which is gonna be really fun. But I know sometimes those cousin relationships, I had tricky cousins as a kid, and and I didn't necessarily look forward to spending time with them because they were a little another four-letter word, M-E-A-N, and it was tricky. And I remember my mom, you know, kind of cheering me on before they would get there. And I and I think that's okay, just to pre-arm our kids. Like, okay, they might say something mean, but even if somebody says something mean, you don't have to say anything mean back because you know Jesus loves you, and it's only his opinion that matters. Mommy and daddy are there for you if you don't feel safe. You can always come to me and just pre-guide your children to help navigate some of the relationships that you know that they might face. And then pray, let the spirit of peace descend on you, descend on your kids, descend on your family, so that as you head out the door, it's in that spirit that you go and you actually are bringing kingdom to change the world, one family at a time.
SPEAKER_02:And the whole point of these questions is to offer strategy. And so hopefully that this helps because you know, again, the strategy isn't to show them their wrong ways, it just doesn't work. Um, but let me just read this verse to you 2 Corinthians 2.10, one of my favorite ones. Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven, if there was anything to forgive, I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake. Yeah, in order that Satan might not outwit us, for we are not unaware of his schemes.
SPEAKER_01:That's a good verse.
SPEAKER_02:And so if we get nothing else out of this podcast, get the fact that Satan wants to keep you disconnected from your family. That's his goal. Yeah, um, he loves it, and so we can't take the bait.
SPEAKER_01:That's right.
SPEAKER_02:He's gonna throw a little offense in your way and see if you take it and see if you'll let that box fall over the top of you. And and you will be the one trapped. I promise you. It won't be the offender, it'll be you. And so let's just not take the bait. Let's let's not be unaware of his schemes.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I agree, amen.
SPEAKER_02:Do you want to pray?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. So, Lord Jesus, we are super thankful that your blood is enough, that you have supplied every single thing that we need for every relationship, for every need, and that even now we just place the blood of Jesus, your precious blood, over our families, over our relationships, over our parents, our siblings, our children, our spouses, over our cousins and our aunts and uncles and our great-grandparents. Father, we just thank you for the fresh breath that you're breathing over every one of our homes even now. And we thank you that our families are called to flourish and that our generations are the ones that are going to light the way for the advancing of the kingdom of God.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:We love you and we just thank you.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And Lord, for those families who are struggling, um, I just pray that this holiday season would be a turning point. Yes. And that as even just even hopefully some wisdom from this podcast, as people go unarmed, um, pre-forgiven, um, Lord, that the the this the the atmosphere in those rooms would would shift and would change, and that this would be a time of real healing and and and words communicated in love to one another. Um, I just pray that over each family listening here today. Uh, and I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.
SPEAKER_00:If you would like to submit a question for Johnny and Amy to answer on a future episode, head over to the FAMology page on our website at gofam.org or simply click the link in the caption below. And if you're enjoying the show, be sure to leave a review or a comment wherever you listen or watch. It really helps us out. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week.