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Famology
Providing practical, insightful, and Biblical answers to your questions about family, marriage, and parenting.
Famology
How Did You Know? Discerning the One God Has for You
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This Famology episode explores how to discern whether someone is the spouse God has for you. Jonny and Amy share personal stories and biblical insight on dating, highlighting the importance of joy, peace, character, wise counsel, and the Father’s loving guidance. Rather than relying on formulas or fear, they encourage trusting the Holy Spirit, allowing space for healing, and recognizing that God often leads through delight, excitement, and community as He brings two people together for His purposes.
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Hello everyone and welcome back to FAMology. We're John and Amy Clausen, and we're enjoying just bringing these questions that are on your heart to our podcast. And so we encourage you to keep connecting with us online and through our website and through Facebook and Instagram. Opportunities for you to leave those questions that are burning on your heart about marriage, parenting, and family, because we do this every day, don't we? This whole family thing. And so we do it much more than we do church. We do it more than we do our work. Family is the thing that is the center of culture that He's created for us, and our homes are really important. So these questions are important, which means that your question is really important to us. And so it's our pleasure to entertain these questions and do the best we can to answer them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_02Welcome to 2026, by the way.
SPEAKER_03That's true.
SPEAKER_02The new year has flipped around. Here we go. Yeah. Here we go. Here we start.
SPEAKER_03It's so much fun, and it is always kind of a fresh start, and it helps you sort of just examine where we are, even with the things of the Lord. And so I just bless you all in the new year as well. Yeah. As your mind is maybe moving towards resolutions or things that you're hoping to get done this year, or just new things, new adventures, or or the T-word, you know, transitions. Yeah. You know, a lot of people are going through those as well. They're all good because it's all part of his kingdom. And so we just bless you in that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So here's the question.
SPEAKER_02All right.
SPEAKER_03How did you know your husband or wife was meant to be your husband or wife? And if it was God, what did he say or how did he show you? It's a great question. It's a great question. Do you want to go ahead and start?
SPEAKER_02Well, it's interesting that this question landed randomly after last week's about dating. Yeah. Because it's kind of that transition. Yeah. You know. T-word. Yeah. So when you are dating, what are the things? How did you know? How did we know ourselves? And I I feel like our dating time was sometimes hard for me because of my previous dating experiences and the wounds that they had left. I um and I don't even know how to say that, besides I know that there were some soul ties that were with guys that weren't guys that I was gonna marry, and that the Holy Spirit had to really work and heal some of those places for me. And it and just it wasn't like sexual things, it's just that that sharing peace that happens in dating. And so I I would I would assume that that's magnified like on steroids if there's been like a sexual component to that. Um you know, and so finding making that bridge between here we are, this is the guy that I'm thinking about, this is the guy I feel like I'm supposed to marry, um, and allowing the Holy Spirit to kind of heal some of those things so that you can you can step forward in faith. And for for me, there was that balance between you are everything of my dreams and wow, but relationships have hurt me in the past. And so that I there was a little struggle for me there, I think.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02When we first initially started dating.
SPEAKER_03No, and my culture was was similar and you know, public school, and that's just what you did, and yeah, who's gonna be your girlfriend? And um, and so that was certainly my experience as well. I just I'm gonna interject here.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we went to a wedding of with one of his friends from high school. Hopefully she's not listening right now. I know. In her wedding dress, she said to me as we went through the reception line, Oh, I don't know how you snagged him. I tried to get him for years, and now it's like, really? That's gonna be your hello.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, there's a few little love triangle things that that and my personality just, you know, like I wasn't eating that up. It was it was just like a lot of eye rolling in my my my heart. And uh actually out of high school, you know, I I sort of I sort of shut it down a little bit, kind of like, you know, there's there's gonna be the right time and the right person. And I I was able to at least kind of say, you know, I'm just gonna wait until the uh you know the bells ring, so to speak.
SPEAKER_02The bells ring.
SPEAKER_03But that's what this question is about.
SPEAKER_02Tell me about your bells.
SPEAKER_03The question is, are there bells? But yeah, I mean, for you it was bells. I mean, I you know, I I saw her in church and um I thought your name was Amy King, yeah, but it was Amy Rich, so the same kind of idea, you know, royalty, um, that whole deal. Um, but you know, our eyes met across the way, and um I was sitting with my sister, and I didn't want you to think that you know that my sister was my girlfriend, you know. And so I made it, I'm sorry, yeah, I made it very clear that you know I was not with her. Uh and make a very long story short, you know, the rest is history, but um, but yeah, I you know, with with Amy, you know, it was one of those things where it was um it was there was such an ease of relationship, and I think that's maybe one factor um that we can add to this is yeah, um, you know, it's supposed to be fun.
SPEAKER_02Yes, it is.
SPEAKER_03And and I, you know, as I was answering this question, I was kind of like, you know, it's really it's it in my opinion, it always comes back to a father. Yeah, you know, a father, you know, provides something for his children because he loves us.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And so if we have the mindset that, you know, I I feel like I'm gonna get married, I want to get married, um, and we even deal with this in our own ministry where a lot of single people come up and even in tears, like, I just I just want a spouse and I haven't found anybody. Well, you know, we're pretty bold about going after that because if it's if it's in your heart, it's most likely from the Father. Yeah, and uh Psalm 37, 4 says, Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Now we always think that that means that oh, we have things that he wants and he that we want, and he's gonna give them to us. But that's actually, I don't believe what this is saying is he's actually saying he's going to give you the desire in your heart. It comes from him. So if you have a desire, it's because he put it there.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_03And the word desire, I'm teaching now. That's okay. The word desire means from the father, the word sire means to father something. Um, so the word desire, he will give you the things from the father, yeah, and he'll put those in your heart. And so if you have if you have that heart and you're like, oh, I uh maybe the heart of this question is how do I know and what do I look for? And and who's that special person? And and you know, were there were there bells chiming in the background when you saw them? Um, I I believe that there actually can be because the father is like that. And so the first thing I put is that he's all about joy.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And so, you know, it should be fun. And if it isn't, I I would really caution you about entering into a relationship or or feeling that that's the person you're gonna marry, if at especially at first, if it's not fun, yeah. If you're not enjoying each other, um, I I just believe that's part of his nature, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Right, yeah, and and dating is the season where people are in their best behavior. And if there's if there's weightiness and conflict during that time, I mean that that's just gonna be magnified when you're married. Those things don't go away when you say I do. Yeah, and so it's not that everything has to be perfect when you're dating, but there just has to be an essence of joy and delight. Like being with you was my favorite thing. And we just we just enjoyed being together. We enjoyed laughing, we still do, we still do, enjoyed laughing together, and there's um, there's just something that in those relationships, when it is the one that the Lord has for you, there is a joy and delight that comes along with that. And I think we've even counseled our own adult children who are now married um with that same thing, like, you know, caution, caution. If it's this hard in month two, like, you know, end cut, you know, because because you there should be a phase where you're just it's it's marked by delight. And the other thing that what stood out for me when I was trying to decide if you were the right guy for me is I watched your every interaction with other people. I watched your interactions with your mother, I watched your interactions with your sister, I watched how you responded to your dad, and not only in public and to their face, but then what he said behind the scenes to me. Did he grumble and complain about his parents? Or and there was none of that. And so I I watched him because I figured that was gonna be how he would someday treat me, you know, because one day you've been married 15 years and some of the new isn't there anymore, and so you actually just get the real person. Yeah, so pay attention to who the person is in front of people and behind their backs. You want to see because someday it's gonna be you.
SPEAKER_03Well, there's a reason that companies hire interns because they've seen them actually in their in their natural environment, right? Uh versus somebody that just comes in for an interview. Oh, yeah. Because that interview, that interview phenomenon where anybody can look good in an interview, right? Um, but until you see them in their natural habitat and the way they work under stress and different things that way. And so it's beautiful to have an intern come in and you see them and you still like them. Yeah. And that's kind of how it is really with dating. That's kind of what it's for, is that you're living life side by side, not together in a marriage relationship, but you're seeing each other in their natural habitat. Right. What what happens when you know things get a little bit stressed? What happens when they have a flat tire? Right. What happens when they're on the basketball court or they turn into Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde kind of thing? Yeah. Um, because those are indicators of of what things are gonna happen when when the guards go down.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_03And so, um, and again, it's not all caution red flag stuff. It's the opposite is true too. So when you see them caring for people and loving people and saying kind words and being generous, and all of those things are really important too. Yeah, and and that's when you fall in love with them because you see, you know, once the guard is down, who they really are down at the core. Yeah, and it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and we all screw up and what we what we do in the moments of screw up is also very important. Yeah, you know, and if we're if we're quick to repent, you know, and be like willing to admit we're wrong, because we've all seen people who screw up and then do everything they can to defend themselves and prove that it wasn't really wrong.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um, or we've also watched people that when they make mistakes, they own it. Yeah, you know, and and so just watching those interactions as well.
SPEAKER_03I think that's key. And I think the answer to this question isn't make a ledger, right? You know, put on the left side the things that you like about them, right? And on the right side the things you hate about them or wish that were different. I mean, that's that's not how we do life. And in fact, I th I think love is when you look at the stuff on the right side and you say, I love them anyway, yeah, despite those things. And and so it's it, you know, I'd caution anybody who's trying to find a spouse to to do the plus-minus list, you know what I mean? Because nobody is perfect. That's true. But it's it's that place of refinement that comes through the Holy Spirit that allows all of us to live forgiven. I mean, yeah, none of us have done any of these things perfectly, and I had not been a perfect husband and uh or father or any of those things, but but by the grace of God, yeah, you know, um, you can still love me. You know what I mean? And so that's that's how it works. And so, yeah, resist the temptation to to create a list or say this this person is better than this person, door number one, door number two. It's not how it works, it's about it's about you know what is your what is your spirit saying to you as as you connect with each other.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And I think that there's there is a peace that rests over decisions when the Lord's also resting on it.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_02But I I just that's absolutely true. We just have to make sure that if we feel anxious, that it's not fear that's behind your anxiety or behind your caution, you know, because when we're trying to discern, hey, is this person right or is this person wrong, there's a peace that the Lord brings. If you're not in peace and you feel a little bit of uncertainty, anxiety, ask the Lord to pinpoint that for you. Because if it's fear that you're gonna be rejected again or that you're not gonna measure up, just those things the Holy Spirit can help heal. If it's, you know, a caution that you feel is from the Lord, yeah, then you need to pay attention to that. Don't ignore the cautions that are from the Lord.
SPEAKER_03And cautions don't always mean no, sometimes it just means wait. Yeah. Um, it kind of goes back to our last week's podcast. There's no hurry. Yeah. Um, you know, sometimes things need to be refined, sometimes things need to get healed before you marry them. Yeah. Um, and those are all just things that it's great to have people in your corner that help walk you through that. I would vote for parents. Yeah. That's what parents are for, is to help people help their children navigate some of those things. Yeah. Um, but at the end of the day, I just believe it's supposed to be fun, exciting. I I think I'd even take it one step further than peace. I would say excitement.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Because that's just because again, it goes back to the nature of the father's heart. I know how he feels about me.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And it's excitement.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_03And it he's excited about me. He's excited about you. And and when when we're in line with what he's created for us, I think we feel his excitement. Yeah. And that's what we should feel. And uh, that's what I felt.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_0332 years ago. You know what I mean? It was. It was it was the greatest moment of my life. Yeah. And and that's the way it should be. And so that's what you're going to feel. Yeah. Um, and and not because the person you're gonna marry is perfect, yeah. Not because of that, um, but because he's brought somebody alongside of you that's running with you, yeah, and uh and doesn't fulfill all your needs, doesn't create your identity, doesn't you know uh fill up that empty spot inside of you. That's not what they're for, they don't complete you, none of those things. Yeah, they're there because the father brought you along to accomplish something here on this earth together.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_03It's beautiful.
SPEAKER_02That's true. And the only uh last thing that I have on my heart to share about this topic is if there are people that surround you that love you and they know you really well. And uh take their opinions before the Lord. And that's not I mean, if they're everybody's like, yes, this is a great guy, two thumbs up, that's is super encouraging. If if people that are close to you and love you have some cautions, don't ignore those. I mean, and and you also don't make your decision based on somebody else's caution, but it is something that you would want to bring before the Lord and just say, Hey, is there any validity to what they're saying? Yeah, don't don't don't reject just because it maybe isn't what you wanted to hear. Yeah, just just be willing to take it before the Lord and and get his opinion on it.
SPEAKER_03So I talked to Amy for the first time at church, and then it was a Sunday, of course. So then we went back to our house and we're watching the Vikings game because that's what we do, and we had pizza.
SPEAKER_02Who did?
SPEAKER_03Um, just your family?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I just went back to my family's house. My parents together.
SPEAKER_03We talked to church and then we just talked about and so we went back and I could not eat the pizza.
SPEAKER_04That's it.
SPEAKER_03I'm just saying, if that's not a sign of love, you know what I mean. I am a I am a pizza man too. You know this. It's true, and yeah, it was just my insides were all twisted up, and you know, I was just feeling something, and but at the end of the day, you gotta say, okay, what is that? Well, the father created that, right? Yeah, and and so all of that is good, and so inside twisting, so yeah, so possible answer to this question is butterflies. I mean, those are those things you should you should feel some sparks and fireworks and butterflies. Um, it doesn't always mean that's what it is, and sometimes relationships start out different ways, so but but most of the time I think that's true, yeah, and uh enjoy that. I think I think it's from the Lord, and I and we're big fans.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, the other thing that I think is funny is that you called to ask me out and I wasn't home. It's back in the day when we had landlines and a telephone, yeah. Telephone, and he called our house, and my mom left me a message and said, Um, Johnny Clausen is calling at 12:30 on his lunch break. And what she said on there is breathe deep and don't babble because she knew I'd be so hyper, you know, waiting for his phone.
SPEAKER_03And that's the way it should be. That's the way it should be.
SPEAKER_02Breathe deep and don't babble. Words of a mother.
SPEAKER_03Uh, do you want to pray? Do you have anything more?
SPEAKER_02Nope, I don't have anything else.
SPEAKER_03I'll let you close it.
SPEAKER_02Lord Jesus, we are so thankful that you created love. And love is absolutely everything in the kingdom. The greatest of these is love. And you have made it the very hallmark of our relationship with you, yeah, um, with our relationship with others, to be the very center of marriage, parenting, and family, and everything, everything runs on it in your kingdom. And so, Lord, let us be excellent at love. Let us be led by your love, let us receive the fullness of your love. And then we thank you that in the right time and in the right season you bring along spouses for us and you pave the way. We thank you that you lead your children by your voice and that we can trust you with it. We thank you that you're great at helping us see your path. So, Lord, we just bless the people that are are looking, who are hungry for a spouse that have listened to this podcast, Father, that you would make the way plain before their feet.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_02Just like uh uh you are a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. And it's just really good to be kids in your kingdom. We love you in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen.
SPEAKER_00If you would like to submit a question for Johnny and Amy to answer on a future episode, head over to the FAMology page on our website at gofam.org, or simply click the link in the caption below. And if you're enjoying the show, be sure to leave a review or a comment wherever you listen or watch. It really helps us out. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week.