How to Define Your Family Identity: Three Foundational Questions Every Family Should Ask

In this episode of FAMology, Jon and Amy Claussen explore how family identity—also known as family culture—is formed and passed down through generations. They unpack three key questions that help families live with intention instead of comparison:

• What do you want to pass on to the next generation?
• What has your family been gifted in?
• What is God teaching your family right now?

This encouraging conversation invites families to slow down, attach joy to what matters most, and discover the unique purpose God has placed on their home.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello, welcome to FAMology. We're John and Amy Classen, and we are here to answer your questions about marriage, parenting, and family. And it's our delight to do so. If you have anything that's on your heart, go ahead and drop a question. There's a link below, and we would love to answer it for you. Um, today we have kind of a fun question.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

I'm excited to answer it. And um it is what are some keys that you would say are essential to carving out or defining your family identity?

SPEAKER_02 0:43

We get really good questions on this podcast. And you know, we we came up with this idea that we would just answer people's questions and we're kind of blown away with uh these wonderful questions. And so this is crazy. Yeah, this is a lot of fun. It's a great it's a great, kind of deep question and a really important one as well. I think you know, um, family identity, I would say also known as family culture, um, you know, the things that we steward in our own homes, yeah, I think is kind of what they're asking for, and and how do we be intentional about those things because they're very important.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Yeah, for sure. I I kind of came up with three questions. Yeah. And so I'll just start with my first one. Okay. Um when you're thinking about what your family culture is gonna look like, or or especially when your kids are younger and you haven't thought about it at all, if your kids are in the teen years, you can kind of look at what's already there. Like what are the pieces that are just naturally happening? And I think that was kind of our place. I mean, I think the first time I ever thought about family culture, my oldest was 15 or 14. I mean, I it it hadn't crossed my mind, you know, for those first years parenting. But this was the first question that I felt was important is what do you want to pass on to the next generation? What are those key things that you want your kids to do with your grandkids, to do with your great grandchildren? What are those key pieces?

SPEAKER_02 2:12

Which also happens to be the definition of culture itself. Definition of culture is the sum total ways of living pass down from generation to generation. Yeah. And so it's interesting our two little notes.

SPEAKER_01 2:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:24

Because I talked about ways, yeah, and you talked about generations, yeah, which is interesting because that's the absolute definition of culture itself. We don't compare notes, by the way. This just kind of naturally happened. Yeah. So go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

It's like we're married.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

Kind of like that.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Kind of like we've been doing this together. Um and uh the uh because my answer to that, uh there's so many things that I want to pass on to the generations, but the number one thing, and this is obvious to all of us as a Christian podcast, is we want to pass on the reality of the kingdom of God to the next generation. I don't want to pass religion to my children. I want to pass a living, breathing relationship with the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, actively exploring this kingdom that He's given us and the things that we're going to explore, our children are gonna take further, our grandchildren are gonna take further because there's no end to him.

SPEAKER_02 3:24

And so it's the reason we're here on this earth. I mean, when it comes down to it, is it isn't just to create babies that create babies and populate the earth. That's not why we're here. We're here for a reason and a purpose. Yeah, um, an identity. That's what this question is about. Yeah, and so when they're talking about family identity, it makes my heart sing because there's there's a reason your family was created, yeah, and it's for an identity that he actually has given you to change the world, yeah, um, to make it more like his world. Yeah, um, that's that's why we're here. We all want to become more like Jesus, and we all want the earth to look more like heaven. Yeah, that that's our goal, and our families play such a huge role in that, and I'll try not to ramble on about that, but I I love that. I love that so much.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

Yeah, and I feel like um in family, we want to attach joy to the things that we want to have passed down from generation to generation. Yeah, because there's something about the weightlessness of joy that makes it an easy thing, a contagious thing. Uh and where we, if we attach it with legalism, it feels like a weight that we're carrying instead of a delight that we're carrying. And so, you know, as you as you pray over this as husbands and wives and like what it looks like to pass generational things down, ask the Holy Spirit, how do I attach joy to that to make this a delight that our children just, you know, grow up in a place of passion over this instead of a place of legalism?

SPEAKER_02 4:55

Yeah. I think you should just do all three of your questions. Really? Do you want to do that? Yeah, so that people can kind of catalog that in there.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Question number one was what do you want to pass to the next generation? Question number two is what areas have you been gifted in? Teach and share those with your kids. Yeah. Because we as families, um, we carry generational things and that we don't even realize have a generational attachment to them. And I feel like we shared this one um just a couple of weeks ago about our funny poems that we do. And it's 2025. And going through our materials um from Johnny's parents, I found an old silly poem that was written by Johnny's great-great-great aunt in like two in 1905. Yeah. And it was the same kind of thing that we're writing to our family members today. But silly poems are a generational thing in your family. And I feel like we have become so compartmentalized that we don't see the generations like we should. And we all carry things that were passion plates of our great grandparents if we only knew. Right. You know, and so what are the areas that we innately are gifted and skilled in that we can train and teach our children while they're still in our homes? What are those places?

SPEAKER_02 6:18

But you even hear that in casual conversation. Oh, they're such a sports family, or they're such a musical family. Yes. Or, you know, that all these different things are, you know, they're they're such a um, you know, a um a generous family. Yeah. You know, all these different things. You you just you see these little nuggets of things culture that you see in other families. And I just love that.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

I think it's yeah, and there's anointings that come with those as well. In fact, our son-in-law, um I okay, I could get this wrong. He's at least a third generation pastor. I don't know if it goes farther back than that. I might have to ask. But the anointing, the pastoral anointing on his life is through the roof. Yeah, and it's a family generational and generational anointing that he carries, and it's a beautiful thing. And and there's something about recognizing that I'm carrying something that the generations before have carried. And what does it look like to steward in my own family? Um, you know, whether your your family loves sports, your family is passionate about missions, your family is very um, you know, very focused on serving other people, and you you get involved in the little areas of service that no one sees. Those are things that as you bring your children along with you, are cultural things that then get passed on to the next generation because you're showing them what life looks like.

SPEAKER_02 7:37

And if I can just interject this one little point that again, culture is pushing back on this, saying that when you inherit something or something is given to you, that it has no value. Yeah. Um, and that we should just be independent and we have to earn it ourselves. And and I think that's just a bunch of bull honky. I agree. You know what I mean? I I actually believe that the kingdom is actually set up, like you said, for generational momentum. Yes. So the things that have been given to us actually grows to an exponential uh standpoint in the next generation. That's the way it should be. Yeah, and so and so don't ever apologize for that. Yeah, um, you know, and especially I I think about our son-in-law and their family. Yeah, um, sometimes it can be looked at, oh, you know, he's just riding riding the shoestrings, the bootstraps, the coattails.

SPEAKER_01 8:20

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 8:20

You're not usually asking the coattails, let's go coattails. Riding the coattails of the generation. No, that's not what it is. It's actually he's actually been given a platform, yeah, and and their ceiling becomes his floor, yeah. And that's how it's supposed to be. Yeah, and so don't ever apologize for those things that have been given to us. Yeah. Um, you know, we have another son-in-law who's one of the most gifted musical people I've ever met. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's it's almost a certainty that his son Milo is going to value that. Now he doesn't have to be as good as his dad, or you know, musically, it doesn't matter. I'm not putting that on him. I'm just saying, yeah, chances are he's gonna value it because of what his dad values. Yeah. And uh, and those are just things that he never has to apologize for. He's probably been given a little bit of a of a step up because of the culture that's already there for him. Yeah, so that's just a little aside.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

And I think that, you know, in the tangible physical things that we see, this is true, but it's also true in the spiritual. And I know that for my mom and I, you can look at the things that the Lord has showed us over the years, and there's things that the Lord has shown her decades ago that the Lord's revealing to me. And when I talk to her, she's like, Yes. And then the Lord said this and this. And there's, and it's because that's just the way the Lord works, that his revelation is also generational. There's a weight of that on there. And I also remember a time talking with my son. Um, and we were, I just we were just standing in the kitchen in a quiet moment, which is hard to come by in a busy household. And he was just sharing what the Lord had been talking to him about that month. And he shared a word with me, and I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. And I went and grabbed my journal and I had it the same word written out like in two-inch tall letters. I'm like, this is this is just the word of the Lord for the the time for our family. And and so there's an overlapping of in the in the tangible physical realm, but there also is in the spiritual realm and not seeing ourselves isolated, but just acknowledging that these are things that have been from the past that we're carrying forward and sharing those with our kids.

SPEAKER_02 10:28

I'll I'll just tell a real brief, I'll make this very short. Um, but you know, my parents, you know, came out of denom denominationalism and and you know, steeped religion, yeah. Um, and and and just really found the refreshment in the presence of the Lord, yeah. Um, and found his face, yeah. And and paid a price for that, you know, a price for me and for generations that came after me. Yeah, and uh and and my dad especially has such value for not just singing about Jesus, he he only he only sings to Jesus. Yeah, and if you're listening, dad, hi dad. Um, but but that's something that I inherited. Um and and now when worship music starts, like it takes me two milliseconds to enter into worship, not because I'm a super spiritual guy, yeah, it's because I I was given that as an inheritance. Yeah, and I'll never apologize for that. I it's those are just things. So you talk about you know what are you gifted in? Yeah, my parents are gifted in the authentic worship of the Lord. Yeah, gifted, yeah, and I I saw it and I learned it, yeah, and my children now receive that as a gift from me, and that's that's the generational momentum, that's how it should be.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

Yeah, and I think my last question kind of overlaps with some of our conversation already. Like, what is God currently training or teaching you about? And begin to share those things with your kids under the context of standing in the kitchen and having those conversations, like, hey, what's the Lord been talking to you about lately? What are the things that He's He's unearthing in you? Because as we have those conversations as a family, we're gonna begin to ferret out some of the themes of what the Lord's doing and saying, not just us as individuals, but us as the the tribe that's moving forward in the kingdom of God.

SPEAKER_02 12:09

Hot off the press stuff.

SPEAKER_01 12:11

Yes, hot off the press stuff.

SPEAKER_02 12:14

That's just amazing. Yes, yeah. Um, so what were your three questions?

SPEAKER_01 12:17

My three questions were what do you want to pass to the next generation? What areas have you been gifted in, and what is God training and teaching you in now?

SPEAKER_02 12:26

I think that's really creates a great framework for um uh connecting to the word culture. Yeah, and I believe that's what families create. As as families go, so goes the culture. That's absolutely true. Um, and so you know, I I said I I kind of keyed on the word ways. Um, you know, his ways are higher than our ways, and so he gives us culture. It's called his ways. Yeah. Um, and and there are there, I believe there are things in families that are that are shared. I know you've even taught about this before, um, about purposeful family culture. There are things that that, you know, as Christians and being part of his kingdom, that some things in families should look similar. Yeah. Uh compassion, generosity, kindness. I mean, some of those things that are are part of his nature should be part of our nature. Right. And so I would submit that most families should value that. Doesn't mean that we all succeed in that, but we should all value that and have that be part of our culture. Um, however, there is a lot that is different, right? And and and that's what I love. I love I love that about the kingdom. Yeah. So when Amy and I have traveled and we've done um, you know, family conferences and different things, we've brought in we've brought um blank family crests. Yeah. So think of it like a shield, like a blank white piece of paper, but shaped like a shield. And family crests used to kind of demonstrate the culture of the family, and they'd put pictures, diagrams, words, different things on there that the family valued or or would be distinguishing compared to other families. Right. And so we've had families just do that with crayons and markers and different things, and just draw the things that on their family crest of what they have. I think some of ours that we put on there were games and sports, music, um, interesting, interestingly, like Covenant and Holy Spirit talking about my family and different things and um some of the heritage that both of us grew up with. Um, and so those are some things that we did as pictures on our family crest. But the crazy part of the exercise was that everyone was so different. No, there were amazing. There were no two the same, and and everybody had these different cultural pieces, and that's the way the father created it to be. That's the beauty of the kingdom. Yeah, and uh, I love that. I do too. I love that part.

SPEAKER_01 14:28

I do too. And I think actually it's a critical piece when you're talking about um what let me use his words, carving out or defining your family identity. Yeah, it's super important to know that it doesn't need to look like anyone else, and in fact, it's probably shouldn't look like anyone else. I feel like identity um in in current culture has gotten smooshed out by conformity. Yeah. And that's that's horrible. You know, it is great to have your kids in music lessons, unless the only reason you're doing it is because your neighbors are, and you feel like in, you know, when we're doing it out of guilt or or like I should, you know, those are the things that need to be laid down. We want to spend our time doing the strategic things that the Lord has given us to do as a family.

SPEAKER_02 15:13

Yeah, I put on my nose, families become stuck when they try to look like other families. Yes. It's just it's just the reality, and we've seen it before. Yeah. And and I I I feel like Aim, like you we hear comments like, you know, time goes by so fast, yeah, and these kids grow up so fast, and then there's some truth to that. And I and I get that, but I there's something in my spirit that I never really likes that because it's like, well, um, but I I feel like it doesn't have to be that way when we're connected um to the the calling of your family. Yeah, I believe when you kind of get seated into that place, like this is what we're here for. Yeah, that I think time slows down a little bit and you can kind of just enjoy the moment you see it. Yeah, um, and there's been those moments in parenting where you're kind of like, okay, you know, watching your kids operate in their calling and what they're doing. Yeah, and time sort of stands still and it doesn't seem to go by fast. Yeah. Um, you know, they you know, time time goes by. That's true. Um, but I I love I love that finding that place that belongs to you. And I think time does go by fast when we're just busy trying to keep up with other families, doing what they're doing, just trying to get through the week. Yeah, you know, so busy um trying to do all of all the stuff. Yeah, and and we actually miss the things that that's that sweet spot that belongs to families.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

Yeah, and I I mean here we are just a couple weeks into the new year, and I think what a great, great opportunity to write down the things that you've been doing, how your family does spend its time, and then lay it before the Lord. And as a husband and a wife, just pray over it, pray over that list and and ask him to to adjust or pare down, and really just let him help you with how you spend your time, because like it or not, how we spend our time defines our culture, it defines our identity.

SPEAKER_02 17:01

And the world culture tells us, you know, that the the biggest voices, the loudest influence, preaching to myself here now. Yeah, but you know, those are the things that matter. Yeah, but we know that when we get to heaven, there's gonna be some little old grandma that prayed every night, and you know, she's she's the one sitting at the table, you know, because of what she contended for. Yeah. Um, so I mean, don't let the world's culture define how important your family, what their your family is doing. Yeah, and and again, we feel like you know, sometimes I get stuck in the rut that I have to change the whole world. Yeah, um, I no, I just need to do what he's called us to do, and then just be very content with that. And uh, and that's yeah, you know, I I believe that's a beautiful that that's why this question is so beautiful, is because this person wants to define the word define your family identity. Isn't that great? Yeah, I mean that's that's what we all should do is Lord, what do you have me here on the earth to do today? Tomorrow might be different, but today, what is that thing? And when we find that, oh, that's a great thing.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

That is a beautiful thing. Yeah. Do you want to pray us out?

SPEAKER_02 18:00

I do, I do. So, Father, um, we we love family and we love um the the impact that you have placed on family to actually set the culture here on this earth. Um, it was your plan. You use family as a scaffolding that you would build your kingdom upon here on this earth. And so, Lord, when we when we seek healthy family, when there's a question like this where we're talking about why is my family here, Lord, you you delight in that. And I can I just can feel your enthusiasm behind a question like this because it's the center of your heartbeat. And so every family listening, every family represented uh on this podcast, Lord, I just I just pray um the the revelation of your goodness and your love and your purpose for each and every family and how different it looks, and that each family can be um can be assured that what they've been given has come from heaven and it has great kingdom impact. Yeah. So Father, I just I just pray that enthusiasm, that anointing, that momentum over each family listening to this podcast today. Yes. And I pray this in Jesus' name.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Amen.

SPEAKER_02 19:10

Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

If you would like to submit a question for Johnny and Amy to answer on a future episode, head over to the FAMology page on our website at gofam.org or simply click the link in the caption below. And if you're enjoying the show, be sure to leave a review or a comment wherever you listen or watch. It really helps us out. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week.