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Famology
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Famology
When Parents Don’t Agree: Navigating Parenting Differences as a Couple
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Every marriage faces parenting disagreements. In this episode, we talk about how couples can navigate different parenting styles, when it’s important to address concerns, and when it’s healthier to trust your spouse and let them lead in their own way.
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Welcome to Famology. We are Johnny and Amy Clausen, and we have been happily married for 30 years when we have eight beautiful children and six beautiful grandchildren. And we are the founders of GoFam Ministries, and we travel teaching about what the kingdom of heaven looks like when it invades our marriages, when it invades our parenting, and when it invades our families.
SPEAKER_01People always say when you have grandchildren, like if they knew they were so great, I would have had them first. You know that little thing. Yeah. I mean, that's not really true. No, it's not. Because there is an order of things, of course, and we love our children very much. Um, I was gonna say however. I'm not really saying however, but grandparenting is really wonderful. It really is, it really is. They are they are so scrumptious, yeah.
SPEAKER_06And uh yeah, I think I think for me part of it, what makes it extra rich is that you get to enjoy your children enjoying their children. Yes, and uh it there it just compounds it.
SPEAKER_01No, they're really cute. Our children are really cute, yeah, parenting our grandchildren, yeah, and uh yeah, so that's really fun too. And we had eight kids, so um, let's go, babe. I know for the grandchildren. Yeah, I I like our chances. Yes, so yes, anyways, very fun. So here's our question of the week. It's a good one. How should couples handle disagreements about parenting within their marriage? And are all differences worth discussing, or are there times when it's better to let your spouse parent in their own way? Yeah. So great crafted question, and we'll do our best to answer it. Yeah. Do you want to start?
SPEAKER_06Well, I think it's interesting. Um, I'm just I'm gonna jump in kind of in the middle, but how they said, do you think it's best to let your spouse parent in their own way? I think once parenting is underway, it's best to let your spouse parent. I don't think it's I don't think it would be wise to once your spouse is in the midst of parenting, to jump in and correct your spouse while he's correcting or she is correcting your child.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06That's just off the cuff, just overarching. So once parenting is actively engaged, then we need to let our spouse finish parenting. And then if we have discussions or things that we want to talk about, yeah, I agree with that mostly.
SPEAKER_01I think I think there can be sort of like, wait a minute, time out.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And we go in another room and discuss if we think we're heading in the wrong direction. I mean, I yeah, so so you know, we always have to try to dissect these questions a little bit. And and one is their own way. So if if we're talking about parenting styles, right, like do I let you parent in your style, I parent in my style, well then yes. This is gonna be No, I think styles, we we parents differently stylistically. Okay, you know what I mean? Now, if we're parenting different directions, like you think they should go this way and I think we should go that way, if that's what they mean by their own way, yeah, like we're going in different directions, then no, I don't think that's but but you differ you parent different than I do.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, that's for sure.
SPEAKER_01I mean, generally speaking, so we're talking about stylistic, right? Then then if that's what they're talking about, let them parent in their own way, right? Well then yeah, I think there's a lot of leeway for that, but I think we should be heading in the same direction.
SPEAKER_06So I'm gonna go br and like back up the conversation because I think I started it in the middle. Yes. I think I kind of I jumped into the middle just with the reacting to the end of the question.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_06But I so overarching when um you become parents, there are things, there are family culture things that you're gonna want to discuss as a couple, um, even when your baby is a little tiny infant. And that me may seem silly to you, but the better game plan that you can have for the direction you want your family to head that influences your parenting 100%.
SPEAKER_03For sure.
SPEAKER_06We we don't uh parents who just parent off the cuff and reactionary are going to find themselves places they never wanted to be. Parents that plan and talk and actually decide the culture of the home that they want to raise their children and family in ahead of time will be far more successful in reaching their goal.
SPEAKER_01Well, without a doubt. And so we're you know, we're one flesh, and so we don't have time to get into that, maybe some other question for another day. Um, but that that makes us unified and we should operate in unity towards our children. That's just best for them. Yeah, and so the initial question is how should couples handle disagreements? Well, the answer is handle it. I mean, until it's not a disagreement. That's the way I feel. Yeah. Um, you know, unified, consistent. Um, first having the conversation with each other. I think that's I think that's critical. Yeah. And so going back to your original statement, I think if you feel like I'm heading in in a different direction than you're comfortable with, yeah, then I think we just say, wait a minute, mom and I are gonna talk for a second. Yeah. And we're gonna we have a few things we have to discuss before we come back to you again. Yeah. But I think that's really important because kids will um will if they're if they're looking for their own way, then they're gonna try to divide us a little bit and maybe try to to you know go to the easiest, the softest touch or whatever that might happen to be. Yeah. Um, but we if we're if we're pre-decided how we're gonna handle some of those things, then I think that's really, really important.
SPEAKER_06And I feel like younger kids, it's almost easier to pre-decide, you know, what are we gonna do when our child disobeys? That's gonna be something. If you're parenting a three-year-old, you're going to face the opportunity to parent disobedience like 15 times a day. It's not shocking, it's not surprising. Don't think your child is the one exception to the rule and they're more disobedient than other kids. That two and three-year-olds are just trying to figure out what their boundaries are. And so they're going to disobey frequently. So having a unified response that you've predetermined what we do when our child disobeys, I think is very important. Um, and then, you know, what do we do? What are the what are the outliers? Is it just obedience? For us, it's like if they they harmed someone else intentionally or themselves, or if they disobeyed, we had just set consequences that we didn't have to discuss or decide upon.
SPEAKER_03No.
SPEAKER_06I feel like the older kids get, the more times you will run into things that you've not pre-thought through. And um, and I think that it's okay as moms and dads, unless somebody is in physical harm's way because of what's happening. It's okay to, you know, maybe everybody, it's okay to like, hey, I need you to go to your room. I I need to talk to your dad or I need to talk to your mom and and discuss it. Because I found that my worst parenting moments was when I didn't take that pause to include you on a little, you know, on a little bit bigger parenting decision. And I was like, Oh, I've got this one.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_06And then I've regretted because, you know, I was like, man, I I should have pulled on your wisdom a little bit.
SPEAKER_01Sadie just asked me last night whether she could do the next level of volleyball. And she said, Well, mom said, you know, mom said it's kind of good to go. Like, what do you think? And I'm like, Well, I haven't talked to mom about it yet. That was my response. So I was like, Well, she might have said that, but she hadn't talked to me about that yet. Yeah. So I didn't even answer. I just said, I don't know. Well, we'll we'll talk about it when we get home. But but it's one of those kind of things where you're you're fractioned a little bit, and I could easily have said, Well, if mom said, then sure. Yeah. Um, not that she was trying to manipulate me at all, but it was just that we hadn't talked about it yet. Right. And so I have no answer until mom and I talk about it. Yeah. And so it's not yes or no. It's just we just cause. And I want to make it, I think this is very important. Um, and I think you'll agree with this, that you know, when we talk about a unified decision, it doesn't mean a perfect decision. Right. No, it doesn't. Sometimes we make the wrong decision as parents, or you know, it's didn't go as as planned, and we're kind of like, ugh. Um, but as long as it's unified, you know, I we we teach this in our class too, that there's a little bit of romance in that where it's like, okay, we're gonna we're gonna fly this plane together or we're gonna crash together. And sometimes that's okay. Yeah, um, and so I so when we talk about you know a unified decision, like I I wrote down, you know, if disagreement means you haven't found the right answer yet. When I say right answer, I don't always mean perfect answer, yeah, or the the most excellent answer, but but when we're unified or when we're in disagreement, it just shows that we haven't found what we're both comfortable with yet. And so that that is gonna require a little bit of time. And so I want to answer this question outright that when there's a disagreement, um, you know, are there are all differences worth discussing? Right. I think so. Yeah, I think yes. Yeah, I mean they're all worth discussing because if there's a disagreement, then there's something that you and I aren't seeing the same way on. Yeah. Um, and so it can be a big thing, even a little thing. Yeah, you know, like how much money do we spend each month on groceries? Well, if we're disagreeing on it, then we haven't found that perfect spot where we're both comfortable yet.
SPEAKER_06So one of the things that I have found in our years of 29 years of parenting, which is really funny. Yeah, yeah, um, is that sometimes my husband's perspective on a as a father is different than my perspective as a mom. And there are certain parenting situations where I have to maybe take the backseat as a mom because a father's voice is what's needed in this moment. Especially, you know, I I was gonna say especially with our sons, but it's not especially with our sons, it's with both of them. Um, but I I can relate to being a teenage girl and you can relate to being a teenage boy in ways, and so it leads us to maybe understand what some of the background stuff that's going on a little bit more in the psyche of our kids uh for the ones that match our gender. And I remember one time you looking at me and you saying, you know what, honey, I I know that this isn't necessarily how you see it, but I need you to trust me on this. That this is this is just something I'm seeing, and and and I was like, okay, and I could yield to that. So it's there are those times where I think that we can we can choose to surrender understanding and to and leaning into trust for our spouse that they're seeing something that we're not.
SPEAKER_01Well, yielding to the other person isn't taking a back seat. You know, I just I just wanted to just be clear about that. Absolutely not. So it's it's just seeing that you maybe have a different perspective and I and I yield to that. And I and I think I think but that's still making a unified decision.
SPEAKER_06Yes, like I just honor, you know, like you think about like the pointer dogs when when people are going out hunting and they've got the little dog that all of a sudden they do this, and all the hunters turn to where that dog is pointing because they that's called honoring the point. And so I think sometimes in parenting, it's important to also honor the point when somebody is seeing something that maybe we're not necessarily seeing ourselves that we can honor that.
SPEAKER_01Well, I mean, you say I have a perspective on teenage boys. I mean, for me, that was just a few years ago. Yeah, I know. I mean, it's so it's not even that far away, as far as my memory when you married somebody so so young. That's true, honey.
SPEAKER_05What a good point.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So um, so I think I think once the decision is made, it is a both decision. Yeah, you know, and I and I and I like that. I yeah, it's an us two thing.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, it is.
SPEAKER_01Our little Sadie used to say that we had a motorhome, and every time I moved the motorhome back to our garage, yeah, she would ride with me and she'd ride on my lap. And so she'd say, Dad, I have to go with you because it's an us two thing.
SPEAKER_05It's so cute, it's so cute.
SPEAKER_01Also, just a few years ago.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, just a few.
SPEAKER_01She's like this little woman now. How does that happen?
SPEAKER_05Just give us a pause.
SPEAKER_01I know, I know, but but you you you have to be willing to go down with the ship once the decision is made. And I think that's where you know marriages get into some problems a little bit where it's like, okay, yeah, I'll yield to your decision. Yeah, like this is your thing, and we'll see how it goes. And then when it doesn't go that great, see, you should have listened to me because that was but that's not really how marriage works, or it's not how it's supposed to work. And so we we have to be comfortable. And if you're not comfortable, and we teach on this too, if it's not two yeses, then it's a no. Yeah, and that's a really hard place to be because if we're not unified, we're not comfortable with where we're at, then we just wait. Yeah, and waiting is okay, and we don't do that very well in our culture, do we?
SPEAKER_06Some things in parenting can't wait for it.
SPEAKER_01Some things can, but most things can like 95%, I think, can can actually just wait until we have peace about it.
SPEAKER_06But when you say, you know, you go down with the ship, and parenting that involves a child, yeah, you know, and sometimes, sometimes moms and dads, we screw it up, yeah. Like shocker. I I you know, the amounts of times that I've apologized to my children, especially our oldest, especially our oldest, you know, um, it's astronomical. And so there is something super duper important about our children realizing that their parents are humans. And when we can demonstrate for to them that we don't always get it right, and when we don't, we can come with humility before them and say, you know what? I made the wrong decision there. I was wrong. Would you please forgive me? I'm sorry if that my actions hurt you. And we can come before them because going down with the ship with decisions that don't involve our children, and it just really affects us, is one thing. But when it's parenting, there's always a kiddo involved.
SPEAKER_01And I think it's, you know, for the sake of this podcast, I think there are these crucial um cultural realities that we live in that are pretty consistent. And so if our child is being rude to somebody, you don't have to call me and decide whether that's something that you feel like you need to parent. Right. I mean, you just know that that's our culture and you know what I'm going to say. And so there are things where we know what the other person is going to say. You know what I mean? And I, you know, I just shared this the other day that one of one of our sons was talking to Amy, and and I I could hear it from the other room, but they, you know, Amy, Amy said to them, Um, maybe we should ask dad. And they're like, I already know what he's gonna say.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I kind of loved that because that makes me consistent and predictable. And they knew that I was going to take the side of whatever it was, hard work or you know, your word. If you said you're gonna do it, then you need to do it. Right. You know, I mean, they know that that's tends to be our culture. Um, and so I loved that because they I'm not even sure you ever did come talk to me because they already knew what I was gonna say. We could insert comment here, but but you know, they knew it, you knew it, and I knew it. All of us kind of knew because that was the culture that we are had already created. Yeah, and so most things can be decided that way. Yeah, um, but we get it, and and sometimes we we parent so differently or we see the world so differently that that these parenting issues become really difficult. Yeah, and so I get that. I think you and I see mostly eye to eye on most things, yeah. You know what I mean? Very rarely are we like, no, I just I just I think you're just wrong on that. I think we just see it. Yeah, it doesn't happen very often. But there are marriages because of the way you were raised, that I think are very different than that, right? And there's a a lot of headbutting where um, but I would challenge you to really work on that. I think I think that's an important piece rather than just say fine, have it your way. Yeah, um, that's not that's not unified parenting, and the kids can sense that, and they're gonna they're gonna know who to go to to get what they desire, um, but which might not be best for them. Yeah, and so um I I I would I would submit to whoever wrote this question, like this is gonna be something you're gonna have to lean into, yeah, because I think unity is critical. Yeah, really, really important.
SPEAKER_06This might sound kind of cliche, but I think also it's not necessarily your way or my way. As a as a family, we want to find out what is the Lord's way, what is a kingdom way to execute parenting, family, marriage on this earth. And as we are turning to him, it's not about me doing it the way I was raised or you doing it the way you were raised. It's about us coming together and say, Okay, Lord, we have these children. How do you want us to raise them? Yeah, and having him, his kingdom, his ways be what dangles in front of us, and taking away the well, I want to be right, no, you're right, I'm right, and that that competition that just is irrelevant. It doesn't matter. It's like whatever way is kingdom is the way we want to proceed in our home.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And I, you know, my parents are probably listening to this podcast. Hi, mom and dad. Hi, Yoges and Pops. Yep. Um, and so they we know when we teach a lot of this, they that they sometimes interject. But my dad will always say that they've learned to take the other person's position before the Lord. Yeah, and that's exactly what you're talking about. We want we want to invite him into the conversation because there's something missing here. Yes, we're not finding it. There's a there's a pathway that we haven't discovered. Yeah, and that's what my dad says is that usually when we do that, there's a third way they've never really contemplated. And so there's another way. The reason we're having disagreement, the reason we're not connecting, the reason we haven't found that perfect path is there's another path. Yeah, and and so when we invite him in, he actually reveals those things to us. And so I think it is important that we bring the other person's position before the Lord, like maybe I'm not seeing this clearly. Yes, it's a great way to go before the Lord. Like there's it's very possible. There's something when I when Amy and I talk about this, boy, we just cannot find peace about it. Yeah, um, and so you go before the Lord and say, There's something I'm not seeing here because um, and then he'll reveal it to you. That's what he does, and I and I love that. Yeah, because then we can come together and say, Okay, now I kind of the Lord's kind of revealed your heart in this. Yeah, um, and and there are just times, if we can be honest, where I've looked at you and just said, you know what? I you know, I I just I I see it, I feel it, I feel like I'm seeing it differently, but I trust you. Yeah, and like you feel so strongly about this that I'm I'm going to yield. I think that's a good word. I'm going to yield to you, and I'm going to come alongside with what you said, and I'm going to have peace about it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Because because this is what we're deciding to do.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And um, and so there are there are ways to see the wisdom in each other, and I think that's super healthy when we have that, you know. Because you do operate in a lot of wisdom.
SPEAKER_06I think so.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you do.
SPEAKER_06So and as we're talking about this, and you're thinking about holy Toledo, like how many conversations are we gonna need to have? The answer is a lot. A lot. Parenting is hard work, and there are no shortcuts to it. These are beautiful lives that have been entrusted to you, to your safekeeping and care to be raised in the kingdom of God. And you and your husband are commissioned to do it. There's nobody else that gets to parent your kids beside the two of you. And so, yes, it's gonna take a lot of energy. Will you have a lot of conversations? Yep, you really should, um, because it's worth it, it's worth every minute of energy that you pour out.
SPEAKER_01I think you know that's where date nights come in, or you actually have time to just talk with the two of you, bring these issues up, and you're like, I don't want to talk about heavy stuff on date night. Um, but it doesn't have to be heavy because I think there's a revelation that you're on the same team.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I and I and so often I think we see our spouses as enemies, yeah. Um, or they just want their way, or they think they're smarter than me, or or those things. But if we can just set the swords down, yeah, and we what we want is what's best for our children, period. Everybody, 100%. Yeah, that's what everybody wants. And so why not just take the time and just say, I just want to hear your heart in this? And it's kind of funny because when when you put it that way, like, are you confident that what you're saying is the best way? Sometimes that gets people to kind of go, okay, yeah, now it's on me. I got I I can't just this isn't just an argument, right? But like you're saying, like, are you are you willing to own this?
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01And then if and if she says, Yeah, I think it's just the right way, well, that means something to me because it's like, you know, that you it's valuable, and you're saying, Yeah, I have a lot of confidence that this is the way to go. Um, then we should listen to that. Yeah. And so on the same team, we should be unified, we need to be consistent. It's it's that's what's best for our children. I'm just summarizing. Yeah, you know, that's what's best for our children, and and the answer is is it worth discussing almost every time? Worth discussing unless you're so confident in what the other person's position already is, yeah, then it's absolutely worth discussing a lot. Yeah, and so that's what parenting is. It's a lot of lot of talking and discussing, and then and then we have a unified front to our children, and I think they find a lot of security on that.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, for sure. Yep.
SPEAKER_01Do you want to pray for people?
SPEAKER_05Yes, I do.
SPEAKER_01Go for it.
SPEAKER_06So, Lord Jesus, I just lift up every family, every mom and dad, and all the children in the homes represented. I just thank you that you are wise and that your ways surpass our ways every single time. Every time. And we just are so thankful that as your kids and your kingdom, we get to tap into that wisdom.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And so, Lord, I just ask for your wisdom to descend over every mom and dad right now. That it would rest heavy on them, that they would walk and move and think and make decisions from that place of your wisdom. Yeah. We want our families to be trained up in the ways of the kingdom of God. That's what we want more than any other thing. And so I just release that blessing of kingdom ways, kingdom wisdom flourishing in every home.
SPEAKER_00Amen. Amen. If you would like to submit a question for Johnny and Amy to answer on a future episode, head over to the FAMology page on our website at gofam.org or simply click the link in the caption below. And if you're enjoying the show, be sure to leave a review or a comment wherever you listen or watch. It really helps us out. Thanks for tuning in, and I'll see you next week.