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Famology
Providing practical, insightful, and Biblical answers to your questions about family, marriage, and parenting.
Famology
Finding Your Identity in God in the Midst of Parenting
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A conversation about finding your identity IN God in the thick of parenthood. Knowing who you are as a love son or daughter of God is the first step in any successful role on this earth!
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Hi everybody, welcome to FAMology. We're John and Amy Clausen, and we are leaders of GoFam Ministries. And we are here on FAMology to answer your questions about marriage, parenting, family. Just so you know, if we've never listened before, Johnny and I uh prepare these questions separately. Yeah. And do not just discuss it at all beforehand. Um so this is our real discussion about the question and and uh today's question.
SPEAKER_01So you just never know what you're gonna get.
SPEAKER_02You don't. Sometimes we agree. Most of the time we agree.
SPEAKER_01We do mostly agree.
SPEAKER_02So that's sometimes we read the questions completely different. That's true. And it's like, no, that's not what I read. That's not how I interpreted it. No.
SPEAKER_01But we usually uh yeah, we usually do okay.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01We've done a lot of life together.
SPEAKER_02I know, but one time we were doing it, and Johnny looked at me after I gave my answer and he's like, interesting.
SPEAKER_01Well, I didn't really know where she was heading with all of this. And so then she kind of she kind of paused and turned to me as I was supposed to say something, and I I didn't know what to say. That's so interesting, was what came up. So, you know, that might be one of these as well. But I don't know. We'll see.
SPEAKER_02I don't know. All right, well, I'm gonna read the question for you. It says, What advice would you give to a parent struggling with identity? And I kind of feel like before we can even answer this question, we kind of have to do a definition of terms.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_02Um, in our ministry, every single aspect of family that we teach about, it really the root, the bottom, the foundation that we weave into every single thing is identity. Yeah. And so this person is obviously somebody who's probably come to some of our classes. Probably, yeah, because we emphasize this. Because we do emphasize this. And so I just thought that right now would be a great time to kind of give a definition of terms. And so identity as a Christian means that we get 100% of who we are is found in the Father and in His love. That's like the bedrock of our lives, and it's that bedrock that every single thing flows out of. And and when we're struggling in areas, um, relational areas, oftentimes it's because maybe that foundational level of identity has been shaken a little bit, or maybe you question whether you are truly loved by God. And if you've grown up in the church like me, you grew up singing, Jesus loves me, this I know. And that was very easy for me. I had no struggle in my own life knowing that Jesus loved me. That was not my issue. But I spent 38 years of my life thinking that Jesus died on the cross to protect me from a God that was angry at me and then maybe a little dissatisfied. And if you're watching on YouTube with your arms crossed, kind of kind of like, Amy, come on, you can do better than that. Like that I was constantly a disappointment to God, that Jesus was okay with me, but God was disappointed until until I had I had a moment of reckoning with the Father where I realized that he loved me, like deeply loved me no matter what. And it changed my whole life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And so kind of our Well, I think I think it's the no matter what.
SPEAKER_01I think I think that's the key. Because we can also fall into the really easily fall into this performance piece because we see God as somebody that we need to perform for. Yeah. And so the better we perform, the more he will love us. So it's a proportional proportional amount of love based on how much uh output I'm doing for his kingdom. And it's really easy to fall into that trap uh being somebody who does that as well. And of course, the enemy loves to agree with us because he loves to attack us on the realm of our identity. Um, so we can, and so it's not bad to run hard for the Lord, it's not bad to give your life in service for him. It's not bad to accomplish a lot for his kingdom and to make sacrifice. All of those things are important, but it's not our identity.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and it's not how we receive love. He doesn't love us more or less, dependent on that.
SPEAKER_01And then that's and that's key. And for Amy and I, it's been the key to breakthrough, not only in our own personal lives, but in our relational lives. And so that's why we teach it in marriage courses and in parenting courses and in family courses. Yes, because we believe that when our identity gets off and we begin to look to other people to try to meet a need that only a father can fill, which is our worth and our identity, yeah. Only can come from a father. When we look to other people to try to meet that need, whoo boy, yeah, things fall apart very quickly. Yes. Um, and and so that's why it's so critical for us to understand who we are. Yes. Not based on what we do, yes, but who we are.
SPEAKER_02Okay, so that with that definition of terms, I feel like then we can go ahead. So, this what advice would you give to a parent struggling with identity? And here, so I spent I spent 38 years of my life really struggling with this, where I I constantly felt like I was a disappointment that I would never measure up, that I was a failure. And and it wasn't because of outside things, it was all internal to me. And so I know for a fact that as someone who has struggled with their identity, that sometimes we add to that struggle shame and guilt because we want to be modeling a good example for our children, and yet here we are again falling short. You know, I the words here we are again, you know, just kind of heap things onto a person who is struggling with their identity. And so my first thing that I would like to say is that when you are a mom and a dad, a husband and a wife, you can't seek uh this relationship with the Lord for your children or for your marriage. It's just it has to start just here in this really simple place of me as a girl and my father, and not make it about anything bigger. No. Because when we make it about something bigger, all of a sudden our focus shifts and our focus is in the wrong spot. Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_01Well, and that's that's my first response to this question is what what advice would you give to a parent that struggles with identity? And my first response is just take out the word parent. Yes. It's it's it's not that it's meaningless, it doesn't mean that parenting isn't great. Yeah, it's just that it's just that it could be anybody. Yes. You could put any word in there. Yes. You can put lawyer, you can put child, you can put, you know, uh construction worker. It doesn't matter who you who you think you are. Yeah, um, the issue is you have to find your identity.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01That's the answer.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So yeah, I agree with you. I think it's it's it's it's taking away all those other things, and you need to focus on identity. Yeah. Um, because that's really what changes things.
SPEAKER_02And here's my here's my thing, guys. So um sometimes people feel like finding our identity in the Father has to come in some dramatic moment where you've had a uh an encounter with the Lord, and yes, that can happen. That is completely a legitimate way. But I would also like to say that identity is all about belief. Yeah. And so when we uh when we are believing that we have to perform for the Father to love us more, or that we are unacceptable because of something in our background or something that we feel shame or condemnation about, that the the truth of that is is that is a lie. That belief about yourself is a lie. And the only thing that fixes lies is truth. And so if you're struggling with identity, I want to speak this into your heart that what you're believing is a lie, and the solution to lies is truth. And so it's beginning to take every thought captive, the ones that are straying into the lie realm about who you are, and saying, ha-u-uh, that is not how I'm gonna think about myself anymore, because it's not true. It actually says in Romans 8 here, it says that he for you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received past tense, the spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, Abba Father. The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God. This is truth about you, whether you feel like it's truth or not.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so the identity piece is knowing that you are a son or daughter of the Most High God. And it and it's putting it in your knower. I mean, you have to understand it, you have to you have to realize that it's true about you because the enemy keeps his his only target is your identity. We teach this all the time. He's a one-trick pony. This is all he has, and so he he he's not all powerful, he's not the equal opposite of God, he doesn't have all these great tools to try to deceive you. All he's trying to do is separate you from what you what what you need to believe about yourself, yeah uh about the truth of who you are. That's what Amy just said. And so he comes at you um constantly, and so so I think the truth that Amy was talking about, but I also think there's a stewardship piece to identity because the enemy keeps coming after us on our level of identity. We're uniquely disqualified, he'll tell us. Everybody, everybody else has got it put together and they understand their identity except for you. Yeah, and because of all the mistakes that you continually make, you are uniquely disqualified from being a son or a daughter. Um, and so too bad for you. Yeah, and so and then and then we agree with him, and then he agrees with us, and then we agree with him, and and pretty soon we're we're back in that place where where our identity is lost and we're looking for other people to try to meet those needs.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we have to decide who we're going to agree with, right? Right? Are you going to be a man or woman of God that agrees with the truth of scripture, or are you gonna agree with the lies of the enemy? And there is great power in our agreements, and and when we decide that we're gonna be people that stand on the truth, we have to get stompy about it. And I would say that that's the one thing when the blinders came off my eyes and I began to see the deception that I had lived under, this this veil of uh unworthiness that the enemy had me agreeing with, and I'd find all these other circumstances that are like that. See, that just proves that I am the unworthy one. I had a good uh historical account of my life that proved that to me. I had to become good at when I would come across a lie, begin to say out of my mouth the opposite truth, and I had to get stompy about it. I could not tolerate it anymore. 38 years is a long time to live in lies that I'm unworthy. Right. And I'm not doing it anymore. I'm 52 years old and I'm not going back to the previous way of life.
SPEAKER_01And I think it's significant, and not to get too into the weeds, but you know, what Amy just read from Romans, um, it says that you know the spirit of adoption, that we receive the spirit of adoption. We we think of adoption as, you know, we we don't have a family and now we do. Yeah. Um when you actually when you actually study the word adoption in that passage, it actually means to take your rightful place as a son and daughter. So good. And it's super significant because the enemy again tries to convince us that we need to earn it. And and when we understand that it was always ours in the first place, and that he has just deceived us and told us that we are no longer worthy to be sons and daughters, that that that's the difference, and that's what Amy's trying to talk about is there is a lie connected to loss of identity. Yeah, uh, that's always been true that we were sons and daughters, always, and so our key is just to take that place to understand our rightful place. That's the spirit of adoption, yeah, where we actually step back into what was rightfully ours in the first place. Yeah, and I think that's critical to understand. I I feel like this is a you know, for for GoFam Ministries, this is a softball question.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Now that now that I'm in politics, I understand softball questions, you know. Like, do you think we should have higher taxes? No, I don't. I don't think we should have higher taxes, they should be lower. You know, I mean, it's a softball question. That that's what it is for us. We feel so strongly about this question that that we feel like the answer to this question is just ignore everything else and concentrate on this. Yes. I mean, this is the first most important thing that you can do for yourself and for your children. So you're attaching the word parent to this, and you're saying, I want to be a better parent. That's that's the heart of this, and I love that. And so the answer to being a better parent is to understand your identity, is to learn to be a son or a daughter. The answer is in the question. I mean, this is how how you parent is by understanding our identity first. We model that for them. We understand that even when we screw up, we're still loved, and we don't wallow in shame, we don't live in that place of regret. Um, but we understand that his blood is taking care of all of it, and that Jesus came to usher us into a loving father, to climb up on his lap and to feel his affection towards us. That's what he paid for. Yes, and so we receive that. And so you want to be a better parent, that's the answer. Because we don't ever want to look to our children to try to meet a need that was never theirs to give us. So if we're looking for our identity through parenting, that's when things get really can I use the word ugly? That's when things get get messy. Out of whack. Out of whack, uh painful. Um, because a child is never supposed to try to meet your need for worth and identity. We don't want their performance to be a reflection on how we feel about our own identity. That's never that's never been theirs to carry. But we're all guilty of that. I mean, nobody's had done that perfectly, and we've all projected things onto our children that we shouldn't have based on this fact that there's something broken inside of us, and it and and the answer is identity. Yes, and so it's changed everything. That's why we feel so passionate about it. Is Amy and I have testimony of how this has changed our lives, yeah, changed our marriage, changed our parenting. Yeah, um, and so I love this question. What advice would you give? Don't move past identity, stay there and stay there until you know it, until you understand who you are, and then you can steward it so that when the enemy comes along and starts whispering those things, you're like, no, that's not who I am. That's countercultural to how he made me to be.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And if this is a new topic for you and one that maybe you haven't heard a whole lot about, number one, if you you we have live classes that we do and in the surrounding areas, you can just go to gofam.org. I'll try to get the website up to date. It's fallen a little behind with all the politicking that's been going on. Um, but I'll try to get that up to date so that you can see classes that are available because in anything that we teach, this will be talked on. And then Johnny has also written two books one, The Ultimate, Restoring the Culture of Marriage, and and then the other one's Restoring the Culture of Family, Restoring the Power of Family, Restoring the Power of Family. Um, and this will be in either one of those books. So that would be a great resource for you as well.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, for sure. And and and you know, if you haven't for a while, read the book of John, uh, because in that book, um, John, I believe, really concentrates on Jesus declaring the father. You read it in John chapter one that the the mission of Jesus was to declare the father. Why? Because he was about to usher us back into right relationship with the father through the veil, uh, with nothing separating us at all. Um, that's what he came. And so if if you read the book of John, pull out a highlighter if you're one of those people like my wife that highlights everything, um, and highlight all the times that Jesus deflects attention off of himself and onto the father. It's it's a great exercise because it draws you into the heart of the father and why he sent him. It was God that so loved the world that he sent his son. Yes, it was the love of the father that actually came to bring restoration to our hearts. Yeah, um, and so Jesus constantly was just deflecting attention and saying, This is just this is just my father. You want to know what the father is like? Look at me. Look at look at the eyes opened and the people getting raised from the dead, and this is all my father. He's like that. And so he came to do that in our lives. And so read the book of John, catch some of these resources. Um, Leif Hetland is somebody who has did you already say Leif? No. Um, somebody who's changed our lives through his teaching on the father's love. Jack Frost is another one who's a real pioneer in this idea of identity. Um, so the person asking this question, and if you're connecting with this and saying, I'm not so sure even what they're talking about, yeah. We can't cover this all in one podcast. Um, but those are resources that that you should lean into because it will change your life.
SPEAKER_02Guaranteed. Guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01Do you want to close this in first?
SPEAKER_02Yes. So, Father, we are thankful, thankful kids. We're thankful that you love us and that your love and your favor spill over into every area of our lives. And so, right now, we just release to everyone listening to this podcast, to their spouses, to their children, Father, that you would encounter them with your love, that they would just be apprehended by the truth of your unending love for them. That it would chase them down as they go about their days and as they rest their head on their pillows at night, that they would dream dreams and have encounters with you because you are so extraordinarily good. Yes. We thank you that you love us and that nothing can separate us from your love. We thank you in Jesus' name. Amen.
SPEAKER_00If you would like to submit a question for Johnny and Amy to answer on a future episode, head over to the FAMology page on our website at gofam.org or simply click the link in the caption below. And if you're enjoying the show, be sure to leave a review or a comment wherever you listen or watch. It really helps us out. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week.