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Famology
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Famology
Fighting Fair: Boundaries for Healthy Arguments in Marriage
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A conversation on setting clear, respectful boundaries during conflict with your spouse so disagreements don’t damage the relationship.
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Hello everyone, welcome to Familogy. Uh I'm Johnny, this is Amy. Uh and we love sharing this podcast with you. We have so much fun. Yeah, we do. Just sharing our hearts about the things that we care the most about, uh, which is his kingdom. Yeah. Uh, family, yes, love. We like love. Um, I sound a little bit like Donald Trump there. I like love. And uh all the things that matter in our day-to-day lives. Yeah. And so that's why we so value your questions, and we encourage you to submit questions to us. Uh, you can do that by going to our website, gofam.org, uh, and leaving questions for us when we do our live events, we gather questions. But that's our heart is that we want to not only just talk about theological things and do teaching from a pulpit, but we want to just share our hearts personally with you and the the things that affect our day, our day-to-day lives. Um, and uh, and this is gonna be one of those questions I think today.
SPEAKER_01That's fun.
SPEAKER_00You know what I mean? It's a little bit of a harder hitting question. Yeah, you know, especially for a married couple to share this question with each other.
SPEAKER_01So I can't wait to see what happens next.
SPEAKER_00Well, it'll be good because I love you.
SPEAKER_01I know, I love you too.
SPEAKER_00Um, but it's um it's a it's a hard question. So let's let's read it. Um I can find it. What parameters or boundaries should you place in an argument with your spouse to make sure it stays respectful towards each other? Um, well, this is hard because we never argue.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I have no experience.
SPEAKER_00So thank you for tuning in again for pharmacology this week, but uh if only that were true, right, baby. So I am pleased to report that we are like most other marriages uh where we actually do argue every once in a while. Yeah. Um we don't like it to be a cultural thing. Yes. And uh and usually by the time we're done, we probably wish it hadn't happened. Yeah. Um, but and that's probably true for you too. Um, so I I love this question because I think it's a it's a it's actually a beautifully crafted question because respect towards each other is really important. Yeah, um, even boundaries are important. You sometimes you don't think that way, sometimes in marriage. Um, I think marriage is funny in a way, because tell me. Well, because here you are sitting next to me. You're the most important person on the planet. There's billions of people on this planet, and you're it. Like you're you're the number you're the number one person. Yeah, you know what I mean? And yet, you are the one that I probably would handle the most recklessly if I'm not careful. Right. Um, because there's something about letting guards down, there's something about being comfortable, there's something about um just spending time together and you begin to annoy each other.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00Sometimes that happens.
SPEAKER_01I'm never annoying that.
SPEAKER_00No, you're never annoying, it's just this way that I annoy you sometimes. Oh so yeah, just to clarify. Um, but but these things do happen though, because you just spend life together and and you want to live life so that you're not getting hurt, um, that you understand that you know I want things put away, you understand that I, you know, we like to eat. I mean, there's just things in life, and so so we we put pressures on each other. Right. Uh you know, I'm just waxing philosophical here. Even though you're the most important person, you're easily the most easily wounded by me.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00Is that fair? Yeah. So that was really clunky, long ways of saying that I that you're the most important, and yet you're the easiest person for me to hurt. Okay. Doesn't make sense, does it? Yeah. But that's kind of the way it is. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I think it's because we let our guard down, we're comfortable with each other, whereas Joe Blo on the street, I tend to be polite to all the time.
SPEAKER_01Right. It's true. It's true. And I think that, you know, anybody who's been a parent very long, uh, toddlers, mothers get a different child than grandmas and even dads. Like we get that raw, true self where they just are relaxed and you, you know, you get everything as the mom. Yeah. And I think that that's the, you know, you can be relaxed a little bit in the relationship because there's security here. But somehow in the relaxed, you then you become more your raw self.
SPEAKER_00Raw self. And I believe that, you know, I I can be so easily offended because I feel like you should know. Right. Do you know what I mean? Like there's this thing like, really, like you don't know that I should be treated like this all the time. You know what I mean? And so there's that, that's there's that that that rawness like you're talking about, um, where we let our guard down. Yeah. And I that's why I like this question. I think it's a beautiful parameters or boundaries. Because I think they're yeah, I think we should have them. Yeah. And and and if we're not careful, um, you know, and if we're reckless or we are selfish, yeah, um, then it's very we we can really hurt each other.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And I put down that it was a great question too. I I feel like this is oh, so there are levels of arguments, and I feel like we do an okay job at like the everyday arguments, the medium-sized arguments, but then when it gets to those bigger ones, we're not great at it. Let's just be real. Like, you know what I mean? I feel like I feel like um some of these like one of the parameters that the Lord gave me, I feel like is one that I want to as you know, it infuse into our marriage or myself. It's because I don't think we have had parameters around our arguments for the most part. Or would you say we have?
SPEAKER_00No, yeah, no, I mean not as much as we should have. Yes. No, I think that's true. I think that's a good thing.
SPEAKER_01I think maybe stated obvious.
SPEAKER_00I think we do have some. Yeah. And again, by the way that both of us were raised, I think I think we have some built-in things that we don't to each other or treat each other, you know, harshly or physically, or any of those things. We've we've never done that.
SPEAKER_01Um the D word has never been mentioned ever once in our 30 plus years of marriage. Yeah, and I think I think that's a boundary. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because yeah, we're gonna we're gonna work through it. And and I think at the end of the day we always know that. Yeah, um, even though we don't always like each other every day. Right. You know what I mean? Um, but at the end of the day, we know that we're in covenant and we know that this is for the longest is forever, baby. It's forever, baby. Um, you know, and so but yeah, I think I think we could have could and still can do better. Yeah, some of those kind of things. I think that's that's really important.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So my one, this is what the Lord told me, and I and I think he's smart.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01This is what he said. Always put understanding the other person first instead of being understood.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And and I think that's really wise by God. You know, that's just that's just everything. If if there's a conflict and my first priority is to make sure I'm clearly understanding what you're saying, yeah. Instead of trying to get my point across or fight for my position, yeah, I think I think that maybe arguments wouldn't even go to that place of argument. Because if I really did that when I, you know, every single time, like trying to understand your heart, because my husband has a good heart. And and if I can figure it, it it doesn't always make logical sense to me though, you know, because I don't think like him. We do not think like each other at all. And so, and so if I slow down and and instead of trying to make you understand me, yeah, I want to understand you as my first priority.
SPEAKER_00That's good.
SPEAKER_01I think it would be a a de-escalator.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. You know, human nature, sorry, sometimes I wax wax poetic, but human nature is to try to avoid pain. And so when we feel like there's something coming up against us, um, we we can lash out like a corner dog. I mean, let's be honest, we do that because we don't we don't like it. We don't like to be accused of something, we don't like to be um, you know, to feel to feel like we've done something completely wrong. Um, and so when we feel that way, we tend to lash out, and the and the reason we lash out is to get the other person to back down. Yeah, that's the issue. So the heart of what you're saying is rather than have somebody back down, why don't we try to understand the other person? Yeah, and I think that's beautiful. So thank you for saying that. I think that's that's really good. I um, you know, also in marriage, sometimes you're forced to watch romantic comedies. Yeah, but I remember I I have a weird memory.
SPEAKER_01It is crazy, people. I can't even tell you. He could tell you sermons from 15 years ago, and I'm not exaggerating.
SPEAKER_00So there was a romantic comedy that I don't know if I was forced to watch or not, but it was it was a Christmas one, and it was uh it was something to do with one of the one of the people in the romance was had kind of a critical medical condition. I can't remember what it was. And so, you know, we didn't know if this was gonna last or if they were gonna she didn't really reveal what her problem was to this new love or whatever. Anyway, they were on a they were on a subway and there was an older couple there that was do you remember any of this? No, not a thing. It's like all new to me. It was an older couple that was there and and looked like they were still in love, and so she turned to them and asked them kind of what is what is their secret. Yeah, and and the woman said that we we have we have learned to bite our tongue, like we've learned over time to just not say those hurtful things, and that has been the key. Like like we haven't hurt each other because really at the end of the day, I would never want to hurt you. I mean, and if you asked me that at as God is my witness, I'd never ever ever want to hurt you, and yet I do, you know, sometimes with the words or the things that come out of our mouth, you know, and those kind of things. And so uh it's it's interesting because you read the Bible about these boundaries and parameters, how we're supposed to treat each other, yeah, and it's like you know, the fruit of the spirit is except for your wife. You know what I mean? Well, it doesn't say that, you know what I mean? And it says, you know, if if at all, you know, seek peace with everyone, yeah, except for your wife. You know, I mean, so we we put these little you know clauses at the end of it thinking that that's that everyone is other people, everyone is other people, and for some reason, like I get to treat her, you know, differently than I would treat anybody else. Well, I shouldn't treat her like everybody else, I should treat her like way better than everybody else. You do and so I mean most of the time I do. That's true, but we're talking about these things when we have disagreements or we have conflicts, that's what we're talking about, and how the how we handle those things. And so, yes, I think boundaries is clear, but I think one thing I'm just adding to the list is that we bite our tongue. I mean, yeah, there there are some things that do not need to be said, and and those are those times when we just choose not to say it. And I I think those are I I'm a big advocate of not leaving things unsaid. Yeah, at the same time when they're hurtful and you're and they're coming from a pa place of pain and I feel cornered, right? Those are those are when I would tend to want to lash out and and hurt you so that you back off. And I think those are those moments that that it doesn't accomplish anything, right? Nothing ever nobody ever wins in those situations. Um so it's not like I went, ooh, I got a good zinger, I really hurt her there, and because of that I feel really good about myself. Nobody ever leaves those arguments feeling that way, and yet we still do it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you know, yeah, it's true. So that was, I mean, I when I was praying through this, this was what this is what the Lord said to me. That was my one thing. Because I feel I feel like, and maybe it this is just for me personally. I felt like I felt like the Lord did some ministry in my own heart as I was just going through this question. Um, because sometimes I haven't I am an emotional person and I'm also a weird combination of extremely black and white. And so it which makes sometimes I I see things just either right or wrong, which when somebody has the has the audacity of not seeing it exactly like I do, it becomes a right or wrong issue when it's not always a right or wrong issue, even though my brain's wired that way. And so I just feel like the Lord's just just giving to me in this that Amy, there's there's a depth to understanding. That's nice and and taking time as a couple to to acknowledge that it's just fine that we don't see things the same way, that actually when we come to understand the other person's perspective, we're gonna have a greater depth and breadth of understanding than we would have had with our own limited viewpoint if we would just take the time to find it out. So I want to. I I want to I want to find out your brain in these areas of conflict.
SPEAKER_00Yes, you know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. And I, you know, and and there is there I think overall we've done better. I mean, it you know, when you look at the big picture of things, uh you know, I think I think we're and maybe it's we're just getting older, I don't know. But I I don't think it's that. I hope it's maturing. Yeah, he is, he's helping us. Nothing wrong with being more mature as you get older. Yeah, hopefully that's the case. Yeah but I but one thing the Lord's impressed on me is that you know we're on the same team. Yeah, and so it's one of those things where like we can argue about finances. Well, you don't want us to be in debt either. No, and so it's one of those things where it's like you know, it's it you you look at you know, finances are probably the number one thing couples argue about statistically. Yeah, um, and so what's going on here? Well, the point is is that you know, we're we're we're wanting something, we're wanting not to put have restrictions on it, we don't want you to resist it. We you know, there's different things, and and money's money sometimes is just stressful, yeah. And so we're just taking out the stress on each other. But at the end of the day, like we're on the same team. You don't want us to be in debt. I I don't want you to go without. I mean, so I mean there's kind of those things where it's like, okay, well, let's find out where that is. Yeah, and I think if we do have the mindset or the boundary that understands that we're really working towards the same thing, yeah, we want to raise our kids well, we want to make right decisions, we want to spend our money wisely. Yeah, those those are those are topics of conflict. Yeah. Um, uh serve the Lord with all of our heart and what that looks like. Yeah. Um, but we're heading in the same direction. Yeah, we are. You know what I mean? We're on the same team. Because we're married, honey. Well, I know, and we want the same thing. Yeah. And so at the end of the day, she would be the first person I would ask for advice on all of those things, ironically. And yet when you don't see it exactly like I see it, that's where the conflict happens. Um, and yet I wouldn't trust anybody else on the planet to help make some of those decisions. You know what I mean? Isn't that funny? Yeah. Yeah. I just think it's funny. It's a funny dynamic that happens in marriage. Yeah. Um, but I I think if we understand that we're really heading in the same direction always, um, then I think some of these conflicts will will fall to the side and or at least we'll be able to talk about it easier and more straightforward. You know?
SPEAKER_01That's good.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. What else you got?
SPEAKER_01That's what I've got.
SPEAKER_00That's all I got too.
SPEAKER_01That's what I've got. I think the moral of the story is is let's love well. And in those areas where you're where we're feeling like maybe there's a spot of conflict, that we place the blood of Jesus on it and the love of the Father. Yeah. And just ask for him to come into that place and bring clarity and peace. Yeah. Because he has good ideas. And I do to help.
SPEAKER_00I just feel like to say one more thing. So sometimes the way that we treat each other um can be a little bit generational. Yeah. Um, because you know, because we're trained oftentimes by observing our parents. Yeah. Um, and sometimes there's the good and the bad and the ugly associated with that. Um hopefully it's more it's more, hopefully it's more good than the bad and the ugly. Um, but not always. And so sometimes there's some generational things that can happen. Um, and so sometimes we need some ministry for that. And so I will just submit that to you as well. Um, that seek some ministry, especially when you feel like there's overt and um constantly recurring conflict. Yeah. Um, because marriage shouldn't be that way. Um, it's easy for me to say, but that should be the exception, not the rule. Yes. And so if you're living and you feel like there's constant consternation and conflict, then sometimes that's called a stronghold. Yeah. And there's some things that are there that either you've been taught or that you allowed or believed, or you allowed the enemy to kind of get a foothold in your life so that every single time it happens, there's this response where we we we leash out and hurt people, um, or our spouse specifically for this question. Yeah. Um, but you know, we want to break that. Yeah. And I believe those strongholds can be broken. Yeah. And sometimes that requires ministry, and we'll pray for that at the end here too. Um, that that can just be broken. Um, but because we don't want that. And so if it's been modeled for us, that puts you at a disadvantage because you see that's that's that's a process that our brain has been maybe trained in or have seen. Um, and and most of the time when it's happening as you're a kid watching it, you don't want that for yourself. And yet those are those cycles that often happen in families. And so I'm just I'm just speaking to that because I feel like you know, those are when you talk about boundaries, it's okay to say, Lord, I've I've seen this in my life, I saw that in my parents' life. Um, there's some generational things that are happening here, and I don't want that. Yeah, and and he can actually, he's the one that actually sets the boundaries in your life. Yeah. That says, I want you, I want you to live in that place of peace. Yeah, and I believe it can change. It can it can change in a in a hurry. Yeah, um, it can change by just breaking it. Yeah, um, and so maybe we should just pray for that.
SPEAKER_01I agree. I'm just gonna add to that it's it's okay to get help. Yeah, you know what? It's it's very, very much okay to get help. Reach out to your pastor, and if they aren't uh equipped with the time or the resources to help, they will know who to point you towards. But sometimes the the our we're our own worst enemy when we feel like we need to hide our areas of imperfection instead of pressing in for relief and freedom. Freedom is worth it. Yeah, freedom's worth it.
SPEAKER_00And as hard as it is to hear this, who's ever asking this question? Um, it's it's very easy to look at your spouse and say, I would like to put some boundaries around you by the way that you treat me. You really can only take care of yourself through the power of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit has to work in you. And so the question is, how do I put boundaries on me? Yeah, and and it now you can sit down maybe and have a reasonable discussion about how we treat each other. Uh, and and maybe a counselor would help a little bit with that um by setting some external boundaries that way, but mostly they're internal boundaries, and it needs to start with yourself. And I know there's even a passage in in First Peter, I believe, where you know it talks about you know men, even though they don't believe would be won by the conduct of their wives. It doesn't mean that she's preaching to them, it doesn't mean that she's you know putting parameters around him, she's just loving him and and operating in that place of boundary in her own life. Yeah, and that switches the atmosphere in the home. And so as as much as I would love this to be a mutual thing, it really starts here in our own hearts and and and letting the Holy Spirit evaluate some of those triggers in you. Uh let him deal with those, and then you know, I I would trust that the Holy Spirit would do the work in both of you then. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then the one last, you know, I don't think we can talk about this topic without addressing the fact that sometimes in marriages it this could progress into a place where you're not physically or emotionally safe. And so if that is a situation where this has come to a head and to an extreme, get help, get it get safe for you and your children as well.
SPEAKER_00Yes, we're all about restoration, but not everything is restorable in its current state. Yes, and so some things need to get healed first. So we would never advocate being in those situations where you or your children were unsafe. Yeah. Um, but we do believe he's a god of restoration, and he and he loves that. And so I believe that that can obviously be healed here as well. So you pray. Yeah, so Father, uh, we just do just feel just through revelation of what you're revealing in this podcast, Lord, um, that that we that we speak to maybe some generational strongholds even in marriages, or the way that we handle each other relationally. And Lord, we ask for your spirit. Um you it says that we actually take the sword, or sorry, we take the cross of Christ and we turn it into a sword and we cut the bonds of iniquity. The bonds of iniquity are are the things that are generationally hold us. And so the cross is for that, Jesus. And so we we ask for that right now. Um, just just by the power of the spirit, and just as as we're doing this podcast, I just pray that the the cross of Jesus would be turned to a sword and that we cut those bonds of iniquity. And if that's you, I just ask for you to agree with that. Just say amen to that and allow the Holy Spirit and the power of Jesus' blood to do that work so that we can see things clearly and that we can put safe boundaries around our marriages and our relationships so that we respond appropriately. So, Jesus, I'm I'm asking right now um because you paid for it. And so, and so we're super grateful for that. And we we don't want one drop of your blood to be shed in vain. And so we take it all, we take the fullness of what you did for us, and and part of that, a part of the the sacrifice on the cross was for our restoration. And so, Lord, I just thank you for these questions. Lord, I thank you for the heart of people that are wanting their marriages to be stronger, to be able to handle conflict better and more peacefully. And so, Lord, I just I just I just release your spirit of peace and your spirit of love and your spirit of understanding, uh, Lord Jesus, over every marriage listening to this podcast right now. And not that there wouldn't be conflict, but that we would understand and how to walk through conflict through the grace of your spirit. And we pray this in your holy name. Amen.