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Famology
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Famology
Staying Calm in the Chaos: How to Handle Parenting Overwhelm Without Losing Control
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Every parent has moments where the pressure builds and emotions feel like they’re about to spill over. So how do you take control on the inside before you react on the outside? In this episode, we talk about what’s really happening beneath those overwhelming moments and how to respond with intention instead of frustration.
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OUR DAUGHTERS SERMON
Hello, everyone, and welcome to FAMLogy. I'm Johnny. This is my beautiful wife, Amy, and we're coming to you every week answering your questions about family, marriage, and parenting. And it's our pleasure to entertain these really well thought-out questions.
SPEAKER_01And I wish I could say that it was warm out in Minnesota, but it's it's taking a while.
SPEAKER_02This spring has been sputtering.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, like that's a good word for it.
SPEAKER_02It's just sputtering. It's not like it's not there, it's just not really taking off. Yeah. But it will.
SPEAKER_01It will.
SPEAKER_02Things are starting to green a little bit. Yeah. So, but our studio is still a little cool.
SPEAKER_01That's that was what led me to think that I feel like I am chilled to the bone. Yes. And it's supposed to be warmer out here.
SPEAKER_02We're kind of uh still needing to bundle up here to do our little podcast.
SPEAKER_01And in the winter, we'd start the heat in the office earlier in the day to kind of warm it up. But I think we're both in the mindset that it's spring and we shouldn't have to do that anymore.
SPEAKER_02That's an error.
SPEAKER_01But between you and me, I'm freezing.
SPEAKER_02For real. For real. So we're gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay. Uh so let's jump into the question of this week. Um, it says in moments of extreme parenting overwhelm, how do I best take control inside so I don't snap outside? So that's a really great question. It is a really great question. But I have a grammatical question for you. What? I've never heard the word overwhelm with not being overwhelmed.
SPEAKER_03Oh, really?
SPEAKER_02Because even in the present tense, I'm asking my homeschool teacher, even in the present tense, I say I am overwhelmed. But I say it past tense. That doesn't make any sense, does it? Is overwhelm the right word?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_02Overwhelming overwhelm. So should I say I am overwhelm?
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_02Do we say it wrong?
SPEAKER_01No, it I just I don't know. I can't explain it.
SPEAKER_02I've never heard the word overwhelm without an ED at the end.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So there you go. I think it feels kind of cool. It sounds kind of cool, so I'm gonna read it again. In moments of extreme parenting overwhelm, how do I best take control inside so I don't snap outside? It's just kind of a cool sounding question.
SPEAKER_01I think it's really funny that we're pausing on that word.
SPEAKER_02Well, have you ever heard it? Just as overwhelm, like use overwhelm in a different sentence other than this.
SPEAKER_01Other than this one? Okay. Well, that's hard. Okay. Because I don't think it can exist. Um sometimes in the midst of extreme overwhelming.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, you don't get credit for that one. I don't know. You mean in moments of extreme parenting overwhelmed for example?
SPEAKER_01That's where I felt it before. I've lived in moments of extreme parenting overwhelmed.
SPEAKER_02Well, you can go to our website and leave your grammatical comments and say, is overwhelm a word. Yeah. And if my mother's listening, who is a grammatical expert, she is.
SPEAKER_01She's like a dictionary.
SPEAKER_02Yes, she can let us know next time we see it.
SPEAKER_01She can spell it and define it, and you just give her a word.
SPEAKER_02In modern technology, we probably could just look it up, but for the sake of this podcast, you can give us some feedback on whether you think overwhelm is a word.
SPEAKER_01Boy, it's gotten a lot of playtime.
SPEAKER_02So my first comment is that parenting is never convenient. No, and oftentimes there is there is overwhelm.
SPEAKER_01Yes, there is.
SPEAKER_02Sorry. I just I'm gonna use that all the time now. Oh no, have mercy. Sometimes it overwhelms me. Yeah, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but oftentimes you look and live in a state of overwhelm. That's true. Yes, and so you use it in a sentence. That was great. And I think that's true in parenting.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, like continually.
SPEAKER_02You think it's continual?
SPEAKER_01I well, I feel like there are seasons of life and it kind of comes in ebbs and flows, but I have lived in multiple seasons of parenting that feel overwhelming. You know, it's not just moments sometimes. They I feel like she's asking about that moment, you know, the breaking point moment when it's all come to a head.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_01Um, and then there are just seasons where it's just overwhelming. Any mother who's brought a newborn home knows it's a glorious, glorious season of baby bliss, but it also can have a touch of overwhelm thrown in.
SPEAKER_02They're these teeny little human beings, and yet it just consumes your life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they just take a lot of time, effort, energy, and you add in a little sleep deprivation to the mix, and it can make and it can make things emotionally exciting for moms. Yeah, and I think that's what she's talking about is the the emotions when she finds herself on the brink of breaking and maybe taking it out on her family.
SPEAKER_02Right. And of course, you know, we Amy and I have talked about this so many times. Parenting is so difficult to talk about because you know, when you have toddlers and two-year-olds and at home, it's different than when you have 14, 15, and 16 year olds olds at home. You can still feel overwhelm. Yeah, for sure. However, it's it's different, it's a different kind of feel to it. Yeah, um, but one isn't worse than the other. It's just it's just feeling that I don't know, inadequacy, uh, too much going on. I I'm not I'm ill-equipped, all those different human feelings.
SPEAKER_01I have kind of made it a partial life goal of mine not to tell moms with young children that the overwhelm doesn't go away. So you kind of you kind of broke the code right there, yeah. Just saying that overwhelm exists at all stages.
SPEAKER_02I think I think it does. And you're liking overwhelm, aren't you? You're kind of using it now, aren't you? I I knew that would be the case. Um, so I I I think what we need, well, I would why I would like to address. I don't know what your notes are. Amy and I never compare our notes, so um, as you know that going into the podcast. But is there a way to avoid the snap phase? You know, is is I'll I'll just ask you that question. Because I, you know, I just wrote down, you know, you know when we establish boundaries, when we discipline consistently, when we have, you know, order is such a big ominous word, but when we have you know peace in our home and things are running okay, um, then then it feels like we're not living on the brink of snapping, you know. Um, so is there are there ways, you know, I think maybe that's the heart of this question is it'd be better just to snap, not snop, to stop snapping altogether, right? That would be the best, is that we don't get to that point. And so there are some things that we can do maybe to not get to that point, or is it just life?
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna say yes to both questions. I think it's absolutely yes to both. I think that we can be faithful and discipline, disciplining our children. We can be faithful and allowing the Lord to discipline us because that's just called maturing.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, and still there's going to be moments of parenting and of life that it just handle it hands us something more than we feel like we can take, you know, and and I feel like for myself, I established some boundaries for myself in parenting because I didn't want to be a mom that responded to my kids in anger.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And so when I feel angry, I would put myself in time out. I did. I would, I you know, it sounds goofy, but as long as everybody was safe and the toddler had somebody assigned to them, please watch, you know, whoever was the younger one at the time, I would go and take a second in my room so that I could gather myself past the emotions of my frustration of whatever was going on, yeah, so that I could dial myself down a second.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01And it's better to pre-dial than to have to dial in the moment. Um, but I think that no matter how much you you go to the Lord and you process through this, there are going to be times that push you to the max, and you kind of have to know how you handle yourself in those moments, if that makes sense.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you know, I just have a doctor mindset sometimes too. And so, you know, I always want to kind of get to the root of the problem. And so I always feel like if if if we're getting to that point where where I'm losing it or I'm snapping or things like that, sometimes it's okay to sort of evaluate your life and say, So if it is because the kids are unruly or they're not listening to you, well, then I think there needs to be some circling of the wagons in regards to discipline and so that your home operates in some assemblance of order and peace. I think if it's because your schedule's too busy and you're driving around to all the sporting events and the things, and so you feel overwhelmed, yeah. Well, then maybe it's time to start reconsidering that. Now, I don't I don't want human emotion to drive our decision making. I don't think that's super healthy either. Um, so sometimes it is just uh you know maturing in ourselves to be able to handle the situations better and to allow God's grace to enter into the situation more. Um, I think that's always possible. But it's sometimes, you know, especially as couples, we need to stop and say, yeah is this how we want to live our life? Kind of always on the edge of overwhelm.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And I think I think that uh one thing that our society society does really well is max out schedules. I mean, that's that's the normal, is to have schedules maxed out. And honestly, we're kind of in a maxed out season ourselves where there's not a lot of margin. And it's not a great way to live. And I I feel like there are seasons where you have to be in a little bit of a maxed-out season. We're campaigning right now. Johnny is running for office. It's not always going to be campaign season, but it is a full season for us. Um, but I think we have to analyze our season. And when you have, especially when you have young children, you need to build in so much buffer for your life in order to execute life at the pace of childhood. Children move at a different pace. They are not about efficiency. There's no part of small children that's trying to get from point A to point B in a linear manner. And when their parents are trying to move them in that direction as efficiently as possible, there is always going to be pushback. And so if you're trying to get out the door with small children, only allowing yourself five minutes of time until you're late is probably not the wisest move as a mom.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Planning sufficient amount of time so you can inefficiently exit the house as your children remember, oh, they actually put their other tennis shoe up under the bed, you know, behind the Lego bin, and it takes a second to find it. And or or you've got the moment where your baby inadvertently, continually, always heading out the door, has the blowout that can't be ignored. And just just plan on it taking longer than you think. Plan that into your day with that extra margin so that you have room to peacefully exit or whatever it is you're trying to do.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Children move slowly, and it's part of the beauty of them.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Well, yeah, that's true.
SPEAKER_01You know, it's just it is, and it, and if we could embrace that pace and set our own dial to match it, life goes better.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. You know, I mean, I mean, I have used this phrase kind of more lately in our marriage than earlier in our marriage, is there's some things we can control and some things we can't. Yeah. And so our schedule is one of those things that we can control mostly. Right. There are some things that we've committed to or some things that we've been called to, and some things that that we're not going to move or move off of the schedule. And then and then things pop up, like, hey, Thursday night's the one night we have free. Do you should we go and commit to this? Well, that we do have control over that, and maybe that's the one night that we need to sort of catch our breath. And yeah, and so we, you know, we we try to somewhat think of the times that because it because there's a lot of good things to do, but it's not always the right thing to do. Yeah. And uh, and so if that if that's your overwhelm, then I think you know, just evaluating your schedule and finding some margin there so that you're not living quite so close to that edge. Yeah. Um, but I I do want to talk about the word control, yeah, um, just real quickly, because that's in this question is how do I best take control? And and I always I always hesitate at that line a little bit because what what we've learned in ministry, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, but what we've learned in ministry is that our our soul has limits. Like we're we're we're not that good in and of our own strength. And that's why this is a Christian podcast. We want to answer your questions from a Christian perspective, from a kingdom perspective, because that's that makes all the difference in the world. Yeah, and so we could have a self self-help podcast where we just try to talk about ways to help control your inner inner peace, uh, you know, things to marginalize your schedule so that everything works better. All of those things are important and they're good tools. However, at the end of the day, it's not really about your soul. And and and I would submit to the person asking this question is that I would hesitate to, in your own strength, try to take control of the situation so that you don't snap. Really, really, the answer is I know it sounds like a very spiritual question, our answer, is is surrendering your control. I think that's really key because the Holy Spirit wants to partner with us. We've seen it in our own lives, we've seen it as we minister to people. Yeah, he wants to partner with us, and so it's not really taking your own control, it's it's it's or or having greater self-control. It's really about having his control and his indwelling spirit within you. And that Holy Spirit is a master at that, so that we don't ever really get to the point where we're gonna snap because because the fruit of his spirit in us is is flowing out of us. And so um, I I try not to teach too much in this podcast, so I'll do this really fast. But you know, when you talk about the fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Yeah, the self-control is the one that always never seemed to fit in my mind.
SPEAKER_03Always never.
SPEAKER_02What did I say? Always never, always never, yeah, almost always never. Um, because I looked at that one, I'm like, well, the other ones are the fruit of my spirit. Self-control feels like my soul, you know, our mind, will, and emotions. You know, that's what our soul is. And so that one never really seemed to fit. And so I kind of researched it, and the word is Enkritia, uh, which actually means strength or power within, but it's the same word as indwelling of the spirit that happened in Pentecost. It's the it's the same word that what the spirit indwelled in them. And so, really, I believe the fruit of the spirit is is internal control, which is not my own strength, it's actually surrendering to the indwelling of the spirit, yeah, so that he controls us and and we allow him. So it's actually surrender. Our soul has limits. Um, his spirit has no limits. Yeah, that's good. And so I just that's a little bit of a teaching point. But I but I think it's an important point because I I don't want people listening to this podcast and feel like they just need to work harder. Yeah, it just always makes me bristle because I none of us are that good. Yeah, we're just not. Yeah, we can't make our marriage better by working harder. Well, yeah, yeah, maybe we can. Maybe we can get better, but but it's not the answer. You know, the answer is is is the fruit flowing out of us. I become a better husband when I'm filled with the spirit, yeah. And and I become a better parent, and I I don't feel so overwhelmed when the spirit is controlling me, and I surrender to that spirit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's good. So I um our daughter Emma yesterday, she is a youth pastor at our church, and she actually was preaching from um big church, as all the youth students call it. And she shared a message that was so practical. And I I feel like maybe we should link this if we can if we can link it onto this podcast, we will, so that you can listen to it because I feel like she had some practical pieces that would be very helpful here. But the one thing that I can tell you from my own personal experience as a mom, that I I uh came to repeated um thresholds of I felt like I had reached max capacity and that there was no way that though I could possibly expand more. And I'll tell you if I can tell I name a couple of those seasons for you so you know what I'm talking about. I was pregnant with our fourth child, and our oldest son, Jacob, was five. He had just had a liver transplant. We were in that post-transplant, still, you know, working out some medication problems, just navigating this new health routine and things. He was supposed to start kindergarten. Um, I was getting ready to have a baby, and so I had added homeschooling, transplant, pregnancy, and I had two other kiddos at home, and I was feeling maxed out, like I don't even know how I'm gonna get food on the table. And I remember just crying out to the Lord, like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I am absolutely at my max capacity, and he has been so practical and so gracious to me. But he introduced me to freezer cooking in that season, and it's something we still do to this day. And I would take, you know, one day and you would help me, and we'd freezer cook so that the meal uh preparation suddenly was removed from my daily schedule. And so, what I'm telling you and sharing this is that the Holy Spirit's very practical. If you're feeling as a parent like you are at max capacity and you don't know how you can possibly get more done, the Lord loves to take what we're doing and rearrange it so that He can expand us in a way that we didn't know we could be expanded. And he has done that for me multiple times, again and again and again. And this in Emma's sermon yesterday, she shared how the Lord became very practical for her as well in her busy season of newly pregnant, toddler, full-time youth pastor, and mom and wife and caretaker of her home. And and um, the Lord's faithful, he's faithful to every generation, and so he will meet you in that place where you feel like you're on the brink of breaking, go to him, he will help you. And then my other practical piece that's on my notes is that the Lord actually wants to transform us. And if you find that you're repeatedly um uh feeling like or are lashing out at your kids in anger or frustration, like you just break emotionally and it spills out on your children who you love more than anything on the planet.
SPEAKER_02It's the snap.
SPEAKER_01The snap. Um, when you feel that way and it you either feel it or are doing it, um, the Lord wants to help you. When we find areas that we uh fall short, which we all do all the time, we find areas that we fall short. The answer isn't being shameful or just walking in regret. That does not bring about restoration or change. Right. But turning to Jesus and the power of his blood does. And so when you find those moments, repent before the Lord, repent before your children, and then ask Holy Spirit to transform you, to make you slow to anger and quick to love. And there are the you one of the ways that in my life I've brought this to the forefront is I find scriptures. And using scripture, I begin to write declarations that I say over myself. And these declarations change depending on the season I'm in or what the Holy Spirit's working on me. But this is one of the ways I keep it to the forefront and I train myself to begin to think differently about myself so that when those moments of crisis come up, I actually have something different inside of me to spill out besides just the rash thing or the harsh words that have always been there before. And so I'm gonna give you some examples because I feel like it helps. Um, I would find a verse, there are hundreds of verses in the Bible that have to do with what we say, but this is one of them, and it's Proverbs 15, 18. And it says, A hot tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel. I would write a declaration that went something like this Lord, I thank you that my hot temper is becoming cooler because I walk with you. And I know that I am a patient mom that easily calms a quarrel. And I'll begin to write that down and then I'll say it over myself every single morning as I'm learning this new pattern. Here's the next one: Ephesians 4, 2. Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Lord, I thank you that I am completely humble and gentleness is one of my best character traits. I thank you that my patience flows over in loving my children well. And I would write that down and add it to my declarations. And here's Ecclesiastes 7 9. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. Lord, I thank you that I am not quickly provoked, and that my spirit responds to you, and that anger has no place in my life because I look like my father. Or Galatians 6 9 that says, Let us not become weary and doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not good up, give up. I would say something like this: Lord, I thank you that as a mom I do not become weary in doing good, because I know as I keep doing what you've given me to do every day, that in your proper time I'm gonna reap a harvest if I do not give up. And as I begin to say those things over me, I stop seeing myself as the quick tempered mom who snaps at her children and lives in lots of regret. And I begin to see myself as the transformed child of the Almighty God. And as I see myself differently, the things that begin to spill out of myself because of that fruit of what Jesus did, his blood. Is so good. I begin to look more and more like the Father, and He transforms me from the inside out. I do not have to become a good mom on my own strength. I yield to the Spirit. I learn to think like He thinks, and then I walk that out in my daily life. And you know what? The next time I scream or break at my children, you know what I do? I repent before the Lord and I repent to them and I do not give up.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's good. I, you know, we we welcome the capital T truth into a situation. And that and that's he he wants to partner with us and he gives us his perspective. And that's that's been my my reality. I've been I've been saying more lately as I've been looking at my schedule that there is enough time in the day to accomplish. Because I look at my at the beginning of the day, I look at my to-do list and I'm thinking, I'm not sure there's enough time in the day, but there is, and he and he's telling me that there is, and there is, and so so just welcoming truth into the situation, he kind of helps us. And I um just the the last piece of of advice I want to give is that our soul does like to amplify things bigger than they really are, yeah. Um, and and the enemy loves to partner with our soul, yeah, um, and and and sort of put exclamation points after everything. Um and the other tool that he loves to use, I believe, is social media. And I'm just gonna just submit to those who are listening um to try to get off of that, especially when you're when you're in that place of feeling overwhelmed. Yeah. Um, because a lot of other people's cycling through about how bad their marriage is and how bad their children are and how bad their life is and how full, not time for everything. All of a sudden that that becomes witnessing to you, that becomes your truth, your small tea truth. Yeah, um, and that really really messes with you. I feel like that's so good, you know. And so just turn that stuff off, yeah. Uh, and and turn to him and listen to what he says about your day and about your life, and I think he'll give you a strategy for that too. So um, yes. So I think whether you are overwhelmed or something is overwhelming, yeah, or something or you're in a season of overwhelm. Or in a season of overwhelm. Any of those.
SPEAKER_01Any of those.
SPEAKER_02I think the Holy Spirit wants to walk through it with you.
SPEAKER_01I know he does. I my life is walking testimony as a mom of eight, homeschooling mom of eight.
SPEAKER_02Yes, and I don't think anybody needs to feel bad when they feel overwhelmed. It doesn't make you a less of a Christian, it doesn't make you less mature, it doesn't, you know, these are these are this is life, and parenting is, you know, sometimes um full of overwhelm.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it can be. But he is the answer.
SPEAKER_02Take us home, babe.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So, Father, we are thankful today, thankful that you are the keeper of our days, and that you are the giver of our families, father, that you love our marriages and that you love our children, and that you have handpicked us to be their parents. We thank you that you provide everything that we need, that you're our source, and from you we receive it all. We thank you that you are great at expanding our capacity, and that when we feel stretched, we can receive your grace to allow the capacity to expand. You are magnificent at loving us. And I just release your blessing over every person that's listening to this podcast. You are so good.
SPEAKER_00Amen. If you would like to submit a question for Johnny and Amy to answer on a future episode, head over to the FAMology page on our website at gofam.org or simply click the link in the caption below. And if you're enjoying the show, be sure to leave a review or a comment wherever you listen or watch. It really helps us out. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week.