Protecting Your Marriage: Setting Boundaries with Your Kids

It’s easy for children to unintentionally take priority in ways that begin to erode the marriage relationship. So how do you set healthy, loving boundaries that keep your marriage strong without making your kids feel pushed aside? In this episode, we talk about what it looks like to protect the covenant of marriage while still being deeply present parents. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Hello everyone. We're Johnny and Amy Clausen, and we are co-founders of GoFam Ministries. And we are here today on FAMology hearing your questions about marriage parenting and families. So if you happen to have some of your own, go ahead and jump over to our website at GoFam.org and head to the uh FAMology section, and you'll find a little spot that you can you can write a question and then we will have an opportunity to answer that for you.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

We've been enjoying it.

SPEAKER_02 0:35

Yes, we have. It's been fun.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

They've been great questions.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Yeah, I mean some hard-hitting questions, some a little bit lighthearted questions, but we we take all questions. Yes, we do. So they can be as specific or as general as you want them to be. Um we will obviously protect names and different things that way because this is you know obviously a sensitive topic. Um, however, we also want you to be raw and uh and and let us have it. And we'll do the we'll do the best we can.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

We'll do the best we can to answer them. So today's question is how do you set boundaries with your kids so they don't become illegal immigrants in your marriage bond? And this is definitely from somebody who has been to our parenting course because that's something that Johnny teaches on about the illegal immigrants. Do you want to explain?

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Well, it's a little bit of a politically charged word, so I apologize for that. Especially now. Um, but uh, you know, sort of sort of making the case that, you know, the the marriage bond, marriage relationship is the most important primary human relationship that we have on the planet. That's the way he created it to be. And so we have these children that we love, we have friends, we have coworkers, we have other people in our lives, but none of those relationships are as important as husband and wife relationships. Um, and not only for our sake, but for their sake as well, because when this is healthy, the people that we actually communicate with and interchange with actually see us in our healthiest version. Um, and so they get the most healthy portion of us. Um, and so when we open up that boundary, when when it's loose, um when there's no security around this relationship, and other people enter in or become in the middle of the relationship, it would be akin to an illegal immigrant coming in uh and needing to be cared for and needing to be in the middle of what we are doing. Um, and it makes it a little bit less healthy. Yeah. I think that's the idea. That's the summary of it. I really um so they use that term illegal immigrant, not to be not to be uh um provoking or anything uh or to be disrespectful in any way. Um, but it's just an idea that you know, unless we put us unless we purposefully put boundaries and security around something, there's that potential for somebody to come in and and decrease what it was meant to be.

SPEAKER_02 2:51

So I remember back when I was pregnant with Jacob, our first, and you were in medical school and you were very busy because that's just medical school.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:01

And we had a parenting like book that we wanted to get through before we had Jake, and it was a little bit hard to find time. And I, as a 22-year-old, uh maybe wasn't super patient. I don't know. But one I remember one afternoon you had time off of work and you took the book and you packed a picnic and we went to our favorite park in Milwaukee. Do you remember that? Oh, I do. Yeah, and we sat and we um right over Lake Michigan. Yeah, right over Lake Michigan. We had a picnic in this beautiful spot. It still makes me happy thinking about that beautiful park. Um, but anyway, we sat and read the book together. Do you remember that?

SPEAKER_01 3:39

Yes. No, you don't. I remember the park. I wouldn't have remembered the book.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

Yes, but it was, I mean, it was probably, you know, 29 and a half years ago that we did that. Yeah. Um, but anyway, I from that book, I remember one line, and it was your children are a welcome member of your family, but they're not the center of it. And I feel like that applies right here. Yeah. To um, yes, we we welcome our children, but they they the the world doesn't begin to spin around them. Actually, in the family unit, the husband and the wife are at that center core. And kids actually don't want to be in the middle, even though they attempt to be.

SPEAKER_01 4:21

And uh yeah, they're just trying to find out what the boundary is because you know they don't they don't come with an instruction manual and they don't tell us what they're thinking or behaving all the time. And so we we we set up boundaries for them, not against them, um, for their security. And so they're trying to just to find out what it is, yeah. And so um when we when we demonstrate that very clearly that this is the most important relationship, um, and it doesn't make them less than, um, it's just actually just brings things into alignment in the way that it was created to be. Yeah, um, and so and again, the key is is that um there's health, and when there's health in a marriage, the children feel that. Yeah. And so one thing we always say is that you know, the number one thing you can do for your children, um, number one thing, number one, is have a healthy marriage. Yeah, I mean that's that's what they're looking for. And boy, I'm telling you folks, you know, when you look at the cut the culture as it is today, um, there's a lot of insecurity when it comes to marriage and and and people young people's young people's parents and the way they treat each other and the statistics about divorce and the things that are happening. Um, it's an uncertain world. And and so these kids are injected into that, they see that in their culture, and they feel a lot of insecurity just because of the what the what the culture is showing them. Yeah, um, and so one thing that we can do, the number one thing we can do is just demonstrate them that we take this very seriously, this marriage thing, and that we're in it for the long haul, and that we're not we're not abandoning each other or them. And and as they see that, that that security, the the hormones in their brain, the neurons in their brain get get hardwired to know that they don't ever have to think about that. You know, that's not something that they ever have to carry, and and that's how it's supposed to be.

SPEAKER_02 6:06

Yeah, that's good. And I think it's important to note that especially with young kids, they they are innately selfish. I mean, they when you are a child or childish, that selfishness is kind of innate, they can't see the world from your perspective yet when they're little. And that's part of what we have to do as parents is help them see things a little bit more outside of themselves because the toddler wants the toy, they take the toy. They have no concept of you know, sharing outside of us, beginning to show them what it looks like. Oh, actually, we love our cousin, so we're not gonna take the toy from them. And they begin to their world broadens as we teach and instruct them. And I feel like this is just another level of that expansion of you don't take the toy. Also, when mom and dad are talking, you don't interrupt. And that's just part of learning that there is more to life than our own perspectives. And and as sad is it to say, sometimes at 53, I I forget that myself, you know, that people see things differently than I do, and that maybe it looks different from that side. And, you know, and so we all are on a journey of really uh allowing ourselves to become more and more um like Christ and seeing things from his vantage point.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Well, I think Amy hit the nail on the head earlier when she said, you know, the kids actually don't want to be there. Um and that's a weird thing to say because it seems like they do. Yeah. Um and it seems like they they do want to be the center of attention and and uh the what's the expression, the tail wags the dog, yeah, you know, so to speak. Um but they don't. And and actually studies have proven that. Um kids want to be kids and they actually do want to follow. Um, they're just trying to figure out where that boundary is. And and there are some things where sure maybe they're being selfish and they want to lead or they want to have their way. I mean, those things do happen, but at the end of the day, they actually really want to just be be kids. And uh and and the way that you do that at the heart of this question is is that you you establish these relationships and and the so and the the critical importance of of the marriage relationship first, so that they see that, you know. I think that's the key.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

You know what I was thinking about as you said that is in our family. Sometimes Johnny and I will say this to our kids don't worry your bip.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:33

You know, I'm not sure what a bip is, but they're not supposed to worry it. Sometimes it's a classic word. Yeah, sometimes kids just want to know everything, like what we're doing, blah blah. And within context, you know, it's fine to a certain extent, but sometimes they just need to not worry their bip and let mom and dad be mom and dad and trust us a second, you know.

SPEAKER_01 8:51

It's a great conversation because you know, as our kids get older, we do we do and have let them enter into a little bit of pull back a little more bip. Pull back the curtain a little bit and allow them in a little bit to some of the things that we're thinking about, dreaming about. Hey, I'm thinking of running for office. Yeah, you know, and they and we enter because we know it's going to affect them. And so as they get older and more mature, there is that peace, but it's not everything. No, really, even today, it's not everything. Uh, we don't share everything with our children. Um, because the and that's a boundary as well, is how much of our heart and emotion that we share with them because we don't want them to carry something that isn't theirs to carry. Um, they don't need to know about our finances, they don't need to, you know, know about our my conflict at work and you know things like that that is happening. Um, it doesn't mean that we don't ever talk about that and we don't ever talk about why we budget or why we're not going out to dinner tonight or because we can't afford it. I mean, those are things that they can slowly get entered into, but a five-year-old doesn't need to know any of that, honestly. And so there's some boundaries too, just emotionally and practically and different things that way that we carry for them because we love them.

SPEAKER_02 9:55

And this is not on the topic of this question, but it it's it's relevant to life. So here you can have this little part too. You know, when we overshare our emotions or thoughts on a topic or uh offense that we've had at work, something that's not going out well at work, or somebody who has treated us poorly. Um, not sharing some of that with our kids is important, but it protects them from offense. They don't have the emotional capacity to uh work through that offense. They become offended for you. And then that then that's a burden that they have to bear. And so sometimes we need to keep those things just to ourselves or just between the two of us, just simply to protect them from having to navigate offense and unforgiveness and all those things. We we we don't want them to have to carry ours. They're gonna have plenty of their own to carry, and we can help them navigate through that, but not ours.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

So the question is how do you do that? Yes. Um, and so do you have some practical things on that little notes of yours?

SPEAKER_02 10:54

Yes, I do.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

Um, you know, how so how do how do we do that?

SPEAKER_02 10:57

Yeah, like number one, setting aside time to talk, the two of us, and establishing that being a boundary. Mom and dad are gonna talk, and we don't want to be interrupted. We talked about this a couple weeks ago on a podcast about our porch time. Um, and and I feel like that is one major way that our children, no matter their ages, can see that mom and dad are important to each other and they don't always get to be in the middle of it. And so those non-interrupted times of talking, and that's not continually, but there are times that we can set aside. My next time is having good solid bed times for our kids so that we have time that we always get alone. Um, and that that has been a great blessing to us over the years, and establishing that boundary. Hey, nope, you head to bed, and if you want to read or whatever, you can do that. Um, and then another way that we can establish the boundary and the value and importance of our marriage is how we talk about each other, what they hear us say. And you know, one thing that I always tried to do when um Johnny would get home from work is to drop everything and run down to the garage so that we could welcome him home. And it became part, it's still to this day. And now you don't come home from work anymore, so we haven't done this for a second.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

That's true. Isn't that funny? Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_02 12:21

But when the garage door would go up, you know, uh two months ago, and it was always in the morning because he worked nights, the kids and I would stop school and we'd run down and we'd welcome him home. And when the kids were little, they would sing around him, Daddy, Daddy, whoop whoop, daddy, daddy, whoop whoop in the garage. There were to be a dance time. Yeah, a little theme song for dad coming home from work. But those things establish value for one another, and they see there's cherishing that goes on here. And I feel like that's an you know, part of the way we establish boundaries is how we speak about one another to our kids because they're gonna see that we're in love with each other and how we speak and treat one another.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

So let's just get real about this, okay? Yeah, let's just get real.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

How real are we gonna get?

SPEAKER_01 13:09

Well, pretty real. Woof. So, like, you know, we we've been married 30 years, yeah, and I still think you're a babe. You know what I mean? And so I let my kids know that. So I mean, I mean, you know, I mean, I'm not talking about being weird and gross, too gross, public displays of affection that are inappropriate or things like that, but a little, yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, and you know, and I and the the reality is is that you know, if one of their siblings was in their early 20s and starting to date, we wouldn't let a different sibling go on their date with them, you know what I mean? Right? There would be a boundary there, right? I mean, maybe we would.

SPEAKER_02 13:42

Depends. Maybe, yeah. Maybe a bad example.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

But but my point is is that you know, they're they're young and in love, and so you know, you you you you know, you're not hovering over them and would never let our kids do that to other people, you know what I mean? And yet we're young and in love.

SPEAKER_02 13:59

I'm just feeling like if our kids were listening to this right now, like Jake and Abby, yeah, our oldest son and his girl, yeah um, they've been married for a number of years now, but when they first started dating, they were looking at the stars because there was a meteor shower and our little kids, I mean little, as in they were teenagers, all crept outside and like completely crashed their stargazing party.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

What you doing?

SPEAKER_02 14:24

Yeah, yeah, and so Jake and Abby will be like, you never would let them go on a date with my could be good. They would have they would have things to say about that.

SPEAKER_01 14:31

So this is hot off the press. This is hot off the press. My wife's phone rings 14, 15 times a day with our children. Love you, children. That's fine because there's eight of them, yeah, right? And so there's eight of them, and you know, some of them will call more than once a day, you know. So if you're listening, children, that's perfectly fine. I'm not I'm not complaining about that. However, there are times and you and I are alone or out on a date, like we're going like out to dinner or something, and their kids will call and I will literally say, I'm on a date with my wife. You know, is this is this an emergency? And they'll be like, No, you know, and so I mean, but they've are I'm still establishing that boundary today because this is this is us time. They just can't, they all don't live at our house, so they can't see what we're gonna letting them know, like yeah, if there's something you need to say, say it quick, you know. But I mean, those are these are boundaries that are are lifelong, uh, and that's the way it should be. And so I think you know, I think a great way of set of of establishing those boundaries is demonstrating to your children that you're still crazy about each other. Yeah, we are, and that we're still spending time with each other, we still like to go out on the porch and talk, and and these are it's hard for kids to even fathom that yeah, that we actually like you know are in love. Yes, and so um our theme song is I think we're alone now.

SPEAKER_02 15:48

So if you're old enough to know that song, there doesn't seem to be anyone though wrapped out.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

It's a it's a classic, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:55

It's a classic, but it's just what we sing to each other when we're all alone.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

And they all roll their eyes when we're walking down the hallway, leaving them. They they roll their eyes, but that is a boundary, and actually it creates security in their hearts. And deep down inside, children, we know you like it. No matter the protest, no matter the protest or the groans or things like that. Yeah, get your kids to groan a little, yeah, right? At mom and dad being gushy-wishy with each other. Yeah, um, get them to groan a little bit because they love it. They do they love it. Um deep down in the yeah, well, of course, and but deep down in your in their soul, they actually love it. Yeah, and uh and it's it's rare, it's important, you know, and so we have to we have to demonstrate that. So that's a real practical way to show boundaries.

SPEAKER_02 16:42

I like it. Do you have anything else? I don't. No, that was the end of my too.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Yes, let me pray. Father, we uh we thank you for love, we thank you for marriage, we thank you for um the the idea that we're moving together for something for your kingdom. And Lord, we we we're so grateful for our children. And Lord, we do just pray, Lord Jesus, as we strengthen our marriage that they would feel that security in their own hearts for who they are and what they're called to do in context of a family. And so, Lord, I just I just release health and wholeness and healing, Lord Jesus, over these homes. And Lord, I do just I just do I do just pray for a spark of romance, a spark of of um of of newness, Lord Jesus, to the romantic relationship in the marriages that are listening to this podcast. Um, and that would be demonstrated to their children and the importance of that connection, Lord God. So, Lord Jesus, you are so good at this, and uh, we're so grateful, Lord God, that you've established us in families. And Lord, I just release health and wholeness over each of the families listening today. In Jesus' name. Amen.

unknown 17:45

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

If you would like to submit a question for Johnny and Amy to answer on a future episode, head over to the FAMology page on our website at goldfam.org or simply click the link in the caption below. And if you're enjoying the show, be sure to leave a review or a comment wherever you listen to watch. It really helps us out. Thanks for tuning in, and I'll see you next week.