How to stay in communication with independent

Jonny and Amy discuss ways to bridge the gap in communication when independent adult children move out of your home and start their adulthood.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:03

Hi, we're John and Amy Clausen, and we are the leaders of GoFam Ministries. And FAMLogy is one of our very favorite things to do because it's where we answer your questions about marriage, parenting, and family. We love to talk about family. It's our favorite topic. Yes. And so we answer one question every episode, and we do not pre-discuss our answers to it and just kind of have a real discussion about your question. So if you have one, shoot one our way at gofam.org and we would love to chat about it.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

We talk about life a lot, but not these questions specifically. Yeah. With each other.

SPEAKER_04 0:49

Yes. Oh, that's true. We do talk. So we probably know what you mean.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

Well, I'm just saying in life, we probably cover most of these questions on a regular basis.

SPEAKER_04 0:56

Oh, that's true.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Isn't it funny? Because it's called family. That's what we do. Yeah. Um, however, when these very specific questions pop up, we don't discuss those beforehand. That's true. So we'll see what happens.

SPEAKER_04 1:07

So we have other discussions, but not these particular ones. Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

And as we're recording this episode, speaking of family, yeah. Do you want to share that news?

SPEAKER_04 1:17

Yes. So we have added a new little granddaughter to our family since we last recorded. And her name is Josie Jean, and she is the cutest little bundle.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

I am head over heels.

SPEAKER_04 1:29

Yeah, Papa is. He's head over heels.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

Yikes, she's cute. That's trouble, isn't it? Yeah, it's fine. You're the Papa this time. Isn't that true?

SPEAKER_04 1:38

When Josie's mama was a baby, however, he was so funny because we she was our fourth, and we were finally out of medical school and residency when we had her mama. And so Lydia comes and she's this precious little baby. And Johnny is for the first time like actually awake.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Yeah, I mean, there's just this chronic sleep deprivation that takes place during training, whether right or wrong, you know. And so you get a like a real job, and instead of being on call every other night, you're on call every eight eighth night, and things just are different. Yeah. And yeah, there was like an awakening.

SPEAKER_04 2:14

Yes. And so here he is with this tiny little baby. And this tiny little baby, darling cute, you know, she he did feed her ice cream at like three days of life.

SPEAKER_01 2:23

That's not part of the story.

SPEAKER_04 2:24

I know. That's just a subplot. Yeah. Um, but then when she was two, he still was in this stupor estate. And I finally I had to look him in the eye and take his hands between I put his cheeks between my hands, and I'm like, you've got to snap out of it. Yeah. Because he was just like, Whatever you want. He was like entering grandpa mode, and I'm like, You're not the grandpa, you're the dad. Come on, snap out of it. So, anyways, so now he has now you get all that to say this round, you can be stuporous.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

And now that baby is the one producing the show for us.

SPEAKER_04 2:56

Yeah, she has that baby.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

And she's a wonderful mother. Yeah, she is. And so everything turned out okay. That's what I'm trying to what we're trying to do. Must have woken up. So, parents, parents, you don't have to do it perfectly. It always usually turns out okay. So we get to our question. This is the question of the week. It says, What advice would you give to parents with independent older kids when they leave home and won't communicate? How should I respond? So that's a sad question. It's it's painful sometimes when you're a parent and kids go off and they have their life, which is normal and right and all of those things, but yet you want to stay connected with them and and maybe they aren't you know reciprocating that or they aren't feeling that. Um so what do you do?

SPEAKER_04 3:45

I think the simple answer to the question is love. But the more complicated, I think the more complicated place to steward in this question is the parent's own heart. Um because if you if you respond as the rejected one, then no matter what the interactions are, it's gonna be yucky. And so we have to steward our own hearts in that. And I think navigating that it it takes some intentionality and uh realization that our children don't reflect our on our identity. They're as adults, they get to be completely their own person, and that doesn't mean that they're completely they have, you know, there's no strong family ties or anything, but we have to allow them to become adults. And sometimes there's a little bit of a of a a swing where they they need to get their feet under them as an adult. Yeah. And we have as parents have to allow them the space to get their feet under them. And then it's you know, it's been our experience that you give them a little bit of room, and then they do start coming back and asking those questions and the realization, but there is a moment where they're like, hey, I'm an adult, I have to choose these for myself, and that's not necessarily wrong.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

No, and um, I you know, as as we do this podcast going forward, and you'll learn more about Amy. She likes the word yucky and yummy. And I think maybe we should have like a little thing at the bottom of the screen. Yeah. Like every time you say yucky or yummy, it goes ding! Yeah, and we like we keep a tally over time. Yeah, because it's just it's a very have I said it yet today? Yes, he said that's very yucky, yeah. That's what she said. Yeah, so I mean you're just gonna notice that as this podcast goes forward. And maybe you can just keep score at home. That's kind of what I'm thinking. But the yucky yummy thing um is just the words that she uses.

SPEAKER_04 5:40

So my children, the my vocabulary does get some commentary.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

But this is our podcast.

SPEAKER_04 5:45

You can just I can say you can let it fly very yummy.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

You can say, you know, most things on this podcast, not everything.

SPEAKER_04 5:51

Everything that comes out of my mouth should be podcast friendly.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

Podcast friendly, but not necessarily English.

SPEAKER_04 5:57

That's true.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

So I my my first comment to this is you know, always to peel back the layers a little bit and say, you know, what's going on here? In this question, she kind of gave the impression that this is an independent older child. So, what does that mean to me? It means that this person has a personality that tends to be able to operate on their own and not always looking for other people's input. That in and of itself is not inherently evil and um, you know, not it doesn't necessarily even have to be hurtful, it could just be a personality issue, you know. Um, and so the question is are they independent or are they closed off? Is there something else going on that's that's keeping them from wanting to connect with you? Are they offended? Are they just aloof? Yeah. Sometimes kids, there's a personalities where it's like, hello, you know, the people are just off in their own little world, and we all know who those people are. And that's not a bad thing either. Yeah. And so are they just aloof? Are they just independent? Um, are but are they are they hurt? Are they offended? Are they closed off to you for some reason? And so if those are the cases, then yeah, then I think we feel like you know, you should lean in and you should seek healing if there's something going on, but don't make it a problem unless it's a problem. I think that'd be my first piece of advice because if it's just them, um, that's just kind of the way they are, then that's the way God made them, and that's okay too. And it doesn't necessarily have to result in hurt and pain. On the other hand, you know, here we are as parents, and we're wanting to connect with them and we're wanting to be part of their lives, and it and we're not going to be parenting them the same as it when they were younger. That's just that's just the reality of it. It's just different. Um, but um, you know, there I think there's that place where we can be part of their lives, we can sew into it, and we always say, you know, the kids that ask questions of their parents are wise kids. Yeah, not that all of us have done it better, but we've all done it as parents. We've at least gone forward. And so I, you know, I I am always what do you mean by that? Well, I'm always grateful when our kids ask advice of us because I think it's just wise. It doesn't mean we always have the perfect answer, that's true, and it doesn't mean they always listen to us, that's true. Um, so neither of those things are fine. But when they're when they're seeking both of those things are fine.

SPEAKER_04 8:01

I'm clarifying because you just said neither of those things are fine. Both of those things are fine. Yes, they are.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

Yes, they're both yummy, and uh um, however, um as we as we go forward, I think that there's there's that connection that we still want to have with them and be able to sew into their lives, and we do have wisdom, yeah, don't we? Yeah, mostly, yeah. I mean, most parents do because we've lived it. Experience.

SPEAKER_04 8:26

We have lived, we've lived, and the Lord has taught us stuff along the way.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_04 8:31

He has, he's come through over and over and over again.

SPEAKER_01 8:34

So, parents, grandparents, they're great resources. And uh, you know, we're in our 50s and um Amy's parents are in their 80s, yeah, and we still ask advice from them. And so, I mean, that's just that's just wisdom. Why wouldn't we? Yeah, you know, knowing what they've lived through and the experiences they have had, and and with my parents too. And so, I mean, why wouldn't we lean into that resource? Yeah, and so I think it's you know, children if you're listening, and even if you're under the independent ilk, you know, it's it's wise to have that resource and to lean into it. Yeah, um, there's no reason not to, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_04 9:06

But yeah, as a as a mom of eight kids, and now we have six of our eight children would be in the adult category. Yeah, um, it's different navigating and stewarding those relationships as a parent in this season, too. Um, because there's an intentionality on my part as well to to reach out and to connect. And you know, my our oldest son is almost 30, which is just I can't even believe that. Um But you know, he is full-on adulting and and it's important to me to maintain those connections, and it's not waiting for it him always to reach out, although he does, um, but it's intentionally on my part reaching out and checking in and sending those texts, and you know, those those things that we do as parents, um, we need to, we need to to reach out and love our kids in the creative ways the Holy Spirit gives us without hooks attached to them. Like I'm going to text you and I need you to text me within the next three hours or else I'm gonna feel like you're ignoring me. Yes, you know, and you put you you attach the hooks to them that you know, to it's like we're baiting to see if if if they're gonna reciprocate and or and then how do we interpret the delay, you know, and those that's just that's looking for trouble in relationships. And so we need to, we need to find ways to hook-free love our adult children where they don't have to perform back for us, that we can just send love their way in whatever strategies the Lord's gives us. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Completely. And uh, you know, we have a we have a well at our house. Yes, like a physical one, yes, like a water well.

SPEAKER_04 10:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:53

And we um got a new kinetico water system.

SPEAKER_04 10:56

Oh, praise the Lord.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

And uh we fight we decided it was time. We, you know, we have orange bathtubs, and so we kind of replaced our replaced our bathtubs. We live out in the country, it's it's rust, okay? And so we got this kinetico system thinking that that was going to solve our problem. And if we're gonna replace the tubs, now's the time to get a system so this doesn't happen again. And so, of course, they set up the whole thing and they said you have no pressure, no water pressure to your house. Dun dun dun dun. And so, you know, of course, you know, I was frustrated because like this kinetico said this was going to solve our problem.

SPEAKER_04 11:26

It did not, it exposed it, exposed the problem.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

And so, really, what we had to make a very long story short is we had something called iron bacteria. No, people don't need to text us with what that means because we we researched it like crazy. Um, it's not really bacteria, it's more like sludge that takes place in your well, especially in country wells like we have. And so the pipe from the well to the house was almost completely clogged. So it was like atherosclerosis of our of our water pipes.

SPEAKER_04 11:54

Anybody who's not a doctor, that really doesn't help us. No, it's blockage, it's blockage of the pipes. He used a non-confusing.

SPEAKER_01 12:02

So, you know, a couple thousands of dollars later, you know, and uh and you know, high-powered jets, they were able to blow this thing open. And so now we have great water pressure, we have wonderful water. Um, but I say all of that to say that you know, it's very easy for us to as parents to poison the well. You know what I mean? We could if we if we if we feel like we're changing relationships from caring to needy, if all of a sudden we're the needy ones, yeah, and we're turning to our kids to try to meet some kind of need, yeah. Um, even if it's an emotional relational need, which we have, I mean, it's it's real, we're human. Um, but when we're looking to them to try to meet that need, it kind of poisons the well and it actually changes the relationship completely. Yeah, and so all of a sudden the child feels like, okay, I better call mom or she's gonna be mad, yeah, you know, or I need to check in with her regular basis so that we can avoid conflict next time we're together. Well, now the well has been poisoned and the relationship becomes something different. So good, becomes something different, and so we almost have to go from the place that we care about them, and I feel like that's the heart of this question. I care about them, I want to be connected with them. Yeah, um, so you so it there it sometimes kids' personalities require a little finessing with that. Um, and sometimes there's just you know lack of skill sometimes for them to connect. Yeah, you know, on a side note, sorry if I'm doing too much talking. No, I don't know. But on a side note, is that you know, this this generation, if I can make a generalization, I hope I'm not offending any younger people, have are a little bit struggling more with communication skills. It's it's been harder with in the social media world, not with everybody, um, but it's more difficult to connect on a real regular basis. And so sometimes that's the case is they're not trying to be mean, they're not trying to be disconnected. Um, but we're living in a society that communication isn't at the forefront of what it used to be. Yeah, it used to be that we had Sunday dinner together, it used to be that we sat at the dining room table together, it used to be that we went for walks together, those kind of things. Those things don't happen as much anymore. And so that that deep communication where we really share our lives in a short period of time um is harder. And it's I think it's harder for this younger generation. It's not their fault necessarily, it's just that it's a skill. Yeah, and so sometimes we have to pull those out. I think Amy's very good at that. Um, I'm my my mother's son. Yes, you are, and so I try to pull that out too. But I I like asking questions. That's just the way to go. You don't you don't call your children and say, This is what I need to tell you. You call them and say, Tell me about your job. Yeah, what's going on there? What what's the how's the dynamic with this? What you know, how is parenting going? You just ask questions and get them to answer them. Open-ended questions requires them to speak, yeah. And so, um, you know, and again, you don't go with you know, your need flag waved and saying, I have certain needs in this conversation. Just connect with them and questions, I think, are a most beautiful way of doing that.

SPEAKER_04 14:49

Yeah, yeah. So my mom and dad are our neighbors. Our and our are hard to say next to each other, but that's a site. Are our neighbors and um this last probably month to month and a half, uh the our home has been extremely busy. We've been in the middle of campaigning, we've been in the middle of uh a new grandbaby, we've been in the middle of remodeling a large chunk of our home. And to, you know, it's taken taken a time being full to a whole new level. And and so my mom and dad, you know, this week they're like, hey, can we make you guys dinner? Which practically meets a need for me. And it also meets a need for connection to have a time to sit down, which we don't, I haven't had, you know. I there's been the occasional call while on the way to the hardware store. Um, but it's been hard, even though we live really close for that. And I think, I think my mom and dad do an excellent job at, you know, meeting that you throwing the the line of, hey, let's let us make you dinner. It relieved me of my cooking duties and it gave us an opportunity to connect. I would say that was brilliant parenting of a busy adult children by my mom and dad.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

There's always an occasional what we call grandpa breakfast. Yes. They're called grandpa breakfast.

SPEAKER_04 16:11

Yeah. Because it's And if you know, you know. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 16:14

It's a it's a multi-course you know, breakfast that grandma and grandpa put together. Yeah. Um, but you know, Amy's dad does breakfast right.

SPEAKER_04 16:22

Yeah. I mean, I would like to say it. This is like totally a rabbit trail, but my dad has always done breakfast right. Twice. When I was in high school, he I just my brother and I and my mom, we had to leave for school at like 7 20. And every morning my dad at seven o'clock would have a it wasn't a grandpa, he wasn't a grandpa then. It was just dad's breakfast. And I didn't even know to appreciate it. But my dad would make us breakfast every morning. We'd sit at the dining room table, our little family of four, every morning and eat breakfast together.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

I married into it.

SPEAKER_04 16:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:54

I married into the grandpa breakfast.

SPEAKER_04 16:55

Yes, you did.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

And all the grandkids. Oh my goodness. Yeah, grandpa breakfasts are great. How'd we got them? Oh, because they were offering meals every once in a while. It's offering.

SPEAKER_04 17:04

Instead of being offended that we're super busy, my mom and dad just loved us by, you know, I'm just that was an example of even a 53-year-old adult child.

SPEAKER_01 17:12

Injections of need, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:14

Sometimes our worlds are really busy, and and they didn't offer that it because they're offended that we've been so busy. They offered that because they wanted to love us well. And so I think that we need to, as moms and dads, yeah, look for those ways that we can love our kids well and that we can be that bridge builder between relationships and not assume that they're offended. Maybe they're super duper busy and there's going to be some strategic ways that we can reach out and love.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

Yeah. Hook fruit. Yeah, I mean, that's the question is how should I respond? Yeah. And and I think I think the answer is is is not weirdly. Yeah. Don't be weird. Yeah. And and don't make it about you. I mean, and that's super hard. I know these are sometimes not easy answers to these questions. Yeah. Um, but but come with the sword down, um, not looking for your need to be met, um, but just injecting into their lives and ask a lot of questions, um, be supportive. Yeah. Um, but there's nothing wrong with you know, texting, there's nothing wrong with short little calls. Yeah. Hey, I'm just running to the grocery store, I was thinking about you, just wanted to say hi. How are you guys doing? And and just leave it at that. So that's not heavy lifting on the other side either. Yeah. And so you just short little things where they know that when you call, it's not going to have a lot of strings attached and paint and pain attached to it, too. But I feel the pain in the question. Yeah. And so it's real, and I and I I pray for you, whoever uh you know submitted this question, that there will be real connection in your family and that that there will be that desire for cross-pollination and and and living life together and not apart. Um, because I think that's super, super important. So we're we're praying for you in that.

SPEAKER_04 18:47

But the important thing, I think, the distinction when we're having issues like this is that we bring our concerns to the Lord. We bring the worry, we bring the fear, the fear that they're never gonna want to come back. That's all all of that. We can be super raw and honest with the Lord and bring that to him. He can handle all that. That's the place for that. Yeah, those raw, real emotions, and and come before him and then and just begin to uh lay the all the honest feelings at his feet. You know, you can be honest with God and then just ask him for strategy, divine wisdom. He is the greatest bridge builder of all time. The blood of Jesus does that for us. And so bring all of that to him and then ask for him to begin to make the road for the relationship to your children. But if you bring the hurt and pain to your kids, you're gonna widen the gap. So the the hurt and the pain, the struggle before the Lord, raw, honest, seeking him, asking for his answers, and asking for breakthrough because that's what he does. He's the restorer of every breach, and that's what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_01 19:59

Right.

SPEAKER_04 19:59

That's what he does. He's magnificent at that.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

And we and we as parents, you know, if you think about like a college age student going off to school, you know, um, I don't like the word worry, but you know, we think about them and we may want to make sure that they're okay and they're safe. And um, but you know, the Holy Spirit is really good about that too. Yeah, I know that's a very spiritual answer to a practical question, but um, you know, the Holy Spirit will give you insight and wisdom to what is happening, and he'll reveal to the things to you that you need revelation for. Yeah. Um, and so he'll he'll provide some of those kind of things so that you know that they're cared for. Yeah. Um because that's what the Holy Spirit is. He's a comforter. Yeah. Um, and so, you know, so that you can concentrate relationally. And I think that, you know, um I I think it's always important to Amy and I too that we understand that we're parents, yeah, we're not their best friends. Um, we don't need to be buddies with them, and we don't need to have a relationship that's friendship oriented. Um, we get to still be the parent. Yeah, and I think that's beautiful. And so so if there are places, um, you know, especially in their younger, you know, single child in school, you're still the parent. And so there are places where, you know, there's a few times when you know, my daughters have rolled their eyes when I said, you know, are you safe when you're doing and I say, just let me be the dad, is what I say to them. Yeah, just let me be the dad. I have to ask this question. Like when you're out running, yeah, you know, do you do you have something with you?

SPEAKER_04 21:22

It's not pointed at all to any one of our kids.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

Well, do you know what I'm saying, though? And I kind of they kind of I get a little bit of the ah dad thing. Yeah, but the reality is is I just get to be the dad. I'm not their friend, I'm not their buddy. Um, and so there is a place for this where you can inject, you know, and just say, you know, at the end of the day, I'm still the mom. I'm still the dad. I care about you, I just want to know how you're doing. Yeah, and and I think that's perfectly legal and okay. And not only that, I think it's right. Um, and so there's, you know, uh you don't be pushy, yeah. Um, but I I understand the question. Yeah. They they want to be able to communicate and know that everything's going all right. Yeah. Um, so I think that's good.

SPEAKER_04 21:59

Yep, I do too.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

I think it's yummy.

SPEAKER_04 22:02

Do you think it's yummy? I do.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

Parenting is yummy, mostly.

SPEAKER_04 22:06

Sounds funny when you say it.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

And just normal when you say it, honey. Uh, can I close in prayer? Yes. Uh, Father, I'm so grateful to you uh for family, and I and I'm so grateful that we get to be parents. I'm so grateful that we have parents. I'm so grateful that that person asking this question is a parent because it's such a beautiful relationship. It really is yummy what you created for us. Yeah, it's it's a beautiful thing. And so, Father, as we go forward and we navigate these things, Lord God, what you created us to be is connected. Um, you that's it's in our DNA since the Garden of Eden. So, Father, I release over this family supernatural connection. I pray for doors to open, uh, for eyes to see and for ears to hear. Yeah. All the things that need to take place in a healthy family relationship, but there would be no pain, no offense, no hurt, um, and no bitterness. Yeah. And Lord, I pray that for all the families listening and those who are connecting to this, where they where they want to be more connected with a family member, Lord God, I pray for those doors to open through the Holy Spirit because it's right. Yeah. It's right, chiss. It's it's what you've created us to be. And so, Father, anything that the enemy has plugged up, the iron bacteria of the spirit, Lord, that has plugged up the communications uh in families, Lord, I release a hyperjet flow that blow blows that open so that there would be free flow, free flow of words and communication uh and good water pressure in their lives. In Jesus' name. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 23:38

Amen. If you would like to submit a question for Johnny and Amy to answer on a future episode, head over to the FAMology page on our website at goldfam.org, or simply click the link in the caption below. And if you're enjoying the show, be sure to leave a review or a comment wherever you listen to watch. It really helps us out. Thanks for tuning in, and I'll see you next week.