Beyond My Wildest Dreams

How can dreams and visions help us in the darkest moments of life? In this episode I share about our deeply personal journey of faith marked by both loss and unexpected hope. Drawing from my own experiences, I explored how God has spoken to me through dreams and visions, in ways that echo the biblical accounts found throughout Scripture. In one of the most painful seasons of life, where we lost our triplets, God met us with gentleness and purpose. Through spiritual connection with God in the form of dreams and visions, He brought encouragement when words failed and light when grief felt overwhelming. This episode is a space to reflect on how God still speaks today, how He draws near in suffering, and how His presence can sustain us even when life doesn’t make sense.

Transcript

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Hi, I'm Ellie Feel. Thank you so much for joining me on the palace. This is the sixth episode in a series about a book I wrote called Silver Lining: The Story of Summer, Snow and Sky. And in episodes one to five, I actually tell that story of my husband and myself losing triplet boys and how with God's help we were able to heal and recover and some of the keys that really helped us walk through that journey of grief. Last session I talked about the idea of having a faithful father, and I shared about my own experience with an earthly father and how the challenges of that really did bring brokenness into my world. But through God's help, I was able to accept Jesus. I was able to have a new life, a new perspective in life, like a radical change in my own world, but then also was able to see my father in his vulnerability and the things that had affected him in his life, and so gave me compassion for him. I also talked about some father figures in my world that have just brought love and compassion and acceptance to me and strength, and you know, really helped me my identity. But ultimately, I talked about our heavenly father who loves us so much and values us so much that he sent Jesus Christ as his only son to die and rise again so that we can have a relationship with God, the not just a relationship, but a new life in God. And so I'm always going to be eternally grateful for God, the Heavenly Father. In today's episode, I would like to talk about how I actually hear from God, how I communicate with God, how He communicates with me. And so it's called Beyond My Wildest Dreams because as a child I always had dreams. I was a child who'd always remember their dreams and share their dreams. I tell my parents all the time, oh this dream. And most of the dreams weren't very positive, most of them are a bit scary. And so I remembered them and I would share them. I had lots of other experiences with the spirit world, and I didn't make any sense of it. I couldn't understand it, but I would just know to be really careful. You know, I didn't like the dark, I didn't like walking in the dark or being in the dark, as in physical darkness, like at night time. I was always scared that something was going to jump out at me. I had all these sort of thoughts, and I remember just, you know, not really understanding uh why I was having dreams and visions until I became a Christian and understood that there's a spiritual world, very real spiritual world, that we are do engage with at times. And the good news is that God is a ruler over all, and so I do not need to fear that world, I do not need to fear having dreams or visions or anything like that. In fact, God created us to engage in that, and I know that there are probably going to be lots of opinions about this topic because it can be a very contentious topic. So I'm gonna share with you. I'm no biblical scholar, I don't claim to be that, but I do know what God has done through dreams and visions and pictures and prophetic words in my life. So I'm sharing that, and I will actually give you some examples in the book in Silver Lining, where I believe God has spoken to bring encouragement, to bring clarity, to build my faith. So if you look at the Bible, which is the source of all, it is the truth, you know. The Bible is true, and I believe that if I base my beliefs, my life around the Bible, then it's a secure foundation. So when I think about dreams and visions these days, so after I've become a Christian, after I stepped across that that big divide through Jesus Christ, through what he did on the cross, and now I'm entering this relationship with God and I'm exploring things. I still used to get dreams, you know, still get visions and pictures and imaginations, and but these times I knew not to fear because I knew that God was my comfort, my strength, he's always there and promises never to leave me. And so exploring those areas of how my spirit connects with the spirit world has been really different. And so looking at the Bible, what it teaches about dreams and visions and prophetic words, even examples that it gives, like in the Old Testament classic, Joseph with his dreams, and how God used that to actually speak to him and save a nation, you know, how how God rescued people through that. You know, I read about Joseph interpreting dreams for other people as well, and how God elevated him to a place where he was able to help and be useful to that nation and those nations, and then even Samuel, the book of Samuel, where it where Samuel actually hears God's voice speaking to him in the night, and the you know, God used to speak to different prophets in the Old Testament, like Joel and and and actually said in in uh the book of Joel in chapter two, you actually talked about the Holy Spirit, God pouring out the Holy Spirit on his sons and daughters, then prophesying and dreaming dreams and seeing visions. And I'm not quoting that clearly, but it says a prophecy about the outpouring of the Holy Spirit with sons and daughters prophesying, old men dreaming dreams and young men seeing visions. You know, it sort of seems to be like the theme, even in Daniel, where God's given Daniel experiences with dreams and visions. And so in the Old Testament, it was really clear that God spoke to his people through dreams and visions and prophecies. And I know that I'm not those people, like you have to understand the context of it, you have to understand the people of Israel, what God was doing in the big story. I always have that in the back of my mind to think it's got to filter through what God was saying to those people at that time. I can't say that I'm a Daniel and God spoke to me about this picture, and this is means this, you know. I have to actually be a lot clearer in my understanding that there is a you know, this happened, this really happened in history, and what did it mean for the people there? And then what does that show me about God's character and how he speaks to his people back then? But then also, does that actually mean that God's going to give me a vision and I'm going to go to one of our leaders and share that? I'm not sure. But then God also speaks in the New Testament, He talks in Matthew, you know, he spoke to the wise men and warned them, you know, in a dream about Herod, and then Joseph, the story of Mary and Joseph, and so Joseph, Jesus' earthly father, was instructed to flee Egypt to save Jesus' life, their lives. Even Peter has dreams and visions in the New Testament, and you can read that in Acts, and also Paul has visions and dreams, and so you know, Old Testament, New Testament, there seems to be this uh way that God communicates to his people through dreams and visions and words. I think this is a sensitive area because some people have used, I believe, unsanctified imaginations, or they get caught up so much, or they don't base it on the Bible as far as the principles of it. It's seen through a very self-focused way of God speaking. And maybe you'll think that the stories I'm sharing from how I see these visions and dreams might be that way too, but I can tell you that there is fruit out of the way that God has spoken to me. So I wanted to share that because I want everyone who's listening to really understand my heart behind it. I'm not here to teach you how to do it or anything, it's more just this is my experience, this is my story, and this is how God, I believe God spoke to me to encourage me and to help me through this journey. So the first story I'd love to share is on page 43. And understanding that this is in January, the month before we lost our triplet boys, I was pretty um still pretty raw, pretty, you know, uh not pretty raw, sorry, pretty sick from being pregnant. Um, and uh, but I would wait on God, I would spend that that time, that regular time, and uh usually have my journal open, have some sometimes some music playing, and have my Bible right there, and so I could read and write and just take that time out. So the diary entry says on page 43, as I was waiting on as I was waiting on God, I sensed a stirring of a new thing in my heart, a vision for something He is inviting me to be a part of. It was about helping people. I thought of South Africa and then I saw an image of a small school house. That's what I read in my journal. And so if I think of those instances, usually I'm sitting, I'm waiting. You know, sometimes God spoke to me when I was actually just there waiting, but a lot of the time he also spoke to me when I was doing the dishes, or I was you know, cleaning up something or driving somewhere. You know, God speaks to me in all different situations and scenarios, not just when I sit down and wait on him, but this happened to be one of those times where I was waiting and he showed me a specific picture and a theme, and so the you know, the idea of um South Africa could have been, I didn't write it, but it could have been the words South Africa, or it could have been a symbol that related to South Africa, anything from the picture in my mind of Table Mountain or a picture in my mind of the Protea, or you know, someone from South Africa, you know, a relative that lives in South Africa, whatever it was, but somehow in my mind I understood that to be South Africa, and then I saw an image of a small schoolhouse. So I wrote it down, didn't understand what the schoolhouse was, never seen it before in my life, and left it. And then in our story, what happens is we then lose our triplet boys, and our family and friends are so devastated that they actually want to do something, they feel like they want to somehow contribute, and they were most of them are possibly going to buy flowers. So we said, if you know you're welcome to buy flowers, but you know, why don't you consider giving to this organization over in Cape Town where they actually rescue babies and do some good with that money? And so over $15,000 was was given, was donated to this organization, and they were able to build a schoolhouse, a preschool. And we didn't know at all at that stage when I had that picture. I did not know that they even had plans for a schoolhouse. And this the significance of the schoolhouse is that they would be able to then uh help those children who are coming through the safe homes who have severe, some of them have severe developmental issues. They would be able to then help them to nurture them, to teach them their ABCs and their numbers and everything that they need to eventually possibly go into mainstream schooling. And so that was just such, I guess, a a huge confirmation to me that God was already working, He was sovereign, He knew that at some point with these people, these children would need this house. I I don't actually understand how it all works, but I know that he spoke that picture to me, and then later, um, when it was actually it came into being, into reality, Ashley and I were able to go over. I actually taught in that little school, I helped some of the children in that little schoolhouse, and what a blessing it was to know that our boys who had lived for 20 weeks were able to now impact so many lives through the generosity of our family and friends. It was just amazing. That's one picture I had. Another picture I had that God really brought comfort and strength to me through was, and this is after we'd lost our triplets, and it was a really rough part of the season. I was quite raw. I was really struggling, even though in the hospital Ash and I had decided that we would trust God, that we know that God is good, even though things around us are not good at the time. We would not question God, we would um trust Him in this and see and ask Him to do something good through it and to heal us. You know, they were the request we had, even so, we had I had my down moments, as you can imagine, the emotions of it all. And so this was one of those moments, and I was sitting on my bed as I usually would and just waiting on God. Had nothing to say. I was really angry and frustrated and confused and upset. But I opened my Bible on page 60, it says right down the bottom, I opened my Bible, like went back to the Bible. And I I usually have lots of crinkles in my Bible and and you know, like sometimes markers or bookmarks, but I opened up to He Heals the Brokenhearted and He binds up their wounds in Psalm 147, verse 3. I'm gonna read a little bit more about this. So underneath the scripture it says, I told God that I believed those words. The tears flowed from my eyes, and I began to sob. Something welled up deep within, and I groaned. It was an excruciating, mournful groan. It was the type of cry that comes from that hidden, dark place of loss, and it was uncontrollable. I wept for the loss of our precious boys. I offered myself back into his care and asked for help as I humbled myself to his will. Suddenly I sensed a release, and then my pain was replaced with an overwhelmingly hopeful peace. It is hard to describe exactly what peace felt like, but it was what I needed in that moment. My soul drank it in like a weary plant in a scorching, dusty desert. The music played on, and I listened to the words and the sweet melody. Rocking gently to the beat, I felt as if I were a child being held by her singing parent. The peace settled in me, around me, behind me, and in front of me. I could breathe again. I felt relaxed and calm. This was God's holy presence. He had come to meet me in my pain, in my pit of despair. He was near. I opened my journal and began to write. This is my journal entry. I see an image in my mind's eye of a doorway. Three young boys are standing in front of me. They are all wearing short-sleeved shirts and shorts. One boy is wearing a blue shirt, one is wearing a white shirt, and the third is wearing a yellow and blue striped shirt. We're all looking through the frame of this doorway into paradise. It is like no place it is no place like I have ever seen before. It's a perfect place with green trees, stunningly gorgeous flowers, and lush green grass. The colours are vibrant and amazing. Looking through the doorway at this utopia, I feel sad. I begin to cry because I can't step through the doorway to enter that beautiful place with my boys, but I need to say goodbye. Two of the boys run ahead into this beautiful place. They run away. They leave me and run through the doorway and onto a path leading up a green hill with luscious, thick emerald grass. I quickly grab the last boy at the doorway and try to stop him from going any further. I I wrestle with him, my arms are wrapped around him and I hold him tight. He struggles for a while, but makes no sound. I can't let you go, I whisper into his ear. My voice is thick with emotion. He doesn't say anything. I can't see his face or hear his voice, but I hold on even tighter. Then I look up through the doorway. The two other boys are standing on the top of the hill in the distance, and Jesus is standing with them. Jesus smiles at me. I know that they are safe with Jesus. I know that he will take care of them. Through tears, I kiss the top of my boy's curly mop of hair, and I release him. He runs away. The doorway vanishes, and I open my eyes. In the hospital, after we had lost the triplets, Ashley told me that the nurses had cleaned up our babies and had wrapped them in blankets and had put little beanies on their heads. And then they returned the boys to Ashley, and he was able to hold them on his arm. He was able to sing over them a song that I wrote for my dad when he after he'd passed away. He kissed them, he told them that mummy and daddy loved them very much. And they peacefully passed away. And at that time I was not in the place where I could see them. I I spoke before I was very I'm very visual and I didn't want to see them if it was going to be something that I couldn't forget, like in a traumatic way. I just was really struggling. I was a bit in shock, I would say, straight after their birth, and I was really not coping well. So I didn't look at them and I didn't hold them. And Ashley was the one who could, so he did. And he said that he had taken a photo of them on his arm. And I always, you know, after that I was like, Well, that's great, thank you so much. But I don't want to see the photo. After I'd had this vision that I just described to you, this picture, I shared this with Ashley. I told him this is what I saw, this is what God showed me when I was waiting in my frustration and in my anger and my pain. And he said, You have to look at the picture that I took of the boys, and I trust Ash, so I actually looked at it, and in this picture I could see Ash's arm supporting three little babies, and I could see their heads, and on their heads, there was one that had a white beanie, one had a blue beanie, and one had a blue and yellow striped beanie. And there was no way that I could know that. I did not see them in the hospital, um, but how God so beautifully showed me that vision that not only are our boys okay, they're in heaven, that they've been taken care of by Jesus, but that they they're safe, and that I can trust God, that He just showed me that. It brought such incredible comfort to me. And that's the fruit of that vision. I see, you know, that was just a little picture that I had. I sensed God's peace in that time. I released it to him and I sensed his peace when he was sharing that picture with me, and then there was an extra part to it that he was able to show me that he's actually sovereign, he's watching out for us, and it's such a beautiful thing. I'm so grateful to God for that. Another picture that I had, which actually years before it started, this picture I had. I have a beautiful friend called Esther, and Esther and I our friendship was just really funny. We started being friends and instantly clicked. Instantly we thought, yeah, this is somebody I'm gonna be friends with the rest of my life. We started meeting together and praying together and praying for our families, for our you know, our own desires and needs and wants, and for years we would pray and pray, and so one of those times that we were praying, I actually saw a picture of myself standing dressed in you know formal what formal dress, and I had a bump, and it was actually I was standing at Esther's wedding. Now, at the time of this picture, I Ashley and I had not even, I don't think we'd even tried to have children, it was a very long time ago. And Esther at that stage, from what I could understand, was not dating anyone, she wasn't engaged, she wasn't about to get married, but I had that picture, I wrote it down and kept it in my journals. And then fast forward to me actually being pregnant with the triplets, I was reminded of that picture and I kind of thought, huh, this is interesting. Because I'm at that stage I was probably about 15 weeks pregnant, and I thought, oh, this is interesting, because you know, I don't have that much longer to go, and I don't think that Esther is going to be married anytime soon. For some reason I thought that. I didn't know what was really going on and but I didn't she hadn't said anything. And there were no wedding plans that I knew of and so I I didn't it wasn't making sense. I thought oh well that vision or that picture is probably just something in my imagination you know as you pray into something and at the time when Esther and I would pray we pray for lots of different things but you know one of those would be that God you know would give us the desires of our heart that He would you know continue to answer our prayers and you know just assuming that that was some of our prayers or sometimes we probably stated that those were our prayers that we desired that to be pregnant and for Esther to be married. And so you know in my mind I was like oh well okay that's that didn't mean anything let's move on and then we lose our triplets and obviously devastation and I kind of forgot that whole vision then you know if you've read the story or if you've listened to me share about it that we then fall pregnant with the twins. So here I am pregnant with the twins. The d the week that Esther got married was the week that I gave birth to our twins. So earlier in the week I gave birth to the book of twins at 34 weeks and Esther got married a couple of days later and the amazing thing was that they had actually asked me because they I wasn't expecting to go into labor at 34 weeks. We were hoping for 37 weeks and so they had Esther and her fiance had asked me to do a speech or Esther had asked me to do a speech and um at her wedding and I'd said yes thinking that I was going to be fully pregnant not realizing that we were gonna have our children that week. But the amazing thing was that that vision as I was standing up speaking at my friend's wedding I I actually even told the audience about that that that I had been there before in my mind's eye that God had shown me that this was going to happen and I'd shared it in my journal and that it was actually there you know I can even find in my journal that years before that that's what I'd written down. I had a bump and not realizing I wasn't fully pregnant I'd already given birth to my twins. I didn't know all of the details but I knew I had a bump and I knew I was doing a speech and I knew I was at my friend Esther's wedding and so the amazing thing is that God spoke that to me as an encouragement as a strength as you know back in the before it happened for me to continue to pray and believe I hadn't told Esther that until much later but I knew that that's what God was bringing it to me and telling me so that I could be encouraged and that I could continue to pray in that way. In the Bible God speaks to people in pictures dreams and visions he talks to them he shows them where not to go where to go how you know he gives them direction he shows them those things for all different reasons and I'm so grateful that God speaks to me through dreams and visions. I encourage you that if this is an area that's new to you or you are exploring this or interested in more I am not the big the best resource for this is just my own experience with God but I encourage you to seek that out to to read the Bible to study it to find out more about how God speaks because I know that he does speak to us he through his Holy Spirit through his word his the Bible and it's true you can trust God and he does it in a beautiful way. God knows that I'm a romantic that I'm visual and that I love stories and so often I would have stories and pictures and visions in like a series you know where you know one night I might have a dream about something a couple weeks later I'll have the second part you know it's just it's amazing and other things you know sometimes he'll I'll be waiting on him or I'll just be doing something and he'll he'll show me a little picture and I'll write it down and record it and then over a number of days weeks months sometimes even over years he will show me extra parts of that and almost every single time and there are still ones that I haven't seen yet but so many times he has shown me it in real life it's come through not exactly the way that I imagined it you know because I'm human and so I have all my stuff coming through and maybe I've interpreted slightly differently but it has all come through that the the main part of that message or what that encouragement was has come through. God has also used me to speak into the lives of other people to bring encouragement sometimes he gives me pictures or visions or song lyrics or a uh something to encourage somebody else and you know again linking into a few podcasts ago I was talking about healing through helping how having a positive purpose you know they're all using our gifts for others and so not only does God speak to us for ourselves to build strengthen to guide but he also speaks to us for others to build strengthen encourage in their way and so I encourage you read your Bible learn who God is learn who he has created us to be and how he wants us to live and use those experiences encourage if you are somebody who has dreams if you are somebody who has visions you know encourage you look into the Bible look into the story study about them ask people in your world who may have either a similar experience or have wisdom in that area you know go and talk to them about it be encouraged through that be strengthened through that but I just my prayer for you is that God would speak to you and you would have an open heart open ears to hear what he has to say to you I pray that you would see his fingerprints and how he is working in your life that you would know deep inside that he is always working that he is a faithful God that he will never leave you nor forsake you that if you have given your heart to Jesus that he has given you his Holy Spirit and that you would explore that and discover the good things that God wants you to do in and through the