Black Girl Diagnosed - Black Autistic Kayla

In this episode of Black Girl Diagnosed, we’re joined by Kayla Smith, an autistic disability justice advocate, creator of #BlackAutisticPride, and passionate voice for Black autistic representation.

Kayla shares her journey as a Black autistic queer woman and reflects on how advocacy, community, and self-discovery have shaped her life. We discuss the importance of self-acceptance, embracing every part of your identity, and what it means to take pride in being both Black and autistic in a world that often misunderstands both experiences.

Kayla also opens up about her advocacy work, the inspiration behind #BlackAutisticPride, and why creating space for Black autistic voices remains so important. This conversation is a powerful reminder that authenticity, visibility, and community can be transformative.

Tune in for an inspiring discussion about identity, pride, and the journey of becoming your truest self.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Welcome back to Black Girl Diagnose. Today we're joined by Kayla Smith, an autistic disability justice advocate dedicated to amplifying Black autistic voices and creating greater representation within the autism community. Since beginning her advocacy work in 2017, Kayla has used her platform to raise awareness about the intersection of autism and race and to celebrate the experiences of Black autistic people. She is the creator of Black Autistic Pride, a movement centered on embracing both blackness and autism with pride. In addition to her advocacy, Kayla recently earned her master's degree in accounting and is working towards becoming a certified public accountant. We're excited to have her with us today. She's someone that I have followed since I got on Instagram and since I started doing advocacy. So we're really happy for you to be here, Kayla, and welcome to Black Girl Diagnosed. I'm happy to be here. Thank you, thank you. So let's just get right into things. Um, um, because I I know that these are things that like a lot of people want to know who who don't already know who you are. Um can you share your journey as a black autistic queer woman and how each part of your identity has shaped who you are today?

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Yes, definitely. So a little bit about me. I was diagnosed, you know, being autistic at two years old, and I'm from North Carolina. So I'm the youngest of seven. Well, the six on my dad's side, and the you know, the second youngest on my mom's side. So basically, you know, of course, you know, you know, being black, okay, you know that first before everything. Yes. Black culture, you learn about Mother Little King. Didn't you know, talk about black history, you know, uh history, especially being in America. And at the same time, I'm not aware, you know, by my autism at the time, while I was young. I just being a kid, not being aware, but uh but I kind of noticed whether I'm going to speech therapy growing up, um, speech therapy, and also being with people like also have a same disability as me or different. And I I didn't know that at first, but you know, and also as well having somebody, you know, thinking they were babysitting me, but the whole time that guy helped me um working on my vocational skills. Mm-hmm. Growing up until high school. So even throughout my life, like I I'm knowing kind of weird, but I can't explain why I was weird until learning about my diagnosis I was 10 when my mom told me about it. And I'm like, oh, okay, blah, blah, blah. But, you know, going for middle school and high school, I think I struggle with myself accepting about my disability, like wish I was normal, why I'm thinking this way. And yes, I got bullied for for how I think things. You know, it just for a long time it's just I was like really like angry and wish I was normal color vibe and trying to suppress my artistic trait so I could fit in, you know, journey that one. And thought about, you know, you know, unaligning myself at 16, but I didn't do it. But I kind of struggled with my artistic identity for a very long time. And then not only that, I was struggling with my sexuality as well. I was confused. You know, I do like God, but do I like girls? You know, it's kind of like going on as well, as well as, you know, going for my spirituality. Because, you know, I was going to church in and out growing up. But you know, it's like in and out, but even I thought quiz thing about why me God, why I have to be autistic. Blah, blah, you know. I kind of struggle with that for a long time as well as and you know, being a black woman in America, it's just a lot thing. It it is.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

And I I definitely I feel you on everything that you're saying, um, growing up, being confused, knowing that you're different, being bullied, and you know, probably just four years ago I realized that I was asexual. So so many things that you're saying right now, I'm like, oh my God, I feel this so much.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Yeah, it just then, you know, I think um f three years later, no, when I first started on Twitter now X, then when I thought I learned about the discipline community as well as autism community. And then when I started to I learned about my, you know, internalized ableism and kind of brace it a little bit at the same time. And then I thought to learn, you know, about autism and race and find out that black artistic people are more likely to be misdiagnosed due to, you know, the racism and the sex, you know, all this stuff, right? But I did some little research on girls and all to them, but not about race. But I think I did before, but it wasn't much information back then. But more now because people speaking now, I'm speaking now, and then other people speaking now about all the ways and all that jazz. As I just talk about intersectionality, some people, you know, mostly who are privileged don't understand why why you gotta talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

Yes, I g I get that on the side.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

Not everybody like you, honey.

SPEAKER_00 6:13

And that's why I black people, because I hate when I special I especially hate when they come to my page and I'm speaking about my experience as a black autistic woman and something that I went through. And a white autistic person will be like, oh, it's not just you black people, I went through that too. And I'm just like, first of all, it's nothing is gonna be the same for us because you don't understand black culture and you also don't understand your privilege.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

Exactly. And that they're just seeing that part right where my advocacy before I thought I say deuces in 2021. And I never went back there. I think mostly white artistic, you know, artistic, um, white artistic peers or privilege artistic, they did not realign they what they the thing they be saying, it'd be like anti-black, whole lot of racist and whole lot of internalized ableism.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

It's yeah, they they don't, and that just that that's the the perfect thing to say, like for the next question that I have for you. You created black autistic pride. So was was this something that inspired you to start the movement? And what does black autistic pride mean to you personally?

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Yeah, well, you know, of course I learned by myself and being autistic and also doing someone research. I'm like, autism, you know, and blood. I'm like, why they know redness? I'm like, that is interesting because how artism being displayed in the media and also research and how autism was displayed at the beginning of time when they first introduced to the world as a a white guy who artistic and privilege. And that's how girls, black and brown people get misdiagnosed because due to the, you know, what being displayed. And but things had changed, but it's still, you know, white guy with all the buttons. It kind of shifted now the white woman with who I teach or appear, you know. It just it's a wild thing. When I first, you know when I first introduced it, it kinda like wandered at first, but then I kind of thought about it. It happened during autism awareness month, back in 2018. It kind of weathered at first. When I kind of put a thought to it and then called doing my tiny bit of research on it, I like, yeah, we need spread awareness. Like I know like I had to be proud being black, cuz black before everything.

SPEAKER_00 8:48

That's how that's always always I always say that. I'm like, I'm gonna always defend my race before I defend my disability.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

Mm-hmm. And like I know, like I said with black pride, you know, ever since I could remember. But then I kind of struggled with autism. My life, what's the baby bo? Black autistic, but it was autistic black pride. But no cool I changed it a few years later and turned it to black because I'm black before everything, so that's right, that's right.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Like self-acceptance can uh I I know for me, at least it was a long journey, and it's a long journey for many autistic people. Um, what did your path to accepting yourself look like and what lessons have you learned along the way?

SPEAKER_01 9:36

Hmm, what lesson? Ooh. Yeah, my my old self, my teenage self, preteen, I was struggling who I am. Maybe I have a little bit of identity crisis, but I'm no being black. Okay. But of course, you kinda, you know, being black, you know, in general, you like you can't do such a oh black people don't do this, blah blah blah, you know, but I begin saying like you act white, you know, I guess, you know, different interests, but it is I know majority of the time you used to be surrounded by my, you know, be my my artistic identity, you know, struggle with that for pretty much for a very long time. Of course, being a woman, I had no problem with that. But my sexuality, I kind of questioned it throughout my year until I came out five years ago as bisexual. Um so for me to be autistic, I did not like myself. I was a miserable woman. My mindset was You're allowed to curse here. I just wanted to throw that in there like I could the world I'm living, like, I was so fucking negative. It don't make sense. You see no homie, I was so negative. It don't make no sense. I was angry and was info and built as being an angry black woman. But it just over the years I learned by my you know, I learned by unlearned about my disability. I learned about a lot of things and culture, like what what people want you to be, because your race, your gender, your sexuality, your disability. All my life I be putting in a box.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:46

Whether it be family, friends, society. And I always kind of question it for a very long time, like, uh why I'm doing it. And every time I try to fit the side, I do not please myself. Right. And now I'm older, I'll like fuck these standards. I'm these standard.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

Like I'm not here to please others.

SPEAKER_00 12:11

I here to please me. That's how that's how I feel. And like, you know, when I got diagnosed, I didn't tell anyone for a long time. I was like, black people aren't autistic. This is bullshit. They don't know what they're talking about, they're not diagnosing me correctly. But you know, I was autistic and once I accepted it, it made sense. I'm like, okay, bitch, well, this is why you can't do this. This is why you communicate the way you communicate, this is why sometimes you don't communicate. So so many things made sense because you know, I'm late diagnosed. I was I'm a millennial, I was only diagnosed about 10 years ago. So um learning about my diagnosis, I was just like, because I was called like the angry black woman, but I'm like, well, even if I was, black women have every right to be angry. Look how we're treated in this world. We're the most disrespected people in the country, in the world. So everybody just thought, yeah, she's the angry black woman, and nobody even took into consideration that I might be autistic or I might be, you know, be neurodivergent, have some type of neurodivergency. So like the way that we are sometimes labeled by others, they don't understand how that can rub off and then we start to like put those things in our mind that, oh yeah, well, maybe I am this or maybe I am that. But I I'm I'm personally not a fan of like um white people like minding too much black business that one.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

This like what I put to say and nothing. They keep forgetting that not every black person is saying.

SPEAKER_00 13:50

Yes, exactly. And like while I appreciate my allies, sometimes you do have to also remind your white allies that this particular topic is not for you to speak on. You can share it, you can like it, you can leave comments, but this is not for you to speak on because you you don't experience a black culture, so there's no way for you to know how these things affect us. So I I like I said I appreciate our my allies, but sometimes they they do overstep because they're again they're still not understanding their white privilege.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

Yeah, definitely. Like I kind of like left the artist community because that one, of course, the racism part, whole lot of internalized able in the artist community. Like I kind of know it's like we're very unhill, unhill from our own experience growing up, and we kind of lash out on the parent, which I probably did, I will admit it. But I kind of noticed a little bit, they kind of put it out on black parents. Feel they try to understand about autism, and I know something they do that. Like, oh, this you the pose are like baby. Hold on. They kind of be hard on the black parents. They were they the counterpart. Like I noticed that a little bit. I'm like, well, yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

I've had people say to me, like, oh, well, you know, how did your parents miss you being autistic all the time? And I have to tell them, I'm like, again, I'm a millennial. Back then, what black autistic person did you see? What black autistic representation was there? I'm like, and first of all, also my parents were young. They didn't even know what anxiety was. I had bad anxiety at night. They didn't know what that was, they didn't know any of that. And it was even one point, like when I was going through that period of like, you know, trying to navigate from being a teenager to a young adult, and I couldn't do it. And I couldn't do it. And my parents were pushing me, but I had already like gone as far as I could, but since they didn't know that I was autistic, I kind of got like pushback from them and they were like, Oh, you're just being lazy and you don't want to do anything, but I was trying my best. I just like developmentally couldn't go any further than I had already gone. So, um black but black parents do get blamed a lot, but I feel like it it it it's unfair because who has taught and educated black parents about autism.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

My mom now know about autism at the time. West and peace, my mom. My mom had passed away last year.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

Grief is hard for um autistic people. I know it's hard for everybody, but we we carry it differently. Um I lost my mom like a few months before I got diagnosed, so she never even found out like why I was so difficult or why I was so different. Um definitely something that I wish she could have learned, but um, you know, it just didn't happen. But I wanted to ask, um, why is it so important for black autistic people to see themselves represented in the autism community and in advocacy spaces? Me personally, I don't feel like like a lot of autistic spaces are safe for black autistic people.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

Yeah, like, you know, especially when I first joined the autistic community, it mostly I'll pay him mostly privilege. And it just implies like go back to how artists being represented and who are who are being represented in the in the community and that's how our voices get big, you know, pushed to the side. And I will let that like, you know, I like me turn out, even I said like spread out voices and t share our experience, because I ain't I ain't see no uh black artistic person growing up, so I kinda my own person and also know people, you know, who I grew up with in school who also are to say and black.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:06

We need more weapons We need some more people who look like us. It couldn't fair because n like all or or or people say artist is a spectrum. It's not gonna be the same for every autistic person. Whether it comes to race, gender, sexuality, different disability, class, we're gonna be different. Like it is very important to share my experience because there probably black parents out there who probably don't know what the hell autism is.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

And I don't blame the go-to stereotype about autism. There is terribly like there was just a post the other day. I don't follow the mother, but I see her videos all the time. She showed her daughter having um, you know, a meltdown. And it was just like most of the negative comments was from black people. And I was like, you know, this is just like a lack of education. And I know sometimes people just want to go viral and stuff like that, but some of the comments were disgusting, and I'm just like, you know, this again is from like the lack of education and the way that autism has been stigmatized in the black community. Just like even mental health is still severely stigmatized in the black community. So imagine autism and other disabilities.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

Yeah, definitely like, and also I feel because due to basic black people in America having been through slavery, drink for a role, all this stuff. We just spend trauma after trauma and racing after wasting. We kind of in survival mode. But joining the time. Yes, and it could be why it could be why our parents, our family trying to put in that survival mode because, you know, being black in America, it could be oversaddle your disability, who also got shot up or put in, you know, in jail because miss understanding and we all get criminalized and all this stereotyping. Yeah, that's what I always do not say.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

Not not at all. And I always and I always say this. I'm like, you know, black children get pu punished and criminalized for things that white children get support for. So as someone who has chosen to live authentically, um, you know, sharing that you were bisexual, what does being true to yourself look like today compared to when you first started your advocacy journey?

SPEAKER_01 20:39

But now like I am accepting who I am as a person. Like, I'm not the same person I once was who's trying to be people pleaser, trying to fit somebody society box. Uh if God made me as I am, this is who I am. I didn't come down in this damn earth to please people. I'm here to please me. And I kind of will like that and of course talking to myself. You know, I be talking to myself all the time like, damn, damn. Right. Like I think, I think people and ain't living authentically because they're trying to fit this somebody else's standards. I try to do that myself. Look at got me. Have a mental breakdown, not liking myself throughout the years. And now ever since I went to therapy back in 2021 and things like that, and I thought I'd learn by myself. I'm like, dang. I think the reason I keep doing the thing, I try to please others, and I was not pleasing myself. I was miserable for a long damn time. And I realized for the first time in my life, I'm not trying to please people. I'm just gonna be my authentic self. Yes, it's gonna be hard because of course. that had to be in survival mode due to who I am in the society just being careful but and also like I know throughout my life you know you try to stand up for justice like they want you like Kayla I get it but don't say this word this word and I'm like just like we're going there with um around the world right now I have not been doing it for a minute because I would go to school because you be affected with what you say you need me and I get a job because of this and I have thought about you know make my like my social media private but now I realize I ain't gonna make a private like I don't want to be silent. Right and you shouldn't have to be so my last my last question um well not the last question but winding things down um what message would you give to black autistic people especially like those who um may be struggling like with self-acceptance or feeling like they don't belong just find your own people and yes it was gonna be hard which I had experienced you know I was younger struggled with acceptance got find people accept you who you are and maybe put you in a bar and may not want to befriend you if you miss you have autism or being autistic people put you in a box because they don't want to be friend with you because that even though I had no parliamentarian people have autism right even people be surprised that I'm autistic they like I thought autism probably did such a way I was like it may be true but you keep forgetting not every autistic person is the same.

SPEAKER_00 24:03

Yeah and I don't know how long it's gonna take for people to realize that because it's said all the time. So that's why I'm just like have you been listening? Do you listen to anything that autistic people have been trying to tell you and that autistic people have been trying to educate you about but I I can really relate where you say that it is it is hard to make friends and um you know I don't have a lot of friends I have I know a lot of people and I have a lot of acquaintances but I don't have a lot of friends.

SPEAKER_01 24:34

I don't really have social skills and then sometimes it's people's ignorance they're like oh well you know she's autistic she's probably a little weird I don't want to be her friend so I I feel that when you say that it it's hard to make friends because it really is even I got my master even it's kind of hard for me find some connections so I'm kind of struggling that a little bit and also networking. It just I think I don't want to like I don't mind talking to people but I'm kinda scared that people might put me in box like oh she kind of weird and not knowing that I might be know this thing or at you know I'm being artistic they kind of put me in the box like like a mission. People put me in a box all my damn life and I'm kinda getting sick of it and you can't accept me as I am forget you and kiss my booty ho and kiss my ass I fuck you and kiss my ass yeah like Joe like make a side say fuck you like you can't accept me as I am what is the point and I don't have many friends either I I'm very like have few friends. Like seem like majority of the time I could late to the most people have a disabil same have same disability as me or different disability. But we could relate and that's the sad part. But and even people you know and even friends that they don't understand how your know this how being artistic or being no distinct impact impact your life they don't understand that something kind of something they be hard on me and then not understanding why I had to go through you know all the changes especially your teacher all the changes like with my mom for example for example she passed away from bone cancer in October of course then with grief. Then I'm taking care of my daddy who then with Parsons disease it's just a whole lot of shift in me try to juggle like what the be going on and going to school and say dang and working.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

And then I got my masters laughing I did the damn thing like I feel I persevere I this it seems like I I persevere every damn thing whether I be in a mental state like you know depressed I just persevere I don't know how the hell I did it well well the thing the the that's okay if you don't know how you did it the point is that you did it you know you got your masters that's some that's something I could never do because um you know just because of some of my developmental challenges like sometimes people can't tell like talking to me or looking at me but I did try to um go to college and I I just it it just wasn't something that I was capable of doing. So big congratulations on that. I think it's amazing. I'm always rooting for you when I see your post I'm like you know I'm so proud of her and I'm just always rooting for her. She was one of the first people that I started following her advocacy has always been really important and something that everybody needs to see. So this can just bring me into my next question. Do you have any recent projects that you'd like to share?

SPEAKER_01 27:52

I'm aware of but for now I'm trying to find me a county job at this moment and trying to live life or I could you know find you know speak at different events if I see the opportunity like autism and black conference I did like twice. Oh wow and um but other than that if I see more opportunity to speak things like that or be on the podcast it don't matter like I kind of removed myself with the general artist community five years ago because of all the racism shit in the community but I kinda separate from that so I'm just kinda focused on like black artistic uh pride you know foc on the black community you know about yeah ain't nothing wrong with that but um so what do you want people to take away from this interview it's just you know one not every artistic person is the same especially a black artistic person that everybody live experience gonna be different every time don't put people the ball and if you if you know someone or your family friend do not isolate them they need help too what if what if you they friends but you no longer here they need they need help. Right thank you um where can everyone find you well y'all can follow me on Instagram oh lord I think black artistic pride um tick tock oh lord I do have LinkedIn but I try not to put um well you are on YouTube because I am subscribed to you yes black artistic pride black artistic Kayla black artistic Kayla on um yeah Instagram TikTok and yeah YouTube I think I do have X I think I put Kayla being me if I believe and um but I do have a group thing called No Diversity in Black but I had not be doing because I was in school but I'm gonna try to get back at it life been life for me.

SPEAKER_00 30:26

Yes. Same same here I just said that to somebody the other day I was like you know people that know me know that life has really life to me but um I wanna just thank you again so much for coming joining me today speaking with me for sharing your powerful story and your wisdom with our guests uh to our listeners thank you for tuning in to Black Girl Diagnosed your presence and support means everything share this podcast with somebody who you think may need to learn more about black autistic women or who just might enjoy the podcast so until next time take care and keep advocating with love