Black Girl Diagnosed - Tiara Henderson

In this episode of Black Girl Diagnosed, we’re joined by Tiara, a Haitian American autistic mom raising two autistic children. Tiara shares her journey of learning to parent while also discovering herself as an autistic adult, and how her late diagnosis transformed the way she understands her needs, her family, and her identity.

Together, we discuss parenting neurodivergent children, navigating autism within the Haitian community, and the importance of creating affirming spaces for Black and Caribbean autistic families. Tiara also opens up about finding joy again through fandoms and content creation, and how those communities became an unexpected source of connection, healing, and support.

This episode is a heartfelt conversation about identity, parenting, culture, and embracing your authentic self. Tune in for an inspiring discussion on what it means to build community, find belonging, and thrive as a Black autistic woman.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Welcome to Black Girl Diagnose. Today we're joined by Tierra, a Haitian American autistic mom raising two autistic children. Her journey is about learning to parent while also discovering herself as an autistic adult, honoring her needs, leading with empathy, and creating an affirming home for her family. Tierra shows us how navigating the world as an autistic adult reshaped her understanding of care, identity, and connection through her love of fandoms and content creation. She found community in unexpected places, building relationships that become a source of strength and support. So we're excited to have her here. Welcome to Black Girl Diagnosed.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

So let's just dive right into things. Um, what has parenting an aut parenting autistic children taught you about yourself as an autistic adult and how has it shaped the way you approach your family?

SPEAKER_01 1:11

Um it's taught me a lot of patience, which I think with parenting in general, patience is something you kind of have to have with kids. But with autistic kids, it was so much more patience because it was not knowing, you know, my daughter, for example, there was a time we had a road trip, she was having an autistic meltdown. I'm over-stimulated, everything, but I have to calm my kind of calm myself down because I know if I'm overstimulated, it can make it worse for her. So it's like me, I've learned how to kind of deal with my symptoms to input their needs first. And but that's why having that alone time as a parent is important too, because I need to make sure that I'm okay also so that I can have the patients to parent them. So it's kind of like a cycle. It's like, all right, I'm gonna give you everything, and then now I'm like, okay, I need me, so I need a refill. Right. So that we don't because we've had moments where all three of us are overstimulated and it was just crying, screaming, yelling, everything. It was just one big meltdown of all people, and then it just went silent, and then I go in the room. I'm like, I'm sorry, mommy, like, you know, you gotta apologize, let them know that, you know, I'm sorry, I lost my thing. My son does it too. He's pretty good at he's starting to understand, you know, how he reacts affects other people. Yeah. And so he'll come in my room and say, Mom, I'm sorry that I was so aggravating towards you earlier.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

You're not aggravating, you're just learning.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

So it's a lot, but it's something that I'm just used to now. And it's just it's my life.

SPEAKER_00 2:59

Yeah, okay. So receiving a late diagnosis can be life-changing. Um, I know when I got diagnosed, um, it it was life-changing to me. So um what emotions came up for you when you realized you were autistic and how did it shift your self-understanding?

SPEAKER_01 3:21

It was it was kind of weird because going through their diagnosis, I'm like, it was kind of a jelly, oh, that sounds like me, huh? You know, kind of thing. And then slowly as they kept going, I was like, Am I autistic? And then my friends would say something, you know, there's people close to me that were like, maybe you should get a diagnosis. And I'm like, okay. And then when they were like, Yeah, so you have autism, I was like, Hey, yeah. And then when I hung up off the thing, I was just like, oh yeah, like just crying. I didn't understand why. Like, I didn't know if it was good or bad cry. It was just and I sat, you know, with it for a little bit, and I think it just was like started thinking about things throughout my life. I'm like, that makes so much sense. And it's like, oh my gosh. I was like, and random moments will pop up throughout the day. It could be something from junior high, and I'm like, okay, that's why, you know, and so it's just so funny how I like deal with, but it's like having that diagnosis and it's like affirming things that you may have already been thinking. And it's like, okay, so I know I'm I'm not just weird or quirky and stuff. There's reasons why I do certain things, there's reasons why I react to certain things the way I do. And having that was just it starts to become like a you know, weight lifted off my shoulders.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Yeah, definitely. And and I know that like be because like, you know, growing up being undiagnosed, you know you're different, but you don't have a word for it. So once you can name what it is, it just you're like, okay, I could take a deep breath and now I know why I'm different because I know that there are other people like me and there once you can name something, it just changes everything. Yeah. You talked about you talked about um rediscovering happiness through fandoms and creating content. Um, how did creativity and community help you reconnect with joy?

SPEAKER_01 5:30

It was well when did it kind of COVID was kind of when it really started because everyone's at home. And that's when I started Disney bounding. And that just brought out a different cause stay-at-home mom, a lot of my stuff was just yoga pants and a t-shirt, that's it. And being able to kind of find these different outlets of like, oh, I'm gonna create this character out of these clothes and stuff like that, my brain just started thinking in a different way. And seeing being able to share it with people and have people go and switch ideas and say, hey, I have this shirt. And I have my friends go, oh, this character, this character. I remember when you had you wore this outfit, maybe you can do this character and just interacting like that. That it just made my like my mind would be like, oh my gosh, I have so many people who can help me. Like when I get stuck, I have this community who can kind of get me out of that. And even from there, it was kind of moved to makeup and I was doing makeup looks. I remember I did an avatar, like literally the blue avatar people face makeup. I never thought I would do face makeup and things like that.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

I know I I can't do that. Like you know, doing that? I I like I see people do stuff like that, and I'm like, oh my god, that's so cool. I wish I could do that. Like I have other I artistic skills, but I do like love to see people do makeup and I love to see people find ways to like creatively express themselves because I don't think people understand how important creative expression is, and I don't think people understand how therapeutic art is. Yes, and even painting, I started painting, coloring.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

Um, my kids paint and color and my son makes videos, like full-on videos of with the editing. Both of them can create, animate, and edit their own videos. That's that's it. And they're both self-taught, which still trip my daughter does her own music and videos for it or or voiceovers, and it's always it makes me laugh because the music will the music all sounds the same because it's the same little tone tone that she has and she goes, good, good, good, good, like she doesn't think that. And I just laugh because I'm like, she's it's just so it warms my heart to see like them doing all of these artistic outlets. And I was like, what made you do that? Like, you were doing stuff too. I wanted to try, and so then they start doing all of that. So it's funny because how this Disney community kind of influenced me and then in return influenced my kids. So that's something I'm always gonna be grateful for for this community.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Yeah, we learned about true um through cat. Cat leasing. That's how we learned.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

They call her they call her Auntie Kat. Like she's like they love her.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

Okay, because um, you know, I when I go and I peek at people's page, I'm like, oh, this is really cool. But I always try to like ask people who do you think would be great to come on? And I remember her tagging you, and I was like, Oh, okay, well, you know, I told my guest coordinator to um, you know, let's try to make this happen. So how does your identity as a Haitian American influence the way you understand and talk about neurodivergence?

SPEAKER_01 9:07

It has changed because before I did not speak out about anything that I was feeling because it was not I'm trying to figure out basically my my grandma was saying she's like this is white people stuff, this isn't real. Oh yeah, I understand. This isn't you, you're crazy.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Especially with with with older generations.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

Yeah, and it was one of those things because I would hear kind of how it was talked about with other people, like even on TV or things like that, and I'm like, I can't like I was in teen years, I had such bad depression, but I was always like basically masking. I'm like, okay, I'm happy I'm this, but and then I would get upset about things. They didn't understand why I'm upset, and it's then it's disrespectful and it's this, and it was so much stuff that was happening, and I'm just like, I want someone to hear me, like I want to be able to have my voice, and I can't because it's seen as this in my culture, and it was so much to the point where I don't know if this is like a trigger warning, but I would cut, like I was cutting at one point when I was really like young teens. And then I was like, oh my gosh, if they see this, they're gonna like put me in an institution and things like that. So I remember they saw it one time. My aunt's like, what happened? I was like, I fell in the rose bush, which was believable because I was clumsy and I fell all the time. So I was able to do that, but my mom, because I wasn't living with my mom at the time, I was living with my grandma and my aunt, which is the Haitian side. And my mom was like, she could talk to me on the phone and she's like, Something's wrong, something's wrong. You can tell me, and I was like, No, it's fine. Like she understood, she was a nurse, so she understood all of this stuff, and therapy was normal to her, but on my dad's side, it wasn't like that. I was like, everybody could have benefited from therapy and that like that at some point, but it wasn't it, yeah. It took a while for me to see to actually be like, okay, let's try therapy, let's do this and help myself. I remember uh I told my dad that my daughter was diagnosed, the first thing he was saying, oh, it's the vaccines. I'm just like, okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:30

And you know, like you s and to some degree, like, you know, this is not really their fault that they believe that because, you know, the way society likes to blame things or um, you know, dehumanize autism, like it's the worst thing in the world. Um, I remember hearing a lot about um vaccines causing autism during the pandemic. So some people didn't want to take the COVID shot. I couldn't take the COVID shot because I'm immunocompromised and you know, I I just couldn't get it. But it and it was just like the the things people hear about autism most of the time are are not true. So you just kind of sometimes I'm just like, you know, I I am an advocate, but sometimes I'm just like, I don't feel like it. And I just yeah don't even address the issue. Um I can definitely relate I went through my um self-harm period and but I was really good like at hiding it and I think only one time like my aunt saw it and she was like what happened to you and I didn't even answer her but they got really suspicious because it was like 80 degrees outside and I had on jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt so yeah like it it I definitely under understood that part um so um what do you wish more families especially within Haitian or Caribbean communities understood about autism and neurodiversity?

SPEAKER_01 12:58

That it's it's not a bad thing. Yeah. It's they always see it's like almost like it's frowned upon. I'm like, but if you and my family can they see that now especially because they see my kids and how they're still thriving, all of the things they can do, the light that shines, especially my daughter, like people see they go, oh my, she has like an aura about her, like everyone loves her. Like I see at school, I drop her off and she's like there's people like because she's in, you know, um what they call pairs, so it's all the has the kids with disabilities and special needs. But she walks through and all the neurotypical kids are hi Tatiana, hi she's like no eye contact, just kind of waving at them and oh my gosh, like but you know, she's on the pet squad. So she does that with them. She doesn't do it the full time like the rest of the girls because it is a lot. But when they have events, she's there with them with her pom-poms doing the things and stuff and smiling. And so it's like if you feel like okay, this autism, and you just think negative, negative, negative, that's what you're gonna bring into it. I came in knowing I'm gonna be positive with my kids, like in general, and then when we got the diagnosis, I'm like, all right, we're still gonna work this out. And that's how you end up having that happiness with your kids. And I just follow their lead, like what they need, how they're feeling, I let them express themselves. I know expressing yourself sometimes is I wasn't always able to do that. My son, we have dialogue. He goes, if he goes, mom, you're wrong. It's like, or you lied. He'll tell me and I go, you know what, you're right. I'm sorry, and stuff like that. If I said that to like my family when I was younger, oh, it would be I would have got slapped in the mouth. It's like automatic. And so I just tell them, I'm like, hey, you can disagree and stuff, just make sure you do it with respect, you know?

SPEAKER_00 15:11

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

And I and I'm like, if you're feeling yourself in that there's times where he like, if they just need to vent, I let them just do that. And I wasn't able to do that. I had to vent to friends or to other people, and I didn't I always felt scared going to my family, yeah, and expressing myself. My kids come to me, they go, hey, can we talk?

unknown 15:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

So that is such a beautiful thing because I remember being in trouble all the time because I was just trying to get clarity, but you know, being black, it's like you're talking back, you need to be respectful. Um, I already said this and you're still talking back. And most of the time, all I wanted was clarity. I was just trying to understand something. So it is really a beautiful thing that you know your kids feel comfortable and that you give them, um, you know, like they're comfortable enough to talk to you about that. That that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Yeah, that was the one thing I said when I just found out I was pregnant. I was like, I just want my kids to be, and I can actually do that with my mom, but my mom, it's black, I don't it it does have differences with a black American and a Haitian American parent, you know. She was more just open with things. I don't know if it was because of her nursing and things like that, but she was just always I was 10 and she was like, hey, we got period questions, we got this and all this stuff. She explained everything. When I got my period, I was still at my um my grandma's house and I was like, I started and I just got handed the I was like, here you go.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

I was like, well, I I had a similar experience. I was eight when I got my cycle and like my mom was black and she just kind of she she did that. She was like, oh, here you go, here's some pads. You're gonna be, you're gonna get this, you're gonna have this for a really long time, and that was it. Like I was just like, oh my god, I'm bleeding. My dad actually like went to the library and got like this, I don't even know what it was called, but it was like this videotape that like talked about like periods for kids and stuff like that, because I was just really just throwing a bag of pads, like, okay, well, and I know in a way like she was like in shock because you know it is pretty young to have your cycle, but I was just like, what's wrong with me?

SPEAKER_01 17:34

Yeah. So it's like I'm already ready for it. I'm I'm actually scared for when my daughter answers, 'cause I'm like, I've never dealt with it with autism.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

I mean, I well myself, but you know that. But hers is different because she's not she's verbal, but it's not, you know, the way I can have I can't have full conversations with her. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

You know that like autistic women, we do have a harder time on our cycle. I just can't think of what it's called right now, but like there's been research that we struggle more on our cycle than neurotypical women. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

And so and I've talked to her doc her doctor's like, let me know. She's like, we're gonna try it, see how it goes. If not, we can always stop it until she seems like she's older and can handle it, you know. Yeah so having and then black doctor, awesome, black woman doctor. So um, we're like, we've been prepared. That was the thing because I don't I never thought I would have to ask the doctor, hey, what do I do when she has her period? Because I was like, I know how it works and stuff, but with this, it's different. Yeah. And I never knew, and that was another thing because when you said that, my period, I was like, it was horrible. My mom was like, Do you have endometriosis? Like, do you have this? Like, because it would be everything just seemed so much worse than what my friends were going through. I'm like, you're on your period. I'm like, how are you even functioning? Like I could not function like half of the time.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

I used to like, I only went to high school for one year before I was homeschooled. But I when I had my cycle, I couldn't stay in school all day. I I would just like not go and then I'd or I'd go and then I'd have to leave half of the day. And you know, you got girls in gym with their cycle and they playing volleyball. I'm like, how are you doing this? I just I didn't I didn't understand it. So do you have any recent projects you'd like to share?

SPEAKER_01 19:46

Uh well right now I have um a podcast with one of my friends. So it's uh movies, magic and melanin. So nostalgia thing. So a lot of the 90s and early 2000s movies we review and talk a lot of times. I'm unhinged on that because I just have so much to say about certain movies and yeah, that's pretty cool.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

Like I I would I I I gotta see it because you know when we watch something, I'm a millennial, so when we watch something as a child, you once you when you watch it again as an adult, you're like, is this the same movie that I saw when I was a child?

SPEAKER_01 20:32

It seems to be like almost a common theme of most every episode because there's looking at it from a child's perspective and then looking at it from like a parent's perspective also, like from an adult, but then with certain scenes, I'm like, oh no, see if that was my kid, uh-uh. And then but years ago I was siding with the kids.

SPEAKER_00 20:53

Right. And is it it's just really funny how like your perspective and your views on things change as like you know, you you start to grow, but that's really cool. Congratulations.

SPEAKER_01 21:04

Thank you. So there's that. I I am trying to get back into just my fashion and makeup things. I've been working so much and trying to get um a new position in my company. So I've just been working and sleeping and not really creating as much as that's okay. We always have to recharge. Now I was just like, you know what, it's fine. I don't think anyone's gonna be upset that I'm not posting anything, so it's okay. But um, so I'm trying to get back into that. I do have a Disney uh hopefully Disney World trip coming up in April ish. So definitely content from that because it's gonna be a flower and garden festival over there, so that sounds really cool. So just trying to kind of figure out my path and kind of where I want to kind of take my content creation.

SPEAKER_00 22:07

Right. Yeah, that that's great because um you know like a lot of the times we as black women and um we're not always welcome in those kind of spaces. So I just love the fact that it's like you show up unapologetically like yeah I do belong here.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

I belong here too I always will if there's not a seat for me it's okay. I got a clothing chair I'm gonna have my own little table. It's okay. I'm gonna have everyone join me. You can everyone's welcome at my table. If I'm not welcome there it's okay.

SPEAKER_00 22:44

That's how I feel like um like even like in the advocacy spaces um you know there's it's it can be clickish so like one click won't support you if like people in their clique don't want to support you. But me I just like you know I've always been a loner so I just do my own thing. I post my stuff I mind my business I'm really into fashion I haven't posted much of that a lot but I'm hopeful to get back into that like when it gets because I like to take pictures outside and I'm in New York it's been snowing like crazy we just had a freaking blizzard but um what do you want people to know and take away from this interview? Um just so many things just one just if you have questions about autism if there's someone that you feel like you're close enough to to ask about like ask an autistic person or research that way you're maybe not bothering someone as much you know but I mean if you're a researcher you're like I still have questions then yeah you know just ask questions don't just assume don't speak for us just it's never and then also it's never too late to to change like if you feel like hey could this be me find uh to get a diagnosis if you feel like okay well maybe this is my kid just support them like if you have a teenager that's like hey I might be autistic don't shut them down support them it's like maybe they might be they might not be but showing that support can like go a long way absolutely where can everyone find you um I am on Instagram at just add a tiara so just J-U-S-T-A-D-D-A-T-I-A-R-A almost forgot how to spell my name um and you know same thing with like almost every social media site so tick tock threads just at a tiara okay thank you thank you so much tiara for sharing your powerful story and wisdom with us today and to our listeners like always thank you for tuning in to Black Girl Diagnosed your presence and support means everything and until the next time take care of yourselves and keep advocating with love