Overcoming GUILT & SHAME as a SOLE PARENT

Speaking on how growing up with childhood trauma leaves you vulnerable to experiencing and developing an identity based in shame, going into how to distinguish between a "false sense of guilt" and how using guilt can motivate you out of that mindset to creating a better life for you and your children.

Giving you four causes of guilt, and solutions, to overcoming guilt:

The four causes discussed are: 

1) Feeling inadequate 2) Unhealed past trauma often from childhood 3) Feeling guilty for setting for boundaries 4) Social stigma of sole parenting

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome to Voices Unhindered. I'm Crystal Jenkinson. On this show, I give a unique perspective and listening air to voices that often go unheard. I want everyone to know that you are not alone and that your voice and story matters. This week I speak about overcoming guilt and shame as a sole parent. Whether it's a deep-rooted shame from childhood trauma, a false sense of guilt, or feelings of overwhelming guilt. Send this episode to someone you know who is a sole parent. The topic I am speaking to you guys about today is breaking free from guilt and shame as a solo parent. So this episode is for my solo parents. I wanted to go into the definition of what a solo parent is. So there's a lot of misunderstanding about what a solo parent is versus what a single parent is. And even I didn't know some of this, but I just knew there were differences. So I was raised by a solo dad. He didn't have any help from my biological mother. He raised us by himself financially. He had a lot of help from my grandparents. Most of my life is spent with my grandparents, actually. And so all my care and nurturing, a lot of them, a lot of that love came from them. That's what a solo parent is when you don't have any support from the other parent at all. And it usually involves a grievance that happened. So it could be that they died, it could be that they were imprisoned, it could be that they so mentally unwell. Saying this respectfully, they can't look after themselves, let alone um children. They are immature to immature to be a parent, just addicted to drugs or something like that, that causes them to not be a good parent. And sadly that's the case where sometimes a parent has to raise a child on their own without any help from the other parent. And that's what I am as well. And I don't like to stigmatize myself into that book. Yeah, I also think I acknowledge and I give like credit to the solo parents because it's not just it's different to being a single parent where you co-parent with the other parent. Um I'll just go into the definitions of what the difference is and what a solo parent is. So a solo parent is someone who raises their children alone with no co-parent, whereas single parents share in a child's care with another parent. A solo parent is totally responsible for the child with no involvement from the other parent. They have full custody of the child, and they're the sole provider financially for the child. A solo parent often needs to find alternative support systems, whether it's like a church, whether it's a community of other solo parents or um others who are walking the same path as you, um, whatever works for you. Um, it isn't easy to find that. And I found a community in my church, but not everyone obviously is a Christian, or everyone believes in God or um finds comfort in that um or support, but I have in my specific church. Um they may a solo parent often experiences a greater sense of stigma than single parents, whereas single parents they have grace because you know that divorce is quite common nowadays, so co-parenting is quite common. Um, so single parents are are common nowadays. Whereas a solo parent, it has a deeper sense of stigma um attached to it, and I don't know why, but like even growing up, I felt a bit ashamed of being, you know, living with a solo dad, because people would be like, Where's your mom? you know, like or they just wonder, like, you know, um, who she was, or the fact that my dad took us up north was to get away from the influence of her, just you know, in case she turned up drunk at school or did something like that. Just the unpredictable behavior that she exhibited was not healthy for a child growing up. And what I wanted to say was there's a deeper sense of stigma. So being a solo parent, you feel like you're carrying the a lot more responsibility because you are than a single parent. You have to provide solely for this child everything they need. And often you're faced with criticism or blame, or people might think, oh, what happened to the other parent? Or like, like I said, when I was young, people might ask, where's my mum, or what did she look like, or whatever, or was she involved in my life, and things like that. So often there's something that happens. It could be due to abandonment, which that's a stigma in itself. It's like if the parent just left you with the kids and they abandoned their kids because they weren't interested, or they, you know, that just shows um a lack of character for one and responsibility, and they're not grown in themselves to raise a child, so they just abandon it's due to their own childhood trauma that someone abandons their children. And that is the case for some solo parents, and that carries a stigma because it's like, well, that's not something that you're proud of that happened, and it it makes you feel like it was your fault. That's why the parent left the kids. And the kids feel like it was their fault that that um parent left them. And that is not the case. And I just wanted to talk about it, could be a loss, they they could have um died, and that is another stigma, like being a widow or being having had to grieve for your partner, and then feeling the guilt of, you know, did I do enough? Was it my fault? Things like that, because there's there's guilt that comes with that grief as well, and they're connected. And then it could be that the partner was imprisoned or the other parent was imprisoned, that's why you are a solo parent. Um, so there's a lot of there's different things that could um cause someone to be a solo parent. And like I said, my biological dad, he was a solo parent, and so am I. So I also think there's an element of spiritual, I wouldn't say like it's a curse, but I'd say like it's there's a higher tendency, like if you were raised by a solo parent. There's something there that can create a pattern in bloodlines, like we see it um with like alcohol or something like that. If they were addicted to alcohol, your parents, like you have a sometimes they say, you know, the children have a higher tendency to be alcoholics. Um, but actually you can revert to one way or the other sometimes. And I don't think it's just a gene thing, but I wanted to say that you can break that cycle. You don't have to know, like you can grow up raising your child as a solo parent, knowing they're not gonna be a solo parent, they're not gonna struggle like you did to break those curses or those generational cycles because you did it for them. And I think there's a lot of pride in that by being a solo parent. It's like, no, um, protecting your kids from that dysfunction that you grew up, that you saw your solo parent struggle, you you felt their emotions, you carried responsibilities as a child that you were never meant to carry. And that can create such a maturity, depth, and empathy as a child. Um, and it's a beautiful thing to have that as a child. And then so my daughter, she has those traits of being independent, she's very empathetic, um, she's very caring and motherly. Yeah, I mean, I don't take all the credit, but I did raise her on my own um with God's help. So um, they can have traits that those with two parents um or two parents that are not, you know, as focused or as intentional about their lives, they can do better than other kids at school. Don't just look and think, oh, my kid's gonna be a statistic, like solo parents, um, raise kids that aren't as smart or whatever. That's all like um that's a statistic. You don't want to be that. Um, and I just want you to think like that. Like you don't know who you're raised. You could be raising someone that changes the world. And for me as a Christian, like I want my daughter to know God, I want my daughter to know Jesus. Like she's grown, she's confident in who she is. And I think looking at those things that you've done and you how you've raised your kids, that's something to be so proud of. Maybe proud's the wrong word, like so pleased with yourself and it and celebrate those victories that you have and that you see the the qualities in your child that you have brought out um through your parenting. I just wanted to go over the definition of guilt. Okay, the definition of guilt is the emotional experience of feeling remorse or responsibility for committing an offense or violating a moral standard. So that's the definition of guilt and the definition of a false sense of guilt, which is the same, um, but it's it carries um it arises from misplaced responsibility or cognitive distortions. So it means you're feeling guilty for something outside of your control that you didn't do, or something that you didn't violate, like your conscience, you didn't violate that or your values. Um and it's usually rooted in childhood issues by how you were treated or how you saw those caregivers or your parents, how they behave towards you. Maybe you were blamed for things that you didn't do, or you were left with all those responsibilities, you were left to do the dishes or something at a really young age, or you your parents couldn't look after you because they were addicted to drugs and you had to get your own food or something like that. And you can grow up, like I said in the previous episodes, that you can grow up with hyper-independence and you can grow up um struggling to set boundaries with people because you didn't know how to do that. You weren't taught that as a child. You didn't have those boundaries. Um, you can grow up to be a perfectionist, neglecting self-care, being easily manipulated by others' emotions, pain, words, or reaction. And then you can just not feel good enough, um, no matter what you do, because you always remember those words inside your head, like your your parents telling you, like, you never did this or you never do that, or you need to do that, or if you hear those things in your head, that means that that's often that's where it comes from, um, childhood. And it becomes like a stronghold, like a stronghold is like a set of lies that of belie beliefs that become true because you've believed a lie in your mind, and that becomes your reality. I just wanted to share something that I remember that I grew grew up with this. So there was a time when my biological mother was in and out of the house. She was, um, she didn't know anything about being, you know, how to be a mother or anything. You know how kids play in the lounge, me and my little brother were playing, and he fell off when we were walking around on furniture, um, as kids do. I have accidents, and he started crying, and then I just remember her running down and smacking me. And this was for no reason. And I told her I was only like three or four, and I told her after, isn't it better if you like after I stopped crying, isn't it better if you find out what happened before you just run down and blame me? And then she's like, Yeah, maybe I should do that. But yeah, that's all to do with drugs and mental issues. But anyways, sh she wasn't around for long, but she was in and out, you know, doing her thing. That's kind of what I mean by I grew up with this false sense of guilt, like, oh, it's my fault, like, you know, even though I didn't even do anything. That's what I was treated like. So that can all come back to childhood. Um So shame is an internalization uh internalization of this guilt. So instead of um guilt is saying, I did this bad thing or this bad thing happened to me, so I feel guilty. It might not even be your fault. It might be like I said, it could be a guilt or it could be a false sense of guilt. So, like if you were sexually abused as a child, um, it wasn't your fault, but you have this false sense of guilt that it must have been your fault that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, or somehow you were dressed the wrong way, or you encouraged it. Maybe people around you even said that. And that's a false sense of guilt. That's not your fault, but that was passed on to you. So an internalization of guilt is what shame is, it's where you think something is wrong about you. So you think it's the next level, it's like a deeper level of guilt. It's like this happened to me, so I must be bad. And it's talking about it's actually a um a shift in your identity. It's like no, not separating what happened to you from who you are. It's like saying, No, this is who I am. This this sexual abuse, this um violence, whatever, is part of who I am because I'm a bad person, that's why it must have happened to me. And this is the number one way that we have, as Christians, we know that we have a dev uh an enemy called the devil, and he attacks those with the calling of God on their life. Is the main way he uses it is he tries to get in below the age of five often, because that's when a lot of demonic stuff cut tries to come in. It's when you're most vulnerable. And there's even a teacher called Derek Prince, he's a Christian teacher and a pioneer. He's passed on now, but he's a solid Bible teacher, and he he's a deliverance minister as well. Um, he was, and then he talks about like the main way that uh age that many demons come in is before the age of five, and a lot of it is well, it's all the parents' fault because they have opened the doors to let these demons in. Kids can't protect themselves. Yeah, so back to what I was saying is like he he sees the calling of God on your life and he tries to get in at such a young age. He wants you to run and hide like Adam and Eve did in the Garden of Eden when they sinned in Genesis 3. They immediately, when they sinned, felt shame and guilt. This was a sense of sh uh guilt and shame that was real. It wasn't like a false sense, like they they knew they'd done something wrong. Um, and I just wanted to mention that a single parent is someone who raises a child without a live-in partner or co-parent. They're divorced, separated, shared custody, shared financial responsibilities. So that's a big difference between the two, solo and single. I just wanted to go through some points to my solo parents of the causes of guilt and advisable solutions. So or um things that you can do to to stop feeling guilty and start feeling the opposite. Like start feeling like you're pleased, like you're breaking cycles, you're um you're a chain breaker in your bloodline, like there's something different about the way you're parenting your child than what you grew up with. Now, I just wanted to go through the points. So the first one is feeling inadequate, like you aren't good enough, you don't measure up to what a parent, what to what you think a parent should be, or what others think a parent should be, or what others think you should be doing. And this is like really, this is more extreme for solo parents, I believe. I've never been a parent that's married or had anyone to help me with my daughter. So I don't know what it's like to be like that, but when you feel like you're not good enough, the devil can really hound you with that as a solo parent. He'll be like, oh, you're not doing this or that, or you don't give them what other kids get, or um, there's a lot of financial pressure as a solo parent. Like entertain your like you want to entertain your kids, you want to take them out places, you obviously if you have a car that costs money. Um and you're doing it all on your own. There's only one person getting the money. Um, obviously in New Zealand we have the sole parent benefit. So that supports parents, but that is just enough to live on. It's not like you can save money on that or like build a future or safe or a house or anything like that. So it's just enough like food to pay the rent, um, wherever you're living, and things like that. Um, so to get off that, there's a bit of incentive, but it's not easy. Um, so obviously there's an incentive to study when your kids are young, um, because a lot of the childcare is funded and like uni courses and things like that during uni courses and um study. But then obviously finding a job is another challenge um because well I did a journalism degree and I honestly there's not really that many jobs in journalism uh today. Surprise. And so I just thought I'd start my own podcast. That's one example of how you can f um how you can take pride, not pride, how you can be pleased with yourself, you know, like just making little steps towards what you want your future to look like for you and your children. I am definitely not there and I but I'm just, you know, I'm taking one step at a time, feelingly by God to do this podcast. That's a big one. So when you feel financially pressured, especially as a man, I think it's harder because you know, the men's supposed to be the provider, um, and you don't have much money, it can feel really embarrassing. Like, or you feel like you're not um what society thinks you should be as a man. Not that I'm a man, but I saw my dad go through this, like he has a good job and a good degree, but he struggled financially, struggle to manage money and things like that. And I think that's so important for parents to have wisdom on how to manage their money. So I I got taught a lot of this by my granddad, but I also wasted a lot growing up, wasted a lot of money. He taught me how to save and things like that, but um, yeah. And be resourceful. Maybe your living environment is maybe you have to live with others, or maybe you're on your own, which is a blessing for me, because I live on my own in a social housing block. Maybe the environment is not that great, like where you live, because sometimes you have limited choices. You know how that saying is like beggars can't be choosers. Not that we're beggars, but like yeah, I mean, like anywhere to live is better than nowhere, right? And like, for example, when I moved into my housing block, there was a couple downstairs that moved in. They just got moved there, and then they were fighting and threatening to kill each other outside my door all hours of the night, waking my daughter up, disturbing us. Um, she'd get frights and think it sounded like a scary movie. Um, not that we watch scary movies, but um yeah, so I recorded all these fights and I kept pushing the complaints to the manager and she took it to the court and we got the move. So that's something that I am pleased with in myself. Like I could not handle that. Like um, this was not a good environment for me and my daughter to be in when they were living there, the whole atmosphere changed. You could feel it in the whole block, and um I'm so pleased that um we have a good manager and she listened to my the evidence was strong enough, and I was just really pushing for that because I'm like, no, it's not good enough. And these are things that you can do to protect you and your child, and that you have a responsibility to do. So I wanted to say that things that made me feel inadequate. So women's refuge, I went there when my grandma was passing with cancer um back in 2020. Yeah, for like a few days. Or I didn't actually even stay there for one night. Uh my daughter peed on the mattress. And we just left because it was not the environment that I wanted her to be around in. There was um the smell of weed where I was living, and the the girls were just really quite I don't want to say man haters, but like, you know, a lot of them had been there because they'd been beaten by men. Um I was there because I wanted to put my name on the social housing register and I literally had nowhere else to go after my grandparents had passed. So that's what I did. Three months later, God gave me a house, and that was a blessing. So I went back to my granddad after that because I was like, this is not a good environment. So these are little decisions that go guide you in. I felt like when my daughter peed on the mattress, I was like, no, God doesn't want me here. I also stayed with someone from church for two weeks, just getting headspace where my grandma was um suffering with cancer at home, so I found it extremely hard to be around her, as well as looking after my daughter while grieving and watching her pass away. So and she was one at the time, and I just come back before the lockdowns from India. That's another story. Like, I cut contact with my daughter's biological dad as well, due to him just not being a good influence for her or me. You live in a social housing block as a solo parent, and if you do, that can make you feel like I mean, I remember someone walking past and being like, all these people that live here are poor. I mean, I don't think of myself like that, like you know, people put you into a box based on um a lot of things, and um yeah, living there is one of them. Um is there drugs or violence around where you grow up uh where you are with your kids? Um, this can make you feel inadequate because if you don't do anything about it um to get your kids away from that or put up boundaries or um with family members or people that are bringing in drugs or violence or chaos into your home, um, you will feel inadequate, you will feel guilty. And this is a real sense of guilt because it's like you are responsible for your child's environment, you're responsible for their well being. Just you, no one else. So yeah, you gotta be determined as a solo parent. Like you gotta have that drive. Like, whatever it takes, I'm gonna make the best um decisions for me and my child or children. Um, it's almost like it's you against the world. It's not just you though, when you believe in Jesus, it's you and Jesus against the world. And that's a majority. Like it doesn't matter what people think about you, it doesn't matter what boxes they try to put you in. Um, the only person that's limiting you is your own beliefs about you. And that's what I've realized too. Um, so the solution to feeling inadequate and like you aren't good enough is to work, like I just mentioned, working towards building a better life where you can one day get off of the sole parent benefit. Even just working on yourself internally, like reflecting, journaling, going to a faith community, even just having a faith in God can encourage you. Like if you believe in a higher power, if you believe you're here for a purpose, like being a solo parent, it's a purpose. Like it's a sh there's a strong purpose and a strong calling in there. Like, I'm not saying you should go out and you know, I told you the circumstances for why someone's a solo parent. It's not cut and dry as there's a lot of things surrounding why someone is there. And then um a lot of different reasons why. Um I really wanted a family, and I rushed into this relationship and I felt sorry for my daughter's biological dad. He had all these problems, he was going to be deported from New Zealand. I thought I could help him, I helped him get a divorce, you know, like that false sense of responsibility I had for him. He wasn't my problem, he wasn't my son. But that's what I felt like he was. So I was like, nah, I'm better off without that, you know. So, like I said, like even just being creative, like if you're good at knitting, if you're good at making things, like make things and start selling them, you know, like um just building different streams of um ways to make money and build and use this time that you have um when your kids are at school um to work on these things. Maybe you could do a business course um with Tijuana or Altier. I did that and it was last year. That was really helpful, like um getting me used to um what a business is and excuse me, it actually helped progress my podcast. Like a lot of the work I did was it's real practical. It works on your business, it's not just like and it's free as well. And I did a journalism, I have a journalism degree at uni. Um I did that during the COVID era. So yeah, just learn all you can and grow all you can. To me, the church community has been a big um, it's been something that I enjoy being a part of. Now I stepped away from my faith just after losing my grandparents because I was just in such a bad state. I was just trying to survive. And just remember how God's provided for you and favored you. Um, I mean, three months after I went to the woman's refuge, I had a house. I never thought that it would happen so fast. And I never thought I'd be able to live on my own with my daughter. Like I thought, um, you know, I'd have to stay. I didn't actually have anywhere to stay. So there was no other option for me. Um and God provided. And just being grateful for that, like he sees you and he loves you, especially as a solo parent. You're special to him. Like he sees how you're struggling, he sees how you're trying to break cycles, he sees how you're depending on him, and he loves that. Um and it's not in vain, like what you're doing. You don't have any idea who your child will become one day. Number two is unhealed and unresolved past traumas. This can be a cause for guilt. So this is us this usually comes from it could come from childhood usually or relationships, past relationships, um, where there were grievances um in those relationships, or where there was abuse, it could be vi um violence, it could be sexual abuse. And your children, they're so sensitive to your pain. Um, when I was really young, um my daughter knew that I was grieving. Um, but I wasn't like she just knew, and I think even how she breastfed so long, like five and a half years, like I think that was a comfort to her. She knew that we both needed that, you know, bonding, and we're real close now, so um so they know exactly what you're feeling. They know things in the womb, even like I've mentioned in my other episodes. Um and the baggage you're carrying, if you don't heal and remove that um guilt in your life. Um if you don't heal from past traumas, your children are gonna grow up feeling guilty um for something they didn't do. Just how you grew up with a false sense of guilt. They're gonna grow up with that if you do not heal from your past traumas. So, like when I was little, for example, I I couldn't even speak properly. I remember this. I remember going into my dad's office and I knew he was like kind of bent over, and I just I just sensed that he was deeply depressed from being in the relationship he was the toxic with the mess he was in with my biological mother. He was um yeah, in a really bad state. He got quite unwell at times. We even passed out once, and my aunt found him. Yeah, super stressed. Um, and I witnessed all this as a child, and I knew I felt like I was there to comfort him. And I used to say, doing daddy, that that was my that was how I spoke. I couldn't even speak properly, and I knew something was wrong with him. I didn't know what else to say. Um, but I just go up to him and say that. And I felt like when he spoke to me, he was um he was very nice, but I knew that he was seriously mentally unwell, and I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I was the caregiver. I know that sounds weird, but that's what that's what happens to you when you grow up with dysfunction, violence, toxic environments, parents that are fighting all the time. So I had a great empathy and maturity from a young age and independence, and I saw things differently than a lot of kids my age saw. Um so I tried to comfort him. I couldn't even talk properly. Um not having a mother in my life meant no idea I didn't have any idea how to be a mother when I hadn't been mothered, except for with my grandma, um, but not my biological mother. Um my grandma was she was dying when my daughter soon after my daughter turned one. So just after her birthday, months later she passed. Um so this is what it made me feel traumatized and grieved, um, and just such a mixture of emotions I had in those early years of my daughter's life. And um I don't even know how I got through it. It was God, obviously. But um it was all like a blur to me now. Um but just yeah, I just wanted to say that if you don't heal, your kids are gonna carry everything that you carried. Um I was just in survival mode for so long, and this caused me to have like a false sense of guilt. Like I was like, I'm not really living f I'm not relaxed, I'm not happy, I'm just trying to get through all this grief. I'm trying to do there was just one thing after another. My grandma died, my granddad died years later, um, I cut off my biological daughter's dad. Even though he was abusive, it's still there's still a grief. Like you're grieving what you wish you had with them. Like you wish you you're grieving the little happy family picture in your head that you realize isn't actually true, and you were just imagining it, and they actually can't be what you thought they were. Yeah, like I mentioned, Derek Prince, a Bible um teacher, his past now and a pioneer, he said that most demons enter a child before the age of five, um, enter somebody. So my own experience, I had a spirit of anger and perversion um because of violence and sexual abuse I witnessed and experienced from a young age. So the solution to unhealed past trauma is to give grace to yourself. Like the things you've been through, they're not your fault. Um, you had to walk through the valley. Um, but God was with you. When you give those grievances, those things to him, he can heal you. So you have to do the work and he helps you. So the inner work on your inner child. So you could go to therapy, counseling, um, journaling is helpful for some people. Uh, I don't mean like writing a diary, I mean like writing down your feelings, your thoughts, your desires, um, just even little victories that you've had, things you're grateful for. I think being thankful is really powerful. Self-reflection, which is kind of similar, but it's more like that happens also in therapy and counseling. But you can do it on by yourself as well. Just writing, you know, writing poems or writing a book or anything like that. Reading books on, you know, how to move um into healing. It could be Bible-based books, it could be um psychology books, Christian psychology. You know, there's different types, um, like Dr. Caroline Leaf and things like that. She talks about the brain and how to rewire your brain. And then Bible study, prayer, which is um something that also speaking in tongues, there's evidence that it um that it can calm a person down and it can um it turns on this different state in your in your brain where it's like uh it's online, but it's like it's powerful praying in tongues because we don't know what we're saying, but we are praying to God, and that's what kind of what tongues is. It's like a different language. Um, so this all um increases the vagus nerve, and that's the role in um in healing from past trauma as well, which is also um the vagus nerve is also um strengthened by singing, deep breathing, walking in nature, and even a little bit of exercise and the sunshine is really good for just for everything. And just wanted to say that one healed parent is better than two broken, dysfunctional, messed up parents. You are more than capable, and God entrusted this child to you into your care. So if you have the full custody, if you have the full right legally over this child, this child is your child that God's given to you. Um, what's his child that he's entrusted to you to care for? It's almost like he owns the child, and but we manage the child. It's kind of like that. Like we're responsible for everything of the child's well-being and welfare, but he gave us that responsibility. That child comes from him that you're raising. And that's how you should see being a solo parent. You're raising God's kid. I just wanted to say that my daughter knowing God as her father, her heavenly father, is so much more important to me than her knowing her biological father. Like, yeah, she can know him if she wants one day. I'm not gonna stop her, but just as long as she knows who her heavenly father is to me, that is most important as her mother. And that's my job to let her know who he is and encourage that through not just going to church, but um living it, living for God myself, and um having a connection and relationship with God myself. Um it says in the Bible in Psalms 1, 4, 7, 3, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Um yeah, oftentimes after when you're a solo parent, you come away or you come out of that, you come into that label with a broken heart, and um God can heal your heart. There's different things that a solo parent faces that other parents don't face, different struggles, different challenges. Oftentimes there's um more generational trauma, there's generational um curses in the bloodline, there's open doors to demons and things that a solo parent has to face. And when you really love your child, you're gonna face all these demons um on behalf of your child and shut the door to them. That's because that's what loving your child is. As a solo parent, a child can transform your life. You could you're gonna transform as a person and you're gonna heal and grow. It's gonna be the opposite way. You're gonna it's gonna be too much for you. And you could go down two different paths. You could go, you know, you could be in prison or your kids could get taken off of you. If you go down the dark path, if you follow what you're what you saw growing up, if you follow what your parents did, you could be in jail, you could be dead. Um talking about like addictions, violence, revenge, all those things. Um, but you have a choice to change the whole script for your whole family bloodline. And that's why being a solo parent is so powerful and you don't know what you're doing. It's the biggest responsibility in this world, and it's the greatest job you'll ever do. Um, so don't minimize it. Don't just think, oh, I'm always stuck at home or with the kids or I'm just a nobody, no one sees. Um, the most important thing is that God sees you. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or does or sees. And I just wanted to say to keep healing. You can't go back over boundaries. You can't, this is what I've done. So I'm just talking to myself as well. Like think, oh, should I have put that boundary in place? Should I have said that to that person that I, you know, I only want to meet them here, or I'm only um comfortable at the moment on these terms, um meeting with this person or talking to this person. And I think um you don't have to explain yourself to people. You set the boundary and you just if they respect you and they care about you, they'll meet you where you're comfortable and where you're at. Because being a solo parent, you're in a more vulnerable position. You're people should who really love you and care about you, they'll understand that. Especially as I don't want to say especially as a woman, like, you know, women are called the weaker vessel in the Bible. So there's differences between a woman and man. Man is more of a protector. A woman is a nurturer, more of a nurturer, but um when you have to be both a man and a woman as when you have to be um a father and a mother as a solo mother, when you have to be a mother and a father as a solo father, you have a lot more weight to carry than others and a lot more responsibility. Um Yeah Number three is guilt tripping from yourself, others, or ex-partner to remain in contact with them when they were toxic, manipulative, or controlling. So so have you heard this phrase before? What are you gonna tell the children about their parent? Um So what I want to say to this phrase is that they will the children that you are raising, they'll find out about their biological parent through your relationship. Your main priority is to look after this child, it's not to worry about what the um what everyone else is doing. Um or saying. You never slander a child's biological um parent in front of them. Like you never say, oh, they were useless, or they were maybe they were useless, maybe they were um a horrible person, but you never say that in front of this child, because what they do is they internalize that again, they blame themselves. They think, oh, there's something wrong with me, because I came from that and it's my fault, and all that stuff again. So that's what you never do. But if they ask you a question, you just tell them the truth at it at the age appropriate level, and you just keep creating that bond between you two. When they trust you, they'll they'll trust that you want what's best for them. My daughter, she doesn't want to speak to her biological dad. I've asked her. He's asked to call through email because I blocked him everywhere else. But um he even popped up again and said, you know how they pop up and pop and pop back up these kinds of people. He said, Do you want to get married? Oh, give you three days. Like that's such a odd thing to say. Like I haven't spoken to him for years. That's what I that's my advice, is like it's not their fault that the God put them here, whether they were born through the horrible tunnel, which is the person or not, um, that they came through, you know. Um they are beautiful and perfect because God created that person, that child that you're raising. So his cutting contact, sometimes you have to cut contact with their with this person. This is a given that they're alive and it's not an like it's voluntary cutting contact. It's not that they're in prison or um they passed, it's because you have a have a child to protect and your own mental and emotional health. So sometimes cutting contact is the only way, and has it brought you more peace, clarity, and strength in yourself? And if it has, then keep sticking to it and don't worry about what other people think or say. That's something my daughter's biological dad was good at too, manipulating me, guilt tripping me into thinking like everything was my job to do for him, or it wasn't my fault, you know, like for this or that or whatever. Um, so the solution is strong boundaries are so important for children, especially when you're a solo parent and keeping those boundaries. Um, they grow stronger, more resilient, and have traits like empathy, maturity, and independence that can even excel other kids their age because of the struggles that you two have overcome together. They've seen and experienced more than other kids their age have. Um, and this is part of self-respect to these boundaries. Um protecting your space, keeping your space sacred for you and your children. Um, whether they're DNA-related people or anyone, you may be grieving what your child never had. So you may be like, you may still be stuck in that fantasy land where you're like, I hope that I can get back with their peer the other parent, you know? I hope that they'll be around one day. I hope that they'll help me take care of the children that we helped to create. But that's all a fantasy. Were they ever there? Were they ever helping you with anything? And um it's there's a grief that happens. Cause you like I said, you have to let go of the fantasy, you have to accept reality that they were never around, they were never there for you or the kids. They didn't care. So you have to accept this. This like a grief process. Um, because you're actually not healed when you are still stuck in that, oh, I'd like to, you know, maybe get back with the dad. Because honestly, that was me for the first few years of my daughter's life. I went back to India after having my daughter because I thought that we were gonna be together when all the red flags were there and all the signs that he was not a capable provider or husband or mentally stable, emotionally mature man. I got myself into that and I take full responsibility for the choice that I made to go over there. And yeah, I came to accept reality kind of when I I guess when I lost both my grandparents, I started grieving everything together at once. And I realized I'm gonna be in this on my own. I I realized like, no, I'm just gonna I didn't want to be a solo mother. I had this fear of like that's the worst thing that could happen to me. Even as a teenager, I was like, oh, I don't want to be a solo mother. Because my grandma would be like, Oh, you don't want to be a solo mother on the benefit um in one of those little moldy houses and a little moldy flat on your own. She used to say that to me and I was like, you know, like you just have this picture stuck in your head of like being a poor solo mother. You know what? It's it can be that or it can be the most empowering thing. Um and to me, it's been empowering. I'm not saying aim for being a solo parent in life. Who does it? Yeah, I didn't want to call myself that. I wanted people to think that I wasn't a solo mother, but now I'm like, no, I'm accepting it. I mean, I don't want to limit myself into that, you know, the box of like being a solo mother. Because people often think, oh, a solo mother, they or solo father, you know, they're below me or whatever. Yeah, no, like I said, like God doesn't see you at how other people see you. He sees so much more for you than society and all that sees. There's not such a stigma today, but you know, especially for solo dads, there was a such a stigma when I was young, even. It was quite more rare. Um, and then solo mothers was a bit. Less rare, but still. Um and then if you don't have any family support, like any physical family support around you, like myself, um, you should be real pleased with yourself. Like you're getting it done, like you're out there like creating a better life for you and your child. You're not sitting around complaining or moping. Like, poor me, like you know. I used to do that, but I don't do that anymore. So that's even a a massive thing for me. Like it's all a waste of time. No one's like thing that people say, it's like God doesn't help those who don't help themselves. That's not even in the Bible. It's actually the opposite. God helps those who can't help themselves. Um, I've been helpless a lot of times in my life, especially as a solo parent. I felt helpless and I'd pray or call on God, and He'd always help me. When they act funny or they're acting different, if there's open doors somewhere, your kids are more likely to act funny. Open doors to sin, open doors to the demonic realm. And people might not even know. And number four is social stigma. So, like I was just talking the whole time about stigma, to stigmatize is to mark someone as disgraceful, shameful, or abnormal, which often leads to prejudice, exclusion, or discrimination. It's to brand and label and treat a person or group in a way that shows strong disapproval. And the Merriam-Webster synonyms are label, brand, mark, designate, name, or call. So the prime example we can think of is the Jews wearing the mark of the Star of David, which was a sign of um the stigma that they carried. And also being black in the slavery days in America is another example because they were treated as less than, you know, less than the European Americans, and the Jews were also treated as less than human. Um, obviously, we know because of the Holocaust. There's power when a group of people believe something, so and it creates strength behind the stigma. So many people believe that Jews and black Americans were not human or less valuable than other races. And this became a group think belief or stronghold in this culture. And also another example is COVID. Um, those who didn't get vaccinated, they were stigmatized because they were excluded from public places, many public places. These are times when people were stigmatized in history, and like I said about solar parents, they there's a tendency for people to stigmatize you as well. But like I said, your beliefs are so much more important than what all these people are thinking about you. Maybe you grew up with people saying, You always do this or you always fail at that, and that's a parent's voice in your head from childhood, and that can create um a stronghold of lies in your mind that is like a stigma that you're wearing unconsciously. So a stigma in social settings could be like people having prejudices towards you. They might look down on you um subconsciously often, and you need to come out of that agreement or just learn to like ignore it, like if people are like that, like that's their problem, like that's their uh messed up beliefs. And then you need to speak the truth and know who you are. And a lot of what I believe is what the Bible says, that we're more than conquerors in Romans 8.37. Yeah, sometimes you need prayer support for these word curses that people put on you, maybe their parents, maybe they were people around you, but you need to pray against these things. And people like putting you into a box when you're a solo parent where they feel comfortable. Um, but we don't fit into a box. So I just wanted to say that you didn't do anything worse than anyone else as a solo parent, even if you went out and fornicated and had a child out of wedlock, which is what I did. It's a sin when you're not married and you sleep together, obviously. The Bible says that we are all born sinners. Romans 3 23. There's different reasons, as I mentioned, um, but all have fallen short of the glory of God. Um God turns what the devil intended for evil for our good, and he brings something beautiful out of something ugly, which is the child that you have. Being a parent is the biggest responsibility and honor that we will ever have, and the greatest fulfillment, and the biggest motivator in this life. It really causes you to grow and develop as a person. You actually, yeah, you'll either go one way or the other, like I said, as a solid parent. You'll either do it really well or you'll either make a sucky job of it and just pass on everything everything that you're carrying to your child that is negative. So the Latin word for stigma is physical mark burned tattooed onto slaves or criminals or soldiers, which comes from the word the stigma comes from that word. Sometimes there's a spiritual mark on you, like even as a solo parent, like when you're abused as a child, other demons and people see it in the spirit, and that makes you vulnerable to more abuse. Um, different types of abuse, the different demons recognize it, whether it's sexual, there's an imprint on you, and it's telling them like this person is an available candidate. I just wanted to say I am very pleased and proud of you guys who are solo parents and you're doing it all on your own without any support. It can feel lonely, it can feel dark and isolated. But when you know that you're doing it for a higher purpose, you know you're raising a child for really for God. Like you are you know that God gave you this child. Yeah, I just wanted to encourage you guys and say that it's time to come out of guilt and just be be pleased with all the breakthrough and all the effort that you've made towards building a better life for your child. Um you're doing so well, and God sees you, and I see you. Thank you guys for listening to this episode. I hope you got something out of it today, and I will speak to you guys in the next episode. Bye for now. And I really appreciate all your support. I could not do this podcast without you. If you'd like to give, you can give on my give a little page, and you can also give by subscribing to my Buzz Sprout. Just by telling others about this podcast helps me. To any solo parents you know, send this episode to them. Subscribe to my YouTube, my Patreon. The links will be below to everything. Thank you guys for listening. It's great hearing from my listeners. Reach out with questions and comments through Insta or Facebook. Just search for Voices Unhindered. I'm interested to know what other topics and voices you'd like me to bring on the show. Subscribe to Voices Unhindered on Spotify or Apple Podcasts to never miss an episode.