Podcast 1001

Motherhood Pt.2: Postpartum Depression Ft. SHARDE

• Blacksgenesis • Season 2 • Episode 1

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0:00 | 1:15:01

"Where everything is up for discussion"

SPEAKER_03

Okay, y'all. We are back for another episode of Podcast 1001. It's your girl Black's Genesis. This is the first episode of season two.

SPEAKER_02

And we have none other.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, Chardonnay. Are you going by Shardet Sangs still? No, I'm still I'm just Shardet. Just Shardet. Shardet Sangs is my moniker on my social media. But let me tell you, my name is finna change too. People don't know. It's gonna be Phoenix. Phoenix? Mm-hmm. Because you rising from the ashes. Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_02

I heard that.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, guess what? And it's your time. It is. If it's never been your time, considering all that you've been to, and I don't know the depth, but I you are such a talent.

unknown

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02

That you, I mean, you I'm telling you, you left an impact on me, and I haven't seen you in years.

SPEAKER_03

I can't remember how long ago it was when I was frequenting the story. For sure. At least.

SPEAKER_02

And I mean your voice, your stage presence. Stage presence. Because there are many, there are many of singers out there. You know, a lot of us can hold a note. I'm one of them. Absolutely. Absolutely. But baby, the performance of the song, you got him beat.

SPEAKER_03

The writing, you got him beat. Oh my god. I just remember just, oh my God, you were, you were so it. And so, ladies and gentlemen, we have Sardane in the building. Singer, mommy. What else you do? Songwriting, rapping. Oh, you do rap! I do. Yes. I do. It's been a long time since I've like called myself a rapper, but I do rap.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um this episode is going to be a part two on a previous episode I did in season one called Motherhood. I wanted to talk about postpartum and postpartum depression in particular. Yes.

SPEAKER_03

I wanted to talk to somebody who has you have two kids, right? Yes. Okay, cool. So correct me if do you have friends who have kids? Absolutely. Uh are you the two-kidder, the only two kidder? No, I have a few friends that have two kids. I got some friends that got four or five kids. Oh, damn. Okay, cool. Um, so in my group of friends, I am the only two kidder.

SPEAKER_02

So I have two kids, everybody else has one kid, and I'm always like, you motherfuckers don't understand. Right. Are you packing up one kid?

SPEAKER_03

Packing up two. Listen.

SPEAKER_02

You know, it's different for me. It's hard. You know, it's hard. Always joking about how, you know, when I had my first child, I um I wasn't on this, I stopped being on the scene. But now that I have my second child, baby, this podcast is the only thing I can do.

SPEAKER_03

And I'm on the time crunch to fail you. You know what I mean? Because I can get home to my baby. Yes. Absolutely. My kids is with their daddy, so I was like, you know what? I'm finna squeeze in as much as I can. So when you hit me up, I was like, hey, can you come on? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Absolutely. Whenever I have time, I I try my best to dive into my creativity. And but it's hard, man. I know. Yeah. It's hard. It is. Oh my God. Like you, your whole identity shifts. Yes. And you're dealing with your shifting identity and still trying to dive into your creativity. You can't dive into the creativity the way you used to when you were by yourself. Yeah. You know, so your brain is just like trying to out of multitask all the time. Are you still writing? Absolutely. Okay. Yeah. I um I write for Universal Production Music, and I have I don't do that. Okay. I've been writing with them now for like six years. Wow. Yeah. And so I weird, crazy story how I got into that. I was actually singing background for this one guy and the drummer, and and how in the beginning you were saying like impact. I really don't be understanding how much I impact people when I meet them.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And I kind of took it for granted because I just be in my own little world doing me. And so the drummer of that band, because everybody disbanded basically, he hits me up and he was like, hey, you know, I remember you from singing background well, dude. We got this opportunity over here. And I'm like, first of all, I ain't talked to that dude ever. How the hell he remember me? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I look, I was like, okay. He didn't say like it was gonna be like a permanent thing. I did one song, and then one song turned to almost a hundred. And six years later, I'm riding in the car, my songs coming on the radio, a commercial.

SPEAKER_02

Can you tell us what songs you've written?

SPEAKER_03

Or is it like Well, I mean, you wouldn't necessarily know them because it's basically background music. Yeah, yeah. In commercials and stuff like that. But one time one time, me and my husband at the time, we were sitting watching uh the best man series that came out. And there was a scene where Homegirl was burning down the villa, and my song came on. I lost it. I know you did. I lost it. That was like the first time I was like, oh my God, because I'm sitting there watching it. Yeah. Just like the like As a consumer. But you're a part of it. And then what, a couple weeks ago, I'm scrolling on TikTok. My song is on Rihanna's Fenty advert. For real? Yeah. I was like, wait a minute, I know this damn song. Wait a minute. Can we cut? Apps the fucking look. Okay, listen. I said, bitch, I know the song. What is where did this song? And I didn't know the song and you wrote the song. But it was, it's I wrote it like three, four years ago. Yeah. Yeah. And it's been in the, it's, you know, once I write songs and I turn them in, nah. You know, I won't hear them again for a while. Yeah. I heard that shit, I was like, bitch, my fucking song is on Rihanna face right now. So like I've just been like in that, in my creative bag, making sure that I write quality music and perform it quality. Yeah. To be that have you performed lately? I have not performed in a long time. Are you itching to perform? I am itching. I know you're not. But let me tell you about that LA scene and why I left. Girl, what happened? I can't deal with it. I understand. I can't. I understand. Authenticity. I was just about to say that's it lacks. Authenticity is often scoffed at. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? When I when you really show up, you look crazy to them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I got tired of looking crazy to a bunch of crazy motherfuckers. Y'all ain't finna label me as the problem. Yeah. I'm just doing me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like it, girl, I can't even discuss half the shit that used to go on at you. Yeah. But I, you know, I used to. I heard the background noise, but because I wasn't like me and it out in the inner circle, I was literally just a consumer coming to watch you guys perform. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

But I I heard some craziness.

SPEAKER_03

It was a lot of craziness, and I eventually had to leave because I just I couldn't deal.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I just couldn't deal with it. Uh, you know, so I ain't performed around LA in a long time, and I've been itching to get on that stage and just wail. And I just haven't had the time anymore because most of these gigs are super late at night.

SPEAKER_02

Drive me over here, like, should I put on a show just for shard day? Because I will. I sure will. Look, I'm over here, you know, I've been thinking about uh, you know, starting my own poetry, um, kind of like open my showcase, whatever the case, whatever the case. I used to host uh Little Vibe Little Vibe Friday for a few years back in the day. Uh-huh. Um, but had my first baby, and pregnancy was crazy.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, it's pregnancy is ghetto. Pregnancy is ghetto. It's ghetto. Girl, zero out of ten. Love my kids, would do it again now that I know them. But they were strangers at first. Like, what the fuck? You strangers are in my body causing havoc right now. No, no, but it was wild. Left the scene because of pregnancy, and then when I was like, oh, maybe I can go back, boom, pregnant again.

SPEAKER_02

So boom. Yeah. Um, yeah. So yeah, but I I want to give people like you, people who I know are people who I know um just have that authenticity that I like. People that I I I know want the freedom to do what they do without being judged, without being on constraints, without having to compete with other people in the room.

SPEAKER_03

Right. You know, because it ain't never got to be that at all. It's never, but but I'ma say this and I'm gonna say this as humbly as possible. When you have big energy like I have, yeah, bitches automatically make it a competition. Yeah. You competing with me in your head, I'm not even competing with you. Yeah. So why the fuck are you giving me problems? You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to be on some sis chick too, and you looking at me like I gotta beat this bitch. Like, what the fuck? Like, actually, when I'm better than you, and I'm not saying that you gotta vocalized. Hey, hey. But listen, you know how you and me and me and one of my homegirls, me and Freginae, shout out to Freginae.

SPEAKER_02

We talk about this a lot. As humble as we are, and I mean, as much as we like to be around the girls and share our talents and really be in like, like you said, build like sisterly bonds and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_03

You can't do that with everybody. You can't do that with everybody.

SPEAKER_02

And like the people that be trying to compete with you, they don't even level up to what you're so it's like, girl, really stop trying to compete. Please, you're embarrassing yourself, embarrass yourself, and then even more than that, I can't operate your lane just like you cannot operate my lane. So let's just stay in our separate lanes and be cool about it because I mean, yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_03

Um, but yeah, Chardonnay, we gotta get you on the stage. We gotta get you on the stage. The stage so bad. Oh, I miss it so bad. I miss talking to the crowd. I miss the sway of people when you hit a note and it just reverberates and they soul, and then you feel the drums under your feet, and the band is going off and you vibing. Like, I miss that so much. Yeah, that's where my home is. Yeah. Performing.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I love writing, I love singing in the studio, but there is nothing like performance.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my god. I was just having a conversation with the last uh person I was interviewing, and we were talking about that. For me. I love poetry, I love writing, I've you know, written a book, I'm currently writing a novel. Oh, that's great. But baby, this I don't get I don't give a fuck. The thing is, is I don't give a fuck what I'm doing on the stage. I just need the stage. Yes.

SPEAKER_03

I could be talking, I could be singing, I could be doing comedy, I could be doing poetry. Yes. The stage is where I live. I love the stage. And you know why that is? Because people like us, we know how to connect people. We know how to make those connections with people authentically. Yeah. You know, I had one guy back in the day, I got off stage, this man was on his hands and knees. Yeah. I said, boy, if you don't get your ass up off this floor, don't do that to me. Right. You're gonna have these people in here thinking I think that I'm a goddess. Yeah, right, right, right, right, right. Like I mean, I am a goddess. But no, no, no, don't do that, you know. But that moment, it was just like, I touch this person. I and I enjoy touching people. Yeah. Not in pause, you know. But I enjoy that because that human connection is what creatives desire. A lot of times.

SPEAKER_02

And you know why you uh you had mentioned you sometimes don't even recognize the impact that you've made. Um I think one of the tricks and trades of the Lord is he blinds us.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, he does.

SPEAKER_02

When we're super duper anointed, when we're super duper impactful, he blinds us of that so that it'll never go to our head so that we can continue to be so authentic in our gift because it's ministry. Yes.

SPEAKER_03

And it's not tainted by thinking we got it like that. Even though we do. Right, right. It's a blessing. That's a blessing. And it also occurs too because you walk into these rooms and people can see it on you. People can see things in you that you don't see.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And so when you operate like that, which I have for a long time, yeah, that's how you get taken advantage of.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You know, and that's why I'm doing my personal rebrand because I'm like, look, I played the humble card for a long time.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And not in pretend, but for real, yeah, making sure that people know that I am one of you.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

But I'm not one of you. Okay. I am not. That's facts. I am not. Yeah. And I can no longer pretend like I am to make you comfortable. Yeah. So if you want to treat me like that, that says more about you than it does about me, because I came in here pure of heart. Right. I came in here with the understanding that I want to connect with these people and I want to have fun and I want to make music and I want to be creative.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

But you made it something else. Yeah. So don't try to squash me down so that I can play this humble. Everybody, everybody's obsessed with humbling us. Right, right, right. When you a black woman and you authentic in your spirit, you need to be humble. Bitch, no the fuck I don't. Okay. No, I don't. Okay. No, I don't. No. Like, no.

SPEAKER_02

Don't you are not one of them. And when God told us to be or called us to be set apart.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Be ye set apart. Yeah. He was talking about me and you, Char. Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02

I hate to go there, but I know I feel you when you say I'm not one of you. And it's not a arrogance, not arrogance. It's really like, I know who call who God called me to be, and I'm actively walking in it because I don't want to get in trouble with him.

SPEAKER_03

And I also want to, you know, get what I got in me out. Yes. Because it was given to me by him. So for you to try to squash that, you can't squash God. Period. You can't squash the spirit. Right. So no matter how much you try to beat down on me, he's gonna always raise me up. Yeah. Every single time. So that's why when I get up, I get up ten times stronger. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And it's not me.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, let's talk about postpartum. I know that you are dealing with the journey of you and your ex-husband. Yeah. Um, but I wanna take it back to when you guys.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, absolutely. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Um the first question that I'm I'm gonna ask you, just first and foremost, did you deal with postpartum depression?

SPEAKER_03

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. I want you to take us back to after you gave birth. What did you expect a postpartum to feel like?

SPEAKER_03

Well, you know, people always tell you the signs to look out for in postpartum depression, you know, but every woman's experience is different when it comes to that. You you experience depression on your own terms. And so sometimes you don't know what signs to look out for.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And with both pregnancies, um, mostly my daughter, because my daughter's pregnancy was really bad. Like I had fibroids real bad, didn't know I had them until I found out I was pregnant. And during the pregnancy, they grew tremendously. So by the time I had my daughter, I had one that was the size of like a small watermelon. Sitting on top of my uterus. So after I gave birth, people are telling me, like, oh, you breastfeed, you lose weight, right? You're gonna drop the weight. Bitch, no fuck I didn't. No, I did not. I gained even more weight. Right. Because I was fucking hungry all the time. I was starving and I was always thirsty. Lies fucking lies. Right, right. So dealing with after giving birth, and then I I couldn't get my daughter to latch. Yeah. That was depressing. Talk about it, shard day. That was the most depressing moment of my life. Yeah. And I remember going back to Kaiser and going to uh I forgot the name of the program, but they have a program where they teach you how to get your baby to latch. Because I'm gonna be honest with you. When you in the big titty committee, they don't tell you how to fold it and put it in the baby's mouth. And this is real. This is real. My breasts are not small. Right. So I had to figure out a way to squeeze the areola and the nipple because they always tell you, you know, breastfeed, make sure you put the they don't tell you you gotta fold the whole areola to fit it in the baby mouth because they're supposed to suckle from the areola, not the nipple. Yep. So all of this knowledge that I thought I had, I didn't know shit.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I didn't know nothing. And that depressed me too, because I thought I was gonna be prepared, and I was not. Yeah. I was not. So breastfeeding for the first couple weeks had me in deep depression.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Because I could not figure out how to get my baby to latch. And eventually I did. You know, it was a learning experience for both of us, but it was stressful because my baby was screaming, yes, crying because she's hungry. Yes, and I'm fumbling, trying to figure out how to fit my ditty in his baby mouth. And I'm just like, please, just open your mouth.

SPEAKER_02

And the cold part about it is they tell you, and you know, from we're in our culture, we need to feed that baby. Right. Right? Right. They tell you your baby is getting enough. So don't feed them formula or don't supplement because you they want you, they want the baby to be uh familiar with you and not the formula because if you supplement, a lot of times the baby don't come back from that and they might not want your milk. That's what happened to me.

SPEAKER_03

Give the baby the fucking formula. Yes. No, agreed. A fed baby is best. Bury it. But there is a lot of pressure on us mentally as mothers because you're hearing what they're saying.

SPEAKER_02

You feel like a failure. And you feel like a failure. And like for me, my instance, I was like, I don't want to give my baby formula because I want her to, you know, get it from me. Yeah. But I can't let her starve. So I was giving her formula and then trying to breastfeed at the same time. And she would be like, no, bitch, where's the formula? Like, I don't want you. Where's the formula? And it makes you feel like, oh my God, I can't even like disconnect the thing. Yeah, I used to think like, damn, what if we was in the wild and she couldn't?

SPEAKER_03

My baby would die. Hey, we gotta stop that. Hey, we gotta stop discount and know how resilient babies are because babies know. They know. But that in the hospital, actually, um, I I think a couple hours after my daughter was born, I actually did get her to latch because uh uh what what is it called? A lactation consultant. A lactation consultant came in and she helped me do it. But when they come in and do it so easy, it'd be like, girl, what the? I've been trying to handle your titty, like, okay, your hands is cold, bitch. Right, right. You know, but no, literally. When I got home, I couldn't do it. Yeah. And so I called Kaiser again. I'm like, hey, I need to meet with like somebody, a lactation consultant, somebody needs to help me. So my husband drove us to Kaiser, and mind you, my stomach is still huge. Yeah, the fibroids had me looking like I was still nine months pregnant at the time. Were they hurting? Oh, hurting. Oh my gosh. Listen, I'm gonna keep this story brief. First of all, as black women, 80% of us suffer from fibroids. 80% of us get screened for it. Ask your doctor to screen you for these fibroids because they're not gonna ask.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I did not know I had them. I've been to the doctor my entire life. Right? And so in the childbirthing years, I never got screened for them. So when I went to my very first ultrasound, the doctor couldn't find my baby because the fibroid was blocking her.

SPEAKER_04

Whoa.

SPEAKER_03

So she had to insert it vaginally to get the ultrasound. So throughout the pregnancy, when they started growing, they started causing really bad problems. I remember the very first time, this this also contributed to my uh postpartum depression because of the pain.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Um, the very first time I felt fibroid pain, it's called fibroid degeneration. And what happens is, and this is me being my in my science mind, uh, what happens is when your baby is growing at such an exponential rate and the fibroids are used to getting that blood supply, the baby is stealing the fibrous blood supply. So they start to die off. But instead of just dying off, they send out signals, pain signals. And it feels when I tell you that that pain feels like somebody takes a white white hot knife and slices it through your abdomen, it feels like that. And so I thought one day, this was, I think I was probably two or three months pregnant at the time. I thought I was having a miscarriage because I was bleeding.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And I had a clot, huge clot. I ain't never been pregnant before, so I'm like, clot. I started screaming in the back. Call my husband, like, oh my God, my baby. We rushed to the emergency room. I'm thinking I'm having a miscarriage. I'm hysterical. I know you were. I'm hysterical. I'm screaming like somebody help me, you know. And I get in there, and the doctor is so sweet. She's so nice. They give me an ultrasound. Girl, my daughter was in there, Macarena, like, I'm straight in here. I was like, okay, well, you know, and so I had multiple episodes of fibroid degeneration throughout my pregnancy. Sometimes they would last two, three days. The longest time was 10 days. Jesus. So 10 days of straight. Pain. Just straight up pain. Unadulterated pain. I don't if you've ever had a toothache, it's 10 times worse than that. And not to mention the normal pain that comes with pregnancy in general. So sciatic. I was nauseous, not sleeping. My first trimester, I lost almost 20 pounds. I was a skinny legend, honey. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was good. I was like, this is the skinniest I've ever fucking been, bitch. Malnourished as fuck on the bedroom good. And it was like, so pregnancy up until I, because I had C-sections for both kids. Okay. And um when I had my first C-section afterwards, you know, dealing with the breastfeeding and then dealing with body image issues because my body is completely warped. The fibroids in the baby. Now my daughter was almost 10 pounds. Lord. Both my kids were almost 10 pounds. There's some big ass babes. Jesus. Okay.

SPEAKER_00

It's a big ass bass.

SPEAKER_03

But they look at my son, they think my son is like three.

SPEAKER_00

When they'd be like, oh, how old is he about the girl? He ain't no damn three. He's one. He'll be two next week.

SPEAKER_03

So he's a big boy. My daughter's a big girl. Like they're just naturally big. They came out like that. You know? Carrying them was hard. Yeah. So and there was a huge difference between my first pregnancy and my second pregnancy. Huge difference.

SPEAKER_01

Was it worse?

SPEAKER_03

I wouldn't say worse, but it had its own issues. Like I was pregnant during the lockdown. I found out I was pregnant March 8th of 2020. And the next week they shut the whole city down. Wow. So that that lets me too. The second baby was born in March of 2024. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah. So it was like a three, four-year difference. March what? 12th. Oh, that's great. My baby's my baby's birthday is today. Oh, happy birthday. My first.

SPEAKER_00

How old?

unknown

Three. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It's such a precious age, man. Right before they go into school age, it's just like, oh my God. Yeah, that's my baby. Oh, these babies are so beautiful and they're so precious. And it makes you feel bad that you had depression because of, not because of them, but because of their because of them coming here.

SPEAKER_02

Um, let me ask you this.

SPEAKER_03

Did you feel connected to your baby immediately or did you struggle with that? And I want to know for both kids, did you struggle with bonding because of the postpartum diversity? I did not. Okay. I had immediate connections with both babies. Give me my babies. Like, I was just about to say that. Give me my kids. Give me my babies. And then somebody would come and hold them. Yeah, I'm not going to be able to do that, but give me my motherfucking. Look, I was on that operating table both times. I hear both the kids screaming. You know, my husband, he's over there cutting the cord and doing the daddy thing. And I'm laying there like, somebody bring me my baby. Yeah. Where's my baby? Yeah. I'm in the tears. I got tears streaming down my face. I'm shaking like a motherfucker. Like, where's my baby? Give me my baby. You know, I I had connections with both of them. It was beautiful. It was beautiful.

SPEAKER_02

Um thoughts that you had that you were afraid to say out loud um during postpartum depression. And be candid.

SPEAKER_03

What was a thought that I had? There was one with my son in particular, um, because not to say too much, but this is when I started really having issues with my husband.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

And there was a thought one time that maybe my kids would be better off without me. That was a thought that I had. And immediately I rebuked it because I was just like, no. No. But I thought about it a lot.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I thought about it a lot. Like, I'm no good to them like this.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I'm no good to these kids in this state.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And I tried to be better. You know, I tried to lift myself up, you know, pull yourself up by your proverbial bootstraps, as they say, but it was hard because I couldn't get up. The shit knocked me down. Wow. You know, and I wanted to be there as much as I could, but it was hard to get out of your head.

SPEAKER_02

You know how they say uh some people deal with postpartum because it's levels to the postpartum.

SPEAKER_03

Very much so. And they don't tell you that. They don't tell you that. They don't tell you that. What was the one thing that you dealt with the most in my instance?

SPEAKER_02

Because you know they have postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression, postpartum rage, postpartum this, postpartum that. I dealt with the rage in a way that I never seen. The rage. And I said, there's no way. And I was like, oh no, I can't be this person. The burning rage. The burning rage with everybody. The husband, the people who weren't in the house, just for no reason, in a weird way, mad that nobody was coming to save me. But at the moment that somebody was like offering to come and get my kid, I'm like, no.

SPEAKER_03

No, leave my baby. Which is so odd. Yeah. But I mean, but you you know because it's not the baby, it's everything else around you. Yeah. I don't need you to come take my baby. I need you to help me wash these motherfucking dishes. I don't need you to take the baby. I need you to help me vacuum this floor.

SPEAKER_02

Prior to because I mean, I don't know about you, but prior to having kids, I wake up, I clean my house before I leave. I want to come home to a clean house. I don't go to sleep without the dishes in the sink, you know, with the dishes in the sink. When you're pregnant, you don't have the energy to clean up. You don't. When the kid gets here, you don't have the time to clean up. God forbid you have another kid. You don't have the time because now they're on different schedules. You're on your own schedule, your husband's on his schedule, you still have two wife, you still have to do yourself. Your dear.

SPEAKER_03

There were a lot of things that was slipping, and I wasn't mad. Mad because you didn't feel supported. Well, no. So I have I have a lot of support. And this is another thing that I I wanted to.

SPEAKER_02

So one another question I was going to ask was um, what made you, what made it hard for you to ask for help um you know, when you when you needed it? And for me, my instance was I have an amazing husband. Can't take shit away from him. Love it. Great. I don't have to work. I didn't have to work prior to having my kids. I haven't worked um since my little baby, since my oldest baby was one. And that's because I wanted a job, and then I came home one day and like, I don't want to go to work. He was like, Cool, I told you you didn't have to work. Right. I have a lot of support, financial support, support with my family and everything. But let me tell you something. Do you know that even with all that support, it still don't be enough? It don't. Even if somebody comes and do a little something, it's like, okay, yeah, you help with that, but I need help with this, I need help with that. It just gets to pile on. It does. And for me, I was embarrassed and saddened to ask for help because I didn't want people to judge me and think, well, what you need help for?

SPEAKER_03

You at home with your kids. You stay-at-home mom, you don't need help. Yeah. Or nobody ever said this to me, but this was what I was thinking. Well, honestly, they didn't have to say it because the societal expectation of a stay-at-home mom, you got it easy. You got it easy.

SPEAKER_02

So why you're struggling? And I'm thinking, baby, I never have a break. My husband can go to work and have a 30-minute break. I never have a break. Never one time. Never have a break. And after I put them down that night, and God forbid you have horrible sleepers, which I do and did when they were younger, my kids did not sleep. And I said, What the fuck is going on? Are they not tired? Nope. They wouldn't sleep. And so by the time they finally go out, I had to now decide do I want to bathe my ass or do I want to eat or do I want to go to sleep? It was it was hard. It was hard.

SPEAKER_03

Or do I want to get to me? Or do I want to clean my house? Or do I want to, you know, it was just so much shit to do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And I had the support, but I was scared to ask for the real support that I needed because I felt that people were gonna judge me for bitching and complaining, which I always felt like I was complaining about needing help.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. You know? And I feel like, and this is you know my personal opinion, the reason why we like I said, the reason why we feel that way is because society expects mothers to make the ultimate sacrifice every single day, every hour of the day. And you better not complain, you better not say nothing because you asked for this, you wanted these kids, handle it. And it's just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck on. Yeah, yeah, I did choose to have children. Yeah, I absolutely did. But that doesn't negate the fact that it's still hard as fuck.

SPEAKER_04

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

It's difficult. Yes. I am struggling right now. Yeah. Struggling with dealing with not only, you know, dealing with my marriage that fell through the cracks and dealing with the emotional aspect of that, having to move back in with my mom.

SPEAKER_02

I could not imagine that.

SPEAKER_03

It was it's a hard struggle. And even though my mom is there, right, you know, I have friends and family that have held me up. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

When I say these people have held me up, and not to take nothing from them, but Sardet, I I know as a woman, having to be out of your space and go into somebody else's space, it doesn't matter how kind they are, how great, how accommodating. Yeah, it's not your space. It's not, I hate that for you. I hate that you had to experience that, but this is why we're having the conversation. Um, but nobody talks about it. And I your your strength to push through to be here today to look as good as you look is un I mean, I I have to do it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I have to do it because God is calling me higher. Yeah. And I and I can't wallow as much as I would just want to just lay down and go to sleep for three days. Yeah. I can't do it. Yeah. My spirit won't let me do it. Yeah. And and it's been beating me down. You know, and that part of asking for help was the hardest part of that transition because I didn't want people to know.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I didn't want people to know, number one, that I was struggling in parenthood, yeah, in motherhood.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And now I'm dealing with a failed marriage and with two kids, and it's almost like you're wearing a scarlet letter on your forehead. You know, like, how could you do this? Why did you leave your husband?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Oh, you're not going to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I did.

SPEAKER_02

Do you mind me asking?

SPEAKER_03

I don't I don't want to share the details of it only because I I don't I don't think I'm ready to share the the full details because I don't want there to be any more discord than there already is. Right, right, right. It's a lot of high conflict issue.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Uh but once I left, the amount of guilt that I felt for my children, I fell into a very deep depression.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And if it weren't for my mom, if it weren't for my friends and my family constantly holding and propping me up, that was difficult for me.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Because I'm I've always been a hustler. I've always been independent. You I got my own money, I got my own car, I got my own everything. And now I'm depending on people. This is the most dependence I've ever performed in my entire life. Yeah. I didn't know how to handle it at first. I was drowning, you know, and and dealing with postpartum too, because my son is only about to be two. I'm still in that postpartum phase.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. Talk about it.

SPEAKER_03

I'm still there. Yeah. It don't fucking leave after the baby's born six months down the line. No, you can be in postpartum for up to five years.

SPEAKER_01

I've heard. It can happen.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. And I'm still postpartum. Yeah. I'm still there. Hormones are still trying to regulate and do its thing. And it's just like, I'm dealing with that too. And it's just like, okay, you know what? Something's got to give. I need help. I need help. And I've and I've gotten more comfortable with asking for help. And not just with my kids, but with me.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

For me, I need help.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You know, and as a black woman, you don't want to go to the authorities and ask for help. Right. You don't want to do that. Right. You know, when the, you know, at Kaiser, they do like these little questionnaires every doctor's appointment. And they ask you all these questions about postpartum. Bitch, I fucking lie every time because bitch, you're not taking my motherfucking kids. That's real.

SPEAKER_02

That is so hilarious because the women who are asking these questions sometimes have kids and they act it so casually. And sometimes I be like, they be like, some days, do you feel like uh, you know, you're not gonna make it uh all the time, not really another time some of the time.

SPEAKER_03

And I'll be like, all the time. I'm I will lie on that survey. I will fucking lie on that survey because I don't trust the medical system. I don't trust it. Because if a black woman says, hey, I'm not doing well mentally, I don't want you sending a pick. No, I'm doing great. It is sunshine and rainbows.

SPEAKER_02

You know what's so sad about how people view postpartum depression, which is crazy. And as a person who's experienced it, you have your regular depression, but postpartum depression is about 90% of a chemical imbalance. They don't talk about that. Yes. So the rage that I was experiencing experiencing from my own, you know, postpartum, I didn't even recognize myself.

SPEAKER_03

No. And I had never, I was like, girl, and I was like, yeah, something ain't right. And I'm talking looking at your face in the mirror. You don't even recognize your face. I was like, this ain't right.

SPEAKER_02

I'm praying and I'm rebuking, and I'm like, oh no, I feel like a spirit and crept up in here um because I'm entirely too angry. I'm entirely too angry. And I do feel like it's warranted, you know, I got a right to be angry, and I'm I'm this is a new experience for me. And of course, who wouldn't be angry? Their house is dirty all the time, but they ain't got time to clean it because they gotta and then you and God forbid you have a Velcro baby.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Because my first one wasn't a Velcro baby, but this second one, yeah, she be like, fuck all y'all, give me to my mom. Yep, yep. My first one be like, hey mama, let me go on about my business. The second one, I have to immediately just I I wake up with her on my arm and I'm like this for the rest of the day. Because if not, and it's beautiful, it's the overstimulation is crazy. My husband, my husband comes home and I be like, do it's a girl, the second one? Yeah. They're both. Does she okay? Does she cry if you when you give her to her dad? No. So she loves everybody. Uh I mean, she hates everybody except for her dad. Gotcha. So she loves her dad. Her dad is very active.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, you know, he's very active with them. I I can, you know, they're great. But even though she loves him, it's still like, okay, mommy, still be in the room.

SPEAKER_03

Right. Because if she leaves, if I leave the room, there she's like, where the fuck is my mom? My kids follow me everywhere. Yeah, yeah. Everywhere. And I I love it. Don't get me wrong, but sometimes I'm like, y'all gotta get out. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm sitting on the toilet. My son, he's like, Mommy, you pee pee? Yeah, son. I'm trying to pee. I'm also trying to take a shit, but you ain't gonna let me do that. Right. You ain't gonna let me do that, you know. So it's like you're constantly overstimulated every single day. So that rage that you feel, you and you gotta think too, your hormones literally dropped off a cliff. Yeah, for sure. Once the baby gets pushed out, your body is just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to the little thing that was in here that I was feeding? Yep. Nope, it's gone. Oh shit. Okay, so we don't need any more of that, any more of that. And once it drops off, your brain is like scrambled eggs. Yeah. You're like, what is life? Um what was your relationship with God?

SPEAKER_02

Had your relationship because this isn't on the thing, but I want to talk about this. Did your relationship with a guy, like did your faith you know, change after having your kids while in postpartum depression? Because I had days where I was like I I told my husband one time, I feel like I'm being attacked. He said, attacked. I said, I I'm not sleeping. You know, even if you wake up with the baby, you know, if if he woke up with the baby, because he ha he works overnight, but on those days he'll he'll get up with the baby. If he wakes up with the baby and gives her her bottle, he's I still gotta put her to sleep because she needs to go to sleep on me. Like that's how you know how so even though, yeah, you up with her for a little bit, I'm ultimately up with her. You know what I mean? Because I gotta rock, and then if I put her down and she wakes up, I gotta put her back. Cut it out. I don't miss anything. So I was like, I feel like I'm being attacked. Like, and I don't know how other like what other way to say it.

SPEAKER_03

And you know, he's great, but they only understand to their you know, he don't he don't get it. He don't get it.

SPEAKER_02

And so I felt like God, why are you in the weirdest way, because yes, my kids are blessed, and yes, I'm happy to be a mom. But it was like, why are you putting me through this?

SPEAKER_03

You know, and I felt weird blaming God for me exp, you know, like just kind of allowing you to be open in that way to for attacks. Is that what you're saying? No, like just how hard it was after giving birth. Yes, like with the not sleeping, the not eating, um, or like the moments of not eating, but then the moments of overeating and like I can't stop eating.

SPEAKER_02

Um, you know, just always somebody on you, not having your own body to yourself, not being able to bathe the way you want to bathe. I I felt like it was everything was piling on me. And so I was like, God, like what like what but again it was it was it was weird. So I wanted to know if you felt like like God was punishing you. Like give me it's it's weird. I I can't verbalize it.

SPEAKER_03

Honestly, I know exactly what you mean because first of all, after you give birth to children as a woman, spiritually, you are way more open. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right, right. It's like a portal opens up and you're way more sensitive. I used to be a thug, nigga. Like, I look I used to be a straight gangster. My ex-husband used to call me Debo. I used to be off some real, like, you know, thug shit. Not like criminal, but like you know. Yeah, you got a little rush. Yeah. After I had my kids, I turned into mush. Emotionally, spiritually, I was tender. Yeah, same. And so being that open and being that vulnerable, because it's a vulnerability. Yeah. Once you have children, you are now vulnerable. Yeah. And you can't understand why this vulnerability is so hard. Yeah. Right. Why is it so difficult? My body did what it was made to do. So what the f is the struggle about being exactly what I was trying to articulate and I couldn't.

SPEAKER_02

Um, I wasn't saying, because I I'm so glad that this is uh why I love sitting with other parents and mothers. I wasn't saying I felt like I was being punished, but I felt like it shouldn't have been as hard as it was, considering that this is what I was made to do. And I'm not like the other girls who are like, you know, oh, I don't have to have kids. I knew I was made to be a mommy. I knew I was made to be a wife. I, you know, I embraced that. I'm an old school girl. I feel like women are not solely put on the earth to bear kids, but I felt like it was my duty, you know, and like I knew I would get fulfillment, and I did. I did, and I do get filled for my kids. Um, but I was battling with, okay, if this is what the fuck I was supposed to do, and this is what the fuck I wanted to do, because I did want children, and I begged God for my kid, and I thought I couldn't have kids prior to having a kid because I had miscarriages and I was just it was a lot. Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03

And so here I have this kid that I asked for. God, why the fuck can't I why why am I going crazy? Why am I losing my mind? Why am I losing my mind? Why is it this hard? Yep. You're vulnerable, you're open, you're sensitive, you're tender. Like you, you just, you're so open, and it's so honestly, I feel like motherhood is as close to godliness as any woman can get. I I I'm gonna be honest with you, because sacrificing your body for another human being. Yeah. That's what Jesus did. Right. Okay. Jesus gave his life. Yeah. And a lot of women do give their lives. A lot of those women do pass away after they give children. Did you have that fear? Absolutely. Yeah. Especially since I had both C-sections. I was terrified of dying. Terrified. Yeah. Especially my second pregnancy because I lost my insurance, so I had to have my baby at a fing hospital that I fing hated. Oh, that's the worst. They fucked me up so bad. Oh my God. They fucked me up I I don't even have time to discuss how badly. But that's so common. They did me dirty. They just treat us like we're like I'm cattle. Yeah. My son had a breathing problem when he was born. I didn't like how he sounded. I had to beg the nurses to take him down to the NICU and check him out. Because they kept telling me, oh, it's normal, it's normal. I've had a kid already. I know what that I know what the fuck is supposed to sound like, bitch. I don't give a fuck how many babies you delivered. I'm telling you, that don't sound right. Yes. Yeah. So I had to literally take the hand of one of the nurses. Now, mind you, I was in an immense amount of pain because I had a c-section and I had a tubal ligation. I had my tubes tied. Oh, okay, okay. The pain was crazy. Wow, really? Girl, I don't know why I was in so I was in so much pain. The second pregnancy, I mean the first pregnancy with my daughter when I had my C-section, I was up and walking around within a few hours. Yeah. I was up and walking around. That one, I couldn't even pull my panties down to pee. Jesus. I was walking to the bathroom peeing on myself because I couldn't get to the bed. I was in that much pain. So I'm laying in this bed and I'm in tears because I can't sit up. Whole abdomen on fire. Yeah. I had to, the the nurse had come over to do something. I don't know if she was adjusting something, but I grabbed her hand like that and I said, ma'am, I need you to hear me. I don't like how my son is breathing right now and nobody's listening to me. Nobody's listening. Can you please have somebody take him down to the NICU? And she looked at me and she said, you seem really serious. Yes, bitch! Yeah. Yes, I am. Yeah. Yes. You guys are not gonna kill my son, and you're not gonna kill me. Period. Take my son down to the NICU. So he was in the NICU the my entire visit there. I had Because something was wrong. Because something was wrong with his breathing. Yeah. And so they monitored him. He was doing well. They gave him formula down there, even though I was, you know, expressing breast milk and trying to give him breast milk, but I just didn't have enough at the time. So I I told him, Yeah, you guys can give him formula, like it don't matter. I still ended up breastfeeding him. Yeah. You know, but it was a terrible experience. And so after that experience, I was even more sensitive. Yeah. I was even more tender and emotional. And it it it it scarred me. Were you emotional?

SPEAKER_02

Because at the time, during this time when you got your your your tube severed, you and your husband were still together, right?

SPEAKER_03

We were we were together, but not together. But not together. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Did you mourn the reality that you wouldn't be able to have kids again?

SPEAKER_03

Nope. Okay. What a minute, Sharda. We still meet another man. I don't give a fuck. He ain't getting nothing out of me. Okay, period. Nigga better come with his own children. Because listen, I know what my and this is another thing too when it comes to women. Like people tell you like what you should do with your body. Yeah. And, you know, my husband was upset that I ultimately made the decision to sterilize myself. But you know what? I know what I can handle. Right. And after this second one, I was circling the drain. Yeah. Yeah. If I would have had a third baby, I would have been gone. Yeah. And I know that for a fact. And that is the smartest, most healthiest decision you could have made for you and the other. They don't deserve that.

SPEAKER_00

Right. They didn't ask to come here. Right.

SPEAKER_03

I'm already dealing with the bullshit. I don't want to have to. No. Yeah. And I was fertile myrtle child. My second son, I had an IUD in when I got pregnant with him. Lord. That's the one that's. We was laughing. I remember the moment that I told my husband, I said, I think I'm pregnant. God. And he was like, How you pregnant? You got an IUD? And I said, I feel weird. Yeah. Just like the first pregnancy, I was like, something's off. I don't feel right. I think I might be pregnant. My period wasn't super late. So I was like, I think I might be pregnant. But that second one, I was like, I was battling with myself because I was like, I got birth control and I can't be pregnant. Yeah. Went to go get that test. All three of them was positive. Damn. And I slammed that fucking test on the table like Domino's and killing them. Like, I told you. I know my body. I'm telling you. Yeah. You know, and so I had to make an appointment, get the IUD removed, and all that other stuff. But, you know, I knew when I got pregnant with my second one, I said, I will not be able to handle a third. I will not be able to handle it.

SPEAKER_02

That's honest.

SPEAKER_03

I knew. I know myself.

SPEAKER_02

Two is a healthy number.

SPEAKER_03

Two is a very healthy number.

SPEAKER_02

Two is a healthy number. And you know, as a person who grew up wanting a lot of kids, I used to always say when I was younger, I want eight kids. Crack, right? Is it crack? Is it crack? I want eight kids, you know. And then when you have your first kid, you're like, baby, I don't even know if I want, you know. Yeah. Um.

SPEAKER_03

And so now that I have two, I um I'm like, my fear about having a third one, and after the third one, I will be done. Yeah. Yeah. Um and that's if I even have the third one.

SPEAKER_02

But I know what guy showed me and I'm like, oh. Yeah, right, right, right, right, right. If I have my son, I'm like, will I have enough time for my girls? Because just because you can have a lot of kids, don't mean you should. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Because little households where I I had eight, nine brothers and sisters. Yeah. That's why. These motherfuckers be having issues. You know why?

SPEAKER_02

Because there's only two parents to go around. And if one parent is the breadwinner, which that's the case in my situation, then there's only one parent to go around. And trying to divide your time up amongst kids is tricky because the reality is each kid needs your undivided 100%. So trying to break that up into two, now you're giving, you know, a little bit here, a little bit there. Trying to do that, you're gonna create a household where, and I'm not saying this is the case in every household where it's like a lot of siblings, you know, a lot of kids.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. But I'm saying, you know, somebody's gonna lose out. Lose out. Somebody's gonna miss some parts of you. Somebody's gonna, you know, feel like, well, damn, you know, what about me? Right. You've heard of like the middle child syndrome. Yeah. You know, like you cannot divide yourself up. And and I say that because I know that I can't. There maybe are some parents who can't. Right, right. You know, but I know for me that if I have more than two, I'm gonna lose it.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And that was the biggest decision that I had to make because I didn't know what the fate of my marriage was gonna be then. I thought we were gonna be together forever. And he wanted three. And I was like, well, unless you're having the third one, it's not happening. Right. Because two, those two pregnancies were rough.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

They were rough. I was traumatized. Trauma. I said, I will never be pregnant again.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Ever. Yeah. It destroyed me. It destroyed my body.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I'm still recovering. I actually had to go to the doctor because the the people that did my damn C section jacked up the bottom of my stomach. So now I have all these hernias that I have to go get corrected. I'm still trying to change my body back. It's never gonna go back to where it was, of course. But and not in a in a vanity type way, but this is my body. Like it's not functioning correctly. I don't feel right. Yeah. You know, and and to add another kid on top of that, I would completely lose myself. And I I had to make the decision. I saved myself. I was like, I'm I'm good with two. Right. I'm okay. And I love my kids. I give them, I give them undivided attention. When one's at school, I have my son with me. Yeah, I pay full-on attention to him. We do our letters, we do our shapes, our colors, our numbers. He is growing exponentially. And I thank God that I'm in the position right now to be home with him because eventually I'm not gonna be able to do it. Right. I'm gonna have to put him in daycare because I'm gonna start working again. So it's like I I these two are it. Yeah, they're it. And I I need that for them because I want to give them my love and my attention and my time as much as I can from and not from an empty cup. Right, right. My cup needs to be filled. Yeah. It has to be. There's no question about it.

SPEAKER_02

Um what helped you begin to heal or cope with your postpartum depression?

SPEAKER_03

Because as we have said, it's not gone. But how do you manage it? Managing postpartum depression is very elusive, it's very stag staggered. Like you have your days where you are high, high, high. Yes. And then you have your days where you're low, low, low. And when you have those low days, you gotta talk to yourself and identify what the problem is. Because postpartum depression doesn't act on outside stimuli. It doesn't need the outside stimuli to activate. Yeah. It already exists by itself. Yes. So I there was nothing on the outside that was making me depressed. I mean, of course, my situation was making me depressed as hell. But postpartum depression, dealing with those lows, you really have to sit with yourself and give yourself time to grieve because people don't understand that postpartum depression is also a grief factor. Yes. You have to grieve yourself.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

You have to grieve your old life. Yes. You have to grieve your old body. Yeah. You have to grieve your old way of thinking. All of those things, you are a new person.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And it's a time your relationship too, you gotta grieve. Yeah. The difference that you uh now live, you know, with your with your spouse. Mm-hmm. So now, you know, separating that emotional aspect from the actual postpartum, that's been the the juggle that I've been doing. Cause it's like I'm still hormonally trying to deal. And so like I've been on a weight loss journey too. So dropping this weight was hard. You look amazing. Thank you. You look amazing. And girl, I ain't done either. I still got I still got something to go. I was trying to lose 50 by my birthday. My birthday's March 26th. So I was trying to, I was trying to drop it by then, but I was not trying to starve myself and do no crazy shit. Whatever I lost, I lost by my birthday, and I'm I'm fine with that. I'm proud of myself. I had to do something about me.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

So starting with regaining control of my body, regaining control of the hormones. Yeah. Because honestly, fat is linked to estrogen. Have you ever noticed, like, if you've lost, if you've lost a ton of weight, right? Your periods get thrown off. Because the estrogen. Well, I ain't never lost a ton of weight, but go ahead. I'm trying to kill it with you. I cannot with you right now. Okay. Um, I've lost 30, 40, 50 pounds in the past before. And every single time my hormones get thrown off because estrogen is linked to your fat cells as a woman. So that's why you see like a lot of like super athletic women. They have amenorrhea. They don't have periods, or they have lack of periods because they don't have enough body fat. Oh. So the body fat. Is that why I be bleeding heavy? Because I got a lot of fat? I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that. I'm just saying like the hormones are stored in the fat. That's where they are. Okay. For us at least. Um, and so I started noticing that when I was my heaviest, that's when the hormones were at their worst. They were at their absolute fucking worst. Yeah. And when I dropped my first 20 pounds, I started noticing the veil get lifted. Damn. There was a clarity. There was a clarity that I haven't had since before I had kids. It's good. The fucking hormones.

SPEAKER_04

Whoa.

SPEAKER_03

The hormones, you gotta, you gotta feed your hormones the right stuff. You gotta, you know, take your vitamins and do all those things. Because the hormones are the basis of postpartum. Yeah. So I said, fuck it. If I can't attack my brain, what's another angle I can attack this shit? So I I said, I'm losing this weight. Went to my fucking primary doctor. I said, Doc, what can we do?

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

She put me on metformin and fentramine.

SPEAKER_04

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

And I've been on that since September and I've lost 33 pounds on that shit.

SPEAKER_04

Wow.

SPEAKER_03

And ever since I have lost that weight, the veil of postpartum depression has it's not completely gone, but it's lifted. And I can see shit clearer than I've ever seen before in my life. Yeah. And that's real. Yeah. I I can't even describe to you. And and being in this in my situation, people are always looking at me like, you don't look like what you've been in. Yeah, you don't. You don't. Because I'm attacking myself. I said to myself, this is this is the last year that I'm going to not be in control of my body. Okay. Yeah. I made that decision. And so I didn't get it like any hormone therapy or anything like that. I said, I just need to make sure that I am getting as healthy as possible. Yeah. Because that was the heaviest I have ever been in my life.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And it made me even more depressed. Yeah. You know? And I've been a big girl my whole fucking life. Being big has never been a problem. Right, right, right. Let me clarify. Being big ain't never stopped nothing. Okay. Okay. So it wasn't about losing weight so I can look good and also. No. I had to attack a part of me that was holding on to shit. I gotta let it go. It's deep. I gotta let it go. So resolving the postpartum depression is making that conscious choice of wanting to make a change in your life. And you gotta decide where that area is. For me, it was dropping this baby weight. Gotta get that off first. That's priority number one. But I didn't know that it was gonna help regulate my hormones.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You know, went to go get my blood work from the doctor. Go get your blood work, ladies. Go figure out what you're deficient in. Go figure out if you're your cortisol, your magnesium, all of that shit. Get all of that shit checked out. Yes. Your A1C. I went to go get my A1C checked. It was too high. I was pre-diabetic.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

She was like, we gotta get that A1C down. Yeah. Which is why she gave me the Metformin. And it's down, it's going down. Yeah. I'm seeing the trend. You know, so it's there's so many factors of how I plan to attack postpartum back because postpartum took me down. Not you trying to whoop her ass. Oh shit, I'm whooping her ass. Meet, me, meet, meet, meet, meet, bitch. Get off me. Get off me, bitch. This is me. This is my shit. Yeah. That's the attitude that I had to take. This is my shit. I'm not gonna let you hijack me anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being upset. I'm tired of being fucking mad all the time. I don't, I don't need that. My kids don't deserve that. They deserve the absolute best of me every fucking day. Am I gonna be perfect? No, right, absolutely not. But if there is a way for me to save myself, because nobody is coming to save you.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Nobody. Get on the medication. If you are having severe depression, get on the medication. Fuck all that. People were like, oh, I want to do the next. Get on the fucking meds. Help yourself, bitch. Yeah. Get on the meds. Please. Yeah. Do what you need to do to balance yourself out and get back right.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You know, I'm still not where I want to be at, but I damn sure ain't where I was.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Your girl was looking bad. I was looking bad. Skin was all jacked up, losing hair. You know, postpartum, you already lose your goddamn edges. That was another thing. Yes. Hair coming out in clumps. Yeah. When you're washing it, brushing it, the fucking brushes full of hair. Yeah. What the f is this? Yeah. I couldn't lose no coochie hair. You gonna take the hair off my fucking head? You couldn't take the hair off my legs, bitch. That shit pins me off. I ain't even gonna lose. I ain't even gonna lie. It didn't take no other hair nowhere else except my edges. Yeah. That's my edges too. I got a fucking life. I can't afford to lose it. Listen. I pulled my hair back yesterday. I said, oh no. It ain't came back. It ain't came back yet. Let me go ahead and fucking what can we do? That's your hair. Mm-hmm. You thought this was a wig. Only because I mean it looks, it looks great. Like it looks great. It looks almost too perfect. So that's why. This is day one hair, that's why. It was given too perfect. Yeah, that's beautiful. Thank you. I've been trying to grow it out, but girl colored it going through my little crises, trying to change some shit up and then breaking my hair.

SPEAKER_02

You know they say when girls leave.

SPEAKER_03

I thought about it. I thought about it. They cut that hair off.

unknown

I thought about it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. But I couldn't have four. So you've had short hairs before, too. I had the little taper with the little fade in the back. I remember that. And the shaved in the back. I was, I missed those things. You could rock a hairstyle though. You could rock a hairstyle. You know what? I could. And I I thought about, I actually thought about giving myself a whole buzz cut.

SPEAKER_02

All right.

SPEAKER_03

I thought about it. I gave it some serious thought. I was gonna shave my hair down and dye it platinum blonde. Because that's just where I was at mentally. I just couldn't see it on, I couldn't see it on me. Not me looking and can I could see it. I can see it. I can't see it. I can't see it. With the hoops, with the clear face, with the perfect eyebrows, I can see it. But you know what I can see? For real? The red, not the platinum blonde. I love red. The red. I love your red. Oh, yeah, this is fading. But the bright red for you, red, red used to be my color since high school. We used to put the rinse in your hair, the cellophane. The cellophane, yep. I used to be cellophane down. Shimmering in the sun. I was just about to say, gotta put the uh uh shower curtain. I mean shower curtain capture cap and go outside, walk around for a few hours and let the sun do the tin. Yep. Yeah, you gotta let the sun do the bleaching. That's all, that's all you gotta do.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, uh last question. What would you say to a mother who is silently struggling with PPD right now?

SPEAKER_03

Silent. Don't be silent. Yeah. Don't be silent. Find someone that you trust. And if you don't have somebody you trust, try your best to either get therapy for it or see a medical professional. Because it is stigmatized for us to seek medical help and to seek therapy. Yes, it is. It is stigmatized. People look at you crazy when you say you have a therapist. I mean, not so much today because pretty much everybody accepts it now. But before that, you know, and still there are people who stigmatize therapy.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Use the resources necessary in order to get back to you.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Do not suffer in silence. The silence is the killer. Yeah. It's not the depression itself, it's the silence. If you stay in your head, your head lies to you. Oh, yeah. Your mind will lie to you. Oh, yeah. Your body lies to you. Yeah. You got to get out of your head, find somebody you trust and talk to them about it. Get it out. Talk about it. And if you feel, if if your PPD is really severe to the point to where you, and this is real, and it's just a trigger warning. If you feel that you want to harm yourself or your baby, if you have any of those feelings, seek medical attention. And I know I I said earlier I didn't trust the doctors, but there has to be a resource where you can slide on in there and get the help you need. There's a certain way that you need to do it, you know, so that you don't get targeted, as I would say. Because especially if you're a black woman, it's very difficult to trust. It doesn't have to be a man. Yes. It could be another woman. It could be you just as somebody else who is an advocate for you.

SPEAKER_02

I always joke and say, if you're the type of person who's like docile and you know calm and da da da da, when you go into the hospital, take that rah-rah person so that the per so that the medical professionals know, okay. Even if I can play with her, I can't play with her. I gotta do this by the book. Yes, because we all have that family member who is like, I'm that person. I'm in the doctor, like, oh no, no, no.

SPEAKER_03

And then I know a little something, something because I went to LBN school. Okay, and I was a CNA back in the day, and I was a caregiver and I was a med tech. So guys, I'm over here like, oh well, I know about that. I know about you know and it's important to, and that that point that I made too, have somebody you trust that will advocate for you. You need that advocacy with someone else because you going into it by yourself, you can't. Yeah, you cannot do it alone. Yeah, and that's why PPD is happening at such an alarming rate because us as mothers, we are isolated. There's no longer that real village, right? It's not a proverbial village of people. A lot of people are isolated, a lot of women are isolated during postpartum. You gotta get out of that isolation.

SPEAKER_02

That's and that don't necessarily mean you gotta get out the house. Because let's be let's be clear about it. Sometimes the depression won't even allow you to get out the house. But if you have another mommy friend who is okay that day, right, to hang out, right? Y'all ain't gotta make it a purpose to go and pack the kids up and go. Cause by the time you get there, you're probably gonna be worse off.

SPEAKER_03

It's gonna be like, God damn, I have to get these kids in there, I have to get my pack all these snacks, I have to pack all this milk, I have to pack all the things. The snacks. Um sometimes.

SPEAKER_02

It helps if you could just say, Hey, can you come over? Yes, bring your kid. Yeah, come fuck up. I always tell my cousin, hey, could you bring uh yourself and GG over here? And we always keep kid about it. Why they don't come to my house? Because at your house, I gotta make sure that my kid is not fucking up your shit. Yeah, you can come and fuck up my shit at my house because I'm I'm chilling.

SPEAKER_03

And I ain't gonna let these kids trust me. So come bring your kid, they can fuck up my house. Real talk. Real and then you can look. That's real. And we can just sit and gossip and you know, order food and da da da da and that connection that helps, yeah. You have to, you have to make connections with people. Reach out. I I actually joined Facebook groups during my postpartum, too. And there were women in there discussing their stories. And it actually helped me because I'm looking at these women and I'm like, wow, they they going through some some really damn ain't that goddamn bad. You know, yeah, you you need that comp that comparison, you need that that gauge to figure out because a lot of us feel like what we're going through is unique. Right. It's not unique, right? We're we all have gone through it at some point, yeah. And that's why it's so important for you to connect with other people, connect with the resources. MediCal, I was on Medi-Cal with my son, and they actually started a doula program. They have doula's now. Yeah, I had a doula for my second. You did Medi-Cal, yeah. Oh, I didn't get I did not know. I didn't know. Amazing. Get a dool. Made a difference. And I'm I I I like shout out to my to my doula for my for my second pregnancy.

SPEAKER_02

Her name was Felicia. Um do you know that this woman will call?

SPEAKER_03

It felt I I I would tell my my homegirl, like, this feels like like I have a a therapist that just when she calls and talks to me, she not even asking me shit about the pregnancy asking me about me. Yes. It was just because everything is always focused on the baby.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. She was my therapist for nine months. She came uh when I was having my baby, and uh, she came towards uh the last little bit because I my second pregnancy, challah. I woke up, I was contracting. Two hours later, I was like, oh no, we gotta get me to the hospital. Got to the hospital, girl. I was already six centimeters. I had my baby four hours later. Um, and so she had came and she sat with me, and she was just a real, like, just to have the support. You don't realize what support means to you until you have it.

SPEAKER_03

Yes.

SPEAKER_02

It'd be like this.

SPEAKER_03

I didn't even know just you sitting there next to me just was gonna make a difference for me. Just presence alone. Yeah. And not speaking to the woman that's suffering from from postpartum. I'm speaking to the people around a woman who just had a baby.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

If you know, if your friend or your sister or your aunt or whoever in your family just had a baby, go be with them. For sure. Say, hey, I got some food. I'm about to come through. I'm about to come sit with you. Yeah. Go sit with them. Because it it we try to make it seem like we don't need nobody to come sit with us, but you get lonely. Right. Motherhood is very lonely. And you need adult interaction. Yes. And so postpartum, you can actually feed postpartum and make it worse by isolating yourself. You don't want to feed the postpartum. I feel like postpartum is just this fucking greedy ass monster that won't fucking let go of your neck. Yeah. It won't let go. Yeah. And the the way you lessen it is by eliminating that isolation. Yeah. Talk to somebody. Find somebody. I got therapy.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I'm in therapy. I love my therapist. Okay. Yeah. She is amazing.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And when I talk to her after my therapy sessions, I feel like weights lifted. Because a lot of us too don't have the vocabulary to describe what we feel too.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

We know we feel bad, but we can't identify why.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

We can't identify the names of these feelings that we have. It's important to educate yourself too. Yeah. You know, and you need an unbiased person who doesn't know you about your story, don't know your family.

SPEAKER_02

Because half of the shit that you're talking about, half is a result of, you know, trauma from growing up and shit that you can't talk to the motherfuckers that you got to talk about. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? You can't talk to the motherfuckers you need to talk about. Yeah. Yeah. And you can't. You can't. That's why you got to find that one person that you trust that you that you can have those conversations with who is unbiased in a way. You know? And for me, what the the most important aspect of it was making sure that I stayed connected to my friends because I was isolated for a long time. I didn't hang out. Like right now, I don't really hang out with my friends much. I don't go out much anymore because I've been so focused and on my grind, trying to get my shit together. And sometimes I needed that reminder, like, girl, you need to get out of this fucking house.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You need to go. You need to go do something. Go sit in your car. Yeah. Get some air. Go sit in the sun. You know, it got to the point to where I started feeling bad for my kids because I didn't want to go outside, but they needed outside time. Yeah. Yeah. I would have to literally fight myself to get up and go outside with these kids and let them go play at the park. Because my anxiety was on a hundred. Yeah. It still is. I still have really bad anxiety. Um I am fortunate. I can I can I count myself fortunate because I found a way to be postpartum's ass.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I found a way to do it. I'm talking about we we was squaring up.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I looked myself in the mirror and I said, I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not recognizing who the fuck I am.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I'm tired of that. I got tired. You know, and I started speaking. I started talking about it. Yeah. Telling my mom, telling my my play sisters, and telling my aunt about all these things that I'm feeling. And some of them were just kind of like not, you know, they didn't understand. Yeah. Or they just was just like, girl, you be strong. You be all right. That strong word, I tell you, if one more person calls me strong, I swear to God, I'm finna. Or like they'll be like, well, you're killing motherhood. Like you're doing such a good job. Motherhood's killing me. It's killing me. What the fuck is you talking about? Am I killing it? Or is it killing me? What are we talking about here? I'm drowning right now. I just told you I'm drowning. Sitting there and tell people like I'm not doing well. Oh, but you're doing great. I just told you I'm not going to be able to do it. Are you listening to me? You know, so it's it's it's frustrating and it's so like it's deep. Yeah. Postpartum has deep roots. It has very deep roots. And I've been hacking my way through just trying to cut. I just imagine myself with this big ass machete in this thick, dense forest of depression. I'm talking about Amazonian type shit, nigga. I'm talking about Congo cutting through them trees. You know what I'm saying? Just cutting, chopping down shit. Just get the get out of my way. Yeah. Like I had, you gotta fight for it to be that aggressive. You gotta be, you know, you gotta be, you gotta fight.

SPEAKER_02

I'm glad that you are getting through um and pressing through. Pushing. Because there is something on the other side of this for you. Yeah. For all mothers, but specifically about Chardonnay, because this is who we talk to today. There's something on the other side of this. There's something on the other side of, you know, the turmoil of what your your marriage was and you know, having to overcome that. Um, those children are blessed to have you. Um, we are blessed to have you, and I can't wait until I'm buying a ticket somewhere to go and see you.

SPEAKER_03

Because you hit me up, you ain't gotta buy shit. You feel me? I will be supporting. I will buy it. I feel you, but I take care of my people, man. That's one thing that I do know.

SPEAKER_02

I wanna sit up under Sardet's voice.

SPEAKER_03

Girl, stop. Make me blush on here. Y'all, this was episode one of season two with Sardet. I'm gonna still say Sardet saying. Because I do be saying. Because she be saying. I be saying. Um, we thank y'all for watching. Meet us here next week for another episode. Like, comment, share, subscribe. Peace out, y'all.