20: Self-Trust. The Most Underrated Event Leadership Skill

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Kayla Worthy explores the importance of self-trust in leadership, decision-making, and personal growth. She shares practical strategies to rebuild trust within yourself, regulate your nervous system, and make confident decisions to elevate your leadership game.

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Follow Kayla Worthy 

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/worthyeventscoach/ 
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kaylaworthy/ 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hi everyone, welcome to the Feelworthy Podcast. I am so excited you're here. And welcome back if you've been here and you've listened to a few episodes. Or welcome if this is your first time ever listening to an episode of this podcast. I'm excited you click on this episode. That means the title intrigued you at least a little bit. And I'm really I'm motivated and I'm really excited to talk more about it because I think it's something that we don't talk about enough. And it's a quiet challenge, obstacle moment in time that we face that I don't, again, there's not enough conversations about. But before we dive any further, I would love if you took a second to rate, subscribe to the podcast so you get a little alert every time we drop an episode on a Wednesday or random day of the week. And you'll be the first to know about the latest episodes. So without further ado, let's dive in. I want to take a moment to share that I was shopping for work clothes and I went to the South Park Mall, which is in down uptown. Uptown, I don't want the Charlotte people to get upset at me, Uptown Charlotte, and I was trying to look for work clothes, went to South Park, taking a gander at all of the different stores that are there, which there are a lot. And let me just say, girls, where are we shopping for work clothes these days? Because, you know, Amazon, all the other old Navy, like White House, Black Market, like I don't know, the stores are just not cutting it anymore. And I know I'm late to the game, but I went into Aritzia because I've heard a lot about it. It was my first time in the store. I had been there for or I had seen like advertisements about it, heard people talk about it. But their customer service, oh my gosh, like second to none. Like I haven't had such incredible service inside of a store or even online anywhere in a very long time. I think like pre-2020. And there was just something about the entire like staff that worked there. And maybe I the store in South Park was unique, but I've also heard other people have had similar experiences. I went in and saw a girl that I thought worked there, and I was like, hey, do you work here? Just have a question, trying to figure out what I like, trying to get some more clothes. And she's like, Yeah, absolutely. Went in immediately to say, Hey, what type of event are you going to? What type of work trip are you going to be at? Where is it? What outfits are you looking for? And then immediately started to like pull together outfits for me, different tops, different pants, said to start your dressing room. She went away. I kept perusing around. Another person, another associate came to me, asked me if I needed anything, wanted to recommend a few things. I said, I'm good. I had someone start a room for me. Thank you so much. Kept going. Another person, like moments later, it was quite spaced out, but catered to my needs, asking me if I needed anything. Normally, store associates are dodging your eye contact and don't even want to help you. They're like, I'm just here for like the paycheck in the couple hours that I'm here and I'm out. This was unlike that. Like, this was definitely different. I felt special. I felt like taken care of. It was amazing. And it reminded me of like the Athleta experience. And when I was a store associate at Athlet Athleta, it was very much so like a tailored approach. We wanted to build custom like sets and outfits for people so that they felt like they had that personalized touch every time they walked in. Anyway, I can't say enough about it. And I went to the dressing room, started trying things on. It wasn't busy, and then all of a sudden the store was swarmed. Uh, so I may have taken quite a bit of time in the dressing room just trying to make sure like the outfits made sense and I like them put together. And I try to FaceTime my mom and she told me a dress looked good, but I was like, I don't think I even really like it. And I was looking for other people to kind of survey about different outfits, and eventually I just said, okay, you know, this is what I like and I need to trust my gut. But it took a minute and after I left the store, and I was like, why am I seeking someone else's approval about what I'm wearing on my body and how I feel and confident walking into a work event? I know what if feels good and looks good on me. I should be able to just trust my own opinion on this. Have you ever been in this situation sending like photos or videos of your outfit to a friend? Or maybe you had to choose that you're teamment for an event and you had to survey all of the marketing team and the sales team to see if choice A was better than choice B, even though you knew choice A was the recommendation, but you're like, let me just see what everyone else thinks. Or maybe you're sitting at a planning meeting and you you know the answer. You want to speak up, but you're waiting around, you're looking around for someone else to say the answer first, and then you're like, oh, I was gonna say that. Maybe another situation is like you delegate to a vendor, but then you start to type the message and you're like, okay, I have to delegate this, I should delegate this. You're typing, typing, and then you're like, ah, delete, delete. I can do I can take care of it myself. No big deal. I don't want I don't want to be difficult. Any of this sounding familiar, ringing a bell to anyone? I know one of these situations must have landed unless you're off this podcast episode and you're onto something else. But if you're still here, that means this episode is resonating and it's landing so far, and we're just a few minutes in. So it's for you. It's if you've ever felt like you know you're capable, you can make a decision and you're competent, you're trusted by everyone else, but you still sometimes second guess yourself. That is what this whole episode is about. Self-trust is honestly the most underrated leadership skill there is. If I can challenge you just a little bit, and I know we're starting off this episode really strong. I had quite a bit of coffee today, but nonetheless, this is one of the biggest differentiators between the event professionals who stay stuck in execution mode and those that move on to become strategic event leaders who shape the vision, who understand what it's like to communicate effectively the business impact and are zooming out at a hundred, thousand feet, understanding the full vision, shaping it, and then being able to have the seat at the table. If you feel like you've been in execution mode for a long time, this may be a reason why you're still there. But it is very possible to get out of that and move in to the strategic vision that you're desiring. And if you don't want that, that is okay. If you're just here for kind of just being seen, understanding more about how to stop second-guessing yourself and get into just owning your decisions, then stick around. There's more for of this episode for you. But if you do want to be more of a strategic leader, you have to start with trusting yourself. But let's normalize this up a little bit, okay? Because it's not all doom and gloom. When I talked about normalizing a bit, I want to just frame us into the event pro mindset, right? You've been known as the reliable one, the one who gets things done. You handle it. We're the Olivia Popes of the event industry, right? You hold it all together, and you are probably rewarded for always being reliable, right? Like reliable is probably one of your top five strengths. So I'm sure you were praised for getting it all done, anticipating needs, and carrying the load. But no one taught you to build internal reliability, right? I'm guilty of this. I'm really great at self-motivation at work. I can do that all day. But when it comes to going to the gym, oh, I would love a team. I love a class. I love having that accountability with like the five, 10, 20 other people in the gym and working out all together. So I get it. My husband is one of the people that can go work out and no one has to tell him anything. He can go by himself, he can go for an hour, an hour and a half, two hours, and he is killing it in the gym. I'm here. Can we do the workout together? So I get it. This, you're not alone in this, but you have to be able to feel trustworthy to yourself. And that's the gap, right? I really want to ask: when did you stop trusting yourself? Can you think of that work situation where you were doing all of the things and then all of a sudden you're freezing up on this one part because I know it has to be done perfectly or the decision has to happen in this way. Was there a leader that knocked down your confidence? Was there a performance review that went poorly that you're like, ah, how am I gonna recover from this? So just think about it for a minute or 30 seconds as I keep going. Because you weren't born doubting yourself. Have you ever met a five-year-old or three-year-old when they learn the word no, or you tell them something and they're like, no, I'm actually gonna do this. Or better yeah, my son loves Spider-Man. And over the years, I wanted to put him into these like cute little polos and making sure that he was like picture perfect ready. Honestly, my husband will joke, he's like, You were dressing him like a little old man. And I probably was because he was just a little squishy ball. I digress. Over the years, he started to want to wear graphic tees. And I would ask him, Would you wear this solid blue shirt? And he's like, Ugh, gross, no. And I would try, I would like still try to put it on him, and he's like, get this off of me. So no one knows what they want, like a five-year-old or four-year-old that is obsessed with Spider-Man or Disney princesses or K-pop demon hunters, because they're going to tell you. Honestly, they're a little bullies. But my point is, as kids, they know what they want and they're gonna tell you. So we get to these ages of like in our late 20s, in 30s, in 40s, etc., and then we start to doubt ourselves what happened. We used to be those five-year-olds that knew they wanted to wear a Spider-Man shirt. And now I can't make a decision without XYZ leader, colleague, vendor blessing this. I don't know what happened along the way. And it could have been a micro moment, it could have been a big moment, but we're here now, and it's my common phrase, we're here now. So let's talk about repairing that trust with ourselves because that's what it is. It's really that building trust with ourselves. And when you build trust in healthy relationships that look like showing up, following through, repairing things when they go wrong, why would it be any different with yourself? Think about it. What are the other ways that you've built trust with your friendships, with your family members, with your partner? What does trust look like when you talk about it with your kids? If you're constantly breaking promises to yourself or overriding your decision once you made it, second guessing your voice, then of course the trust is going to be broken. It feels shaky. You wouldn't trust a friend who did that to you, right? You say I'm they're untrustworthy or a colleague who does that to you. You write them off. You're like, that's why I take on the work myself, because they let me down so many times. So why are you doing it to yourself? But I want to restore all of this trust within ourselves, within this conversation, and talk about five ways that you can rebuild that self-trust so that you're sharpening your decisions, so that you can make moves happen quicker. You can just operate at your full confident self. Okay. So, number one, we're gonna keep micro-promises to ourselves. So when we talk about building trust with other people, you know that you trust your colleague because she says what she's going to do and she does it. She follows through on it. You show up, you trust your vendor because they show up in times of need, or they show up prepared so that they're anticipating some of the things that may go wrong or may go right or what other leaders have expected before. So you're like, ah, I can trust you because you show up when I need you to. Trust is built through consistency and through those small moments that don't feel big, but you're like, ah, I feel like you have my back. And the same applies to you. Do you say I'm gonna shut off at five, but then you're actually show shutting off at like six o'clock, six thirty. Or you say, I'll delegate, and then ah, the workload comes back and your to-do list is yay long. Or you'll say, I'll apply for the job, and then days go by and the job is suddenly closed on LinkedIn, and you're like, ah, okay, well, I'll get the next one. And then the next one comes, and then you still don't apply for the job. And you're like, but I need to get out of this work situation. I need to go to another work, I need a better company, I need a better position. But you keep forgetting to apply for the jobs. Or maybe you say, I'll speak up, and then you don't. Your internal trust account takes a hit every time. Think of it like a bank account. You start with $100, right? You're like, I'm five years old, I'm fully trusting myself. These are the decisions I want to make. I want to wear this shirt, I'm gonna do this, this, and that. Great. As you start to get older, as you just are in these different work situations, and you start to disregard the decisions that you made, the promises that you made to yourself, the bank account is continuously withdrawn. Okay. And now you're in your mid-30s and you're like, I am depleted, I am at negative $556 million. How did we get here? Yeah, that's how the bank account feels, but that's how your nervous system feels. It can't trust you anymore. You need small follow-throughs to get to building that trust, to feeling that level of confidence. So there's a concept. All these books I have, I'm like, all right, let's show them off a little bit more. So if you're on YouTube, you can see this. I'm holding the atomic habits book, atomic habits book. If you're on listening to this while you're driving, just letting you know, narrating what I'm doing. But there's a concept in the Atomic Habits book by James Clear that talks about every action is a vote for the type of person that you want to become. And I think the same thing applies to self-trust. Every time you follow through on what you told yourself you'd do, you build confidence that you have that trust. You're building that muscle within yourself. Self-trust grows when your action matches your words, right? We talk about all the time when the guys are picking you up for a date and, or you're not even just picking up a date, you're dating. You're like, his actions so match what he says he's gonna do. He says one thing. He calls me on the phone, calls me babe, loves me, and then won't take me out to dinner or won't actually follow up on a fun date. So there's an imbalance there. Same thing with external people, applies to yourself. Show up the way you want to be treated. Okay, book down. Let's go into number two. Okay, number two. So we're gonna regulate before we react. And I've talked about regulation on other episodes, and I'll do a deeper dive on the topic of like nervous system regulation, but let's break this down clearly for the purpose of this episode. Your nervous system has two main states in leadership: there is regulated, where you're calm, you're grounded, you're thinking clearly, or there's dysregulated, where you're tense, you're defensive, you're anxious, and reactive. Okay, so regulated, dysregulated. When you're dysregulated, your brain shifts into protection mode. That's when you start second-guessing, overexplaining, looking for reassurance, and avoiding decisions. Okay? Makes sense? So you may get a bit more sharp in your tone, or you completely shut down. Everyone reacts a little differently. So just take it, take stock in how you're feeling when you're dysregulated. It's not always that you don't trust yourself. It's sometimes that your body just feels unsafe and it's looking for that certainty. Regulating your nervous system simply means bringing your body, bringing your body back to a calm state so your thinking brain can get back online. And it doesn't have to be complicated, okay? One way you can regulate yourself is before you respond to a tense email where you feel like you have to react, take one slow breath in for four and then exhale for six. Or before you speak in a meeting, press your feet firmly on the floor, drop your shoulders, unclut your jaw, and take a big exhale. And if your heart is racing, one of the things I love to do is naming things within all five senses. So five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one you can taste. It helps to ground yourself and center yourself before you dive into other activities. These ideas, these tips and tricks are helpful for when you want to make sure your body is regulated, especially when you're in the height of a moment or you get an email that's frustrating, or someone tells you what to do, and you're like, ah, instead of reacting immediately, try one of these things. Okay, because a calm body is leads to clear thinking, which leads to further confident decisions. And self-trust is much easier when your body feels steady. Okay, number three, oh, my favorite. So we're gonna stop outsourcing our decisions. Remember the Aritzia dressing room situation? Okay, before we pull the group chat or ask the ladies in the dressing room about the outfit, or you ask your you start to like message your Slack boss, like, is this your your Slack boss? Before you start to like write to your boss on Slack and ask them for their opinion, or ask someone else what they do, just take a second. Okay, pause. Ask yourself, what do I think? Do I like what would I do next? What feels most aligned right now, based on everything I know, based on all of the information I have at my disposal? If no one responded, if my boss was out of office, if my colleague was nowhere to be found because I'm in the office alone, what would I do? How would I choose? And this is a totally not related moment in terms of like events, but my husband and I went to our anniversary date a couple months ago, and spontaneously we decided we were gonna get tattoos. I have a Pinterest board of ideas that I've saved along the way because I'm like, oh, okay, whenever we're ready to pull the trigger, I go by myself or with a friend, I have ideas. But in that moment, I was like, oh my gosh, which one do I choose? Do I start texting my friends? We didn't have a lot of time because we had to go pick up our son in an hour or so. So I finally just decided this is the one I want, and I placed it and I was like, oh, it looks good. I feel good. And honestly, I cannot stop staring at it. I love it. It's on my wrist. And tattoos may not be for everyone, but I also was like, you know what? What's the worst that happened? I have to remove it in a few years. Pete Davidson just removed all his tattoos. I can too. So I love it though, and I'm excited. I'm so happy I trusted my gut with it. It's funny because in Emma Greed's book, she talks about this really scientific theory. And she goes, you know what it is? Vibes. I trust the vibes. And I was rolling in my chair about it because I was like, Yes, sometimes it is just trusting your intuition. And you don't have to seek counsel for everything. Don't abandon yourself before you just begin. Strategic leaders don't even have the luxury of waiting for that constant reinsurance. They have to move. Some situations are quick and you have to make it, you know, you've been on site, you have to make the call quickly and go. And at some point, you become the person others are looking for direction from. So if you don't if you don't trust yourself, you hesitate in the moments that require conviction. Hesitation impacts your strategic value. It impacts your executive presence and your influence. So we're gonna stop outsourcing our decisions. Number four is that we decide, then gather data. Okay. So instead of witzing about the decision and hesitating, make it and then observe. Gather the data, see what happens, use it as an experiment. Obviously, don't do it with like, you know, a $10 million budget, but do it with the micro moments, like choosing the menu, seeing if anyone reacts of like, oh, I wanted a specific type of food, or maybe they really loved the choice that you made, or the entertainment, or the production, like lights and the colors that were chosen on stage. So making decisions are reversible. The statue is reversible. We can change things out, but your brain and body treat them like they're permanent and like they are gonna go on a permanent record, which is honestly being a child and having a permanent record probably did that to most of us. But it's not permanent, it's not fixed. Everything is able to be changed or refined. And being in that strategy being in a strategic leadership requires a sense of a level of ambiguity. Just fact. Sometimes you don't know all of the answers, and you have to just make a move. So you bet professionals who rise into leadership, learn how to make the call, adjust as needed on the spot, and move forward without spiraling. You don't build self trust by waiting for certainty and just like holding on tight. You build it by proving you can adapt. What if this isn't about making the perfect decision, but about making a decision and also making a decision that you think is right? So if you want to move into this next Next level, you have other people watching you. Again, they're seeing how you move and what you would do. Because what if one day that boss, that leader, isn't there? It's game time and you gotta show up. So when you're making these decisions, just think, I can handle the outcome. I can handle it no matter what comes my way. And last but certainly not least, I've talked about this before. Build evidence. Create a win book. Write it down the moments when you made a decision and the whole house did not burn on fire. Or you made a decision and actually it turned out really well. You need to start building the habits. And at one point, you're gonna write them in your phone, you're gonna write them on a notebook, and then you won't need it because you're gonna build that muscle to the point where you're like, ah, I trust myself. I got this. I can figure it out no matter what happens. Your brain remembers failures loudly. It forgets it forgets the wins, right? The negative usually outweighs the positive. So creating that win book, creating that evidence shows that you have done it before and you can do it again. Okay, so let's land this plane. You spend so much time building trust with other people, with clients, with your teams, with the vendors, with the attendees. I want you to, I want to challenge you to consider am I building or bringing trust with myself? Leadership isn't just about how others experience you, but it's also about your relationship with you and you knowing yourself enough to know you can handle whatever comes your way. Event pros are the most resilient people I know. There are just times where we lose our weight just a bit because there's, you know what, life happens. Things knock us down a peg. They interfere with our confidence and our the way we perceive ourselves. But that doesn't mean that you're not a badass or that you haven't done incredible things. It's just about getting back on the horse and flexing this muscle again and again and again. So if you're still here, if you've enjoyed this episode, I love if you share it with a friend. Let me know that it resonated with you. You can click the send fan mail, send us a text message, or a voicemail. That link is in the show notes. You can drop a comment if you're on YouTube or email me if you prefer. I I really will take feedback in any which way. Or DM the Feelworthy Podcast on Instagram. You can find us there. There is a TikTok, but we haven't done much with it. We're gonna work on that. So I would love to know how this landed up for you. Did it motivate you? Do you feel like you can start trusting yourself again? Have you had those moments where you're like, ah, I don't know what to do? One moment I remember, uh, we took a group picture and I felt uneasy because I was like, Do I keep a hundred people together waiting in front of this wall for a couple people to show up, which were they were very important people, or do I like what do I do? So I went to ask my boss and she's like, no, it's your call. And I was like, now, now is the time you want me to make this call. It was fine. I ended up deciding to keep everyone there because wrangling a hundred people in 10, 15 minutes was going to be near impossible. So they waited, and eventually the um executive leadership team showed up and the picture was taken and everyone was able to move on. It felt like it felt like years for me. I'm sure for everyone else it also felt like a long time. It was at least 10, 15 minutes, but it happened. And 10, 15 minutes of waiting out lasted or was much better than bringing everyone back and the amount of time it would have taken to get everyone into position. So it was a really big moment for me to just say, hey, you got this. Just trust what you would do and know you just you know what to do. You know how these people would react. And I think we just sometimes forget because it feels like we're leveling up in that moment, and it doesn't it doesn't feel like that actually at all. It feels like the weight of the world is on our shoulders, but it's not. It's a small moment. You'll grow from it, you'll learn from it, and then you'll just keep going. So I just want to leave you with that story. If anyone's ever been there, let me know. But I hope you feel worthy today and every day, and I will see you on the next one. Bye guys.